Saturday, September 30, 2006

True Wife Confessions 84 -International direct dial to Vietnam

Confession #831

I know neither of us want to have kids. I don't like
the thought of being pregnant or giving birth, and I
don't know how I would do with the daily grind of
raising children. But sometimes when I think of the
possibility that you might die before me, I want to
change my mind because then at least I would still
have part of you with me in the form of a child.

I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to
love someone. I know we occasionally irritate each
other, and I know you sometimes get annoyed when I
want to hang out with you all the time and you just
want to watch sports with your friends. I don't want
to be morbid, but I know that if you were to die I
would give absolutely anything just to spend one more
hour with you and I want to take full advantage of all
the time we've got. I might regret wasting time doing
other stuff but I would never regret spending more time
with you. You are my best friend and my other half
and I hope we have 80 more years together.

Confession #832

I need you to know that I love you with all me heart. I am so afraid that I
will wake up some morning and you will be gone. No not to another woman, but
gone from this earth.
You know what kind of basket case I was after my mom passed away. Her
leaving so suddenly just ripped me open.
Thinking of facing each day without by my side terrifies me.
For the past 24 years you have been my strength. You have been the best
father, step-father and now grandfather.
You have ridden this roller coaster with me and it hasn't be such a bad
ride. But now that we are getting older and talk so much about retiring I
fear that before that day comes something will happen to shatter our plans.
Forgive me for being a worry wart. But you see without that shinning face
of yours, and the gentle touch that you have and the way that you know that
my day just hasn't been quite right I would be a mess.
And what about all of these children?? I know all but 3 are grown and some
are parents now too, but what would they do without you to lean on, to share
with? You the only Mets fan in the bunch. Who would they have to tease about
that?
Please know in my heart you always will be. Jesus brought us together for a
reason and I will never question Him, I will only praise Him and thank Him
for He knew what I needed before I did.
I thank you for everything. No matter how tight money is you always make
sure the kids have what they need. Thank you for keeping me centered and
helping me to put the past behind me and reminding me that not any of it was
my fault.
I send you tender kisses and gentle hugs everyday until you go home to be
with our Lord.

Confession #833

4 and a half years ago, after failing miserably to flirt with you, and then having to almost beg you for sex; you said you'd come through to the bedroom in a minute, and proceeded to keep me waiting 15 minutes.
Then you switched on the bedroom TV and watched football as you undressed. You never looked at me once. Your eyes were glued to the screen. It took you at least 5 minutes to undress, because you were so riveted to the TV. It wasn't even 'your team'. If it had been 'your team' , I would have known not to even bother trying. It was just 'some team from another league'.. not an important game, just a game. I was really annoyed that you were so glued to it when it meant nothing to you. It must have meant that making love with your wife meant even less than nothing.

The sex was average. Bog-standard. Quick and painless. Mechanical. I cant even remember now whether or not i had an orgasm, but i probably didn't.

As we lay there afterward, you watching the football ( you at least had the decency to switch it over to music videos while we were doing it, but then switched it back to the football once we'd finished), I calmly and quietly and with no trace of anger in my voice, said to you, 'Next time, it's your turn to initiate sex. I'm tired of being the one who always initiates it.' I think you said 'ok', but i cant really remember now.

But that time, 4 and a half years ago, was the last time we had sex. Because if i don't initiate it, it apparently doesn't happen.

The first 2 years, after that last time, were tough. I was gagging for it... I'd have jumped on you in a heartbeat if you'd asked me. But i was sticking to my guns. I wanted to see how long it would take you to turn things around... to be a man. And it didn't happen. Gradually, i started getting used to not having sex, and now i don't miss it at all. Now i live in fear that one day you are going to want it. And I don't want it ... not at all.

Confession #834

I like pretending that our big, underlying problems will go away: your anxiety, my attempting eating disorder recovery with you around, the drinking that assuages your anxiety, the anger that's sparked by your drinking, the eating disorder relapses that are sparked by your drinking. I keep telling myself, "We're young. I'll get over being so sensitive when he's anxious about 'bad' food or some big deal at work. He'll get over when other guys talk to me and how he drinks a bottle of wine a night, and slurs his words, and falls asleep before 8:30."

I know I'm a dirty liar. I know I've either got to get you to deal with all this stuff WITH me, or that we're headed for that 50/50 path to divorce.

We're not even going to be married for eleven months yet.

Confession #835

I'm actually glad I found your profile on that nasty website. Now I have a good, concrete reason to leave your sorry ass and never look back. And you're right, I'm not in love with you anymore. You have managed to kill any good feelings I had for you, and instead of being a man and telling me you wanted "passion" and to have those "feelings" (for somebody else) you had to take the cowardly way out. Again. So I'm going to have the balls that you never did, and end this nightmare once and for all.

Confession #836

I love you more than life itself BUT please don't talk to me while I'm sitting on the toilet. We've been married for more than a decade and we've always had a closed door policy. It's bad enough that the kids walk in on me with wild abandon. Don't you start doing it too. It's nice that you want to talk to me and all but please, just give me a minute. Or 5.

Confession #837

Yes, we're anonymous. And we only write because we're sure we'll stay that way.

Were it not so, would I say how much I've come to dread sex with my husband, whom I love but who makes me feel like nothing more than a hole in the mattress?


Confession #838

I need to say this.....when I didn't want to have sex because I had been having nightmares about my childhood, about how I was molested, and I just needed to talk about it, I felt so messed up inside, so hurt and wounded.....you wouldn't take no for an answer. You took off my clothes while I struggled, you did your thing while i lay sobbing, saying no, you got off and said I'm sorry....you raped me. At one of my lowest possible moments you did that to me. You shattered all the sense of safety and security I had left, the safety I thought I had now in my adult life, now that the rest was the past. You made me empty inside. And I stayed for 3 more years and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being able to protect myself as an adult, I hate myself for thinking so little of myself that I would accept that. I hate you for the hell you put me through in those last 3 years, when I would freeze up during sex, and never want to be with you like that. I used to have panic attacks just praying you would hurry up. And all you could think about was yourself and you treated me like nothing, like i was worthless for not being able to satisfy you. I feel ruined and I hate you. I just needed you to love and support me thru a terrible time, and thats what you did to me. I thank God you will never have the opportunity to touch me again.

Confession #839

to my dearly beloved:

i suppose it would bother you to call me once in a while. (me talkin' selfish)

i stayed home sick from work today. im not feeling well. (and that's true)

i miss my husband and im FUCKING sick of it. (that doesn't even do it justice)

i love you and i cant even tell you. (i want to tell you)

why did it come to this anyway? (the age-old question)

lets examine the situation (hmmmmmmmm....)

i fell in love with you; and you with me (6 years ago)

we got married and had a wonderful --though challenging--time (but worth it)

but marriage was and is the best thing weve ever experienced (seriously)

and yet we decided to put it on the line (why? why? why?)

and test it one more time ( 1 )

the hardest time of all (hard)

and were hanging in there and being strong (we are, i am, are you?)

but were learning a lesson weve already learned (3 times over)

we already knew we love eachother (i always knew)

we already knew we are faithful (i swear i am)

we definitely already knew nothing can break us apart (nothing ever has)

so why are we going through this again? (?)

well i hate it because being away from you is like a prison sentence

not even lethal injection would be worse

when you get home my life will resume from being on pause

and if you still love me ill be the most blessed person on earth

(and quite possibly mars)

(oh, did you hear that Pluto is no longer considered a planet? i swear on us that's true. they demoted it recently and now there are only 8 planets i swear on us)

ok i love you

Stay safe out there and come home soon. Only 8 more months Sergeant!

Confession #840

If you could just PRETEND to take an interest in the wedding planning, it would make me feel so special. I have given up so much for you: My acting, my writing, my independent career. I went to work with you because I'm too spineless to stand up to you and admit that we may have different lifestyle ideals (even though I'm not really sure what mine are at all, or if they're different from yours). Can you please see that I like organizing and planning things, and that our wedding is a hugely important thing to me, and that I need you to act like you think it's important too? Please, please see that. Please see that our wedding planning is more important than one of your problems at work. Please see that our wedding is more important than your fucking fantasy football league.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

838-- You are not ruined. You had the tremendous courage to leave that rapist. You are a stong woman and you WILL heal. I'll be thinking of you.

840-- do NOT get married. Call it off, find a new love. Divorces are painful and expensive, and that's where you're heading. If he's this absent in the planning, can you imagine him in the marrige?

Anonymous said...

833 - I went through the same kind of thing. He always said it was MY fault - I didn't approach him the right way, I didn't know how to flirt, I didn't dress sexy, I wasn't thin enough - but the truth is he just didn't want sex. I got so tired of rejection and hurt that I just gave up, too. I don't think it was our fault, girl.

840 - What do you want - a wedding or a marriage? If he doesn't bring you joy now, no magical day of perfect flowers, music and clothes is going to change that. This sounds like a disaster.

Anonymous said...

840 - not to pile on, but 11:19 is right - the wedding is just a party (a huge, expensive party), with you as the center of attention. It's everything afterwards that's important and frankly lots of guys don't really care about that party, they just care about you.

Julie said...

Lots of heart-warming and heart-breaking confessions today. Some comments:

#833: First off, you are an excellent writer. The emptiness, pain, bewilderment, and concern are all bundled up and it was amazing to read. From what you specified, I don't think it's a "you" thing, or even a "you two" thing. It smells faintly of depression, stress, or possibly alcoholism; some side effect of an external problem. Good luck, and many virtual hugs.

#834: Especially if the overdrinking and the eating disorder predate the relationship, seeking treatment individually can help as well. At least it would stop the downward spiral of one person bringing the partner down. Both afflictions are hard enough to conquer, best of luck to you two.

#835: You go girl. That scoundrel.

#838: Grrrrr. Good for you for saving yourself. You are stronger than you think.

#840: Honestly, I wouldn't take it so personally. There are a few conflicts going on. Re: the wedding plans. Weddings are tough; your fiance sounds like my husband in the fact that he doesn't like big shindigs let alone plan them. You probably had your whole life fantasizing about this day, and he didn't. This is very common. Give him strictly logistical things to do and go ahead with your plans. Re: you giving up your hopes and dreams for this guy. You are setting a bad precedent for the rest of the marriage. I did this too; I was young and thought he would love me less if we had different interests. That turned out not to be true at all; I just assumed it (probably from the example of my own family) and never verified with him. A heart-to-heart is in order. I would consider even postponing the shindig a bit. He fell in love with the aspiring actress and writer; if it is a central part of your soul you are cutting off, he'll catch the whiff of your ennui one day and without realizing his connection to it, just think you're getting dull. I know, that's really insensitive, but it will take years before he'll get to the "reading your mind" stage of partnerhood. Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

#838 I am so sorry. Please be well.

Anonymous said...

#838 - you have strength that most people lack. Be proud of yourself for leaving him, be proud of yourself for being able to tell your story, be proud of yourself for being angry at him instead of yourself. You are a very strong woman, and I am amazed.

Anonymous said...

confession 840 do NOT get married

Anonymous said...

My God, #840. Reconsider now, before you say "I do." You're giving up too much of yourself for someone else, without even being sure what it is you want for yourself first.

Anonymous said...

#839

I feel your pain. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

833: You wanted it for two years? It's been only a year for me and my desire is already dead.

840: LEAVE.

Bianca said...

Today was intense reading.

838-- my heart was hurting in my chest as I read that. I hope being able to speak of the whole experience was healing. Because just putting it out there was amazing and strong of you!

Anonymous said...

840 - if you have different lifestyle ideals, that's a big deal. That's not something you can "work around" or "get over." And you shouldn't want to...you should seriously rethink where you are on this wedding, life is too short to be banging your head against a brick wall for a guy who doesn't get you. There will always be some male/female not getting each other, but this isn't the same.

Anonymous said...

833, 4.5 years?! I thought I was going crazy with only having sex 1 time in the past 3 months.

Atleast I know the need will go away...

miracle seeker said...

#838

Heal yourself. This was a great first step. You are worth so much more as a woman. You deserve so much more. Thank you for realizing that.

#840

Ok, lots of guys aren't real into the wedding planning. But giving things up for this man? Making you feel that your wedding is less important to him than his fantasy football? Girl, usually they at least fake it until after the wedding. Please rethink this ~ is this treatment really all you are worth?

Anonymous said...

i am 838....i just wanted to say thank you to you all for your kind words.

Anonymous said...

#840--My husband did not help with one thing of our wedding planning. He didn't even choose the tuxes, or tell the groomsmen how to order them or where to pick them up. I complained about it, but I now I think back on it and it was actually better. I said I wanted him to help, but really I wanted him to say what are you doing, and agree with every decision I made (I'm a bit of a control freak). Anyway--we had a conversation once. He said "What kind of wedding do you want?" I told him all about the church, the dress, the music, the flowers, etc. I said "What kind of wedding do you want?" He said "One that makes you my wife." Sweet. . .I think he got it from a magazine, but still sweet. He really and truly just did not care if there was chicken or fish at the reception. It took me a few years to realize that it didn't mean he didn't care at all--both were equally fine with him
If that was your only issue, I would say blow it off because your wedding will turn out to be exactly what you want without any arguments. I am concerned that your BIG issue isn't being addressed. You sound like you are completely turning away from who you are just to marry this guy. Don't make the arguments about the wedding when the real issues are the relationship. You deserve a guy who embraces and celebrates who you are--even the parts of you that are different from him. This doesn't seem to be happening with your fiance. Is he avoiding the wedding planning because he wants to avoid the marriage??
I know the feeling of loving to plan and organize. No one throws a party like me. . .but don't let that be the reason you get married. It is a LONG road to travel and even the best wedding will only last a few hours. Be sure that the wedding is just a step to the goal--not the actual goal. Would you still marry the guy if weddings were suddenly outlawed and you had to just go to the justice of the peace and sign a piece of paper? If not, don't marry him.

Anonymous said...

833
It's been almost 4 years for me. I felt the same way... if I didn't initiate it, we didn't do it. So guess what? I quit. After 2 1/2 years of no sex, my husband became disabled and I would guess (as I don't even want to try it) can't have sex even if he wanted to. So I guess it's good I've completely lost my desire, as it's going to be a long, long, long time before it ever happens again (given the circumstances).

Anonymous said...

Why do those of you that haven't had sex in years stay with your husbands? I'm not asking to be bitchy, I really want to know. Is it just not important to you? Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

Anonymous said...

831? Don't have kids for that reason. Yeah, your husband may die before you... but he may be seventy-something, and your kid will be forty-something and living in Hawaii with his wife who doesn't like you.

I've seen widowed women who treat their kids as husband-substitutes, emotionally and even financially. It's not pretty. Have kids only because you really, really want to raise a child.

Anonymous said...

839, that was a beautiful confession. War is so terrible...and pointless. hang in there, both of you