Monday, April 30, 2007

True Wife Confessions 179 - the Chianti episode on WineTv

Confession #1781

To my Darling....

I'm so sorry things are the way they are. I miss you so very much. I wish you would come home. I know I'm hard to live with and I'm trying to fix things. I just worry that in our time apart you will change your mind of fixing things. You are around all your single drunken friends now and you are joining them in their bad habits. I honestly don't know how you are going to reach your goals being in that situation. I feel as if you are hiding something but I'm not sure if that is because you aren't around and we aren't talking much or if its what is really going on. I miss us and the way the way we used to be. I miss being able to talk about everything all the time. Now we can't talk ever about anything. I call you and I feel like I'm bothering you. What should I do honey? I'm going to give you your space and see what happens. I love you too much to just walk away and give up on our family.

Devoted to you

Confession #1782

I like watching porn but I let my husband believe I'm not into it. I'm afraid if he found out, he'd want to watch it with me all the time and then he'll take fun out of it.

Confession #1783

I'm afraid because my clock hasn't started ticking. I'm afraid I have no maternal extinct and that I'll suck as a mom. But I'm afraid if I waitt to long to start a family, it'll be too late.

Confession #1784

To My Darling Husband,

I made a list of things I wish I hadn't done, I call it: "Should'a, Would'a, Could'a". Topping the list is accepting your sad excuse of a marriage proposal. You remember that don't you? The one prompted by your fear that you would lose your cush gig if I walked out. So instead of loving me back as I loved you, instead of appreciating all I did (and continue to do) for you, instead of recognising that I'm probably the best thing ever to come into your life, you said: "ok, we'll get married". And fool that I was, I hugged and kissed you and accepted that this "proposal" was the best you could manage. There are lots more entries on my list, like I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be conned into getting so deeply involved in your post-divorce drama, I wish I hadn't allowed friendships to fall away because friends didn't get my attraction to you, I wish I hadn't given up my job for you, I wish I hadn't given every freaking red cent I had and anything of value I could sell for you and your wants and needs. I wish, I wish, I wish. Most of all I wish I didn't love you as much as I do, even now, after all yoour lies, all the hurts, all the betrayals, all the self doubt you've created in me. And I wish I didn't want you the way you don't want me. You used to come home from a trip and practically drag me into our bed, now you barely touch me, except to push my head down to your crotch the night before you leave again. I could hazard a guess as to why you no longer want sex with me, but it changes nothing. When you go I'll get out my "toys" and I'll take care of my needs myself. What the hell, it's not like you've ever really tried to please me in bed except when I bring it up and beg you. And I won't be doing that anymore. It's yet another item on my list.

Confession #1785

Sometimes I watch you sleep because you do this cute little thing with your mouth. You like a little fish. I think it's adorable.

Confession #1786

I am confessing for my husband... he smells his balls ALLTHE TIME!!!
I thinks it's absolutely foul. When he comes home from the gym or a
long bike ride, it's like a smell fest for him. He doesn't even try
to hide it.

Confession #1787

I love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile at me - and you smile at me all the time. I love the way you tell me that I am beautiful and the sexiest woman you have ever known. I can not tell you how much I am in love with you, but I try.

Confession #1788

Why am I still here ? How much more can I take ? You have beat me down to the bottom, to where I have lost my idenity. You are a gutless, no balls bastard. I mean every word I say to you --- You are not a man.. you can't stand up to your own asshole of a father who berates you and always makes you feel like you can't do anything right... hmmmmmmmm wonder where you get those ways.. I am sick of your shit.. I am sick of tempers flaring, your no respect for me or how I feel. I bow down your your every fucking need.. what do I get from you ??? The other night -- when I left here.. I was gone.. I was through. I wish I had not come back... but you know I always do. Always saying -- oh its my fault.. yeah it's my fault you almost ripped me bald that night.... it's my fault for the bruising.. my fault that half the doors in our house have holes.. my fault our daughter shuts herself up in her room and prefers not to talk to us.. all my fucking fault -- huh..? You know.. we started going to church --- thinking this was the good right thing to do.. I am sitting there thinking-- how many other women are feeling like I do.. thinking--- if they only knew. Whatever.. I know I have tried my hardest.. I PROMISE you the next time you lay your fucking hands on me will be the last.. cause i will pack up with my daughter and leave your ass... and then you can figure out who's fault it was.

Confession #1789

I know everyone farts but you are disgusting. I hate the way you wait for my reaction or try to make gag. The other night I was horny for you. When you walked into our bedroom, I was ready to pounce on you. You farted so loud and it so gross all desire for sex was lost.

Confession #1790

Cold Hard Facts

1.You make it a point to not include me in most every area of your life. *fuckin dumbass*

2.Your family is on a pedestal (in which most don’t deserve) and I am expected to treat them as such, though I do not get the same respect back.

3.You talk down and degrade me.

4.You purposely push me to the point of tears for your own satisfaction.

5.You’ve tried to manipulate me for all these years into believing that I am the problem.

6.You almost succeeded.

7.Everyone, everyone, in your life comes before me. everyone. *and f- u I don’t care if you agree*

8.You make it a point to degrade and disrespect me in front of your family whenever possible.

9.You allow your family to do the same. *Be sure to ask about this one so I can tell you of all the shit I hear your mother and sister talking when you are on the phone with them thinking I can’t hear, while you laugh it all, in enjoyment- dumb bastard.*

10.I’ve gotten to the point where I pray on a daily for God to not let me have these insignificant feelings inside caused my you.

11.I work hard to do things to make you happy.

12.I think about spending time with you often, but hate to be around you.

13.I can never quite find the correct words to express how you make me feel, and how much 14.)I’ve grown to be absolutely disgusted with you with how you treat me.

15.)I’m done with being treated as your footstool.

16.)I don’t care about your complaints anymore.

17.)I don’t care if you don’t like my attitude.

18.)I think you’re a piece of shit!!!!!!

19.)Sometimes I wish I didn’t love you.

20.) I’m done fighting for this relationship

21.) I hate your family and their judgmental ways!!!!!!!!!!!! If they were only a tenth of the person I am…

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

True Wife Confessions 178 reminders on post it notes

Confession #1771

I am finding myself at the end of a rapidly fraying rope. It is bad enough that you never tell me that you love me, or tell me im beautiful, or anything even close to it. i do EVERYTHING for you. I cook, I clean, I take care of the animals, I do the grocery shopping, and I work more than you. It is not your right, naturally, as a man to sit on your ass, play computer games, or watch your DVR-ed shows. While I go shopping, clean up and make you something home-made to eat for dinner every night. Last night was it. I don't know if I can take it much longer. I was on the verge of tears at that party last night. I have to BEG you to go with me, then we get there and you act like i don't even exist. Not to mention, i had to stop to get beer and what-not on the way there, and you take credit and carry it in. You dont't even speak to me in public. If I walked into the same room as you, you would leave no more than 1 minute later. I'm not stupid, I do realize it. I try to talk to you, and you give me one word answers before you get up and walk away. We were all taking pictures, laughing and having a good time. When i was taking a picture or my drunk friend and we were all laughing you looked at me with this mean face and said "what are you doing? why are you taking a picture? knock it off, what the fuck are you doing" I just stared at you and then walked away. You ruined the entire night for me. And you embarrass me in front of my friends. They notice how you treat me too. Which makes it all the more humiliating for me. I don't know why you act so ashamed of me in public. We have all mutual friends who like us both. well, sorta like you, i guess. I am pretty, nice, and get along with everyone. All i want is for you to acknowledge us, just once. I don't think that it is too much to ask considering what i do, and put up with for you. You need to change. You're only making yourself look stupid to everyone.

Confession #1772

Well were about to get married in four months, but I'm not even in the slightest way sexually attracted to you. I never wanted to marry you in the first place but my sorority sisters and my family are pushing me into what is going to be the BIGGEST mistake of my live. I hate it when your top of me I have to pretend that you are someone else. I avoid looking in the eye I watch tv everytime. I hate giving you head too you take so long to get off my body almost cramps up from being on my knees so long! I HATE have sex with you. Remember those two times I told I said that it hurt in all actually I yelled the man of my dreams name. Your the most horrible kisser ever too. I hate being in public with you your so gross. I know that you love me more anything but I dont honsetly love you or even like in the slightlest bit... I'm NOT going to marry you after writing this!!!! I feel so much better now!!! THE WEDDING IS OFF!!!

The wedding is off

Confession #1773

You work days and I work nights. You greet me at the
bus stop with our dog, because you do not want me
walking home alone at midnight. I tell you,"Please
don't worry and get more sleep instead." You refuse
and Damn, I feel so cherished. I love our walk home
together. I love holding hands and catching up on our
days. I love you so much.

Confession #1774

Yesterday, when you belittled me over nothing, I came
a hair's breadth away from a separation from you. I'm
tired of the bad attitude, your job taking precedence
over everything, your half-assed attempts at
housework, the procrastination, the impatience, the
know-it-all-ness, our money hemorrhaging into your
useless computer games and hobbies, and the bad sex.

Your apology today helped, but I'm not sure if it was
enough. I'm not sure I love you anymore. I'm not
sure I even care.

Confession #1775

My dear husband

I read this site regularly and have submitted a few confessions myself. My confession today is, I can’t help reading the posts from the women who are being hit on by married men and I feel a little tremble inside thinking, “Is that my husband she is talking about?” It’s silly, it really is, but you did cheat on me six years ago, and I really want to believe that I forgave you and I just can’t forget, because honestly I think deep down I know you wouldn’t make that mistake twice, I pray you wouldn’t. But sometimes I get so fearful and anxious about it, that I can’t breathe and I just can’t trust you. I love you so much, and I think we need counseling, I don’t know what the time limit is on “healing” from an act of infidelity, you seem to think I am way over due with it, and that I should not hurt from it anymore. My one thought for you is this, imagine some other man touching me and kissing me the way you do, really really imagine it. It knocks the wind out of you doesn’t it?

Confession #1776

Honey, it's really sweet that you want to help me around the house. Really sweet. But let's take a minute and go over some minor details.

When I am loading the dishwasher, it is not helpful to come in after I've loaded 99% of the dishwasher to rearrange the dishes and squeeze one more plastic lid in the rack and announce that you are helping. It makes me feel like a child who has to be supervised constantly who can never do anything the right way or good enough for your arbitary standards.

When I am doing laundry, do not come in after I have transfered 99% of the washer into the dryer then grab those last few socks and place them into the dryer. Do not then grab the dryer sheets out of my hands and announce "it's a good thing I was helping, otherwise you'd have forgotten the dryer sheets." You're an ass. I have never forgotten the dryer sheets.

When I am compiling the weekly grocery shopping list I always ask if there is anything you need/want. So in the middle of the week, don't chastise me for not getting whatever random item you need. Did you forget where the four grocery stores near are house are located? Go there your damn self!

If you want to help, how about picking up your laundry and putting it in the hamper. It's a damn treasure hunt throughout the whole house every week. Or you could clean the bathroom (and yes that would mean that you have to use cleaning product) before the bathroom becomes a bio waste land. Or you could cook dinner a night or two a week. Just some suggestions.

Confession #1777

This afternoon, I was reading and fell asleep. I didn't intend to fall asleep - I just did. Instead of waking me up, you went and got our child from school - letting me have an unexpected blissful afternoon nap. I heard you say to her "Shhh, Mommy is asleep" when you got back. Those are the moments when I love you more than ever.

Confession #1778

My my husband:

At times, you disgust me. Your complete and total lack
of hygiene makes me vomit in my mouth a little. Boy,
did you have me fooled when we were dating. Now, I'm
lucky if you shower twice a week, even after working
for 12 hours at a time in hot, sweaty conditions. It's
absolutely revolting, and you wonder why I never want
to have sex with you. I am not letting you put any
appendage that is on your smelly, sweaty, greasy body
anywhere in/on/near mine. No, I will not cuddle with
you. In fact, it pisses me off that you get into our
clean bed and rub your dirty self all over my clean
600 tread count sheets. Sheets I bought so that we
could enjoy the way they felt, together, naked in the
bed. So much for that idea! Take a freaking shower,
get rid of the funk, and then maybe, just maybe, we
can talk.

Confession #1779

I am so tired.

I hate that I don’t know how I feel sometimes. You told me last year that you wanted a divorce. I know you feel differently now, but it kills me to know that it was an option to you, even for a minute. You told me that you just didn’t want to be unhappy with me anymore, nevermind what would have happened after everything was said and done, you just didn’t want to be miserable with ME anymore. You even planned on *giving* me the tax return as a *parting* gift. I am so sorry, but that is sooo wrong.

We have gone to counseling since then, you have realized that it is your issue, not mine, and that’s great. I just wish you would have figured that out before putting us 2 grand into debt for SELFISH SHIT. You were tired of making all of this money, only to turn around and not be able to spend it any way you wanted. Wow, life sucks as a grownup with a house and kids. Get over it.

You are a great guy, when you try. I am so tired of seeing friends with husbands who pull their heads out of their asses to play with their kids, only to know that you will be playing video games the moment we are home. I am tired of you playing the perfect daddy out in public, only to come home and ignore your kids all night. It hurts. I know I am not the best mom, but I think if I had a little help, or a partner in the parenting thing, I would be so much better. I am tired of doing it all while you play and ignore us all.

I know I can ask you for anything and I get it. But, guess what, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK ALL THE DAMN TIME. Sometimes, you should be able to look around, and see. See that the kids want to spend time as a family, see that the dishes need doing, or the wife needs attention. You wonder why I don’t have as many orgasms, well, how long has it been since we spent time together relaxing? Not the movies, not going out on the town, just at home, spending time talking. I love you, and I know I didn’t make a mistake marrying you. I know you are the man that was made for me. I know you had a hard time this past year. I know so much. What do you know?

Confession #1780

(Just thought you all might enjoy the things that come into my inbox - not really a confession I suppose - but still....)

I have to say that I stumbled accross this site while researching sites to
make my wife smile. I am in a state of shock over how any women could stay
in a marriage they hate or even sleep in the same house with a man the
loath. Some of your thoughts expressed on this site are reflective of a
inner hate that is cancer. You are WOMEN ! Much stronger then men. The
pillars of marriage. Heres a mans point of view for all you hume are not
married to a real man. WE ARE ALL FAILURES ! We just process the failure
diffrently. Egos are a major part of our exsistence. Take me for instance. I
love to be soft to women. However I can not be soft to my wife. It is a
battle, a War. Why? who knows. I do recognize this fact and she really does
are adversary's 50% of the time. This is a scary truth. Think about it!
Really! If your honest, you will see that a majority of the discord between
a husband and wife is generated by WHAT? Oh I dont know, maybe IF YOU TALKED
We dont understand when you dont or cant be REAL.When you have a feeling of
slightness on your minds of a failing marriage. I hate when my wife berates
me. But I love her for it. My amazon women is a wonderful lady. A staunch
defender of me, AT LEAST she lies well about doing it. But I even love her
a real man hears the truth, 1 of 2 things happens. He 1, Opens his eyes and
make the drastic changes need to appease his much loved wife, and make her
happy. Or 2, he remains preplexed as to how he never saw it coming. You all
should take a page from the mans book on marriage. basic 101, if shes not
bitching all is good. I wish you could understand the premise behind this
approach. WE REALLY ARE OBLIVIOUS to any thing being wrong. TELL HIM YOU
HIM YOUR NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM ANY MORE! who knows maybe he'll brush is
teeth, lose some wait, read a book on good marriages, or JUST MAYBE, he will
hear you pain, tears, and cry's. And thus make the changes that any real man
would make for his queen. IF he dosnt take it well, then hes not a real man
I replied to this form because I know whom I am. A REAL MAN. Honest with my
wife. demoralized by thinking that the women I love would harbor some if any
of the thoughts that are on this site. YOU women are the root of life on
this planet. Be happy, Be of a peacful mind and know that in truth and
courage you may just find your prince.
Charlie Mankin
A loving and loyal Husband

Monday, April 23, 2007

True Wife Confessions 177 Ruteopplysningen

Confession #1761

I love you, more than I should probably. I love the way that I can see passion, love, and desire in your eyes when you look at me. I love that even when we are angry with the situation or each other I can still see that passion, love, and desire, but...

I hate that you love us both, 'but it's a different kind of love with each of you,' as you have told me.

I hate that you look at her the same way you look at me.

I hate that she has you in life and I only have you in the shadows.

I hate that I love you, and can't stop what we are doing.

I hate that you will never see just how happy I could make you.

Mostly, I hate that I am so deeply in love with you that I can't feel any of this hate when I am with you.

Confession #1762

You're awesome and I love you but I do not want to hear about your stresses at work. Please! I find it boring as hell and I simply don't care. Just handle it and keep the money coming, Daddy Warbucks. That's all I care about as far as your work life is concerned.

Confession #1763

My husband is basically a good loving man but he cannot remember ANYTHING.
Not just little stuff like his keys, I'm talking major family occurences.
He's 30 and should not be this senile. The worst part? He argues with me
about stuff he doesn't remember happening. I end up screaming at him or
frantically trying to find a photo or home video to show him the truth. I
can forgive forgetful, I cannot forgive you when you are blatantly calling
me a liar and I know I am right!

Confession #1764

I slapped my husband (hard) while we were having sex, I was angry that I was close to having an orgasm and he moved. He got upset and childish, even though I apologized - it was the first time something like that has happened. I was still mad at him, afterwards, even though it was really my fault for slapping him. I just wanted to get off, and it's really hard for me to orgasm. So, I went out and bought a vibrator - all better!

Confession #1765

Dear Married Friend,
Please stop asking me to sleep with you. You're married and I sincerely doubt your wife would appreciate you cheating on her. You tell me you hate her, you love her, you feel you've settled... This isn't my problem; if you're so unhappy, get a divorce and live out your teenage fantasies. I certainly wouldn't go against my beliefs and do a damn thing with you. Get over it.

Confession #1766

You think that everything is fine now and that we are
doing OK but what you don't know is that I intend to
leave you as soon as I have enough money saved up.

I can't forget what you've done and I know that it
isn't over between the two of you. Each time it's
happened I've died a little more inside. The fact
that I'm keeping you apart from her is a satisfaction
beyond words. But I'm leaving and you'll have

Confession #1767

I have a good husband. The kind who goes out at 12 am after he's already in his pajamas because I feel like ice cream. The kind who gives me a massage EVERY SINGLE NIGHT....and expects nothing in return. The kind who scrimped and saved back when we were starting out and had absolutely nothing but each other to send me flowers on my first mother's day. Then please, someone, tell me why I lay awake every night wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how I got to this place in my life where all I want is OUT. Wondering why I just want to start over from the beginning and make completely different decisions. I feel sad and horribly guilty.

Confession #1768

Dear Sweet Boy,

Thank you. Not only have you awakened me, but when we are together and away from the realities of life, I am the person I used to be. She's been gone for a very long time, replaced by the hardened bitch that I have become. I guess that's just life but when I am with you I don't have to be that way. You are a kind, gentle, tender person and having you in my life has made me realize I can still be that person too. While I haven't completely transformed back to my old self, even towards you sometimes (and for that I apologize), I do realize the real me isn't gone forever, she's still there and she will rise again someday. If it weren't for you I don't know if I ever would have found her. You have given me so much more than I originally bargained for. Even though what we share is only temporary, I am eternally grateful.

From the bottom of my heart and the depth of my soul, I thank you.


Confession #1769

Almost 20 years and two kids, and I don't know what love should be. We say
"I love you," but what does it mean? I feel nothing when I say it.

I find myself wanting to spend more time away from home. Out, doing
anything, by myself. Or doing things with friends. I have one friend who
gave me this pitiful look when I said that I'd gone to see a certain movie
alone - why? Am I not supposed to be able to enjoy life unless I have a
spouse attached to my hip?

There's no attraction left for me, either. Is it only superficial? I know
I still have it in me, I just don't have it in me for you. Sometimes it
makes me sad, sometimes not.

Confession #1770

When I married you, I knew that you weren't a touchy feely, complimenting type of guy. So, I guess it's not right of me to want you to change this late in the game but I do. It's sad that it's taken me this long to realize that I deserve to be treated better than you've been treating me all these years. And, no, I'm not asking for the moon, in fact, I'm asking for very little, just to be treated like you like me, love me, find me attractive, think that anything I do is worth noting, etc. Things that I think that most married men do without even thinking about. Thoughtful things that most people who love someone else do. Things that most people would do for someone that they like, just something to be kind, things that you don't do, for me, at least. You don't seem to have problems doing nice and thoughtful things for others, but for me, you do nothing and it hurts, badly.

The sad thing is that if you were doing other things to show that you loved me, the occasional (well, way more than occasional if you want me to be blunt) mess-up/forgotten/less than memorable special days, etc. wouldn't matter. Mess ups are forgiven if there are other things in other areas to make up for it. Unfortunately, there aren't other areas that are stellar, so the times you mess up are getting harder and harder to overlook.

You don't trust me, you read my email, you check my internet usage. I've given you no reason to not trust me, so this really, really sucks and hurts. You caught an email that I sent to TWC and it hurt you badly. The confession was all true but I am sorry that I hurt you, truly. But, you shouldn't be snooping on me and if you think about it, why would I have to write a confession if there wasn't any reason to write one?

I used to do so many nice things for you, thoughtful things. You have to notice that I don't do them anymore and you probably just chalk it up to me being a bitch or something like that. Why should I go out of my way to do nice things for you if you don't reciprocate, don't act like it's a big deal and don't make any comments of appreciation for the things I've done?

Don't give me that puppy-dog hurt look when you know damn well what you've done. Don't tell our friend jokingly to "not make you look bad" when he talks about what he did for his wife on Valentine's Day. YOU make yourself look bad because you're too selfish and thoughtless to think about something other than yourself or your job, your family be damned, me especially.

Every time you have a chance to be thoughtful and don't, it hurts me. Even though I know you won't be thoughtful, it still hurts. I guess I'm always thinking that maybe, just maybe he'll get it and do what most people do in a situation like this, but no, you don't. And, no, I don't want to have to point out to you that you SHOULD be thoughtful in situations, as you should get it and I don't want a canned response from you, I want true emotion and the true desire to do something nice for me/for the kids for no reason other than you loving us, like most people would do.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Burden of proof

I have started and discarded this post several times now. At first, I assumed it was that I was busy with the end of my term in school and the proposal that I had to write.

Then I contemplated that it might be best to say nothing - let it all die down with no comment. Not only is that not my nature, but it is hardly the nature of TWC. I can't recall a time when I have said nothing - even when saying nothing would have benefited me more than saying something. The curse of the assertive chick, we call it in my family.

And yes, I have talked with people who are dear to me about this. Each confession becomes a part of me - I feel protective about each person and the space that I create with them. I may not love what they say, but the space in which they say it is intimate to me, for me.

I suppose the only thing I can say is that I regret it. I regret that it has happened here, but I do not believe that it is the norm. I honestly do believe that 99.99% of these confessions are real and true at the time the person wrote them. That is not to say that I do not believe that we are reading unmitigated 100% truth, for there are always multiple sides to every story, but that it not what we are here to do - judge if one thing is more true than another.

I have not been shy to talk about my postpartum depression. I have not been dishonest when I said that I considered killing my child, for I was very ill and in the depth of the depression it felt as if I was trapped in something so terrible, so inescapable that I had no choice. It was her or me. While I did not reach psychosis, I did skim it. I idly planned. I day dreamed. The thing that held me back was my fear of being caught - not the wrongness of the action. I thought "Perhaps if I crash into a tree, then no one will know that I meant to kill her...but if she dies..."

When my therapist and I finally began to unravel what had happened to me, the saying out loud of that thought was earth shaking. I was saying the worst possible thing a mother could ever, every say. I cried through many sessions as I came to grips with the real-ness of what I had thought, what I had more than once dreamed about. I still get a little teary as I look at the on-the-verge-of-adolescent girl laying at the foot of my bed. I am grateful for therapy and modern anti-depressants for returning her mother to her.

I can believe that someone could plan and/or cause the death of their infant. I can believe that they could be very ill and have made a decision that, in a different time and place, they regret deeply. I can believe this, because I was very nearly that person.

Perhaps this willingness to believe that people have places and things which lie under the surface of the faces we show the world allows me to treat each confession as real without many questions. Perhaps my burden of proof is low because I have been to places inside myself which I never believed were possible, and certainly did not fit into my image of myself as smart, successful, confident wife, mother, daughter and woman.

Perhaps this makes me naive. I prefer to think of it, instead, as being very receptive to a wide range of life experiences.

So, I will not block. I will not censor, I will not edit. I have faith in the community of confessors and readers. I defend this space that we have created together, but I will not police it.

I apologize for the time it took me to respond. It took some time for this to come together for me and I wanted to be sure of what I wanted to say. Keep sending in confessions. Only we can determine what we want this space to be.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

True Wife Confessions 176 years of age ( or the age when Harriet, the last of Darwin's Galapogas Turtles died)

Confession #1751

Every time you call me a "fucking bitch," I love you a little less. Keep it up and I will show you
what a "fucking
bitch" I can be by taking our daughter and leaving.

Confession #1752

Dear Husband,

We're expecting our second child this summer, and the nesting instinct has hit me really hard the past couple of weeks. Just yesterday I was going through my file cabinet and cedar chest and boy, did I find a lot of old stuff.

I found the picture of my high school boyfriend who was really sweet and treated me like a queen. I found pictures of a couple of guys I had breathless crushes on in college. I found some pictures of my ex-husband. I found logfiles I'd printed out from some guy I had an internet fling with after I got divorced. I found pictures and letters from the guy I dated for five years before you and I got together. It made me start thinking about all those other people I've known.

I know we've had hard times, and I know we've been stressed out. I know that the dynamics have shifted between us as life has thrown new challenges our way. But, my love, finding all those old memories made me realize something. We're perfect for each other. We're soul mates, and I wanted you to know that I know that too. Thank you for this perfect family, and this wonderful life. I love you more than I've ever loved any other man in my whole life.

Confession #1753

You are throwing me away and you don't even know it. You continually push me away, and then wonder why I am distant. Because each time you do push me away, I go farther and it takes longer to get back, back to those feelings of closness.

my confession is that I always judged those individuals who chose to cheat rather than leave their spouse. I shouldn't have done that because I am now very close to becoming one of them. I went onto one of those well publicized sites where you can advertise for an affair - I did that because I wanted to see if anyone still wanted me. Sick, I know. But when you have been turned away and pushed away for years you begin to wonder if it is you.

I want and NEED to be desired and needed again. Is it possible to just have an affair? If you don't want me, someone else does - and I need that.

Will it be possible to still live with you and be with another man?

Confession #1754

Thank you for agreeing with me that we have the perfect sized family. You are an excellent, devoted father and I would never in a million years deny you a child. Not ever. Still, it's nice to know that family planning is no longer an issue for us. When you said "...we're on the same page" about that and about wanting to be emotionally available for each of our beautiful children, my heart swelled with joy. When you further elaborated on our common parenting beliefs, goals and hopes, in that moment, I fell in love with you all over again. I tend to do that often, you know, because you're just so great. Even when we are not "on the same page." You seem to always say just the right thing and you always mean it. What we have together is so real, lovely and warm. I feel very fortunate to have you in my life. What am I talking about? You and the children ARE my life.

Confession #1755

I'm sorry for the spats we've had in the past. I don't care about that table anymore, or the stupid laundry quarters. I hope you forgive me for throwing juice on you after that one really bad fight. I forgive you for stepping on my hand. I deserved it for sticking things in your face. I was just mad that you were sleeping so much and afraid you'd forget about me entirely. But I know you were stressed and I was blowing it way out of proportion. It's really easy to focus on the negative sometimes and forget how lucky we are. I'm just so glad that we can talk things out if we don't see eye-to-eye.

The thing is, it feels so damn good to be with you that if I lost you it'd be like I lost all of my limbs. That's why I pull away sometimes or act like a diva. That's why sometimes when you look into my eyes and I'm the happiest person on the planet, I don't let myself feel it. That's why sometimes when you tell me you love me, I go silent. It's because I'm afraid to experience something so magical that if I lost it I'd never be the same. I'm just a horrible chicken, and a pessimist. But you've helped me restore my faith in myself. You helped me realize that the only sin in life is not trying at all, and that happiness is a series of tiny realizations we put into action by valuing ourselves and being kind.

The truth is, you really are the best lover I've ever had. It's like your bedroom skills mirror your boyfriend skills. Sometimes I wonder if all soul mates have mind-blowing sex, or if we just got doubly-lucky. I know you don't believe me when I tell you that you're the best, and that's probably because you and I both know that your penis is small-ish and crooked. But I don't care! It's cute, and you can make me come any time you want. Nobody ever did that or even came close. And when you put your mouth all over me it is pure Heaven. I'm just grateful I can please you as well.

When you look at me with your sparkling, cerulean eyes and just smile at me, telling me how you feel, there is no greater satisfaction for me than knowing I brought that love into your life. I just wish I could open my heart to you at all times. I promise I'm trying to get there, and I will. I hope and pray that this fear continues to be something that I can manage. I know it hurts you when I pull away. I'm so sorry I made you cry. It kills me. I promise I'll make it up to you, or I'll die with more regret in my soul than anyone who ever lived.

P.S. Thank you 1,000,000 times over for all of your love, support, kindness, acceptance, nurturing, fun, laughter, and absolute joy. You restored my hope in the male gender. I'm so glad I finally gave up on my exes and decided to give you a chance.

Confession #1756

I hate you.
I cannot stand to be in your arms or for you to kiss me.
I know I said that I've been nauseous lately so that you won't french kiss me, but the truth is that I don't want your tounge anywhere near me.

The only reason I'm here is because you threatened me with a custody battle if I left with our daughter.
So I am going to stay here unhappily....until 8/12/07...then I am leaving with our daughter while you are at work and you aren't goingI to have a clue where we went.
And you won't come after us because you are finally going to be able to afford that new laptop you've always wanted.

You're getting fat and nasty and I don't want to have sex with you anymore.
Despite having breastfed a baby for about a year, I look EXCELLENT...and you've let yourself go.
Whenever I go out, I get hit on by some attractive men...and I might take up an offer for "coffee" if you don't straighten up.
You're only 20! Why so nasty?

When you ask me "What [I] want for [you] to do..." My answer is always "Nothing, forget about it!"
What I want for you to do is:
1) If you want for me to stay, give me a reason to stay.
2) Stop being mean and cold
3) Stop being indifferent towards everything...your indifference about everything forces me to push you until I get a response.

I hate you.
I loathe you.
You disgust me.

Confession #1757

I know we talked about this early on in our relationship and I haven't changed my mind. I don't want children, you don't want children. We mutually decided not to have children and we have both always felt this way. Great, right? We both want the same thing so everything should be fine, right?

But...I had no idea you hated kids. I want to be the best Auntie, Godmother, friend, role model, etc to all the babies that are now entering my life now that my sisters, cousins, and friends are becoming mothers. You despise children. That time you hissed "I hate that sound" when my best friend's niece was crying (and everyone heard you, I was so embarrassed) is branded into my memory. It makes me mad that everytime I want to talk about my Godchild or my neice who will be born any day, you have to make some comment about how much babies and children suck.

OK, I don't think you really hate kids. I think you are doing it just to make sure that I don't change my mind now that I am surrounded by pregnant women and babies. I think you are afraid that if you show the slightest bit of affection to a baby, I will suddenly become a biological-clock driven crazy lady hellbent on producing a child. Honey, it's not going to happen. You KNOW that!

I think part of the reason I have grown kind of distant over the past month is the fact that my best friend has a baby 10 days ago and you haven't even expressed the slightest interest in seeing him. I wish you knew how sexy it is to see a rough & rugged man be gentle and loving with a baby...even if it is not his...especially if it is not his! You are about to be an Uncle. A real honest-to-goodness Uncle. This little girl, my sister's daughter, is going to grow up with a wonderful Auntie but a cold and distant Uncle. That kills me. This little girl deserves all the love we can give her and I swear to God, if you continue with this intense dislike of babies, I will have to seriously reconsider our relationship. Grow up and stop behaving like such a baby yourself!

Confession #1758

Remember back in 1998 or 1999 when you bought that T-shirt with the picture of that bikini-clad woman on it? The one that you were so proud of? It said "Man Cannot Live on Beer Alone"? The one you put in the closet and then never could find again right after you bought it?

I took it to a dumpster across down, before you ever got a chance to wear it.

I just couldn't bear the idea of walking around in public with someone who was wearing that stupid shirt.

Confession #1759

I do not think I will ever forgive you for what you said last night. I am not trying to substitute anything for my infertility and I know perfectly well that a kitten isn't the same as a baby. And when I turned around, shoved you into a wall and screamed at you... you have no idea how close I was to hitting you. Or that while you walked off and went outside to keep working on one of your "projects" that I packed a bag and sat in my car for thirty minutes. I'm glad I chose not to leave but I will hear those cruel and thoughtless words in my mind every day for the rest of my life. And I will probably never look at you the same way again.

Confession #1760

To my loving husband:

I don't know what made me flirt with the guy at work and entertain the idea
of an affair. You are perfect and have never given me reason to want to
stray. Nothing has happened and nothing will. When he gave me a ride home
(aka me playing with fire!) he tried to kiss me. I didn't allow it. I now
know that I am not an affair having type. I love you so much, and I will not
put myself in that situation again.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

True Wife Confessions 175 Paragraph

Confession #1741

To my husband:
I'm sorry that you will never have my whole heart. I'm sorry that on the day you proposed to me, I sat in the car on the way home, and regretted saying yes. I'm sorry that on our wedding day when I told you we should wait, that I really meant it. I didn't want to get married, but I didn't see a way out either. I'm sorry that as we left the alter, I didn't feel like my whole life was ahead of me. I'm sorry that my smile was forced and my tears were not tears of joy. I'm sorry that I forgave you when you cheated on me, because maybe, just maybe, I still had a chance with him.

To the one that got away, or rather, the one I pushed away:
I found an old box that had all the letters you had given me. I sat there in disbelief, that at the time, that wasn't good enough for me. That I still was longing for something more. Longing for the unknown. How young and stupid I was. When you called that one time there was a voice in the back of my head that said "here's your chance. take it." In true me fashion, I didn't. I thought I'd moved on. I was so foolish.

So I've sat alone tonight yet again, wondering what happened to you. And I found you. On myspace. When I saw your handsome face and your loving arms wrapped around your beautiful wife, my heart literally sank. When I saw the pictures of your beautiful children, tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of joy for you because I know you've found what you were looking for, and tears of utter sadness because those loving arms aren't wrapped around me, and those smiling babies aren't ours.

Confession #1742

I feel guilty for wanting my ex to go back into the
Army. I think it would do him some good to go back in
since he repeatedly mentions how he misses it and
tells everyone through MySpace that he is and was
proud to be a soldier. Plus I'm getting so sick of
hearing about how screwed up he is now and how life
was perfect while he was in the Army. I want to scream
at him and tell him to go re-enlist. But I don't
because I don't want him to miss out on his children's life.

Confession #1743

You are old... I am 28, you are 43 ( 44 on April 29) I love you soo much, but hate that you are soo old. You will be 59 when our son is 18. I hate that you are old and wrinkled. I hate that you have a terrible skin condition, (really bad eczema). Why did I fall in love with a yucky, old man???? I don't know what I would do without you. I love you soo much, (what is wrong with me??? )

I wanted another baby, you got a vasectomy. I hate you for taking advantage of my postpartum depression and getting a vasectomy when our baby was less than 1 year. I guess I don't want a child that has a dad that is 65.

What do I do, I love my man soo much, but he effed me for children because he is kinda old.

Confession #1744

TO my son:

I love you with all of my heart. With that being said, I’m sorry too.

I’m sorry you have a father who feels it is perfectly appropriate to watch R-rated movies in front of you. Movies where there’s drug use, loads of cursing, violence and sex scenes. I’m sorry that when I get angry at him, he blows me off and tells me its won’t affect you. And then he turns up the volume so even if we go into another room, we still hear the words like “fuck”, “nigger”, “cunt”, “faggot” and the like. I just pray that these types of words and what you’ve seen on tv at times doesn’t affect you.

I’m sorry that the only time he’s an attentive father is when he’s got an audience – like in restaurants and at family gatherings. I’m sorry he’s such a selfish, lazy piece of shit. If it helps any, he’s like that with everyone. Especially me. In front of others, you’d think he’s the model, loving husband.

I’m sorry that sometimes I yell at you. I’m sorry that I’m not very fun. I’m very aggravated that your father contributes nothing more than a paycheck and treats me like the maid. I’m tired of trying to keep everything together AND be both mother and father. For many years, he begged me to have a child – his child. He had all sorts of plans for the two of you. But what a joke. All of that talk was just a load of crap. Don’t feel bad, he’s sold me on sweet talk too. I bought it hook, line and sinker.

I won’t be leaving him anytime soon. Heck I don’t even feel comfortable leaving you with him for an hour to get groceries on my own. Mainly because I feel like leaving him alone with you is like letting an 6-year-old watch you. (And right now, he’d fight for equal parenting rights but only because it would make him look like a responsible, loving father. But I know that the newness would wear off.) And that would mean you’d spent entire weekends doing nothing but watching tv and r-rated movies, eating junk and occasionally playing outside by yourself for hours at a time unattended. He’s not violent. He’s not a drunk or druggie. He’s not even terribly irresponsible with money. He’s just a selfish, selfish asshole. So for now, I figure leaving him would do more harm than good -- especially if we got divorced. Then I would have no say in the women he’d bring into your life. And I don’t trust him enough to be picky about the kind of people he’d let into your life.

I am doing everything I can to ensure you stay that sweet, gentle soul you are now. If that happens, unfortunately, it will be DESPITE your father. Not as a result of his influence.

Confession #1745

Your back has gone out. Yet again. Mine went out a few weeks ago. I believe you told me to “suck it up.” And I did. It was painful but it was “business as usual.” Yet today, you laid in bed all day. And later on, you watched movies. You didn’t lift a finger. But yet when MY back went out, you didn’t hesitate for a moment when your office held a happy hour. So not only was I up and about taking care of our child all day, but I had no relief at night either. And of course, that was when you decided to two TWO happy hours in one week. Thanks a lot asshole.

Confession #1746

You don't know how endearing I found it when, after the pet food recall came out, you promptly went to the cabinet - read all the pet food ingredients - threw them all away and promptly went to the "All natural Pet Food Store" and began buying the $1.69 cans of wet food and the $18.00 bag of dry food for the cat that you claim to not even like. You are a sweet man, even when you try to act tough.

Confession #1747

You made me feel special, but we could never be together. I tried before to end it, but it hurt too much and I'm selfish. I knew I had to mean it this time. It was the right thing to do for my family. And yours probably, too.

I had this idea in my head that I would still be able to read your blog so that I knew what was going on with you. That made it better to know that you would still "be" there. But you took that away, removed your blog...your email accounts...cut me off from any way of communicating with you. That felt like a slap in the face and made me so ashamed. I felt my face turn hot as it sunk in how much I had either hurt or angered you. Or both.

I never intended to email you today, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't leave it so cold. And then you responded, and I kept emailing back because I knew that it would probably be the last time I ever "spoke" to you, and I wanted those last few times of seeing your name in my inbox.

I cried the whole time we were emailing back and forth. When the clock hit 5:00 and I knew you were gone forever, that either your email accounts would no longer work or you just wouldn't reply, I hid in my bathroom and sobbed.

I miss you. I didn't stop loving you.

Confession #1748

I find it ironic that you’ve been nagging me to get a full time job. You DO realize that when I go back to work, you will have to actually start pulling your weight around our house, don’t you? You will have to start actually, oh, I don’t know, BEING A FATHER TO OUR CHILD. You’ll have to clean up after yourself, schedule your own appointments and take turns getting up with our child at night/caring for him when he’s sick. In fact, I think I’ll draw up some sort of contract indicating what your new chores will be just so when you stop doing them after the second week I’m back at work, I have something concrete to throw in your face.

Confession #1749

to my lover:

you have awakened a part of me that I thought was long gone. I did not know I could look so beautiful through the eyes of another. Your romance, your sweet notes.. I thought that this could never be real - that it was made up for movies. With every kiss, with every "I love you" at the end of your notes, with every sweet smile as you expect nothing from me in return - you are claiming a part of me that has remained in cold storage.

Confession #1750

I have a fantasy…. Someday I hope you come down with cancer. And when you are dying in a hospital bed that’s placed in our living room, and are in agonizing pain and beg me to give you some of the pain meds, I will tell you “in a minute”. Then I will go out for a happy hour or maybe some shopping. I might even stay out all night. Just the thought that maybe someday I can put you through some sort of painful shit due to my own selfishness, keeps me married to you.

Monday, April 09, 2007

True Wife Confessions 174 cadbury eggs

Confession #1731

I love you so much. I don't know what I would do
without you. I love the way you are constantly telling
me that you love me and I love that you are not scared
of telling me that you want to spend the rest of your
life with me.

There is just one thing. . . I know that you look at
porn. I know it's a silly thing to bother me, but it
does. I don't think you look at it when I'm here
anymore and for that, I am grateful. But I'm sure you
still look at it. I know that you are attracted to me
and the sex between us is great. But I still have body
image issues. I hate that we have sex with the lights
off. Yes, you tell me that it's because of your own
hangups, but I can't help thinking deep down that it's
because you don't want to look at me. So when you have
sex with me with the lights off and then you get off
to hot girls, that hurts me. Those girls, you don't
mind seeing. I know you tell me I'm attractive. Maybe
not as often as I'd like, but you do. And I try to
tell you all the time that I am attracted to you. I
love seeing you naked. I need to see you naked. That's
what I think about when I'm alone. Not strange men
that I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't feel so hurt about
you looking at porn if it seemed like you actually
wanted to look at me naked too.

I do love you baby. I love you more than all the hot
sauce in the world. Thank you for putting up with me.

Confession #1732

I wish I could leave are right.. I am completely and utterly
inlove with him still... miss him with all of my heart and it was the
biggest mistake of my life...leaving are mean to fucked
her and lied to me about it...."it was the beginning you wasn't
cheating you say...I am not that person you say..." really you are a
liar...manipulative...but yet when u constantly leave me I beg you to say...
I beg and beg once week...sometimes twice...if I had him I would leave you
in a sec but I think I saw him with someone else so its probably over... I
won't be suprised if you find this... i won't be suprised if u have a bug on
the computer to track what websites I go to..but I am that pathetic I will
not leave you... i will just secretly hope and pray that u will ask me to
marry then I will never be alone again...because u r right that is
why I am with you... I am a chicken shit...who doesn't want to be
it weak if I know that is what I am doing?? but i wll also go on pretending
to everyone else who will listen that we are happy... I wonder if anyone
believes me?... i know my friends don't...

Confession #1733

You keep saying you want to marry me, but all I keep thinking is, "Like heck that's happening."

We got into our first "big" fight & you grabbed me by my hair as you screamed @ me. You said I overreacted when I told you that you nearly ripped my hair out & I had a headache for hours. No, it was true. I didn't make it up. You hurt me. I'm honestly scared of you, but can't tell you. When we get into a fight, I get scared about what you're going to do - you claimed you weren't even "mad" when ya did that, so what are you going to do when you ARE mad?

It was our 1 year soon after & you gave me a gift I'd alwayz wanted, but there wasn't a card or anything about feelings for me which is what I really wanted. I knew it'd be what would fix my heart, but no, nothing. I got you a gift I thought you'd love, as well as a card telling you how much I loved you, but you sat there silent like it sucked. You completely broke my heart. I tried so hard & you didn't care. Plus, the fact you thought all I would want is some material possesion hurt me so bad.

It's hard to forget that you chose to advance a career you claimed you didn't want over keeping a promise to me - over a date we'd planned together since we first met. I know I should forgive you for it, but I can't forget it. All of our fights, it's caused by me remembering that & resenting you even more. The fact you're only making $30, every couple of weeks, in said "career" just makes it worse you "went there".

The reason I don't wanna go to your family's much is cause they're so different than what I'm used to being around in my family. They don't hug you when you come in. They don't act happy to see you. They're just...there. I can't stand it. It scares me to see them & think, "That's your future." I'm dreading going there in a few weeks, cause I know it's going to be the same again.

I'm tired of you flinging my friendships w/men I've known longer than you in my face - you knew going in I was a "fan" & now I'm not allowed to be that. Every single time I tell you about something 1 of the boys says, you have to go there, "Well if I did that...." but in the same breath, you tell me you trust me. You obviously don't, but you probably have good reason - "he's" after me to marry him. I'd never date him, but sometimes I let you think I would to make you jealous. I'll tell you about the things other boys say, cause when you get jealous, you finally act like you care about me instead of about your stupid sports radio.

Everyone wants me to leave you, but I can't. I dunno why anymore, but I do love you & I want us to work so badly it's unreal. I wish you could be the boy you were when we first started dating. I don't know what happened to him, but all I keep doing is wishing & praying that everyone's wrong, that our "honeymoon" isn't over after a year that's completely changed my life, but now, is changing it in really bad ways.

Confession #1734

You knew who I was when you met me. You knew what I believed. You knew I was an individual, not someone who would just cater to the whims of the penis priesthood you so boldly claim you have.

But please, even if you think my beliefs are crazy and nutty, do not belittle me in front of your children. Do not touch those things I consider sacred. Do not even pretend that you have one ounce of spirituality in your bones. Because you don't.

I'm trying to remember why we are still married. We don't have sex. We don't talk. We are really no more than roommates.

Please, just let me follow my truth and I'll leave you alone. That seems to be what you want anyway.

Confession #1735

The death of our son was no accident. I know you could never forgive me if you knew the truth. Nobody could, including me. I'd have grown old in prison for sure if I hadn't been so clever. I will continue to be the best wife I can be to you and hide the terrible pain inside me until death parts us my love. Making you happy and our great lovelife are my only consolations. Otherwise, I deserve to suffer.

Confession #1736

Just when I think you couldn't get any better, you go and surprise me. You are unbelievable. I adore you. I adore you. I adore you. A million times over.

Confession #1737

Just a month ago, I was posting on another blog about how great we had
it, finally, after 8 years, working through the challenges and looking
forward to a lifetime of togetherness. But then you came home and asked
me to send my daughter to live with her dad, for being, basically, a

She doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and has a "B" average. Her
boyfriend is good kid with college prospects. All in all, I am pretty
happy with her. So she misses curfew on occassion and lost her cell
phone. So her room is a stye. Doesn't seem to me a good reason to throw
her out, and when I said "no", you stopped speaking to her, and to me
only when necessary.

You knew 8 years ago coming in that I had two kids and that it's not
always easy when kids are involved. Would you be asking the daughter we
had together to leave for coming in late a few nights? I think not.

I love you-at least, I did. But my kids were part of the package.
Asking me to choose you over one of them was the worst thing you could
have done to me. There is no winner here. And I'm not sure if I love
you anymore.

I don't know what made you react this way to a teenager doing what
teenagers do. She paid for the phone, she's stopped skipping curfew.
What the hell else do you want??

What really pisses me off is that you joke about the crap you did as a
teenager-the drinking, the smoking, the vandalism of the coach's car,
but won't cut my daughter an inch of slack. WHY?

And while we're at it, what the hell happened to our sex life? It's
been months-3 I think, maybe 4, I can't remember any more. Much longer
than the time that's gone by since you asked me to throw my daughter
out, so that's not it. You act like my roommate, you don't even kiss me
anymore. And you're no prize-you rush to get the mouthwash your dentist
recommends, but when the doctor tells you to lose weight, you
conveniently ignore that advice.

I'm 48 years old and I hate waking up in the morning. But the thing is,
I can hardly sleep. And it's all your fault.

Confession #1738

I wish someone would tell his new girlfriend that he's
fucking around on her.

I wish someone would tell her that he's not the
perfect boyfriend.

I wish someone would tell her that he has been fucking
me, the one person she hates the most, for the past 3

And I wish I could tell him to stop calling me.

I broke it off with him for good last week and he
agreed. 3 days later, he tells me he still wants me.
If his new girlfriend is so wonderful, then why does
he still call me? And if he's so wonderful, why is she
still calling HER ex?? I wish someone would tell them
both that their new wonderful partner are both liars
and cheats. Neither one would believe me.

I am saying no to him from now on. It doesn't matter
how good the sex is. He will never give me anything
else and he will continue to lie to his girlfriend
about his contact with me.

Confession #1739

Why couldn't you have been my husband? Sometimes I am consumed by thoughts of what could have been between us.

Confession #1740

It was as if we felt compelled to spend every moment we could together because we knew it couldn't last. Every waking (and sleeping) moment, even when we were both at work, we emailed one another constantly back and forth during the day, and spoke on the phone several times. Nights and weekends....I'll never forget that time. We were each other's everything. There was no room for the world. There was only our love, the love we'd both waited for our whole lives. We felt we were the same person...BEYOND soulmates....we had our own language, remember? The word "love" didn't even come close to describing what we felt for one another, we made up our own word. I told you I would love you forever. And after. We laughed ALL the time. And when we made love, each time it was like the first time for me. I couldn't remember ever being with anyone else. Every relationship I'd had up til we met had just been a dress rehearsal for what we had. I told you that. You said you felt the same. Everywhere we went, everything we did, every movement we made was a celebration of our love. People stared at us wherever we went. Remember?

So we moved in together. We planned on marrying in January. One Wednesday evening in September you demanded that I prove my love to you and marry you that weekend. So I did. We ran away to Montauk and married. We giggled all weekend. One of us would say, "We DID it!" and we'd dissolve into uncontrollable laughter. You were my Hero. You'd saved me from a life without love. I was your Princess.

But your demons had been hiding silently all along, biding their time. Marriage was their trigger. The false accusations. The constant battering for more love, more affection, more attention, more sex, more money....suddenly, I wasn't good enough, no matter how hard I tried. Suddenly, the woman you claimed to love was the same woman you treated with contempt. You raged your demands on me constantly, as constantly as you had once loved me. The love that I had thanked the Goddess for each and every day turned overnight into something evil and ugly. I was miserable all the time. I gave you everything in the hopes that the demons would set you free and return the man I'd fallen in love with to me. But they were unyielding. They controlled you now and in time I had to realize that they would never, and will never, ever let you go.

I had no choice. I couldn't stand the abuse any longer. Once I realized the man I loved was never coming back, that the demons had murdered him and replaced him with....whoever , whatever you are now....I had to leave. I had to save myself.

You used me. But not for sex or money.

Your demons have convinced you that you are a useless, worthless human being. You used me to prove them right.

But I saw someone else when I looked at you. I saw a sensitive, kind, thoughtful, loving, sexy, intelligent, talented, generous man who gave as much love as he received. A man who reflected the face of the divine.

You never, not once, EVER fought to save our love. You gleefully beat it down, wore it out, and kicked it to the curb.

You never fought for me. That's what hurts most of all. I gave in to each and every one of your demands, regardless of how unreasonable they were. I asked for one thing: that you continue to see your therapist. But he'd gotten too close to those demons. You would never go back and fight that fight. Not for us. Not for me. Not for yourself.

I'm building a life for myself. I'm financially and emotionally independent now, on my own in every sense of the word. It hasn't been easy. There were moments when I believed I'd die without you. But I'm still alive. In fact, I'm thriving. My life is getting better and better every day. I continue to evolve. For the first time in my life, I am proud of myself and my achievements. I am loving myself the way you promised you would.

But I will never, ever forget those glory days of the Princess and The Hero.

My Hero is gone. I know now he will never return. I promised to love him forever. And after.

I intend to keep that promise.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

True Wife Confessions 173 years for the water in Lake Superior to change

Confession #1721

We have not had sex since October 2006.

I'm only 44. The number of times we've had sex, we could probably count
on our fingers between us since 2004.

That said, it was not very good with you anyway. i love you. I just
wasn't able to connect with you in bed. But I still *want* to want to
have sex with you. It's killing me inside that I've probably used up
most of my sex times. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you.
Sometimes I want to die when I think about this.

Confession #1722

Though I'm not a wife..

To my first girlfriend, I'm so sorry for the selfish 19 year old I was. In a
subsequent relationship I longed for the opportunities you granted me, when
the girl that came years later left me without a word or explanation and was
gone. But I'm not sorry for the time I gave you. I'm not sorry that in many
ways I was wonderful. I'm not sorry for the vicious bitch you became after
you found out I had tried to move on. I deserved some of the disdain; I was
manipulative and young and stupid and you were exactly what I wanted, a
beautiful young woman with an ironclad will and a voice that won
scholarships, and how could i not be helplessly, romantically post
adolescent in my adoration to you?

While I liked to hear what a big dick I had, and of the stamina with which I
fucked you, I didn't enjoy hearing about how I scarred your back and ruined
your haircut the time I fucked you wall tow all across your bedroom carpet.
I certainly didn't deserve to hear that were offering to fuck anyone who
would kick the shit out of me after it ended, or get the call from the dean
of students when you accused me of sexual harassment after I came back to
school from a leave of absence and called you a few times to tell you I was
sorry in an attempt to attenuate any of the inevitable ill-will that comes
of these situations. I hate you for looking the same as you did when I loved
you. I hate that I saw you day after day in the same body, in the same
clothes and with the same friends. I hate that the poems I had written for
you ended up in my book, in my first book, the book that marked the
beginning of who I wanted to be. And I hate that Im writing this ten years
later, married to a beautiful woman who will never be as malicious and
unreasonable as you, and that i still rehearse in my dreams the ways and
hows that I might say I'm sorry.

But darling, when I was 19 and unwise: the yellow fabric of your favorite
blouse on your arms in the April sun, with the one button that never seemed
to fasten quite right, the world was unexplored, and unexplained. You were
my best friend, the emissary of a world in which things could go my way, and
now you are the one I think of when I realize that I am growing old.

Confession #1723

I am so sorry that I even came back here. I should of started over somewhere else.. I don't ...........well I am not IN LOVE with you!! I love you, but it just isn't there , I am so sorry..
I know that if I told you this it will hurt you bad.. You are awesome, you R a hard ass worker and you will do anything for me but I just am not in love.. I don't want sex anymore, and its cause of the meds I am on ...
You know this and you continue to beg.. And just like other men in the world if you don't get your way you stomp down the hallway and mumble shit under your breath .. You act like a mama's boy and I hate your bitch of a mother.. Sorry just the way I feel after the rumors she spread about me....
I want to leave you .. I am stupid cause you do love me completely.. But I LIKE BEING ALONE... I love my house and yea I get bored but I would much rather have my house then have to cook everyday, and clean everyday.....
I apologize for all this but I am gonna get the nerve up and I am gonna leave.. All them years down the drain.. Sorry.. I need happiness. And that is not another man , hell no ..!! Men are assholes.. Every last one of them....
Sorry if the truth hurts.................

Confession #1724

I'm number 1515.

You are my husband and I love you. We still fight like cats and dogs, But it's getting better.
Two months ago we sat through one session with a counselor. When you got up and left I figured it was over. Even the counselor told me to leave you. When you found out she said that, you reevaluated everything and realized that, yes, you have a big problem. I was so relieved in that moment, finally, you realized it was not all my fault. Since then, you have been so much better.


I still have not been able to get over those magazines. Everyone tells me that it has nothing to do with me, that those magazines can't talk back and that's why you have them. Everything goes along swimmingly, but whenever I realize that you still have them, a rage builds in me, and I frighten even myself with how upset I get. I'm trying to get over it. It's hard.

I'm trying. So are you. I know it's hard. Please keep trying.

Confession #1725

I've always wanted to tell you what a whore the women in your family are. You think the world of your conniving sisters, and drug addicted mother but they are all whores. Your youngest sister screwed her current boyfriend hours after she met him, and though they have only been dating 4 months she has already given him two STD's. Your mother is using drugs once again, and will continue to because, just like when you were growing up DRUGS COME FIRST IN HER LIFE!! Oh and lets not forget all the men she has been with while her sick husband stays home to rot in his own self pity. Your younger sister is about the ugliest thing walking this earth (regardless of her popular belief), that's probably why she'll screw anyone who smiles at her. Yet me being your faithful, drop dead gorgeous wife of 5 years is mistreated and constantly harassed by you to change my attitude. While you bow at your sisters, and mother's feet. If you only knew the men who gawk at me every single day. if you only knew, how many times I have considered cheating on you. If you only knew that my bad attitude is your fault! I smile and play nice with all your family, just as I always have but if you only knew the outright disgust I have for them. I'm disgusted because you allow these despicable pieces of crap to walk all over you.I'm disgusted because you have this naive thought process that your best interest is there concern. I'm disgusted because they are fake, dirty, crack addicted, whores with nothing to show for in life but the fact that you my dear will always allow them to use and abuse you. Don't feel so bad though, because you are surely not a victim. You put me down, and act as if I am a problem. We both know the truth don't we dear? You can't tell your family what pieces of shit they are so how else do you get rid of your frustrations? I think I'll divorce you soon... actually I'm sure I will.

Confession #1726

I love my husband and would never leave him, but I have been sleeping with
his best friend for about a month now and can't stop. I wasn't raised to be
this way and I can't stand myself for doing it, but physically he is
everything that my husband is not. What can I do?

Confession #1727

I just wish one week would go by when you wouldn't blow a bunch of
money on useless stuff. Sure, the stuff itself cluttering up my house
bothers me, but I'd also like to see you go into your 30s not still
being supported by your parents and lying about it to me.

Confession #1728

Remember when the pipe under the kitchen sink got a hole in it and Drano laced water ran out all over the floor?

Yeah, that was me. I was sick of trying to clear that pipe and I stuck a wire coat hanger down there. I didn't know a wire coat hanger would poke a hole through a copper pipe.

Confession #1729

Why can't you laugh with me the same as you laugh with her? I'm your wife, she's just your friend. Laugh with me and not at me. It would make me want to laugh again too.

Confession #1730

To the "almost" other woman:

He still claims that you are innocent, you were just a friend. Someone who listened and understood. I, however, know better.

The day that you guys started texting and talking you knew he was doing it behind my back. You knew he was lying to me and keeping it from me. You asked him after flirting with each other via text all day if he has ever thought of having an affair. Tell me there wasn't an ulterior motive there.

Since the day he started this job I have had a very bad feeling about you. Now I know that I am right in feeling that way. There have been too many instances where you have caused problems for the men that you have worked with, and no my husband is another victim.

Do I think he is innocent? No, because when you asked him he answered with an honest yes. He claims that you have no idea it was you that he was considering it with, but I am not so sure. You tried to convince him to leave me, you tried to make him believe I was a horrible bitch, all the while making your husband seem like a horrible dick.

But you lost, he chose me. He wanted me to find out, he wanted me to see the phone bill with the outrageous texting, he wanted me to save him from himself. And I did. And now we are stronger than ever. I might have thought you to be innocent except when I called to talk to you, you were such a raging bitch to me, that I just can't believe it. But it doesn't matter, he loves me, he will always love me, and you can't fucking have him!!!! You tried to text him yesterday, he never responded, and he won't. He wants nothing to do with you ever again. I think in the back of his head he knows that you are a tramp who probably was trying to break up our marriage. But you won't, you can't play on his weakness anymore. Let's face it, you never cared, you just wanted him because he is such a great guy and loves with so much of himself and your husband is about to leave your sorry ass.

To my husband:

I am still hurt, still angry at times, and sometimes I want to throw up when I think of the past week. However, you and I are stronger than ever, and for the first time in I don't know how long I feel secure in our marriage, I don't feel depressed, and I feel loved again. I love you and I need you. I am glad we are working through this! I am glad you finally know just how much I love you and need you, and I am glad I finally know as well!! Here's to new beginnings, I love you!!

Monday, April 02, 2007

True Wife Confessions 172 bittersweet chocolate drops

Confession #1711

Why is marriage so fucking hard? How can hate this man so much when he's the person I love most in the world? I know that I don't really hate him - I'm just really frustrated because we're fighting right now. But I swear, sometimes I could divorce him and walk away happily. Sometimes I think back to being single, living on my own with just a cat and my books for company. Now I have a husband and two kids from whom I can't escape. 99% of the time, I love them with everything in me, but some days I wish I could just run away.

Confession #1712

I heard through the grapevine that you are engaged to be married. I think I know who to, though I don't know her. And for a split second I thought- that could have been me.

Although I'm glad it's not me, I sometimes think back with rare fondness on the time that we were together. Because although I don't and didn't love you, I do miss you and the times we had together. I think that's an important distinction to make. In the end, I couldn't make myself love you and it was better to leave. You took care of me so well and I know you will take care of her. I hope she will take care of you too.

Do you know, one of the things I miss is looking after you. Not because you needed looking after but just because you were so appreciative of it.

One of the things I am most sad about is that I never got to speak to your parents again. I want to tell them how much I miss them and how thankful I am that for those years we were together they accepted me as part of the family in the hope that I would be one day. I wish I could have been, but I didn't love you. How could I do that to you?

The most traumatic part of breaking up with you was when you asked me, do you love me, and I had to say- I don't even know what that means any more. That, of all things, still makes me cry. Not losing you- because I knew I would have to, but breaking your heart. I still feel guilty about that, and hearing that you have found someone else actually goes a long way towards assuaging that guilt. It makes me feel that perhaps I didn't ruin your life after all.

Do you know, I have no idea why I didn't love you. I don't expect you to ever understand (I still don't), but that's OK. I'm glad that you are going to be married to someone else, and I wish you all happiness.

Confession #1713

I have never told anyone this... my mother is mentally ill and that
is why I cannot have a relationship with her. I begged her for years
to seek help and it just brought more abuse on me. She has major
substance abuse issues and treated me horribly growing up. As an
only child of a single mother, without her I feel alone in this
world, but keeping her in my life would invite terrible things into
our lives and possibly harm our children. It's been six years with
no contact and they have been the most stable of my life. There is a
world of judgement to be placed on me for keeping her shut out, but
every time my daughter shares a moment with me- I think about how as
a child my mother was too fucked up to ever engage me that way. I
know you would understand, but I don't want to share this secret. I
don't want pity and I feel like it would overshadow everything about
me. It's selfish and if there was something I could do to help her
get well, at this point, I am not sure I would do it. I am ashamed
of myself for that also.

Confession #1714

I love you. You have been the best, most constant person in my life for more than ten years. You have been the man that all my girlfriends wish they could find. I've always loved that about you. You are a hard worker and you have integrity, grit and a huge sense of honor. I'm so proud of all your accomplishments at work and school. Your grades impress me tremendously and you are so good at your job. You couldn't be a better father. You can reach our son on a parental level as well as a fun, childlike level. He adores you. We both do.

That's why I'm so mystified at the turn our marriage has taken. Once we became pregnant with our second child you've become more distant to me. So distant that I thought that you were considering being unfaithful or hiding something to do with our finances. I was terrified because I didn't want such a thing to happen to us. I know you are probably stressed, just as I am but I really wish you would talk to me about it instead of withdrawing. Also, you became short with me on the phone and that doesn't usually happen unless we are arguing about something. I was shocked. I want our old relationship back. The one where we teased each other and cuddled and talked all the time and snuggled in bed. You used to kiss and nuzzle me when you left for work. Now you just get up, get dressed and walk out the door. The most I get is "I'm leaving, see you later." I'm not trying to attack you, I just miss the sweetness and love you used to show all the time. Our sex life is still great, and I'm glad for that. I just don't want that to end up being the only affection we share. I want to go back to the random expressions of love and desire that made me feel priceless.

I know we both have a lot to worry about just now, and I know that you are working hard and trying to put our finances in the best position they can be, and I appreciate every bit of effort you put into it. You are a wonderful man, husband, father, and provider.

I just miss you terribly.

Your Loving Wife

Confession #1715

You must not take me seriously. Your friggin out again and not home in the amount of time we agreed upon. I mean seriously we have a 3 month old and you choose time and time again to leave us and go out. You know you ask to go out with your friends to play in those fucking white trash pool tournaments where are you do is lose your ass and drink because your a wanna be. You guilt me into "letting" you go,because if I don't you throw a fit around the house and tell your friends your wife wont "let" you. Honey I don't let you do anything, your a grown man make your own decisions, but mark my word you will deal with the repercussions of me. Then you don't even come home when you say you are going to and might i add you idiot we have this same fucking conversation each fucking week. But apparently you need to get out, and if not you stomp thru the house like a two year old and slam cabinets and mumble under your breath, so of course I say go because honestly its WAY easier when your not here. But for christ sakes, don't you think since I am up at 5am with your son entertaining him, and feeding him and changing him and loving him all day that by the time your stupid ass calls at 11pm that I might want a fucking break. Then you tell me I can either stop bitching or you will turn your phone off and stay out. Are you fucking serious your threating me, like your God, like you have some pull. How would you like me to scrub my ass with your toothbrush or put a little breast milk in your coffee, see I wont threaten you I will just do it.
Take your fucking tantrums, your fucking pool friends, your " only 2 beers" bullshit and shove it up your ass or you will be sorry.

Confession #1716

Every time you feign ignorance about how much I
want another baby, it makes me resent you just a
little bit more. Please stop.

Confession #1717

Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself with all that I have to deal with regarding my insane family (They put most stories on Jerry Springer to shame.) I wonder how one person could be expected to deal with all of it, and I think that it's not fair--that I don't deserve all of the drama. But one look at you reminds me how grateful I am that we don't always get exactly what we deserve in life--because I could never deserve you. You're wonderful, and I'm going to remember to tell you that more often.

Confession #1718

In the middle of the night last night, I woke up to find us holding hands. You still make me feel safe after all these years.

Confession #1719

Remember that date night recently when we sat at a dimly lit table in the corner at Starbucks after dinner and you stuck your hand up my skirt and we kissed and groped each other until we couldn't stand it anymore? Remember how we left there in a feverish rush to devour each other in our big, wonderful bed? Remember how we made love on and off all night long and into the morning? Then, the next day it was back to the business of taking care of our children and doing things around the house all the while exchanging knowing glances and Cheshire cat grins?

I love date night.

Confession #1720


We’ve had a great sex life in our 6 years of marriage.
But how I ever regret asking with you to share your
deepest fantasies with me last Saturday! You know
that I was always creeped out by the fact that you had
a death mask made of your first beloved wife. Yet I
admired your love for her and that made me fall in
love with you more. But I’m sick that I unleashed
your fantasy of wanting me to wear your wife’s death
mask while we make love. I know you said you never
would have thought of asking otherwise and that you
don’t really expect me to do it. It’s just the
thought that you fantasized about this that I can’t
get past. That’s why I haven’t been able to have you
touch me and I look for any excuse not to have sex. I
hope this fades soon or I don’t know how I’ll ever be
able to enjoy sex with you ever again. I don’t know
what to do.