Monday, February 18, 2008

True Wife Confessions 238 - The year the Goths crossed the Danube

Confession #2371

i have confessed a few times about you on here. It seems like every time i think that you have changed, you turn around and do something shitty. I told you how your lack of affection makes me feel, and you tell me to deal with it. it is who you are. Well guess what? It's not who i am! I have spent far to much time changing for you, adapting to your weird way of life. It isn't normal to never kiss!!! It isn't normal to not want sex. but its ok if I ride you and do all the work, or blow you, you lazy son of a bitch. I cant take it anymore! I need to kiss! I need affection, I need love, I need reassurance that my guy loves me, finds me sexy, beautiful, cute, ANYTHING! I know that I am pretty, so I know it isn't me. You for some reason think that affection, and attention to the one you love makes you a pussy. You're wrong baby. A REAL man loves his women, physically, verbally, emotionally...they don't just 'think it' like you say you do. So i am basically fed up with it. And I met a man at work today. A sexy, hot, big tall man. He is well traveled, speaks Italian, He's like 6'3, muscular but not freakish like a body builder, he has the most beautiful mocha colored skin that i have ever seen, and the biggest sexiest dimples. I want to kiss his sexy mouth, I want to fuck him. He was giving a presentation today and all I could think about was how much I wanted him to grab me, throw me up against a wall and fuck the shit out of me. I was thinking about all the nasty, dirty, make-me-blush things that I want him to do to me. I know cheating is bad. I know I should break up with you, but the truth is, I do love you. But I am starved for affection. I am torn. I know what I need, but I do love you so much. I have never cheated in my life. Not even a kiss. But after so long, so long of feeling so insecure and un wanted...I am really considering it. I want someone to work to get my love and affection. I want someone to want me to love them. You seem ambivalent. I need passion, not ambivalence.

Confession #2372

I hate that the only time you are kind to me is when you are afraid I might leave you. I hate that our marriage has come to this. I waited for you for so very long and there came a day when I just couldn't wait for you to love me - for you to SAY you loved me...for you to KISS me, for you to seem interested in anything I had to say. I emotionally left you two years ago when you got angry at me and grabbed my arm. That one moment killed our marriage. You made me afraid of you and I can't love someone that I have felt afraid of. My fear has kept me here. But it is fading, and I think you can feel that I am not so afraid anymore.

Confession #2373


When all of this is done, it won't be because you were cruel (though more and more often you are), it will be because you are thoughtless. It will be because the hamper is two feet from you and your socks are on the floor. It will be because you haven't emptied the trash in ten years. It will be because you never think of me when you're at the store. It will be because you never notice that we are out of milk. It will be because you can not seem to get it through your head that I hate ketchup. It will be because I call your mother.

It will be because I am tired of never have a dry towel, or a hot meal, or the chance to watch a show that only I enjoy. It will be because I am tired of hearing that all women are whores. It will be because you always, always are more concerned with taking your friends with us and seeming like the good-time guy than if I want to go there or do that. It will be because you have stopped caring about being 'nice' because 'nice people are weak'. It will be because you think it is okay to call me names when we fight. It will be because you think all of this is '(my) problem'.

It will be because I am tired.

Confession #2374

You are a wonderful husband and an even better father. I truly believe that we are meant to be together. We never fight. You let me have my social life while you stay home with our son. We are the couple that all of our friends strive to be, and so many of them have told us that. However, I do almost all of the cooking and the dishes afterwards. Sometimes I ask you to do the dishes for me, and you agree to but don't do them that night, and possibly not the next day either. You know what that means? That means that when I end up doing them anyway, there are twice as many. It's valentines day and I know I didn't do much for you and our son, and I know that you had a beautiful plan for a gift and it didn't work out, and I also know that you just spent alot of money on something we are doing in a couple weeks, but for gods sake send your wife some flowers!!! Not because it's valentines day, but because I am a full time employee, wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, lover and friend. I deserve some damned flowers!!! So tonight I will be going home and cleaning the dishes in the sink that you told me you would do last night and didn't, just so I can have clean dishes to cook dinner tonight. I really really hope you call me today and suggest that we either go out to dinner, which I would prefer not to do on valentines day what with rushes and crowds, or possibly suggest picking something up for dinner and bringing it home. God bless your soul if i have to do dishes, then cook, then do dishes again on valentines day after not getting any flowers.

Confession #2375

Dear Boyfriend,

I suck. I ruined Valentine's day. I repeatedly stated to you that "all I wanted was a card and flowers." But when you got me a card and flowers. I was pissed. I really wanted more. And you totally would have done more, if I hadn't explicitly stated not to. (I don't know why I did this. I am a girl. It's what I do. Crazy things.) And then I ruined dinner because I was all sorts of pissed off. And then I got home and started crying. You hate seeing me cry. So then you think it's your fault. But it wasn't. And I tried to tell you, but every time I did I cried more. And then you felt even worse. I finally calmed down. Got out my apology and you really believed me, and accepted it. Then you told me that you loved me. And that you are saving money now to buy me a ring. And that made me so happy. I sucked last night and I'm so sorry. I honestly love you and take your time saving money. Cause I don't deserve a ring just yet. But soon. I will be worth all the trouble I promise.

Your sucky girlfriend, but I'll be a better wife.

Confession #2376

I went out yesterday and bought your favorite candy and a card that I felt expressed my emotion for you. I also picked up some candy and a card for each of our girls. When you saw the items this morning, you asked me if I picked up some for myself. Excuse me, but that does not cut it, buddy! Why do you continue to ask stupid questions such as that??? I thought it was a nice gesture and recognition of Valentine's Day. Oh well, it wasn't like I expected a gift in return, after all its the thought that counts and I was thinking of you!

Maybe one day you will realize what you are screwing up! After all, I have stood by you for 17 years of marriage. When we got married I told you there were three things that would guarantee a divorce - 1) If you ever cheated on me; 2) If you ever hit me; and 3) If you ever drank to the point of becoming an alcoholic. Guess what, you are an alcoholic. I work everyday and come home. You have something to eat everyday whether you like the food or not and our kids are well cared for. Granted the house may not be spotless, but at least its livable. What do you do everyday? You come in from work and spend the entire evening in your shop drinking and talking to your buddies if they come by....then come into the house at 10:00pm hungry, complaining about the food if its take-out and complaining about the housework. I am NOT your maid. I am NOT your cook. I do these things because I Love You. You can't even stand up straight half the time. Then you ramble on about things I do wrong, the kids do wrong, or the state of the union. You never seem to care about me or kids, only about what we are doing for you!

I love you, but, I hate you. Why can't I accept what I have instead of hoping for things to get better. I wish you would not drink so much. I can get by with an occasional drink (once a month, usually) Why can't you stop the self-destruction because you are starting to destruct the family also.

I want so much more than what we have now. Because of your excessive drinking we no longer have sex as often as you like. At night you are too drunk to keep an erection or you fumble around like a teenager. Then, after sleeping off the drunk you decide that you want to wake me up for sex by dry humping my ass or playing with my breast. Sorry, but being woke up from a deep sleep by that is not the way to get sex from me. I don't mind snuggling and slowly moving to sex, if I am allowed to wake up first. Half the time I pretend to be still asleep. You get mad and pout if you don't get sex when you want it. However, I am expected to spread the legs anytime you want me to, no matter how I feel. By the way, sex is a two way street. It should not be all about you, all the time. Guess what, I fake every orgasm. You don't even know where my clitoris is. You think foreplay is a quick feel before penetration. Sorry! its not all about penetration! And by the way, you say you are watching in the mirror during sex, yeah right!, you are watching TV. Why would you need to see it in the mirror when you can see it right there. I guess you are so vain and caught up in yourself that you need to watch yourself during sex.

I have bitched enough for one day. I hope you can wake up, sober up, and realize what you are losing.....



Confession #2377

Dear Husband,
Today was the perfect Valentine's Day. A friend of mine pointed out that the day has almost lost its meaning, what with all the hype surrounding it. And I didn't realize how right she was until today when it was just about you and I enjoying being together! You pampered me, you showed me you love me, and hopefully you felt and saw how much I love you as well. It was a love holiday, and it was a perfect day. Thank you.
Your Wife
P.S. There are hard times ahead. But you will always be my first priority, and I will always do everything I can to support you in any way you need.

Confession #2378

I wrote you very long ago back in March 07 (#1631) and you posted my confession. I was married to a verbally abusive man, was miserable, terrified to try and live on my own and yearned to be with my girlfriend. I got a lot of support and advise from your readers.

I just wanted to let you know that I left that man in May and moved back to St. Louis to be with my girlfriend - we have been living together happily ever since and are house hunting now.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my adult life.

To my girlfriend: pet you are an incredible, passionate, loving, accepting and tolerant person I have ever have the pleasure of knowing and I hope with each day that passes I prove a little more that you are my everything.

Confession #2379

To the person I work with - for the love of god get some new shoes! Who wears open toed sandals with BLACK nylons in the Winter in the snow? And it isn't as if you just wear these horrid shoes every once in a blue moon - No. You wear them EVERY DAMN DAY. Same black open toed sandal wedges and I can only hope those are different black nylons. I am gripped with the urge to wrestle you to the ground, rip these accursed shoes from your feet and set them on fire. You make good money - I know you do, so it isn't as if you are choosing between shoes and a loaf of bread.

And the sweater with the fur ball pom-poms? Not cool for a woman of your age. Not even cool for a woman of any age.

Confession #2380

Valentines Day: 11 years ago I stepped out of my 'comfort zone' and gave you a card telling you I liked you. Today you wrapped your arms around me, told me you loved me and gave me a freddo you had saved just for me. I am sooooooo glad I gave you that card :)

I love you darling.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

True Wife Confessions 237 reasons why humans have sex

Confession #2361

Dear Husband

We had the happiest marriage for lots of years. We were the envy of all our friends. Two great kids, no money worries. Then something shifted. The kids got older, you got more bitter and twisted and suddenly we were at this crossroads. I wouldn't fight back most of the time because of the kids and because I was getting older and couldn't stand the hassle. Then you stopped speaking to me for months and months over something so inconsequental. I heard you on the phone saying "I hate her with a vengeance". Something inside me died. All those years and you were reduced to that. Talking to some stranger about the mother of your children. Your wife of 27years.

I asked you to leave during this time on many occasions because the atmosphere was so bad and you finally did whilst I was away on a trip in early December. You left without telling the children and just moved out, taking only a few things. For the first time in my life I faced sleeping in a house alone all night. I faced the first Christmas without you in 30 years. I faced the first New Years without you for 30 years. Another piece of me died and it sent me over the edge. I haven't been to work since. Just cannot face the questions.

I just wanted to know...WHY? Why did you throw me aside like an old shoe? I know there is no one else, so for the love of God...WHY?

I want you to know that I will get past this and come out the other side. There will be sunshine after the rain for me but I would never have done this to you and I feel so very damaged over all I have been through these past 6 months.

Your wife.

Confession #2362

To be honest with you, I don't give a rat's ass about
Valentine's Day. I've been disappointed so many times
in the past that I just want to bypass that day.

That said, I'm baking brownies for my on and off
boyfriend and I got a card for him. And he better have
gotten me a card too at least. Yet I hate this
holiday. Go figure!

Confession #2363

Dear Sugar Butt,

I love when we have anal sex anytime my body can handle it. That is my favorite orgasm ever! But sometimes, I beg for it and force myself to deal with the pain. I do this when I am constipated and need a little "push"!

Like last night.... It sooooooooo took care of the problem and I thank you for it! I will never tell you that I do this!

Confession #2364

Dear Boyfriend,

You are the greatest gift in my life. You provide me with a sense of stability and composure when everything else is not going my way. You remind me that I'm loved. You deal with all my silly quirks. You know my family, and are still afraid of my dad. You have some habits that really annoy me, but honestly, I feel like I would be the more annoying of the two of us.

You and I have yet to have a fight. It been almost five years. It's my biggest fear that we will get into a big fight and get angry and end it all. I don't know what I would do. You are my very best friend. I love you so much.

I know that we are still young. I don't want to rush this time that we have before we are married, and I love that you are willing to talk to me about marriage without getting flighty. You are the perfect man.

I love you.

Your Girlfriend

Confession #2365

I had an affair with a man whom I knew was married but separated. My husband and I were separated also and as the affair and that part of my life grew I found myself so much in love with this man. I felt like I could of given everything up and would of done anything to protect him and his career. He had a son who's mother could of cared less for and I felt like I had a new family. It soon turned very sour because of the issues we both brought into the relationship. He had traumas from the war in Iraq and I wanted to save him make his life better because we were both working together. Our relationship got unhealthier as time went on and it soon came to an end. I was so hurt because I felt like I wasn't good enough because of the low self esteem I let him give me. After our relationship was over I started therapy and I started going to a psychiatrist and I felt a little better but nothing made me feel better than to turn him into his command for adultery and I'm hoping that he will get discharged dishonorably and hopefully he will lose everything including the shirt on his back because of the amount of debt he was already in before he met me. I think that my vengeance on him is the sweetest and I hope he rots in hell for how he made me feel, how much he used me and for every other girl he would rather have sex with other than me.

bitter sweet

Confession #2366

I know she broke your heart, and that part of you will never be the same, but the life we have together now is good. There was a time I was so afraid you'd never be able to see it, but I think we've turned that corner, and we seem to be looking toward the future.
My parents have been married 40 years, and my mom's only advice is "marry your best friend." Though I may never be willing to take that step again (and bless you, you seem to understand that and are ok about it), I think it applies equally to a partnership without the paperwork.

This is the best relationship I've been in, in my entire adult life. Maybe that sounds crazy, because I think we are both aware that we don't seem to have that "love of my life" thing going on, but you know what, if this is it, that's good with me. It really is the little things-- your insistence on driving me to the airport and picking me up, carrying the groceries for me, helping me wrangle the dogs. You compliment my cooking, even when it's bad, you tell me I'm pretty, and you thank me for taking care of you. You love my crazy family, and don't complain about how much time I spend with them, even through I know it must be hard for you to understand. You make me laugh. You help me work through my bullshit that I have leftover from my marriage, even though I know it hurts to heat sometimes. Right now you are sitting there trying to fix the damn tv, again, because you know I can't cope with electronics for the life of me.

Maybe we're not crazy passionate about each other, but we are friends first, and that means so much to me.

It's adorable how you are so excited about taking me home to meet your mom. I can't wait to have six days away with you, where we don't have any of the jobs, or the house, or any of the stressful day to day stuff to worry about.

Thank you for making me so happy, and showing me that it's not impossible to heal and start over. Someday I will find the words to tell you how much I love you.

Confession #2367

I tried to be a good wife.... but you really hurt me. In 2004 I started fucking him and now I can't stop. YOU deserve it!!!! You walk around as if you are the best has ever happened to me. Guess what??? you're not. We are still married because of the kids. His dick fills me up..... whenever you see me smile, it's because of him!!!!!!

Confession #2368

We have wonderful children but sometimes I miss what our relationship was like before having them. I miss us. We never do anything together anymore because a) we can't afford it, all our money goes to daycare and diapers and b) spending time together means we have to beg your parents to watch the kids and I hate groveling to your mother.

Confession #2369

I found your secret email account several months ago. Your girlfriend does look cute but guess what my dear. I have found someone too. Oh he doesn't make as much money as you but he is here when I need him which is most of the time. And when I got dressed up last Saturday, no it wasn't to go shooping with Denise. I went out with him. We went to the city and spent the day making love in our condo. I think we'll do it more often since he is such a great lover. Unlike you. And by the way thanks for watching the kids that day. Oh and Honey please do work a little harder so we can buy my new lover some more cute gifts.

Confession #2370

Honey, I love that once a week you help out by making breakfast. It is
very nice to have bacon and eggs on the weekend. But...(you knew there
was a but) For the love of God could you not take 90 minutes to cook the
bacon? And then have it be all rubbery? The eggs? Not so good when
you just crack them into the bacon grease and let them fry.

I do love you.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

True Wife Confessions 236 Fruit Nectar Amendment

Confession #2351

Dear Husband,

When I tell you I'm too exhausted for sex, and you say, "It's okay, I understand. Tomorrow night, then" that doesn't mean you should then grope me for hours when we get to bed.

So now I'm supposed to remain functional until 11:00pm on less than four hours of sleep?

Honey. I am a wife. And a mom. And a full-time employee outside of the home. Is it too much to ask to get 6 hours of sleep without being groped, massaged, and grinded on? My ass does not exist for your amusement.


Your Very Tired Wife

Confession #2352

Sometimes I'm angry because there are a lot of men who'd love to have a kinky woman who'd try anything except fire, knives, children, or animals.

Mostly I'm just really sad because you don't even want me for any kind of sex at all. I know you love me. There's lots of cuddling. But you haven't wanted sex with me since we were married 16 months ago.

I knew your sex drive wasn't as high as mine, but I didn't know we wouldn't do it at ALL.

How many marriages are like mine?

Confession #2353

I am planning to get pregnant later this year. I want to have
another baby, but refusing to have a baby is the only "power" I have
over you right now. So here's the deal: if you lose 50 pounds by
August, I will have unprotected sex with you. If you lose another 50
pounds while I am pregnant, I will let you into the delivery
room. Of course, you've already said you'll be working all of
June/July/August, so I'm not sure when we could get pregnant. Also,
if you want a baby, I get a trip to Europe. I may have to go without
you. After the baby is born, I will stay home for a year, during
which time you will not complain about my housekeeping or my not
bringing money in. You say you want our kids to have a full time
parent, but then you want me to make more money. I can't do both. I
worked night shifts for a year and napped when the baby did so I was
bringing in money and being a full time parent. When the baby gave
up naps, I had to give up, too. You will give up role playing games,
like you said you were going to, but haven't yet and in fact have
started up a new game.
Lest I sound entitled, we had these agreements before we got
married. He makes more money than I do, so him staying home isn't an
option. We would be in debt forever paying off his student loans on
my salary. I feel bad even thinking of using a pregnancy as a
bargaining chip, but I don't know what else to do. My gentle
suggestions, cooking with less fat, buying lower-fat products, etc.
are all met with resistance. He sees them as personal attacks,
insults. I cook and eat lower fat products. The three year old eats
lower fat products. Broccoli does not have to have cheese on it
every time. Vegetables do not require butter. It is not necessary
to follow every recipe exactly. Cookbooks written before 1960 have
way too much butter in them.

Sorry, way long confession. I need sleep. And the toddler does not nap.

Confession #2354

You Bastard!! Did you really think I'd never figure out who "bulging_panties" is? Again you underestimate me. It's a freakin he-she and he's freaking ugly! What the hell is wrong with you? Aside from having no respect for me (obvious to a blind person) have you no respect for yourself? You may think you've fooled me, and the marriage therapist, but you're the fool.

Confession #2355

You know how sometimes when you tell me you love me I’ll say, “Really, really?” And you get upset because I’m questioning you.

Well, the way you talked to me tonight… That’s the reason I question your feelings for me. I greeted you at the door with a hug and kiss. I’ve been chipper over the phone. I’ve sent you photos. I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. And this conversation with our son’s teacher really was something I wanted to talk to you about. You could have, in a nice way, said “I’m tired but I promise we can talk about this tomorrow.” Instead, I got a “fuck off and leave me alone” attitude. And you even admitted you were doing that on purpose. How dare I try to talk to you about our son. OH yeah, I forgot. You don’t want to deal with him. You just want to keep a photo on your desk and talk about him to coworkers, clients, and female seatmates on your flights – so they think you are father of the year. What a fucking JOKE!

I HAD felt closer to you this past week than I had in a long time. It WAS nice to feel like we are a team again. It was nice to feel that maybe our marriage wasn’t so empty afterall.

If you ever wonder WHY I question your feelings for me, THIS example is why. Why do you think its ok to talk to me like that? I usually don’t say anything but “sorry” to you when you go off of me. I grovel because that’s what you want. And I don’t want a fight. Because you say some really nasty things when we fight. But, you’ve got to realize that this sort of thing really eats at the love I feel for you. In fact, its all gone. I was able to muster up some tender feelings for you this past week because you did the laundry. (How sad. You do some laundry and I’m ready to fall in love with you all over again.) But trust me…. Those tender feelings are GONE now!

OH I only came into the bedroom and laid in bed for awhile because I figured you were having sex with your favorite person – YOURSELF. I’ll be damned if you’re gonna be an asshole then, get off AND get jizz all over the bedspread I just washed.

Confession #2356

You asked me today what kind of wedding we will have one day. I smiled at you and told you that I didn't care. And I don't. I had the big wedding. The big show to prove that I was worthy of being a wife, that I had been deemed good enough to be get somebody to propose to me. I don't need that again. I just want you. I want the quiet space after we make love - or the laughing that we dissolve into when one of us makes a joke that no one else would find funny. I don't need to prove anything to anyone anymore.

Confession #2357

We're not married. Not even close, but you're still driving me crazy.
Actually, it's not even you, per se.
I love living with you, talking to you, being around you.
You love your family and your job, you've got a great attitude toward life, which I'm very thankful for.
I just can't stand some of the people that you work with!!
You knew this and didn't seem to care, not taking my feelings into consideration whatsoever when deciding to work with these people! The really awful thing is that I think you're planning on working with these people for the rest of your career! I think the world of you, but I don't know if I can deal with them...
I really don't want to turn this into a fight, since it's so silly. I just wish you'd think before you do these kinds of things because it makes me feel like I'm second-rate in your life

Confession #2358

I will never tell you that I secretly want to vote for Hillary Clinton. I especially would never tell our ultra conservative families who think Mike Huckabee hung the moon and will be the only candidate who can keep this nation from burning in hell. I'm so glad voting is confidential ;)

Confession #2359

Sometimes I believe you are insane. When I got home from work, you were in a terrible mood. I waited for a bit and then inquired as to why you were storming around. "You know why", you said. But I didn't.

And then you accused me of throwing my birthday cake on the floor and leaving for work.

Huh? I wasn't sure I had heard you properly. My birthday cake? I looked at you and told you that I had no idea of what you were talking about. Apparently, when you got home - the cake was on the floor and you were sure that I had thrown it on the floor and run off to work - leaving it there for you to clean.

When I suggested that this was a ridiculous scenario, you stared at me. When I suggested that perhaps the cat had been on the table and knocked it over, you continued to stare at me.

What type of person throws their birthday cake on the kitchen floor as a premeditated act of sabotage - and what kind of person dreams this up as a plausible rationale for the cake being on the floor?

Confession #2360

I’ve started doing something different every time you piss me off. Now adays, when you piss me off, I start cleaning out the closet. Nothing makes me feel better than to think about some old, crazy, smelly homeless man wearing one of your fairly expensive, favorite shirts. So I guess you could say that when you piss me off, you’re really doing some less fortunate soul a favor. Oh and guess what? I also rip apart a pic of you and me. I tear you off then use a fork to stab out the eyes. And then I scratch at your face with a scissors. Maybe that’s crazy. But after all of these years of putting up with you being an asshole whenever you feel like it (which is getting to be often) this is what is keeping me sane. When our son is much older (and his learning problems can be ironed-out and I no longer need your money to pay for his specialists) I am SO leaving your hairy, flat, flabby, ugly, stinky ass!

You make good money NOW, I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding someone else to put up with your outsides, (which are as ugly as your insides).

Monday, February 04, 2008

True Wife Confessions 235 Uranium

Confession #2341

So… tonight I went out with the girls. As usual. I had fun. But this time a friend brought along a guy friend of her’s who is single and has just moved into town. He was tall, broad shoulders, great skin, fit and had a great smile. And big hands. I was smitten. Over the course of the evening I did get to talk to him. I don’t know if he’s a good person or not but I can tell you that in the time we were all out, I repeatedly fantasized about what it would be like to fuck him senseless. I’m pretty sure his pecker is MUCH bigger than yours. Course most men’s are.

He’s taller than you. Far more attractive. He looks like he takes care of himself. His teeth are beautiful. Yours are disgusting because you never brush them. Unlike you he hasn’t gotten lazy appearance-wise. I’m pretty sure he would have a bigger “package”. I don’t know if he’s a nice person though. But I do know this – you are an arrogant, selfish jerk. For all of the pretty things you say, you sure don’t back it up with action.

The only thing I’m sure about is that you make more money than he does. That’s what was funny. I was painfully aware that if I would have left you even 6 months ago, I wouldn’t have met him tonight. I fantasized about the hot sex and running off with him. But I also know the reality of the situation. He could be a world-class asshole. He could disappointment far more than you already have. I could run off with him, only to find myself in a shittier situation.

I want to love you so badly. I want to FEEL love for you. I want that with all my heart. But over the years you have ruined that. You’ve gotten lazy. You are emotionally stingy. I have told you my hopes, fears and dreams and you’ve used them against me time and again. I am with you. I am faithful. I will remain faithful but not out of love. I remain faithful because I know what side my bread is buttered on, so to speak. You make very good money. I grew up poor. I know what it is like to struggle for everything. You can and do provide a life for myself and our child I would have never dreamed possible. You provide opportunities for us. Besides, I LOVE my life. The only part lacking is with you. You’re not abusive. And when I let you come and go as you please, (and keep the house spotless) you seem pleasant to be around. Not loving, but pleasant.

That sounds horrible, but I’ll take it. I know that where we live, I couldn’t provide for our son without you. SO I stay. I stay so I can volunteer at school, see my friends and keep writing. I also stay out of a sense of duty as well as fear. I stay because I know that no one’s life is perfect. And honestly, I value stability more than infatuation or great sex.

I think you know this. You have made it clear that you stay out of a sense of duty. Or at least that’s what you said during our last fight. But you did hit the nail on the head when you mentioned you think I stay out of fear. I do. But I think you stay because you realize no other woman would put up with your shit. You’d have to actually put effort into a relationship. You stay because you know I wouldn’t stray. You don’t want drama of dating and handling someone else’s baggage. Course, neither do I.

But it is lonely. Oh, tonight a guy came up to me and complimented me on how my jeans fit. He wasn’t attractive. But he was 25 and clearly thinking I was close to his age. Another man, as he maneuvered past me, touched my waist. God, it was great to feel someone touch my waist in that very light way. Even if it was to guide me out of the way. When big ole man hands lightly touch my waist, I feel petite and like a woman. Kind of reminded me that I’m not just someone’s taken for granted wife and a mother. Reminded me that I’m a PERSON. You haven’t touched my waist in a long time. When we have sex you just go for “the box.” Its as if I’m having sex with a fumbling, virginal teenage boy every time we have sex. You know… There ARE other parts to me. Course that is, when you actually DO have sex with me…

But seeing this guy and connecting with him in a very basic way (we realize we have a few things in common) made me really miss feeling connected. Made me miss what you and I used to have. Made me miss the high I used to get when we were first dating and when you actually used to view me as a WOMAN.

Confession #2342

The phrase "I need some booty" is not foreplay. Step your game up - PLEASE.

Confession #2343

I think you are capable of more than you have become. But you are somehow satisfied to stay at the same level you are now.

Confession #2344

I've started drinking in the afternoons -- not much,
just a coffee cup or so of wine while the kids do
their homework. Mixed with a juice box.

So here's the thing -- I'm like wallpaper to you. You
don't notice me, don't talk to me, don't ask me about
my day. I bought a new sweater to see if you noticed.
I had my hair done, worked out. Earned money. Bought
furniture. Wrote a fricking NOVEL. Knit a sweater.
And . . . nothing. You can't even PRETEND to take an
interest in anything remotely having to do with me.
Am I really that dull? Uninteresting?

You notice if I spend too much or if I ask you to do
something, go somewhere. If I ask you for help, like
if the car's broken. But you don't notice ME. I'm
just the chauffeur, the maid, the person who washes
your underwear and socks, who takes the cats to the
vet when they're sick.

SO here's the thing -- I wanted to see if you would
notice if I was drunk. Every night for a week. Once
I went a week without talking to you to see if you
noticed. You didn't. And so far you haven't noticed if
I'm drunk. (you do, however, notice if I gain weight.
or if we're out of milk.) What does THAT say about
our relationship? The next step if I'm getting a
tattoo. Let's see if you notice THAT.

Confession #2345

I am so tired of your sarcasm and ignorance. You think everything is always about you. It’s all you, all the time. And when I bring it to your attention – you act like I’m crazy. How much you love me, how nice you are to me, you treat me “like a queen”. Know what, that's besides the point...

When I bring up how much of a prick you are to your son it’s “I pay for everything for that kid, he’s a pussy, you aren’t helping”. Seriously? You’re calling your own son a pussy? He’s a mommas boy, maybe. Sorry buddy – so were you! E V E R Y one of your family members say so. You couldn’t even spend the night at someone elses house – you had to be at your moms! What’s that make you?

He is your son. He moved in a short while ago to get away from his prick of a step dad and now guess what? Now he can’t stand being around you either because you talk to him like he’s a retard. He’s a good kid. No he hasn’t worked since this past summer – SO WHAT? He’s going to school, drives almost an hour to get there. And honestly, I don’t want him working because that takes a chance of his grades dropping – he’ll graduate this year! Does he ask for money hand over fist? No. Does he ask for things that are ridiculous? No. Does he ask for money to go out and run around on? NO. Gas to get back and forth to school. Lunch money. You pay his car insurance. Get over it. I give him money too, just so we don’t have to hear it from you! When he first said he was moving in you were elated because you thought you’d be “rich” from not paying child support. Whoa - $76 a week made you a millionaire! Not. You give him maybe $40 a week in gas, $80 a month on insurance. That’s less than what you were paying out in a month for child support. What did you think? All that money would go in your pocket and he wouldn’t be an added expense? Dumbass. Of course he’s an added expense, it’s called being a parent. You don’t know how to do it. Which brings me to the next subject: my daughter is my problem, you made that perfectly clear 12 years ago. And my stupid ass has accepted it and lets you get away with being a nobody. Now we have a son, together, who could care less that you’re in the room. Why? Because you don’t show him any attention. You don’t know how. Hell, last year was the first time you had ever given him a bath. He’s 5!! So guess what? He’ll be a mommas boy too. And if you ever call him a pussy, I will knock your fucking teeth out.

You treat every one of us in this house like we’re stupid idiots who still drool down their chins and shit in their pants. Dude, you can barely function without some sort of direction – you can’t even decide what to make for dinner without turning it into some big ordeal. I don’t give a rats ass what you make – make it already and shut up. Do I want to watch that movie? I don’t care, you go ahead and decide what you want to see. Holy crap – sorry I made that suggestion – turn it into psycho drama why don’t you?

What’s worse – each of us are starting to do the same thing. I’ve noticed it about myself. Since you’ve been back, we’re all being sarcastic shit heads to one another; me to other people even at work. You’re changing all of us with your ignorant ways. It must stop.

Work on it, wake up and fix it, or get the fuck out. That’s what this is boiling down to, I’ve been at the point for a long time that I don’t care whether you come home at night. Don’t, ok. Do, whatever. That’s terrible! This is not normal!

I could go on and on and on but pretty soon you will be in here to see what I’m doing on the net, accuse me of talking to my “boyfriend”. Whatever, jackass. Keep accusing me. You’ve pushed me so far away – I’m actually thinking about doing it.

Confession #2346

I know our situation is difficult and at times unbearable, but I want to thank you for sticking with me through everything. Thank you for sticking up for me to her, even though I probably have no idea how many problems I've probably caused you and I probably don't deserve all of that. Thank you for understanding why I don't want to hang out with her. Thank you for helping me to grow and figure my life out in a time where it's all kind of blurry.

You are my best friend and regardless of our sexual history, I love you in that big all encompassing way.

I hope that she realizes what she has and starts making you happy because you deserve it with someone if it's not going to be me. I hope she realizes that I have a little bit more class than to do anything with you while you're with her and that I'm gonna be there for you until the day I die. I hope that you don't have too many days like this ever again.

Confession #2347

I never thought that I would be in this position. I've always thought of myself as being stronger then this, being smarter than this, being so much more than a stupid human.

When he and I were married, I was the cheated wife. It's kind of funny that you were one of those other women. Now, that you're the wife, I am the other woman. Moments like these make me believe the Goddess has a twisted sense of humour.

Since the day you two were married, I've been pushing him away. We may have fooled around while you were dating, but I wasn't going to mess with a marriage. Even amoral bitches like to believe that they have lines that even the damned will not cross. I managed for well over a year before I crumbled like the stupid twit I am. And damn it all, I don't think I will stop.

You were more than correct, when you called me a heartless, uncaring, unfeeling bitch so long ago. Hell, this time I've surprised myself. I don't feel a damn thing. I don't feel good. I don't feel bad. I have no feelings of guilt or shame. There is no pride, no justification. No clamoring of excuses to make this wrong feel right.

I'm the High Queen of Douchbaggery.

Confession #2348

After so long together for us to end on these circumstances. We've had so much fun together on our trips and things...I'll miss those days. Every time I think of what it would be like to sleep with another man, I panic. I panic thinking about the fact that I won't be looking at YOUR face.

How am I supposed to move on, when I'm so deep in love with you?

Confession #2349

Your Feet

Dear Husband,

Your FEET are not always your friend

and they really are not always mine

You have good shoes with natural inner soul things

and outer leather

But dear mother of all that is good and unsmelly

why or why do your feet reek?

The rest of you smells great

But your FEET

they bring tears to my eyes in the evenings

PLEASE PLEASE use the foot DEO spray stuff more

I don't care if we spent 5 euro a week on your feet

I will cut out 5 euro of what I spend on something else

the woman who married you and your questionable feet

Confession #2350

After waiting half my life for you to find me attractive - after trying to introduce play and toys into our sex life for years, trying to seduce you, I finally gave up. I stopped finding you attractive. I stopped wanting to have sex with you. Of course, this is the moment when you decide that you want to have sex again.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Change of Policy

I have enabled comment moderation. I understand that some people may not be happy with the change, but Oh Well.

I will decide if a comment is appropriate, and I will delete comments that I deem to be inappropriate. I don't deem it censorship, just as it is not violating free speech to not allow a person to yell "Fire" in a crowd.

The best democracies have good managers - and that is what I am here. The manager.

Friday, February 01, 2008

True Wife Confession 234 Unterseeboot

My apologies for the mashed up confessions - I was traveling on Thursday and clearly not attentive enough!

Confession #2331

I think I’ve got my husband convinced that having children is a terrible idea. Part of me feels awful and manipulative, because I don’t think he would have decided to be childless had I not filled his head with all of my doubts and worries, but a bigger part of me is so incredibly relieved I can’t even describe it. I think I’d be a lousy, selfish, angry mom, and I think our marriage is wonderful right now. I don’t want anything to change.

Confession #2332

You’re right, you will always disappoint me. You never hold me when I cry, or listen to my fears, or just show up because you know I need you. And you never will. I don’t know if that’s just the kind of guy you are, or if you just don’t care enough about me.

But what hurts even more? More than the lack of compassion? That you know I need and want those things, but you still won’t do them. You just get mad and upset when I ask for them, and say, “I always disappoint you”.

So that’s why I broke up with you last night. I miss you so much already, but my heart hurts so much more when I feel like you’re neglecting me. I can only hope I’ll find a man to care about me, and you find a It sucks to know that after 4 years "invested" in this relationship that I was never #1. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess it hurts to admit. You leaving me to take care of someone else gave me the courage I know I need to leave you. I just wish it wasn't so. Despite the fact that I know the best thing for me to do is move on, my heart hurts to know I HAVE to do it. I have never had so much joy, fun, laughter, pain and heartbreak all at once.

Confession #2333

Every day I wake up and think to myself “is this all there is? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?” and it makes me so sad. It feels like my life ended the day we go married. The fun and loving person I knew before is totally gone and there is this boring, uptight, bossy stranger in his place. Where did you go? Are you ever coming back?

Confession #2334

I don't know if you are aware of just how close I
came to leaving you. I am so thankful that you
gave in. Of all people I know how important it is
to compromise, but I couldn't this time. Not on
this issue. Thank you for having a change of
heart. It saved our marriage.

Confession #2335

You know, just once I'd like to tell you about something in my life and have you be actually interested. You freak about this fucking race every stupid year when it comes, and all you can think of is how you can get back down there for the next one. Well, you know what? If it's that big a damn deal, then go. And stay there. Because if that's the kind of life you want, I'm never going to fit in with you. It's not what I want. I don't want to spend my life watching people risk everything they have just to for the thrill of going really fast in a stupid circle. I want a real life, something to show for what I've done in my time here, someone to share my life with that will share with me also. And you say to me that you wanted me to be a part of that because it was a big part of your life. What about my life? What about my dreams and my needs, and beyond that, what about our daughter? That kind of thing isn't the place for her, and it's not a place for me either. It's not something I would have fun with, and it's just a place where Joey would be on your nerves, because when you were always there before, you could do whatever you wanted, you could run around with whoever you wanted. Don't you see that even if you went again and brought us it wouldn't be the same for you? There's a reason your dad never brings his wife and daughter with him, it's because they don't belong there, they wouldn't want to see it, and they most likely shouldn't see him the way he acts in places like that. Why would you want me to go? And to take Joey? Matter of fact, if you really loved us, why would you want to go to a place where you have that kind of past and those kinds of memories? I wish I could come to you and tell you all of this, tell you how I feel and what I'm thinking, but I know that it wouldn't do any good anyway, because you really don't want to hear it. You aren't interested if it's not all about you, are you? So I'll just keep it to myself, but you should know that somewhere in this world is someone who would be interested, someone who'd want to hear what I've got to say, and would have something to say back to me. Someone who would mean it when they tell me that no matter what, I can always come to them if I need to talk. And then you can remember times like these when you didn't want to hear it, because you'll be alone while I'm out talking to the man who wants me enough to listen.

Confession #2336

Every morning I wake up and I feel nothing but humiliation and impotent rage. Somedays I think it would be easier if i just drifted away and died, everyone would be better off.

Confession #2337

I felt so awful the other day - and when I called, you instantly knew something was wrong. When I got to you, you sat down and told me to tell you everything - and I did. All the weird crazy jumbly shit that rolls around in my head and you talked me through it. You didn't try to make light of my fears, you didn't try to tell me how to fix it. You just listened. When I was finally done, you kissed the tears from my eyes and told me how much you love me and how beautiful I am and how everything is going to be all right. That is how I know I love you. I come to you for comfort.

Confession #2338

I know you want me to admit that I have an alcohol problem, but I also know that if I do it will be like admitting that you are right...and I can't do that.

Confession #2339

To My BFF...

I can't tell you how many times I have spilled my heart out to you over email or on the phone, but there are just some things I can't say to you. In the short time we have known each other, you have become my best friend and I have fallen so truly deeply in love with you. You know that I love you, I just can't tell you anymore, I just tell you in my head countless times because it is so hard to hold it in. I have never met anyone like you. You know everything about me, from silly things like my favorite color to the deepest parts of what makes me the person I have become. I can just be me with you. You have never passed negative judgement on me, you have only supported me the best way that you can and for that I am truly grateful. I have never trusted anyone like I trust you, never opened up to anyone the way I can with you. There is something about you that just makes me feel so safe and secure like I have never felt and like I have been longing to feel.

I understand that the relationship we have is not ideal. We work together, we live so far apart and you have a wife. Oh I know on here I will probably catch tons of shit for that part but I don't care. We didn't set out for this to become what it has. You know that I believe everything happens for a reason, there is a reason for us we just haven't found it yet. I never meant to fall in love with you. You know I didn't. I tried to fight it. I knew I was losing that night that we finally saw each other. The way you made me feel both physically and emotionally was indescribable. Ever since that night I have just been falling deeper and deeper no matter how hard I try not to and no matter how much you asked me in the beginning to be careful. I know you are worried about me getting hurt, but that is obviously a risk I have been willing to take over and over with you. Every day I think about the next time I am going to see you. It isn't just because of the sex, I just want to be close to you, to talk to you and look into your beautiful eyes, to see your amazing smile. Every night I go to sleep and wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms, to wake up and roll over to find you there. I have told you a million times that I have no expectations for our relationship and that is true. I don't let myself think that you are going to leave her and come running to me. I am not stupid. But I do dream about what it would be like to be with you everyday. To be able to just reach out and hug you or kiss you or hold your hand whenever I want to. How it would feel to be able to just snuggle up with you on the couch and watch TV or even just talk. But what I think about the most is how wonderful it would be to just be able to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you. I have told you on the phone and online, but if you were looking into my eyes when I say it, you would be able to see how much I really do love you.

Then there is the not so great part of our relationship. I understand that you must be under so much stress. This has to be amazingly hard for you. You love your wife, and you care about me. I know you are in a really tough spot. I totally respect your feelings for her. After all, she is your wife and the mother of your children. Three times you have pushed me away just to come back again and pull me back in. Part of me wonders if you push me away because you are afraid of caring too much, but you wouldn't admit that to me even if it were true. I know that you start to think and you have so much conflict in your head and it scares you and you run. All three times I have never turned away, I have always stuck in there. After all, you are my best friend and I made a promise to you that no matter what happens that I will never leave you. I care too much about your friendship to just throw it away. I never told you this, but after the first time you pushed me away and came back I told myself that I was not going to let you do that to me again. I told myself that if you pushed me away again that was it, I was done, just friends. I didn't follow through because I said that the second time and the third. I love you too much to just let you go. There is always going to be a small glimmer of hope in my heart that we have a real relationship one day, but I am not counting on it, I am smarter than that. I wonder why I stay wrapped up in this when the chance that this goes no where is so far greater that the chance that we will be together. The answer is so easy, I can't stop because I love you. You keep telling me that you don't want to hurt me. I know you don't. I know the risk, I am willing to take that risk, I am still here. I could just leave it all behind if I wanted to, but until you tell me for good that its over, I am not gonna.

Out of respect for you I don't tell you what I think of your wife. I have told you that I don't think she deserves you. I have told you that I am so jealous because she has what I want so much. You make excuses for the way she is and I understand why you do. You feel the need to defend her because she is your wife. I just hope that deep inside you know that you deserve so much better. Granted I don't know what her day to day life is like, I don't know about her past, I have never even met her. What I do know is that when you love someone you don't act the way you have told me she acts. And I have no sympathy for her at all, not an ounce. The things she complains about make me laugh like a little hyena inside because I do it all alone, always have, and she complains and has you to help her! And the fact that she wanted you to leave makes me laugh at her even more, she would be throwing away something that she would probably never find again. She has no idea how lucky she is. If you were mine, I would never take you for granted the way she does. You just need to see things for yourself, no one can make you see it until you are ready to.

Just know that you have someone here who loves you so very much. Someone who will always support you and stand behind you no matter what. Someone who will never turn their back on you. I promise you friend or lover, I will always be here. There is so much more I want to say but that will have to wait for another day.

Thank you for being so truly amazing.

I Love You.

-Your BFF

Confession #2340

It sucks to know that after 4 years "invested" in this relationship that I was never #1. I always knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess it hurts to admit. You leaving me to take care of someone else gave me the courage I know I need to leave you. I just wish it wasn't so. Despite the fact that I know the best thing for me to do is move on, my heart hurts to know I HAVE to do it. I have never had so much joy, fun, laughter, pain and heartbreak all at once.

I never should have given you so much power over me and my self-esteem. What the hell was I thinking? Had I had better sense back then, I wouldn't be in this situation now. I never thought I'd be numb to all the things I go through with you now and it hurts. Why? Because I know things are finally coming to an end. It's just confirmation. But I've been preparing for this moment for a very long time. I love you dearly and can't bring myself to cheat on you. I know that we're not in the best place right now, but it won't justify me ever getting in bed with someone else. I know now that you won't ever make me happy, because we don't have any common goals. I never thought that I'd be the person to question whether or not I wanted to marry or have children. You made it into such an awful thing that I have turned into someone I don't recognize. And the sad part is that you never believed how much I actually loved you. You never knew that I really wanted to be your wife because I loved you just that much. Sure, maybe when I was like 18 I talked about getting married, but what the hell did I know? You were what I wanted for my life. I thought that the reason we were working so hard to better ourselves was for our future. I didn't know that we setting ourselves up for separate futures.

When I had my pregnancy scare, all I could think about was running to the clinic to get an abortion. I seriously resented you for leaving me all alone. I wanted to hurt you and I would have. I know that if I would have been pregnant and actually kept it, I'd never forgive myself. I don't want to end up someone who just settled with someone who never actually wanted me in the first place. And I know that it all would have been on your terms anyway. I know you NEVER would have married me.

I loved you for you. I loved you for my life. I loved how much people loved you. I loved how people always said you were such a good guy. And you are. No matter how hard it's been I can't really bring myself to say anything bad about you to anyone. Because I know you are a good guy. What kills me is that I know that you will one day marry someone and make them happy, the way I wanted to be happy with you. But I'm done thinking something was wrong with me and have come to terms with the fact that timing is everything and some things just weren't meant to me.

When this lease is up and I move, you won't know where. I'll change my number and delete you from my heart. I can't have you in my life anymore. Who are we kidding? We can't be friends. And the sad part is that I'm making these plans and kind of stringing you along because deep down inside I'm not totally ready to let you go. But I'm stringing you along, just like you did me. You had no respect for me or my time. If you just would have been honest from the beginning then I could have made the choice for myself. But you didn't give me the choice. You always had an excuse of why we couldn't get married. I wish you had some balls and told me you didn't want to marry ME. Not that the timing wasn't right, not that you want your finances in order, and all the other bullshit excuses you gave me.

Thank you. Thank you for being in my life, the fun vacations we had and the good times we had together. Thank you for being an asshole, not coming to my mom's memorial, pushing me up against the wall that one time and hurting me like hell when you gave me a ring that didn't mean anything, telling me that we'd be married in 3 years when none of it was true. Thank you for making me beg for sex when I'm only 25 and you're 27. Thanks for making me think that I was a damn lunatic and it was all my fault. Thank you for NOT marrying me because I know now that it could only have gotten worse. Thank you for not taking my maiden name from me because there's someone out there in the world who deserves it more than you do. And he'll love me. He'll honor me. He'll put me first. He'll make decisions with me, not WITHOUT me. He'll love his family, but he'll recognize that I am his number one.

I'll never make the same mistake twice and I owe it all to you. Thank you.