Monday, September 25, 2006

True Wife Confessions 80 Around the world in Days

Confession #791

When we got married 11 years ago I truly believed that I could love you forever. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm angry with myself for believing in you in the first place.

You're a great guy and probably the smartest person I know. But, why are we living in near poverty right now?

Oh! I know! I know! Because you can't (or won't) get your shit together. For a guy with a 4.0+ GPA and a computer science degree (6 years post graduation!!), you sure are stoopid!

I'm so angry right now that you've taken a perfectly great career path and done nothing with it. Not even 5 years ago you were making excellent money and now you're making $15/hr and we're living in near poverty.

I told you when you first decided you wanted to go into business with Moe, Larry and Curly that it WAS NOT GOING TO WORK. Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't you take my advice and move on and work towards getting your career back on track?

Now, here we are with 2 children with not a damn thing to show for it. You're making $15/hr and can't seem to find the motivation to get us out of this mess. You say that you're working towards getting us out of this hole and you feel badly that you didn't make better career choices. Ok. Fine. Then why are you napping in the middle of the day instead of looking for a fucking job?!


Confession #792

I am in shock. We have gone to marriage counseling. We've both heard how when we're angry we're supposed to use "I feel" statements. We are not supposed to use "loaded words". For 10 years now I've never felt like I've ever gotten through to you when we have an arguement. You say my feelings are unreasonable. You tell me I need to step in with a solution. When I do so, you tell me its not reasonable. You've just told me (in front of our child) that you "don't give a flying fuck about (my) feelings". You left the house angry. I suspect that when you do come home you will feel pefectly justified in what you said to me. And you will not apologize. Because this is what you do if the fight gets bad enough. Usually, I don't let that happen. I usually just give up. When I give up, I start to hate myself. And I start to hate you. And I hate that even when I give up and tell you that you have a point, to try to calm you down, that you still find ways to punish me afterwards. I guess we won't be having sex for at least a week because of this. Odds are you will probably not come home tonight either. I have told you in the past that if you stay out all night one more time, that's it. I'm gone.

Confession #793

I hope the man I slept with (with your permission) is at the party tonight. I still think about him but I'm still madly in love with you.

Confession #794

You have been reading Playboy and watching porn for thirty years. You've had girlfriends before me. Why is it that your enitre repertoire consists of "tweak tweak thrust thrust" in the missionary position?

Confession #795

When I catch you in a lie and you give me that hurt puppy dog look I want to slap you. Grow up and act like a man. If you think I'm being unreasonable, tell me instead of sneaking around my back.

Confession #796

We had three fights this week about the same thing. Its about our neighbors and how you let them freeload off of us. How they now EXPECT us to take care of their child. And how you often invite their child in and then expect me to babysit/feed her. The fight is also about how their special needs child has walked into our home without us knowing it. About how that child has had temper tantrums in our house (when he walked in uninvited) and had our son backed against a wall, cringing. I take that seriously. You say I have a chip on my shoulder regarding that family. The fight was also about how this special needs child will hit puberty soon and he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand what his surging hormones drive him to do. Its about how I've done research on this and how you haven't. You keep telling me there won't be any problems, I'm being a horrible, prejudiced person. You can call me that all you want. But I'm worried about my son. I'm worried that this oversized 10-year-old (who weighs about what I do) could over take our 35-pound son. I worry because we KNOW these people don't watch their children.

I don't know what to do. Yes, I don't like these people. But I feel it in my gut that something's bound to go wrong unless we take steps... And these people are sue-happy. And I worry that if their child were to hurt herself at our house, they'd sue us. Your retort to this was that I shouldn't worry. Since I stay home, you make all of the money and the house is yours. So they'd be suing you and not me. You tell me I'm being petty, mean and selfish. But you CLEARLY do not see this in yourself.

Confession #797

I'm not sure if it is your personal body chemistry or the medication you take, but your spunk STINKS. I'd like to stay and cuddle after we have sex, but as soon as you come I want to get that funk out of me. Even douching I smell it for 2-3 days afterwards, a blend of rotten dog hair and BO. I'm afraid other people will think it is me making that weird aroma. I used to love oral sex, but I can't take that weird medicinal taste, either. Sex used to be so fun and spontaneous. Now I feel like I need a haz-mat suit and a clean room before you get in my underwear.

Confession #798

I'm sorry but I'm done.

You are a great father and the kids love you, you are thoughtful are caring and responsible and probably would have made a perfect stay at home dad.
But your drinking and inability to trust me have worn me down, even though you are not as much of an assohole as you used to be. The years of drunken verbal abuse, completely ridiculous and unfounded accusations, and your insistance that I worry about what you might possibly think I'm up to if I say a certain thing that is out of the norm, or go visit my best friend. I don't give a fuck what you THINK I'm doing. I'm not doing anything, you asshole. Just because the sleezy ho's you hung out with when you were in a band used to fuck eachother's boyfriends, that is not a cross section of the general population. Your ideas about women are really fucked up and you need to get the fuck over it now. I am not FUCKING ANYONE, asshole. I never even thought about until you pounded it into my head, and now I want to.

When we are getting along I sometimes remember why I love you. I do still love you but I'm not in love with you anymore, you killed it a few weeks ago when you came home drunk, not even wasted, and started being an obnoxious argumentive dick. I withdrew from you like always and then I never came back, it just didn't happen this time.

When you are sober and not hung over I think you are a wonderful person, and I still really like you. We have fun together and I hope we can always be friends.

I told you the other night that I might consider staying with you if stopped drinking and trusted me completely. But I don't want to stay with you, I want to get on with my life without you holding me back because you are terrified I will leave you. Well I am leaving, I'd be gone already if you had any money to pay the mortgage. I can't wait unitl you can afford to move out. Everything is too hard, and I'm exhausted from arguing with you for 12 years. Even though you don't do that fucking silent treatment thing anymore I still remember the 6000 times you did it, sometimes for 4 or 5 days. I think you finally stopped doing it when you figured out that I didn't give shit anymore and I was happy you were leaving me the fuck alone so we didn't have to have another completely useless argument where you invariably told me I was selfish and there was no point in talking me.

So I'm done, and I'm sorry that you I am going to hurt you.

Confession #799

I didn't mind that you watch porn. I just wish that we could watch it together, as an adult couple in a committed relationship. Instead you watch it alone, while I'm at work or late at night after I've gone to bed. It hurts me that you're still so shy about your sexuality after all of these years, and nervous that you have something to hide. It makes me feel like there is something you need that I can't give you. You tell me that you'll never cheat on me, but you're giving the best of yourself to these "ideal" girls in their early twenties who are always "ready", never suffer PMS or a bad day at work, and are thin and beautiful. How could I compete? Why would I want to?

Confession #800

Its to the point where I think its just a lost cause. I think this is where I start to look for a job and a new place to live. You aren't interested in going to the marriage therapist anymore. You think its all my problem. I don't want to be divorced. But in all honestly, I've lost alot of respect for you. And you've really hurt me. To my very core

If I tell you that, I'm pretty sure of the reaction I will get. You will say, "You need to get over this. You need to move on. You just LOVE to hang on to that sort of thing." There won't be an apology. There rarely is.


Anonymous said...


This isn't 1950-dual working parents won't mar your children for life. Daycare issues? Try separate shifts so there's always a parent home with the kids. The burden shouldn't just fall on his shoulders to carry the responsibility of providing for the family, especially if money is such a huge issue with you-that is, unless you're stuck with some sort of Dark Age mentality of needing The Man of the House to provide for you.

Anonymous said...

There sure are a lot of drunks out there, and take it from someone who left one a while ago: they don't change. The kids don't matter, you don't matter, the house payment doesn't matter; all that matters is the next booze fest. Are the times in between drunken asshole episodes really all that worth it? If you keep them in this environment, the kids will grow up to either be alcoholics themselves or will marry one- is that the future you want for them? I would think not. Get out, or get him out, and don't use it as an ultimatum for him to change. Just do it and get on with your lives. They do NOT change unless they themselves want to, but that rarely happens permanently.

Julie said...

Time out, #791: From the oversleeping to lack of motivation from what seems to be an otherwise brilliant man, clinical depression is definitely a possibility here. I don't know how long this situation has gone on for you to hold this much contempt, but please keep this in mind next time you observe his actions.

Also, I don't know how "techie" you are, but being a CS major myself and the fellow wife of a programmer, I know that software as a career is extremely taxing and socially isolating, and many brilliant coders face existential crises early in their career. I lost count of coders-cum-baristas I know personally.

Anonymous said...

hey, get off #791. She isn't asking for advice, she is confessing how she feels inside.
Get off her already.

Anonymous said...


I hear ya. My hubby likes to watch porn also. He will buy it off cable maybe once a month. I don't mind it, but I would love it if he would invite me to watch it with him. It is almost like he is embarrased or something. I don't get it.

Anonymous said...

#791, I agree that it sounds like your husband may be clinically depressed. Apathy, neglecting his responsiblities, and sleeping in the middle of the day are all red flags for clinical depression.

He probably got there because he actually DID feel guilty for making bad choices that ruined his family's finances, but had a hard time admitting it. He may not be trying to better his family life right now because, having failed so spectacularly once, he now feels like he's doomed to failure.

I know money is tight, but I suggest you look into getting him some professional medical help before you make a decision to leave him-- give him an ultimatum if you have to. You say you loved him once; you say he was responsible and successful and your life together was happy once. I think it's possible the two you could have that again, if you can get him help, and if he is willing to take it.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

(And 11:29, we don't know #791's situation. Maybe she IS working, but they still aren't making enough to make ends meet. Maybe her children have special needs that would make childcare costs prohibitive. Maybe the poster herself has a disability. We don't know, so please let's not judge her too quickly, okay?)

Anonymous said...

796: Listen to your inner voice-- it's not wrong. That disturbed child could very well hurt your child if left alone. Be kind, but don't be foolish. I befriended a mentally handicapped young man years ago that confessed to me that he was inappropriate with young boys. I have a mentally handicapped uncle that, once he hit puberty, became sexually confused and inappropriate. Your research is correct. Guard your child. Again, be kind, just don't take any chances and always supervise. In my opinion, your husband is ill-informed and reckless. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

796, make sure your doors are locked at all times when you guys are inside. I would make that an ultimatum for your hubby also. You have to protect your own and that sounds like a really scary situation. I would take precaution for my sons sake. And if you just kept your doors locked so that the child couldn't just enter without being invited, then maybe you could avoid a confrontation.

Anonymous said...

798 - I wish I didn't relate to this so much. The only thing is, we don't have kids yet. I wonder why I even consider staying when it's obvious he'll never stop drinking and never trust me. He's CONVINCED I am cheating on him, but I'm not. Soon I will if he doesn't shut the fuck up!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Wow, anonymous 7:21... wouldn't it have been easier just to link the post in which Dooce's readers commented with their deal breakers?

Just seems a whole lot nicer (and less plagarism-y) to link the source instead of copying their words and removing the names..

Anonymous said...

WTH was that?
Did someone escape from their cell?

Anonymous said...

That was a little tedious. And was that rude? Maybe just a little?

Anonymous said...

You have every right to keep on your guard.
I use to work with adults with developmental disabilities in a group home setting, none of the adults could walk at the house that I worked at, however at other houses it was a different story.
The fact that really bothered me in your confession was the idea that these people are not watching their child. For a sue-happy family, they don't seem to be worried about jail time for child negligence. There are just too many instances where a family with a mentally disabled child/children don't have enough information or the knowledge to raise them in a safe environment & keep a close eye on them. What if the child were to end up hurting your son? What then? Sue you for not keeping your door locked? You are a house wife & a stay at home mom, not a stay at home babysitter for someone else's kids. It's unfair that your husband put you in that situation, & more shockingly didn't seem a bit fazed about the safety of his own son.

Anonymous said...

dude, ever hear of links? Handy little things that you can post so people can choose whether or not to read seven billion comments left on another blog (that I happen to love, but come ON!).

Dawn said...

I took down the cut and paste comments from Heather's Blog. I feel more comfortable, if interested in reading the comments ( which were very funny), you go right to her.

Anonymous said...

792 - Maybe he's cheating on you? I would definitely get the ball rolling to find out.