Monday, July 31, 2006

True Wife Confessions Miracle on 34th street

Confession #331

You look so sexy in your new glasses I want to rip your clothes off every time I look at you.

Confession #332

We've been together for 2 1/2 years and it pisses me off to no end, that you still do not accept my kids as a part of us. You tell me you love me but once a month....I know you do, but it would make me feel so much better if you would tell me a bit more

Confession #333

Before we were engaged, I cheated on you. The "affair" lasted 6 months. The only reason I stayed with you was because he was moving out of state, and I didn't want to go. I have always regretted this, as he made me feel like a real person, and you just make me sad.

Confession #334

I can't believe how much you love me. I hope you never realize that I don't deserve you.

Confession #335

That night I super glued your butt shut, it was only because you would have woke up if I tried it on your mouth.

Confession #336

I love you so much that I will lie and say I fell off the porch to cover up the bruises the size of softballs on my arm that you with your own fist put on me. Yes, I still love you with all my heart. I never thought I would understand the women who stay.

Confession #337

You aren't really that hot in bed. All this while, I know I have been stoking that ego of yours, and I deserve an Oscar for my performances.

Confession #338

Sometimes when I am upset, it's not because I doubt your love or my own for you. It's because I love you so much it scares me!

Confession #339

I had 2 brief flings with people who didn't really matter anything to me towards the tail end of our relationship, because I felt you moving away. And now that I've found out that I was just the place holder till you found a replacement, I don't feel guilty about it anymore.

Confession #340

This morning, after I dropped off the girls at their respective day camps, I drove home like a bat out of hell just so that I could make love to you before you left for work.

You're an awesome husband, an excellent father and an amazing lover.

You're right, 3 kids and 12+ years later, it does keep getting better and better.

I love you. Thank you.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

True Wife Confessions 33 - The last cruxification

Confession #321

Why must you call to tell me that the power just went out & you were about to make dinner, well..... ok, looks like we are having pb&j to eat & why must I call the power company to report the outage. After all if you can call a boat dealership to get a boat loan, then why is it so hard for you to call the energy company and let then know that we have no power!!! pussy

Confession #322

I had an abortion, right before we got married... I could never ever tell you this and never ever will! I feel like shit that you don't know anything about this and I thank God we have a beautiful little one now!

Confession #323

Sometimes, when we are having sex. I hurry things along because there is dramah on the message board I post at. Yes, I am more interested in reading the dramah, than having a quickie with you. Tuna Cones and sybermommys are far more entertaining.

Confession #324

You have given me more than I could have ever imagined.
I still get butterflies when I see you. After 8 years, you still make me giddy like you did when we first started dating.
When I look at our children and I see you in them, it makes me love you that much more. I know that your childhood was hard and you didn't have your mother and father around much, but you never show any resentment and somehow you know how to do everything for your children that your parents didn't do for you. You are my strength and my comfort. I could spend the day wrapped up in your arms. I take you for granted so many times, but when I stop to think about it, I can't believe I have someone as amazing as you. I know I say it everyday, but I mean this more than I can express: I love you. Thank you for being you.

Confession #325

The only reason i'm still with you is because he
wouldn't leave her for me. I've played the naive
victim role to keep you here. I still don't love you
and I don't know if I ever will but you are a decent
father and I don't want to get a job. I know I suck.

Confession #326

When you were out of town 2 years ago cheating on me, I was sleeping with your best friend. I just give you a hard time because I don't want you to be hurt the way I was hurt the 3 times you cheated on me.

Confession #327

When we fight or you make me feel bad about myself, I secretly think about the married man I slept with for two years before I married you. He wouldn't leave his wife and kids (though he said in the beginning that he was going to), but we've messaged each other recently and he still thinks of me as 'the one that got away'. I wish you knew that someone else wants me so you'd treat me better

Confession #328

I got engaged to you when I found out I was pregnant. When I lost the baby
I should have taken it as a sign to change the direction of my life, but I
didn't. I married you anyway, because I didn't want everyone to think that
I was just marrying you because of the baby. I was. Now I'm miserable
being married to you, and spend my days googling ex-boyfriends and dreaming
of ways to leave you.

Confession #329

I did know that the ice tea in the fridge was yours and that you were saving it. I was just thirsty and it looked good.

Confession #330

I start fights at bedtime so that you won't try to have sex with me.

Friday, July 28, 2006

True Wife Confessions 32 - a full set of adult human teeth

Confession #311

I love you more than anything in this world. You are my love, and I know that I will be with you until we are old and gray. I try to be good and sweet but I fucking hate your mother and can't stand that you talk with her twice a day, everyday! I know why you do it, I truly understand, but that doesn't matter to me at all. I can hardly stand to be in the same room when you talk with her cause she makes me spitting mad with her random stupidity! How did you ever come out of a fucked up home such as the one your mother created? I hate when she comes to visit and I count down the days until she is gone. If you ever let her stay with us as long as last time, I will find every possible thing to do away from the house so that you will have to manage with her all by yourself. I promise. You have made me promise that if anything ever happened to you that I would take care of her, well, Baby, sometimes I just don't know if I will be able to keep my end of the bargain.

Confession #312

Sometimes I am struck dumb by the fact that I got a fantastic mother-in-law as well as the amazing son she raised.

Confession #313

I am so thankful that I "manage" the finances because you will never know that the reason things are so tight now is that we are paying for my 4 month stint with an online gambling addiction!

Confession #314

Guess what? I do not like having sex with you. Contrary to what your MOTHER told you, size does matter. I understand that you had a birth defect, but there are times when I can't believe that for the rest of my life I will be having sex with a man who's penis is literally an inch and a half long. AN INCH AND A HALF! And keeping the lights off during sex does not mask the problem. I love you with all my heart, but I hate your tiny penis.

Confession #315

I wasn't dropping off documents at "Mike's", we were following around and doing drugs.

Confession #316

I really hate it that when I look around our room, I
see a hamper in the corner. And that on the floor,
less than 4 inches from that hamper are your dirty
underwear. About 6 inches from that, some raunchy
socks. And a t-shirt. I've seen you play basketball,
so I know you understand the concept. HIT THE BASKET.
How 'bout for each time you score a basket with your
dirty laundry, you score in bed? Bet we still only
have sex once or twice a month!!!

Confession #317

Just stop bitching. I love you. You are a wonderful, handsome man and a good
father. We had our bad times in the past but now things are good. We have a
wonderful life. Our kids are beautiful. We have a great home in a nice
neighborhood. We have decent jobs. Why do you bitch about everything??? We
went on vacation last week and our twelve year old asked me why you complain
about everything. Just stop it. You are driving me crazy.
Confession #318

Whenever I meet any of your friends I have dreams about having sex with them because sex with you is so routine and boring, I dream of a man who will initiate sex with me instead of making me ask. We're in our 20's why am I only getting some one or twice a month if I leave it to you???? We don't even have any kids.....

Confession #319

In all the years we have been together you have never once told me that my body turns you on. You always seem to point out women that look good. You don't realize how many years I have suffered inside. You tell me that my face is so beautiful and my inside person is so good but I don't fucking want to hear that. I want to hear that I look good and know that when you close your eyes you are thinking of me. Not of the woman that you undressed with your eyes earlier that day. Or the friend of mine that is nice and in shape. Why did you marry me if you wanted to change me so much? It is sad that when we have sex I get off by thinking about you and that girl you told me to look at in the store. Because I feel you are screwing someone else and not me...

Confession #320

I thought I would feel bad about cheating, but I felt cheated that it was bad

I love my belly dance lessons but I never intend to dance for you

you are very good in bed, very good

when you take over cooking supper in the middle of it because it dawns on you that I am monitoring our child in the shower, folding laundry, cooking supper, and cleaning up the living room; don't stop cooking supper

when you have a day off and I have to work, stay out of the bathroom, stay out of the kitchen, as a matter of fact stay in bed until I am gone

If you refer to watching our child as babysitting one more time when you talk to your friends; when I get home I am going to pay you and ask you to leave. You aren't babysitting you are parenting!!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

True Wife Confession 31 (trente et un)

Confession #301

I really am all healed up from giving birth, I'm just not going to tell you that because this is the only time in our relationship you have given me affection without expecting sex in return.

Confession #302

Just because you are older than me, that does not mean that you know everything. It may be possible that I know more about a subject than you do. I however, do not feel the need to rub your face in the fact that I know more about it than you. Just because you feel like an idiot, that does not give you the right to be a dick.

Confession #303

When I visit my family and friends back home do not constantly call me to talk about nothing. They live 1000 miles away and I see them 10 days a year, you get the other 355. Do not be so greedy for my time. There is also no need to check and see what I am doing. I am a responsible adult (unlike you) and can have fun without getting into trouble. My old friends (the ones that happen to be men) are not a threat to you. I have known them for years and if I had wanted to be with any of them I had plenty of opportunity in the past. Stop being so jealous and controlling. I am more likely to leave you for that than for an imagined affair.

Confession #304

I wouldn't seem so jealous if you didn't flirt all the time. With
everyone. I trust you....really I do. I know you won't do anything.
But it is just so annoying especially when others point it out to me.
You are engaged remember? And I do have feelings. Try to remember

Confession #305

How do I tell you that I hate your son? I knew you had a child when we started dating. I married you knowing that this part of your life was included in the package. I counted myself lucky that you and his mother had never been married, had been apart since before his birth. Little did I know how much I was going to hate knowing that you and I would never experience a first pregnancy together. And now? Now that we are days away from the 1st anniversary of our first infertility treatment and still not pregnant, knowing that you have a 12 year old oops? I feel so broken and incomplete. You are smart enough and sensitive enough to never bring up her pregnancy unless I ask and for that I'm greatful. But it kills me to know that if we do finally get pregnant, none of it will be new and exciting to you. You've been there and done that. I don't blame you, though. For some reason, I blame your son...the physical representation of this past that I can never truly be a part of. I welcome him into my home, I've tried to help raise him. I clothe him and feed him, using my own money, and attend his recitals and parent-teacher meetings, but I'm still just the step-mom and sometimes that sounds an awful lot like when I used to get introduced as "dad's girlfriend." My opinion is never asked. Never mind the degree in education and child-development, ignore the fact that I was a nanny to three children for years...more of a mother to them than their own mother, I couldn't POSSIBLY have any information to offer, experience to share, advice to provide to you and her, who have never raised a child, who were only children, who never so much as babysat for an afternoon. I feel shut out. And sometimes, just sometimes, it makes me hate you just a bit too.

Confession #306

I love you dearly but the attention I got from another guy the other day was
enough to make me think about what it might be like to be with some one

Confession #307

Being married to you is like having a roommate. We don't have sex, but we laugh alot. We don't kiss or do anything intimate, but we watch TV together. You are a kind man, and there is so much wonderful about you. But I married you because I wanted a lover, not a roommate.

Confession #308

I love you for what you've become and how you have taken me to places so amazing I can't describe BUT....

if you don't stop thinking that because I go to school full time, that I don't work. I clean your damn house, wash your damn clothes, cook your damn food (when I'm not at school trying to better myself), have sex with you when I'm not exhausted and take out the damn trash. What do you do? Work. Yay for you. I worked while you went to school and now I get "the look" when you don't have any clean underwear! Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe that I, too, would like to come home to a clean house with my clothes put away and the trash already taken out? I don't guess you have. Where's my clean underwear? In the washer, waiting ever so patiently for ME to put it in the dryer. Where are my clean dishes? In the dishwasher, again waiting for me, because apparently, taking 5 minutes to put them away, distracts you from more important things, like watching tv.

I realize that you work hard and I do appreciate what you do but appreciate what I do, too. Please notice what I do is way more important that what you do sometimes. I notice that you keep the grass cut and the dog happy, so notice when I clean that damn house to perfection - for you.

Confession #309

Dear Husband,

I hate you. I really do. Everytime you leave the house I hope you die in an accident. I've even thought about 'tweeking' your brakes on your motorcycle. You wonder why we have no sex life. Did you ever have sex with a drunk. It is no fun. Last time you even said "can you pretend you are enjoying this?" You are a lazy lazy man, yet always complain about how I clean the house or cook dinner. Why don't you try doing either one once?? We have 2 children - that you have never once changed thier diaper, bathed or put to bed. Yet you tell me that I am lazy and fat. Why am I fat? In hopes that you won't want to have sex with me. Oh. I do get bonuses - twice a year - that I don't tell you about. My mom is saving the money for me so that I can leave you and hopefully find some love in this life

Confession #310

I love that you care for my child as though she were Ours. You help with vomit duty and everything. You are my best friend and I love you immensely but please for the love of all that is holy, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN. Do not question my preparation methods and do not compare my cooking to that of your mother's. It just makes me want to slam your head in the oven. And, if I don't ask for help, don't just assume you know how to do it better than I. Because you don't.
Ah, I feel better already.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

True Wife Confession Dirty 30

Confession #291

Remember last Friday, when we sat on the bedroom
floor and talked about how much we want to make this
marriage work? It was one of the best nights of my

Confession #292

I know that you want me to stop criticizing your mother but how can I when she is so disgusting? Anyone who flosses at the table and makes a pile of meat that she got from between her teeth is asking for it. People wonder why we haven't taken the baby to her house and I want to scream, "BECAUSE SHE HASN'T CLEANED HER TOILETS IN 15 YEARS!!!!!!!" She is the nastiest person I have ever known personally and she needs help.

Confession #293

Why are you so selfish? When will you ever consider anyone besides yourself? Why don't I matter to you? Why don't you listen to me? Why do you think it's okay to do whatever you want whenever you want and never let me know what's going on? What if I started treating you the way you treat me? Yeah, there are bigger jerks out there, and you don't beat me or cheat on me, but you don't consider me, and at times that can be just as bad

Confession #294

I know being around my family makes you
uncomfortable. I know that's why you don't like going
home for Christmas. I'm okay with that, so long as
when I say a family get-together is important, you
come to it with me.

Confession #295

I think I am the only person in my house that knows how to use a dishwashe. I mean as far as even opening it!!!! Wait, unless I pay the... Yah, when money is involved things get done!!! But, then my husband bitches that I shouldn't "Have" to pay our children to simply load and unload the dishwasher... I just want to smack the hell out of all of you for being so fucking inconsiderate!! I work full time and, I have zero tolerance for all of your ignorance!! Do the fucking dishes yourselves.. oh, yah.. and now honey, you get to do the dishes.. and give the children money so they can go to the mall. At least my way they were working for it!! Idiot...

Confession #296

The fact that you remember what I was wearing on the night we went out for our first real date....and that this was 16 years ago? Why, yes...It was that blue dress, and Yes, I did wear it to catch your eye. Remembering is amazingly sexy.

Confession #297

Your brother and his wife aren't welcome in our home.
Ever. I hope you're okay with this, because if they
want to come, I'm going to say no.

Confession #298

Are you REALLY okay with your son growing up as emotionally distant as you are?

Confession #299

It hurts me so much when I bring up something far in the future, like moving or having children, and you say "who says we're going to be together then?" I know you're "joking," but if the thought of us getting married is too much for you to handle, maybe we should be breaking up instead of making plans to celebrate our 4-year anniversary. I'm not in a big hurry to get a ring on my finger or anything, but I'd like to know that the thought has at least crossed your mind in the past four years, and hopefully it doesn't turn your stomach.

Confession #300

When you spend all day on your day off, sometimes the only day you get in a week, cleaning our house and mowing the lawn, reorganizing the garage, and then coming inside and helping me with dinner, I totally remember why it was I fell in love with you. We are a team, you and I, and while I sometimes feel guilty because I can't seem to dust as well or as quickly as you, I still remember every time I see you with the Pledge in your hands that you aren't my father, and I won't end up like my mom, doing housework all day while you watch TV and nap in the recliner. You make me want to be a better wife. I know I just told you this last night, but I wanted to say it again. And I'm sorry your clothes got so wrinkled in the dryer before your business trip.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

True Wife Confessions Sweet and Sour 29

Confession #281

When I ask you what time you are going to be home from where ever it is your going, tell me what time you are going to be home. Don't tell me 10pm because you think that is what I want to hear and then come strolling in at 2am blaming it on the guy driving not wanting to leave. If you aren't going to be home at 10 then CALL ME! You have a cell phone that you use ALL THE TIME...just once, use it to call me and tell me you will be late. Or better yet, quit being such an inconsiderate jerk and come home on time!

Confession #282

I can't begin to explain how frustrating it is to go somewhere with you and never leave together. Or the fact that every moment off of work is hanging with your buddies...playin' cards. You do have a family you know...remember me? our boys?Not to mention the fact that HELLO we are getting married in 3 (yes...3) weeks and you are blowing our money on poker! You know for once...just once...I would love to be the irresponsible one. I would love to party with our friends and not worry about the children, the dog we are sitting for while YOUR parents are out of town, making sure the house is clean the fridge is full of food, the laundry is done and whatever else it is that I do....just once would be nice!

Confession #283

I hope she is worth it, I hope you find out whatever it is that her first two husbands found wrong, and hope that you one day kick yourself for giving up our 10 year marriage and our 3 year old daughter for your piece of ass that was just so good. I hope your daughter never finds out or figures out that her daddy wanted a better piece of ass than to fix what was wrong with our family. I sincerely hope that the person that doesn't like kids, and doesn't ever think kids should be at a party does not become the person that helps you raise our daughter

Confession #284

I want to have an affair with a black man that has a huge penis. When i am having sex with you, i am dreaming about a big dick in me stretching me out and loving it.

Confession #285

The only reason that I say hateful things about Japanese women is
because I feel like I will never measure up to your ex-girlfriend who
was Japanese. You have told me countless times that I don't have to
compete, and somewhere, deep in my heart I believe it. I just need
to get it through to my head. I am not as racist as I sound - just a
bit envious.

Confession #286

I am so sick and tired of you always being sick, having pains in your chest, pains in your ass cheek, and just being all around sick. when I met you you seemed somewhat strong and healthy, now 17 years later I am the one caring the 50 lbs of dog food & salt for the water softener & removing the cap off your ketchup bottle. I really think that all the meds that your on is not helping you but is killing you slowly. but you won't listen to me when I tell you this and you say that your just following doctor's orders. BULL SHIT- GET A BACK BONE AND LEARN HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH INSTEAD OF HAVING SOME QUACK PUSHING MEDS. ON YOU every time you go in for a check up.

Confession #287

I absolutely hate walking into the bathroom and stepping over your dirty clothes and towels just so I can use the toilet….Clean up after yourself you lazy scab…

Confession #288

Tonight was the last time that you speak to me like that in front of our children. When you speak to me like that you make yourself look like the immature, ignorant, and out of control asshole that you really are. The next time you choose to show your self like that I will take your flippant, "fuck off" advice to heart and leave you and your temper tantrums.

Confession #289

If you accuse me 1 more time of having a boyfriend then I WILL go cheat on you, there are 4 of them just waiting for the chance, then afterwards they'd love to come kick your sorry wife beating ass.

Oh and here's another for you, I'm filing for FULL CUSTODY with supervised visits and a DIVORCE tomorrow. I'm planning on leaving you high and dry fucker. This has been my plan for years, and my new found contact with old friends has pushed me into doing this.

Oh and I'm going out tomorrow night for my birthday and to celebrate me LEAVING you!!!

Confession #290

I hate that I'm the one who always buys you presents; you've never even written me a note before.

I hate that you always turn to me for money - never once have you bought me lunch, and you always ask me to pay you back for the things you help me buy. I must have spent hundreds and hundreds on you already, from the cumulative dollars here and there.

I hate that you tell me you felt jealous when I talked to this one guy a lot, but don't realise I felt the same way considering how 9/10 of your friends are females. I hate the way you have no inhibitions around them, never refraining from hugging them, getting all touchy-feely, then telling me that "they're just friends" when I object.

I hate the way you tell me I'm too sensitive, and that I have to learn to trust you. Trust is never given freely, and you haven't proven your worth.

I hate the way you compare me to your ex-girlfriends.

I hate the way you don't stand up for me, but stand up for other girls.

I hate the way you constantly tell me how pretty other girls are.

I hate the way you want to set up a band, a dance group, and all the other sort of shit with other girls, but never once want to include me in anything you do.

I hate the way you tell me that I don't communicate with you enough, and don't tell you the problems I have with you. And when I do, you somehow talk around it so it always ends up as my fault.

I hate the way you're always more than an hour late for our dates, leaving me to wait solitarily by the streets.

Most of all, I hate myself for not having the courage to tell you all this. I hate my heart for feeling so happy when I see you, that I'm never able to figure out whether I should leave you or not.

Monday, July 24, 2006

True Wife Confessions 28 Days Later

Confession #261

I don't say that I appreciate you enough. I spend more time bitching at you than saying how good you really are. It's wrong of me and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that when I get PMS I turn into a raging, insane BITCH. You deserve better.

Confession #262

My dad had come over to help pack up some personal items of mine from school and family heirlooms to store in their basement because we no longer had storage space at our place. Dad left the boxes in our living room and said he'd come back to get them the next day, then the two of us went to dinner. A few months later, my husband and I hit a rocky patch in the marriage. I went to stay with my folks. While in the basement, I found the boxes dad had packed. I unpacked them and found that items were missing. It turns out that while Dad and I were at dinner, my husband had carefully untaped each box and stole some items. Then he taped them back up so we'd never know it happened. The divorce papers came last week. THANK YOU GOD!

Confession #263

Your penis is unusually tiny. Maybe 4 inches? When not erect, I can't even tell you have one. I can't feel anything when we have sex. Here's a big reason for having sex before you get married. Or rather, a SMALL reason. Try before you buy, ladies!

Confession #264

I'm pretty sure that you know how much money I spend and you almost never call me on it. Well, maybe the time I spent 600 bucks at Hannah Anderson and you made me take half of the things back. But still

Confession #265

For the milionth time, I will never swing with you. I won't go to swing clubs or swing parties just to, "Check it out." You think they're going to be hot models? Reality check, honey. Most of them are white trash and most of them don't use protection because, "We're all married, so we're safe." Why didn't you tell me you were into this germy disgusting lifestyle BEFORE we got married?

Confession #266

The fact that you have stayed with me through all of my mental health issues, and have rarely called me crazy out loud, even when you are thinking it in your head? You took "the good with the bad" part of our vows seriously and I am eternally grateful.

Confession #267

My husband is dead set against sex toys. He asks me why I need sex toys if I have him around to satisfy me? I say it's something fun to add to our sex life. He said it's either him or the sex toys. So when he goes to work, I get out my hidden collection of sex toys and do myself silly. Maybe my husband does have something to fear. The sex toys are a lot better in bed than him.

Confession #268

It was just two days after I started the Pill and wasn't protected against pregnancy yet. I asked my husband to put on a condom before we had sex. He agreed. He leaned over to the nightstand and made a big effort out of opening a condom wrapper and putting it on. When he came, I felt it. I pushed him off me and saw there was no condom. He had MIMED putting on the condom and had hidden the condom under the bed. I demanded to know why. He said, "You're not gonna get pregnant, so what's the big deal?" It was the first moment that I felt fear in my heart that I had married the wrong man.

Confession #269

Do you not wipe after taking a dump? I do your laundry, you know, and I don't think you use toilet paper.

Confession #270

I love that you are the one who bakes for all school functions. Me? I would buy something, but you? In the kitchen, baking giant cookies or super fudgey browines.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

True Wife Confession Round 27

Confession #261

I've reached the end of my rope. I am no longer in
love with you. Your fart jokes are no longer amusing.
When you touch me, I just want to push you away. I am
in love with someone else. The only reason why I keep
you around is for the paycheck, as shitty as it is. As
soon as I start making more money, your ass is gone.

Confession #262

I really think it is your job to teach our little boy how to ride a bike. The fact that you have never taken the time to teach him how is driving me insane! Especially since you spend at least 15 hours a week on yours!

Confession #263

Couldn't you, just once, say SOMETHING during sex? Tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm hot, tell me I smell great, tell me I turn you on...SAY SOMETHING--even if you have to lie a little bit! Your moans and groans just don't always do it for me...throw me a frickin' bone, PLEASE? Haven't you ever read a magazine article about women and sex before--it all starts in the brain, my love! Tickle me THERE before you go anywhere else! Maybe if you had been saying that kind of stuff all along in our 20 years together, I wouldn't have gained all this weight. I would've known I was attractive and not just some lump you want to screw a couple of times a week just because I'm there.

Confession #264

Why is it that you can do that fantasy role playing with your friends and
on-line but you can't role play with me in bed?

Confession #265

I am leaving you because I hate your fu*&ing kids

Confession #266

You have absolutely no right to complain about our sex life when you turn down shower sex all the time simply because you don't like to bathe. Oh, and no, I won't put my mouth there till you're clean. Why is this hard to understand?

Confession #267

It really hurts when I tell you exactly how I want you to make love to me
yet you never listen. You start us right back into the same position doing
the same thing. Maybe a little change won't make it feel like such a chore
for you.

Confession #268

Sometimes when you sleep, I lay by your side and start to cry. I picture what it would be like if you died in a tragic accident. To be honest, I don't think I could keep on living if that happened.

Confession #269

What guy walks around with hair down to his butt anymore? Oh, you're keeping it REAL, staying true to your ROCKER ROOTS? God, even Tommy Lee has short hair these days. You look like a woman. A really ugly woman. And I'm sick of everyone thinking we're lesbian lovers. It's embarassing. YOU'RE A TINY, SKINNY MAN. You cannot pull off super long hair. CUT IT, you 80s hair metal band looking reject.

Confession #270

Your breath stinks 24 hours a day. What died in your mouth? Maybe you should see a doctor. Why do you think I keep mints in both cars and almost every room in the house? If you get into bed and want to have sex with me one more time without gargling first, I am going to puke on you. How can you not be aware that your mouth stinks that badly?

Friday, July 21, 2006

True Wife Confession 26 maple martinis on the wall

Confession #251

The reason I cut you off and finish your sentences sometimes in public is
to keep you from sounding like an idiot

Confession #252

I am in love with someone else and SHE does things to me that you could never imagine!!!

Confession #253

I could never tell you, but I don't like having sex with you anymore. I don't find you attractive. When we have sex I close my eyes and think of someone else, perhaps a famous someone.

Confession #254

I think you are a closet sex for several years is one thing but your interest in pre nubile females and your too long hugs of any zipper skinny woman
give you away...go ahead find a male lover because I don't give a shit what you do anymore.

Confession #255

After nearly 12 years of being married when will you learn that when you
insist on blowing my back out at 4am in the morning, I will not be up at
5:30 to make you breakfast before you leave for work.

Confession #256

I know that I don't get out by myself all that often, but when I do, I expect the same things that you expect. You want to come home to a clean house, as well as kids that have been fed, bathed, and are either ready for bed or have been put to bed for the night. I do not enjoy walking in the door and seeing my nice clean living room trashed beyond recognition. I do not enjoy walking in the door with three baskets of wet clothes (because you won't get off your lazy ass and fix the washing machine) and being told that I have to give the kids a bath at 10pm. I do not enjoy being told that I'm not doing my job because the house doesn't meet showroom standards while you sit on your ass and play computer games all day long. I'm not your mother, your maid, or your children's nanny. You really shouldn't be surprised that I'm in the mood only once a month, if that.

Confession #257

You are not now, nor ever, going to have your own business again as a graphic artist. You have no skills for that. Suck it up and be happy you have a job at Home Depot.

Confession #258

I hate having sex with you! It used to be wonderful, but lately, not so much. Because I would like a little love and tenderness. I would like to feel as if I were loved and cherished. I am tired of nothing but dirty talk. I don't need to be told what a dirty bad girl I am each and every time. I don't want to hear your every kinky fantasy. Especially because I know that you have acted them out online many times before, and are using those fantasies to get off with me. It hurts. It hurts alot. Is it any wonder that I don't ever want to have sex with you?

Confession #259

There are so many things about you that I cannot stand. Your breath is terrible, you stink b/c you don't shower every day. You are so arrogant and stubborn it makes me want to hit you. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You bitch about money but don't hesitate to buy something that you want. Your whole family is nuts. But the worst thing of all is I hate the kind of father you are. Your children get more attention from you when they are being disciplined than any other time. And it drives me crazy that you always feel the need to jump in when I am trying to discipline. No wonder they don't listen to me. You never give them a chance. I think your parents are lazy and selfish and so are you.

Confession #260

I want to hear that you love me, that you miss me, and that you think of me at all. I don't want to ramble about stupid shit. I want to know I'm dealing with all this insanity for a reason. I tell you all the time how much I love you. Why can't I get even a fraction of that in return? Sometimes I wonder if you love me-if you ever loved me because you never even say, "I love you," unless I say it first. Do you really? What do you love about me, then? Why can't you just freaking talk to me?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

True Wife Confession Level 25

Confession #241

If you do not stop smoking as you promised me 8 years ago, I will leave you. Since we found out you have to quit smoking for us to have a baby, I will NOT waste my life waiting for you to stop smoking so I can have a child. There are many men out there that would love to have a child with me. If you don't stop, I will walk out on you. And YES, I am right on the verge!

Confession #242

You don't know how I want to hit you when you make that stupid, goony, idiotic looking face that you think is so funny. You've been doing it our entire married life and I HATE it!

Confession #243

Why do you keep bitching at me about getting a job? Do you not realise that we have 5 children, and that is my job? My day starts half and hour before yours, and I don't get the benefit of regular breaks. I care for all 5 kids, clean the house, cook the meals, do your laundry. You come home, and go straight to the kitchen to fix your plate. Never mind the fact that I'm standing there feeding babies, and I'm always the last person to eat, usually eating while I'm cleaning up the kitchen. Then you retire to your chair while I bathe babies, and you watch tv. I put kids to bed, and then you decide its time to complain that I'm not giving "it" up enough. Then we go to bed, only I'm up another 2 or 3 times a night with the little one, while you snore and roll into my spot....yet on top of all this, I'm supposed to go get a're an ass.

Confession #244

I purposefully play passive/aggressive with you: it's what makes our marriage work. Sometime when I say things like "Man, I smell.", "I forgot to brush my teeth today.",or "I really need to [insert household chore here]." I really mean you. I'm sorry that I play this game with you, but if I come right out and say what I want, you get all pissy. This way I let you think that you had an original thought or that you're doing me a favor and we both win.

Another thing, when I say "I'm sorry that I'm not that good at sex."... yeah, I mean you again.

Confession #245

Why is it that I am expected to instantly forgive and forget when you screw up big time but you act like I've betrayed you if I make even the smallest mistake? Then you hold it against me for days or even weeks. I used to be perfectly willing to forgive and forget, and I have forgiven you for some huge things and never brought it up again, but after years of you refusing to do the same I just resent you more and more and find it harder and harder to forgive you for anything. And all of those things that I just let slide before, things that I had let go of long ago, are actually coming back to me and are becoming important to me again. And I hate you for it sometimes.

Confession #246

Sometimes when my girlfriends are complaining about their husbands, I nod my head and make something up about how my husband never picks up his socks. Really he’s perfectly handsome, smart, sexy, and motivated and he loves me to bits. I just feel bad bragging about it in the face of my poor friends' marital problems.

Confession #247

dear husband
I love you and our children. I don't mind cleaning up
after them but you are a grown man and more then
capable of putting your things away and cleaning up
I'm not asking you do change diapers, do laundry,
clean up spilled juice or wash dishes--just put away
the lemonade after you pour a glass (or drink out of
the container as the case may be) take you dishes to
the kitchen sink, please don't leave them next to you
recliner; sometimes playing children knock them over,
the contents may spill or the dish may break.
Please put your dirty clothes in the laundry room so
that I can wash them, I am tired of finding dirty
socks and shirts under the furniture.
Please don't complain about the house being messy when
I've been outside mowing and raking all afternoon. I
can't be in 2 places at once.
And finally, I cannot read your mind-don't make faces
and complain about dinner when you are asked what
you'd like and tell me you don't care or say whatever.
just shut it and eat the damn lasagna.
love, your cranky wife

Confession #248

Yes, you designed and oversaw the construction of this big beautiful house
that we live in and I love you for it, but sometimes you fail to remember
that it was my credit and financial strength that made the financing
possible. Your credit was jacked up when we met, remember.

Confession #249

How is it that you can manage and supervise an 80 man crew in building 10
million dollars complex, but you can not get 2 little 5 year olds to pick up
their toys in their room? HUH? Why is that such a hard task?

Confession #250

Why is okay for your "little girls" to cry themselves to sleep when you want
to get busy, but when I am trying to get things ready for the next day I
should stop and pick them up?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

True Wife Confession 24, Sans Kiefer Sutherland

Confession #231

Sometimes I wonder if we should really be together. If it weren't for our
daughter, I'm not sure I would put up with your bullshit.

Confession #232

Have I told you I hate your family? From your alcoholic brother, to your
sister and her inane blathering about nothing, to your father who watched
me from our living rooom, drinking coffee, while I shoveled 18 inches of
snow from our driveway at 6am before I went to work, to your mother who
said "I'll just make some dinner for me and your father" after I came home
from work and picking up our son from football. I mean, hey, don't bother
with us.... we aren't tired or hungry and god knows, we don't have to
eat...... assholes. Next time you go into the hospital and they come to
"help", tell them I'd rather sit through a discussion of third world
politics with Paris Hilton.... at least it will be shorter than their visit
and I know there is an end in sight.

Confession #233

Why do you get pissed off when I ask you not to say inappropriate things in front of our children? I appreciate the fact that you think I'm sexy, but when our seven year old son snuggles up to me and lays his head on my chest, don't look at him and say "hey, those are MINE." That is just wrong, and could be confusing to a child.

Confession #234

I rarely ever orgasm with you. I've faked it 99% of the time that I've been with you. Now that we have two small children, and you continue to not show me any day to day affection, or appreciation, yet have the ability to criticize multiple times a day, I loathe every time we have sex. I find no enjoyment in it. It's all an act. I just go through the motions and wait for it to be done and when it is, I just feel cheap and used up. You're sucking the lively hood out of me, and I just let it happen because I would never be able to support the kids with out your income

Confession #235

Please, for the love of GOD, tell your friends that I don't want to host guests EVERY NIGHT!!! I don't want to go to someone's house to hang out every night that we don't have guests, either. I want some time, just the two of us, to run around the house in our underwear, so to speak. I hate that we can't even spend our ANNIVERSARY together without five different people trying to convince us to go hang out with them even after I've politely declined their offer, explaining that it's our anniversary!!! Some of these friends are in their thirties and forties. They should be grown-up enought to take NO for an answer the first time, not to mention the tenth time I have to say it! If you don't tell them, so help me God, I'm going to tell them, and when I do, we just might have plenty of one-on-one time together for quite a while, get it? And BTW, don't try saying it's her just the same as him, because she's told me she'd rather the two of them spend some alone time at their own house, if she could get him to. You could also be a man and tell them NO yourself, instead of telling them to ask me every time! Grow some, and JUST SAY NO!!

Confession #236

I remember telling you after dating for a month that I had done some things I was not proud of and that if you couldn't handle it you were free to leave. Basically, I would never tell you my NUMBER. Give you the LIST. And I wouldn't want to know yours. You hugged me and said that you didn't care what I had done before. You loved me for who I turned out to be because of those experiences. But, after three years of dating and two years of marriage, you've started to take jabs at the amount of guys I've slept with. I fucking hate you for that. It's really not fair. Doesn't stop me from loving you because I think you're feeling insecure about our postmarried kind of boring sex life, but it still pisses me off. Don't throw that shit in my face.

Confession #237

Yes, I have a cocktail in my hand. Again. For the third night this week. I am the sole caregiver for our young children. The fact that I have a cocktail in my hand 2-3 nights a week...the moment you walk in the door? Ought to be a given!

The fact that I don't wake up in the morning, roll out of bed and immediately pour myself a martini? Well, that is more of a miracle than the Virgin Mary!

Confession #238

You think I'm the perfect wife. You think I enjoy cuddling with you. You have no idea that I'm in love with a woman and have learned why I was never comfortable with the physical part of our relationship.

Confession #239

I'm having a hard time remembering why we got married in the first place, the level of resentment that I feel on almost a daily basis is really starting to "taint" my outlook. I'm tired of coming to you and asking, begging, pleading, yelling, seducing, talking to you about the same thing over and over. I've tried every tactic and it's always the same, I get nothing. How can you expect me to not feel this way when day after day you come home from work and leave it all up to me??? You work late, come home, eat your dinner and spend a lot of your free time on the computer. Do you not realize how shitty I feel when I tell you that I feel lonely and that I need you? Do you not realize how angry it makes me??? Do you not realize that you are supposed to be the 'man of the house' and you need to step it up and HELP ME???? I don't think I can lower my expectations anymore than they already are. This is not the kind of relationship I wanted and it makes me sad.

Confession #240

You made me stop drinking, when you are the one with the outrageous drinking problem. It is so bad, I can't even drink wine with my dinner. When I tell you I'm going to my mothers house for the weekend to help her out, I'm really checked into a hotel drinking all weekend with my girlfriends, and you are the one footing the bill.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

True Wife Confessions 23 Mathematical problems of David Hilbert

Confession #221

You are not my husband. I think you were supposed to be, though. The more I desire you, the more I think about luring you from your wife and family, the more you resist. I find that to be wildly attractive and loyal because I know you want to as much as I do. If you had just slept with me, I would have left you behind. Your committment to them makes me love you more. I will wait for you as long as I need to.

Confession #222

I pretend to like that we were romantic and eloped out of the blue, but I resent that you didn't get me an engagement ring.

Confession #223

Honey, when you are heading to bed late at night, how many times do I
have to tell you to leave the door to the bathroom open so that the
cats can get to the litter box? And if you do shut the door, don't
bitch the next morning if the cat has taken a shit on the carpet.
when you gotta go... you gotta go!!! and then telling me to clean it
up because it "my cat"? you're lucky I don't put the shit in your
loafers you bastard.

Confession #224

I LOVE it when you have to go on business trips
because that's when I throw away all your crappy
stupid possessions that you insist on hanging on to --
despite that fact that I'm required to maintain them,
clean them and step over them in our teeny tiny house.
You want to know where all your junk went? Goodwill,
baby! Goodwill.

Confession #225

I hate that you drink so much. Watching it makes me sick. While I recognize it's YOUR problem, it is sucking the life out of me. With every drink you take, I fall more out of love with you. Just because you can get up and go to work doesn't mean I don't see it for the problem it is.
I am starting to hate you.

Confession #226

I am no longer with you out of love, respect, admiration, or even friendship. I only stay with you out of a sense of obligation. I no longer daydream of making love to you on the beach. Now, I daydream about you telling me you have found someone else and you are moving out. That dream makes me giddy with happiness.

Confession #227

I don't trust you.
And you don't care.

Confession #228

When I ask you to do something please, no wait strike the please... JUST DO IT. I'm not your housekeeper, laundry washer, and personal chef. When I have to ask you 2 or 3 times and I get that stupid salute you think is funny I want to kick you in your ONE BALL.

Confession #229

Sometimes I am in awe of how dumb you are....I can't believe you did
not pay the gas bill because you thought it was on automatic draft and
now dumbfuck...we have no gas!!!! You can run an entire empire, but
can't fucking pay the damn gas bill.


Confession #230

I honestly think that if I asked you to choose between me and the TV and computer games, you'd choose the TV and computer games.

Monday, July 17, 2006

True Wife Confessions Catch 22

Confession #211

You were such a jerk, and you made me so angry and miserable in the days leading up to our wedding day, and on the day itself, that I almost didn't go through with our wedding. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been knocked up already. I spent the entire day of our wedding terrified that I was making the worst mistake of my life, wanting to vomit, forcing myself to smile. I already wanted to divorce you before we even got home from the marriage license office. Thankfully it wasn't a mistake to marry you; I loved you then, and I love you now, and our marriage has actually turned out very well. But this is why I never want to do anything on our anniversary-- I don't even want to think about that day; it was one of the worst days of my life. I wish I could erase the memory from my mind.

Confession #212

We've been together for 12 years. After 10 years of finding a new roll of toilet paper precariously balanced on top of the empty cardboard roll, I decided we did not need toilet paper holders anymore. I didn't do it because I wanted to keep up with the trends. You can be a real jerk sometimes.

Confession #213

I do ALL of the work inside of the house, ALL of the yard work, ALL of the dog's duties, AND I work 40+ per week. I shoot daggers at you every weekend while you sleep in until 10am then get up and surf Myspace for 2 hours until lunch.

Confession #214

You CAN'T take credit for housework when you make the kids do it.

Confession #215

How is it that even when you do something as menial as boil water on the stove, you manage to use EVERY pot and pan that we own?? I swear, you went in to make a sandwich, and the kitchen is now a disaster area.

Confession #216

I have been married to you for 12 years and have loved you for 3 of them. I am only staying married to you for our child who adores you. I find you ignorant, slow, and you can't read very well either.

Confession #217

You're not fooling me with your "dumb male" act. You're an intelligent man-- you're easily as smart as I am, and I know with absolute certainty that after three years of living with me you are in fact capable of remembering where in my dresser I keep my pajamas and socks. So stop leaving them stacked on the bed when you fold the laundry, as if you have no idea where they go. Ditto the serving dishes you ALWAYS leave stacked on the counter when you unload the dishwasher. I've been keeping that ceramic platter, that cut glass bowl that chip-and-dip set in exactly the same cabinet for a year and a half now, and it would take you no more than two seconds to put them away. And don't even get me started on your spurious claim that you can't ever find the paper towels when it's time to replace an empty roll. There are ALWAYS paper towels in the linen closet, and they are always on the same shelf, right below the shelf where you keep extra bottles of your shaving cream and shampoo.

Confession #218

Why do I have to remind YOU to call the dealer to make an oil change appointment on the new PT Cruiser you wanted more than anything?

Confession #219

Honey, I love you - I really do - but the fact that you can not do anything like RSVP for any child's birthday party or invitation to play galls me. Regardless of how well you know the other family, you make me handle all the details. For such a liberated man, this is one bizarre throwback trait.

Confession #220

wish that for every hour your spent on your computer you'd spend 20 minutes with me. We used to talk to each other for hours. And I miss that.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

True Wife Confessions Age 21, and wants to buy you a round

Confession #201

When you ask me to "help" with your resume and job application and I "forget" about the deadline, it's really just my passive-aggressive way of saying "I'm not your fucking mother, and I will not do this for you. A grown man should be able to figure this shit out on his own."

Oh, and I really, really like making more money than you.

Confession #202

You don’t know this honey….but I dip your toothbrush in the toilet! You want to talk shit to me…suffer the consequences! It never dawns on your dumb ass that you have a fresh toothbrush every couple of weeks???? And that there are some days that I would rather hang myself then kiss you???

Confession #203

I told you that of course I love your son (my stepson) but I’m really counting the days until he moves the hell out of MY house. When you are not around, we ignore each other.

Confession #204

I have slept with three married men in my life. Only one of them while I was married, and that, was my husband. The others were yours. I'm not sorry. You don't deserve them.

Confession #205

I realize you perform hard, physical labor at your job, and that I do not. However, I went to college and my job is mentally exhausting. The fact that your body is tired does not give you a free pass on all housework. If your attitude doesn't change, I will leave your ass someday

Confession #206

Every day you come home and ask me, "Did we get any mail?". And every day, I
resist the urge to kick you in the balls. If you get any mail, I leave it
for you. If you didn't, it's not there. I know you want to believe that it's
hidden away just to piss you off, I'm sure. I'm so tired of that question!!

Confession #207

Don't get mad if you wake up in the morning and I'm not laying next to you. There are times you are so flatulant that the noise and smell not only wake me up but KEEP me up. And my only recourse is to move to another bedroom to get some sleep. You're worse than the damn dog when she's had too much people food!

Confession #208

You are right when you say you do not know how to dance. I'm just being nice when I tell you that you are a good dancer. You're really not.

Confession #209

I found out what kind of porn you look at online. It gives me an entirely new perspective on who you are and I find the things that turn you on absolutely disgusting. Its made me question our entire marriage and and now every time you touch me my skin crawls and I feel physically ill because I think you are truly sick. Its even made me unsure of what kind of father you will be and I don't know if we should have children until you get help about this. The worst part is that I don't feel like I can talk to you about it. And I still love you so much.

Confession #210

Why do you feel the need to grab my ass EVERY single time you walk past me? It gets old. Fast.

Friday, July 14, 2006

True Wife Confessions 20/20 - same as hindsight

Confession #191

I sometimes wish you would be hit by a bus, but only if you push your mother in front of it first.

I hate your mother. I hate the fact that your fear of her is stronger than your self-respect or your love for me. I hate sharing my home with her. I hate having her constantly hovering over us, especially when you're not home and I'm alone with the kids and she's constantly double-checking to make sure I'm not off on the corner smoking crack with my pimp and leaving them alone to play in traffic. I hate the fact that she might outlive you. I hate the fact that my hatred of her is sometimes as strong as my love for you.

Confession #192

Don't get all pissy at ME when I don't mail the bills out. YOU gave them
to me at the last minute and said they HAD to be mailed out TODAY. YOU
waited until the LAST DAY to pay them and expected ME to drop everything
to mail them. You want them out TODAY? Mail them out today your OWN
SELF!! Know how to use a stamp? GOOD!!

Confession #193

On your days off don't call me at the office to pretend to ask me how my day is going. I hear the cupboards slamming, I hear the refrigerator door. So it's no shock to me that as soon as you get the pleasantries over with you ask me if there's anything to eat, or what you should have for lunch. I swear to god you will forever be 8 years old. But the thing is you're 33 years old, and I am not your mother. So grow the fuck up and make yourself a sandwich.

Confession #194

You know what, asshole? I'm sick and tired of being the one to find and
kill the mouse. I'm tired of being the one to relight the pilot light
or being the one to refill the propane tank because you're too fucking
scared you'll blow up. Guess I'm the disposable one, eh? I'm also damn
sick of being the shield you use to deflect conflict from your fucked
up family. I kept your house, cooked your meals, washed your clothes,
jacked you off (and got nothing in return but a sticky hand), and put
up with your infidelity. NO MORE, ASSWIPE! I'm beyond done with you.
Your psycho mother can have you back. Tell her to bring out that while
dress she wore to our wedding; she'll need it to marry you.

Confession #195

If we lived closer, I would be in his arms right now instead of yours.

Confession #196

I know you married me out of a sense of duty because I was pregnant. I know I drive you crazy. I know I can't cook or clean and am a terrible housewife. I know I can be incredibly moody and irritable. I know I don't compare to your ex-wife. I know you don't love me. But thank you for not saying it out loud.

Confession #197

Quit wetting the bed and pretending it didn't happen or acting like you don't know why it happened. It happens every time you drink half a bottle of whiskey before bed, which has been at least once a week for the last two and a half years.

Confession #198

Farting is not that funny. Especially when you do it. Then it's just disgusting. I swear you must be eating beans all day long at work, because your gas is beyond toxic.

Confession #199

I really wish you'd do something about all of that back hair. Its really gross.

Confession #200

It makes me uneasy -- how you are able to just turn your emotions on and off like a switch. It makes me wonder how much I can trust you.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

True Wife Confessions Numbah 19, Numbah 19

Confession #181

All those times I said I wasn't happy with our marriage? I really meant those. It was NOT a time of the month thing, I have outgrown you. Did I ever think I'd cheat on you? No. Am I ? Yes. And I don't feel guilty because I am finally feeling like a successful, appreciated, caring, talented woman that someone adores. All those nights I'm with you, I'm thinking of him. And if I go away to visit a friend or take a long afternoon shopping, I'm not where you think I am. And you are so spineless I wonder if you found out, if you'd even do anything about it. I have a feeling you'd let it occur right under your nose just so I wouldn't leave you

Confession #182

Why won’t I have sex you? The correct question is why would I ?

Confession #183

When you fall asleep watching TV on the sofa, I run upstairs to the computer and type very quietly with the lights off, so I don't wake you. If you do wake up, I shut off the monitor and quickly hop into bed, so that you think I haven't been on the computer all night.

Confession #184

My worst fear is that one morning you'll wake up and realize that you are too good for me and that I don't deserve you. But I never fear that you will leave me, because you have been nothing but a wonderful husband and father to our child. I know you will never do anything to hurt us. You really are my hero.

Confession #185

If you make a promise, keep it. I keep mine. If you don't have what it takes to be a man of your word, don't run your mouth.

Stop expecting me to feel sorry for you with all of your ailments. They are all self-inflicted. Yes, that's what happens when you don't brush your teeth or have good hygiene. You're not fooling anybody, everyone else knows that too.

I no longer have an interest in getting you off because you show no interest in getting me off.

Yes, you have a job. Get over it. Everyone has to work. Either change careers or stop whining and complaining. Guess what? Everyone you're complaining to just came from work too!

If you don't start to address the projects around the house that need your attention, I will call someone and have it taken care of. I don't care if it IS what you do.

If buying me gifts for the holidays is such a problem, don't do it anymore. I'll take the cash. I can't take another holiday of you waiting until the last minute to shop and coming home with things I never asked for because that's all you could find in the last 10 minutes the store was open.

I know I didn't marry Romeo BUT after nearly 20 years you do have to spring for a getaway at some point. If you choose not to again when our 20th anniversary rolls around, I will plan my own getaway and leave you at home, alone.

Yes, you have a problem gambling when you spend as much time doing that as you do working.

Please try to remember that there are other people around you. They have feelings too. Treat others like you would like to be treated. The world does not revolve around you.

Confession #186

I have never loved you.....I only married you because I was afraid I'd be alone forever. I wish I would have known that being married to you would make me feel more alone than ever...

Confession #187

I read your emails, all of them. Even the ones you don't think I know about

Confession #188

I watch porn ocassionally, not because I am sick or twisted or have some sort of fetish. I watch it, because I figure at least the porn stars are getting some...more often than I am. I only dream sex could be that good and lengthy.

Confession #189

The mornings when you let me sleep in while you take care of the child win you more points than just about anything else you could do.

Confession #190

You are a whiny bitch on family trips and when we have company. I miss having a social life that involves you.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

True Wife Confessions 18, Fully Legal

Confession #171

i've kissed 3 men since we've been married. i thought i was falling for two
of them. after realizing that it was only you i wanted, i stopped what i was
doing. you still dont know about it. and i will never tell you. because i
have a feeling you've done the same thing. and i can only hope that you
realized the same thing i realized and stopped what you were doing.

Confession #172

I find you repulsive. If you have a drive to take care of your family, perhaps you would be having more sex, big boy...

Confession #173

Remember when you took me out for our second date to the movies? While the credits were rolling I said, "Thank you", not "I love you" like you thought because you looked surprised and said, "I love you too". So when you tease me by saying, "You told me you loved me first and only after two dates", like I was so desperate and needy, you're just being an ass. I just never told you the truth. And I wasn't in love with you then.

Confession #174

I think about my exes. A LOT.

Confession #175

I hate being your wife. I've given you so many chances to get your act
together. I'm tired of being patient & stupid. I'm still here because you
took away the car keys so I can't make a midnight escape with the baby.
That & you threaten to take the baby away from me & I know you & your family
would do it. I'm stuck. For now.

Confession #176

I would give just about anything if you would (a) plan
something fun for us to do w/o being prompted by me,
and (b) notice when a chore around the house needs to
be done and not wait for me to ask you. You don't
realize that the resentment I feel about these two
issues is severely eroding our relationship.

Confession #177

I rarely let you get up with the baby anymore. It's not worth it. Because the 20 minutes of sleep you lost transfers into 3 hours of crankiness that I just can't tolerate. So I get up myself-after 5 minutes, I'm over it. You should get over it, too. You helped create her, so stop treating her like an inconvenience.

Confession #178

my husband sucks in bed and has made no attempt to try to get better. I am angry about it.

Confession #179

I have porn videos, even though you hate them. Whenever you spend the night at the shore with your buddies, I always get so inwardly excited because I get to watch them, ALONE!

Confession #180

Sometimes I hate you. Mainly because of your refusal to do more than the bare minimum to interact with and entertain our kids. You think you are a good dad and husband because you change a few diapers and occasionally take ONE kid somewhere with you. I am with these kids 14 hours per day while you work. On your days off all you do is sit in front of the computer or playstation, while I run around in circles trying to keep the two-year-old and five-year-old busy. You are always on the prowl for a way to leave the house and go have some beer with your buddy. You are so exhausted you sleep through the kids getting up, but yet you are ready to go for sex. And you wonder why you never get any.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

True Wife Confessions (Sexy and) 17

Confession #161

You are a better father than I ever hoped.

Confession #162

I hate that every time you come from work you leave your keys where every you first sit your ass down. I even put a key hanger by the front door so there would be no need to search the house 50 times over and finally find your keys in the bathroom next to the toilet. Yes, most of the time I know where your keys are, but I figure at the least I can laugh to myself watching you search for them and you are late for work every morning. Is it really that hard....Come on. And when you lost my keys and made me hours late for work looking and finally finding them BEHIND our entertainment center, I really wanted to hurt you when you came home and you didn't even care. Thanks.

Confession #163

I am not your personal errand girl. Just because I am off for the summer does not mean that my new job is to run to the bank, bring you lunch, get the oil changed on both cars, do the grocery shopping, and do all of my usual chores. I'm on vacation. If you wanted two months off, you should have gotten a degree in teaching. I'm on vacation, buddy-leave me the hell alone.

Confession #164

If you touch my ass again while I am loading the dishwasher, I will deck you. Seriously. If you want to get some, quit groping and grab and dish and put it away-not that you know which cabinet the dishes belong in. You'd get a lot farther in the bedroom if you gave a little more in the rest of the house, you lazy ass.

Confession #165

You proposed because I was pregnant. I accepted because I was pregnant. Our child will be 18 soon, and I am SO OUT OF HERE!!

Confession #166

I did not get a job to get insurance. I got it to save money so I can leave you. You didn't appreciate me when I stayed at home with the kids, you don't appreciate me now that I'm working. Maybe you'll appreciate me when I'm gone.

Confession #167

When I asked you to dress our baby last winter, and you came downstairs dressed in warm socks, boots, long underwear, heavy jeans, two shirts and a parka, and handed me our son in a short sleeve cotton onesie I wanted to hit you and ask "WTF are you STUPID?"

Confession #168

Much as I love sex with you, it's better with the lights off because if
I'm pretending you're someone else, I can also pretend I'm looking into
his eyes.

Confession #169

I really loved it when you used to work out of town. I could go and do whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to without checking with the "head office", without putting up with your pissing and moaning. I could tolerate it when you started working intown, enjoying at least the daytime to myself, but now that you are home all the time, I am about to lose my mind. The only time I have for ME is the 30 minute drive to and from work. I am really sorry you hurt your back, but I am REALLY sick of hearing the whole damn scenario for the 5,000th time, complete with all the details of how much pain you are in.You act like no one in the world has ever experienced your pain--hell, you are zoned out on morphine so much of time, it's a wonder you know what pain is. And wash a dish? Pick up your dirty socks? That would cut into your free time, wouldn't it? And don't think that that I mind that the medicine has given you ED---It is a welcome excuse for me not to have to make it with a slob like you. It's been 34 years of torture pretending that you turn me on. I should get an Oscar for the acting job I have given. You never have known that you don't do it for me!

Confession #170

We are in love. Deeply, madly, painfully. Our souls are one in the
same. When we are in different physical locations, our souls are
still united and we are together. We get it.

We will never be together. Ever. Why? Because I married you. I love
you. I always have and always will. The love I have for you is
secure and it is comfortable. It is easy. You are an amazing father
to our son and the kind of husband that women wish for.

You are just not him. I never knew that the mad passionate love that
the movies extol existed. He has become apart of our family. He is
the best friend to my brothers and a son my parents have adopted as
one of their own. He is in our lives daily. I love him, I love him,
I love him.

I love you too. Just differently. I will be with you forever. I will
never leave you and I will never physically betray you. I will fight
my heart and mind and keep you in the forefront and not him. You
deserve the promises I made to you on our wedding day and you will
get them. I wish I could tell you every now and then when you ask me
what's wrong that my heart is hurting and it's fighting for you.

Every holiday, birthday, family vacation, celebration, I wish I
could tell you that I will be fully enjoying our family. Me, you, and
our son. I know that I will be looking across the room at him and his
girlfriend and he will meet my eyes and something unspoken will pass
between us. It will always be there.

He has my soul and you have my heart. I love you and I am committed
to you. You are the hero in my life. He never will be. As much as I
hate that, I find comfort in you.

I love you.

Monday, July 10, 2006

True Wife Confessions Sweet 16

Confession #151

hey, look, you cheated on me when we were dating. Do I forgive you, 4 years later? No. Did I forget? No. Do I hate you for it? Yes. Do I wonder why I married you? Yes. And then the answer strikes me. I married you because it's what people expected. However, if you cheat on me again, I will cut your penis off. fucker.

Confession #152

Yes, they really are making fun of you because of what you chose to say or do.

Confession #153

When I tell you yelling at a two year old doesn't work why do you insist upon an hour long explanation why? And then still not believe me? I am with these kids all day long every day and you are hardly here. You overreact. You think the kids should act like your coworkers. THEY ARE KIDS. THEY ACT LIKE KIDS! Don't treat them like they are doing it just to piss you off.

Confession #154

When you tweek my nipples for 3 seconds flat as if you're adjusting the
burner on your manly gas grill, do NOT ask me if I'm ready yet. I will
always respond, "not if you want it wet!" It's offensive that you spend
more effort on working up a good bowel movement than you do on foreplay

Confession #155

Your friends not coming around anymore has nothing to do with me like you say. Most all of them still stop by to chat when you're not home. They don't like how you treat them. And by the way, you're losing me friends and embarrassing me.

Confession #156

Yes, you have a job. Get over it. Everyone has to work. Either change careers or stop whining and complaining. Guess what? Everyone you're complaining to just came from work too!

Confession #157

During the last "Vomiting vacation", you cleaned up all the vomit in the bedroom while I comforted the child. That meant a alot to me. It really did.

Confession #158

I hate the fact that you're a drunk, , you spend your money on booze and I have to pay the bills. I hate having to force you to pay the bills.

We cant rely on your mommy forever you know. What are you going to do when she dies?
I hate that you lie to me and say you get our son up at 7:30 am when I know you don't get him up til about 9 ( geeze I wonder why he won't go to bed at night!) and I can't do anything about it because I am at work by that time. Why because I work at a really sucky job that I hate because you are to lazy and irresponsible to get a real job ( and keep it) and take care of your family.
Why do I pay most of the bills. Didn't you brag about how your wife would never work how you want your wife to stay home and take care of the kids and have dinner on the table as soon as you walk through the door ( yes that was me laughing )
Why do you think waving your member in my face is a turn on ( eww) and that asking me to look is the way to initiate sex? Then you just lay there. What you think your so wonderful that you don't even have to move and I am turned on?
Why am I with you again.

Confession #159

You smashed my nose in a drunken rage. You scared the shit out of me and
your precious, innocent daughter.

You have NO fucking idea how lucky you are to not be in jail right now. You
would be if I didn't need your money.

Welcome to life in the backseat, jackass. Life is never going to be the

Confession #160

You're everything I want,
You're everythign I need...
I want you to be my life consuming passion.
Everything my heart desires
I find it all in you, you're my true one and only.
Never let go of me for noone will love you as I do.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

True Wife Confessions #15 - Spicy noodles with egg roll

Confession #141

I hate how you never clean up the bathroom sink. You leave hair all over it. You spit in it and don’t bother to rinse. Once, when you were being a jerk, I took your toothbrush and cheerfully cleaned the scum from the sink. Then I laughed on the inside when you told me how nice the sink looked. And I laughed even harder because you were brushing your teeth while you told me.

Confession #142

Dude, when you use the master bathroom with the door open without the fan on and your stench bubbles the paint on the walls? That's just disgusting. So when you emerge from your nightly shit and start to rub on me and breathe all heavy in my ear? I turn you down because you made our room reek and romance is the last thing on my mind, not because of the ailment du jour I pretend to have. A word or two of advice. Shut the door, turn on the fan, and Oust spray. You might get more action that way.

Confession #143

I wish you'd get some friends of your own so you didn't just sit around the house all weekend being bored.

Confession #144

It cracks me up how you've been on my ass for YEARS to work out and lose weight. Now that I have lost weight and work out almost every day? You don't. Does this mean I can start making noises about how much weight you've gained and how big your ass has gotten? Have some more ice cream, honey.

Confession #145

You asked me if I wanted to be a swinger four weeks after our son was born. what the fuck do you think the answer was going to be? bet you didn't think it was gonna be yes. why? because I think you watching me fuck someone else will break your heart as much as you have smashed mine in the past. besides, you are a lousy lover. always have been.

Confession #146

I am having an affair with someone that I meet. It is COMPLETELY about the sex. Quite honestly, I am getting a little bored with you and I needed a little something different. I am not planning on leaving you. I meet him during my lunch break for a quickie 2-3 times a week. He never complains and he doesn't whine when I don't call him or when I tell him I am too busy to meet him that day.

Confession #147

If I come home from work early because I don't feel good it's because I DON'T FEEL GOOD. It doesn't mean YOU get to take a three hour nap and I get to take care of the baby. It also doesn't mean you get to throw a temper trantrum because I fall asleep at 10:30 when I've been up since 5 a.m.

Confession #148

If I tell you I have started my period that morning, leave me alone. No, I don't want to have sex. No, I don't want to do ANYTHING, I just want to lie still and wait for the ibuprofen to work. Your best bet? Tip toe out and leave me alone with a book. Or offer me a candy bar.

Confession #149

Taking a shower once a week because you want to get laid does not make you attractive. Take a shower daily for more than three days and then we'll talk.

Confession #150

That time you took care of me after I had my wisdom teeth out? That was love. Changing the dressing in my mouth? True love. I can't tell you how much ground you made up in that week. I needed you and you came through. Plus you never complain about buying tampons. Yes, I'm noticing.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

True Wife Confessions Fo-teen

Confession #131

During that awful lunch with your mother before we got married, when she was
trying to get me to break up with you, she told me, "Once a liar, always a
liar. He'll lie to you for the rest of your life. It's a shame you don't
have more respect for yourself than to marry someone who lies to you." I
was incensed on your behalf at the time, but sometimes I look at you and
wonder if she wasn't right. I hope not, but then you lie about something
else, usually something stupid. I wish you would just be honest with me.

Confession #132

I have a secret blog where I vent about how crazy you make me.

Confession #133

Sometimes I know you want sex but play dumb because you won't just come out and ask me if we can have sex.

Confession #134

Silly man. All you have to do to get more sex is shower more often. Who wants to have sex with a man who hasn't showered since the last time you had sex?

Confession #135

When you tell me not to worry my pretty little head about all the secrets you keep I worry more, asshole.Your declarations of love mean nothing talk is cheap.

Confession #136 keep talking about cutting your hair off know...that's okay. It's been short before and you have great hair be it long or short. But can I just tell you that when you mention the possibility of shaving your head like Peter Frampton?? Dude, you SO don't have the head for it. Remember when your brother shaved his head? Just a little too skinhead/front porch of Deliverance/brain surgery kind of look for my taste. And the men in your family just don't have heads that are shaped the right way for that kind of haircut. Here's my rule: KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR LIMITS. And another thing...the thing with all the hats? You and your brothers gotta stop wearing them. Just....stop.

Confession #137

It pisses me off how you become Mr. Wonderful when my friends come around. The second they arrive, you offer to make dinner and let me "relax, because I deserve it". They see this wonderful man and tell me constantly how lucky I am, because their men never offer to cook. When they leave, you go back to your lazy-ass self and do nothing. They say all those great things about you when you're in earshot, but they have your number, and so do I. They know you're really a lazy jerk who is just trying to put on a good show.

Confession #138

I'm not a wife so I don't know if my confession can really count, but the
fact that we have been together for 11 years and living together for almost
6 years and you say that I am the one for you and you know how lucky you are
to have me and blah, blah, blah, but you still (still!) have not proposed to
me? That really hurts. And makes me feel like the dumbest woman alive.

Confession #139

I know I hurt you in the past but there is only so much I can do to make it up to you. At some point you're going to have to accept that I am sorry and move on. You can't keep blaming me for your off-the-handle-rage at the most innocuous of things. When you get this way I feel psychologically abused. I know you didn't want to hear me say that last night, but I had to. It was the only way to get through to you. You say you're getting over it and that you don't need counselling but I am getting to the end of my rope. If changes don't start to happen soon I'll have to leave, it's the only way I can respect myself. I will not accept the fact that you've made me the root of all of your problems.

Confession #140

I know you're telling all your friends that you have no idea why we're getting a divorce, but they all know it's because of your porn addiction and total unwillingness to be a little less self-absorbed.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

True Wife Confessions 13th edition, at Crystal Lake

Confession #121

After you left your wife to be with me, you somehow, mysteriously, turned me into her. So I left you and found myself.

Confession #122

I know you've forgiven your mother for leaving you as a child, but I will always hate her for it. And although I may seem charming when she's around, all I can think about is slapping her face. She doesn't deserve to have a son like you.

Confession #123

It's astounding to me that you can get all pissy and pouty like a 5 year old who's mother has said No treats when I say no most every morning to your daily request of "wanna be on top". You have turned sex into yet another chore I must do in order to keep peace in the house. And then when I decide I'm ready for some lovin' ... you punish me for not having been "on top" that morning and we BOTH go without pleasure. And I thought I was the high-maintenance one!

Confession #124

Sometimes I read your e-mail, especially the ones from the female high school friend you keep in touch with. It hurts me to know how many of our marriage problems you share with her, but I don't have the guts to tell you what I know.

Confession #125

My parents think we have the perfect marriage because I never talk to them about you and you never see them. If that changed, they'd probably hate you.

Confession #126

I have no idea how you got into medical school, much less graduated, with your lousy work eithic.

Confession #127

We both know that it is my job and salary that has carried us for years. I just know that it would deflate your manly ego if we acknowledged that I am the main earner. I allow you to have your own business, but my patience is growing very, very thin.

Confession #128

Sometimes I don't think that I'm in love with you. Sometimes I think it's a waste of both of our time for us to still be married. However, most of the time, I still think of you as a good friend, so I think I'll remain married for now. I'm worried that it will be just friendship for the rest of our lives though. I'm not sure if I can live with that.

Confession #129

I know you don't think I'm serious about leaving you if we don't get back into counseling. For the record, I've never been more serious.

Confession #130

If God forbid, something happened to you. I don't think our son would ever see your family again. They are overly judgemental and mean and I cringe when they just touch him.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

True Wife Confessions Etude 12

Confession #111

Your best friend hit on me, pretty hard. I was strangely flattered and offended at the same time.

Confession #112

Why do I have to leave the house for you to bathe, feed, and put the kids to bed? Couldn't you do it just once or twice a week? After all, that's still 5 or 6 days less than I'd be doing it. Ass.

Confession #113

I've spent waaay more while you've been away these five months, than I
will ever tell you, ever. I also let our daughter watch hours of t.v.
And I drink too much. And smoke quite a bit more than you imagine, as
well. And the worst part? I don't really give a shit.

Confession #114

Your stomping and pouting are no longer cute. Suck it up and learn how to manage your anger. A man in his mid 40's should have better coping skills than those you display.

Confession #115

When I ask you to change a diaper, it's not out of spite. I just want you to change a damn diaper. I work too, you're not the only one, and I know damn well that you can smell that shitty diaper the same as I can.

Confession #116

I am in love with another man. I will be leaving you..sooner then I thought. You never seen it coming.

Confession #117

I have to admit that it is reassuring to hear you get impatient with the girls. I love listening to you sighing with exasperation and unable to form complete sentences because of whatever they've done. It helps me remember that my own impatience with them does not mean that I'm crazy.

Confession #118

When we thought our infertilty was because of your crappy sperm, I seriously considered leaving you.

Confession #119

I think your mom is the world's worst mother for the way she raised you and your siblings. There aren't any excuses for the things she did, and I'm never going to like her. Ever.

Confession #120

I tell everyone that you are the best and that there is no one in the world
like you, but when we have sex and I close my eyes, it's never you I see.
The memory of my old college boyfriend comforts me in our bed and sometimes
on the computer after I google him and track down his old friends so that I
know snippets of his life. He's an obsession.

Monday, July 03, 2006

True Wife Confessions E-Lev-En

Confession #101

Your inane, incessant questions are not only annoying to me, but also to
your children. I have coached them into just nodding and responding with, "I
have no idea." Shut up, already.

Confession #102

I hate you when you ask the question, "What's for dinner?" It makes me want
to punch you in the mouth. Why should it matter? You are going to eat it,
whatever it is, because you know that it would be a cold day in hell before
you cooked your own dinner or missed a meal.

Confession #103

It was really not fun when your dad came to visit and, instead of "Hello", the first thing he said to me was "What's for dinner?", at 9 pm, as I was just stepping in after a day of work, school and being pregnant. Did I mention I hate him?

Confession #104

Since I have to drive you to work and pick you up (as you refuse to get a driver's license while we are overseas), and since your workday starts at varying times, and since sometimes you want to get to work earlier than other times, when I ask what time you want to leave the house, tell me what time we want to LEAVE THE F*CKING HOUSE, not what time you are expected to report for duty. If I say "what time do you want to LEAVE tomorrow morning?" and you say "7:00," don't freak out on me at 5:45am when you are ready to leave for the 15 minute drive to work and I'm not even dressed yet.

Confession #105

If you want help, Ask for help. Staring at me from across the room does not communicate that you need help. I don't read your mind. I don't even WANT to read your mind. Open you mouth and say "Can you help me?" The child gets it, you should too.

Confession #106

If I work all day and you've played video games all day, and I come home and cook dinner, and you say "leave the dishes, I'll get them" and then they are still in the sink when I start trying to cook breakfast, and you say "I'll do the dishes after breakfast," don't be surprised if I'm slamming around and washing dishes and being curt with you. I can't make your damn breakfast if the pan I need is still dirty and in the sink under a pile of dinner dishes.

Confession #107

Do not ask me questions when I am half asleep and then act suprised when I get pissy about them. I was ALMOST asleep. Now I am not. I am not happy. If you see me in the "International position for being asleep" I suggest you leave me alone.

Confession #108

Giving me "the look" at bedtime isn't ever going to put me in the mood. I get up at dawn after going to bed at 11 p.m., then spend all day trying to get work done while our kids tug at me, demanding my time and attention. Then you come home and want something from me as well. Want to know the most effective foreplay in the world? You cleaning up after dinner, feeding the dogs, bathing the kids, picking up the their mess and putting the them to bed instead of me doing it.

Confession #109

Dear husband, I am so tired & sleepy by the time you get home from work
around 11:30 at night, I really wish you'd just go to bed when you get
home, and go to sleep instead of turning on that damn television and
letting it blare to all hours of the night and early morning.

Don't you know a girl needs her beauty sleep and believe me honey, it
wouldn't hurt you to get a little of it too, you're starting to get bags
under your eyes and I've noticed a bit of yawning when I wake you up for
work at 4:00 in the morning. Please sugar face, honey bunch... just keep
the damn television OFF!

Confession #110

The largest part of your ego, personality, and relationship with others is based on the knowledge that you are “hung”. If you ever lost your penis, you would probably cease to exist.
And I hate having sex with you because it hurts.