Monday, December 22, 2008

True Wife Confessions 277 Elvira

Confession #2761

Baby, you make me feel so very loved. Every girl in the world should feel this good. The way you touch me you make me feel so very loved I wish every girl could feel as wonderful my dear.
I Love you

Confession #2762

I know you hate the "cutting down the tree" tradition - but you do it, and are only minimally crabby about it. Thank you

Confession #2763

I said I would remain faithful but I’m slowly changing my mind. My male friends are looking better each day, sometimes I daydream of what it would be like to touch their skin, placing my lips all over their body and I do not feel guilty, I feel lonely and defiant. I appreciate your ignoring my attempts at affection they help me to realize your dislike or dissatisfaction for me and believe it or not I am perfectly ok with this because I’m also unhappy with you. Sometimes I wish you would leave me this way I won’t have to make the first move.

Confession #2764

For the first time in your adult life you are facing a very painful situation. I am sad for you. But I am also kind of glad, because maybe you will be able to relate to me better. Maybe you will see that my occasional sadness isn't a "weird mood"; sadness is a normal reaction when things remind me of ugly past events, people I have lost, and truths I now know. I hope you keep some of your bravado though.

Confession #2765

I saw him today. The man that made me what I am. The beginning of my foray into adulthood. The man who gave and took away. The man I thought I could never put down, never absorb enough of, the first man to make me cry, the first man I made cry.

I once believed I could not breathe if he wasn't near me. I couldn't live if he wasn't mine or even some semblance of such. But I found I was stronger. I found I was better for it, better for knowing, better for leaving. I needed to let go, I needed to grow. I needed what he couldn't/wouldn't give me. I needed myself.

But he still stops my breath. Do I love him? No, I haven't for years. I know that I never will again. Friends? I've never been good with that with anyone. Friends with someone who knows me, knows why I do, and what I do, what I want, and I will? I can't go back there anymore. I won't.

I have more now. I have someone I can and do love. Someone who wants all of me. Someone who will take no less, and no more. Someone who lets me live and learn, someone who loves me for what I am. For better or worse, he is the man that makes me the woman I've always wanted to be. The woman that I needed to be.

So if for nothing else, thank you. Thank you for the memories, the lessons learned, thank you for giving me myself.

Confession #2766

We finally did it. We finally had one whole day and night together. I dont know how the stars aligned to allow us to do this and get away with it but they did and i'm glad and i dont feel one bit of guilt or shame. I swear I'm not a cold woman, just a taken-for-granted married woman. We've had a years worth of quickie's here and there, whenever we could get away but that one night, 2 nights ago, trumps them all. The attention and affection we have for each other, when we can, in public, in a town where we know no one, far away from home is unbelievable. Our sex, unbelievable. Waking up next to you, with everybit of your arms and body surrounding me, produces the most unbelievable feeling i think i've experienced in 10 years. I will never leave my family for you and you'll never leave yours for me. I dont think it would be this great if we did. But those few nights i expect we'll have in the next few years will keep me refueled in managing my marriage. Just, thank you so much for giving me that, for holding me like that, for lusting me with such uncontrollable want. Thanks for making me feel like a million dollars for 36 hours.

Confession #2767

i don't know what happened exactly. i'm not sure i could even pin point when even it did. i just know something changed inside of me, like i'd been asleep for the past six years and i suddenly woke up. i can't put up with your shit anymore. no more head games and mind tricks. i'm tired of feeling worthless and small. i'm tired of being belittled and bullied around. i'm tired of being told i'm weak. i'm not. i can't say what made me realize it but i know will be so much better off without you.

i just hope we get this over with soon. fast and quick. i want the papers signed. i want you out of my life for good. i cannot wait to be alone.

i wish i could fast forward to years down the road... my family, my friends, me... we'll all have forgotten you. and we'll be all the more better for it.

i thank god every day that we didn't have kids. it makes this all so much easier.

Confession #2768

You cheated on your gf with me. I knew that it wasn't the kind of man that you are. Your email to me today only confirms that. I feel so bad... in a way I feel like the only reason why you did cheat was because of all the things that i said to you. I also feel so hurt because up until now you are all that I think about. You told me that we could still talk but just not bout that. I said ok but what exactly are we supposed to talk about. We weren't friends before and your with someone. You don't even call me from your cell phone. You call me from your house number. So obviously your dealing with me is going to remain a secret. A mutual friend of ours invited me out tonight but your gonna be there with your gf. I could never do that to you but more importantly I could never do that to myself. It would hurt me so badly to see you with someone else. Mainly because I have wished for so long that I was that somebody. Of course no one knows about this and I swear I will never tell a single soul. I leave next week for vacation and that could not have come at a better time. I hope being away from here will give me some perspective. I hope if need be it will help me to move on and get past everything.

Confession #2769

I think I am starting to forgive you. When we went to your work Christmas party and everyone kept saying what a woman I was for putting up with you, and one wanted to shake the hand of the woman who married you, I kind of liked it. I know you are crazy, I know you believe in what you believe in with all your heart, and you are vocal about it. Loudly. You also have the best safety record in all the nation and part of that is because of you. Because you care. The more the night went on and the pictures and the talk, I became more and more proud of you and who you are. You are MY husband. How lucky am I??? You put up with me, too. All I believe in, my bullshit and you trust my opinions. Doesn't' mean I fully trust you all the time still, but I think we may be on the road to redemption....
Now don't' get crazy, but I think I may love you again.
Love Me

Confession #2770

If I have to muddle through the holidays where we can please neither sides of our families; at least I can muddle through them with you. I am so glad I am not alone in how frustrated I get with them. On one hand, my mother criticizes us for even celebrating and on the other, your mother makes no effort to ever join us. Yet she sits in her lonely chair, in her decimated house and grumps that no one comes to visit her. How she can even live in that place, I will never know. I love her for giving me a fantastic husband, but if I knew her casually, we would not be friends. My mom drives me insane with her constant Salvation on a Cracker Crusade. It is so comforting that I can turn to you and gripe and have you understand what I am feeling.

I wish I could give you so many things this Christmas but it is also so comforting to know that you really don't want anything. We are both incredibly lucky to be together and to have our kids. Every day is like Christmas when I can be with the 3 of you.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

True Wife Confessions 276 cocoa mini-marshmallows

Confession #2751

I love the way you soothe me. I am amazed that you have learned that just touching me - holding me, rubbing my back, will calm me down in a way that all the words in the world can't do for me. I am amazed that you have figured this out in less than 2 years with me when my prior partner had nearly 20 years ( with me telling him) and never seemed to be able to understand that I simply needed to be Held. My love, you are everything to me.

Confession #2752

I was dating a wonderful man who thought he was over the divorce and the way his ex-wife had ended their relationship. We were happy, very much in love, more so than I ever thought possible. He was wonderful to my children, his girls were great towards me. His family loved to see how happy he was with me, and my family felt the same way.

His ex didn't like the fact that he was moving on. When they got divorced she got a large settlement to pay for their daughters college educations. She spent the money in 18 months. When she realized things were going so great for us and that she didn't have college money for their oldest daughter she pulled a sneaky trick and told him that she shouldn't have divorced him, etc. Because he never truly dealt with his feelings over their divorce it threw him for a loop. Shortly after we stopped dating but remained friends. I could see how much it hurt him to choose, but I understand why he did choose the way he did. Things were great with us being friends- watching ball games, chatting once in a while, seeing how each other's children were doing. I am close friends with his sister and was with his mother too. The ex didn't like the fact that we were still friends and was trying everything she could to even end our friendship. Finally his mom emailed me and told me that she can no longer be my friend because it hurts the ex too much. So I called him to apologize for causing so many problems that our being friends has caused. I told him that I couldn't put him through anymore pain and problems with his ex so we couldn't be friends anymore. It hurt me so much more that we couldn't even be friends than it did when we broke up.

Here's the thing- we've been broken up for over a year, haven't been friends since August. I can't stop thinking about him. I've tried many things to get over him but I miss him so much, his friendship, his kind and caring nature. My kids ask about seeing him and his parents all the time. I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about him. I know that time heals all wounds but this one just seems to keep getting deeper and deeper instead of better.

Confession #2753

When you leave in the morning and you come in and give me a kiss and hug and say, "good bye", I honestly think that it is your sweetest moment. You are quiet, you touch my hair and you always fix the covers so that I am covered, like you are tucking me in. You're gentle for just those few minutes. It's those moments that keep me sane. That let me know that even though you are a hard ass *ALL* the time, you do have it in you to be sweet.

Confession #2754

I know I'm lucky that you talk to me and tell me what's on your mind.
A lot of women would kill for this level of communication from their
husbands. I just wish that what's on your mind weren't so darn
repetitive, or maybe that you would talk in some other form than a
thirty-minute monologue that grows louder and more enthusiastic (or
emphatic, depending on your topic) with every sip of your scotch.
After I've put in an eight-hour day at the office and then spent four
hours solo wrangling the kids and your mom, I am glad to know that
your studies are a source of intellectual enrichment for you. I do
not, however, need to hear for the fourteenth time how the academic
program is structured.

Confession #2755

I got married at 16 because I was pregnant, at 21 because I was rebounding, at 29 because I was in love, and at 45 because I was an idiot, but this time, at 56, I'm marrying for money.

Confession #2756

Husband of mine,

I love you. I know i'm not perfect, and I definitely don't take the time enough to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you do. You help out around the house, when I am panicy you help calm me down, you rarely yell at me even when I am yelling at you.

I am blessed and lucky to have found you. Thank you for fighting so hard for me. Thank you for allowing me to separate from my ex-husband amicably and that the two of you are buddies now. I love that. I love that you take care of me when I am sick and bring me my favorite stuffed animals. I love that you take on overtime and extra little side jobs so that you can make enough money to cover the cost of my car and Christmas presents for our families.

I love that you let me spend $175 on makeup and hair care products the other day just because I was bored with what I had at home. I love that you give me back rubs, foot rubs, and when I am asleep when you come to bed, you put my favorite socks on me just so I keep warm. I love waking up to you each day, and the way you smell. I love that I can be open and honest with you about everything - even when I am still having sexual feelings about my ex-husband. You just hold on to me tight and tell me that you trust me and you love me and I will get over it.

And I will. It will take time, though, and you understand that.

I didn't always have such a great life. Raped, abused, homeless - I never thought I would have all that I have now. And despite my past, and my panic attacks because of my past, and my little hang-ups and my quirks you love me and you find me beautiful. I never would have imagined anyone could find me attractive. I'm fat. I was fat when I married you and I am still fat. And you don't care. You love me. You think my ass cellulite is "cute". WTF? I won't complain.

Neither will you. You have never intentionally made me feel bad about my weight or my appearance. You look at me sometimes like I am the only woman on the planet and you want to devour me. I still feel the same way now that I did when we met.

Someday, after the year 2012, I would like to try and procreate with you. I know you will make an excellent father to our child.

Until then, I think I will be satisfied and happy doing the things we do best: sit around and watch movies together, smoke pot together, read together, take our warm baths together and cuddles.

I love you husband, more than anyone in the world has ever loved anyone else.

yours always,

Confession #2757

don't understand why you continue to do the things you are doing. You are on probation idiot!!! The reckless behavior is beyond me and now the kids are asking questions they shouldn't be asking and talking to me the way they shouldn't. "Are you and dad getting a divorce??" :why is he always mad??" "Why are you always mad??" "You never understand, like dad says"....Your daughter nor the dog, like your loud voice, but you keep on yelling. Do you really think if you get louder it gets better??? Now you tell the therapist that everything is good between us and I am over everything now. I told you the other day that I thought you were getting stressed and I was seeing behaviors that were like last year before you were arrested. You didn't tell him that part. I don't think we are going to make it. I am mad all the time when I walk in the house and I have no one to blame but myself. Now I have to figure out how to fix it and it may be to leave you. Last Christmas I was bailing you out of jail, this Christmas I am thinking of leaving you. No changes and now I have to make major decisions and you did this, not me. Why can't you grow up and stop living in the past? You have 9 lives and you have used 8 of them, I don't know....
Love Me

Confession #2758

I know I am wrong for what I am about to do. But I really can't and won't continue to be unhappy. I want the hoildays to be over so I can go on my trip to see him, I know it will be the weekend of 2/14 but I really don't care. I rather be with the man I really love instead of you anyways. Yes, I married you just to get away from my family,like I have said before I was not in love with you when we got married but I have learned to love you in my own kind of way. Now that I have him back in my life, I not going to let go ever again. If I feel like I can't continue with this lie until we (him and I) can get everything in order for me move back. I will leave the kids with for a short while, while we do get everything in order for us (him, the kids and I) to be a family, I will.

Confession #2759

When we snuck out of the party and made out in the elevator? That was hot - but when you surprised me with the condom that you bought in the mens room - and we ran out to the car to have a quickie? Made me feel like I was 18 again and not in my 40's! Lets do that more!

Confession #2760

I have been married to you for 7 ½ years. We have two beautiful daughters. I would not trade them for anything. However, for the past 2 – 2 ½ years I have been miserable. You contently accuse me of sleeping around. Which……is far from the truth? You must be very guilty to be throwing those accusations around. What are you hiding? Because of you I have had to get a 2nd job just to make it. All the while you went to a casino and blow well over $2,000. Then telling me it was none of my damn business. I got news for you……..IT IS! All you want to do is live the single life for which you do not have. You are a mean alcoholic, verbally abusive and mental abusive to me. On top of it all you told me that YOUR DAUGHTERS are not yours. Listen buddy……I know where I was do you? If your mother knew all the things that you say and do, she would let you have it! The only person who you EVER listen to is your step-daddy. I just hope your happy screwing around on me. Just remember your not only hurting me, your hurting the girls too. When my sister asked me if I still loved you, I told her no. I don’t think I ever did. My hearts has always belonged to one person. That person is not you. So when I get the strength within me to leave your sorry ass……..I will!!!! You will not know what has just hit you when I do.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

True Wife Confession 275 Necco Wafers on the Gingerbread house roof

Confession #2741

So the more I talk to him everyday. The less I want to continue to be with you. I know it will not be perfect, He makes me feel complete and I know he would make me happy. It's selfish on my part because I should think of our children. But it is hard, when i am still, and always be in LOVE with another man, when I married you, I was not in love with you but I have learned to love you but it will never compare to the LOVE that we share.

Confession #2742

I started an affair with a married man and have continued it even
after getting busted and making promises to you that it would never
happen again. But now I think I see that I'm not really in love with
him. He needs this more than I do. But I don't know how to find my
way back to you. I feel caught in the middle with no real place to
be. I can't tell him. I can't tell you. No one knows and I am
incredibly alone.

Confession #2743

We've been together for 25 years. I don't know exactly why or how it happened...but we've both changed. I'm not happy anymore 80% of the time when I'm with you. You've become angry, bitter, and controlling. You fly off at the slightest thing. Maybe you've always been that way but I was so young when we met that I didn't see it. I just thought I was in love and you were all I could see. Maybe if I had given myself a chance one of the many times we broke up when you tired of me I might of met someone else. Now married and too many children later , I feel stuck. I feel like I just woke up 3 years ago and realized I love you but I'm not in love with you. There's no passion in our sex life. I don't even want it to be you, I imagine it's someone else. I want to leave but I don't want to disrupt the kids. I go out and wish I could find someone who might spark my interest.....but I don''t. So maybe it's wrong but I'm just hanging on hoping my feelings will change or that once the kids are more grown that someone will find me.

Confession #2744

Listen, I've been screwing you for the better half of a year now. In and out of the office, behind your wife and my husbands back. It's ok, i like it, you get what you need and i get what i need. But dont set up a time and place and then not be able to show up. I know your wife and work come first and i know your wife pulls your strings and sh1t happens but i'm sitting here waiting for you to show up so i can get mine. Yes, i could go home and screw my husband but its just not the same. You set this up, not me. So either find the time and put out or i'm just going tohave to find some one to screw, NSA style.

Confession #2745

The reason you can't find a new job is not that other people are
stupid or your e-mail isn't working. It's because you apply for jobs
online when you're drunk without really reading the announcements or
editing your application documents. I'm amazed you get called for
interviews at all.

Confession #2746

(1673, back again.) I am ready to give you this confession face-to-face, but I don't know when that can happen. I want it here because, even though no one knows who we are, I need other people to know how you make me feel. I love you. I am always enamored. I've felt this way for years now and it's barely wavered; if anything, it's only gotten stronger. "The sun rises and sets with her" -- I could not describe this feeling any better. When I'm with you, my mind and soul feel at peace. I want to see yours at peace. On the rare occasions we've seen each other, all I wanted to do was touch you. Look into your green eyes and tell you all of this while I felt your skin against mine. When we spent the night in each others' arms, I dreamed about telling you this. It was beautiful. I'm so thankful for that night.

I can't say I haven't tried to talk myself out of feeling this way. I even managed to convince myself a time or two, but that never lasted long. You were always under the surface. The one my heart jumps back to. Not a day has gone by where you haven't crossed my mind. I can't deny my feelings, but I've done an OK job at pushing away and accepting that you didn't feel the same. Trying to move on and maybe get another chance at true love along the way. Settling. But now I find out that your feelings are similar! Perhaps they developed more recently, but something tells me it must've always been there for you too. I want to burst with happiness just at the prospect of another chance. We may have fucked it up at first, but that doesn't mean we can't do it the right way now. I hope we both learned from our mistakes.

In trying to remove myself from my intensely private feelings, I realized that it's you who have put yourself out there much more than I have; which may explain why you've also run away more. I need you to know that I'm with you in this. The long haul. I'm not afraid of it, as long as its with you. I may not be your wife, but you are the only one who could convince me to marry again. I wouldn't even need much convincing. But we wouldn't have to. We could just be. Happy. (Please, "fate", don't make us wait another five years!)

Confession #2747

Here's a confession...I hate you. I absolutely hate you. We've been married for 3 months and if I wasn't so prideful I would have already divorced you. I am so embarrased, everyone thinks that I am so smart, so wise, so mature...well then why did I end up married to you?

Your family is the most fucked up family that I have ever seen in my life. Your Mom is your father's slave. You Dad has 5 bastard children that live in the house with he and your mother...and oh yeah, the concubine. You are stupid enough to think that your Dad is not having sex with idiot...he's fucking that bitch.

You grab my breasts and toss me around when you are mad at me, you fondle me while I am crying and begging you to stop and you wonder why the thought of sex with you repulses me. I absolutely hate it. I pray for it to be over before it even begins. It is not enjoyable one bit, it is horrible. You hit me, bite me, toss me off beds and flip matresses over on me, and you think that you are completely justified. You are impatient as hell. You are greedy, selfish and dishonest. You lied to our baptist university to get more money. I hate your church, they lied for you....what kind of church LIES...oh yeah, a church filled with GREEDY BLACK people that place money above serving God....disgusting. Your sister is in seminary and is becoming a preacher, but she has an unsatiable appetite for immoral sexual encounters and has probably had more partners than can be counted on both hands and both feet. I know of at LEAST 10 that she has had in the 2.5 years that I have known her...the football team knows her very well...but she continues to go around preaching the gospel even though she lives in such disgusting in sin that's's each person's perogative, but I just don't understand how she gets into the pulpit and PREACHES on Sunday knowing about her disgusting and dangerous sexual addiction.

Your brother is dumb, and inconsiderate, and selfish. His wife thinks that sex is a chore, just like me. He is always buying(well not really, just financing) toys and gadets for himself, digging himself deeper and deeper into debt. People think that his new car is cool, or that his two TV's are nice...but I think he's stupid because he financed it ALL....and if they knew that he was drowning in debt they would think he is stupid too. His boys are growing, but the sad thing is I seriously doubt they will be able to move to a bigger place because of his dumb behind. I never see his wife get anything, but he always has to have the best and newest of everything. He also degrades her sexually in front of others, and makes rude sex jokes that make everyone uncomfortable to the point that they don't' want to be around him. But you look up to him and call him for advice and tell him everything. My advice shouldn't get advice from someone that you don't want to be like...or is that it, you want to be like him?

You degrade me and tell your friends and family private things about us, tell them that you are having a miserable time at my family's Thanksgiving, tell them about our sex life is like and how you are not getting enough ass. And the sad thing are supposed to be Mr. Super Christian. You teach the youth at church, you only listen to Christian coach a football team at a children's home, but while you are teaching them, do you teach them that it is ok to hit your wife because she "antagonized" you(read: antagonizing=disagreeing with you)? Do you tell them to refer to their girlfriend's as "piece's of ass"? No, you give them hypocritical lectures on how they should not date and remain pure...blah blah blah....all the while you are addicted to pornography and compulsively masturbate. You video taped me having sex when I didn't know it and you keep these videos stored on your computer against my will. I have asked you time and time to delete them, and you said that you did, but they always seems to resurface. You fooled around with one of your half siblings, you disgusting jerk.

You buy me gifts that you want. Stupid electronic shit that I don't even like, and you know it. But you buy it for me so that you can have it. It's funny that I never see these gifts after I get them, because you end up using them. A week after we were married you left me at my parents house...abandoned me, all because you could not wait 45 minutes to load the gifts from our wedding into the car following our honeymoon. You wouldn't wait to let me write down who got us what because you wanted to get home...probably because you thought that you deserved more sex. You left and refused to tell me where you were going. Actually, you do this quite often. You went to your sisters house and no doubt told her what a jerk of a wife I am.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You are the world's biggest asshole. One time you pressed on my chest so that I couldn't breathe, then you licked a pillow and held it over my face. You told me that you were crazy so I should not mess with you....but you are a Christian, you work around kids and at Christian sports camps. You think you are hot stuff and that other girls would LOVE to be with you. But...they wouldn't, they would think that your family is crazy, and that sometimes you stink. Especially your balls. Ew.

Your body is seriously out of proportion. You have a mid sized body 5'10, but a HUGE head, huge nose, HUGE lips that are always cracked and dry, HUGE size 16 feet, and CANKLES. You are disgusting. So this is love...lucky me...this is the sex that I waited for my whole life...I would rather clean the toilet...with my, but really. I was foolish enough to tell you my deepest darkest secret, I cried because it felt so good to be vulnerable with you, my HUSBAND. Unfortunately for me I was played the fool as that secret was shared with your asshole of a brother less than 2 hours later.

Yet I keep holding on. Probably not for much longer though. I wish I could muster up the courage to just punch you in your face, with all of my might...but I couldn't do that because you are no gentleman and would most definitely beat me, until I was dead.

Confession #2748

You really are pushing all my button or maybe I am just looking for a reason to tell you I'm leaving that I am done with this marriage. If I can make it happen I will spend valentines weekend with him. I am so sick of all the things you do, like this weekend you were so drunk that you were being mean for no reason, you were the one who told me to dance with YOUR cousin, I did not offer then you get pissed off at me, come on I might not love you but I would never disrespect you with your own family. Then you say "I'm sorry" like that fixes anything. I'm not some whore off the street, I'm your wife but not for to long.

Confession #2749

You are an alcoholic. You are basically a good man when you are not drunk but those moments are few and far between.

You are Jekyll and Hyde, and although I don't really believe in divorce, I think about it all the time lately. You have spun so far out of control, that I am constantly worried and afraid and I feel unsafe, insecure, and resentful.

I would have left you a long time ago if I had the money, although I also constantly worry about the negative effects it will have on my children when we split.

If I die tomorrow I do not feel safe leaving you to take care of my kids. You are 100% irresponsible.

Our financial problems are astronomical. I was forced to be out of work for a couple of months after a surgery, and you just blame me for "single handedly ruining us financially". I am back to work now and doing my best.

I feel like I have way too much weight on my shoulders. Neither one of us have any family or friends nearby and I feel so lonely and desperate.

Confession #2750

So, here's the thing: If you would just try parenting your daughters half as much as you try to parent me, we'd likely all feel much more loved and appreciated. And also, stop YELLING all the time. I've learned to tune you out, but the kids haven't acquired that skill yet. Yesterday, after you left, N came up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "Mama, I'm sorry Daddy yelled at you; it's not your fault." And it broke my heart. Because I may have learned how to ignore you, but there's no way that I can ignore that.