Friday, September 01, 2006

True Wife Confessions 62 Million Year Cycle

Confession #611

I am so sick and tired of having to plan every single day, weekday or weekend, around you and your shit. I have lost all say or control over having any breaks away from this house, and without our child in tow. I am on call as a housewife and mother 24/7, and I NEED A FUCKING BREAK! Going to the supermarket doesn't count! Once a month to get my roots dyed is just not cutting it anymore! I love our child more than life itself, but I need to get away from the clinging and the whining for a couple of hours. You have the nerve to think I have it easier than you b/c I get to stay at home. Then you make ridiculous statements like "the boy doesn't need to be entertained around the clock". No, you dumb fuck, its about interacting with your 21 month-old child. Something you have no clue how to do. AT ALL. Even though he begs for your attention. And you just don't get it, you asshole. I don't think you'll ever change, and I think I may leave you after all. You may think I won't, and I'm not gonna stop you from working on this stupid house (which you should've done a long time ago instead of your precious car). But I don't care how much money you rack up in debt, its the least I could do for all the bullshit I've had to endure. FUCK YOU.

Confession #612

Thank you for not getting on my case about being
unemployed this summer. I know we both expected me to
find work more quickly, but never once have you asked
me how many resumes I'm sending out every day, or what
I've been doing to find a job. You understand that
I'm trying to figure out what direction I want my
career to take, and that the process is longer than I
thought it would be. The bottom line is that you want
me to be as happy and fulfilled professionally as you
are, and that means more than any designer couch or
fancy car we could have bought if I'd taken a crappy
dead-end job just to bring in more money.

Confession #613

I don't get your thing about ultimate fighting...and you don't get my love of video games. Thanks for just going into the other room and we can each do our own things.

Confession #614

When I tell you that my breasts are tender because my period is coming, that is not an invitation to touch them. They are sore. They want to be left alone.

Confession #615

In spite of all of the wonderful things you do, the
next time you bring home an entire grocery bag FULL of
dirty socks the day after I told you I was going to do
laundry, I may have to burn them. I'm not going to
run an entire load of just your socks, and I don't
want them stinking up my laundry room for a week.

Confession #616

The fact that you stood up to your evil and mean, but rich, mother and her
frog faced husband means the world to me. When you told her that you had a
wife and family and that if she could not treat us with respect and kindness
then "see ya," that made me realize how really great you are. Sorry that we
probably cost you your inheritance and that big hunting trip to Montana.

Every time I have ever really needed you, you have stepped up to the plate.
Thanks for going to counseling with me, thanks for trying so hard, thanks
for loving me, even when I am freaking out. Thanks for always saying your
sorry and making up in front of the kids. I love you more after all these
years.


Confession #617

It's okay that you left me, because now I'm back with
your brother. How do you like that, you asswipe?
That's right, I may have chosen you over him, but that
was a mistake, and I apologize to your brother every
day for going with you instead of him. So go off with
your secretary, or whoever you left me for, I'm much
happier now than I ever was with you anyway.

Confession #618

I'm secretly happy that the dog likes me more than he
likes you. We both know that he's helping to fill the
hole in my heart that infertility has made, and you
don't need that unconditional small animal love like I
do right now.

Confession #619

I don't think you realize how lonely I feel. And I hate you for dragging me into this suburban hell. I want to leave so bad I can taste it. Every day in every way, you seem to make it more and more obvious how alone I am every time you say or do something. We are two completely different people. We have nothing in common, and we can't have one mature conversation. Dinnertime has become an exercise in restraint. All I wanna do is reach across the table and stab you with my fork. I can't even stand to watch you eat anymore. You make me physically ill. Your eyes are totally vacant, no sign of any intelligence whatsoever. Whenever you try to talk to me, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It's only a matter of minutes before we collide and fight. You are an immature moron with no signs of any emotional or intellectual growth ahead. You're just happy to scratch your hairy balls and watch American Chopper or some other brainless bullshit. You don't even have the capacity to put up with 5 minutes of watching something intelligent or different. You like to talk to me like I have no brain. I should've realized how disrespectful you are to people in general, let alone me or my family. Noone liked you from the beginning and it's my fault that I chose to ignore the signs before saying I do. The second you walk in the door from work, the stress and tension level in this house skyrockets. Our 20 month-old can sense something's wrong, and it breaks my heart. He calls out to you as soon as he sees you and you barely give him any notice. Unless I remind you to answer him or say hello to him, you won't know to do so on your own accord. It makes me want to just scoop him up and drive away from you forever. I hate you for that. It's bad enough you disrespect me as a person, but I'm a big girl, I can handle your shit. But when you disregard our son it makes me want rip your dick off. As much as a boy needs his father, he needs to be surrounded by love more. You say you don't want to be like your own unemotional father, but asshole, you ARE your father. And stop making up some bullshit excuses for him just because he served in the war. So what, get over it. A lot of people served back then. A dishtowel has more of a personality than he does. You should have married someone as ignorant and simple-minded as your mother. Sorry, but I don't buy into that old-school Italian mentality bullshit. So get this straight you lowlife: I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER. I won't act like the helpless, brainless dimwitted female in this house. That's her job. You may be loyal and not have cheated on me as of yet, but G-d forgive me, there are sooo many times I wish you did. Just so I could use it against you forever , go fuck the shit out of the guy I still think about, and leave your stupid hairy ass. Trust me, my ego wouldn't get as bruised as you'd like it get. I don't love you enough to feel that much pain. In fact, I don't think I love you at all. If I ever did, you managed to kill it all away, every day, bit by bit. You don't realize how much loathing for you I have to hold inside. Oh yeah, and by the way, no matter how much you work out, no matter how cut you already are, I wll never find you attractive enough to fuck you. You're still nauseating.

Confession #620

Even though you keep wanting me to do a threesome with you, I will never do it with YOU. I'd rather experience another woman alone and keep my experiences to myself because I have a really strong feeling that she'd probably make me come , whereas you just can't.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh 619, I hope you can use the same energy that you used to write your confessions into finding a happy life for you and your son. I just did with a 2 month old. Your child can feel that resentment from you. And let me tell you - it feels so good to let it go. Good luck to you. You can do it.

Anonymous said...

Dawn,
Thanks for providing this great forum. I think you are an inspiration. Sometimes just expressing yourself can begin healing. For all the women out their who want to leave but feel they can't, you can. There are resources out there to help all types of women start over. Please realize that staying for the sake of the kids does more harm than good. Kids know what is going on, and it can effect their future relationships. It is better to be poor and happy in a loving environment than to pretend that you are happy. Please, please, get help. Especially those of you in abusive relationships. Children who watch their parents get abused usually end up being abusive themselves; or they in turn get into an abusive relationship and suffer just like you. Stop the cycle now. Please.

Anonymous said...

Infertility lady. go to www.clearpassage.com

they might be able to help.

Anonymous said...

Infertility lady here--Clear Passages hasn't been proven to do anything to increase fertility rates in published studies. Sorry, but it's generally considered to be a crock. Thanks for the thought, though.

Anonymous said...

618 - I feel like I read my own confession. I've never heard of Clear Passages. And I don't think I even care to. My dogs are my babies. And they love mommy the best. And I love that. Thank you for posting.

Anonymous said...

#620 - I say go for it!

Anonymous said...

It is better to be poor and happy in a loving environment than to pretend that you are happy.
2:33 PM

completely agree - when my parents split up when I was 13, my 15 yr old brother stayed with my dad in Australia, and I moved back to Canada with my mom. We went through MANY bouts of not knowing where the next phone bill payment would come from, I had to start working at 13 to help pay the bills, struggles galore. My father on the other hand is a millionaire, and was able to give my brother lots of THINGS, but no actual love & support. Well, my brother moved back to Canada 5 years ago, he's 33 now, and he's STILL struggling with the neglect he grew up with, whereas I still don't have much money (hehe) but have ALWAYS felt safe and secure and, most importantly, LOVED. All those years I thought he had the better situation? I was very wrong.
MY POINT (sorry for the long post ;) is that 2:33 is right - your kids know what's going on, and no matter how much money you lose by leaving the relationship, as long as you love your kids, they will survive, and in the case of me & my brother, be much better off for it. It pains me that my brother is still an emotional mess, but it also makes me feel so relieved that I may have had very little, but I always had my mom's love.
Get help, get out. Your kids will eventually thank you for it.

Anonymous said...

To #626

That sounds just like my husband. After 12 years, he still complains about how he can't do anything and it's everyone else's fault he's not going anywhere. I'm so sick of it. I can't pull him up by his bootstraps. He has to do it.

So what should I do? I don't know.

Anonymous said...

I'm #619. I think it's easier said than done when there is a child involved, and the personality that you're dealing with is spiteful and extremely volatile. He has bad temper and has the ability to erupt in front of our child no matter how much I beg him not to. ahe would refuse to leave the house or let me take our child. In other words he'd make it as ugly as possible. How do I take our child and leave him without him trying to pin it as an 'abduction' or whatever legality it brings about? there is no talking to him

Anonymous said...

Hi 619 - I hope you are still checking in - I am the first commenter. You can find a way to do it. I was pregnant and felt like I had to get married. We did get married and it was a huge mistake. I am not sure about the particulars of your situation. But, please keep yourself safe. This doesn't mean having to stay in a mentally abusive situation. You are killing your self staying there. Do you have someone you can confide in such as family or a friend that lives in the same city as you? Can they help you? Leave in the middle of the day when he is at work. Take enough things for a week and then go from there - he doesn't have to allow you to go. It is your choice. YOU!

Anonymous said...

Hi Anon, still checking in. I have a close friend to confide in about things, but she's got her own child and issues. My family would help me, but i don't want them to know just yet b/c if, in the chance of a miracle, things would ever work out, my mother would never forgive him (as she already hates him). It would go from bad to worse. So thats only a place to go for a week or so. But the problem with my husband is that he would expect me back in a week, even if i was to tell him i needed time and space to clear my head,etc., he could just as easily turn around and become spiteful and make it look like I kidnapped my child and call an amber alert. He's immature and capable of being very vindictive in the heat of anger. He won't give me a divorce until i agree to go to counseling. I know that would be a good thing, and believe me i want my son to have a dad, but i'm so numb already i dont know why i should put any more emotional energy into it. know what i mean?

Anonymous said...

#619 Call a female lawyer right away. A family law lawyer will be able to notify the court that you are leaving with the child & you can request no or supervised visitation and a restraining order if you are in fear of him harming you or taking the child. You will be able to find a lawyer that will help now and worry about paying later. Search the Internet for lawyers in your area. Then clear you search & browsing history. If you take these steps he can never claim you "kidnapped" your child. Counseling is not a legal requirement for divorce the court can grant you one even if he refuses in certain circumstances. Please, for the safety of you and your child call & find out what your options are.

Anonymous said...

619 - First commenter back again. Yes, I understand. I know exactly where you are. I would ask you to sit down next time your son is taking a nap. Be totally quiet and picture what you want in your life. Where do you see yourself going? In those quiet times - do you really picture you and your husband doing things together with your son? If so, then by all means hold out for the hope of something working out. If in the quiet times, you see yourself and your son then you have to figure out a way - that works for you to get out. There is no reason to stay. But, listen to your gut.
I ignored mine and I totally missed the boat. Actually, the boat ran over me. Anyway, listen to the voice in your head when you are alone and relaxed. Without getting to deep - that voice is your soul telling you what to do.
One more thing, you do not need your husband’s permission to leave or to get a divorce.
Think about it. This is your life. Good luck.
I will check back.

~t.~ said...

619 - Your post made my cry... you described my life. The one difference is that I've made a decision, along the lines of the first commenter's last idea. I decided that if I go, it will make life in the short-term scary, uncertain and painful - but if I stay, it will be scary, uncertain and painful for the long-term. I'd rather have it be a little worse for a while, with a light at the end of the tunnel, than have it kill me and our son every single day for the rest of our lives. I'm scared to death to do it, but I have to believe that life can be better than this for me and my son. You and I will both come out on the other side of this, and it will be worth it to be able to have a life where we can take a deep breath and relax. I'm wishing for luck for us all.

Anonymous said...

Hi, 619 here. Thanks for all of the supportive feedback. it's been really hard and confusing as far as what i should do, since there will always be good days and bad days in this marriage. when he's good, he's truly good. But it's when he's bad - the verbal abuse and temper just leaves me breathless. This coming from a chick from brooklyn who always had a snappy answer to everything back then. In any case, it sounds like your idea of taking a step back and analyzing my own feelings is probably the wisest first step to take, first anon. Thank you for that. And thank you, everybady who's responded, for being so understanding. Thank G-d for this site, it helps take away that feeling of being the only one.