Friday, June 30, 2006

True Wife Confessions Base 10

Confession #091

I am still having a hard time forgiving you for having what I consider
to be an emotional affair with your old coworker. The fact that you don't
think there was anything wrong with it (and it was me being too sensitive)
doesn't help. It's turned me into the cell phone checking, email snooping
wife I never wanted to be.

Confession #092

I hate when people ask us if/when we are having more kids. I tell them "I don't know" even though I know the answer is "never." Sure, I'd love to have another child, give our daughter a sibling, and quite possibly give you a son to carry on your family name. But I know our marriage would not survive. More specifically, I would not survive as your wife knowing again you'll be lazy, selfish, and unhelpful. Congratulations, Fun Daddy, your family name ends with you

Confession #093

I am in love with someone else.

Confession #094

I purposefully waited until your butt touched the chair before asking you to get me something to drink because you seem to do it to me all the time. Didn't like it very much did ya?

Confession #095

No matter what anyone says ... an IOU is not a birthday gift or a mother's day gift. It is a piece of paper that means nothing - especially if you don't follow through

Confession #096

If you text me again asking me to transfer money to your account so you can
buy shit for yourself, I will throw away your cell phone.

Confession #097

I truly, truly hate that every time you think you are paying me a compliment
you end it with a but....dinner was good, but... You look nice, but....
You are an asshole. No but.

Confession #098

I hate how you complained that you had to do the dishes again last
night. I am eight months pregnant with your first born child and you
will never understand how I'm feeling right now.

Confession #099

You are the LAZIEST of lovers. You lay there on your back and do nothing. You used to do magical things with your fingers - what happened? My signal for sex is an arm around my neck. Gross. You have no clue how hard I can orgasm if you would get off your fat ass

Confession #100

I resent paying for Head and Shoulders shampoo so much that I have been
buying generic shampoo and putting it into the same Head and Shoulders
bottle for over two years. Honey, you're bald and you don't need shampoo
anymore. You especially don't need one that controls dandruff. You have
more hair on your ass than you do on your head and you use soap on your ass.
Enough already!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

True Wife Confessions Zero Zero Niner

Confession #081

I hate that I'm always the one to get up in the middle of the night to see what the dogs are barking at. It's dark out there and we don't have any neighbors to jump in to save me while you're snoring away. You're the one with the fancy new hunting rifle and super-duper hunting skills, and I'm the one with the MagLite flashlight.
Who would you rather have protecting us in the dead of the night?

Confession #082

When you want to order pizza, I know that you ask me if I want anything from the store. If I say "Yes" then you will try to get me to call the order in AND pick it up. What's up with the food ordering phobia? I caught on to this about 12 years ago, so don't think that you're getting away with anything.

Confession #083

Why do you pretend like you have anything to do with Christmas cards? We ALL know that it is me who buys, addresses, writes, stamps and otherwise takes cares of the christmas cards - including the god damn holiday photo of child. When I hear you on the phone taking credit for these cards I want to pop you in the nose. I challenge you to even DESCRIBE what the cards look like this year... I thought not.

Confession #084

When you have to be alone with our child for any length of time, you always act incredibly put upon when I get home. Suck it up. The eye rolling and heavy breathing is not needed to impress upon me that she sucks the life force out of you. I GET it.

Confession #085

I always have an orgasm when I do it myself . I almost always fake it with you . You always start off so great but get too impatient . Then I just fake it to get it over with .

Confession #086

I know this is hypocritical, since I'm not lighting up the runways with my supermodel body, but since you've gained so much weight, I'm just not that attracted to you anymore.

Confession #087

Let's face it-- we both know I am much, much handier than you are with a hammer, a screwdriver, or a saw, but I bite my tongue and let you put together most of the new furniture and do random projects around the house because I know it hurts your manly pride to admit your wife is better with tools than you are. After you hung the curtains in the baby's room, I went and re-hung them so that they would hang straight, and spackled over the old holes long before you got home from work so you'd never know. And I also fixed our new headboard after you put the wrong screws in the frame

Confession #088

I am far more experienced in the art of providing oral sex than I have led you to believe.

Confession #089

I hate that you keep our house shut up like a tomb in the summer and run the a/c continually with out ever letting any fresh air in

Confession #090

I know that you used to give me liqour for every "event", because the liqour store is on the drive home and you couldn't be bothered to buy anything ahead of time. Either that, or you were trying to drive me to alcoholism.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

True Wife Confessions 8 - like an octopus

Confession #071

That weekend that I packed all of that stuff and the child and went to visit my mother in 2000? I was leaving you. You just never figured it out. That's when I took your name off the checking accounts? Yeah. Leaving you. With no money.

Confession #072

I am ecstatic when you take off on Fridays nights and I don't have to make dinner and I can hang out and do my own thing, without listening to you bitch

Confession #073

If I work all day and you've played video games all day, and I come home and cook dinner, and you say "leave the dishes, I'll get them" and then they are still in the sink when I start trying to cook breakfast, and you say "I'll do the dishes after breakfast," don't be surprised if I'm slamming around and washing dishes and being curt with you. I can't make your damn breakfast if the pan I need is still dirty and in the sink under a pile of dinner dishes.

Confession #074

You don't have any friends because you are too lazy to keep in contact with them. You are very lazy when it comes to relationships. You prefer to play on-line Poker and work. This isn't my fault that your life is so out of balance. So stop blaming me!

Confession #075

I wish you'd really get your head out of your ass and grow up.

Confession #076

Could you read to your child every once in a while? When did it become the designated mother job to read EVERY night? I like to read, but JESUS - EVERY NIGHT???

Confession #077

Sometimes I fake a stomachache just so I can go hide in the bathroom and read my book or do crossword puzzles. You think I've got indigestion, but all that's really wrong is that I need a break from you. So when you walk by the bathroom and act like it reeks in there, you look like a moron-because all I did was sit in the corner and do my puzzle and then flush the toilet and run the water to make you think I had actually gone to the bathroom.

Confession #078

I know you're scared of the dentist. I would be too if Novocain didn't work. But because you won't go - those back teeth are rotting, and that's why I don't kiss you anymore. It's not because I haven't brushed my teeth yet or any of the other excuses I give you. Go to the dentist, and I'll kiss you again.

Confession #079

Your bizarre need to lock the bathroom door? When have I EVER busted in and watched you use the toilet? Never. I could care less what you are doing.

Confession #080

you suck at being a dad, you never discipline until things have gone far too far and then you lose your cool, if you would put you foot down earlier your life would be easier

Saturday, June 24, 2006

True Wife Confessions Numero 7 -Deep Dark Edition

Confession #061

I think I might be in love with another man. I think I might be planning to leave you for him, but not yet.

Confession #062

I want to continue marriage counseling because a week leading up to the appointments, you are usually on your best behavior. When we don't have an upcoming session, you get lazy.

Confession #063

Recently I met a man who I could tell was sort of "into" me. I got the feeling that if I wanted to, I could have had an affair with him. I was very tempted for the first time in our marriage because I'm lonely and have been for years. You pay more attention to your work and on-line poker games than to me.

Confession #064

Just because I grew up in a family of lawyers doesn't mean I'm good at fighting with our builder to fix our leak problems with our house. I know you don't like the sales lady, but we're not dealing with her anymore. You want to fight with them to get them to replace the drywall instead of just patching it, YOU call them. YOU tell them about your allergies when you're not even sure there IS mold from the leak and then YOU argue with them when they play dumb. I can breathe just fine. YOU can deal with their lackadaisical attitude about replacing the drywall versus patching. I'm going to take a nap.

Confession #065

For several months after you proposed, I kept a boyfriend on the side- for the sex. He knew all about you, but I was pretty sure you weren't sincere about the whole getting married thing, so I saw him during the week and you on weekends. I saw him for the last time on the night before I moved in with you.

Confession #066

For a two month span in 2001, I went off my birth control pills without your knowledge or consent. I also poked holes in the condoms with needles.

Confession #067

This morning, when you were pawing me while you thought I was sleeping, I really wasn'’t sleeping. I kept my eyes closed in hopes that you would leave me the hell alone since it had only been FOUR HOURS since I went to bed. Despite what the Letters to Penthouse say, I do not get instantly aroused just because you are pinching my poor, still-sleeping nipples. So when you said those seven words that you must have thought would make me want to instantly have hot porn sex with you, I pretended to wake up confused about what was happening. Because honey, asking "could I get a quickie before work?"” is almost guaranteed to NEVER get you even the teeniest bit of cooperation from me. Asshole.

Confession #068

If I am committing to having sex with you, I expect it to be a mutually satisfying experience. I do not want you to "catch me later", or "owe me one". In fact, the whole "blow job embargo" could be lifted, if only you would abide by this rule of thumb. I don't dislike giving blow jobs, I only pretended to not like it since you were doing such a shitty job from your end....

Confession #069

sometimes you fall into the very descriptive metaphor: You are a gardener who wants to put his tool in the shed before doing any yard work.

Confession #070

After sex, your need to jump up and wash is disturbing. I mean, having some semen on you? Doesn't make you gay. It's YOURS. You've filled me with the shit on more than one occasion. Deal with it.

Friday, June 23, 2006

True Wife Confessions Episode 6

Confession #051

I hate your family. Really.
I hate most of your friends, too.

Confession #052

You know those work boots that you loved and made me move from house to house because they were in such good condition? I threw them out when you weren't looking. And come to think of it, you haven't looked for them for some time, so that proves that you didn't really need to keep them in the first place!

Confession #053

You know how I tell you to roll over when you snore? Sometimes when I am pissed off with you I tell you to roll over even when you are not snoring just so I can watch you mindlessly obey me.

Confession #054

Of course I'm sometimes hungry when we stop by your parents house, but I'll never be able to eat anything from that nasty kitchen.

Confession #055

When I talk about writing my blog and you wave me off with a dismissive sigh? Makes me want to put my foot in your ass.

Confession #056

I will divorce you for leaving wet towels on my quilts. I'm not kidding. I will also cite leaving the toilet paper roll empty, coffee grounds in the filter, and your shoes in every damn place you can.

Confession #057

Getting angry when I cry is NOT the way to comfort me. I'm SAD, I'm UPSET. Being pissed off at me doesn't ease those feelings. Just let me cry and get it over with. I can be reasonable after that! Just look sympathetic and say nothing.

Confession #058

You didn't get a present for Father's Day because you didn't give me a present for Mother's Day. You aren't getting a birthday present either because when mine rolled around you didn't do squat for me.

Confession #059

I want to hire people to mow our lawn because you do such a half-assed job, but I don't want to deprive you of the pleasure of doing your only household chore.

Confession #060

I know that the great "Adding Bleach to my Work Clothes" fiasco of 1995 was your way of insuring I would never allow you to do my laundry again. Mission Accomplished, Chief.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

True Wife Confessions Act 5

Confession #041

I'm tired of our lives revolving around the projects you have going on at work. I hate that we can't even plan something on a Sunday because you usually have to do some work that weekend. Why don't you grow a pair and tell your clients "no, I can't work on Sunday. I want to spend time with my child and wife." You certainly have no problem telling your child and wife "No. I can't spend time with you on Sunday. I need to call the client and do a few hours of work."

Confession #042

We've been married for 25 years and I've contemplated leaving you for 23 of them. I stay for the security.

Confession #043

You know how you tell everyone that raw garlic gives you a migraine? I cook with it all the time when you are not looking, and you never get a headache!

Confession #044

You work really hard honey and so do I, BUT because I no longer work outside the home, you and others, think I don't have a 'real job'. So when you sometimes bring home cash and shove it in your sock drawer, I occassionally take $100 bill because you never notice one missing now and again. I figure since I have to turn your smelly work socks right side out to wash them, I deserve it!

Confession #045

When you ask me how much money I have on me at any given time, I'm lying through my teeth. If you ask, and I say that I have $10, I really have closer to $30. If I say that I have no money, it usually means I have about 5 bucks. When you ask how much money we have in the bank, I usually tell you $200 less than what we actually have.
I do this so that you don't bleed us dry financially buy purchasing even more DVDs and assorted guy-crap.

Confession #046

When I want to go out with a girlfriend, last minute, and you happen to have last minute plans as well, I act as though I told you weeks earlier, so I get my way. Half the time you don't listen to me anyway, or you forget about plans, so my convincing act always gets me out of the house.

Confession #047

It's very sweet that you want to build things around
the house and make carpentry repairs and such. I'm
down with letting you feel all manly if that's what it
takes. But honey, this sort of thing is not one of
those skills you have just because you are blessed
with a Y chromosome. If you don't know how to build
it or fix it, just say so! We can hire someone who
can do it right, who won't screw it up or make it look
totally half-assed! Dude, that treehouse...!

Confession #048

If I want you to wear a particular item of clothing for a certain event, then I simply place said item of clothing within easy reach. You will, without fail, wear the pants on the top of the pile, or the shirt that is hanging just within arm's reach. Much easier than fighting with you about wearing that godawful orange linen shirt AGAIN!

Confession #049

Rinsing your mouth with listerine is not the same as brushing your teeth.

Confession #50

Sometimes I pretend I am not feeling well after a long day at work just so that you will take the kids to their activities. I just want to stay home and read my book.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

True Wife Confessions Volume 4 - Happy Father's Day!

Confession #031

I knew the food you were cooking was going to burn that time. I didn't
tell you because it bugs the crap out of me that you "cook" by putting
things in a pan and going upstairs to surf the Internet, expecting me to
watch it.

Confession #032

I get so pissed at you, dear spouse, when you are late for dinner because you've been out running with your buddies. Yes, I know I tell you how I agree that your running should be a priority, it's important to get exercise, blah blah blah. But I've been with the kids all day, the baby is screaming for dinner, and I don't give a shit if you develop a pot belly because you're not getting your run in after work. Get your ass home ON TIME!

Confession #033

You kiss like a fish drowning. I don't know who told you to kiss like that, but it is Terrible. I HATE kissing you, which is why I avoid it whenever possible.

Confession #034

Sometimes when I get home from work and I know you have beaten me home,
and I also know that my keys are located somewhere at the bottom of the
abyss that is my bag/pocketbook, I ring the bell and make you come out and
answer the door because I am too tired to be bothered to dig for them.
I'll tell you "I think" I left them in the apartment.

Confession #035

Yes, sometimes when you think I'm helpless and/or clueless as to how to complete a task that gets put off on you, I really know how to do it. Since I cook your dinner and clean up after you after working all day, not to mention cutting the grass when you have to work on weekends, I figure it's your turn to do something besides eat, sleep, play video games, and take a shower at home. Get over it.

Confession #036

I will tell you we cannot afford something for you and then I'll spend twice
as much on something for me and tell you I've had it all along. You owe me
and aren't smart enough to realize it.

Confession #037

Yes, sometimes I make you pay someone to clean house, but since you're no more gung-ho than I am about washing dishes by hand or scrubbing toilets, don't complain. You get to pay teenage boys when you don't want to mow grass, so either bite my ass or clean it yourself!

Confession #038

When you leave to go to the convenience store that I can see from our back yard, and it takes you 2 hours to come home with whatever I asked you to pick up while you are there, I get this amazing urge to choke the life out of you. Especially if I've sent you after food or drink. If I wanted it in two hours, after it's cold, I'd go get it myself in two hours. Quick fucking around and bring me my caffeine and double bacon cheeseburger, you idiot, before the wrath of my period rains down on you full force!

Confession #039

I find your relationship with your mother disturbingly co-dependent. This
is why I don't tell you when she calls and I erase the voicemails. I've
might have also read the mail she sends you before you do.

Confession #040

Yes, I hear our dogs barking at 5 AM Saturday morning, begging to be put out on the leash, but considering you passed out in your recliner as soon as you ate dinner, leaving me to clean up the kitchen, I figure I get to sleep late. Now get up and take the little yapping bastards outside!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

True Wife Confessions Chapter 3

Confession #021

I don't like my husband's coffee either. I pour it down the sink when he labors over a mocha for me

Confession #022

When you piss me off, I use your face wash cloth to wash my lower lady area
and than put it back in it's place where it belongs. Then I smile inwardly
the next morning when you're washing the sleep from your eyes.

Confession #023

One your day off, when you leave the dirty dishes in the sink for me to
wash when I get home from work, I really want to bash your head in with
the frying pan you used to make bacon.

oh, and your pants do not look good when you wear them pulled up to your

Confession #024

My Paul Smith sunglasses cost $250. NOT the $100 you
thought you heard me say.

When you asked me how much they cost, I actually said,
“One hundred dollars.” And then whispered, “...more
than I wanted to spend.”

Confession #025

When you go out of town, I throw away all the clothes that don't fit you anymore that I think are ugly or out of style. I've been doing this for years and you've never caught on.

Confession #026

Of course I know the baby has pooped her diaper right before I leave the room and breezily suggest that she hasn't been changed in awhile. Do you think I can't SMELL?

Confession #027

Yes, I know that you like go hunting after work. I know that you like to play in the basement with all your power tools after work. But? I totally resent the fact that you have changed precisely twelve poopy diapers in fourteen months because you're either hunting or in the basement. I know that I don't go to work, so I don't have that stress. But, have you seen our daughter? You don't know what stress is, buddy. I resent the fact that you can sleep through nothing except her screaming. I resent the fact that even though I'm the one with her all the damn time, it's your name that she repeats at various volume levels.

Confession #028

I don't like your mom as much as I say I do. I think she's a controlling perfectionist and is part of the reason your sister is so disfunctional.

Confession #029

After 10 years of being together, I still hope that you will learn how to make me orgasm one day.

Confession #030

Your bizarre fear of white creamy foods is so frustrating to me that I frequently stir yogurt, sour cream or mayonnaise into whatever I'm cooking for dinner just to watch you eat it with gusto when you don't actually know it's there

Monday, June 12, 2006

True Wife Confessions II

Confession #011

Oh yeah, I hear her calling my name. But it's 2 a.m. and you’re awake anyway.

Confession #012

I was going to leave my hair in the tub drain. You’re right. But I’ll die defending that I wasn’t.

Confession #013

Your chili isn' that good. Really. I’ve just never had the heart to tell you. Your coffee isn't either.

Confession #014

I hate dancehall music. I just don’t get the appeal for you. But I have smiled as you have played it for a long ass time.

Confession #015

I love that you have more colognes than I do. I love that the Macy’s mens cologne woman knows your first name.

Confession #016

Yes, I washed the chicken. I have been rinsing the chicken for 15 years. You do not have to ask me EVERY TIME if I have washed the god damn chicken. If my plan were to give you salmonella, it would have happened a long time ago.

Confession #017

I know how much you detest Chinese Art Cinema. So it makes me love you more when you sit through three-hour movies in subtitles next to me, whilst I weep uncontrollably at the beauty of the story. And yes, I DID know that “Farewell My Concubine” was going to be three hours long. I just knew if I told you that, you wouldn’t come.

Confession #018

I will never tell you what my girlfriends and I really talk about. You’re my husband, but they are my girlfriends. Iron Curtain, Baby. And yes, we talk about you. And they know EVERYTHING.

Confession #019

Sometimes you only have to make me laugh to change my mood. It is not a strategy you use enough. Ditto for the shoulder massage. You’d get a hell of a lot more if you took note of this.

Confession #020

I know you didn’t read this card you gave me. You just picked the first one you came to that said “To my wife”. That’s why I quiz you on the sentiment behind the words on the card. To see you squirm.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

True Wife Confessions Part 1

Confession #001

Maybe the scratches on the top of car weren't caused by the car wash. Maybe they were caused by your daughter cheerfully clearing the car off with the steel tipped snow shovel. Maybe.

Confession #002

I know that you do loads of your own laundry when I'm not home. I know that you ignore the stack of the family laundry and wash your own personal load. I know this cause I find them in the dryer, and there is no coincidence large enough to convince me that this is "just what you happened to throw in". Especially as it has happened repeatedly for 15 years. This makes me unreasonably mad. That's why I leave all your clothes for the end, sometimes.

Confession #003

Your electronic organizer? The one you loved in 1998? Yeah. That didn't fall out of your car and get run over by your tire. I washed and dried it in the laundry , then tried to get you to think you'd done it by wedging it under your tire, in the rain.

Confession #004

I always spend more than I've told you I've spent. ALWAYS. No one gets this many shoes for what you think I've spent. That's the beauty of my own checking account.

Confession #005

I know where your belt, glasses or wallet are. I just think it's funny to watch you run around like a crazy person looking for them.

Confession #006

I WANT you to go out with your friends. Please. Get out of the house. Plus you always come home awfully grateful for what you have at home after listening to your friends bitch and moan about their wives.

Confession #007

When I say, "I don't care", sometimes I don't care. Sometime I do. Listen for the tone. It's been 15 years, it shouldn't be this hard to figure out.

Confession #008

When you go out of town, I play video games like a maniac. I also leave the bathroom door open when I pee, cause you aren't there to get all freaked out. And I don't do the dishes until right before you come home. Basically, chaos reigns.

Confession #009

I'm not really sleeping when I bump you at night. You're snoring Loudly and I have got to do something to stop the noise.

Confession #010

Your mother and I talk about you. When you are being a shit, I call her and she convinces me to stay married to you. You don't know how much you owe to your mother. Seriously.