Monday, June 25, 2007

True Wife Confession 193 rainbow jimmies on my soft serve

Confession #1921

The irony is, I married you because you were a safe choice: You loved
me and promised you would never cheat on me. That's all I've ever
wanted: someone to protect my heart. That's lame and un-PC, but I
don't care. I wanted it.

I stood by you through all the moves, all the lost jobs. I worked
three jobs because it's what a good wife does. And I believed I'd be
rewarded someday. But it was always all about you. You cheated anyway.
Repeatedly. You never really cared. You masturbated every day, but you
couldn't bring yourself to make love to me. I'm average weight. Some
say I'm pretty. I don't see what else I could have done to be more

I don't want you back. It's been over a year, and I really know I
don't. But I don't feel any better than I did a year ago. I gave
everything, and I don't have it in me to do it again. I was a stupid
martyr and it's my own fault. I know that. I'm 29 years old, and I
can't wait to grow old and die, because this is as good as it gets.

I would never kill myself. I thought about it, really thought about,
but I could never do that to my parents and friends. But I want to die
young. I have a GYN exam tomorrow, and I've been having weird,
irregular periods. It's probably nothing, but a small part of me hopes
it's something terrible and I'm going to die. And there are women with
terminal diseases reading this and telling me to fuck off, because
they want to live, and I'm sorry for that, too. I wish I could give
them my health.

There's so much I want to tell you: that two weeks after I asked you
to leave, my birth mother found me. She's needy like me, but she's had
a rough life. My brother packed up his family and moved them across
the country so he could abandon them to have an affair with our
cousin. He lives with her now. My nephew is a wreck. My sister remains
an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Her live-in boyfriend is a
recovering heroin addict. Dad forgets more every day, but I love him
so much, and the thought of him not being here makes me cry as I write
this. Mom has had enough and sometimes goes days without showering,
just staring out the window, and there's nothing I can do to make that
better. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps her going is the
fact that she thinks I'm happy. But I know she's disappointed in me.

She cried the other day because there would be no more babies in her
house. She cared for 350 kids as a foster mother, one of whom was me.
She can't deal with a life without children. I told her I don't want
any kids. The truth is, I do. But that would mean finding a man who
wants them with me, and having more left than I do. I think the best I
can do for my unborn children is not give them me for a mother.

Confession #1922

I find it ludicrous that you are blaming me for not being able to pay for
WOW. Do you forget that I have access to your checking account and can see
exactly where you spent your money? Your overdraft fiasco (spending $300
when I TOLD YOU you had only $170 in your account is YOUR problem, by the
way) happened over a month ago. You have had 2 paychecks since then, of
which I have left you the majority; it is no longer my fault you are low on
funds. You spend over $100 per paycheck on food (some is from grocery
stores I give you that; but that is about 1/5 of your food money). I spend
under $50 per paycheck on food, most of which is from restaurants . Start
buying your lunches (and dinners!) from the grocery store, that should save
you at least $100 per month. And when you go to the grocery store, buy ONLY
WHAT YOU NEED, not snacks and desserts. Furthermore, beer is a WANT not a
NEED. I have not bought alcohol for the house/myself in at least a month
and a half (and then, it was only because YOU wanted it). I dare you to not
drink for a month and see how much money you save. You don't need to go out
to Town Hall 3 times a week either. You spent $70 IN TWO DAYS at a bar. (I
don't care if you “owed” someone; if you can't afford to pay someone back
stop mooching off them in the first place. Keep your finances separate from
your friends') Then you spent $40 in a sitting at a restaurant. And I am
the reason you don't have $12 a month for WOW? BULLSHIT. You really have
some nerve. You need to shape up your spending choices; you are not being
frugal, which I told you we need to be right now. Should I just always
pretend we are behind the bills and in a state of emergency just to get you
to save a reasonable amount of money? I realize I have made some mistakes
with our money in the past, but I am taking positive steps to repay our debt
and create better spending habits especially since our money is tight right
now. I changed my ways. It's time you changed yours.

Confession #1923

I got the final divorce documents from you today in an email. I sat here at work, crying over them, trying to hide the tears from my coworkers.

I knew it was coming, I tried to prepare for it, I even tried joking and making light of it to make myself feel better, but none of it worked.

Does this affect you like it does me? Of course it doesn’t, I know that, I know that you are well beyond the feelings and emotions that come with all of this. And maybe that’s why it hurts me so badly, because I know it doesn’t hurt you.

I’ve spent the last 3 months practically begging you to stay with me, I still love you. Even as I signed all of the initial paperwork, deep down I kept hoping I could change your mind. I didn’t want to fight you on this…why fight to be with someone who doesn’t want you?

But these papers are the end. That’s it. Once I sign them, it’s over. No more chances to convince you. The finality of it all is hitting me hard. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the wife to you I should have been. And what I wouldn’t give to have another chance to be what you deserve.

Confession #1924

I almost left you. I am not sure if you know how close I was. But I didn't. I came to my senses and realized that my life with you - while not perfect - is pretty damn good. I love you.

Confession #1925

When we were married and your cousin was living with us, I found the text messages that you were sending her. The text messages said that you wanted to fuck her and that you couldn't wait to be in her arms. I confronted you and you said they were a joke. I said I believed you, but I didn't. I still don't.

We're divorced now. I moved out and you still live with your cousin. I bet you're sleeping together. Gross...she's your fucking cousin. Literally.

Confession #1926

I put a personals ad on craigslist to find a married man to have a relationship with because my marriage is shot. Anger, financial disaster, no trust and more anger. I tried to keep it together for my child.

I met a very sweet guy who quickly got a huge crush on me. He was very funny and sweet and funny and smart and funny.
And we lived in exactly parallel universes.

We get to know each other and I tell him everything. Well almost everything.

So we're out together and we're in a very public place and he tries to kiss me goodbye (which we had done before) and I pull away and an expression of desperation flashes across his face for a split second that reminds me of my husband.

As I'm walking back to work I come to pity him in about 5 minutes. Which is not sexy. Then I realize in 10 minutes that I hate him because he wants to screw around with a woman who is not his wife, which is exactly what my husband did and I didn't tell him about.

He sends me emails and calls and I don't reply. He begins to sound like a stalker so I send him an email and tell him that I don't want to see him or hear from him ever again. He replies and says "I understand" which is really laughable and pathetic, but I never do hear from him again.

Confession #1927

When we are out with other people, and you use that voice...the one that makes me feel like I am six years old and have done something wrong? Those are the moments when I positively hate you.

Confession #1928

I don't mind that you don't sleep in bed with me. After so long, I almost prefer it.

Confession #1929

Sometimes I go online and type his name into google, and his picture is the first one that comes out. I look at him and I can't stop looking. I always thought he had nice eyebrows.

But what I'm looking at is the past- I miss the person he was then and that person that I was then. I know that in real life he turned out to be an arse, and that I turned out to be too needy and he raged at me and pushed me away. Somehow, I would find it easy to forgive him. And I also know that if we got together again, it would blow up just as quickly.

But I remember that he was the boyfriend that every girl should have. He brought me tulips. When I was 19 and he was 17 and it was the first signs of spring after a very long winter. How we walked around the square and I wore a brown silk blouse with a high collar, and we argued over the plural of 'rhinoceros'. How we rode around the island on a bicycle. I felt young then, and that is precious to me. I felt younger then than I did when I was younger than that. It was the first time I was aware of the fact that I was a woman and could make men feel that way.

In my life now, there is no place for him and I am happy with that. But something must be said about the gorgeous memory. I miss nobody else like I miss him.

Confession #1930

I know something is wrong, but you wouldn't tell me, even if you knew. Instead, you stomp and pout and tear around the house, angry at everything, everyone. I have asked you to share things with me, but you never do. I wonder if deep down you feel it is somehow unmanly to share your troubles with me. It could make our relationship so much better if you simply shared with me.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

True Wife Confession 192 member states of the United Nations

Confession #1911

You are cranky and overworked and overwhelmed, and you've been taking it out on me for the past couple weeks. It's not fair, but it's understandable, and I've put up with it. But last night, when I was exhausted and achey and pukey and just feeling like utter doo-doo, you came home early to help me out. You fixed your own dinner (ok, you warmed up your own leftovers) and put the baby to bed, and I was able to go to sleep at 8:30. THANK YOU SO MUCH for that. I know you're tired and stressed and you need a break. And I know you could have spent last night catching up on work or sleep. But this pregnancy is kicking my ass, and it means so much to me that you recognized how much I need a break too, and that you chose to spend last night putting my needs before your own. I love you madly, sweetheart.

Confession #1912

They are all talking about you behind your back. You wouldn't believe me if I told you this, because you'd think I was just saying this to piss you off. You don't understand empathy. It pains me terribly when I hear what they say.....sometimes they say these things to my face, because they assume I feel the same way.

Please get help. Please see a psychiatrist.

Why do you do this to yourself????

Confession #1913

I am the mother of 2 children. I do have a favorite child. That doesn’t mean I love the other one any less, I just have a favorite.

Confession #1914

I love you. It still shocks me how much I love you.
We're getting married this year, and I'm astonished by
how much I look forward to being your wife. Being
your family. I'm so glad to have had your baby, this
little connective piece between you and me.

I'm going to divorce you once the baby grows up and
moves out. You don't know this, and I can't tell
anyone. I hate the thought of ending the only
marriage I'll ever have, but I'm already looking
forward to it. I NEED this to look forward to.

Because I can't stand the thought of spending the rest
of my life invisible in here while you lose entire
weeks playing online games. I've given up trying to
talk to you about this; they're more important than we
are, I know, I won't fight that any more. You weren't
sure if your teammates would understand you being away
from the team for a few minutes when I needed help
with our screaming newborn and everything else in the
house... you weren't sure. What about ME not being
sure if I'M okay with you playing video games while I
try to hold everything in our joint world together by
myself? I don't count?

This is killing me. It hurts so badly.

So, I'm going to divorce you when the baby grows up
and moves away. Even though I believe that marriage
is a once-in-a-lifetime commitment, even though I hate
myself for going through with the wedding knowing it
can't be forever. I love you, and I want to be with
you, and I want to be your wife. I just wish I were
really getting a husband.

Confession #1915

I love you. I do, so much.

I am not her. I am NOT her.

I will not do what she did.

Please believe me.

Confession #1916

You only want to touch me when you're drunk.

Which is fine, because neither of us are really the touchy type.

But for the love of the gods of all religions kiss me just once without persuasion from good old Captain Morgan.

Oh, and another thing. Next time you decide to drink to the point of poisoning, I will rip all of your hair out and put a huge scratch on your guitar. I'm not mad that you threw up EVERYWHERE, I am mad because you were having delirium tremors! You're an idiot, darling. A real idiot. You could have killed yourself. I love you. Don't scare me.

Confession #1917

I could hardly believe the nerve of you telling me how to parent OVER THE PHONE when you had been gone for a week on a business trip and I am alone with our child, exhausted from not sleeping for days. The moment when you started preaching to me that I was wrong for letting her come into the bed at 2 in the morning, I wanted to shout FUCK YOU and hang up. I hadn't slept more than 4 hours in four days, shithead - what the fuck did I care? As you sleep in posh hotels, alone.

Confession #1918

I cannot deal with you anymore. You are bringing me down to the dark place I haven't been to in a very long time, you know the place where I want to hurt myself, make all the pain go away. You ask how mothers can kill their kids? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say unsupportive, whiney, petulant husbands play a role.

Yesterday was fathers day. Instead of being happy you are able to spend time with your three healthy children at an amusement park you pouted that you couldn't go on the adult rides, did you think we were going to leave the kids at the gate and say, ok stay here? Umm NO!!!!! If it wern't for these beautiful children you wouldn't be able to celebrate fathers day.

Instead of being grateful for the heartfelt homemade cards and gifts your kids made you, you tried to make me feel like shit because I didn't buy you a card, umm asshole, get over it, your CHILDREN made you things, my GOD!
Oh, and yes, I'm sorry I got you the wrong kind of cake, excuse me for not remembering that you dont like ice cream cake, i mean, its only got the stuff you like in it, give me a fucking break! Oh, and by the way, the kids and I got food poisoning from it and instead of helping out you fucking went out back and pouted about your miserable fathers day.

Allow me to put it into perspective for you.

On fathers day, some fathers watched their children die.
On fathers day some fathers visited grave sites.
On fathers day some fathers were visited by the military with the news that their child had died overseas.
On fathers day some fathers have been cut off by vindictive ex-wives, jail terms, time, distance of their own making, and demons they must fight.

You didn't get the right kind of cake and couldn't go on a roller coaster.

Your a fucking spoiled brat and right now I cannot stand you. I was asked on Friday what I was going to get you for fathers day, my answer was I wasn't going to kill you until Monday. Guess what, its Monday and I'm fucking tempted. You need to go see a counselor, or we both do, but you have issues and I'm SICK of you taking it out on me, do you understand me? How many more times will you try to cut me down and make me feel like shit because we don't live up to your expectations? You don't fucking SHARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS SO WHAT CAN WE DO BUT FAIL?????!!!!!!! Stop setting me up for failure and maybe, just maybe I'll start to give a shit about what you want anymore.

Confession #1919

I am jealous over your friend "G". Even though you have given me absolutely no reason not to trust you. Even though in the two years we've been together, I know that you have only spoken to her once. She has called and left messages for you at least three times, and I know you have never returned her calls. The only contact you have had with her was one phone call (she initiated the call) back when we first got together... and the two Christmas cards she sent you.

Now she has moved back from far away. This weekend is your birthday and we are planning a get together with friends. She will be there, and I will meet her for the first time. I am dreading it oh-so-much.

Confession #1920

I love you with all my heart. But your sexual rejection of me has taken its toll. I didn't stay behind this weekend just to see my Dad for Father's Day. I spent Saturday afternoon with another man. He's not as attractive as you, but he wanted me and that was sexy. He kept saying that you have to be insane to not want me. I think he's right. I'd rather have you, but I'll settle for him on the side.

Stop telling me what I feel, after I have told you what I feel. It only confirms that you aren't listening to me at all.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Happy Birthday True Wife

It was just over a year ago that I launched this site.

I continue to be amazed by each of you - the readers, the contributors, the commenter's.

Regardless of what any one writes, you give me faith in women. Women in every situation, even ones we can't imagine - ones we don't want to imagine, or condone or think about - have the right to be heard.

You have each become a part of me and we have listened together.

Monday, June 11, 2007

True Wife Confessions 191 - not a lucky number for airplane flights

Confession #1901

Thank you for the anniversary watch. You're right; it's
perfect. Thanks for coming with me to check out the other options.

Confession #1902

I loved you with every cell of my body and soul. I felt your kiss all the way to the tip of my toes. You told me I was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen after I had given birth to another man’s baby. You promised me everything and I believed you. 3 years I was consumed by you and you asked me to wait, so I did………patiently. I would have waited forever.

But then lo and behold……….I find out about another woman who has stolen your heart from me. I could literally feel my heart break and when I confronted you, you acted as if it was no big deal.

The love turned to self-pity and then anger. I thought about how bad you were in bed and that I was willing to look past that for the simple way you made me feel inside.

So I slept with your best friend. Do me a favor. Take some notes because he rocked my world.

Confession #1903

Thank you so much for supporting me thru everything.
You've kept your mouth shut about the surgery, and
supported me. I see now just how much you love me. I
know we've had our problems, and we've both made
mistakes, but there is no doubt in my mind that you're
the one i NEED to spend the rest of my life with.

Confession #1904

Dearest ex-husband,

You had nothing nice to say about my children, so a year ago yesterday, I left you. I got tired of the way you were constantly hounding them for everything. They are morally upstanding kids, which is more than can be said for your children. My son is NOT worthless because he isn't going to college. He joined the Marines. He is doing something that you could NEVER do. He is supporting himself. As I recall, I supported you and your girls for two years. He's a man. You, on the other hand, are still so much of a child.

Did you know that your 16 year old daughter was pregnant a few months ago and had an abortion? NO. But I do. As you so aptly stated to my son, "Suck on that, muchacho."

Confession #1905

I have been considering doing something that, if you did it, I would leave you for. It's not even that awful, but in my heart it feels like it is. It feels like it's an admission that this might not be working. That maybe we did get married too fast. That we should never have had a baby. That I didn't think things through, and that you didn't either. What I'm considering doing is taking out an ad for a platonic male pen-pal, someone in a different city and state, who will flirt with me. Who I will never meet, who I will never tell my real name to, who I will never send a picture to, but who will take some time out of his day to tell me I'm clever or pretty (sight unseen) or worthwhile. Because you don't.

Also, when my exboyfriend emailed me a month ago, it made me happy. Not because I want to see him, but because it was attention. Truth be told, he was worse than you when it came to compliments and attention, but we did have a really good sex life, and I think about that often these days when you and I are pointedly not making love, not kissing, rarely communicating beyond questions that barely scratch the surface. So I'm going to keep writing to him. It's safe, and it makes me feel a little desired.

I know I haven't lost the baby weight. It hasn't been that long, though, and I'm really only 10 pounds heavier than when we met. I'm working on it, but I really don't think it'll make a difference to you. Our sex life was not great even before the baby. First it was the porn, then - what? I don't know.

Tonight or tomorrow, I will ask you to go to counselling with me. We need to learn how to communicate. When it was just me that it was affecting, I could live with it. But now that our child is involved, I must learn to talk to you about things, and you with me. For example, not going to the doctor about something that could possibly be nothing but that could also quite possibly be very serious? Whipping down mountain roads at 70 mph? That's stupid when you have a child to think about. You're one of the smartest people I know, so why are you so stupid sometimes?

I love you so much. But I wonder what you are doing on your laptop when I'm not around. You're staying up later and later, and I just wonder. That makes me sad.

Confession #1906

I love you my dear boyfriend. I do. With every breath I take I love you even more. I love the fact that we are in our early twenties, full time students, and work full time, yet we still make time for our beloved nieces, nephew, and younger siblings. In fact most of our weekends are spent doing things for family members. It’s a blessing to have someone in my life, who is committed as I am to helping those around me who need us. We are very appreciated throughout both our families. Confession time…. I love our nieces and nephews so much. I do. We’ve had them at least 2 weekends out of the month since they were 2, and the oldest is 7. Sometimes I struggle with the thought of if I’ll ever be able to love our own “future” kids as much as I love my nephew and nieces. My family always says I love and treat them like my own, but is this really possible? I mean should I have some maternal instinct inside of me, that doesn’t pose this kind of question?? What’s wrong with me? Will my own kids love me as much as my nieces and nephew? What will happen when we have our own? I am very fearful of the day when we get married, start our careers, and have our own kids. I can’t loose the bond I have built with my angels, I love them too much.

Confession #1907

I think of you as two distinct people: the man with
whom I fell in love and married, and the man with whom
I now live.

Did I do this to you? You used to be so kind and
solicitous, cooking for me, asking me if I needed
anything when you got up, sending me sweet messages at
random times just to let me know you were thinking of
me. I did all those things too, because I enjoyed
them from you and wanted to return the favor, but at
some point you stopped doing them yourself and stopped
appreciating my kindness so much as expecting it. You
act like a spoiled child. It's stupid petty shit,
too: you wait for me to get out of bed and make coffee
for you, even if you get up hours before I do; you
ignore the overflowing laundry hamper, expecting me to
do it all, and then complain if the shirt you want to
wear hasn't been washed; you act like you're being
generous taking my dinner plate away, and hours later
when I go down to the kitchen I find the plates
sitting on the counter NEXT to the sink with food
crusted on them, which I will have to scrub off since
you seem to have lost the ability to clean dishes.
None of it is catastrophic or earth-shaking, and you
haven't betrayed me in any meaningful way, but your
little discourtesies make me feel like you take my
presence and my efforts for granted.

It is so much to ask that YOU make ME coffee once in a
while? That you occasionally do a load of laundry or
some dishes? That you help me with dinner or do the
dishes after I cook for you, or, gasp, actually cook
and clean up YOURSELF sometimes so I can have a night
off? I miss how you used to pick up little things for
me when you stopped at the store for something.
Little things like that show me you're thinking about
me, and these days I don't seem to cross your mind
unless I've done something wrong or you want to get
laid. I'm tired of being just a receptacle for your
horniness. We've been married for several years now,
but I AM STILL A PERSON. I still need you to
appreciate the things I do, express your appreciation,
and return the courtesy. I am not your maid, and
taking care of a grown-up manchild is NOT the job I
signed up for when we got married. How do I get back
that man you used to be, the one who appreciated my
wit and pleasant nature, who was always polite and
respectful, who was so self-sufficient that my doing
things like laundry and dishes shocked and amused him?
Did I chase him away by doing too much for you?
Should I stop? You're making it so hard to want to be
nice to you.

Confession #1908

My sweet husband

I seemed to have developed a crush on one of my co-workers. I feel its harmless, we work together, share common interests and obviously have a lot to talk about. And that's where I believe it's come from, because for 2 years I had never found him physically attractive, but now that we are on the same project, and have worked closely for 6 months, I find myself "crushing" on him. I've even had two dreams. I really believe and know in my heart I would never act or say anything aloud about it, it would destroy two homes and a great working relationship. I respect you, our family, him and his family to much. I feel guilty enough for talking to him, smiling or laughing with him and going to lunch I feel like I should wear dark glasses. I hope it passes soon.

I love you and I love us to much to ever jeopardize our relationship and our family by acting on it, I just wish I would stop thinking about him. I promise I am trying.

Confession #1909

I am so sick of you talking about money and bills and the laundry and the weather and your to do list on the weekend which rarely includes anything fun for the 2 of us to do together. Do you even remember what the word means?

The truth is, we are doing quite fine with money. Everybody wants more. But our bills are paid. Don't you remember years ago when we were so in the hole????? We are so fortunate now.

I told you @ Christmas time all I wanted for Christmas was one night alone together. That lasted a couple weeks. I even told you I was bored in this marriage. But I guess you are wrapped too tight in your worrying that you are not too concerned with this.

I know you love me and I love you. I just wanna have fun once in awhile. I want to ride on the back of a motorcycle, go on a cruise, laugh........ You are acting like an old fart and I am not ready to be an old fart yet.

What startles me is I've pretty much stopped trying to bring this to your attention. My job has been taking a lot out of me with having to work 6 days a week. (not my choice) I don't remember the last time we had sex. Why doesn't that present a big red flag to you? I don't get it. And I've just stopped caring for the time being.

I'm not interested in anyone else. But I miss that excitement.

Confession #1910

the house smells sooo clean, not because I am an excellent
housekeeper (I am not) , but because I pour bleach on the basement
floor where the fucking cat has pissed! How disgusting! That
fucking feline pisses on the fucking concrete floor just because her
litter box is dirty. I hate her. I hate me too for not cleaning her
litter box. The house always looks clean enough- even with two kids
messing it up all day long, but it is really a pig sty. I tidy up,
but never clean and everybody thinks I am a great housekeeper and
they go on and on that I am such a perfect mom, yada yada yada- fuck
them- who cares, I have two kids to raise. I enjoy my kids all day
while my husband works and I never clean. He's a slob anyways, so he
would never notice if I actually cleaned rather than picked up. I
laugh a little inside because people are fooled, but I am seriously
grossed out that my cat pees on the floor because the litter box is
dirty. and it's probably not good to be breathing bleach fumes!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

True Wife Confession 190 -composer of Dance Dance Revolution

Confession #1891

Baby I love you. You are so sweet to me. I love that often you orgasm before I do but you keep going to make sure that I get mine too. But . . . .


I know your friends love you and I know that you're needed - I get it! You're wonderful! Why else do you think i'm here? But for the love of god PLEASE. Yesterday you got off full force and then I pulled out my vibe to assist and you seemed into it and into helping me get off too and then your phone rings AND YOU ANSWERED IT. You are so addicted to that damn gadget sometimes I want to throw it against the wall, but I won't cause I love that phone.

I told you I wouldn't post anything to TWC, that I would talk to you about it but I think about it and things could be, and for me have been, a lot worse. I don't want to nag you. You are so great to me, and I have very few complaints (sure you sometimes spend too much, or you ditch me for your friends, but you aren't a philandering asshole and you treat me love and respect).

I can't wait to be your wife. I love you.

Confession #1892

Our sex life sucks right now. How can you not care? We used to have sex three times a day! We don't even have kids, and I haven't let myself go, so there's no excuse for you! I really don't want to think about how it might be related to the fact that you are now in your 40s.

And what is it with you and not liking it when I initiate? I don't think you've EVER said yes when I try to start it with you. That can't be normal. Last night you looked so sweet lying there sleeping while I was reading a chick lit book with lots of sex in it. I woke you up because I was going to fuck your brains out, you ass. But instead you whine, "I'm sleeping." I thought men loved it when women make the first move!

I'm having fantasies about your boss. Just so you know.

Confession #1893

To my ex:

I know you killed our two cats. Oh, not by outright abuse, but by neglect. (The same way you killed our marriage.) In December of 2003 both cats were fine. By July of 2004 they had both deteriorated to the point where they had to be euthanized. True, they were both 17 years old, but their health issues could be managed; I proved that by taking care of them while I was still with you. After Moose's death, I saw in his file that, a few months ago, the vet didn't think you would carry out his care instructions because of the divorce.

My Moose, my beautiful baby, went from 13 pounds of fur and love to a six pound, emaciated creature who *stank*. How can you think that is normal, you self-absorbed, knuckle-dragging jerkoff?! Of course he was drooling constantly - he had a huge sarcoma under his tongue! And you still thought the vet could give him something to "make him better"??! When I saw him in that condition I wanted to punch your lights out. Sometimes I wish I had.

If I could have taken them with me when I left, I would have. In a heartbeat. The fact that I couldn't still eats away at me. I still have nightmares about them and what I allowed to happen to them. I should have been there for them. I shouldn't have left them with a narcissistic prick who couldn't be bothered to care for the two sweet furbabies that were initially his before we even met.

There aren't enough epithets to describe what a loathsome being you are. There's not a hot enough place in Hell for you, either, but I'm sure they'll think of something.

Confession #1894

I can say without hesitation that I am completely over you. Of course, this means that you should show up on my doorstep any day asking to be let back into my life.
Because you seem to have some cosmic sense of knowing. What you don't know is that I have changed,and you just don't appeal to me anymore.

Confession #1895

I think I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t know why I feel think way, I just do. I think I am a good person, have a lot of wonderful things and people in my life….I am very blessed but at the same time I feel totally fucked up. I want to get married have children and raise a wonderful family but I have such a hard time meet good guys and being able to trust them. I am 31 years old and although I know there are good guys out there I never seem to meet them and if I do I don’t feel the “chemistry”. I have always said I wanted to get married, but I think at the same time I am scared….scared of losing my independence, scared of losing myself and scared about making the wrong decision. I also suffer from some perfectionism….I am uber hard on myself and I think I should do and be perfect. I know it oozes out of me and I can’t image that guys don’t sense that and feel pressure. Although anal I have a very casual streak in me and I really can go with the flow. I don’t want to be so intense…..I want to go with the flow. I don’t know if this feeling of having been sexually abused as a child is a result of all of this. Maybe it has to do with my father having beat me as a child for no apparent reason and I just never knew what might set him off….maybe that is why I try to be so perfect and feel this need to be perfect. I need to be perfect because then I will be loved by my dad…..who passed away seven years ago……will I ever be normal?

Confession #1896

Why can't I just come out and tell you: I want a wedding ring.

Confession #1897

To my love:

I really wish you would stop pushing me away. I'm really trying to fix all the things I damaged in our relationship but its hard to do when you act like you don't want to be around or talk to me. I know I did a lot of bad things and I have apologized for that. I want nothing more than to have you back in our lives and to be happy again. The fact that you are being sent a way for a year with the military is making it worse cause now you don't even want to try to fix things. Just because you will be in a different state for a year doesn't mean we can't be together. We have done it before. Things were amazing. The separation made us appreciate our time together even more. I want that feeling again. I want to know that you love me. I miss hearing you tell me how much you love and miss me. What else can I do to make things better. We both know that we want each other. How do we get back to that. I am really trying here. And I feel that you aren't taking any of it seriously.

Forever & always


Confession #1898

You've told me a little about your previous girlfriends before we married. The last ex wasn't too terribly bright, but at the time you thought you loved her ... and you carry those feelings still. She had always wanted children, but you were childfree a decade before I even taught you the term. You've told me that you talked her into getting an abortion, and that you feel guilty, so terribly guilty about that.

However, no matter how guilt ridden you are, it isn't your fault that she was diagnosed with a uterine problem mere months later. It is not your fault that she's infertile now. And you know something? You tell me these things with so much pain in your voice, and I try to sympathize, I really do, but secretly, I'm glad. Even if your ex had kept the baby, and even if we had ended up meeting anyway -- we still wouldn't be together.

There's just no way on earth I would have gotten together with a father, even one whose sole interaction with his child would be a monthly cheque. There are no guarantees in life, and you might have ended up with custody. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone, but there is no way I could play second fiddle -- even for you.

Confession #1899

Dear husband,
Day before yesterday I was "propositioned" by a married coworker. Apparently he thought he could easily convince me since you are out of the country. Nope. I'm glad that you and I have such a great relationship that I would never even consider accepting such an invitation. You are all that I need, sweetheart. I love you.

Confession #1900

I know you're worried about the recent re-connect between my and my ex. You're right to be worried--I'm still a little bit in love with him. Always have been, always will be. And no, I've never loved anyone (not even you, sorry) the way I did--and do--love him.

Monday, June 04, 2007

True Wife Confessions 189 Centered Cube

Confession #1881

You taught the baby the word "butt." Your dad taught him "fart." Thanks.

Confession #1882

Sometimes you irritate the hell out of me. You can piss me off more than anyone I've ever known (with the possible exception of my mother). Sometimes you can be so insensitive that I'd like to scrub the toilet with your toothbrush or glue your butt cheeks together.

But most of the time, you make me feel powerful, worthy, loved and so beautiful. I adore you. Thank you for marrying me.

Confession #1883

All those jokes are right: a cleaning service is way cheaper than a divorce!

I'm so glad we got the cleaning service. I must admit I felt a
little insulted that my housekeeping wasn't "good enough," though of
course I know that my housekeeping sucks. I don't know why I felt
like the house was totally my responsibility, anyway. No-one thinks
a thing if a homeowner outsources lawn care. Why do we think there's
something wrong with a person if she outsources cleaning? Is it a
sexism thing?

Confession #1884

The other day, we were laying in bed - kissing and cuddling when you said "Your face is like the promise of summer."

That was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me - Ever. And when I started to cry, you kissed every tear away.

I can't wait for the day when we are both free to be together, forever.

Confession #1885

I picked you over him because he couldn't give me children. Now that I have kids with you, I want him back. But he died, and that's what I'm crying about when I tell you I'm PMSing.

Confession #1886

Yesterday something inside me finally clicked. It's definitely over for me and now I feel so at peace within myself, I never expected that feeling. I know it will be over a year till we finally get the point of actually being able to live in separate places but I know it will happen with or without your help and the feeling is so incredible. I just hope you stay in our children's life because no matter how much I hate you I don't want them to hate you. I want them to have the best of both of us.

Confession #1887

You just pissed me off. I am tired of always doing what you should take care of and then you question me about it. You are a pig most of the time. I called you to ask for your credit card number so I COULD PAY YOUR FUCKING BILL!! you act like I'm going to run your bill up. I have never once used any of your credit cards and I thought I was being nice by paying the payment. PAY IT YOURSELF ASSHOLE. I hope you get late fees too. PRICK!!!!

Confession #1888

What the heck happened to my sex drive? I wish I could have saved
all that lust that I felt so guilty about in high school and
college. I find it especially ironic that I now feel guilty for not
feeling sexy. Did I use up all my libido premaritally?

Confession #1889

at 13 i stole money over a year's time from my father's girlfriend.
the last time i stole from her they had me arrested and pressed
charges. it all amounted to $500-$700. i was a very screwed up
little girl and no one cared about me. my father saw me about once a
month, if that, and my mother was a horror of a human being. he knew
that when he divorced her. he left me with her. left me for her to
raise. how could he have expected me to be anything but fucked up.
yet he would rather have me arrested for what i did, than actually
have to parent. this is the first time i have ever admitted to
actually stealing the money. i denied it then, and my mother hired
me an attorney (the charges required me to have representation- she
didn't do it to help me). the judge ruled against my father and
scolded him for putting me through this and not being a father to
me. the judge also said that although he suspected that i was
guilty, he could not be sure. he said that if indeed i had done it,
i was a child in need and that my father should not place it upon the
courts to clean up his mess.

yes, i was a bad child. i knew it then. i turned myself around when
i finally realized no one would ever be there for me and i had to be
there for myself. that has held true for 15 years now. i have a
wonderful husband, two beautiful children and a lovely home. i also
have no relationship with my father since i was 13 (i am now thirty
something) and i have had no relationship with my mother for six
years. they failed as parents and never tried to do right by me. i
take responsibility for my actions then but i am not to blame for
their shortcomings as parents. i do not fell guilty for having no
contact with them and do not feel guilty for keeping their
grandchildren from them.

Confession #1890

Last night you asked me what was wrong, I said nothing and got up and walked away. I said nothing because I am tired of trying to tell you that when you don't touch me it hurts. It fucking HURTS! I am tired of the only contact I have daily being from my five year old. Thank G-D she is at least generous with her hugs. I know I'm 8 months pregnant, but you know what? I still look pretty damn good. I still wear make-up everyday, shave my legs and I haven't gained a tremendous amount of weight either.

You are 23 fucking years old. Don't hand me that "I'm tired" crap anymore because you know what? It takes 8 seconds to hug or kiss your wife.

Friday, June 01, 2007

True Wife Confessions 188 minutes spent transfixed by Maj Jong

Confession #1871

I have never told anyone and my husband hasn't either- even the women
he has slept with before me. My husband has one ball. Undescended
testicle that was removed as a child. He is not very good at sex and
has very little sex drive. I always wonder if the two are
connected. I don't question his sexuality, and I feel very
attractive- I just never get the "hotness" that I did with other
men. Maybe that's a good thing since we have two kids- I'm too busy
to have sex all the time. But things just feel kind of blah between
the sheets.

Confession #1872

You don't know it yet, but I made another appt with a divorce lawyer. If you don't actually go to a therapist like you said you would, then I'm going to divorce you. I'll use the porn and looking up local erotic services against you so you'll have to pay all of the legal fees also. Being with you is like water torture, over time you just get so worn out that you give up. I should've thrown you out of the house instead of me leaving. I feel numb when I'm around you. You need to grow up, be a man, stop your FUCKING whining, and be a father instead of being on the laptop and watching tv. The only time you interact with our son is to tell him to be quiet and to leave you alone. I can't leave him alone with you because you will 'forget' to feed him, thank God he's old enough to get something to eat by himself.
You being 'caught' and quitting your job forced me into a situation I was against from the first time you mentioned it. I can't stand you anymore and you'll get divorce papers for our anniversary next month.

Confession #1873

I want another baby....

I got my tubes tied because you didn't want anymore kids and I told you I was fine with that...

They say you never regret the kids you have, just the ones you don't.

You have no idea.

Confession #1874

I am consumed by belated grief over the fact that the man I wanted to marry eleven years ago didn't want to marry me. I do not see any point in sharing this information with you, seeing as how it's completely inactionable, but that's why I'm acting like a big weirdo.

Confession #1875

There are times when I want to just run away and hide...But I cant..There are times when I want to just scream at you to shut up...But I cant..There are times when I want to tell you that I cant do this anymore...But I cant..I still love you..Thats why I cant...I cant tell you Im a lesbian..I cant tell you that I love her more than you..I cant do that to you...You saved me when no one else would..You brought me out of the darkness that threatened to consume me..How selfish would I be to tell you that I cant love you like you want anymore?...I cant do it..So I will wait..I will hold on to my deepest secrets..I cant hurt you..I cant smash your dreams...So I will pretend...I cant help that I love her more than you..I cant help that she makes me happier than you..It was nothing you did..You made me happy..You showed me that there is more to life than the sorry exsistance I led..Im so fucking selfish..*Sigh*..That is why I cant tell you these things..That is why Im so secretive about how I feel now..You found out that I didnt love you like I used to..But I think I have you fooled into believing that I didnt mean it like I said...But truth be told..I did mean it the way I said..I dont love you like I used to..I love you more like a friend..More like a brother..But I cant tell you that..I cant hurt you like that...

Im so fucking selfish..But I will never tell you how I feel..I cant.

To the people of TWC..Thank you for letting me vent..*Sigh*..

Confession #1876

I was confession 1859. About an hour after I sent the confession I realised I really needed him to see it. So I printed out and took it home. I sat quietly in the other room while he read it. He was mad. Really mad. He called my a selfish cunt. I told him, "You realise that my whole life for the past 2 years or so has been wrapped up in your health and mental state? This is my whole life. What kind of a life do you think that is for me? Yes, you are sick. But your sickness is seeping into others lives".
We rang the local psychiatric crisis line. We went in and he had an evaluation. He was admitted for a 3 days to get himself sorted out and started on the way to getting better. He came home and we made a pact. If we love each other we will help each other. We will help ourselves. I love him so much. Him being better will improve my life but more importantly, him being better will give him his life back. He didn't want to lose me. I suspect me losing him would have been much more permanent. I no longer live in dread of going home and finding him dead.

I write a letter to myself in a years time and I wish myself and my husband happiness and good health. I hope in a years time I thank myself for that wish.

Confession #1877

To the man who erased my heart,
I fell.... so hard for you. I let you in my life, I let you in my sons life, and you betrayed me worse then anyone on this planet could have ever betrayed me. You were such a nice guy you made me laugh, I felt like I finally found what I've been searching for, for so long. Real love, not lust, but the love that hurts your insides and your heart because all you want to do is be with that person and make them happy. I was so scared of how you made me feel, I ran from it time and time again. I thought of every possible reason for leaving you, just to protect my heart from being broken again. But I realized I was in love with you and I was having your baby. I opened up, I didn't want to be a cold-hearted man hating bitch anymore. I wanted to love with everything inside of me. I told you all of my pain, all my sorrow. I told you things that I have never told anyone. I was molested by my cousin when I was seven, I was beaten for five years by "my first love" I was raped by a man that I don't even know what his name is. I told you everything because I knew you were different and you would be the man that I would marry. I never thought of marriage until you came into my life. God... I fell so hard for you.
........And what do you do to me? You beat my son, my baby, my heart and soul, my precious two year old son!!!!!!!!!! How dare you, who the fuck do you think you are to do this to my son and me? You are a worthless, coward, and I will make you pay everyday of your twisted, fucked up little life. You think that you had such a bad childhood, give me a fucking break. I feel nothing but such hatred and resentment toward you that I can't even breath sometimes. I feel sick for not seeing the terrible man that you are. I hate myself for giving you all me. I will never open up and love again like I loved you and I hope that you realize you have demolished my dream of happiness, and normalcy of ever trusting another man again. And I want to thank you for helping me realize that I would be much better off dating women. I hate you, I will never forgive you for what you did. And one day my your son will know what a weak piece of rotten shit you are. And I promise, cross my heart I will make you one sorry son of a bitch. And thats called being a mom!!!!

From- Giving up and moving on!!

Confession #1878

Two fights in one week and NO make-up sex? Sheesh. If it's like this at 28 what will it be like at forty? Christ- I'm in my prime! You're wasting fine real estate here, bucko. Fuck this. Fuck me... PLEASE!

Confession #1879

It all came to a head last night. I have been wondering why you seemed distant, pre-occupied; that sort of thing. I thought you were cheating on me. In fact, I was sure of it. You took another girl out, far as I know. And I thought we had moved past that and were in a really good place. You called me at work, and I missed the call. I called you back 3 minutes later and got no response. I called on my way home-no response. I called, and called. I got home and you werent here. No note, nothing. The lights were all on, the TV on, the animals not fed. I assumed you made last minutes plans with some girl and ran out before I got home. Then I decided that fine, you want to fuck around, I'll catch you-just like last time. I got in my car, in pj's and drove to were I caught you last time. You weren't there. So i drove somewhere else. Not there. And i swear I do not know how i kept the car on the road because I was shaking so bad. My whole body felt like it was burning up. I finally came back home. I called again, and this time your phone was off. That sealed it for me. You were with a girl. I was FUMING. Then about 15 minutes after I got back you walked in. You had to go into work. At first I thought you were lying but then you got a call from a co-worker. I heard you talking about something that just happened at work. I felt so stupid. And guilty. I had just went batshit crazy for no reason. Then you told me you got a job offer over-seas. You want to take it because it is where you're from. You have family there and miss the place that you grew up in. You miss home. You told me to go with you. I cried all night, and most of this morning. I do not know anyone, i barely speak the language, and am not comfortable with the cultural differences there. But today, when you were so sweet, talking to me about how great it is there and how fun it would be, I saw in your eyes how much you really do miss home. So if you decide to do this, I will be right there with you. I just hope you are worth it.

Confession #1880

To friends, family, and assorted acquaintances in our little town:

You know that baby we came home from the hospital with so proudly, after the pregnancy that was such a surprise? He's not my husband's. He's not mine either, genetically. As it turned out, after three rounds of in-vitro and two years of testing, neither of us has gametes that even try to pass themselves on. My eggs are long past their sell-by date and his sperm aren't much better. And you know what? I DON'T CARE. Between us my husband's family and mine, we've got three suicides, five alcoholics and a tried- and- convicted pedophile; they may look all right, but there's depression running through the lot like the fucking San Andreas Fault.

So when it turned out we had no good chance of conceiving, once the news had sunk in and the needle bruises had faded, we decided to just start over. Adoption would have been great, except for a) our ages and b) the list above, didn't exactly make us ideal candidates to an agency. And while searching international adoption, we found..... international egg donation. Holy shit: clinics all over the world, including my grandmother's birthplace, with donors offering young, healthy eggs AND sperm. Blah blah blah exploitation, blah blah interfering with nature: look, poor women in these same countries are giving their babies up for adoption, which has got to be more painful than a few weeks of clinic visits. I know, having been through the whole egg-stimulation and retrieval cycle three times, that it's usually no big deal. Bad reactions to the drugs do happen, but they're rare, and a smart clinic will catch them and stop the whole process.

These people were smart. We couldn't even read the road signs where we were, let alone understand the medical conversations going on around us, but we could feel the high standard of care going on with me -- and see the gorgeous, well-dressed young donors in the waiting room. We weren't allowed to know which was ours or even see a picture: fine! All we wanted was a healthy baby. We're not models, or PhD's, so there was nothing "designer" about our donor match; I didn't even care if the donor looked like me, so gave the clinic pictures of all my close female relatives. The procedure itself was fast and painless. And two weeks later: two pink lines on the stick. Halleluia!

Our boy is so perfect we still can't believe our luck. When people asked about the pregnancy I told the absolute truth, though not all of it: we got our miracle. There's not much physical resemblance to my husband, though people see one, and not at all to me -- and again, I don't give a damn. He's a separate person. Most mothers and kids spend painful years figuring that out: we got the news right out of the box. My job now is to make his life so rich and interesting that when he gets old enough to hear the unusual way he came to us, he's still glad to be here, as our kid. We have only limited background on the donors, and the records are supposed to be closed, but if he wants to search as an adult? Fine. I know we're going to take some heat from relatives, especially, about "how we misled them", and some rednecks around here will probably make stupid cracks. And this does bother me; but the alternatives -- him not being here, or us not telling him the whole story -- are too awful to contemplate. I'm proud to have had the grit to go so far for my son, and overjoyed that he is who he is. And anyone who wants to imply he's not mine? Can bite me, right on my midwife-stitched ass.