Sunday, April 07, 2019

True Wife Confession 330

Confession #3301

Tonight you are meeting with another bi married man for the first time in our marriage. I'm happy for you. After 32 years of listening to your sexual frustration in our relationship, I'm finished. I'm happy for you. Be the best you can be... and so will I.

Confession #3302

To my partner: no one knows about the totally crazy, and unbelievably funny make-believe world we have created, and I hope no one ever gets to. With you, I am the most 'me' I can be, and I hope you are the same. I never thought a relationship could be so filled with love, laughter and passion. After almost 7 years together, I love you more everyday. Thanks to you, it does not matter if we don't have much money or a bigger house - you make me so happy. I love you.

Confession #3303

I am so sorry. You are an amazing husband, father and man.  But right now, and for the last few days, I have been seriously considering sleeping with our old neighbor.  He has been texting me, and I have even been masturbating to his graphic texts. He wants to come up to our new home, and have a fling. I know when we lived in the neighborhood, and he began to come onto me, I told you everything and never exchanged texts with him again.  Now he is newly divorced,and is looking for a cheap easy lay, and wouldn't you know it? I fit the bill. I suck. I know you had your texting affair 3 years ago, and even though we went to counseling, it still burns my heart.  But you really are great, and I don't know why I want to sleep with this manipulative, self righteous, no morals prick, but I really do. I know he does not care about what it will do to our family if you discovered it, he just wants to come, and maybe to know he cuckolded you. He told me he has done married women before. Disgusting, I know.  I just have been feeling so low for the last 9 months since our move north, what with not having a job, and not being able to contribute ANYTHING. (Except laundry, housecleaning and childcare) You know how much working means to me, what a "napoleon complex" I clearly have. I have considered suicide more often than you know.  But after growing up with out my own mom, I could never do that to our babies. When he texted me the messages that he wanted to F*ck me so much, I was so exhilarated and an instant fire was ignited. I have not felt this in so long! I am clearly addicted now, and don't want to come down off of this high. I know what I need to do, stop texting him before I end up having mindless sex with this serial womanizer, and disclose everything to you once more. I pray to GOD that I can do this. I'm so sorry.

Confession #3304

I really hope you come back to me. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. But I would be so, so sad.

Confession #3305

I am really looking forward to our upcoming ‘family’ vacation.  Especially because your spoiled rotten man-child of a son will be there, sulking because he has no money to do what HE wants to do, his lazy ass girlfriend will sit around doing NOTHING to help out, and their child will be whining and crying for an entire week…  I’m looking forward to it, because I just got my Rx’s for Xanax and Zoloft renewed!

Confession #3306

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I found out he cheated on me and now has a daughter. After I worked my ass off in school, take care of the kids, the house, and I work. How could he fucking do this to me? I love him with every fiber of my being and I just want my husband the man I married back. I am so hurt and lost that I don't know what to do. All I know if that I love him. I want him. I need him. I pray that we can get through this because when you love someone with all your heart you stand by them and love them even with all their faults. I know after 7 years you get comfortable. I gained weight after I had our son. I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair because with two kids lets face its sort of impossible. But I never stopped love him. I never would in my life no matter how bad things got, would I ever consider doing this to him. I took vowels better or for worse. I will up hold those until that day comes. He says he wants to work it out but it is a lot to think about. I will stand by him. Is that wrong? Am I just setting myself up to get hurt again. I cant even take off my wedding ring. He wants it to end then he can take them off my finger. After all the plans we made to be together. Grow old together and watch our grand kids play on the front lawn while we are rocking in our chairs old and gray. I want him to see me graduate from nursing school. To be proud of his wife. I cant believe this is happening to us. After everything we have been through. I just want my husband back. To get help to see where we went wrong and fix it. You learn from your mistakes and you move on. I miss him. He says he wants to work everything out but yet he says he feels stuck. Really you feel stuck? How about for one minute how I feel? Where you ever thinking of me when you were with her? How all this would kill me? Nope he never thought about me in this at all. But what do I do?? I love him. I stay and I pick up the pieces and hope that this time everything will go better and we will be OK again.That girl will get what she deserves. Karma is a bitch! I just pray and hope. One day at a time, One step at a time, and just remember to breathe. We can get through this.Why you may ask? Because I feel we are soul mates and we can get through anything. There is something keeping us together that isn't letting me simply walk away. I will always be in love with him. Now and forever until death do us part.

Confession #3307

I don't know who you are anymore! Every time I look at you, you have a cup of whiskey in your hand. I hate the sound that the ice makes against the cup. I am trying to hold our family together but you really are going to make sure that I fail. You say all I do is bitch. For starters, try fucking your wife once a month. The last time I checked I was in my prime and I could do it 5 times a day. Just because you are turning 40 doesn't mean your cock doesn't work! Oh yeah! If you would put that cup of evil down, then maybe you would see what you are missing. Me, your wife of ten years and two beautiful daughters 7 & 9! Stop drinking and driving!!!! D.U.I's are expensive and we can't afford it, FUCKER! What happened to that happy go lucky handsome man that I married? I am against divorce and affairs but...I may have to rethink the latter!

Confession #3308

I've been trying too find a job for a while and its been a hard job market. But yesterday when you told me that you would want me to get any job, even a prostitute because at least I'd be doing something, it broke my heart. You usually would not say anything like that, but when you do get angry, you say the meanest things to me. You probably get that from your mother. It broke my heart when you said you are only with me because of guilt. I may not have a job yet, but i also manage all the financial issues (since you never seemed to pay your stuff on time), clean up after all of your mess, cook healthy dinners so we can lower your high blood pressure, and do errands. I know I'll get a job soon but you didn't have to make me feel so low for it. it was about 30 minutes of you saying the meanest things i ever heard you say. it made me feel like killing myself because i do try all the time to make you happy.

Confession #3309

I don't want to be here anymore. I stay because the thought of leaving and not getting to hold our five kids everyday scares the shit out of me. Then I also wonder what would you do to me if I did leave.
You always said my ex husband was so abusive and you would be so much better for me. You're right you don't cheat on me like he did. You have never been out late or missed a dinner.  You are a very dedicated father.
You have not shared a passionate kiss with me in years. You told me I cried too much when I lost our baby. You let me drive myself to the hospital, even though I looked at you and told you i thought I would bleed to death on the way. When I went into emergency surgery to stop the bleeding I went without you by my side. When the baby was buried I was the only one crying.I pictured it all so different with you.    

When you walked in the hospital after the first baby was born I saw a real man that i was proud to be with. With your next daughter when she was in the NICU we held hands a cried together feeling so helpless but together.
I'm told I'm a bad mother if I ever ask for a girls night so I think my friends gave up. I miss my friends and just time to find myself. I find myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious if I'm gone to long doing anything. You get to do your dream job while I just gave up my dreams for a stable paying job and  health insurance since we have five kids.
I use to be so happy and fit. I loved to spend a whole night reading a book then the next night outside working on the yard. I don't even know who this sad girl is. The worst part is you point out all my flaws. I am the one who had the kids but my ass is not even close to as big as yours. Oh I forgot "your a man."
I do love you or the idea of you. These days I walk on eggshells and sleep as close to the edge of our bed as I can with a kid in the middle of us. I avoid telling you that you forgot toilet paper again just so i don't have to hear your smart ass mouth.

I dream of being happy all the time. But hey it's like you always tell me "nobody wants a used twice wife". Well nobody wants to be your trophy wife or your trophy kids. You get us out to show off to your friends and family or when you feel like you want to be a husband and a father. Then when you want to be alone all the sudden you are so busy. If I have not seen you all day and asked to watch a movie and you say get off your ass it makes me wonder if that guy who always tells me how great I am would respond to this used twice wife.

I'm not saying I would cheat because in the end I will smile in your face, laugh and hold my head high knowing I was a the perfect wife and good luck finding a girl that will stay for more then your money.  I was there when you had nothing and now that your getting something I lost my best friend and husband.

Honestly if these walls could talk they are screaming at me to run. I think you forgot I went through a divorce before and already left one crazy person. What makes you think i'm not as strong NOW as I was when I was 24. I left with nothing and look around baby I earned every thing. I bought this home, the beds, sofa, tvs, oh yea and mostly I just don't care. I did it for us and I told you that you would loose me.

So when you come upstairs and see I have had a vodka and coke I'm sure I will hear how nasty it is to drink alcohol. I'm sure you will remind me how good parents never have a drink of alcohol. I'm not drunk but I will get to fall asleep tonight since most nights I'm to upset to sleep.

Confession #3310

I didn't do it. Believe me, I wanted to. SO FUCKING MUCH. But I did not have sex with him, and I ended our texting/email relationship. I knew he just wanted to use me, and walk away knowing he had screwed (another) married woman, and although he was funny, he was ultimately a coward, and would not push me out of the way of a horse and buggy, or EVER stand by me the way you always have and will.  I told you about our texting last week, but only a small fraction of it. (I can and never will tell you everything, it would crush your spirit, honey) But I TOLD you. Because I knew if I did, you could save me from myself, save me from making the biggest mistake of my life, our our and the children's lives. And you did save me. I love you. Forgive me.
One more thing: if we ever meet any professional coaches again, gently steer me away!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

True Wife Confessions 329 Hero series

Confession #3291

I can't live like this. I can't live being made to feel inferior. I don't care that we're broke, I don't care that we're homebodies. I just need respect. I need to be treated like I matter. I don't need us to make more money, I'm fine with where we are...I don't need more date nights or more dinners out. I need you to SEE me. I can't be invisible anymore. You're breaking me. I have so little left to give. You can have it all...every last scrap of me. But I cannot live like this. I CAN. NOT. LIVE THIS WAY. Please...come back to me. I miss you so badly it hurts. Come back to us....I know we have your body but we need your spirit and love. Come home.

Confession #3292

Just because I am more spiritual than you are doesn't mean I'm into "woo woo voodoo shit." I accept your journey and I just wish you'd accept mine.  I'm sorry you were raised a half-assed Catholic and I'm sorry that you are so brainwashed that you think that anything other than scientific "fact" is "of the devil." I had no idea what a fundamentalist I was with when we first started dating. It's scary how afraid you are of me learning how to empower myself. F--k science! Whatever happened to living from the heart -- from personal experience? Or are you too dead to feel anything besides your penis? Besides, there is ever increasing reasearch to show that there is a scientific basis for the law of attraction, reiki, energy healing, and the abundance mindset. I wish you'd look that up on Wikipedia instead of using it to disprove everything I believe. It sucks that you feel that the only reason I am interested in spirituality is because I am dysfunctional and crazy, while you, in your imaginary perfection have no weakness and have no need to seek anything outside of yourself. I feel sorry for you. I just wish you'd be more open-minded. It's especially the worst when you discredit my need to take workshops or classes that broaden my mind and help me create a sense of empowerment and well-being. I am not "wasting your money" when I take a retreat or hire a life coach. I work too, and by my count you only earn about $200 more than me each week! I just wish you'd get with the program and start living from abundance instead of from scarcity and lack. Your negativity is killing me and preventing me from moving forward in my life and in my career. And why is it that you never clean up unless I ask you to? The choice between living in a total pigsty or me doing all of the cleaning is not really a choice for me. You're damned lucky the sex is still FANTASTIC. 

Confession #3293

Remember when you came home and saw the shattered glass all over the floor next to you computer because I saw some porn again? The frame that held our wedding invitation from 19 years ago. Well, I wished I spread it all over your bed, under the sheet so you could have laid on it and have a bloody back, you asshole. You will feel the pain you have put me through. Karma or God whichever will do the work on you. You are already lazy and are putting the family in tremendous debt, you also keep hurting me with your porn addiction.
One day, I will leave, just waiting for my bonus :)  I won't give you a hint, you'll just see me and the boys gone. I can afford to live by myself and take care of the boys. Who wants a jerk who keeps fucking my life and finances up? You have degraded yourself and you have a nerve to serve at church and lead out in worship at home and talk about GOD!!! You are one messed up son of a bitch!

Confession #3294

It was one of the worse decisions in my life. I cheated on you and I honestly don’t know why. So what you’re not as affectionate as I’d like you to be. You can be cheap (like refusing to buy me popcorn when you take me to a movie), too religious (God forbid I miss church) and not as friendly with my friends as you should be. But you have so many great qualities.  I am so in love with you. I am. I just wanted some attention. I asked you if you wanted to go to a movie and you replied that you wish I wasn’t so spontaneous. UH? It’s a movie date not a sudden desire to visit the South Pacific! I told  you to kiss me more, you can’t because it arouses you.  So, I did the unthinkable and cheated. It was disgusting! I want to snatch my vagina off and throw it away. He’s an old high school friend that I reconnected with very briefly in my 20’s.  He’s married and a gigolo.  I picked a winner! He picked me up for ‘lunch’ and I asked him to kindly put the Bible that he had in the front of the car in the trunk. He took me to his mother’s house and served me leftovers. LMAO!! What am I 12? I was too embarrassed to ask him to just take me back to work.  We made our way down to the basement. I asked for a drink. He cautioned that I had to return to work. I laughed dryly and sipped the cheap wine poured. Anything to get through this! I should have asked for NOVACAINE!  He laid me on a  child’s day bed that had a talking Rug Rat doll on it. I accidently pressed the doll at some point. The doll responded by asking if I wanted to sing a song? Read a book? Think happy thoughts? Anything but witness what was taken place.

The kissing was great. Then he took his clothes off. We aren’t in our 20’s anymore, he should have been less eager. He was uncircumcised. Disgusting, but he was clean. I told him we should just stick to oral. He ‘sucked’ (pun intended) and not in a good way. At some point he reached for the condom and I could barely feel him. He rotated his hips like a hula dancer and if I wasn’t so disappointed in myself I would have laughed myself into a self-induced coma!  He soon got up and complained that the bed was too small (so he and the bed have something in common) and he had a cramp. I realized from the condom that he had cum. When did that happen? He didn’t make a sound. It was all disturbingly disgusting.  You know I don’t like quiet climaxes.

I immediately asked for a wash cloth and the direction to the bathroom. He said that the next time we’d get a hotel. He’d take me to lunch. There’s this restaurant that I would love. He has no idea THERE WILL NEVER BE A NEXT TIME! I even unfriended him on Facebook!

I went home to you, my husband. When you walked through the door that evening after work I hugged you. I showered twice before you got home. I held you all night and laid my head on your chest. I’m taking you to a movie tonight and buying the popcorn. See, I’m so in love with you. I really am. You are kind and gentle. You make love to me like no man has ever done before. You bring out the best in me. You’re renovating our home with your own hands. You support me and make me want to be better. I love you. I love you. I love you.  Even if the stupid mistake had been better. Even if he had done everything right in a nice sized bed I would have felt the same.  I didn’t get anything out of this but guilt. May God forgive me.

Confession #3295

If I would have known 16 years ago all the hell that would come our way after we said I do, would I say I do again? Hell yeah!!! Simply because no one else has loved me as well as you, accepted me for the person I am flaws and all, and decided to hold my hand and walk beside me step for step. I love you sunshine buckle up buddy this ride ain't over yet, we've got a lot of years left to see what all those " what if's" turn out to be!!!

Confession #3296

I am not sure how much longer I can take this. I try and try and just can't get your attention. I come to bed every night hoping that tonight will be the night that you decide to have a moment of passion, and night after night I fall asleep wondering how much longer i can deal with this. I'm I the bad one for thinking that sex is an extremely important part of a marriage? I sometimes feel I'm being ungrateful because you are sweet, caring, a good provider, considerate, and most of all a great father, but somehow you forget that I'm a woman who would love to be touched by her husband. I'm terrified of one day waking up and hating you and resenting you for being this way for the past ten years. I'm afraid one day I might think that it's not worth it and that my kids will be fine if things don't workout between us. I have tried everything and I can't get through to you, you just don't get it. I don't want a best friend, or a provider, I want a man.

Confession #3297

The day I met you, I knew I was going to marry you. You and I were so different, yet so alike.
It took a lot of you asking for my number before I gave in. I knew the moment I did that things would go very fast for us. Three months later we were engaged. And the wedding was dated three months after that. Four days before the wedding we found out we were pregnant.

There was a year and a half that our marriage was very rough. Fighting a lot, saying a lot of hurtful things to one another. In this time many people decide to give up or to cheat. I never once became unfaithful to you. I knew that I am meant to be with you and God would work out the rest.

Instead I made a different decision. I decided to get closer to God. Since I have decided that, I have taken time to realize what I could do to be a better wife. This made a dramatic change in our relationship. You actually noticed and you tried harder to be a better husband. And then the big turnaround was you deciding to get closer to God also.

Since we have been growing in our relationship with God, our relationship together has been the best in a long time. It’s not perfect we have moments, but the moments are rare and not hurtful toward each other. I enjoy our time together again. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Thank you for being an amazing father to our son and daughter, and an amazing husband. I love you more than you could even imagine.

The reason why I guess I am posting this really is because this really helped us. So many people think the grass is greener on the other side. What you need to realize is that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Stop looking at what your spouse could do different and begin to change yourself. How could you expect someone to change if you aren’t willing to.

Above all if you’re married DON’T CHEAT. Do you really expect good things to happen in your life by doing wrong??? So many people go about things so wrong. Change yourself, do right and good things will follow.

Confession #3298

It doesn't matter that you are doing everything right.  It isn't about us right now.  It is about the mental prison I am in right now.  He was the anchor that kept the women of my family from killing each other.  His death has broken me in ways I am unable to articulate.  I cannot let go and let vent to my grief, I keep hearing their voices and judgement of how I grieved my father.  I start to cry and the voices come and I choke it back.  You told me today my words were poison and I know you are right, I am drowning in it.  You hold me and I cannot get close enough.  I want to let go and to sob and to wail and grieve but for once I find it hard to let go.  Me, the woman who can clear a box of kleenex at a screening of a sappy movie, fights every single tear that tries to fall and when I do?   I feel ill and I can hear them telling me to stop being so dramatic.  And I can see you watching me and wanting to take the hurt away and knowing you can't and you make me tea... your pots of tea are keeping me afloat and from destroying everything around me.  Just keep making tea, and I promise once I can truely let go and mourn I'll be back with you changed but yours.

Confession #3299

Ever since you got that awful job, you have acted like a bastard. Even when you quit the job and we moved to your dream retirement home, we've been unhappy together. 

Just now I asked you "When is the dog's appointment?" You said "I don't know why you haven't made it already." So I went and made the appointment. You interrupted me when I was on the phone, asked me to ask the receptionist a question, then got mad at me when I said to her "I'm supposed to ask you..." You walked out and slammed the door.

Apparently you think that the wording "I'm supposed to ask you" makes you look like a horrible micromanaging bully to the person I'm talking to. Well, you are.  

I said "If you don't like the way I make appointments, you can make the next one yourself," and you said "I was going to, but you came bustling out all big-sister, let me do it, let me let me." Don't you remember? I did it because you said "I don't know why you haven't made it already." 

You change the rules on me like that at least once a day. It's like living with Joan Crawford.  

I might go to a motel tonight. I really do wish I hadn't married you. For four years I've been pretty much in hell every day. I don't know why you don't like me, but after four years of this, the feeling is mutual.

Confession #3300

We are newlyweds but have been together for six years yet I feel like after marrying you I want to beat the living shit out of you. NO we cannot afford a BMW. Thanks for consulting me on that even though you have no clue what our financial situation is. Yes you make the money but I work the magic with it. You cannot even open your god damn mail. And when you it's only to open a fucking credit card behind back and max it out. Forget the penny pinching I have been doing for months to pay your bullshit off while I paying my shit off too.
I love that you are a hard worker. I really appreciate you working 60 hours weeks for us to barely get by. But I do work two jobs and have to come home and clean and cook you dinner! You are so supportive of me.  Just when I feel like we can't work any longer and you want to leave I won't let you. Part of me wishes you would leave. But I don't know what I would do without you. It's like a sick twisted love/hate relationship.
Lately, our fights about money are becoming so common. I dread Fridays when I check to see what amount was deposited in the account and it barely enough to buy the groceries.  Yet I have to get a fucking Title pawn to pay rent. Never did I think we would be heading down this road.  Our  fights have become increasingly more physical. I just want to punch the shit out of you for all your lies. I will do better. I promise. I am sorry I was just living in the moment. It's time to grow the fuck up. I don't know where you spend your paycheck or where it goes but I am sick of being left with the scraps. I cannot wait to go back and finish college. I feel like all I do is nag you and am going to drive you away. But you stay. You are my rock even though not the most dependable somehow I always comes back to you. I don't know if I need to get off this crazy train or stay along for the ride. Either way, we can't go on like this. Putting our hands on each other is not acceptable by any means even though deep down I am glad I punched you in the chin. You deserved it. You always are putting us in tight spots. I want to stand by you and believe we can get through this together. I feel like I have too much invested in this relationship to quit. Even though you tell me I can do better than you (I honestly think I can) I don't want to. I love you for some stupid fucking reason. Even though you are two inches shorter than me and people say we are the odd couple I FUCKING LOVE YOU. QUIT DOING DUMB SHIT WITH YOUR MONEY AND WE WOULD BE FINE. GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

True Wife Confession 53rd and 3rd

Confession #521

To my beloved.. You were and still are the love of my short life. I honestly think we were meant to be. Like we promised that one evening on the Ferris wheel.. We were soulmates. But you couldn't take the pain and handle the separation when I went off to school and when I couldn't afford to come home as often as I wanted to. I feel like you blame me. That look in your eyes.. When I mentioned I was working with a guy on a project... I never left you. I loved you with all my soul.. but.. You gave up on the love we had. I'm sorry I wasn't meaningful enough.

And to the young man I'm seeing now.. I'm sorry these feelings for the other still exist. It hurts me too when you talk about her too.. But that's how and why we meant. I know you will always love her, and I'm okay with that. I want to fall in love you. I worry that I'm not because.. Again, It's a distance relationship. Then I smile and think about how I put up with your pro-wrestling obsession because it makes you happy.. And your happiness makes me laugh and smile.

Confession #522

I think about him everyday, even though it's been more than two years since I've seen him and longer than that since I kissed him. The worst thing about having an affair and deciding to stay with you isn't the guilt, which at times was overwhelming. It's knowing that there is something--someone--else, someone who is smart and funny and passionate about a cause, someone who could have a job making tons of money but chooses to work for a non-profit because he wants to make a difference, someone who makes me laugh, someone I respect, someone who made me feel like I was the most incredible person in the world. One time, he cut a picture of flowers out of a magazine and put them on my desk because "everyone deserves flowers." Funny thing is, I don't think I'd want him now if I was single, but I can't get him out of my head. I fantasize about running into him somewhere, wishing for it, hoping for it, to see how I'd feel after all this time because I've come to realize that though I might not want him, I know I don't want you.

Confession #523

Even though we've been divorced for nearly six years, I still can't manage to get you out of my life. You were evil enough to trap me into violating a court order that I didn't even know about so you could take our son away from me. You managed to ruin my finances, my future, my sanity all for the sake of winning a war I wasn't even fighting with you.

And today I just received another court date so you can try to get more money from me when I don't even make 25% of your yearly salary. Are you out of your mind? What more do you want from me? You have our son, my money, and even though we have joint custody of him, you make all of the decisions. The only thing left is my life.

I hate you more than any one person should have that emotion in them and pray every day that you get run over by one of the trains you work on because you and your family are so fucked up that my son is traumatized by your incessant need to keep up with the Jones'. I cringe at the thought of all the abuse I never reported and hope that you don't poison our son with your filth. I mean who would stay married to a man who confessed he's bisexual?

I have no idea how on earth I managed to get myself into this vulnerable and screwed up position but I guarantee when I get out of it, you will be just like the rest of the scum on the earth and be rotting somewhere in hell.

Confession #524

Last night, when you smiled at me and told me that I was beautiful? You repaired alot of things. Keep it up and I might put my wedding rings back on.

Confession #525

I'm sorry because I've tried to cry and be sad about what I've done, and I can't. I feel the sobs inside of me, and I can't seem to bring them out.

The other night, when you left for poker? The night that I asked you if you even wanted to stop by the house before you went? I was waiting for your friend to stop by - yes, that friend that you are thinking of. He was waiting for me to give him the signal to come by. Its only the first time and he has now made it clear to me that it was the last.

He has decided that we will forget what we did. I can't. I think about it everytime you and I make love. I am imagining that you're him, and remembering the things he did to me.

I love you with all my heart. I just can't stop thinking about your friend. And I'm scared by that. I'm scared because he doesn't want it again and told me that it was beyond wrong. I'm scared because I want to be with you both and this has never happened to me before. This is only something other people do.

I love you. But I'm scared of it.

Confession #526

I love that you're so hairy because it makes me feel less self-conscious about how hairy I am.

Confession #527

You don't know that I posted a profile on an adult website and have been dating, and sleeping with, some of the men I've met online while you've been gone. They treat me better, have more respect and consideration for me, than you have in a very long time.

I got flowers for my birthday. From a man I hadn't even met face to face. I got flowers, cards and visitors when I was in the hospital. From men I've only chatted with or only had dinner with. I actually got to go see a movie! Not a kids' movie. A grown up movie. I get to go dancing. They're more concerned with what I think of them when they dance with me than what all the strangers at the club think of them when they dance. You should try it sometime.

Did you know sex can last longer than 10 minutes?! Did you know I actually am capable of having an orgasm?! Did you know it's possible to sit and just snuggle/cuddle, even all night, without it having to result in intercourse? Snuggling for the sake of snuggling. Touching just for the enjoyment of feeling someone's body next to you. Kissing for kissing's sake and not an item on the checklist of "to do before sex".

Did you know I'm more important than a video game? Or a TV show? Well, at least somebody thinks so. And now I realize it too. And I realize how incredibly miserable I've been. And I realize it's not all my fault.

Last time. Last chance. Going to counseling means more than one visit. If you really want to fix things with us, prove it. Make the appointments with the counselor. Go to them. Work on things. It can't be all on me to do it. It has to be both of us. I'm already half way out the door.

Confession #528

If I do decide to divorce my husband, what's to say that you will be any better? What's to say that you won't leave me like you did 15 years ago? I may not be thrilled in my marriage, but you'll need to work a hell of a lot harder to get me to trust you enough to take that risk. What's more? I am already more in love with you than I care to admit. I never stopped, just tucked it away somewhere.

You scare the shit out of me and thrill me in ways that I can only barely discuss. I fear telling you any of this, as I don't want to seem weak.

Confession #529

Sometimes when I am mad at you, I fart on your pillow. I know it's immature but it makes me feel better knowing that it may still smell when you lay your fat head down.

Confession #530

I want to have a baby more than I want to be married to you.

I tell my friends that I don't want to, because I'm so fucking tired of wondering what's wrong with me that you don't want to have a child with me.

If you won't give me a baby, I will leave you. I've been telling you that for a year and a half, and I'm not fucking kidding.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

True Wife Confessions 52 weeks

Confession #511

Sometimes I think I hate you, When we were first married I loved you more than anything. Everytime you yell at me,push me down, or insult me I love you less. I hate that you don't love me enough to stop hurting me. I hate that you treat me like that in front of our daughter. Our daughter is the only reason I'm still with you.

I look at other men and daydream that I am with them. I am waiting for a great man to ask me (with our daughter) to leave you so I can be with him. I feel like I will never escape, you will always be there questioning me, smothering me, making me hate you even more. I feel that I will never get the chance to feel in love with someone again.

Confession #512

When you cancelled out on my Birthday 3 years ago because of work, I lied and said it was okay. When you forgot last year, I lied and said it was okay. My birthday is the day after tomorrow and we have tickets and plans with friends...and you just left me a voice mail saying you had to back out.
For the past six months you have promised to come with me to my chemo and radiation treatments. You have never made it. I always tell you its okay. That I don't care.
Its not okay anymore. And I do care.
When I do decide to call you back I will be ending things with your selfish, lying, manipulative ass.

Confession #513

I did the right thing today. I told him no and walked away. I just couldn't bring myself to break your trust again like I used to. So, you should know I am faithful and today I did the hardest thing possible. I told him no and I was true to you. I love you. I loved him, but I love you. And I told him no.

Confession #514

When your oldest daughter from your first marriage flipped her car resulting in the death of your beautiful grand-daughter, I wished it was her that had died? I can't express enough how thankful I am that both your daughters have stopped contacting you... I love you honey but your kids don't deserve you.

Confession #515

I was going to do the "right" thing and stay with you until our son had grown up. But then I noticed that he was turning out just like you. Since there is no woman on this earth that deserves to put up with your emotional abuse and utter crap, I am leaving you. Not today, but very very soon. I could put up with a lousy husband, but not a lousy father. He deserves better than that.

Confession #516

I know my last name begins with E. I know that my deceased mother's first name begins with E.
But that E tattoo I bought myself for my birthday last year, stands for the greatest lover I ever had.
And "hE" still is.

Confession #517

You are my best friend. I love you with all my heart. I hate this war and the fact that you have to be there. Please be careful. I have to say something but I would never say it to you: I am so afraid that you will get killed out there. I am so lonely without you and knowing you are thousands of miles away and people are shooting at you and trying to kill you! I am so sick inside when I think of that! Please be safe. Please come home to me in one piece. Last time you went there, you got hurt pretty badly. I can't believe you went back, though I understand it's your duty. But hopefully, someday, it will be your duty to come home and make a beautiful family with America. I love you with all my heart. I am so grateful and so thankful for your service and your courage. But please, don't get killed. I need you.

Confession #518

I only married you because everyone told me not to.

Confession #519

Dear husband, tonight I got a tattoo. I know you think they are a waste of money but I wanted it. You are asleep in our bed as I write this. All my friends knew I was doing this.. I don't know how to tell you

Confession #520

When we met 11 years ago, you had no money, a shitty job, and a pile of credit card debt. But you were trying to get it together, and I spent three years helping you pay off the cards. We lived in a crummy place in a scary neighborhood, and slowly built a more comfortable life. We had kids, and I left work with your blessing. I guided our prematurely-born, disabled son through a maze of doctors and therapists for him to progress to a point where his disability is virtually undetectable. And now you are (again) bugging me to spend $5K that we don't have on a stupid third car that you want for a hobby? And you want to finance it??? Whatever happened to us living within our means? And now when I put my foot down about it, you act like a petulant 9-year-old and start suggesting I get a job so you can buy your toys? And then you mention that you wish you hadn't gotten married? Buddy, same here. You have no idea the line you have crossed, as you are out now with your buddies. I am here at home with the "D" word heavy on my mind.

*Sorry for the terrible delay in publishing. For those of you who don't follow my "home" blog, I was finishing my dissertation, defending it and then moving across the country. Yep, I haz a Ph.D. now. Dawn - July 10, 2012

Monday, May 28, 2012

True Wife Confessions Area 51

Confession #501

Last night, when you told me that I was more important then money and your job? When you told me you no longer cared about work so much? When you told me that you are willing to move to Europe with me? When you told me that my dreams had been on hold for long enough? When you told me that our son meant the world and everything to you? When you told me that you realized that I was ready to walk out on you? When you told me that you are a jackass for not seeing that you were "suffocating your precious butterfly" and "are sorry for clipping my wings for so long"?

that was the most redeeming moment in our entire relationship and I love you for it.

Confession #502

When I gained 75 lbs from pregnancy, I could tell you were repulsed by me. What a hypocrite you are. Now I have lost those pounds plus 5 more. What do you have to say now? Here is what I have to say. Practice some self control you FAT ASS!

Confession #503

you're such an ass, I don't know why I bother...No really, you fucking suck at life...Oh yeah if you grab my tits or crotch again you might just be picking yourself up off the floor...No its not a turn on and neither are need to brush your teeth...And you know what, I really really don't give a damn about your needs anymore cause you have never cared about mine...I have needs too and they aren't sexual...How about how I needed you to be with me while I was pregnant with both of our daughters..hmm the first time you were hooked on drugs and the 2nd time you were hooked on an ugly ass rat faced anorexic home wrecking fact everytime i have ever really really needed you to be there, needed to be able to count on you, you were gone like your ass was on fire, except for the time our daughter was in the hospital, but you were gone again the day she got out and nowhere to be found when she was sick before they found out was a good show yeah fuck you and your needs....and finally (although i could go on for days) DO NOT TRY TO DISCIPLINE OUR DAUGHTER when you wont even stay in her life consistently. Prove yourself as a worthy father, a good dad, and then you can play that part, but until then, i will handle it and if you don't like the way I handle things then FUCK OFF cause i do it ALONE and I do the best I can and so help me God, if you EVER spank her, I will kick your no good ass all over the damn house...You don't deserve them and you don't deserve me and if you really want us then you need to spend the rest of your life making up for the bullshit you have put us through and never put us through anymore..How it is possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time?

Confession #504

I love you to pieces, but is it really necessary to silently fart if I am walking behind you and then giggle when I gag? I know we both have a sick sense of humor, and that's of the many reasons we get along and love each other, but if you do that one more time I am going to throw up on you,Youu crop-dusting ass.

Confession #505

I really appreciate how much you put up with me. You help carry my baggage and you shouldn’t have to.

Your patience with me sometimes is astounding and I am really, really, really thankful for that.

Having a man that understands your freak-outs and your insecurities and still loves and accepts you is one of the most lovable, incredible, and sexiest things ever.

Thank you bubaloo. xoxo

Confession #506

I cannot understand how you think you are a clean person if you don't use soap. Who takes a shower and doesn't use soap? Why even waste the water? I also hate your feet. They gross me out.

Confession #507

You are a waste of human flesh. All those years I spent supporting you, paying the bills, loving you. You never loved me back. Cheating on me since the beginning. I know about them all. Being perpetually unemployed while I went to work every day. Paid all the bills and made ends meet while you took every opportunity to spend what was left and run up the credit cards. You, motherfucker, had a baby with some 22 year old at the same time that we had our son together, you son of a bitch. And then as if all that wasn't bad enough, as if you felt justified in cheating and withholding affection, love and time from your family you started to hit me. Not only hit me but hold me hostage and terrorize me. I actually thought you would kill me. Well, fuck you. I got to the phone, I called the police and they took your sorry ass to jail. And then I moved my stuff and my son far away and you will never see us again. I hope you suffer for the rest of your life.

Confession #508

It makes me heartsick that my abusive, loser of a first husband had me when I was young and thin... and you get me 60 lbs heavier and 10 years older. I love you so much, that I would die if you ever found out that that S.O.B . still has more say in how I view my body than you do. This is the real reason that I am starting to exercise and be more careful what I eat. You treat me like a queen and tell me I am beautiful with your words and actions... I am going to start acting like a queen. I am beautiful.

Confession #509

I've been fucking your brother for the last year. Odds are, our son is actually his.

Before that, I was fucking your best friend and his wife, and still do on ocassion.

I have never been faithful to you, even before we got married. You are a good man and a decent father and provider, but you simply have no idea what to do in bed. I would rather mastubate with a cheese grater than have sex with you.

Confession #510

I look at you and thank god everyday to have a husband like you. You are a wonderful father to our two girls and when I see you playing with them my heart melts. I also do appreciate the foot rubs at night because you completely understand that it's not easy being 7 months pregnant. You are the glue to our family.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

True Wife Confessions 328 copy-edit notations

Confession # 3281

You went away for a long time. It wasnt days or weeks or even months. You were gone for six years and although not a day went by, that I didn't love you and miss you and want you home I was not perfect. You know when I told you about that one guy that I had a physical relationship with somewhere around the 4 year milemarker of your absence? Well he wasn't the first (or the last), but he was the only one that I developed "feelings" for. It lasted about 8 months before he cheated on me with his ex (Karma-ya ya I know). There were a few before him and one after; one being my middle school sweetheart who found me via myspace ten years later. Before I could realize he was a complete psycho; I was pregnant. I terminated the pregnancy, a decision I will live with for the rest of my life. I know there are some things that you just have to keep to yourself and this one has been gnawing at me for years hence my confession. I waited for your for more then a year and a half before any of my indiscretions. You were gone because of your own actions, and even though I never stopped loving you and I waited for you to come home I am still a women and I had needs which you could not tend to. I did the best I could and I made some mistakes. I am sorry for the pain I have caused that you will never feel. I am sorry that you think I am so amazing for waiting and I am sorry that I wasnt strong enough to wait it out faithfully.

Confession # 3282

Hello Dawn, I hope it's OK for a guy to vent here aswell. I have nowhere else to write this. Your doing a good thing with this site. Thank you, G.

I know I still love you, but there are times when you make it pretty hard. I have defended you to our family and friends, but it hurts when I have to tell our children that your a good person when your actions toward them and me say something quite different. I know you like my body; I just wish you could give me a gentle carress instead of walking up to me and trying to grope my crotch. It's a major turn off just as the way you make me feel when we have 'relations' in bed. Do you really need to be stoned and/or drunk to have sex with me? I like the weed and booze too, but not every night. I also would like if sometimes we could 'make love', not the hard and fast wham bam you so prefer. Are you in such a hurry to get your orgasm and go to sleep? I generally take longer than you but when I ask for you to whisper sexy thoughts into my ear while I finish by hand, it hurts when you say "sorry, I've got nothing". You say you want to be in shape but when I offer to exercise with you, you get angry and say it's not that easy. Your right, it's hard to maintain the shape I'm in. I put in the effort because I like it, but it used to be because it turned you on that I was in shape. Now you sit around stoned and munching on costco sized bags of chips and wonder how your blood pressure got high and you put on 50 lbs since we got married. I get no appreciative looks or comments from you anymore, but I sure get winked at in the mall and see others checking me out. It makes me happy all day but I can't tell you because you get all pissy and jealous and I have to walk on egg shells for three days and stroke your ego. And when we watch a movie together does it always have to be sci/fi or action? You know I like rom/coms but you just snort derisively if I ever get my way and we watch one. You haven't turned me on in years and your slobby habits just make it worse. When our daughter reaches 18 in under 2 years, I'll be gone. Fuck you and your emotionally abusive, controlling ways. Signed your formerly loving husband

Confession #3283

I met you when I was so young. Instant, electric, I couldn't live without you. We longed for each other whenever apart. I wanted our first sex, my first, to be special and romantic; instead, it just sort of happened. I remember standing in the shower afterward, feeling apart from myself. I was fine after awhile; afraid you'd leave my apartment so I jumped out, toweled off and smoothed things over. I am always reassuring you.

We decided to get married and a romantic proposal wasn't necessary, I guess. Just last week, you snapped at me because it came up in conversation. I rushed the wedding so much, my family was convinced I was pregnant; I just couldn't stand to not be married to you anymore. I became your wife and gave up my career. What you told me before the wedding, what I hung my dreams on, that you'd follow my job anywhere, ended up being lip service. Because of what I know now, I cannot in good conscience bring a child into this marriage. I know it would be the end of us.

You are so complacent now, a few years into the marriage, that I don't know how we will be together in middle age. I am wired monogamously; I want to be married forever.

I still want to stay, but I don't know if I can.

Confession #3284

We are to be married, and everyday, I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into an inescapable sinkhole. You already broke my heart so badly. When our second child was born, I thought we were embarking on the rest of our lives together, but I got to see what a truly selfish and lazy person you can be. You were too lazy to be responsible at all. Instead, you let me hold down the fort, get into debt, and all the while, you played video games and watched so much porn that we had a non-existent sex-life. I only wish I could have escaped before we were hopelessly entangled. Now, I have so much debt, we have one car, and two children. I feel so hopelessly trapped. I do not think I really want to marry you, but I see no way to avoid it other than completely ending our relationship. Part of me still loves you, but another large part of me can never look at you in the same way. That part of me feels it may be impossible to bring the romance back, that part of me sometimes just wants to throw all of your shit out of the house, and that part of me cries for the person I was before I met you.

Confession #3285

I realized a few days ago that I've finally run out of patience with you. Your constant games, though amusing and exhilarating at first, have become translucent to show that you are just a man who will never grow up.

A sudden epiphany was brought on by a conversation with your dad. Yes, I’m sure the self obsessed creature within is pleased to know that the topic of that conversation was you. I told your dad I couldn’t cope with your hot and icy behavior. He asked me to be more patient with you and that you were now keeping your distance due to his ill but greatly improving health. He also said it should be soon that you will be coming around and you will be the one who sweeps me off my dainty little feet. Your sweet father also said he saw a lot of good within me and that whatever else should be put aside by you.

I know that you tell your sister, one of my best friends, that my father’s disloyalty to his uncle has broken your respect and that you can’t bear to be sitting across a table from him. You also manage to tell our friends that I’m just immaturely crushing away on you and that there is nothing there from your side. I’m glad knowing that some of our friends and your family members see through your deception. None of your excuses have been legitimate deal breakers.

It’s always been convenient to give these excuses that there’s something wrong on my side. Let me say that it doesn’t matter to me that you’re 28 and I’m 20. It doesn’t matter that your family is sometimes not considerate to my family. It doesn’t matter that you have no house or car yet. Yes, those things don’t matter because I know and have seen the beautiful, hardworking person with a heart of gold within you. I know that person can get locked away behind fears and that’s why I have been so patient.

I do feel sorry for you. I know commitment scares you. It makes you act like a timid little turtle that hides and moves slowly. I heard what she did to you, that ex girlfriend who broke your heart. I see and feel your fears. After all, it’s been three years now that I have been paying for her mistakes.

You’re not making any effort to work on it though. That’s where your immaturity comes in. You over think the obstacles in all of this while playing your stupid video games. I know you used to sometimes even get smug and think “she’ll always be there”. I I’m glad that trail of thought has changed. I’m glad that you’re picking up my distance and what’s funny enough is that you’re mimicking me. Why avoid me when I’m already avoiding you? You’re just trying to give it back to me and test my intentions. Why don’t you just fucking do something already?

I regret to say a simple crush as turned to be so much more. I know you feel exactly the same. When you hold, speak and look at me, I can feel it. I just will not be waiting here anymore.

Confession #3286

Dear babe,
I agreed to go have dinner at your parents because I love you and wanted to see your brother. Everything was fine at the dinner table until your parents thought it was funny to bring up all your ex girlfriends! Really? I really fucking deserve that after being married to you for 19 yrs and 3 boys???? What disrespect is that, I hate your fucking parents! What hurt me the most is that You didn't shut them up, you acted like a pussy! You put your head down and kept eating... fuck you babe, ill remember that, and btw Im not going to those fucking assholes house again!!!! They are mean, two faced Hypocrites.

Confession #3287

I really do think you're a great guy. You're caring, sweet, and loving. You have a good heart and we're the best of friends most of the time. I mean it when I tell you that I'm lucky to have you. But sometimes you are so fucking clueless it's unbelievable. And I get tired of being the only responsible one in the relationship. You forget to do everything, and are a huge procrastinator. You don't do anything unless I tell you to do it, and either you think I don't notice what you're not doing or you just forgot about it again. I don't forget about important things that need to be done and I notice everything you do...and don't do, like take the lawn bags that have been sitting against our back fence for nearly a year to the curb, or never clean the gutters so that there are actual plants growing in them. I hate being reminded that you're so immature. And to top it off, I can't register even the smallest complaint without you taking it way too personally and having an emotional fit. And when you give yourself permission to go off, you're not only an emotional disaster, you're also an asshole who can't LISTEN to save your life. I'm a logical, rational, reasonable person, and I can't engage in that emotional mess. You use it as an excuse to lash out at me and then profusely apologize later. I know you're sorry, but I also know it will happen again. And I never get to fully express myself, never have my feelings validated, and most of all, I never

I'll never be 100% fulfilled in our relationship because you have ADHD. I know I'm a good wife, and a great catch...and you're a good husband and a great catch too. But after years combined of therapy, I wonder how compatible we are. Sometimes I just want to scream at you, "Stop being a PUSSY!!!!" Maybe you'd be happier with someone who doesn't speak her mind and you don't even realize it. I sometimes think there might be a man out there for me who could give me that 100%, or at least get closer. Someone responsible, not lazy, and confident. But then the cycle ends and we start loving each other again. I'm trapped by your disorder.

Confession #3288

I love you and I want your heart to keep working, so I'm glad you're taking your medicine. But.

When you make that horrible snorking noise at the back of your throat it sounds like a motorcycle revving, and you do it next to my ear in bed at night when I'm falling asleep, and I understand that the medicine makes your throat itchy but the next time you startle me out of sleep I am going to fucking kill you and I'm going to fucking giggle while I do it.

Confession #3289

Dear Husband,

There was a time that I loved you. I really loved you and couldn't wait to marry you and begin our new life together. But you quickly turned out to be a man I hated. You took us all for a fool. You took me, my family and my friends all for fools by pretending to be someone you weren't. You treated me like royalty. You wined and dined me, you were a gentleman and generous to my family. Your talk of big plans like house-hunting and starting a family filled my head with amazing fantasies.

After we got married, you revealed your true, ugly self. You were a verbally abusive, narcissistic, controlling person. You blamed me for getting sick on our honeymoon. You picked a fight with my mother on Thanksgiving. You put up a fight with me when we were visiting my parents ON MY BIRTHDAY. Whenever I confronted you about being unhappy with your behavior, you would completely turn it around and say I was the one with the problem; what you were doing was totally normal. You refused to go to counseling with me. You would get very defensive at the most innocent comments I would make.

Even though we were married for only 7 months, they were 7 months of Hell. I wasn't sleeping. I was emotionally broken and drained. I can't live the rest of my life this way. I've been away from you for 2 weeks now and I've never felt better. I don't even miss you. And all the crap you say to me to try and get me back ("I love you", "I miss you", "I can't wait to be together again")? I'm not falling for it.

I've had enough. You fooled me for far too long. I will be fooled no longer.

Confession #3290

My darling wife
Weve been together for 10 years, and married for 6 months. And I am amazed at how fast your changing.
I wanted to marry you 7 years ago, and you said you weren’t ready, so I waited. Last year you said yes, and I was the happiest boy around, for about 4 months.
I cook nearly every night and do most of the cleaning up. I spend most of my time fixing things at your stable yard, helping your clients, looking after sick horses in the middle of the night and looking after the staff. Weekends are spent at horse shows, or driving your horse around the country. I’ve put nearly everything I have into making your business a success, and no matter what, it’s just not enough. Because I work from home, does that mean I have nothing better to do than run your business whilst you have coffee up the road with your friends?
When I’ve sent all day doing maintenance for you, then have to stay up until 4am finishing up my work, I’m going to be tired and grumpy. But those long nights are what pays the rent, buys you horses, and feeds them.
I moved to this country for you, I left my family, my friends and a career I loved. Have you sacrificed anything?
I make a huge effort with your family, they spend ½ their time at our house. You can barely be civil to mine, and you see them for a week a year.
When we finally do get around to having sex, it’s not all about you. How often have you done anything for me in the bedroom in the last few months? And how hard have you tried to do anything that I like? You’re very happy to lie back and get teased and shagged all night long, am I supposed to be honoured to be allowed to do this? Of course we only have sex when you feel like it. Who cares what I want?
I’m always telling you how wonderful you are, that you’re beautiful, I hold your hand when we go out, and open doors for you. Your friends tell you how lucky you are, and you agree with them in public, what do you really think?
Yesterday I needed you to help me. I needed to get the car serviced, and all I wanted was for you to fetch me once I’d dropped it off. About 20 minutes of your time. Was that asking too much?
The sulking and complaining was unbelievable.
Who uses that car?
Were getting very close to the point where I’ve had enough.
Last night you asked why I was so angry. I tried to explain it to you. Your response was I’m talking crap.
We’re nearly 40. I wanted to have children a long time ago, and you said you did, isn’t that why we got married after being together for so long? Now you want to wait a few more years, so you don’t have to take time off from riding.
I’m sorry, I don’t want to be an old man too tired to play with my kids, and too set in my ways to put up with their friends. I wanted to be able to take them fishing, to the beach, show them what a wonderful world we live in.
I can trace my family back to the 12th century in Ireland. Im the last male with my surname, I really don’t want it to die out.
So here’s the deal
I’m setting up a new business, It’s in the bush, with a small farming community around, theres plenty of space for you to have as many horses as you like, but its about 2000K’s from the nearest horse show.
I’m going to be there by October. If you come, I’ll do everything I can to make a beautiful home for you, and give you a wonderful life.
If you don’t come. Then I’ll miss you terribly, I’ll probably spend years miserably trying to get over you, but in the end I will.
Yesterday was the culmination of a thousand little hurts, the straw that broke the camels back.
I look at you today, and just want to walk away. I can’t find the feelings that made me want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I know a lot of this is my fault, I’ve tried too hard, always hoping you’ll for a little bit of appreciation, for you to show how much you value me. For you to make an effort in bed.
The saddest part is I just don’t care any more.

Monday, March 19, 2012

True Wife Confessions 50-50

Confession #491

To my ex mother-in-law:

Your precious first-born son, the one you think is so perfect, the one you think is the most wonderful being on the planet?
He's actually the most selfish, inconsiderate, immature person I have ever met in my life.
You're part of the reason we split up. YOU raised him to be that way.
Maybe you aren't such a great mom after all.

Confession #492

I don't know what I did to get so lucky, but you are the best thing to ever happen to me. You have put up with so much, and you have been such a rock for me. I don't say it enough, and you probably need to hear it more, but without you, I would never have made it this far. You are a special man, and a great dad, and I thank you for standing by us, when you could easily have walked away. I have always said your worst quality was your ridiculously poor memory, but on second thought, it is probably what has kept us together for so long!

Confession #493

Honey, I really truly don't mind your little porn habit. Sometimes you find stuff that's really hot, and on the rare occasion when all the stars align and The Boy goes to sleep early, it's fun to watch it together. But why, by all that's holy, do you have to set your stupid filesharing programs looking for the stuff every single night? Don't you know I have insomnia? I can't always go back to sleep after The Boy nurses, so I get up to read/update my blog and just have some alone time at the computer without someone hitting me with Duplos or shoving Dr. Seuss books into my spine. I Do Not Want to read my email at less than dial-up speeds because you are downloading five thousand little clips from some obscure butt-fucking video, okay? Stop. It. Download the crap during the freakin' day while you are at work. Chances are I won't have any time at all then to be on the computer anyway, because I'll be too busy cooking, potty training, doing laundry, cleaning the damn house, and removing the fucking books from my spine to even sit down. Give me a freakin' break, already.

Confession #494

I hate your computers. I don't believe or even care that they are part of your job anymore. Honey, you sell computers. You install software. You don't write code, so why, why, why do you need the latest and greatest for your job? I hate that you have to have dual core whatever chips, and whatever-the-fuck front side bus speeds, and more RAM than God in the desktop. I hate that you have to have a really expensive laptop every couple of years. I really, really fucking hate from the bottom of my heart that the spiffy end all and be all of laptops that you absolutely HAD to have last year for your birthday, the one that they had on sale at the day after Thanksgiving sale, the one that necessitated my getting up at two a-freakin'-m and going to stand in the long ass line at the local electronics store with our baby wrapped up in the sling and nursing while I stood in line freezing my ass off for about four freakin' hours, was just not good enough and you traded it in less than six months later. Buy your own fucking laptop next year. Better yet, do without.

Oh yeah, and I hate talking about them too. I don't know what all that crap means, and I really don't care. Just let me take care of our child in peace. Talk to me about how things went at work, or world events, or our baby, or anything that's in English.

Confession #495

You are the nicest guy I ever went out with. I knew I got lucky. Your accomodating nature was such a nice change of pace. The fact that I knew I could always rely on you was one of the biggest things that attracted me to you. That, and your bizarre sense of humor that was so scarily like my own. You had confidence then, yet for some reason after three years of marriage, it's gone. Your backbone has softened, you automatically go into defense mode when I ask you a question, and you don't do anything unless I ask you to do it. You hug me and kiss me and tell me you love me everyday, and I know you mean it more than I could possibly know. I love you too, but I want that guy back, the guy I fell in love with. I adored him. I don't know where he went, but I miss him... I miss you...

Confession #496

You saved me. I was on a self-destructive path. You recognized that and were willing to reach out to me. Not only did that start our relationship, but it put an end to what would have proven to be my misery. Maybe you didn't so much save me as help me find the strength to save myself, holding your hand along the way. You were the first person I ever told. When I told you my awful truth, you didn't run. You held me. You let me cry. You wanted to protect me, but you recognized that I needed the strength to protect myself. It was only through your love that I found that strength. I'm terrified to think about what my life would be like if we weren'’t together. I am in awe of you. I am so very thankful for you. I love you.

Confession #497

Just because I work in sales and you work at a job that holds you in one location from 8-5 does not mean that I am your personal errand girl. I AM WORKING!!! Yes, I am in the car. Yes, I drive all over town. Yes, I work out of the house. None of those things mean that I have time to run to the bank for you, run to the post office for you, run to the dry cleaner for you, and most of all, run through the drive thru for you cause you are 'really busy and don't have time to take lunch'!!! You seem to think that I have time to drop everything and do your bidding because I am in the car. Just so you know, I only run those errands for you because I would rather go out of my way than have to listen to you whine when I get home. And you wonder why I am mysteriously NEVER available lately when you call in the middle of the day. Oh, and the text message requests to run errands? Fuck you. No, I didn't forget my phone at home three days straight last week. I just didn't want to run around for you

Confession #498

I know you read true wife confessions. I know that you are looking for mine.

Confession #499

Sometimes I wake up in the night to watch you sleep, and I can'’t breathe because I love you so much. I wish I could tell you, but you don't trust the words, so I know it would only unsettle you to hear me say it. So I keep the house as clean as I can, spend hours cooking your meals, keep your sock drawer full of folded socks and love your child as much as I love my own. I hope it shows half of how much I love you, because I hear your love me when you say "thank you"” so often. You'’re wonderful!

Confession #500

I don't know if I can forgive you for letting me down when our son was born. You wouldn't read any books with me. You refused to go to a Bradley or Lamaze class with me, and you barely paid attention to the hospital based class we did go to. At least, if you did pay attention it didn't show. You obviously didn't learn anything from it. You refused to let me hire a doula because we didn't need it. But then you didn't step up to the plate and deliver. Because when the fucking asshole of an on-call obstetrician pushed a million fucking interventions at me that you knew damned well I didn't want and probably didn't need, you didn't stand up for me. Women in labor are vulnerable. I needed you there to protect me, not to play poker with our friend that stopped by. Not to sleep while I was in the tub trying to deal with the back labor. A back rub would have been nice. Not to eat pizza with your brother in front of me while the damned hospital nurses wouldn't let me eat anything despite the fact that I went without solid food for almost two fucking days. Not to play fucking video games on your GameBoy. I'd like to shove that GameBoy up your ass, you know. When it predictably ended up in a cesarean section for failure to progress, I was in tears and I felt like a fucking failure. I feel like I was raped and everyone stood around watching and no-one called the cops. Including you.