Tuesday, September 21, 2010

True Wife Confessions 316 Lost

Confession #3151

I have a hundred reasons why I have stayed with him but now after almost 21 years of marriage, I wish I had left a long time ago. By my staying I have taught the kids that I am weak and that it is OK for a man to treat a woman the way he does to me. I feel that I have failed my children and I hate who I have become.

Confession #3152

You are the girliest guy I have ever known. I complement you every chance I get, and it usually gets slapped back in my face. I keep saying the things I say because

1) I want you to know you are these things to me

2) I might want to hear them back more often then once every two months!

Is it so hard to just tell me I'm beautiful as you run your hands down my back? Or tell me I look pretty on the days I actually wear makeup?

But you're SO insecure about everything, even your ability to love me and treat me well, I suffer for it.
We have a wonderful relationship. You are so sweet and gentle, and you're everything I never knew I wanted.

But I often wonder if you don't think these things about me. These things you don't say that I so want/need to hear. Is it because you don't actually think I'm beautiful? I worry that you are only with me because I want you with me.I've always been big on what you think, on your value and your choice in every matter. Do I actually make you happy?

Confession #3153

When you’re working lots of overtime the kids and I don’t miss you as much as I tell you we do. We love you and like to have you around, but by now we’re pretty good at being on our own

Confession #3154

How can I hate and love someone at the same time? You do nothing in the house - then you have day of making it look good on the surface, then dare to yell at me when it starts getting messy again. We both make the mess... We both work. Fucking deal with it, rather than pretending it's not there.

And drinking as much as you isn't good. At all. You might as well be having an affair with beer. It sucks - and the disgusting behavior, the sleepwalking and the constant laying in bed isn't a turn on. Although, paying me no real attention and kissing me like I'm your mother isn't a turn on either. How hard is it to show me real affection? If you can't, then why are you still here?

I've had all kinds of horrible things done to me so that we can maybe have kids. Have you hugged me? No. Have you asked how I really am? Not really. It hurts. Really damn hurts. It's soul-destroying and embarrassing. And you don't seem to care.

You talk to me like I'm in your way. But you can also be so caring and when you ACTUALLY relax, you're wonderful. But you don't ever do that unless you're drunk. It's no way to live.

Which is why I've ended up in an affair. Wasn't planned - keep trying to end it. Not even sure how he feels about me, which is even more isolating at times. But he makes me feel alive - and he wants me. Really wants me and shows me affection that you haven't for years. It's a recipe for disaster, I know it is. But I need to feel something other than desperate loneliness. I hate myself - for this, but also for being so weak that I put up with this relationship. But I love you.

So I'm stuck. Maybe I'm pathetic and weak and trying to have my cake, and eat it. All I want is for you to show me an ounce of real want for me - to show me that you give a shit.

Confession #3155

I sent in a confession last summer. When another man (a mutual friend of ours....someone you would never expect) looked at me and told me that he was attracted to me. That I was gorgeous and funny. Something that you had not done in all of our years together. That was nothing but a harmless verbal fling...that lasted for a few weeks. A flirty text here or there, but I knew nothing physical was going to come of it, and it didn't.

What I did not realize was that it was going to open the door for me to act on the negligence I'd been feeling from you for years. I didn't realize I'd start looking for attention and compliments everywhere I went. I didn't realize that I'd want to go out with my girlfriends just to have someone turn their head to look at me or to compliment me or to ask for my number. I drank too much last summer, to numb myself from the truth.....that I no longer loved you, but I never acted on any of those feelings with anyone else.

We have been married 8 years now...together for 10. I did love you early on. I was young and didn't know that each time you criticized me or laughed at me or made fun of my weight (which at 5'6" and around 130 lbs......WAS NOT FAT) that I would slowly pull away from you. You have spent our entire relationship criticizing my every move and wanting to control me. It's weird though, b/c it never felt abusive in an obvious way.

But now that I am older and wiser and ironically, in even better shape....now, I see that it was emotional abuse. It makes me so sad, b/c you are a wonderful father and provider. You know now that our marriage is in big trouble. You try so hard to never say a word and boy have I tested you just to see if you mean it. I still think you need more counseling and probably an anti-depressant, but I know you are trying.

What I do not know is that if I can ever love you again. Not the way I need to in order to stay in this marriage forever. It makes me so sad....because we have 2 beautiful children together. We have a lovely home, nice cars, and plenty of money in the bank. But it is not enough for me to stay. I don't want to leave now, but instead of looking for attention this summer, I have slowly started to plan my departure. I begged you to listen to me, to love me unconditionally for years....but you either wouldn't or couldn't. I still have hope that something might change for us, but deep down, I feel like I have known for quite some time that this thing wouldn't last.

Almost a year ago I turned to the one man I loved before you. He was unavailable 15 years ago and he still is. I do not feel good about my actions, but he has shown me more love and affection than you ever have. He has reminded me of what I deserve to feel everyday. I'm sure many will say that it is just the normal course of any normal affair, but it is not. We will never be together, I know this. It breaks my heart, b/c I love him again and realize that I did back when I was young too. I can say whatever I feel, be whoever I am and he loves me through it all. He is not going to leave his family and I will not leave you, or mine for him either. I just wish that somehow, you could have seen what you had right in front of you for all those years.

I have spent a decade doing everything imaginable to make you love me. I have dieted, sought counseling, used anti-depressants......everything. And I know now, that the problem was never me.

And now, I have gotten myself in way over my head....b/c I am not dumb enough to think that my feelings for him aren't affecting my ability to love you again. I guess the sad thing is....I just don't know that I want to anymore. I want to feel loved unconditionally.....yes, just as I do with him. And yes, I know it is easy to do that in an "affair" b/c you never have to deal with reality. and no....I am not in search of the kind of infatuated love that happens in the beginning of any relationship. And yes, I know your actions are no excuse to make the decision that I have made over the last year.

I never expected to be here....at my age.....with such sadness in my heart. I will end this affair regardless of what happens with us. I will not see him if I end up single, b/c he is not the answer. But what he gives me and has given me is. Unconditional love, affection, kindness and support. It is a powerful drug and one that caught me completely off guard.

I'm not even angry anymore. I am sorry for my sins against our marriage.....but mostly....I am sad. Sad b/c deep down, I know the truth. And my truth is that I don't love you anymore and likely, never will again.

Confession #3156

Dear love,
Its been 2 weeks since the night we agreed to be friends who see eachother every so often casually. We did this bc of your new department you got transferred to in the pd. 20 hour days are not relationship friendly I know this you know this but it still kills just the same even worse maybe because we still want to be together! I know this is something you've always wanted and its the chance of a lifetime 4 you so I can't and won't hold you back. I don't want to be the reason you have regrets in life, but I also know with out a doubt we are perfect 4 eachother in every way, so to give you up is crushing! I only hope that one day soon we can move forward again as a couple get married grow old together and sail around the world!!! My heart feels empty with out you Come back to me soon!!
All my heart,
Your shooting star

Confession #3157

I love who you are, support you at dificult times and appreciate who you are. But you always shouting at me for not doing things your way. You always think your mama is great and best. I am nothing as compared to her. I did my best to cook for you but I seldom really compliments. I always had to be accomodating and go out with your parents but you unwillingly to go out with my parents!
You always talk bad things about my parents, this hurts me. I admit I treat badly to your parents before but it becasue they are demanding. They demand and expect to accompany them to go out every weekend when I just want some precious moment with you and the kids. BUt this is seldom fulfilled. If you go out with me and the kids, it unwillingly. You love your prents to go with you. When my parents go out with us andthe kids, you will make excuses to go back early. This is unfair.

I wanted to have sex with you but it limited to few times per YEAR. Why? It is because you are exhausted? Or me unattractive?

Confession #3158

I think Robert Browning had it right when he wrote that famous poem. I'm glad chivalry isn't dead, and that we both know we're meant to be together. I'm glad that we have that elusive "true love" that so many people are looking for : an old-soul relationship like Nancy and Ronald Reagan and other people who were married heart, mind, and soul. It bugs the fire out of me that you don't keep the lawn mowed as often as you should, and that you leave your clothes on the floor by your side of the bed, and like video games, but I think after 8 years of marriage that is a really great list, and none of those things come even close to being major issues. I'm glad your mother has common sense and is realistic enough to not be nosy, but is such a kind and compassionate person (maybe where you got it). I'm glad you have the traits that are good in my Dad, but not his personality or problems with dishing out verbal and emotional abuse. I'm glad you're a good listener and try to understand when I tell you about things. I'm glad you are most happy when I am happy and vice versa, and that you have that rare quality of being a truly good lover and never rushing or being selfish. I'm glad I can trust you and when something comes up that causes you trouble, you tell me so that I can hold you accountable. I'm glad you're willing to work to keep our relationship strong and not afraid of commitment. I'm glad we did what we knew was right and created a strong friendship before allowing ourselves to get involved so that when we go through "dry spots" we still love one another's company and companionship. I'm glad you want to have children because the world is painfully lacking men like you, and women who require them. Most of all, I'm glad you're you.

Confession #3159

I am sorry that I set up a trap for you to fall into, and then blew up at you when you did what you thought I wanted you to do. It wasn't fair, and I am sorry. I am so glad we can talk about it - rationally - and I could apologize to you. I love you, and old patterns are hard to correct, but I think we can just keep trying. Thank you for loving me - when I feel very unloveable.

Confession #3160

Dear Co-worker,

When you requested we be FB friends I accepted. When I found out my job was being off-shored and you specifically would be doing my job and I had to train you, I remained your friend. When I posted on my status that I was "disappointed and scared" over loosing my job (never mentioning the company name nor saying anything remotely unprofessional nor defaming to the company), and you told the execs in NYC causing them to jump to erroneous conclusions, then I un-friended you.

Next time, perhaps you should stick with facts instead of letting people jump to conclusions based on your innuendo. Maybe if you did that, then the execs wouldn't need to apologize later. Just a suggestion.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

True Wife Confessions 32 water freezes

Confession #311

I love you more than anything in this world. You are my love, and I know that I will be with you until we are old and gray. I try to be good and sweet but I fucking hate your mother and can't stand that you talk with her twice a day, everyday! I know why you do it, I truly understand, but that doesn't matter to me at all. I can hardly stand to be in the same room when you talk with her cause she makes me spitting mad with her random stupidity! How did you ever come out of a fucked up home such as the one your mother created? I hate when she comes to visit and I count down the days until she is gone. If you ever let her stay with us as long as last time, I will find every possible thing to do away from the house so that you will have to manage with her all by yourself. I promise. You have made me promise that if anything ever happened to you that I would take care of her, well, Baby, sometimes I just don't know if I will be able to keep my end of the bargain.

Confession #312

Sometimes I am struck dumb by the fact that I got a fantastic mother-in-law as well as the amazing son she raised.

Confession #313

I am so thankful that I "manage" the finances because you will never know that the reason things are so tight now is that we are paying for my 4 month stint with an online gambling addiction!

Confession #314

Guess what? I do not like having sex with you. Contrary to what your MOTHER told you, size does matter. I understand that you had a birth defect, but there are times when I can't believe that for the rest of my life I will be having sex with a man who's penis is literally an inch and a half long. AN INCH AND A HALF! And keeping the lights off during sex does not mask the problem. I love you with all my heart, but I hate your tiny penis.

Confession #315

I wasn't dropping off documents at "Mike's", we were following around and doing drugs.

Confession #316

I really hate it that when I look around our room, I
see a hamper in the corner. And that on the floor,
less than 4 inches from that hamper are your dirty
underwear. About 6 inches from that, some raunchy
socks. And a t-shirt. I've seen you play basketball,
so I know you understand the concept. HIT THE BASKET.
How 'bout for each time you score a basket with your
dirty laundry, you score in bed? Bet we still only
have sex once or twice a month!!!

Confession #317

Just stop bitching. I love you. You are a wonderful, handsome man and a good
father. We had our bad times in the past but now things are good. We have a
wonderful life. Our kids are beautiful. We have a great home in a nice
neighborhood. We have decent jobs. Why do you bitch about everything??? We
went on vacation last week and our twelve year old asked me why you complain
about everything. Just stop it. You are driving me crazy.
Confession #318

Whenever I meet any of your friends I have dreams about having sex with them because sex with you is so routine and boring, I dream of a man who will initiate sex with me instead of making me ask. We're in our 20's why am I only getting some one or twice a month if I leave it to you???? We don't even have any kids.....

Confession #319

In all the years we have been together you have never once told me that my body turns you on. You always seem to point out women that look good. You don't realize how many years I have suffered inside. You tell me that my face is so beautiful and my inside person is so good but I don't fucking want to hear that. I want to hear that I look good and know that when you close your eyes you are thinking of me. Not of the woman that you undressed with your eyes earlier that day. Or the friend of mine that is nice and in shape. Why did you marry me if you wanted to change me so much? It is sad that when we have sex I get off by thinking about you and that girl you told me to look at in the store. Because I feel you are screwing someone else and not me...

Confession #320

I thought I would feel bad about cheating, but I felt cheated that it was bad

I love my belly dance lessons but I never intend to dance for you

you are very good in bed, very good

when you take over cooking supper in the middle of it because it dawns on you that I am monitoring our child in the shower, folding laundry, cooking supper, and cleaning up the living room; don't stop cooking supper

when you have a day off and I have to work, stay out of the bathroom, stay out of the kitchen, as a matter of fact stay in bed until I am gone

If you refer to watching our child as babysitting one more time when you talk to your friends; when I get home I am going to pay you and ask you to leave. You aren't babysitting you are parenting!!