Tuesday, April 29, 2008

True Wife Confessions 248 dimensional puzzle

Confession #2471

I cheated on you. I had already given up on us after months, years, of trying to make it work. And then I met him, and wanted him, and e-mailed him and called him and pursued him and then fucked him and it was mind-blowing. I didn't even know sex could feel so good.

And then you changed. Everything I have been asking for, you're doing, now. Too late. When I slept with him, I ended our marriage. I don't want to hurt you, I just want out. I want to be able to breathe again. I want to figure out who I am.

The thing that kills me is, he doesn't want me. And you do want me. And I want him. And I don't want you.

It makes me hate myself a lot.

You are a really good guy. I respect you, and like you, and even love you. But after all the things that have been said and done, I have nothing left for our marriage. I thought it would be easy and you would respond the way you always have - but you didn't, you are doing everything right. And now it's me, having made this choice to cheat, that's fucked it all up.

And he doesn't even want me. He doesn't call, he doesn't text, he doesn't e-mail...

I feel so stupid.

Confession #2472

We were catching up with some friends at the bar. You and I were catching up with each other. A friend commented that she was watching us “lovebirds” chatting away in the corner. I think some people are shocked that we’re still this happy after nine years. I love that my friends want to find what we have.

Confession #2473

You think you are punishing me by your angry silence....but the sad truth is that I simply don't care anymore.My exhaustion with your emotional tantrums extends so deeply into the fabric of our marriage that it will be such a relief when we finally split up

Confession #2474

I don't know how it is that I am the lucky one to be your girlfriend.
If all the soul crushing crap I had to put up with in the past was payment for the chance to eventually meet you, I would endure it again.

I know you were trying to softly and wordlessly direct our walk through the mall toward that jewelry shop to look at rings.
My heart sped up. I pretended that you were just crowding me. I angled my body away and picked up my step ever so slightly. We walked past as I wondered aloud where the shoe store was... the one we planned to go to in the first place.

Please know that I love you. I love you more than I thought was possible. I wanted to go look at those rings. I want to marry you. You are the one for me.

I just didn't want to cry in public.

(But if you try again, I won't resist.)

Confession #2475

I hate these long hours you are having to work.

I miss you so much.

Confession #2476

Dear Husband,

I wish we liked the same kind of music. I wish you were coming to this concert with me tonight. I know you think the music I like is crap, but I don't put much stock into your opinion since you think Van Halen is the best band there ever was. You have poor taste. It's not me.

Confession #2477

Dear Bear,

I am so happy I left my first husband for you all those years ago. He was such a schmuck, and treated me so poorly. The decision to leave him was grueling at first because he and I had been together for so long (from the time we were barely teenagers til we were in our mid twenties), but thankfully I overcame the fear of being alone and got out of that relationship. BTW, I recommend it to any woman who is in the same shoes I was in back then: if you are NOT happy, do NOT keep going through the motions. Leave and find someone who truly cares for you, treats you like a Princess, and would never, ever think of hurting you, not even for a millisecond. Life is too short to be unhappy and underappreciated.

Our relationship started out a little rocky because you and I had both recently gotten out of less than savory marriages, and were dealing with our wacky exes, but somehow we overcame all of that and came out on top. We married last January after being exclusive for 3 years, got pregnant in August, and are now anxiously awaiting our daughter's arrival. I can't help but think that I had to go through that whole crappy relationship with my ex just to arrive here at this point, married to you, waiting for our kid to pop out, and it makes that whole long, drawn out crapfest I called a relationship with him more than worth it. Everything with you is easier. We don't fight much, and when we do, we apologize and laugh about it later. You're my best friend and my closest confidant, and I trust you implicitly. We can't afford fancy vacations or luxury items, but it doesn't matter. Every day with you is a vacation to me. You are my luxury item!

So, I just thought I'd say thank you, and I love you, and I look forward to the start of our family life together, even though it's a little scary to think that we're going to be someone's parents within the next couple of weeks! I think we'll be brilliant together, though. This kid is going to have a lot of love surrounding her.

I love you always,

Confession #2478

We have a child that you love very much. I appreciate that. Our baby loves you so much. When she wakes up in the morning, she call for you. I get a little jealous, being as though I am here with her every single day and you come home a couple times a month.

I am so sad and lonely. You have cheated on me and beat me. i am still here. Your family and friends knew and I was clueless. You have taken away my life by your selfish actions. I am so confused and a lone. It hurts so bad. I have no one to talk too but my therapist and I think she has pity for me. Everyone tell me to hold on because you are in medical school and maybe you are stressed. They tell me to take care of you. What about me? Who takes care of me when I am hurting or stressed. I know you study ten hours a day, but i go to work teaching some disturbing children, then I come home to provide for our daughter. She wipe my tears away today. She ask me what was wrong today because after reading your email, i just cried and cried. She;s only 2 for goodness sake. I have to be strong for her. Why do you play these games. I feel so insignificant.

Confession #2479

I have been married to my husband for a year and a month. I was 23 when we got married and had dated him on and off for six years. I knew how controlling and an ass he was. I was insecure and i live in a state where if you aren't married and have 2 kids by 24 you are crazy. we got married the 2 of march last year. the fights have gotten progressively worse. he likes to break things and put holes in the walls. he recently broke his wrist when he hit a stud. my husband just fixes the holes. i know that i shouldn't have married him and i see it more and more that we are going apart. i don't want to have sex with him, i find myself drinking or taking sleeping pills to get away.

heres where it gets good......
i met a coworker at work, i am his supervisor so that complicates alot. i found out that he used to live down the street form my grandmas house, she has already passed away. that house meant so much to me memory wise. i found out that he actually had fathered another coworkers child. (before he worked there, she was the reason why he moved down here so that he could be there for his daughter.) well i guess that it didnt work out and so now hes getting ready to go back to where he used to live.
after finding out that he knew my grandmas house he gave me his number to call so that he could send my a picture of the house. well we started to text and flirt at work. the text messages started to get a little dirty. so we decided to hang out. i took him to my favorite place to talk that over looked the city. that night we talked for hours. he said that he was confused and had a little voice in his head that told him not to do anything even though he wanted to. he made a comment about my chest, which is nice if i say so myself and i made the comment that they feel better then they look. it took him a min but eventually felt them.
the dirty messages keep coming. well last night we hung out again and we started to talk and then my shirt came off and we made out and dry humped. then he kind of stopped and said that he felt bad it wasn't against me and that he was so turned on and wanted more but also didn't want to hurt me knowing that he was leaving this Friday and then stammered something like he didn't want to hurt his baby's mom cause he knew that we were friends at work. i was confused and somewhat hurt so i left. today he has been texting me saying stuff like he wishes it would have gone further and that he had fun and would miss me.

so here i am now, and it was funny my husband and i went to where i work to pick up some stuff and my husband drove and he parked next to my flings car that we were in the night before. i feel bad and that i am a terrible wife but than i think of how big of an asshole he is to me and then i don't feel bad.

Confession #2480

Dear Husband,

This is a list of every single sin you've committed over the past year: Sure I may not be perfect, but I think any other woman would have thrown you the fuck out of the house for any of them. I've been patient, but that's over now.

* You've called me a bitch 52 times. Crazy bitch 29 times. Cunt 6 times. and I'm just like my mother 26 times (I've written it down every single time)

* You've called my daughter a pain, a brat, lazy and selfish (She is six years old, you ass)

* You've refused to watch our 9 month old on even one of your days off, even though I take her to work with me every single day.

* You've stopped going to anger management counseling, even though you promised to see it through after you went to jail for punching and choking me when I was holding our 3 week old daughter.

* You've let your family make horrid remarks and comments, and never defended me once.

* You pushed me down again last week.

* Just like you pushed me in the stomach hard enough to make me fall down, and choked me up against the wall at our old house when I was pregnant.

* You accused me of sleeping with my boss, an old friend and an old classmate.

* You refuse to do any kind of activities with the 6 year old, and when you do watch her on your days off, you make her spend all of her time in her room, while you watch TV and sleep all day.

* You continue with the porn magazines.

* You withhold sex. (We've had sex a total of 15 times since the baby was born in the summer, since you also wouldn't touch me while I was pregnant)

* You told me I was fat(5 times when I was pregnant, 3 times after) even though I weigh 125 pounds and am 5'4.If anyone is fat, it's you, lardass. Heaven help me if I say anything though, it's emotional abuse.

* You won't do any of the girls laundry, and heaven help me if I leave clothes in the dryer.

* You make sure that when we buy things, it's always you who need more things, not the girls, and certainly not me.

* When I do make a purchase for myself, you bring it up whenever we fight.

* You bring up everything I have ever told you and use it against me.

* You write checks every day, for big amounts, even though you don't handle the checking account. After all it's up to me to make sure we don't bounce. I have to scramble to get money together to cover all the fucking checks you write.

* When the girls and I are home, and the baby cries, you pick her up, attempt to soothe her for all of one minute, get frustrated and hand her to me.

* You have taken a vacation to see your father, and then one to see your old friends. Without me, and without the girls. All by your lonesome.

* When I went into pre-mature labor, and had to go to the hospital, did you care? Did you pick up your phone? No, you said you didn't have any reception.

* You stayed out until 4:30 in the morning last week with your buddies, and until 11 pm last Thursday when you were at a "meeting", yet you gave me crap when I got home having spent exactly two hours shooting pool with a friend.

* You complain that I'm still breastfeeding, but yet if I want to give the baby a bottle of formula, I have to do it, even though YOU SEE that she hates taking a bottle from me.

* You act jealous of the girls.

* When I question all the checks you write, you act like i have no right. listen bucko, we make 3 grand a month together, and you manage to spend everything that I don't use for rent, food and electric. You say it's for gas, well get rid of your big stupid SUV that runs like crap! You are irresponsible with the money, and I can't wait to take my name off of the bank account. I will laugh in your face when you find out how many times you will overdraft because you are too dumb to balance your account.

* You say the nastiest things about your own family, but if I open my mouth to say something, suddenly I don't know anything at all

After all of this, it's me. I'm the controlling bitch, I've got problem, it's never you, right?

I asked you on Sunday for a divorce, and you told me that I'll have to be the one leaving. here's the kicker, I am leaving, you just won't know when. I'll act like everything is fine until then, but I have not forgotten, and I will never forgive. This isn't a plea for you to get yourself together, because I've already made my decision.

Your wife

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

True Wife Confessions - The Beginning Part 2

These were the second batch of My confessions. I am re-running them because Confessions are slow these days. I like to think it is the return of spring. On that note, I challenge you to write confessions that make you laugh - or smile - or remember why you chose this partner in the first place. For me, it was a moment a few days ago when he slid into fresh sheets that I had sprinkled with lavender, and whispered "Hello, my love" in my ear. It was lovely.


Confession #011

Oh yeah, I hear her calling my name. But it's 2 a.m. and you’re awake anyway.

Confession #012

I was going to leave my hair in the tub drain. You’re right. But I’ll die defending that I wasn’t.

Confession #013

Your chili isn't that good. Really. I’ve just never had the heart to tell you. Your coffee isn't either.

Confession #014

I hate dancehall music. I just don’t get the appeal for you. But I have smiled as you have played it for a long ass time.

Confession #015

I love that you have more colognes than I do. I love that the Macy’s mens cologne woman knows your first name. I also love that you always have good lotion somewhere nearby. You smell GREAT.

Confession #016

Yes, I washed the chicken. I have been rinsing the chicken for 15 years. You do not have to ask me EVERY TIME if I have washed the god damn chicken. If my plan were to give you salmonella, it would have happened a long time ago.

Confession #017

I know how much you detest Chinese Art Cinema. So it makes me love you more when you sit through three-hour movies in subtitles next to me, whilst I weep uncontrollably at the beauty of the story. And yes, I DID know that “Farewell My Concubine” was going to be three hours long. I just knew if I told you that, you wouldn’t come.

Confession #018

I will never tell you what my girlfriends and I really talk about. You’re my husband, but they are my girlfriends. Iron Curtain, Baby. And yes, we talk about you. And they know EVERYTHING.

Confession #019

Sometimes you only have to make me laugh to change my mood. It is not a strategy you use enough. Ditto for the shoulder massage. You’d get a hell of a lot more if you took note of this.

Confession #020

I know you didn’t read this card you gave me. You just picked the first one you came to that said “To my wife”. That’s why I quiz you on the sentiment behind the words on the card. To see you squirm.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

True Wife Confessions - The Beginning

I thought it would be good to reprint the original TWC. While they are not anonymous, as they appeared on my "Home" blog, I am Doing the Best I Can, they provided the inspiration and impetus for TWC. They also serve as a reminder that confessions aren't always filled with anger, but may exist as the small "unsaid" things between couples - the space that I think of as the WD-40 area in which the lubricant of what it takes to KEEP a relationship together absorbs the smaller issues.


Confession #001

Maybe the scratches on the top of car weren't caused by the car wash. Maybe they were caused by your daughter cheerfully clearing the car off with the steel tipped snow shovel. Maybe.

Confession #002

I know that you do loads of your own laundry when I'm not home. I know that you ignore the stack of the family laundry and wash your own personal load. I know this cause I find them in the dryer, and there is no coincidence large enough to convince me that this is "just what you happened to throw in". Especially as it has happened repeatedly for 15 years. This makes me unreasonably mad. That's why I leave all your clothes for the end, sometimes.

Confession #003

Your electronic organizer? The one you loved in 1998? Yeah. That didn't fall out of your car and get run over by your tire. I washed and dried it in the laundry , then tried to get you to think you'd done it by wedging it under your tire, in the rain.

Confession #004

I always spend more than I've told you I've spent. ALWAYS. No one gets this many shoes for what you think I've spent. That's the beauty of my own checking account.

Confession #005

I know where your belt, glasses or wallet are. I just think it's funny to watch you run around like a crazy person looking for them.

Confession #006

I WANT you to go out with your friends. Please. Get out of the house. Plus you always come home awfully grateful for what you have at home after listening to your friends bitch and moan about their wives.

Confession #007

When I say, "I don't care", sometimes I don't care. Sometime I do. Listen for the tone. It's been 15 years, it shouldn't be this hard to figure out.

Confession #008

When you go out of town, I play video games like a maniac. I also leave the bathroom door open when I pee, cause you aren't there to get all freaked out. And I don't do the dishes until right before you come home. Basically, chaos reigns.

Confession #009

I'm not really sleeping when I bump you at night. You're snoring Loudly and I have got to do something to stop the noise.

Confession #010

Your mother and I talk about you. When you are being a shit, I call her and she convinces me to stay married to you. You don't know how much you owe to your mother. Seriously.

Monday, April 14, 2008

True Wife Confessions 247 Twenty Four Seven

Confession #2461

Why did I leave?

God, you're still asking this question though I've told you over and over. Yes, I left and started dating him. But really he was just a freaking bonus. I left because I should of left years ago. I left because even after being told the drugs could kill you, you would still do them occasionally. I left because the only way we could deal with each other was if you were smoking pot. I left because you spent $600 a month on pot. I left because we were angry a each other all the time. I left because you could go out when ever you wanted but if I wanted to go out it was a huge imposition to "babysit" our daughter. Don't even get me started on that idiocy. I left because the day I told you I was pregnant, part of you seemed to die. I left you because you slept with that woman the night before we got married. I left because I put you first for 10 years and I was always second to your partying, and you hated being put second to our daughter. I let because you were out every weekend when she was first born and acted jealously towards her. I left because you don't like doing crafts with her because it's not your thing or that going for a walk with her is annoying because she wants to stop and look at things. I left because I didn't want my daughter to see her mother being miserable "for the sake of the children" like my mother did.

I left because I didn't want to end up hating you. And despite all of that I still love you.
I just really don't want to live with you.

Confession #2462

I pretended I hadn't said "No, please stop" so that I wouldn't have to admit it was rape.

I forgive you.

Confession #2463

You are the bane of my existence lately. Our eyes met and locked on each other for 15 seconds and after that meeting, you are all I can think about. When our eyes met, it was like you were looking through to my soul and you knew that I wanted you and I felt that you wanted me too.How you looked, how you talked, how you kept glancing at me, while talking with my husband. I felt like a school girl again and now I can't get you out of my thoughts.
While I have no intentions of breaking up my marriage of 15 years or your marriage, I can't help but think of you while I work on projects, I can't help drive by your house, hoping to get a glance of you. It's behind silly now. It's almost an obsession and that's not good for anyone.

I've told my husband about you, how I feel about you and this passionate drive I have for you. I want you, physically. I think you would be an awesome lover. Never mind that you are arrogant, self-centered and well, yes a man's man. I just want your arms around me, your lips on mine and a full day of lovemaking. I've even envisioned how we would meet up, the conversation, the bedroom love-making, oh hell, the awesome sex. But then I regain my reality and know I have that all with my husband, yet there you are between us.

What does he think about this? He laughs and says okay I'll tell him and after the way he looks at you, he may just say okay. But I know down inside it kills him everytime he sees you and I mention it. So what is wrong with me?

Why in 15 years do I want you of all people to have sex with? You are younger than me by 12 years, you are arrogant, self-centered and married with 2 young children. I know your sex life isn't great and heck you aren't that good looking. Yet, when you talk, look at me when you think I don't notice I get a shiver and I want you.

Okay enough of this ridiculous fantasy. I have now said it out loud to myself and have written this confession, and now it is time to get on with my life. You are leaving soon, for another town and will hopefully become a distance memory. Good-bye fantasy. Good-bye.

Confession #2464

To My Love-

I want you to know that even though things went to the shitter as soon as I stopped working and then found out I was pregnant, I love you. You did treat me like shit for a whole year. You have improved but I know it's because I didn't let you step all over me. You have been very selfish and controlling at time- mainly due to your own insecurities. You can be such an asshole. I know that I've been more than great to you. First of all I took in your 14 month old son and made him my own. I cook,clean, do laundry and help with everything. I think at times i wish things would have stayed as just fuck buddies. Life would have simpler that way. As much as you think I want to I never want to marry again.

Your GF Never to be your wife

Confession #2465


I cannot believe you did the same thing your father did...cheat on your wife before your baby was even a year old. I know you hate your father for all that he ever did to your mother, but can't you see you are being the same way he was? Well, I was really devastated that you cheated on me with that woman. I mean, why in the world do you go drinking with another girl???? I only came to stay with my mom for Christmas because we have so many financial problems. When I was gone you decided to go drinking and have fun...live life like a single guy! The thing that bugs me the most is that you actually have introduced her to all of your family. Eventhough you only slept with her once, you still hang out with her to this day. You have no respect for me at all. Either way, knowing that you cheated on me devastated me...makes me not want to love you anymore. For many nights I stayed up at thinking and crying over this matter...up until two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, my perception of cheating changed! One day, I updated my profile online and an old friend noticed. He said "Married?!?!?!?!" on a comment. I responded to him and told him that I was married and had a little girl. He was surprised. He asked me how life was and I told him that he did not even know how my life had turned out. We practically started to exchange messages and those messages ended up with phone conversations. He is a former High School classmate. We were good friends back then, but never hung out outside of school. Well, we started talking on the phone like if we had just gotten out of high school. We have a pretty cool friendship and we have chemistry between us both. Anyways, him and I started talking and I confessed to him that you had cheated on me and how we are now taking a break from each other, but yet together. He was the first one to know that you cheated on me. Well, him and I started talking a lot on the phone and we crossed many boundaries. Before we knew it we were talking about sex and how many people we've been with and stuff like that. We had pretty heated conversations, if you know what I mean. After only been talking for about a week, he said he might come down to see me...and I said it would be fine. A few days before that friday, well, he told me that during high shool he had had a little crush on me and I told him that I had had a crush on him too. The next day, well he suggested to "get together." I was shocked...I really did not think I could cheat on you and was determined to not do anything, just hang out with him. Well, either way...we met after five years of not seeing each other and we saw the movie "Shutter." After the movies we went to his hotel room and IT HAPPENED!!!! We had sex. He was really something. Him and I agreed that "this experience" would not damage the friendship between him and I and it hasn't. We are still friends.

I guess in a way I understand why you keep hanging out with the chic that you slept with, you guys are friends! My friend and I are still good friends and what happened between us was a once in a lifetime thing...what I am trying to say is that I understand what happened between her and you. Also, I am not going to stop talking to my friend just because him and I had sex.

Life is unexpected and when you least expect it, things happen!


Confession #2466

Before I met my husband, I was in love with someone else for 5 years. He
was my first love, however when I turned 21 years old. He began talking
about marriage and I felt smothered. When I finally broke up with him he was
devastated. I mean he was my first real boyfriend and I wasn't ready for
marriage. After dating a few more guys I realized I had made a huge mistake
and asked him if he would take me back. Unfortunately, he said I hurt him
way to bad and he could not go through that again. Then, I met my husband
and after 5 years of dating we got married. But I still wonder what might
have been. It's so bad that before I walked down the aisle to my husband, I
though of the other guy. And I still dream about him. My husband is a
wonderful man and he really takes care of me but, he is not the best
provider. I feel bad but, he's had like 6 jobs in the past 2 years and he
keeps thinking he will get promoted, but never does. While my ex has his
Master's degree and is doing really well with his wife (or so I've heard). I
love my husband, but sometimes I wonder...

Confession #2467

Dear Boyfriend,

You talk about us getting married constantly. You talk about getting my ring. We even went to go look at rings. You talk about the actual wedding. Yet that’s all you do. TALK. Every time you say “I have a surprise for you”, I get excited that maybe you’ve gotten the ring…but no. I’m getting more and more disappointed with every “surprise” you bring. IT’S NOT WHAT I WANT. I want to be yours forever. I don’t want expensive purses, I don’t want to go out to eat, and I don’t want flowers. I want to be yours…..forever…

You say I’m a good woman. And I really have been. I’ve done so much for you and you hardly seem to realize it.

You gave me an STD, I cried and forgave you. Never did I bring it up again….now I’m having problems conceiving because of it.

You went to jail, and not only did I use up all my savings to bail you out, but I pulled some strings to get you out. They didn't want to let you out, but I couldn't think of one night without you.

You’re extremely jealous so I cut out ALL of my friends from my life. I refuse to go out and drink with my friends, just to make you happy.

You canceled our plans for your birthday just so you can go drink with your buddies, not come home ALL NIGHT, and then have the audacity to accuse me of cheating that same night???? I was at home….crying…

I’ve changed my number TWICE and only gave it to family and my coworkers. Not my friends, just so you wouldn’t have a reason to accuse me of cheating

Even with all this, I love you. I know you’re a good person…and I know you’ve promised to change.

If you want me, I’ll be yours forever.


The good girl

Confession #2468

Amazingly, you have no hesitation to interrupt ME when I am working, wandering in, demanding my attention to whatever you are saying or doing.
Perish the thought, however, if you are interrupted during your working. Dear Lord - you flip out! You would think you were closing the Middle East peace talks, or something....

Confession #2469

Saying you are going to be rude and then being rude is not okay. It is not my fault. You apologized, but I haven't yet forgiven you.

Confession #2470

I have been so torn up these past two weeks. I don’t know where we stand anymore and it hurts. When we first met everything was perfect. I remember I couldn’t take my eyes off you. When we would go out with friends they would have a crappy time because all we would do is focus in on each other. We would laugh together and had so many similar life experiences. I was so bitter before you and never expected to be able to love anyone the way I loved you. It seems that in the past year we have taken so many hits in our relationship. And I don’t know if we can survive it anymore. It drives me nuts that you are so involved with your son’s mom’s family. I, in fact, hate it!!! I hate that your dad is with her aunt, I hate that your brother is married to her sister! I hate that we can’t have a normal relationship where we are able to bring each other to the other one’s family. And these people that you call your “family” have done nothing but put doubts in your head about me. Why do you have to be so weak minded? Why does it matter? Why don’t you fuckin stick up for me?!?! If you love me, if you were a real man with a fuckin back bone, you would tell them to shut the fuck up about me. The thing is they don’t know me and never will. They never gave me the chance. Sure they may have heard things about me and they can’t wait to tell you. But before you come to me with it, have you ever thought that it could just be rumors and that some people love to talk, regardless the source or if it’s even true!

I have been by your side when you took my car and burnt it because you passed out behind the wheel. I stood beside you at your name giving with that family all the while they all knew you, you cheated on me with your son’s mom. I stood by you while you went to court. I stood by you when I found out you told her on Mother’s Day how you missed her, all the while I was left to go out to my parents alone without you because you were too fuckin depressed. I stood by you when you were un-employed. I stood by you after you put your hands on me. I stood by you after you lumped up my head. I have given you my all. I have been duped into being stuck with your children while you go out to party with that family. I have made sure you have lunches for work. Clean clothes for work. I do the dishes, I make the meals, and I clean the house. All because in your eyes this is the woman’s job. You sit there and tell your sister-in-law, your son’s mom’s sister, all of our business all my deepest darkest secrets. Things I thought were safe with you are now used as ammunition against me. You have let me down. You have never stuck up for me but instead are there to accuse me of whatever they say about my past, or what they think they know of my past. You let them run their mouths about me in front of your daughter. Your 11 year old daughter! Is that okay with you? Did you know she had a dream that they came to the house to throw things at me? Is that appropriate that your daughter knows how this family feels about me ?

Why is that I am always begging you to stay and always pleading my love to you? For what? So I can be your punching bag? So I can keep paying for all the bills? So I can keep picking up the house?

I have so many doubts about us, but when I bring them to you, you say it’s because I want someone else, or that I’m already fuckin someone else. Why is that? How’s it ok for you to go out without me but when I do the same then I’m on the prowl for other men. Are you scared that another man might see what a good person I am? You try to put me down and keep me in my place, let me know how much of a disappointment I’ve become to you, is that because you want to try to keep me all to yourself? Do you fear that I may one day realize my true self worth, and if I do walk out the front door leaving you with nothing?

I resent you! I sometimes can’t stand to have you kiss me and look at me! I just wish you were the man that I first met. But that man becomes more and more of a distant memory each day. I feel that I was nothing but a conquest to you. To your friends, I was the girl you got that everyone else wanted. To your “family” I am the girl you got that will take you places in life. But to any of them am I the person that is just a girl who makes you happy? I am nothing more to you then a girl that gives leverage for you to be able to tell your buddies how much better I am then their woman or to your family how much better I am because of all the things you can now afford that we are together. I just simply give you status. One day I will be gone! One day I am going to find someone else or find the strength within to leave you and your twisted fucking family’s bullshit! Why don’t you see how this relationship is falling apart? How is it that you don’t notice that bored look in my eyes? It’s probably because you are so busy worrying about your own self.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

True Wife Confessions 246 - The area code for Barbados

Confession #2451

I'm not really pregnant.

It was the only thing I could think of to keep you from walking out last night.

Confession #2452

Sometimes I think that if something ever happened to you, I would be so torn apart I wouldn't know what to do.....and other times I want to kill you myself. I never give you flack about drinking with your buddies, even when you go to their house in the afternoon and don't come home until 1 a.m. But then you come home telling me that your buddy offered to let you sleep with his wife. He's an old guy and she's younger, and apparently he doesn't think he's enough for her. So you tell me you turned him down. When you tell me this, I don't know whether to kiss you or slap you, so I just say, "I hope you stay away from there". You say you will, but since then you've been over there a half dozen times, for all hours of the night. When I get mad and ask you about it, you say that the wife doesn't hang out in the living room with you guys, that you haven't done anything wrong, that you're just haning out with the husband. How co me you can't hang out with him at our house? Don't you see how disrespectful this is to me? How much it worries me? Then you tell me that some of your friends think that you're sleeping with the wife. Why do you even tell me all this shit? To make me go insane? I don't understand how you can have such a lack of caring for me and my feelings. I'm not going to go on and on about how much I do for you, how hard I work inside and outside of the home, how much our daughter needs you, how much you spend on alcohol when our house is practically falling in..... I'm not a piece of shit to be trampled on! You tell me you love me, you tell everyone else that I'm a good wife - why don't you act like it?

Confession #2453

I haven't told you yet, but I forgive you. We have been busy with the kids, my mother, picking up the car. I haven't had a time to tell you. I really want to get past this with you and I want to stay with you. I have found some level ground in what you did and I can move on. I forgive you, I love you, I just haven't told you yet...It isnt' right to be depressed all the time. The look in my eyes must hurt you terrible and it really isn't what I want. I want to be with you and the kids and to move on. It will be a long year, no leaving the state, but there are beaches here and the kids will understand if you have to "work". I love you, I forgive you, I just havent told you yet. But I will.

Confession #2454

Where do I begin?

I want to say. I hate it when he doesn't know what he wants and just completely cuts me off. Hey! If you don't want a relationship then just say so. Quit being a f*cking coward and just say it! One minute your mister nice guy and being all lovey-dovey. The next minute you don't want anything to do with me. No wonder why your ex hated you so bad. You drove both of us to the brink and now we have to take anti depressants because you lowered our self esteem so bad. All you do is take but don't give anything in return. You are selfish and rude. Good luck finding somebody that will put up with your ass.

Confession #2455

Today I am driving 3 hours at 3.29 a gallon to take my children.. not ours.. they are mine.. to the funeral of your grandpa. The kids wonder who he is.. what does he look like? They really cant remember. Where are you? Oh thats right.. still sitting your ass in jail eating, watching tv, and what ever else criminals do to pass the time. You called the other night to ask me to take them.. no wait.. you told me to.. actually you told me " i expect you to do it". Well buddy i will tell you what, i am not taking them for you that is for sure. I am taking them because that is what i am suppose to do for a person that in the 9 years i was married to you rarely even said " hi" to me.
When i get there am i dropping them off ? no.. no way. I will not let your mom poison them with words about me or about how much you love them and miss them. I will have a person take them and return them to me because i do not trust you or your family , nor do i care to set foot around one person in your family.
Remember when you get out of jail .. you have no visitation rights. So when you decide to tell me what you expect, you can kiss my ass til you get a lawyer. Still to this day.. 15 years since i met you i cannot believe i ever married you, trusted you, believed one lie out of your mouth. When you broke my collar bone and then ran off with that stupid woman you met off line i should have left then but nope.. i forgave you. For what ? Oh thats right.. you have a job in jail and i got $14.00 for support last month. That really helps out alot.
You really really piss me off.

Confession #2456

To my best friend:

You say you value honesty, but I’m not so sure you’re prepared for this much of it from me. However, I have to get this out so you’ll understand what I’m about to do. Why did I have to get smarter when I turned 30? Maybe it’s not smarter, really. I was perfectly happy being stupid and content with settling for my life until then. It’s probably a mortality thing. I suddenly realized that I’m not going to get a prize at the end of my life for sacrificing my happiness.

Okay, first of all, you may have figured some of this out… I have been trying to fight feelings I have for you. I have been since the old days. Do you remember my answer to that “favorite memory” question on that silly quiz? That was the moment, 14 years ago, that I fell for you. I tried to tell you a few times (before I got married), but I could never follow through because I didn’t think you could feel the same way for me. Ever since, I’ve been pushing all of my feelings away- usually without too much trouble. Much of the time, I even forgot I’d ever felt anything but friendship. Recently, though, this has been an awful struggle, and it’s because we’re “talking” so much more. I had forgotten how hard it is to feel this way. I keep imagining that you feel (or felt) something for me. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t- it doesn’t really matter. Nevertheless, our “talking” is getting to be more and more painful for me. God- the thought of being alone with you… I can’t even go there. I’m afraid if it keeps up I may do or say something stupid- I’ve already come too close. I don’t want to try to break up your family (not that I could), but I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you to be happy in your life. I’ve already decided that I can’t live the way I have been in mine.

I had no business getting married when I did, and I have no excuse except that I was young and stupid. I didn’t have any idea who I was or what I wanted, and he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was rescued from uncertainty and magically defined- I was a grownup and I was a wife. I think I loved him then-at least who I thought he was. I suspected I was making a mistake as I was saying my vows, but I couldn’t figure out a way to stop it and hoped it was just “cold feet.” I would have been gone in that first horrible year, but the baby came along and I felt like I had to stay for her sake. Any love I did have was gone by then- chased off by too much ugliness. I’ve felt so guilty ever since that I put up with much more than I should have, especially in those first few years. Now, I think I’m going to leave; I just have to figure out when and how to talk to him- that may take some time. This has nothing to do with you- it has to do with the fact that I’m done pretending I’m happy just to spare everyone else’s feelings. I was going to wait it out until the kids were grown, but I think I’ve changed my mind. Before, I thought of myself as noble and self-sacrificing because I was staying when I didn’t want to. Now I feel like it’s more cowardice than anything else. It sounds cliché, but life is really too short to be unhappy for so long. It’s not fair for any of us. I do love him for the family he’s given me and the sacrifices he’s made to become a better person. I know this is going to hurt like hell. I hate that I’m going to hurt people I love, but my depression and anger over my life cannot be good for the kids. I’ll be a better mom if I’m happy. Maybe I’m rationalizing so I don’t feel so selfish. Either way, they’ll live. My family got through it, and all of us are better off for it. They’ll be sad, but they’ll be okay.

To get to the point, I felt that I owed you a “brutally honest” explanation about why I’m not going to talk to you as much for a little while- at least until I get my shit together. The things I’m feeling are not good for our friendship or for my decision-making. If this gets ugly (god I hope not), I’ll understand if you feel you have to “side” with him. Just please don’t bring this into it. I don’t want to mess up anyone’s life but my own. If we get together as families, I’ll be fine. I’ve been ignoring my feelings for so long, it’s almost second nature. But I can’t keep talking to you like we have been. I just can’t. Maybe someday- if you’ll forgive me for burdening you with all of this- we can go back to being the good friends we’ve been for so long. I hope more than anything that you’ll understand. I’m sorry. I’ll miss you.


Your best friend

Confession #2457

Dear A-hole -

i love you, I really do. But why are you so fucking self-centered? She's 3. She's FUCKING 3. And you want to get pissy and shitty with her when she completely melts down after having 7-fucking hours of sleep last night. A 3 year old needs at least 10 hours of sleep at night. she went to bed late and stayed awake in her bed for hours, not falling asleep until 11 PM. Yet you get her up at 6 AM because YOU suddenly can't be late for work.

Fuck you. You've been late every fucking day for the past 6 months and you pick TODAY to turn over a new leaf? You come home and you're shitty with both of them because they are tired. Newsflash dill-hole, they're going to be tired. and you want to get them up earlier. Thanks-a-fucking-lot. I don't get home until 6 PM and now I have to have them in bed by 8-fucking PM so they can get enough sleep. I see my precious babies for maybe 2 hours (if you can fucking get home by 6 PM, but who are we kidding? You sure as fuck can't be troubled to do that).

Why can you not understand this? It's not fucking rocket science. You won't listen to me and you are making me hate being married to you. Get a fucking clue, these are your flesh and blood. You should have a concept of what they need.

I pray we are accepted for the place that is closer to their preschools. At least then I can drop them off and see them a bit more.

I'm so angry with you, I can't even see straight.

The Wife

Confession #2458

I feel trapped by my husband's job. He makes good money, but he is working all the time. I didn't sign up to do the parenting single-handed. Jobs in my field require every other weekend, and I'd have to get a nanny for child care since my husband is always at the office. And that would eat up all my salary. (No, I don't have a family member nearby to watch the kids. Why would it be my family's responsibility to work for no wages?)

Confession #2459

You are planning a beautiful, romantic weekend trip for us, and I can't wait for the time we will have together. Time for us to make love - away from kids and jobs. Time to have meals together and make jokes and play and fall deeper in love. Thank you, my love, for thinking of this and for planning it for us.

Confession #2460

When you belittle me in front of family, and then you say it's my fault, and I should go away and leave you alone, that's what I want to do. At that moment, I was ready to have an affair. I was going to call an old college friend, ask him if he was busy, ask him if he had condoms, and tell him I was coming over. I know that another old friend would jump at the chance to make love to me, but he's married, and I won't break someone else's marriage vows. But since you don't seem to care about the vows you made, I'm not sure why I should care, either. (Answer: Because I'm a grownup. Because it's a sin. Because you're not a jerk all the time.)
Right now I want to wake you up and hit you. I won't. But I want to.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

True Wife Confessions 245 No Fuss Recipes

Confession #2441

It is not necessary to yell at me in front of your parents for reminding you what the doctor said. Since we're on truthful things you don't want to hear: Lose weight. Exercise more. Eat less. Be home on time. Keep your promises. Wash your hands. It is not my fault you hurt your back. It is your responsibility to do the exercises. I am not here for you to yell at.

Confession #2442

If I could give one piece of advice to every female on the planet it would be this: NEVER, EVER, EVER get involved with or marry a man with children that he doesn't have at least joint custody of. If he's fighting for custody or more parenting time, and especially if he doesn't have at least a civil relationship with his ex-wife, your life will be one battle after the next and one drama after the next for as long as there are minor children involved.

You will NEVER come first, your happiness will NEVER top his list of priorities, your time will NEVER be your own. Even when he's taken the child for an outing he will still find some reason to drag you away from whatever you're doing (after all, your interests can NEVER be as important as his!!!) and convince you to do yet one more thing to help him fight HIS battle. And if you DARE to feel put upon because your feelings don't seem to matter, the MOST you'll get from him is a meaningless "do you know how much I love you?" or "you're just the best" ... but words are a cheap commodity my dear ... they are but one more tool in his arsenal.

If you want happiness, find a man who will value YOUR happiness as much as he values his own. Find a man who wants only the best for you and will stop at nothing to see to it that you have it. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER settle for less than the kind of treatment and attention you give the man you love, because once you do, you will NEVER undo the damage. Once he knows you're willing to settle for less and play second class to him, he'll treat you like the hired help he actually believes you are.

Confession #2443


I love you so much and you are such a good father to our kids, but....

How many years in a row do I have to cry about how nobody does anything for my birthday before you get the fucking hint that I'd like more than a free e-card?

You don't get me a gift, you don't even get the kids to fold a piece of paper in half and make me a card.

Oh, and me telling you what I'd like you to cook me for dinner, me shopping for the ingredients, me looking up the recipe and me cleaning up afterwards does not count.

Your forty-seven damn years old, how much longer until you can do this by yourself? You KNOW that if I tell you what to do I think it's the same as me doing it myself. Why do you insist on playing this clueless male game that hurts my feelings and makes me feel like your live in maid/sex surrogate?

You know where cake mix is at the grocery store. You know it's important to me. Bake a fucking cake this year.

Confession #2444

I can't get it out of my mind!! Why did you do this to us?? Selfish or sick, I don't know. I go to work and think about it. I come home and look at you walk in the door and you do the dishes and vacuum thinking it will get better. You can't fix my head or my heart. Instead I have no patience and I yell at our innocent kids. Sometimes you just plain @uck. I din't do anything. You did this to us.

Confession #2445

You make me laugh like no one on earth. Part of the reason I am so very much in love with you is our ability to laugh. This morning, when you muttered "I have a fever" and I responded "And the only prescription"....to which you said "Is more cowbell". Its like you live in my head with me - and it is a funny place, indeed.

Confession #2446

I have tried hard to don't even think abou all this. I got married young, not really wanting it, but we had a good life, we still do. Actually if it wasn't for you, this relationship wouldn't work at all. I really apreciate all your effort, and for your forgivness for everytime I trashed you and cheated on you, for being patient with my mood swinging my attempt to kill myself, and in general for not loving you right.
I'm sorry I have messed up so much. It's true that I want to take care of you, and not let anybody harm you. I want to give you back at least some of what you have given me. And I know the one that hurt you the most has been me.
But...why I cant feel passionate about you? why do I feel allright when I'm away from you? Why sometimes it feels like i'm missing something better, when I had personally checked and found nothing but regret....
I promise I will keep trying to live up to my compromise with you. You gave me one mor chance, and I promised not to blew it. And I know im a bitch for missing another man, and feeling sad because I was just and affair for him. I will not fail, I promise, I just wish I could feel good about myself.

Confession #2447

To My Husband:

There's this guy named Galileo, who about 450 years ago proved that the earth revolves around the sun.
SURPRISE! It doesn't revolve around you!

Listen, I've been in the Arts world a long time; I know that a lot of artists suffer from some degree of narcissism. I even struggle with self-centered and the like; but your self-absorption often reaches epic levels. Does every conversation ALWAYS have to end up being about you? Do you always have to find a "better" story to tell? And even better: do you always have to act completely disinterested in everything I have to say? You claim you're listening, but I'm pretty sure you're just waiting until you can talk again about yourself.

I'm a very placid person, and I can put up with just about anything. But if you don't wise up soon, the next time you start talking about yourself I might have to clock you in the jaw. Take a hint: try not to remind me of the husband in Rosemary's Baby.

-Your Wife.

Confession #2448

I have never posted before. I do come here to read and to try to understand why you are the way you are. I lay in bed and ask why.. why are we together..why do you let me do the finances when you know I can't...why did I do everything for you..you are capable...why did I stand by your side in court and listen to what happened, again...why didn't I say something to the other woman when she made her comments...I didn't do anything, you did...you did this to us, not me...I was home with the kids, sleeping...you were out having"fun"....why do I have to pay for this???? Why do I have to forgive you???? I don't know if I want to, but you want us to move on together...I don't know if I can get past this one...I didn't ask for this and I didn't do anything.....Why are you leaving this to me to make the decisions...I want you to be the man and take my hand and show me how to move on together.... Why do I have to be the strong one...I don't want to be anything for you

Confession #2449

I still love you. But increasingly I realize I am not IN love with you anymore. You try so hard, and it's not your fault. We are just growing in different directions. I just can't picture the rest of my life locked inside the walls of trying to avoid setting off your jealousies and insecurities, which are compounded by my resentment of the implications these jealousies imply. I grow resentful of you and your annoying habits, but this is really my problem. I know that there is someone out there who will totally appreciate you for you. That used to be me, but it just isn't anymore. You are, among other things, hard working and brilliant and sweet and caring and kind. Every time I snap at you for what seems to be no reason (sometimes just the sound of your voice irritates me to no end) I feel even worse because you don't deserve to be married to a bitch...and when I feel worse I'm even more likely to be mean to you. We are in a spiral and I don't know how to get out of it except to betray our forever promise. One of these days I'll take that terrifying leap into the unknown of being totally honest with you, no matter how much it might hurt both of us. In the mean time I'm hurting both of us with my cowardice. I'm sorry.

Confession #2450

You are the first person with whom I am completely myself - completely honest. It is terrifying and wonderful. You allow me this space, without judging me. You are everything I ever hoped for in a partner and rather than be upset that I had to wade through all of lifes shit before you, I don't mind so much. Because it helped me know how truly remarkable you are. I share it all - the kinks, the insecurities, the odd fears - and you love it, love me. You are my beloved.