Monday, December 22, 2008

True Wife Confessions 277 Elvira

Confession #2761

Baby, you make me feel so very loved. Every girl in the world should feel this good. The way you touch me you make me feel so very loved I wish every girl could feel as wonderful my dear.
I Love you

Confession #2762

I know you hate the "cutting down the tree" tradition - but you do it, and are only minimally crabby about it. Thank you

Confession #2763

I said I would remain faithful but I’m slowly changing my mind. My male friends are looking better each day, sometimes I daydream of what it would be like to touch their skin, placing my lips all over their body and I do not feel guilty, I feel lonely and defiant. I appreciate your ignoring my attempts at affection they help me to realize your dislike or dissatisfaction for me and believe it or not I am perfectly ok with this because I’m also unhappy with you. Sometimes I wish you would leave me this way I won’t have to make the first move.

Confession #2764

For the first time in your adult life you are facing a very painful situation. I am sad for you. But I am also kind of glad, because maybe you will be able to relate to me better. Maybe you will see that my occasional sadness isn't a "weird mood"; sadness is a normal reaction when things remind me of ugly past events, people I have lost, and truths I now know. I hope you keep some of your bravado though.

Confession #2765

I saw him today. The man that made me what I am. The beginning of my foray into adulthood. The man who gave and took away. The man I thought I could never put down, never absorb enough of, the first man to make me cry, the first man I made cry.

I once believed I could not breathe if he wasn't near me. I couldn't live if he wasn't mine or even some semblance of such. But I found I was stronger. I found I was better for it, better for knowing, better for leaving. I needed to let go, I needed to grow. I needed what he couldn't/wouldn't give me. I needed myself.

But he still stops my breath. Do I love him? No, I haven't for years. I know that I never will again. Friends? I've never been good with that with anyone. Friends with someone who knows me, knows why I do, and what I do, what I want, and I will? I can't go back there anymore. I won't.

I have more now. I have someone I can and do love. Someone who wants all of me. Someone who will take no less, and no more. Someone who lets me live and learn, someone who loves me for what I am. For better or worse, he is the man that makes me the woman I've always wanted to be. The woman that I needed to be.

So if for nothing else, thank you. Thank you for the memories, the lessons learned, thank you for giving me myself.

Confession #2766

We finally did it. We finally had one whole day and night together. I dont know how the stars aligned to allow us to do this and get away with it but they did and i'm glad and i dont feel one bit of guilt or shame. I swear I'm not a cold woman, just a taken-for-granted married woman. We've had a years worth of quickie's here and there, whenever we could get away but that one night, 2 nights ago, trumps them all. The attention and affection we have for each other, when we can, in public, in a town where we know no one, far away from home is unbelievable. Our sex, unbelievable. Waking up next to you, with everybit of your arms and body surrounding me, produces the most unbelievable feeling i think i've experienced in 10 years. I will never leave my family for you and you'll never leave yours for me. I dont think it would be this great if we did. But those few nights i expect we'll have in the next few years will keep me refueled in managing my marriage. Just, thank you so much for giving me that, for holding me like that, for lusting me with such uncontrollable want. Thanks for making me feel like a million dollars for 36 hours.

Confession #2767

i don't know what happened exactly. i'm not sure i could even pin point when even it did. i just know something changed inside of me, like i'd been asleep for the past six years and i suddenly woke up. i can't put up with your shit anymore. no more head games and mind tricks. i'm tired of feeling worthless and small. i'm tired of being belittled and bullied around. i'm tired of being told i'm weak. i'm not. i can't say what made me realize it but i know will be so much better off without you.

i just hope we get this over with soon. fast and quick. i want the papers signed. i want you out of my life for good. i cannot wait to be alone.

i wish i could fast forward to years down the road... my family, my friends, me... we'll all have forgotten you. and we'll be all the more better for it.

i thank god every day that we didn't have kids. it makes this all so much easier.

Confession #2768

You cheated on your gf with me. I knew that it wasn't the kind of man that you are. Your email to me today only confirms that. I feel so bad... in a way I feel like the only reason why you did cheat was because of all the things that i said to you. I also feel so hurt because up until now you are all that I think about. You told me that we could still talk but just not bout that. I said ok but what exactly are we supposed to talk about. We weren't friends before and your with someone. You don't even call me from your cell phone. You call me from your house number. So obviously your dealing with me is going to remain a secret. A mutual friend of ours invited me out tonight but your gonna be there with your gf. I could never do that to you but more importantly I could never do that to myself. It would hurt me so badly to see you with someone else. Mainly because I have wished for so long that I was that somebody. Of course no one knows about this and I swear I will never tell a single soul. I leave next week for vacation and that could not have come at a better time. I hope being away from here will give me some perspective. I hope if need be it will help me to move on and get past everything.

Confession #2769

I think I am starting to forgive you. When we went to your work Christmas party and everyone kept saying what a woman I was for putting up with you, and one wanted to shake the hand of the woman who married you, I kind of liked it. I know you are crazy, I know you believe in what you believe in with all your heart, and you are vocal about it. Loudly. You also have the best safety record in all the nation and part of that is because of you. Because you care. The more the night went on and the pictures and the talk, I became more and more proud of you and who you are. You are MY husband. How lucky am I??? You put up with me, too. All I believe in, my bullshit and you trust my opinions. Doesn't' mean I fully trust you all the time still, but I think we may be on the road to redemption....
Now don't' get crazy, but I think I may love you again.
Love Me

Confession #2770

If I have to muddle through the holidays where we can please neither sides of our families; at least I can muddle through them with you. I am so glad I am not alone in how frustrated I get with them. On one hand, my mother criticizes us for even celebrating and on the other, your mother makes no effort to ever join us. Yet she sits in her lonely chair, in her decimated house and grumps that no one comes to visit her. How she can even live in that place, I will never know. I love her for giving me a fantastic husband, but if I knew her casually, we would not be friends. My mom drives me insane with her constant Salvation on a Cracker Crusade. It is so comforting that I can turn to you and gripe and have you understand what I am feeling.

I wish I could give you so many things this Christmas but it is also so comforting to know that you really don't want anything. We are both incredibly lucky to be together and to have our kids. Every day is like Christmas when I can be with the 3 of you.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

True Wife Confessions 276 cocoa mini-marshmallows

Confession #2751

I love the way you soothe me. I am amazed that you have learned that just touching me - holding me, rubbing my back, will calm me down in a way that all the words in the world can't do for me. I am amazed that you have figured this out in less than 2 years with me when my prior partner had nearly 20 years ( with me telling him) and never seemed to be able to understand that I simply needed to be Held. My love, you are everything to me.

Confession #2752

I was dating a wonderful man who thought he was over the divorce and the way his ex-wife had ended their relationship. We were happy, very much in love, more so than I ever thought possible. He was wonderful to my children, his girls were great towards me. His family loved to see how happy he was with me, and my family felt the same way.

His ex didn't like the fact that he was moving on. When they got divorced she got a large settlement to pay for their daughters college educations. She spent the money in 18 months. When she realized things were going so great for us and that she didn't have college money for their oldest daughter she pulled a sneaky trick and told him that she shouldn't have divorced him, etc. Because he never truly dealt with his feelings over their divorce it threw him for a loop. Shortly after we stopped dating but remained friends. I could see how much it hurt him to choose, but I understand why he did choose the way he did. Things were great with us being friends- watching ball games, chatting once in a while, seeing how each other's children were doing. I am close friends with his sister and was with his mother too. The ex didn't like the fact that we were still friends and was trying everything she could to even end our friendship. Finally his mom emailed me and told me that she can no longer be my friend because it hurts the ex too much. So I called him to apologize for causing so many problems that our being friends has caused. I told him that I couldn't put him through anymore pain and problems with his ex so we couldn't be friends anymore. It hurt me so much more that we couldn't even be friends than it did when we broke up.

Here's the thing- we've been broken up for over a year, haven't been friends since August. I can't stop thinking about him. I've tried many things to get over him but I miss him so much, his friendship, his kind and caring nature. My kids ask about seeing him and his parents all the time. I just don't know what to do to stop thinking about him. I know that time heals all wounds but this one just seems to keep getting deeper and deeper instead of better.

Confession #2753

When you leave in the morning and you come in and give me a kiss and hug and say, "good bye", I honestly think that it is your sweetest moment. You are quiet, you touch my hair and you always fix the covers so that I am covered, like you are tucking me in. You're gentle for just those few minutes. It's those moments that keep me sane. That let me know that even though you are a hard ass *ALL* the time, you do have it in you to be sweet.

Confession #2754

I know I'm lucky that you talk to me and tell me what's on your mind.
A lot of women would kill for this level of communication from their
husbands. I just wish that what's on your mind weren't so darn
repetitive, or maybe that you would talk in some other form than a
thirty-minute monologue that grows louder and more enthusiastic (or
emphatic, depending on your topic) with every sip of your scotch.
After I've put in an eight-hour day at the office and then spent four
hours solo wrangling the kids and your mom, I am glad to know that
your studies are a source of intellectual enrichment for you. I do
not, however, need to hear for the fourteenth time how the academic
program is structured.

Confession #2755

I got married at 16 because I was pregnant, at 21 because I was rebounding, at 29 because I was in love, and at 45 because I was an idiot, but this time, at 56, I'm marrying for money.

Confession #2756

Husband of mine,

I love you. I know i'm not perfect, and I definitely don't take the time enough to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you do. You help out around the house, when I am panicy you help calm me down, you rarely yell at me even when I am yelling at you.

I am blessed and lucky to have found you. Thank you for fighting so hard for me. Thank you for allowing me to separate from my ex-husband amicably and that the two of you are buddies now. I love that. I love that you take care of me when I am sick and bring me my favorite stuffed animals. I love that you take on overtime and extra little side jobs so that you can make enough money to cover the cost of my car and Christmas presents for our families.

I love that you let me spend $175 on makeup and hair care products the other day just because I was bored with what I had at home. I love that you give me back rubs, foot rubs, and when I am asleep when you come to bed, you put my favorite socks on me just so I keep warm. I love waking up to you each day, and the way you smell. I love that I can be open and honest with you about everything - even when I am still having sexual feelings about my ex-husband. You just hold on to me tight and tell me that you trust me and you love me and I will get over it.

And I will. It will take time, though, and you understand that.

I didn't always have such a great life. Raped, abused, homeless - I never thought I would have all that I have now. And despite my past, and my panic attacks because of my past, and my little hang-ups and my quirks you love me and you find me beautiful. I never would have imagined anyone could find me attractive. I'm fat. I was fat when I married you and I am still fat. And you don't care. You love me. You think my ass cellulite is "cute". WTF? I won't complain.

Neither will you. You have never intentionally made me feel bad about my weight or my appearance. You look at me sometimes like I am the only woman on the planet and you want to devour me. I still feel the same way now that I did when we met.

Someday, after the year 2012, I would like to try and procreate with you. I know you will make an excellent father to our child.

Until then, I think I will be satisfied and happy doing the things we do best: sit around and watch movies together, smoke pot together, read together, take our warm baths together and cuddles.

I love you husband, more than anyone in the world has ever loved anyone else.

yours always,

Confession #2757

don't understand why you continue to do the things you are doing. You are on probation idiot!!! The reckless behavior is beyond me and now the kids are asking questions they shouldn't be asking and talking to me the way they shouldn't. "Are you and dad getting a divorce??" :why is he always mad??" "Why are you always mad??" "You never understand, like dad says"....Your daughter nor the dog, like your loud voice, but you keep on yelling. Do you really think if you get louder it gets better??? Now you tell the therapist that everything is good between us and I am over everything now. I told you the other day that I thought you were getting stressed and I was seeing behaviors that were like last year before you were arrested. You didn't tell him that part. I don't think we are going to make it. I am mad all the time when I walk in the house and I have no one to blame but myself. Now I have to figure out how to fix it and it may be to leave you. Last Christmas I was bailing you out of jail, this Christmas I am thinking of leaving you. No changes and now I have to make major decisions and you did this, not me. Why can't you grow up and stop living in the past? You have 9 lives and you have used 8 of them, I don't know....
Love Me

Confession #2758

I know I am wrong for what I am about to do. But I really can't and won't continue to be unhappy. I want the hoildays to be over so I can go on my trip to see him, I know it will be the weekend of 2/14 but I really don't care. I rather be with the man I really love instead of you anyways. Yes, I married you just to get away from my family,like I have said before I was not in love with you when we got married but I have learned to love you in my own kind of way. Now that I have him back in my life, I not going to let go ever again. If I feel like I can't continue with this lie until we (him and I) can get everything in order for me move back. I will leave the kids with for a short while, while we do get everything in order for us (him, the kids and I) to be a family, I will.

Confession #2759

When we snuck out of the party and made out in the elevator? That was hot - but when you surprised me with the condom that you bought in the mens room - and we ran out to the car to have a quickie? Made me feel like I was 18 again and not in my 40's! Lets do that more!

Confession #2760

I have been married to you for 7 ½ years. We have two beautiful daughters. I would not trade them for anything. However, for the past 2 – 2 ½ years I have been miserable. You contently accuse me of sleeping around. Which……is far from the truth? You must be very guilty to be throwing those accusations around. What are you hiding? Because of you I have had to get a 2nd job just to make it. All the while you went to a casino and blow well over $2,000. Then telling me it was none of my damn business. I got news for you……..IT IS! All you want to do is live the single life for which you do not have. You are a mean alcoholic, verbally abusive and mental abusive to me. On top of it all you told me that YOUR DAUGHTERS are not yours. Listen buddy……I know where I was do you? If your mother knew all the things that you say and do, she would let you have it! The only person who you EVER listen to is your step-daddy. I just hope your happy screwing around on me. Just remember your not only hurting me, your hurting the girls too. When my sister asked me if I still loved you, I told her no. I don’t think I ever did. My hearts has always belonged to one person. That person is not you. So when I get the strength within me to leave your sorry ass……..I will!!!! You will not know what has just hit you when I do.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

True Wife Confession 275 Necco Wafers on the Gingerbread house roof

Confession #2741

So the more I talk to him everyday. The less I want to continue to be with you. I know it will not be perfect, He makes me feel complete and I know he would make me happy. It's selfish on my part because I should think of our children. But it is hard, when i am still, and always be in LOVE with another man, when I married you, I was not in love with you but I have learned to love you but it will never compare to the LOVE that we share.

Confession #2742

I started an affair with a married man and have continued it even
after getting busted and making promises to you that it would never
happen again. But now I think I see that I'm not really in love with
him. He needs this more than I do. But I don't know how to find my
way back to you. I feel caught in the middle with no real place to
be. I can't tell him. I can't tell you. No one knows and I am
incredibly alone.

Confession #2743

We've been together for 25 years. I don't know exactly why or how it happened...but we've both changed. I'm not happy anymore 80% of the time when I'm with you. You've become angry, bitter, and controlling. You fly off at the slightest thing. Maybe you've always been that way but I was so young when we met that I didn't see it. I just thought I was in love and you were all I could see. Maybe if I had given myself a chance one of the many times we broke up when you tired of me I might of met someone else. Now married and too many children later , I feel stuck. I feel like I just woke up 3 years ago and realized I love you but I'm not in love with you. There's no passion in our sex life. I don't even want it to be you, I imagine it's someone else. I want to leave but I don't want to disrupt the kids. I go out and wish I could find someone who might spark my interest.....but I don''t. So maybe it's wrong but I'm just hanging on hoping my feelings will change or that once the kids are more grown that someone will find me.

Confession #2744

Listen, I've been screwing you for the better half of a year now. In and out of the office, behind your wife and my husbands back. It's ok, i like it, you get what you need and i get what i need. But dont set up a time and place and then not be able to show up. I know your wife and work come first and i know your wife pulls your strings and sh1t happens but i'm sitting here waiting for you to show up so i can get mine. Yes, i could go home and screw my husband but its just not the same. You set this up, not me. So either find the time and put out or i'm just going tohave to find some one to screw, NSA style.

Confession #2745

The reason you can't find a new job is not that other people are
stupid or your e-mail isn't working. It's because you apply for jobs
online when you're drunk without really reading the announcements or
editing your application documents. I'm amazed you get called for
interviews at all.

Confession #2746

(1673, back again.) I am ready to give you this confession face-to-face, but I don't know when that can happen. I want it here because, even though no one knows who we are, I need other people to know how you make me feel. I love you. I am always enamored. I've felt this way for years now and it's barely wavered; if anything, it's only gotten stronger. "The sun rises and sets with her" -- I could not describe this feeling any better. When I'm with you, my mind and soul feel at peace. I want to see yours at peace. On the rare occasions we've seen each other, all I wanted to do was touch you. Look into your green eyes and tell you all of this while I felt your skin against mine. When we spent the night in each others' arms, I dreamed about telling you this. It was beautiful. I'm so thankful for that night.

I can't say I haven't tried to talk myself out of feeling this way. I even managed to convince myself a time or two, but that never lasted long. You were always under the surface. The one my heart jumps back to. Not a day has gone by where you haven't crossed my mind. I can't deny my feelings, but I've done an OK job at pushing away and accepting that you didn't feel the same. Trying to move on and maybe get another chance at true love along the way. Settling. But now I find out that your feelings are similar! Perhaps they developed more recently, but something tells me it must've always been there for you too. I want to burst with happiness just at the prospect of another chance. We may have fucked it up at first, but that doesn't mean we can't do it the right way now. I hope we both learned from our mistakes.

In trying to remove myself from my intensely private feelings, I realized that it's you who have put yourself out there much more than I have; which may explain why you've also run away more. I need you to know that I'm with you in this. The long haul. I'm not afraid of it, as long as its with you. I may not be your wife, but you are the only one who could convince me to marry again. I wouldn't even need much convincing. But we wouldn't have to. We could just be. Happy. (Please, "fate", don't make us wait another five years!)

Confession #2747

Here's a confession...I hate you. I absolutely hate you. We've been married for 3 months and if I wasn't so prideful I would have already divorced you. I am so embarrased, everyone thinks that I am so smart, so wise, so mature...well then why did I end up married to you?

Your family is the most fucked up family that I have ever seen in my life. Your Mom is your father's slave. You Dad has 5 bastard children that live in the house with he and your mother...and oh yeah, the concubine. You are stupid enough to think that your Dad is not having sex with idiot...he's fucking that bitch.

You grab my breasts and toss me around when you are mad at me, you fondle me while I am crying and begging you to stop and you wonder why the thought of sex with you repulses me. I absolutely hate it. I pray for it to be over before it even begins. It is not enjoyable one bit, it is horrible. You hit me, bite me, toss me off beds and flip matresses over on me, and you think that you are completely justified. You are impatient as hell. You are greedy, selfish and dishonest. You lied to our baptist university to get more money. I hate your church, they lied for you....what kind of church LIES...oh yeah, a church filled with GREEDY BLACK people that place money above serving God....disgusting. Your sister is in seminary and is becoming a preacher, but she has an unsatiable appetite for immoral sexual encounters and has probably had more partners than can be counted on both hands and both feet. I know of at LEAST 10 that she has had in the 2.5 years that I have known her...the football team knows her very well...but she continues to go around preaching the gospel even though she lives in such disgusting in sin that's's each person's perogative, but I just don't understand how she gets into the pulpit and PREACHES on Sunday knowing about her disgusting and dangerous sexual addiction.

Your brother is dumb, and inconsiderate, and selfish. His wife thinks that sex is a chore, just like me. He is always buying(well not really, just financing) toys and gadets for himself, digging himself deeper and deeper into debt. People think that his new car is cool, or that his two TV's are nice...but I think he's stupid because he financed it ALL....and if they knew that he was drowning in debt they would think he is stupid too. His boys are growing, but the sad thing is I seriously doubt they will be able to move to a bigger place because of his dumb behind. I never see his wife get anything, but he always has to have the best and newest of everything. He also degrades her sexually in front of others, and makes rude sex jokes that make everyone uncomfortable to the point that they don't' want to be around him. But you look up to him and call him for advice and tell him everything. My advice shouldn't get advice from someone that you don't want to be like...or is that it, you want to be like him?

You degrade me and tell your friends and family private things about us, tell them that you are having a miserable time at my family's Thanksgiving, tell them about our sex life is like and how you are not getting enough ass. And the sad thing are supposed to be Mr. Super Christian. You teach the youth at church, you only listen to Christian coach a football team at a children's home, but while you are teaching them, do you teach them that it is ok to hit your wife because she "antagonized" you(read: antagonizing=disagreeing with you)? Do you tell them to refer to their girlfriend's as "piece's of ass"? No, you give them hypocritical lectures on how they should not date and remain pure...blah blah blah....all the while you are addicted to pornography and compulsively masturbate. You video taped me having sex when I didn't know it and you keep these videos stored on your computer against my will. I have asked you time and time to delete them, and you said that you did, but they always seems to resurface. You fooled around with one of your half siblings, you disgusting jerk.

You buy me gifts that you want. Stupid electronic shit that I don't even like, and you know it. But you buy it for me so that you can have it. It's funny that I never see these gifts after I get them, because you end up using them. A week after we were married you left me at my parents house...abandoned me, all because you could not wait 45 minutes to load the gifts from our wedding into the car following our honeymoon. You wouldn't wait to let me write down who got us what because you wanted to get home...probably because you thought that you deserved more sex. You left and refused to tell me where you were going. Actually, you do this quite often. You went to your sisters house and no doubt told her what a jerk of a wife I am.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You are the world's biggest asshole. One time you pressed on my chest so that I couldn't breathe, then you licked a pillow and held it over my face. You told me that you were crazy so I should not mess with you....but you are a Christian, you work around kids and at Christian sports camps. You think you are hot stuff and that other girls would LOVE to be with you. But...they wouldn't, they would think that your family is crazy, and that sometimes you stink. Especially your balls. Ew.

Your body is seriously out of proportion. You have a mid sized body 5'10, but a HUGE head, huge nose, HUGE lips that are always cracked and dry, HUGE size 16 feet, and CANKLES. You are disgusting. So this is love...lucky me...this is the sex that I waited for my whole life...I would rather clean the toilet...with my, but really. I was foolish enough to tell you my deepest darkest secret, I cried because it felt so good to be vulnerable with you, my HUSBAND. Unfortunately for me I was played the fool as that secret was shared with your asshole of a brother less than 2 hours later.

Yet I keep holding on. Probably not for much longer though. I wish I could muster up the courage to just punch you in your face, with all of my might...but I couldn't do that because you are no gentleman and would most definitely beat me, until I was dead.

Confession #2748

You really are pushing all my button or maybe I am just looking for a reason to tell you I'm leaving that I am done with this marriage. If I can make it happen I will spend valentines weekend with him. I am so sick of all the things you do, like this weekend you were so drunk that you were being mean for no reason, you were the one who told me to dance with YOUR cousin, I did not offer then you get pissed off at me, come on I might not love you but I would never disrespect you with your own family. Then you say "I'm sorry" like that fixes anything. I'm not some whore off the street, I'm your wife but not for to long.

Confession #2749

You are an alcoholic. You are basically a good man when you are not drunk but those moments are few and far between.

You are Jekyll and Hyde, and although I don't really believe in divorce, I think about it all the time lately. You have spun so far out of control, that I am constantly worried and afraid and I feel unsafe, insecure, and resentful.

I would have left you a long time ago if I had the money, although I also constantly worry about the negative effects it will have on my children when we split.

If I die tomorrow I do not feel safe leaving you to take care of my kids. You are 100% irresponsible.

Our financial problems are astronomical. I was forced to be out of work for a couple of months after a surgery, and you just blame me for "single handedly ruining us financially". I am back to work now and doing my best.

I feel like I have way too much weight on my shoulders. Neither one of us have any family or friends nearby and I feel so lonely and desperate.

Confession #2750

So, here's the thing: If you would just try parenting your daughters half as much as you try to parent me, we'd likely all feel much more loved and appreciated. And also, stop YELLING all the time. I've learned to tune you out, but the kids haven't acquired that skill yet. Yesterday, after you left, N came up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "Mama, I'm sorry Daddy yelled at you; it's not your fault." And it broke my heart. Because I may have learned how to ignore you, but there's no way that I can ignore that.

Friday, November 28, 2008

True Wife Confessions 274 cranberries on a string

Confession #2731

I dream about winning the lottery. I don't want to quit my job or buy a bunch of stuff, I just want to kick you out of my life with enough money to land on your feet. You're about to lose your house, you have a crappy job you hate, no savings, no furniture, and you feed yourself from boxes and cans. I don't hate you and it would be cruel to kick you out now, but I'm tired of you. I'm tired of the endless stream of complaints, tired of paying for almost everything, tired of being interrupted when I talk, tired of all the half-finished projects around the house, tired of all the "someday" promises that I know are shit, tired of hearing about your ex-wife, sick and tired of your disfunctional family, and beyond tired of the baby talk. We have almost nothing in common. I'm moody and distant not because I'm mad at you, but because I wish you would just go away.

Confession #2732

Dear Husband,

It should have been a warning to me when we were dating that your mother balanced your check book. But I ignored it. Now when it comes to money I am the only one who has a clue what is going on. You think that going out to lunch every day is not that much. Well 8 dollars every day is $160 bucks a month give or take. Then when your over time gets cut with what you say is no warning we need every penny. We decide to take some money out of your 401K to pay our rent, you forget to sign the paper work. So when I pick up the envelope to take it to the bank, it is the paperwork you were SUPPOSED to sign. You claim the guy didn’t tell you that you needed to sign anything…. I used to have a hard time believing you are that dumb. Now I know you really are that stupid.

I want to go out and work, because I can make more money than you because I have a degree. But you tell me that it is better if I stay home with the kids. What you are really saying is you are too lazy to do what I do every day and your puny little ego couldn’t take it if I was the breadwinner. You keep saying you will get a second job. Well sh*t or get off the pot. I am so sick of hearing you talk about how badly you want your Jeep, or how you need a motorcycle. Well money doesn’t grow on trees. We can barely afford to keep our heads above water as it is. Yet you need your HD tv stations, your tivo, your xbox360.… The only reason I keep the internet is because I was able to get a part time job that you don’t know about. I tell you the money comes from my parents. I suggest we sell you toys so we can pay some bills and maybe when money is better we can buy them again. But you tell me that is stupid. Well boy genius where is the money going to come from? The only reason I think you want to keep your xbox360 is so you can keep talking to your internet whores.

Oh yeah I know about them. I have called you on it. You tell me you do it because you are no longer attracted to me because I have gained weight. Yes it is all entirely my fault. The three pregnancies in three years were accomplished entirely by me you had no help there. And the sad thing is, the only pregnancy I wanted was the daughter we lost. The other two were accidents, and they are our living children… I know exactly when they were conceived because those were the only times we had sex that month. I am loosing the weight, I have lost 15 pounds this month, not that you would notice. But as soon as I lose a little more, I am going to go out and find someone who thinks I am pretty and wants to have sex with me.

I wish I had one positive thing to say about you, but really I don’t. I can’t even say you are a good father. You don’t play with the kids, you yell at our daughter instead of talking to her. You are just as quick to “thump” her as you are to hug her. Trust me, she will grow up to hate you. A father is supposed to be a model for his son to grow up to be. I pray to God every night our son does not end up like you.

I guess maybe I should take my own advice, I complain about you, but I take no action. I think I have just given up. Congratulations, you have killed the formerly headstrong opinionated person I used to be.

Confession #2733

So, after almost 17 years I still have the same feekings i had for him the last time we saw each, I have talking to him for hours every day. I am seriously thinking of leaving and go back to him. I love and not one day has gone by that i haven't thought of him, and now that he is back in my life I don't want to lose him again because of you my dear husband

Confession #2734

Dear Heartbreaker,

One night, in September, while you were sleeping, 4334 sent a picture to your phone of the two of you together. I could tell that you guys were in her bedroom.

Since she knew we got back together and since I asked her to be a decent human being and not to send texts or call so late at night, I erased the message and picture. But not before I sent it to my e-mail. I look at it everyday. It kills me because I know when I asked you if something happened between you two while we were separated you told me no. I know (call it a women’s intuition) that you are lying. I question the decision of us getting back together. It has been three months since the baby was born, three months that you’ve been back at home, but in those three months we have had a lot more bad days than good days. Maybe that is why I look at the picture 4334 sent you. Maybe combining the picture and the resentment I hold against you for the way you treated me while I was pregnant will be enough for me to stop loving you. Why can’t I stop loving you? Why do the good days make me forget the bad days? And why when we(you) are having a bad day, I just think that a good day is soon to come…? In how many ways will I allow you to break my heart before I have had enough?

Till another time,

-Hurting Heart

Confession #2735

I always thought when I got married, it would be forever. Now, after only three years, I feel like running away. If it wasn't for our daughter, I know I would be gone. I don't know if you've changed or if I've changed or if what I want has changed, but I know that the marriage we have is not what I want for myself. I think you actually might be content with what we have, but I want more. I need more. I know you're a good person, but you're not the right person for me and I hate that we are all you have in your life - no friends, no family support. I know if we left it would kill you, but staying is killing me.

Confession #2736

I'm so sorry that having sex with you is not on the top of my priority list right now. I am 8 weeks pregnant and it is exhausting. Between being tired and bloated, I feel like ass most of the day. Being nauseated and/or puking for the majority of your day does not make one feel particularly sexy. Please excuse me for not wanting to get horizontal the minute you walk in the door. And on the rare occasion that I don't feel like shit, you are forcing yourself on me and that makes me feel like all I am to you is a vehicle to get your rocks off. It is such a turn-off having to CONSTANTLY fight you off of me. I have told you to let me pursue you sometimes because, believe it or not, I am occasionally horny too. But all that flies out the window when you are always trying to pin me down and hump me. Yes, I realize my boobs are bigger and that turns you on but that does not mean that you can grab them any time you want. You try working full-time as a teaching assistant for special needs children AND being pregnant. Then come talk to me about your horniness. I would be willing to bet that it has dissipated greatly. I know you have Playboys under the sink in your bathroom and I have no problem with you using them. But instead, you are pouting in the living room because having sex with you once a week is not enough. Get over it because it is probably not going to change for at least another 3 weeks.

Confession #2737

I've made a terrible mistake!! Can someone help me?

I"m a 47 year old mother of one (and I"m married) who is currently a freshman in college. He has a friend (age 19, and HUNKY) who hangs-out and spends the night on a regular basis. Well, one night at around 1:00 AM I walked out to the living room and found him watching TV. I tempted fate and decided to sit with him and watch TV. One thing lead to another, and we kissed and indulged in some very inaapropriate touching. I feel so bad, my husband would be very hurt if he found out. What should I do? Should I tell him, or keep it to myself? Should I tell my son his friend can't come over any more? I really screwed up!!

Confession #2738

My fiance's soon-to-be-ex-wife has been a major pain in the ass for over two years, in every way imaginable. Last week, she assaulted him (again) and spent the night in jail. While she was in jail, we moved the rest of his things out of her house.

I peed on her toothbrush.

Confession #2739

OK So now you don't have ADD. The doc says to come off the meds right away and to have a nice day, he can't help you. when you thought there was a reason for the behavior and the asshole attitude, it changed. The second you found out you still don't know why, you turned into that guy again. The one who sleeps all the time, yells when he gets aggravated and has no patience. In case you forgot, I don't want to live with this guy. You have to figure out what is wrong and I can't hold your hand. Just fucking grow up and be the man you can be, not the shithead!! There you happy now, I am swearing........
Love Me

Confession #2740

You asked me if I've cried since our break up and I told you that of course I had. I haven't though and I do not know why. You would think that after 12 years this would hurt more but I think I am just relieved that I don't have to deal with your crap anymore.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

True Wife Confessions 273 Kelvin

Confession #2721

I'm not really that mad at you for calling the phone "chat" line, per
se. I'm mad because you did it from our master bath at two in the
morning when I was lying six feet away from you and could hear every
word. I'm mad because you were so drunk that, before calling the
phone chat line, you "playfully" woke me out of a sound sleep to bite
my ass like three times. I'm mad that you got mad when I busted into
the bathroom to warn you that I could hear you. I'm mad that you kept
me awake for an hour afterward trying to engage me in a "playful"
conversation about why it bothered me that you were calling a phone
chat line and getting mad that I was upset. I'm mad that you're this
drunk at least once a week and that every third time we have sex you
can't ejaculate because you're literally too drunk to fuck. On the
bright side, you woke up to use the bathroom instead of pissing the

Confession #2722

The feeling that coursed through me when he kissed me and fondled me surpasses anything I have ever felt for you when we made love. My body aches for him. Last night, I thought of him the whole time and I feel no remorse. I never new this kind of emotion could exist. I have tolerated you touching me and have "checked out" while we were intimate for our whole marriage.
He is interested in being my friend first and foremost. He wants to know and cares deeply about ME! All you have ever truly cared about is you.
I am in love with him. It is an unexpected love, to be certain, but inevitable in reflection of how you have treated me for 11 long years. I wish I would have known he wanted me before we were married. I would never have married you. Now, regretfully both of us are married. Him, happily. I have told you I will divorce you if we don't get counseling. Now I don't know if I even want to make it work with you. I don't know if I can get over all the hurt and shit you have dumped on me. I don't think I can put my heart out there one more time, hoping that things will change and have you stomp and shit all over it. I am tired of giving you another chance. I know I will never feel the same passion with you that I did with him. Ever. My life would be a lie if I stayed with you.
I would rather talk with anyone else beside you be cause you are such a pompous, stuck up prick. You think that if I change that our marriage will be magically fixed. Get over yourself. Take some responsibility for your actions.
I would rather have our children see us happy separated than miserable, angry and bitter together. They deserve better. I DESERVE BETTER!!! I am over the drama and over you.
I am so glad I am finally realizing this so you can't steal anymore years of happiness from me.

Confession #2723

17 years ago I met and started dating EX. Over the years we had many disagreements, some minor, some major and very bitter and hurtful. We also made a lot of concessions and accommodations in order to remain together and living in the same house - including completely separate finances. We each bought, paid for, and cooked our meals separately. Separate vacations 90% of the time - and the few we shared each included at least one bad fight. Separate bedrooms. In these and so many other ways we lived separately, compartmentalizing ourselves into spaces and times where we could each enjoy pieces of life, just not together.

I left numerous times, and returned each time to him as the familiarity and safety of the known kept me from creating a free life for myself. At the same time, two years ago I had to choose a new travel agent as my former one retired from the business. I spent some time getting to know this new agent, and we became friends. We had drinks and dinners together, went to movies, and had conversations around shared interests, family histories, travel, and so on. Gradually our fondness for one another shifted and increased, and we fell in love. This newfound happiness, with someone whose emotional reality complements and matches my own, who is smart and funny, who loves to travel, can cook, is sexy and wise and grounded, gave me strength to stop tormenting both myself and EX, and I decided mid-October to leave the unhappy and unsuccessful marriage.

I have moved in with my new partner, and we are engaged - an engagement which will last through the separation and divorce process, which in Alberta I understand takes 12 months from date of separation. My partner's name is FIANCE. She loves me and I love her - the cute faces and happy smiles we share are commented on a lot.

Confession #2724

When you asked me if I would live with you if you were to build a house for us out in the country, I said yes, and you said "Ah-ha. Now I know how to get you to say yes". Actually, I'd say yes even if you wanted us to live in a little 1-bedroom apartment in the city. In a heartbeat.

Confession #2725

My SO sleeps about two hours more than I do, but if I try to get up before he does, he (sleepily) believes that I'm cold, pulls me closer, and wraps the blanket around me. While very sweet, it means I'm lying there for at least two hours suffocating under the blanket with a full (and getting fuller) bladder. (I've tried telling him that I need to go, but he's rarely conscious enough to hear me.)

Once he wakes, he immediately zombies to the bathroom for his daily routine. This takes roughly 45 minutes. By this time, I've been needing to use the restroom for almost three hours, a third of which was spent listening to running water. And then he tells me to hurry up and shower so we can go out for breakfast.

My confession: Dear SO - every time you "bathroom-block" me, I pee in the shower. (But I always clean the stall afterward.)

Confession #2726

I loathe those video games sometimes. I just wish you could turn off the damn computer and come and watch this movie with me. Instead I'm in here on the floor wishing for your attention. So much that I just pleasured myself because I feel really deprived. Damn you Warhammer. Damn you.

Confession #2727

It has been 18 long, hard years. After the birth of our son, I saw the signs, but I stayed, hoping that it would get better. I thought maybe it was because you were working so many hours and traveling and the baby and I were sick alot. But that wasn't it. When we moved and I stayed home with our son, I realized that marrying you was a big mistake. What kind of man is jealous of his own son? You have the best son ever; 17 years old, good grades, about to graduate, no drinking or drugging or staying out late, no baby mama drama. He has no idea if you even love him. You never speak to us. You lead your selfish life, doing whatever the hell you want, whenever you want and I have been raising that boy and working my ass off for 17 years. Thanks for ignoring us. We both feel like we don't matter. So if you have noticed over the years that there is a big wall around me, you're right. I have had to do that in order to survive and take care of myself. When I hear other women say how their husband holds their hand, or picks up the kids from school or puts a few twenties into their purse as a surprise, I cry inside because I have a husband who doesn't even speak to me, who pretends that I don't even fucking exist and continues to focus on himself and his own desires. I ache inside for what could have been, what I most definitely deserve. I am not a needy person, but I do need to be spoken to with respect and not barked at like a dog, to be held without being groped, to be asked 'how was your day' and have someone actually care about the answer. You're sick now, and I thought that this cancer would wake you up to see what is so very important in life. It has done nothing but make you even more selfish and cranky. Wow...some nights I pray that God takes you so that I can be released from this hell of a marriage and move on. I wonder if I can ever heal from all the emotional scars you have given me.

Confession #2728

Dear Future Husband

We have 19 more months until we get married and every day I wonder for a few moments if I can do this for the ret of my life. I miss you; I miss the funny caring sensitive man that I started dating five years ago. I know you have your hobbies and I work two jobs, but do you really have to spend so much time on the computer or watching sports? I love seeing the back of your head every day.

We moved in together over a year ago and I now know that unless I ask you will do nothing around the house to help me out! I’m sorry your parents didn’t make your help around the house and they still pay for your car insurance and cell phone. I have to leave you a note just to empty the dish washer and half the time you don’t do it and then you get mad at me for saying something to you. And you don’t get the financial struggles I have to go through, because you don’t have to worry about tons of bills!

And I don’t understand the flirting thing! You have someone that loves you so much; do I not feed your ego enough? You text message constantly with your best friend’s girlfriend, she’s 19! Are you serious? I’ve seen the text and you flirt with her (telling her she’s cute or whatnot) and you tell me she’s your buddy! And when other female friend comes home from out of state in December you want to watch a movie and bring wine and cheese over for the two of you to her parents place, you jokingly called it a date?! Am I being ridiculous at this point?

I just don’t know what to do anymore…

Your Future Maybe Wife

Confession #2729

I miss him so much. I miss his attention and the time we spent talking everyday to each other, we grew so close. I know in my heart we made the right decision and that I had to leave that company because if we stayed in contact something could have happened. We respect our marriages and families too much to have allowed it to happen. It's been 6 months since we have spoken, I am shocked at how much I miss him and how each day I think about him, and sometimes I secretly wish something would have happened that last day when he hugged me goodbye. I wonder if he misses me.

Confession #2730

The other day - when we were getting ready to get out of bed, and you pounced on me - and we play fought and wrestled until we absolutely HAD to get up and get dressed? I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be with a playful man - someone who doesn't growl at me and tell me to knock it off. These are the moments when you entirely seal the deal for me.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

True Wife Confessions 8 - like an octopus

Confession #071

That weekend that I packed all of that stuff and the child and went to visit my mother in 2000? I was leaving you. You just never figured it out. That's when I took your name off the checking accounts? Yeah. Leaving you. With no money.

Confession #072

I am ecstatic when you take off on Fridays nights and I don't have to make dinner and I can hang out and do my own thing, without listening to you bitch

Confession #073

If I work all day and you've played video games all day, and I come home and cook dinner, and you say "leave the dishes, I'll get them" and then they are still in the sink when I start trying to cook breakfast, and you say "I'll do the dishes after breakfast," don't be surprised if I'm slamming around and washing dishes and being curt with you. I can't make your damn breakfast if the pan I need is still dirty and in the sink under a pile of dinner dishes.

Confession #074

You don't have any friends because you are too lazy to keep in contact with them. You are very lazy when it comes to relationships. You prefer to play on-line Poker and work. This isn't my fault that your life is so out of balance. So stop blaming me!

Confession #075

I wish you'd really get your head out of your ass and grow up.

Confession #076

Could you read to your child every once in a while? When did it become the designated mother job to read EVERY night? I like to read, but JESUS - EVERY NIGHT???

Confession #077

Sometimes I fake a stomachache just so I can go hide in the bathroom and read my book or do crossword puzzles. You think I've got indigestion, but all that's really wrong is that I need a break from you. So when you walk by the bathroom and act like it reeks in there, you look like a moron-because all I did was sit in the corner and do my puzzle and then flush the toilet and run the water to make you think I had actually gone to the bathroom.

Confession #078

I know you're scared of the dentist. I would be too if Novocain didn't work. But because you won't go - those back teeth are rotting, and that's why I don't kiss you anymore. It's not because I haven't brushed my teeth yet or any of the other excuses I give you. Go to the dentist, and I'll kiss you again.

Confession #079

Your bizarre need to lock the bathroom door? When have I EVER busted in and watched you use the toilet? Never. I could care less what you are doing.

Confession #080

you suck at being a dad, you never discipline until things have gone far too far and then you lose your cool, if you would put you foot down earlier your life would be easier

Thursday, November 06, 2008

True Wife Confessions 272 red white and blue balloons

Confession #2711

The thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to be happy for the rest of my life when I married your sorry lying ass. What the hell did I get myself into? I can’t believe a damn word you say and I never will. I hope our son doesn’t end up like you. I can’t wait until I can save up enough money, get a better education, and leave you. What satisfaction I will get when you have to go running to your mommy. I will have my cards just right, and you won’t even know what hit you.

Confession #2712

So you have ADD. Is this supposed to take away all the pain you have caused because of your behaviors? I don't know what to do. This last endeavor has cost us about ten thousand dollars so far. We don't' have it, and I can't tell you how behind we are on the bills because you will freak out because you can't comprehend the bill concept. You are so smart, so creative and have lots of love, you just drive my CRAZY!!! I am sooo close to leaving, and now the doc says we need to wait and see how the meds work to get this under control. I have no problem with ADD or any other mental illness. Hell both our boys have them, my issue is the pain and the edgy life we have lived together because of this and now am I supposed to just swallow this and move on??? I just want to be. that's all. Nothing more and nothing else. Just be.
Love Me

Confession #2713

So here we are, 5 years after we separated and divorced, living together again, supposedly giving this another shot.

But there are a couple problems here.

One - your drinking problem is getting worse. Yeah, you haven't drank much this week but I know that once you're feeling better, you will buy more beer and finish off a 12 pack in just a few hours. I've tried to talk to you about it before. You got mad, defensive, and tried to turn it around on me. And then went and drank that whole bottle of vodka just to piss me off. Still think you don't have a drinking problem? I wish you would read those links I sent you and see that you meet several of the early warning signs of alcoholism. After last weekend, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I now have your sisters behind me and a couple of your friends. When I kick your ass out, your family will agree with me. The next time I know that you are going to drive after drinking, I'm going to call the cops on you.

Two - You are depressed. You are dealing with issues from your ex-girlfriend, PTSD, and losing your house. I know your life has not been easy over the past few years. Remember, through it all, I was there by your side, and gave up a potentially great relationship because I felt like I still had to take care of you. I was your friend when everyone else was talking shit about you. I held you at night after some of your drunken rants. I told you over and over again that you're a good man and a great father. But one misworded sentence and all of my praise is null and void. You are depressed and won't admit it, won't seek out help, nothing. Instead you tell an old mutual friend that you hate your life and if it wasn't for the kids, you'd kill yourself. Keep in mind, she chats with me too and has told me this a few times. The last time she told me you said that was this week! So what am I? Chopped liver?

Three - You have shown little or no interest in me over the past few weeks. Your midnight, in your sleep, groping was the most you've touched me last night. You don't want to cuddle with me. You don't want to sleep with me. I rarely get kisses or hugs from you. I'm starving for attention. I'm starving for affection from you. I know you don't like my ex-boyfriend. And you've told me in not so many words "him or me." You basically told me that I cannot be friends with him if I expect things between us to go forward. So I shut him out. The only time I talk to him is in class. Even then, he's too busy being followed by that user blonde, I pretty much avoid him. Sometimes he sends me an IM and the majority of the time, it's related to class. He saw me sitting near my car in the parking lot a couple weeks ago and asked me if I was ok. I about broke down and he held me for a few minutes. He gave me that little bit of comfort I wanted so badly from you. Despite still caring about my ex-boyfriend, I still love you and I want affection from you, not him, not anyone else. And don't use my recent surgrey as an excuse. You barely touched me before that and even less now. It was just a tubal! No stitches even!

And four - I know you're lying to me or at least keeping things from me. You signed back up on myspace a week or so ago but have not added any of your friends. You have just one lone chick on there that I don't recognize. I've peeked at your internet history and saw the searches on craigslist for casual encounters and erotic services locally and in the city you will be in for training. I wish I knew your passwords. I want to know if you contacted any of these people.

When the time is right, you're outta here. I know I need your help with the house but know what? I don't deserve your treatment. I will give up my house and move back in with my parents if need to be. You do not realize how much I do for you and how much I am there for you and yet you treat me like this. If you cannot change, I can only change my reaction and I'll be changing it to bitchy and kicking you out. I deserve better than this.

Confession #2714

You are my best friend and I will always love you. But for myself, I'll be fucking him this weekend. I need to feel alive, appreciated, sexy, wanted... all the things I haven't felt in so many years. He makes me feel incredible and I can't resist him anymore. You have no idea and will probably never know. It would shock you to your core to find out who I am sleeping with. Never in a million years when you pass him and say hello could you imagine what I've been doing with him right under your nose. You take me for granted everyday and I am completely overwhelmed by my responsibilities. Its not fair. So I am taking a little bit for myself, because you only live once.

Confession #2715

I have spent the better part of the past 5 years trying to get us back together. I've cheated on a boyfriend with you. I've called off a wedding for you. Finally, we started spending more time together. Finally you said, there gotta be a reason why we keep coming back together despite everything. You admitted to still caring, still having feelings, but never came out and said that you still love me. I have been very open and honest with you about my feelings. Now we are living together again, mostly because you needed a place to live, but also because you said, "let's see if we can make this work again." I was over the moon happy and was excited to be with you and wanted to make an effort to make it work. I tried my hardest to show you that I care, that I want you, etc. I tried to tell you, show you, and drop hints of how you could make an effort to show me that you wanted this too. You have not done much. Ok, sure, you clean up around the house sometimes. You would buy me my favorite drink sometimes. You take care of my car. But I swear, the cat gets more love from you than I do! The freaking CAT!!

At the last wedding I shot, I got to talking to one of the groomsmen. We knew some of the same people.. When the reception died down and there wasn't a need for me and my camera, we walked the grounds and talked a little. He kept putting his hand on the small of my back, offered me a helping hand to make sure I didn't trip over the stairs when there wasn't much light, and at one point, kept holding onto my hand even though we were on a well-lit sidewalk. Let me tell ya, that attention was so much more than you had given me over the past month. I don't expect you to be all up in my face but damn, I would like it if you came up to me and just gave me a little kiss. Instead I have to ask you for one. I'm starving for attention. I won't cheat on you but damn it.... the thought is there. A guy is paying attention to me. He touched me and none of it was sexual and I felt more attractive and desired in that short hour than I have with you all month. If things don't change between us, I'm kicking you out. I deserve to be loved and desired. And hon, you're not giving me that. Aside from being a roommate that's helping with the mortage, you're not much of anything and it hurts like hell.

Confession #2716

You shriek every day and it is so incredibly annoying. You come home looking like a normal guy, and you spend the next two hours shrieking a high-pitched "agh! ack!" and yelling made-up nonsense words. You intermittently make boring small talk. I try to start a real conversation, and when that fails I tune the noise out and focus on a book or a task, figuring "freedom of expression." But instead of appreciating that I don't tell you to stop it, you follow me and say, "You're mad at me. Why are you mad at me? Don't you like those words? Why are you being distant? You're not fun. I wish my wife was fun." I am a really playful person, and sometimes I try to join in with you making nonsense noises. But every single day? It's like you do it to bother me. And when I do get mad, you're still not satisfied, and we end up in a fight. It's fucking ridiculous. I want you to come home and talk to me like an adult about art or our families or work or travel. The gibberish makes my skin crawl, it makes me insane, it makes me dislike you, it makes me not want sex, it makes me question choosing you as a husband. Most of the time I am really really happy with you. But if I tell you this is bothering me, you will likely pout and act wholly rejected and even threaten to end our relationship. I am considering seeing a counselor about it. That's how much it bothers me. Please, fucking shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!

Confession #2717

I know I said I didn't have an issue with you playing your video games like your ex did. That was before I learned how cranky they make you.

Confession #2718

So last night as I sleep on the couch, after you thoughtlessly decided to wake me up for no good reason, I got to thinking, remembering, and then wondering. What am I doing? Maybe you were right...maybe marriage was a step we shouldn't have taken. Another check mark for you to enter into your "book".

I'm not sure about you but I used to be happy, content, and at least feel beautiful. We used to be attracted to each other and it showed, we used to like each other. We couldn't go to sleep without telling each other goodnight, we couldn't shower alone, we could just sit there and watch a movie and not say a word and it was the most comfortable place in the world.

Now I feel like I've done it again...I've fucked things up and I feel like I'm stuck in a marriage with no closeness, no bond, no comfort. The days of not being able to keep our hands off each other have turned into nothing more than dutiful, passionless, quick, dry kisses. We don't sleep together. We have sex whenever YOU want and I'm left...well wanting something else, someone else..something more, and feeling empty.

I no longer melt when I see you...I still long for you, I still wonder if there's hope...but then I realize that I don't care as much as I should. I wish you would cheat on me...give me an out so that my kids won't hate me. If you did I would never know, I'm to the point I don't care to pay close enough attention to see when or if it happens. I now have a marriage of convenience.

I said my vows...I said I would cherish and honor you, encourage and inspire you...and you haven't held up your end of that deal while I've busted my ass to do my part. I meant every word. My rings feel heavy on my hand, like they're made of hot lead, like they're not supposed to be there. I will stay because the kids are adjusted and I can't do that to them again but I just wanted to say that I'm not happy...and eventually it will show. I know you have seen it...and I know you just don't care.

Confession #2719

I told my therapist that I was planning to leave you. The therapist told me that maybe you would change if you knew I was thinking of leaving. What? I asked if in the previous 20 years you hadn't changed - and I had asked for affection, pleaded for foreplay, closeness, togetherness - ANYTHING - what would suddenly make you change now? I haven't kept these things secret from you.

The therapist suggested that they believed everyone could change. I think it may be time for me to get a new therapist, because that is shitty advice.

Confession #2720

How do I know it is Love? Because when I say I don't feel good, you inquire as to my pooping.
When I looked horrified that you are asking me about my pooping and confess that "pooping talk" is making me uncomfortable, you respond that you have licked and kissed me in places that no other human has touched. And I that I need to get over the Pooping talk issue. All of this makes me laugh.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

True Wife Confessions 7 - Deep Dark Edition

Confession #061

I think I might be in love with another man. I think I might be planning to leave you for him, but not yet.

Confession #062

I want to continue marriage counseling because a week leading up to the appointments, you are usually on your best behavior. When we don't have an upcoming session, you get lazy.

Confession #063

Recently I met a man who I could tell was sort of "into" me. I got the feeling that if I wanted to, I could have had an affair with him. I was very tempted for the first time in our marriage because I'm lonely and have been for years. You pay more attention to your work and on-line poker games than to me.

Confession #064

Just because I grew up in a family of lawyers doesn't mean I'm good at fighting with our builder to fix our leak problems with our house. I know you don't like the sales lady, but we're not dealing with her anymore. You want to fight with them to get them to replace the drywall instead of just patching it, YOU call them. YOU tell them about your allergies when you're not even sure there IS mold from the leak and then YOU argue with them when they play dumb. I can breathe just fine. YOU can deal with their lackadaisical attitude about replacing the drywall versus patching. I'm going to take a nap.

Confession #065

For several months after you proposed, I kept a boyfriend on the side- for the sex. He knew all about you, but I was pretty sure you weren't sincere about the whole getting married thing, so I saw him during the week and you on weekends. I saw him for the last time on the night before I moved in with you.

Confession #066

For a two month span in 2001, I went off my birth control pills without your knowledge or consent. I also poked holes in the condoms with needles.

Confession #067

This morning, when you were pawing me while you thought I was sleeping, I really wasn'’t sleeping. I kept my eyes closed in hopes that you would leave me the hell alone since it had only been FOUR HOURS since I went to bed. Despite what the Letters to Penthouse say, I do not get instantly aroused just because you are pinching my poor, still-sleeping nipples. So when you said those seven words that you must have thought would make me want to instantly have hot porn sex with you, I pretended to wake up confused about what was happening. Because honey, asking "could I get a quickie before work?"” is almost guaranteed to NEVER get you even the teeniest bit of cooperation from me. Asshole.

Confession #068

If I am committing to having sex with you, I expect it to be a mutually satisfying experience. I do not want you to "catch me later", or "owe me one". In fact, the whole "blow job embargo" could be lifted, if only you would abide by this rule of thumb. I don't dislike giving blow jobs, I only pretended to not like it since you were doing such a shitty job from your end....

Confession #069

sometimes you fall into the very descriptive metaphor: You are a gardener who wants to put his tool in the shed before doing any yard work.

Confession #070

After sex, your need to jump up and wash is disturbing. I mean, having some semen on you? Doesn't make you gay. It's YOURS. You've filled me with the shit on more than one occasion. Deal with it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

True Wife Confessions 271 Zenobia

Confession #2701

When the cat jumped onto your lap and landed really hard on your balls, I was secretly thanking her for doing what I have wanted to do for weeks.

Confession #2702

I am so in love with you, but you don't love me back. I should just try to forget you and move on, but I can't. I want you. You and only you, forever. I can't even imagine ever being with another man because I love you so much. You are my everything. You are the one I call before I fall asleep and the first person I talk to when I wake up. I know we could have such a wonderful life together. I love just watching you sleep. You don't know this, but whenever you fall asleep when I'm around, I try not to let myself sleep. Because I just want to stay awake to watch you sleeping. I usually put my arm around you and kiss you softly and tell you that I love you. And sometimes I cry. I cry because I want to be able to do that when you are awake, but I can't. The mornings I wake up next to you are the happiest mornings of my life. You are so incredibly sexy and you turn me on so much. I know the sex I had with you was the best I'll ever have. But sometimes, I wish it had never happened because I just want more. Do you know what I would give for you to fuck me again? I want you so bad. And it hurts me so much to see you with that other girl. That girl that you can't possible love. I swear, she is the ugliest human being I have ever seen in my life. I don't know what you see in her. She won't even move to Florida with you! I would move with you in a heartbeat. The day you showed me the engagement ring you want to get her, I thought about killing myself later that night because I don't know what I am going to do without you. I am glad that she lives far away so that you spend all your time with me instead of her. But I hate it when you talk to her on the phone when you're around me. Because I'm in love with you. I'm the one that's always there for you and knows all your secrets. I'm the one that does everything for you and sacrifices for you like crazy. You know all my passwords and have access to my bank account. My bank account that I so freely share with you. My biggest secret is that I really wish she was dead. I want her to be dead so that maybe you'll spend forever with me. I want to spend forever with you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I wish I could just kill her myself sometimes. Please don't decide to marry her. Please. We are so happy when we are together. When you touch me, even the simplest hug or tap on the shoulder, sends chills up my spine. You're all I ever think about. When I tried to have sex with someone else to stop myself from thinking about you, I started crying. Crying because I just wanted it to be you. You are all I'll ever want. The only thing that keeps me going on is convincing myself that one day you will see that we were meant to be together and love me. Love me as passionately and deeply as I love, and always will love you.

Confession #2703

So now I'm getting emails from flight attendants telling me what a dog you are on trips. Nice, really nice. It's not enough that I stumble upon your misdeeds myself, now I have to listen to your co-workers snickering about what a fool I am. And what do you say when I show the emails and text messages to you? DENY & DEFLECT like always. God how I wish I'd never gotten myself into the position I'm in today; completely dependent on you for every dollar, and everything else. I've really screwed myself ... and you're out screwing everything else. I hope you're ready for the karma that awaits you, cause you're gonna get a whole Goddamned airplane full Mr. Airline Pilot.

Confession #2704

For the past two years I have thought about no other man except you. Sure there have been some men in between but nothing ever lasts and no man has ever made an impression like you have. I haven't seen you or spoken to you in a few months actually. So you would think that by this time I would have gotten over it. The funny thing is that we were never together like that. And I hate not knowing if that was all my fault or if you were never really interested. You had no idea how much I like you or how much I wanted to be with you...I was too scared...scared of my friends knowing...scared that it would all blow up in my face if I showed too much emotion. And now look at where i'm at. I'm here two years later wondering what if... I know you have a girlfriend now. I wonder if your happy or if you ever think about me. I wonder how I would react if I ever saw you with your girlfriend. I'm afraid it might be devastating to me. You actually called me about two weeks ago...i'm not sure where exactly that came from. I asked you to call me some time and you basically disappeared. I want to move on and not think about you. I hope your happy and I just wished I could be happy too...I always think in the back of my mind somehow someway maybe we would end up together. If that opportunity came about I wouldn't let it pass me up.

Confession #2705

I'm angry at you for not taking care of your health. You are turning into your father. He was always skeptical of doctors and played the "strong and stoic" role his entire life. He never saw a cardiologist despite everyone's urging. He had already suffered at least one silent heart attack before he finally would admit that he was sick, then had a mini-stroke on the operating table when he was undergoing a bypass for his clogged arteries. He ended up being partially paralyzed and never recovered his health; some months later, he suffered another heart attack that finished him off. Only he didn't die right away. He suffered brain damage, never woke up, and we had to sit around the hospital watching him die.

I AM TERRIFIED THAT YOU WILL END UP LIKE HIM. You are following in his footsteps. I do not want to come home one day and find you dead on the floor. I've asked you again and again to see the doctor. I've made appointments for you and dragged you there, and made you tell the doctor about everything that was bothering you. You didn't want me to come with you the last time around, so of course nothing was done. You suffer from sleep apnea, but don't schedule a sleep study. You continue to be sedentary and stuff yourself with food. You complain about allergies, but never make an appointment to see an allergist. You are susceptible to migraines, but have not discussed this with your doctor. Your health is making you miserable, but you never do a goddamned thing about it unless I make you.

I am tired of being your mommy and dragging you to the doctor. I want you to take responsibility for your health and take better care of yourself. It isn't rocket science. I do it for myself AND the kids; I don't understand why it's so hard for you.

I want our sons to know you as the happy, energetic man I married. I do not want them to have to sit by your bedside in the hospital and watch you fade away into your final slumber. How could you possibly want to put them through that ordeal when it was so painful for you to watch your own father die?

I love you and don't want to lose you before it's time for you to go. And I'm frustrated because you could be happier if you just took better care of your body. And I'm angry at you because I am selfish and want you with me for a long time, but you don't seem to think this is important.

Confession #2706

I don't love you. I did once, but you wore me out with your excesses - too much drink, too much smoking, too much sex - never stopping when I asked you to, always wanting more. You kept none of your promises to me, I suspect that you have cheated on me many times, but somehow I don't care. We haven't had sex for years and you don't turn me on. In fact, no one does. Isn't that sad. I don't have love in my life, I don't have sex in my life. My confidence levels are so low that I cannot imagine anyone wanting me - you certainly don't, except to keep a roof over your head.
Yes, I have a great home (which I paid for), a great job (for which I bust my a**) and good friends. I know that you are totally dependent on me, both financially and emotionally and I don't know what you would do if I were to leave you. You'd probably end up in the gutter, and I guess I can't let that happen. But if you were to die tomorrow, it wouldn't be the end of my world. I'd be sad for a while - bad habits die hard - but I'd get over it and move on. Maybe that would give me the space in my head and heart to look for someone else. I just don't want to grow old with you.

Confession #2707

Wow, its been over twenty years and still it hurts. I have found out in the last 4 days that I can handle the judgements of people I don't know, but to hear those words come from you, they were devestating. The choices i made over 20 years ago, they are my choices, and I will deal with them when the time comes.

You were my "safe" place, my best friend, my lover, my soulmate.

You've taken away my safe place, my "home". My "home" has always been when you are. We are married to other people, we have both decided that we would handle all the problems that come with that, and so far after over 9 years, we have doen great.

You are the "Husband of my Heart". You always were, even before we made the choices that we are living with now.

The unexpected betrayal that you so carelessly just "threw" out there has changed everything, the way I look at myself, the way I look at you. You so carelessly just abused the trust I had in you.

Confession #2708

Someone pinch me. This can't be real. You are back in my life after a long time.
You are not married anymore. It is what I always wanted.
I am the one that is married now.
What am I gonna do?

Confession #2709

You gave me the best orgasm of my life last night - missionary style, too! I
can't remember feeling that connected to your body in a while.

I'm sorry you're not a father yet. We'll get there, and you'll be the best ever.

Confession #2710

My Dear Love,

Do you love me the way I love you?
Have you ever?
Will the fear of you leaving me again ever really, truly go away?
Will our marriage make it?
Will you ever appreciate me the way I appreciate you?
Do you look at me the way I look at you and I'm just too insecure to realize it?
Are you right when you say we are just "too different"?
Will you ever become what you were before?
If you do, will I finally have the strength to leave you?
Will you ever see me?
Do you and I just don't know?
Will you ever comfort me the way I wish you would?
Is it okay that you don't?
Am I expecting too much?
Will it just take time?
I can wait.
I want to wait.
I love you.

Do we have it better than most?
Should I just be grateful?
I am.
But is it okay to want more?
Am I being too much?
Is it really me?

Will you ever be proud of me the way I'm proud of you?
Will I ever be what you want me to be?
Will I ever be what I know I can be?
Will the spotlight on you ever shift over to me?
If it does, will you be able to handle it?
If it does, will I still want you?
I'm scared I won't.
What if I won't?
What will we do?
Will you appreciate me then?
Will you see me then?
Will you tell me everything I've been wanting to hear?
Will you beg for me?
Is it weird that I would want you to?
Will it be too late?
I hope not.
I don't want it to be.
I love you.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Envisage 365

Someone of you may recall a post this summer calling for participants in a photo project chronicling the lives of women - one picture a day, every day.

Some of you answered that call for participants, including yours truly.

We are now 47 days into this project.

The images and insights into the lives of women across the country and world are simply amazing.
I spend a large chunk of time every day looking at these photos and pondering the intimate details of other womens worlds - not unlike the time I spend reading the confessions that are sent.

I would invite you to look too - you may find yourself reflected in the photos of this group of phenomenal group of women.

Monday, October 13, 2008

True Wife Confessions 270 Electoral Votes

Confession #2691

As crazy as it sounds, for the past 13 years I have felt somewhat uncomfortable around you. Looking back on it, I now know that we were never soulmates. You have always been angry, defensive, paranoid and negative. For years I thought you were right and I was wrong. I would make friends at "mommy and me" groups and you would tell me not to bring mommy friends home or not to go to their homes because they could be possible kidnappers. "Of course," I would think. How could I let my guard down and befriend a complete stranger? No matter that she had one or more babies of her own and had bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep and wouldn't possibly want or have the energy to kidnap another baby. You made me feel like a bad mother for making friends. Now, I realize that I am not the bad or crazy mother. You are crazy. You have many, many emotional issues leftover from your crappy childhood, and I have run out of patience with them. I love people. I love being social. I love to laugh. I love to think the best of people. You do none of these things. There isn't one thing in your life that I can see that brings you any joy whatsoever. Not your 6-figure salary, your cute home, pretty wife, or not even your two perfect, beautiful boys. One day, when the boys are old enough to be fed up with your negativity too, I will leave. We will all leave, and then you can have the isolation you so desire.

Confession #2692

I really thought that after a year of us being apart that I would have moved past you, past hoping that we will get back together but I haven't. I think about you everyday still. I want nothing but you to be happy, and I know that you aren't. I don't understand why you felt so obligated to get back together with her after what she did to you during your marriage. She only wanted you back because you were moving on and she was afraid that the free money would stop. How can you be so blind to not see this?? Everyone else has seen what she is doing to you, doing to your family. You don't speak to your sister anymore because of your girlfriend. Your mother had to choose between being my friend or not because it hurts her feelings. WTF??? After all the pain she has put you through over the past 12 years you still went back.

I don't know honestly if I will ever get over you. You are such a wonderful, caring, honest man who deserves the best. Instead you are working two jobs to support a lazy, unkind, nasty woman who only keeps you around because you make money and give it to her.

I will always love you...even though I have tried to move on.

Confession #2693

I am so head over heals in love with you it hurts sometimes. But why is it you never invite me to your house? Why is it you only come to mine? My gut tells me you're not hiding anything, but still, I have to wonder what the hell your reasons are. I've mentioned it to you a couple of times, but your responses were extremely vague and not much help.

This drives me crazy at times. I know I can't say anything more to you, because I know you'll just dig your heels in even further. You're a very private man and perhaps you just need to continue to protect your space for whatever reason. You're a very self-confident man, too, so perhaps you just don't need to include me in all aspects of your life the way I want to include you in mine. I don't know.

So I silently stew about it. Thank goodness I can at least vent here. It helps. At least someone is aware of my frustration.

Confession #2694

Today is my 3-year anniversary and I came home from work to find my husband drunk (he was home all day)...yeah me...happy anniversary! You think he could wait until 5:00 pm to start drinking on our anniversary, like most decent drunks. I can't wait to leave him.

Confession #2695

Why is it that when I ask you questions like, "why do you have scratches on your back" or "why were you online at a hotel for 4+ hours when we have a computer here, a company laptop & you were supposed to be at work!" You tell me I'm just crazy! You want me to tell you where these scratches came from & that the receipt for your computer time at the Holiday Inn belonged to your friend (yeah, & he convieniently put it in the compartment in your car. And, why is that you are still holding onto your photo albums of your ex-girlfriends, especially "V". You know that I hate her & what she did to you & I've never hated anyone in my life. You told me you'd get rid of them when we 1st got married then I found them when I thought you've been cheating on me. They were hidden under a drawer in your dresser. You told me you'd NEVER get rid of them no matter how much it hurts me. It doesn't seem to bother you at all that having all of the evidence of your past with her is here in OUR HOME. I know she killed your babies even after you told her you'd stay with her but that's why I hate her & I know you'll never get over her. I just wish you'd get it through your damn head that I'm not as stupid as you think I am. If something is going on, just have the balls enough to tell me. It makes no sense to lie in order to save my feelings from the truth. Just be a man & tell me what the hell is going on with you. BTW, if we keep having these dumb ass fights over "well, you're pissed so now I'm pissed." I'm gonna snap & shred all of those pics of your "awesome" exgirlfriend, baby killer.

Confession #2696

This is the second time I've left you, you've been completely wonderful to me. Your love for me seems truer than the movies but it was suffocating. Your love for me is so naive and romantic I can't help but feel like I have to revolve my life around it for you. We've never been on the same page...infact we've never been in the same book. All I end up doing is hurt you and the one left crying is always you. I can't do it anymore this is why I left. I'm not the only woman you'll ever love. I know there will be someone who will give you what you are looking for. The only thing that scares me is that you'll never look at another woman. I'm scared that through all that has happened between us you will still simply sit there hoping that I will come back even as a friend. I hope that someday and someday soon that you will open your heart to someone, someone who will make you happier than I ever could. I hope you find happiness *blank* because to me you are amazing.

-always tearfully thinking of you

Confession #2697

I wish I had married your brother instead of you. Your inabiilty to groom yourself disgusts me and having sex with you kinda makes me want to vomit. Perhaps this is the result of 7 years of inattention or your inability to recognize what makes me happy compounded into one giant rant, perhaps it's just the truth.
Your inability to find happiness in the smallest things in life (a sunset, the moon, the stars, a breezy summer day, etc.) makes me want to sleep with your artist friend who really appreciates everything intangible about life (even though he's sort of gross). Moments make up our lives and my moments with you are BORING. Why I married you I have no idea...
If we weren't married, we wouldn't be friends as we have nothing in common. Living with you sucks the joy out of my soul.
I dont' want it to be this way. You are a good man but we just aren't good together.

Confession #2698

Just wanted to say thank you for providing a safe space for us to let
out all of the bad, sad, mad, mean and crazy thoughts that are in our
heads and hearts. I have sent several confessions in the past two
years (about 3 different men - does that tell you the state of turmoil
in my life?) and the simple act of making the thoughts concrete and
visible and having a safe place to send them, a place where no one
judges and where someone might actually understand, is liberating.
After having written each of my confessions I was able to step back
and look at things more clearly, more realistically. In one case,
confessing helped me end a relationship that I wondered why I stayed
in for 21 years. In a more recent confession, I realized that I was
being whiny and insecure and actually had the power to speak up and
maybe change things. Confessing enabled me to speak up and communicate
with my partner and the situation became a non-situation, just a
little part of couple-hood that needed to be worked out. I know this
doesn't happen for every woman who writes to you but I am hoping that
it happens for others besides myself. By gving us a safe space you are
letting us find our voices and and the power we have. Thank you.

Confession #2699

I hate the fact that you still want to see your ex-girlfriend 18 years after you broke up. I don't care if her mom and your mom are friends, I hate the fact that you want me to be friendly with her, too. I married her damn leftovers!!! I have a past too, but I never made you face any of them

Confession #2700

Thank you for holding me when I cried this week. I don't need you to fix it, I just need to know that you are there and supporting me. That is worth more to me than roses or gifts or anything else you could do. Listening to me makes you sexy to me, and while I wouldn't say that our sex life ever depends on what you do for me, I can sure as hell tell you that when you listen to me - kiss away my tears and hold me? It makes me want to celebrate you as the man I adore. I just may pull you into a bathroom at your work and show you!

Monday, October 06, 2008

True Wife Confessions 269 Hawkmoon

Confession #2681

Our anniversary is coming up.
I am expecting this to be better, WAY BETTER, than last year.
I am not a hard woman to please and you know that.
I want this day to feel as special as it did the day we got married.
I want you to to fuck me hard and play dirty...more than once in a 24 hr period.
I love you with ever ounce of my being.

Confession #2682

We decided the best thing for us right now is to get divorced...I am so upset that you still act like I should do stuff for u and be nice to u...U weren't nice when ur mother kicked me and ur child out...u weren't nice when your mother belittle me in front of u...U say that u want to help me and ur child find a place to live and that u want to give me money to care for ur child, but i think it is a crock of SHIT!!! u couldnt care for us when we were married...u couldn't be the man u say ur going to be...y should I believe u when u make all of these promises to me??u made those promises when we got married and u never fulfilled them...I want so badly to keep a good relationship with u for the sake of our child but u r starting to be a royal pain in my ass!!!I am so sick of u pretending like everything is fine...I AM NOT FINE!!!I AM HURT AND SHOCKED!!!No I don't cry every night and I'm not in total depression, but I am still hurt!! I am so sick of listening to u!!!!Even when we were married I felt like a single mom...I did and still do do everything for our child!!!No wonder she doesn't ask for u every day...She is use to u not being around...Please stop trying to be my husband now, it is too late for that...I am no longer going to give in to u...I am not ur property anymore!!!Don't think that u can come around when ever u want either...U have to decide if u r still going to be in our child's life or not...I am trying so hard to keep strong and not break down...I know I can do this without u because our whole marriage I was doing it with out u!!I think u better get it together!!!Maybe u need to reasserts the situation!!It is over and will never work as long as ur mother is involved and u cant be a real man and take care of us like we deserve...SIGN THE PAPERS ALREADY!!

Confession #2683

Sweetheart, you are wonderful and special in so many ways. You are
gentle, affectionate (greatly so!), playful, attentive and clued into
"me". You help with the dishes, the laundry, the housework. You buy
groceries. You rub my feet and let me put my head in your lap while we
watch TV. You are just about the best thing that's happened to me in
my life. I am very lucky. I just wish we had sex more often. Yes, you
are 15 years older than me (62 to my 47), three years out from a heart
attack and taking medication for high blood pressure. And sometimes
things just don't work they way you want them to. (And yes, you take
Viagra when you need to.....which isn't all the time.) I understand
all that. Sex with you is awesome. Really. It's just that once a week
isn't enough. Yes, I know there are women out there who would be
grateful for even that. But it's not enough for me. You say that if
everything were working you would like to have sex 2-3 times a week.
That's great. I would like that too. Hell, sometimes I would like it
twice a day every day. I know that's unrealistic (but we have managed
it a few times). And I feel so awkward talking about all of this to
you. That's what the real problem is. I feel like I don't have a right
to say anything. I am afraid that you will think I am a sex maniac or
a slut or never satisfied. That's not true. I really do enjoy
sex....especially with you. I just can't talk about it with you so I
cry. I cry if you look at me because I can't tell you what I'm feeling
or thinking or needing. I'm afraid I will hurt your feelings and you
will feel inadequate. So I swallow the problem and I cry and I get
quiet and sort of "remove" myself. And every night we go to bed and I
wish, I hope that you will make love to me. And you don't and I'm
disappointed and I wake up in the morning distant and crying. It's not
good. It's not healthy. And I don't know how to make it different or
better or not hurt so much. I wish I knew how other couples manage
this difference in drives. I wish I knew how they talked about it. I
wish I didn't like sex so much. Maybe there really is something wrong
with me.

Confession #2684

You killed "dinner time" for me. I remember those days, when my dad enforced that we had to be on dining table to get dinner or else we wouldn't get any. It was annoying at first. But in my late teen years I realized the importance of "family time". We still share the same family time whenever we get together. But "we" never had the dinner time. We never had "we" time. You killed it for me. For last 2 years I have had dinner by myself. BY MYSELF. I tried to cope up with you, followed what you said but eventually I give up.

We had arrange marriage so differences in our lifestyle was bound to be there. I am used to having dinner at 7 and you have dinner at 11. Do we have any common ground - NONE. In our initial days, I called you nonstop in office trying to convince you to come home - maybe because I was hungry or maybe because I was lonely. You have long work hours. We never discussed the timings, we just fought over them. There were times, I would call you at 8 and you said you would leave office in 15 mins. I would calculate that by 9 we would have dinner together. At 9.15, i would call you - off course full with anger. I would invariably find you again in office, and you argued that work consumes you, leaving you with no bandwidth for anything else. It was hard for me to believe that someone can get so engrossed in work that they forget about their family. But I guess I started believing in you. In between some of our fights we agreed on -
1. the one who is at home will have the responsibility to call the one who is outside to get the update on timing - as this is what your mom did and you were used to that "routine". However, I didn't agree as in my family - the one who was missing the deadline was suppose to call.
2. I shouldn't wait for you to join me for dinner as you couldn't predict your work.

I don't think i voluntarily agreed to these conditions, but did I had a choice ? Two years later, we are separated. I m not surprised. The husband and wife who don't even have time for each other for dinner - do you think they would have survived bigger conflict ? Ha!

Confession #2685

I can't stand being in the same room as you. Yes, it's gotten that bad and it's never going to get any better. You are too selfish, period. You should've never gotten married and you should never have had kids. I kind of knew what I was getting into when I married you but the poor kids sure didn't ask for you as a parent. Someone who thinks that paying the bills is the only responsibility towards them. Oh, I forgot to throw in the obligatory 30 second conversation you try to have with them, doesn't work and won't in the future. I've told you so many times that they just want to spend time with you, do things with you. You don't have to do some big production, it's not what they want. But, you are too busy with work, the gym, everything else under the sun other than your wife and family. And, no the excuse that you are doing this for all of us is BS. You are doing these things because you want to, not because they benefit the family. You're salaried, newsflash, working 12+ hr days 5 days a week plus working on the weekends doesn't get you more money, no comp time and only gets ridicule from your boss. Nice to know that they appreciate you, huh??

What's really sad is that I really didn't want that much from you. I'm sure that that's part of the problem, that I let you get away with basically giving me nothing (after all, paying the bills is all you think you have to do) and as you got older, you got more selfish, so you gave me even less, which was and still is pathetic. I used to do so much for you, so very much and was very happy to do it, as I loved you. But, the more you showed me that you didn't appreciate what I did, criticized other things that I did, the more you acted like I was a burden in your life and not someone you loved (you don't even act like you like me, much less love me), the less I did for you and the more I concentrated on the kids and myself. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when a wife can tell a husband what they really need (and it not even being that much) and the husband just won't do it. Pretty sad.

What's sad is that I think that you truly believe that your only responsibility to our family is to pay the bills. Well, that's all we need from you. You've shown us that you're not willing to do anything else and while it's sad, you're not missed when we're doing things together. The kids will end up losing, as they do need a dad in their life, even one who's not much of a dad. I guess you fit that bill, as you can't be bothered most of the time to even talk to your kids. The TV and computer are way more important then they are.

I bet you never thought you'd end up like your Dad, did yo? You are turning into your dad and it makes me want to vomit when your voice sounds just like his. You act like him and your mannerisms are like his were. The sad thing, is that your dad was actually a pretty good dad to you until his problems started and that's when it started going downhill. You've NEVER been a good dad and you don't have the problems your dad did. What's your excuse? Oh, I forgot, you're doing this for us. Right....


Bitter, Party of One

Confession #2686

If you don’t make up your mind soon, I’m going to have sex with him.

Confession #2687

I've been with you since I was 17 and love you so much. You're my friend but I've violated our friendship, and our vows. I told you that I wasn't being satisfied. I told you I wanted more passion, more sex, more intimacy. My sex drive has shot thru the roof and yours seems to be waning. You're not responding. You're not hearing me. You don't touch me during the day and barely look me in my eyes when I get home from work but you still want that midnight quickie. I understand the stress, the bills, the kids but you can't neglect me like that. I tried to tell you, touch you, hold you but you say "not now, we've gotta do this...", "hold on, wait...", "the kids..." Yeah I can understand putting me off once or twice but every time? Then when we finally get to bed you're sleep? Or you give me 3 minutes of your time? I'm so frustrated. I just want you to desire me, make me feel sexy, look at me like you want to take me right then and there, desire me. Don't let loose so quickly - enjoy the intimacy. I tried to tell you but you didn't respond. You kept pushing me away so I decided I was going to get it from someone else, someone who is the opposite of you. Someone tall, white and athletic. I searched for it and I found it. I had the opportunity and although hesitant, took it. He was amazing. He gave me those same chills that I felt many years ago from you. He did things to me that made me feel desirable again. He acknowledged my beauty. He looked me in the eyes with is beautiful blue eyes and made me feel so sexy. He took control and lasted and didn't climax until I was satisfied. It was unbelievably amazing. But what have I done? I never in a million years would have thought I would do that to you. People idolized us as having the perfect marriage but what's going to happen now? How do I stop? I never meant to hurt you. It was a selfish decision, but why do I want more?? What is wrong with me?? I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. God help me.

Confession #2688

Now the therapist says I need to NOT talk about the effects of your indiscretion on me and our marriage because you wont' hear me and it will only get ugly between us. Well, it is ugly now and I am not the one who went outside the marriage you are and I am not the one who ended up arrested and had huge fines to pay, but I am paying, too. This has cost alot of money, and emotions for us. I can't stand you right now and you just want to get closer. I want to talk about it and I can't because it won't good for you. You know what, here's my big middle finger to you. I can't get the thought of you and someone else out of my head and I am supposed to not talk about it because you have a disorder???? When does it get better? I am tired of the worse and sickness part for our vows. I think I need a break. Oh right, that won't help your recovery. Why??? ruin a good thing? Just once I want to come here with a good thought and post.

Confession #2689

Just under 10 years I have been by your side. I tolerated and forgave you when you would ignore my phone calls for weeks on end - when I was parked outside your house staring at you sitting there ignoring the ringing phone. I loved you and refrained from pressuring you as all my friends got married and had children. I put up with a string of asshole roommates. You lied to me saying I was the only one you have had unprotected sex. All of these things and more were acceptable because you were an amazing man and I treated you like shit.

But, you do this to me... you fuck a whore...twice. You leave the condom wrapper in the trash I empty. You don't wash the sheets and have sex with me on them. You, the one that no one would ever think would cheat.

So, lately I don't want to go anywhere near your family and I don't want you anywhere near mine. Everyone thinks you are so perfect, that I am so lucky to have you, that you are a great man... and I just want to scream. Well, really I want to tell them exactly what you did and let the pieces fall where they may. Their perfect son paying for sex when I am out of town...

So, I keep the condom wrapper in my memory box that I have had since I was 13. It is there to remind me like the dried flowers, cards, newspaper articles remind me of all the other momentous occasions in my life. And I'm back to the gym. After I lose the 30pds if you are still up to this, or if you are still watching porn when I am in the other room I am going to start fucking anyone that looks good to me. Keep it up asshole and this is how the next 50 years are going to go.

And that damn Taylor Swift song keeps playing in my mind it is making it hard to forgive/forget:

And I should've been there, in the back of your mind

Confession #2690

This relationship with you is clearly the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I have to confess -- I'm terrified that you'll leave if I'm anything less than perfect for you. I try so hard every day, but it's wearing on me big time. I'm not perfect. I need for you to accept me as I am. I can't keep up the false front anymore.