Tuesday, December 29, 2009

True Wife Confessions 23 Mathematical problems of David Hilbert

Confession #221

You are not my husband. I think you were supposed to be, though. The more I desire you, the more I think about luring you from your wife and family, the more you resist. I find that to be wildly attractive and loyal because I know you want to as much as I do. If you had just slept with me, I would have left you behind. Your committment to them makes me love you more. I will wait for you as long as I need to.

Confession #222

I pretend to like that we were romantic and eloped out of the blue, but I resent that you didn't get me an engagement ring.

Confession #223

Honey, when you are heading to bed late at night, how many times do I
have to tell you to leave the door to the bathroom open so that the
cats can get to the litter box? And if you do shut the door, don't
bitch the next morning if the cat has taken a shit on the carpet.
when you gotta go... you gotta go!!! and then telling me to clean it
up because it "my cat"? you're lucky I don't put the shit in your
loafers you bastard.

Confession #224

I LOVE it when you have to go on business trips
because that's when I throw away all your crappy
stupid possessions that you insist on hanging on to --
despite that fact that I'm required to maintain them,
clean them and step over them in our teeny tiny house.
You want to know where all your junk went? Goodwill,
baby! Goodwill.

Confession #225

I hate that you drink so much. Watching it makes me sick. While I recognize it's YOUR problem, it is sucking the life out of me. With every drink you take, I fall more out of love with you. Just because you can get up and go to work doesn't mean I don't see it for the problem it is.
I am starting to hate you.

Confession #226

I am no longer with you out of love, respect, admiration, or even friendship. I only stay with you out of a sense of obligation. I no longer daydream of making love to you on the beach. Now, I daydream about you telling me you have found someone else and you are moving out. That dream makes me giddy with happiness.

Confession #227

I don't trust you.
And you don't care.

Confession #228

When I ask you to do something please, no wait strike the please... JUST DO IT. I'm not your housekeeper, laundry washer, and personal chef. When I have to ask you 2 or 3 times and I get that stupid salute you think is funny I want to kick you in your ONE BALL.

Confession #229

Sometimes I am in awe of how dumb you are....I can't believe you did
not pay the gas bill because you thought it was on automatic draft and
now dumbfuck...we have no gas!!!! You can run an entire empire, but
can't fucking pay the damn gas bill.


Confession #230

I honestly think that if I asked you to choose between me and the TV and computer games, you'd choose the TV and computer games.

Monday, December 14, 2009

True Wife Confessions 306 icicles on the eaves

Confession #3061

I confess. I knew all along that you were still active on the online dating sites. I just didn't know that you were exchanging nude pics with those women until I happened to walk in on you using the computer a few days ago.

I'm stunned that you chose to continue the picture exchange rather than continuing our relationship. After being in a relationship with you for 2 years, I thought I knew you better than that. I was wrong.

Confession #3062

I don't know what to do with you these days? The last month of my life has been thrown in such turmoil I don't even know now I feel about you anymore. Was I ever really in love with you or did I get swept away in my "grand plan" of life. Now here we are 12 years later, and I find my world turned upside down and another man involved. Never thought my life would be like this. How to decide what to do now? You know I'm not happy and that I feel like we are very far apart emotionally. I know you want to try to get "us" back. I just don't know if I have the energy or the will. Maybe I'm just done.

Confession #3063

We have been together a very long time. I fall out of love with you, but I stay. Then sometimes you do something sweet or thoughtful. Maybe you just touch me or ask me to watch a movie with you. And I remember why I fell in love with you. But it never lasts long enough to cement it all back together.

Confession #3064

I don’t understand how you can be loyal to everyone but me. You don’t even care how I feel about anything. I don’t know why I stay some days. You make it easier and easier for me to want to leave. The reason I don’t is because I took vows. I stood before God and promised so many things. I will not let these things that you do get me down because you are an idiot. So much for thinking you were my best friend.

Confession #3065

I wish your bloody mother would learn to spell my name right. We've been together for nearly TEN YEARS, and she still can't. It isn't that complicated a name!

Confession #3066

I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss seeing you and laughing and smiling. I want to rekindle that, but I can't get over the hurtful things you said to me. I've heard that you are feeling the same, but that you don't want to make the first move. Why does it always have to be me that initiates the make-up work? Why is it so hard for you to just admit that you did something wrong and then apologize for it? You're immature. If you were to come to me with a humble heart I would take you in my arms and forgive you. This needs to start with you. I've already made my apologies. I'm still so sad and humiliated by what you said and did. If we talk it out, things may not be the same but we could at least start fresh. Don't wait. Just come to me. I'm gonna let you know how I feel, but I won't bite your head off.

Confession #3067

I'm glad you found that $14,000 check you lost. I suggested that you use it to take care of your tax situation and you got mad. "It's your money," I said. "Then act like it," you said. I really don't give a shit, because I have an innocent spouse waiver and I am not responsible for your tax debt since it was created before I even met you. We've been together for four years and married for six months. If it was me who had a check for that amount I would discuss with you what we should do with it. Like fix up our shitty little house, which is in sore need of major repairs. Or pay off your medical bills. Or buy some new clothes for our toddler and fix up her room. Or add another room onto our house so I'll have a place to put a washer/dryer rather than lugging piles of dirty laundry to the laundromat every weekend. But I suggested you use it to take care of YOUR fucked up situation that YOU created. I wouldn't get a penny out of it, so why would you get pissed about that, you retard? I love you, but you are such a freaking procrastinator. You work hard at your job, but you spend every Friday night getting smashed, and then it takes you the rest of the weekend to sleep it off. Any other time is spent sitting on the couch watching football. I have to shoulder all of the responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, taking care of our daughter, errands..... and that's on top of my full-time manual job. I wish you would get it together. Stopping the Friday night binge drinking would be a good start. Spending a little time working around the house and doing fun stuff with me and our girl would be great too. Sometimes you really remind me of my father - lazy, indifferent, and stubborn. And I still resent him.

Confession #3068

Well, I thought moving and getting you out of the element you couldn't stand would make things better. You are closer to home now, and you are still miserable. Your temper is very scary. Now we have your son in anger management. WTF will it take for you to grow the f up? I don't want to be afraid of what might happen anymore. You don't want to hear it. OMG I can't even talk right now, now I am getting all mixed up in my head.

Confession #3069

I fell in love with you, again, last night.

After 11 years married, 12 years together, I can still find myself weak in the knees, head spinning, breath taken away in love with you.

Oh, sure, it doesn't happen every time we're together anymore. Our daily lives can't stop in orbit around each other, we'd never grow together if we did that. And, it's seeing you in the world, in our lives, in the challenges we face together, the laughs we share, that leaves me feeling more sure that this is where I want my life to be every day, while also leaving me in awe that I somehow ended up here with you.

But, I hope that you know all of that. I hope that I say it out loud and show it often as we move through our days together.

Last night, though, was one of those heart stopping, deep sigh moments. While we were alone, enjoying our 'grown-up' time after the kids were asleep, I did something that I don't remember doing before. I left my eyes open the whole time (well, most of it) and watched you as we were making love, as you made love to me. Now, I don't want you thinking that I didn't look before because I didn't want to. It's not that at all. I'm sure it's a combination of latent catholic guilt & childish 'close your eyes while you're kissing' romanticism, along with my own insecurities about my body & general shyness. Anyway, I overcame that for a while last night & really watched you as we came together. And, sure, it was hot. But, more than that, it was beautiful. I was overwhelmed with love for *you* and our lives together.

I love that, after all this time, I still find our love new & wonderful & the luckiest thing to ever happen to me. I know that I will be falling in love with you again, in new ways, for the rest of my life.

And, I hope that you know that you can confidently trade toothbrushes with me any time at all. As Howard Jones said, "Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is they cannot love this much. Nobody can. That is why I don't mind you doubting" I am what I love, not what loves me. I love you.

Confession #3070

We are getting divorced and it is the best thing for both of us. I told myself I would wait until it was official before I slept with him but the opportunity presented itself and we took it....and I don't feel the least bit guilty. He was FANTASTIC!!! As good as I was hoping he would be he was ten times better. I would gladly trade the one night of mind-blowing sex I had with him (although it won't be our last) for the nine years of infrequent, perfunctory, boring intercourse we had. Even though I have technically committed adultery (something I have never done before) I am down on my knees thanking whatever Gods there may be for feeling this way again.

We had been waiting patiently for months and since you and I are still under the same roof I have been respectful, only talking to him in my room with the door closed or when you aren't in the house. I will continue to be respectful but I am not giving him up. Even though he is still married too, and I have NO long term expectations from him, we are going to keep seeing each other as friends and lovers for as long as we both can take it.

He has re-awakened the passion in me, inspired me to start writing again (something you never knew I did) and encourages my endeavors. He looks at me with longing and desire, shows me kindness, consideration and respect and is willing to listen whenever I need a sympathetic ear. You haven't done any of those things since we were first married nine years ago. He can't understand why any man would be willing to give me up; you couldn't care less about keeping me around.

I'm glad our divorce is proceeding amicably and I will certainly strive to keep it that way but if we should happen to slip up and you find out about him then you will just have to deal with it. If you want to take a lover by all means...feel free!!! I wish you nothing but the best and want you to be happy, although your complete and utter lack of interest in the bedroom these past few years makes me think that sex is not foremost on your mind.

I am so incredibly thankful that I remember what it feels like to be appreciated and desired I can't even begin to describe it!!! If (God forbid) I should never see him again, I will still be eternally grateful that he has reminded me of my own self-worth and reminded me what it feels like to experience passion again. Being married to you, I had almost forgotten what it was like. I won't forget again.

Monday, December 07, 2009

True Wife Confessions Catch 22

Confession #211

You were such a jerk, and you made me so angry and miserable in the days leading up to our wedding day, and on the day itself, that I almost didn't go through with our wedding. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been knocked up already. I spent the entire day of our wedding terrified that I was making the worst mistake of my life, wanting to vomit, forcing myself to smile. I already wanted to divorce you before we even got home from the marriage license office. Thankfully it wasn't a mistake to marry you; I loved you then, and I love you now, and our marriage has actually turned out very well. But this is why I never want to do anything on our anniversary-- I don't even want to think about that day; it was one of the worst days of my life. I wish I could erase the memory from my mind.

Confession #212

We've been together for 12 years. After 10 years of finding a new roll of toilet paper precariously balanced on top of the empty cardboard roll, I decided we did not need toilet paper holders anymore. I didn't do it because I wanted to keep up with the trends. You can be a real jerk sometimes.

Confession #213

I do ALL of the work inside of the house, ALL of the yard work, ALL of the dog's duties, AND I work 40+ per week. I shoot daggers at you every weekend while you sleep in until 10am then get up and surf Myspace for 2 hours until lunch.

Confession #214

You CAN'T take credit for housework when you make the kids do it.

Confession #215

How is it that even when you do something as menial as boil water on the stove, you manage to use EVERY pot and pan that we own?? I swear, you went in to make a sandwich, and the kitchen is now a disaster area.

Confession #216

I have been married to you for 12 years and have loved you for 3 of them. I am only staying married to you for our child who adores you. I find you ignorant, slow, and you can't read very well either.

Confession #217

You're not fooling me with your "dumb male" act. You're an intelligent man-- you're easily as smart as I am, and I know with absolute certainty that after three years of living with me you are in fact capable of remembering where in my dresser I keep my pajamas and socks. So stop leaving them stacked on the bed when you fold the laundry, as if you have no idea where they go. Ditto the serving dishes you ALWAYS leave stacked on the counter when you unload the dishwasher. I've been keeping that ceramic platter, that cut glass bowl that chip-and-dip set in exactly the same cabinet for a year and a half now, and it would take you no more than two seconds to put them away. And don't even get me started on your spurious claim that you can't ever find the paper towels when it's time to replace an empty roll. There are ALWAYS paper towels in the linen closet, and they are always on the same shelf, right below the shelf where you keep extra bottles of your shaving cream and shampoo.

Confession #218

Why do I have to remind YOU to call the dealer to make an oil change appointment on the new PT Cruiser you wanted more than anything?

Confession #219

Honey, I love you - I really do - but the fact that you can not do anything like RSVP for any child's birthday party or invitation to play galls me. Regardless of how well you know the other family, you make me handle all the details. For such a liberated man, this is one bizarre throwback trait.

Confession #220

wish that for every hour your spent on your computer you'd spend 20 minutes with me. We used to talk to each other for hours. And I miss that.