Monday, December 06, 2010

True Wife Confessions 33 Rolling Rock

Confession #321

Why must you call to tell me that the power just went out & you were about to make dinner, well..... ok, looks like we are having pb&j to eat & why must I call the power company to report the outage. After all if you can call a boat dealership to get a boat loan, then why is it so hard for you to call the energy company and let then know that we have no power!!! pussy

Confession #322

I had an abortion, right before we got married... I could never ever tell you this and never ever will! I feel like shit that you don't know anything about this and I thank God we have a beautiful little one now!

Confession #323

Sometimes, when we are having sex. I hurry things along because there is dramah on the message board I post at. Yes, I am more interested in reading the dramah, than having a quickie with you. Tuna Cones and sybermommys are far more entertaining.

Confession #324

You have given me more than I could have ever imagined.
I still get butterflies when I see you. After 8 years, you still make me giddy like you did when we first started dating.
When I look at our children and I see you in them, it makes me love you that much more. I know that your childhood was hard and you didn't have your mother and father around much, but you never show any resentment and somehow you know how to do everything for your children that your parents didn't do for you. You are my strength and my comfort. I could spend the day wrapped up in your arms. I take you for granted so many times, but when I stop to think about it, I can't believe I have someone as amazing as you. I know I say it everyday, but I mean this more than I can express: I love you. Thank you for being you.

Confession #325

The only reason i'm still with you is because he
wouldn't leave her for me. I've played the naive
victim role to keep you here. I still don't love you
and I don't know if I ever will but you are a decent
father and I don't want to get a job. I know I suck.

Confession #326

When you were out of town 2 years ago cheating on me, I was sleeping with your best friend. I just give you a hard time because I don't want you to be hurt the way I was hurt the 3 times you cheated on me.

Confession #327

When we fight or you make me feel bad about myself, I secretly think about the married man I slept with for two years before I married you. He wouldn't leave his wife and kids (though he said in the beginning that he was going to), but we've messaged each other recently and he still thinks of me as 'the one that got away'. I wish you knew that someone else wants me so you'd treat me better

Confession #328

I got engaged to you when I found out I was pregnant. When I lost the baby
I should have taken it as a sign to change the direction of my life, but I
didn't. I married you anyway, because I didn't want everyone to think that
I was just marrying you because of the baby. I was. Now I'm miserable
being married to you, and spend my days googling ex-boyfriends and dreaming
of ways to leave you.

Confession #329

I did know that the ice tea in the fridge was yours and that you were saving it. I was just thirsty and it looked good.

Confession #330

I start fights at bedtime so that you won't try to have sex with me.

Monday, November 22, 2010

True Wife Confessions 319 turkey feathers

Confession #3181

Sweetie, the coffee you make is like paint thinner. I don't know who told you at what point in your life that you made good coffee, but you don't...which is why I try to always "pick it up when I am out", even when you make me a pot in the morning. When you offer it to guests, I am always somewhat concerned if I should warn them off the toxic brew!

Confession #3182

As we try to plan our wedding and we are dealing with the impact the oil spill has had on your job and income, that is stressful on it's own. But all that you have taken on since I hurt my back in June- the housework and being the sole income.

I hate seeing everything fall on you and the craziness just got worse when I lost control of the PTSD and started having major anxiety and panic attacks. Like I told you, my aunt asked me if I was nervous about getting married again after my first marriage failed after 7 years married and 1 year dating. I told her I wasn't. You have stood by me through all of this and proposed over 2 months after I hurt my back. You tell me I am beautiful when I feel the world's ugliest from all the steroids. You have cried as you held me and I just fell apart because I am so tired of hurting and not being able to help out and can't stand what I see in the mirror.

I know I get snippy at times and I am sorry. It is mostly frustration with myself and what is going on with me that I end up wrongly taking out on you. Your mom amazes me. I can't say how much the support I have gotten from your sister has meant. I am so lucky to have you and I cannot wait to be your wife. I love you.

Confession #3183

We've had a nominally open marriage for five years. You've been with a couple of other women, and enjoyed it; until now, I've remained monogamous. Until now.

I've been dreaming about her for a year. She's been dreaming about me. We finally met again, and struck sparks off each other. I knew right away that it was time. She and I kissed for hours.

I brought her to meet you. I was so proud of you both: you for smiling sweetly and shaking the hand of my new lover, and her for having the courage to meet you, the primary partner in my life. And I felt so, so lucky.

I've never done this before. I know it could be complicated. But I adore you, my husband, and I cherish my new lover; you like and respect her, she adores her wife, and her wife hasn't met me but gives us her blessing. With all of us working hard to be open and real and loving, I think we have a shot at making something great.

Confession #3184

You are bipolar. I no longer see you as a 'go-getter' or intelligent. I don't care how often you try to convince yourself that you are not bipolar....I am not an idiot. I am a damn psych major, with 6 classes left, and as you belittle me and call me Dr. Phil, you are only upset because I figured you out. You cycle rapidly, you have cheated on me with men, you enjoy the sickest fetish I have ever seen....and NO---I will not participate in your disgusting acts of shoving things up your ass.(not that you have asked, but the thought of you in the shower alone with a shampoo bottle really really makes me nauseous). You also lie about the money you spend, put yourself first constantly, buy your own self things but get pissed at me when I spend money on the kids.....FOR THINGS THAT THEY NEED. You are so damn negative that I feel like I am suffocating in your presence. You spend zero time with any of the kids, you make promises you NEVER keep to them, and me. You only 'try' to change when I tell you I am fed up with the fighting, the nit picking, the ignoring, the selfishness. You are a HORRIBLE father. Thank God we do not have any children together. I raise your 2 boys, and my 3 kids while you sit your ass in front of the computer doing senseless things. I am tired of your justifying. Don't you ever come out of the bedroom again when I am out here reprimanding, that is the only time the kids even see you. They are all AFRAID of you. The only interactions you have with them are yelling. Screw you. Screw your drugged up baby mama that has caused so much drama, and got her kids taken away from her by CPS. I raise those kids while you play the 'wonderful father who has to clean up the fucked up mothers mess'. You always take credit for the stuff that I DO. You are the most self absorbed person I have ever met. You are the biggest liar I have ever met, and your friggin mean as hell. I am sick of you turning shit around on me. I told you last night for the first time ever that I think you're a bad father. You called me a fucking bitch. The truth must hurt you. Because you know I cook, clean, do homework, baths, and bed WITHOUT you. You sit your nasty ass at your desk and make videos, play games, get your own homework done, or go play in the garage with all of your new hunting gear that you spent almost 1,000 and will never use. I really hate how you put yourself first constantly! Yea, and I hate the fact that you feel the need to fart on EVERYONE ALL OF THE TIME. You are so damn fowl I swear. Maybe if you stopped shoving things up your ass you wouldn't have so much air to release you gross fucking pig. And I can't stand it when you walk around naked and shove your cock in my face like you do. I'd rather bite it off, and trust me, it isn't a way to turn me on.....AT ALL.

Confession #3185

I wish you'd warned me that by marrying you I was giving up sex and gifts.

Seriously, we've had no sex since the night before our wedding four years ago. And my birthday present from you this year -- the FIRST since we were married -- was a Starbucks card that I walked you to Starbucks to buy for me.

No sex and no presents. I suppose I should be glad you're not hassling me to give up cake.

Confession #3186

I love you darling. And I find myself heartbroken trying to figure out, why after everything we've been through and everything we've shared, you've chosen to abandon me the way you have. I understand and agree with what you did, but this... it's unbearable. I am more in love with you than you'll ever know, and some days I think that you don't even remember who I am anymore. What scares me the most is that I'm starting to hate you. Because I don't understand this anymore. I now think that everything you ever said to me was a lie, that you never really loved me at all. Maybe I was just a means to an end for you, but all I really wanted was for us to be a family again. If you want to continue on like this, if you don't really love me at all, if you think you can live the rest of your life without me... then go to hell. I hate you for throwing us away. Every time you think about me, though I doubt you ever will, I hope you burn with the regret of knowing how you broke me. Because the only unforgivable mistake you ever made, was abandoning me like the trash you apparently think I am. Congratulations, I'm the mistake! You live with the regret, you've destroyed me enough to last me a lifetime.

Confession #3187

I love my husband dearly. DEARLY. But I have suddenly developed a crush on his friend...and I have no idea why. He's not even all that hot. What is THAT about?

He's a very nice guy, and he's an artist, so I keep thinking maybe that's it...I'm an artist and so is he (though we are on two different ends of the spectrum art-wise). He's a redhead and I've always had a thing for redheads. I never felt anything towards this guy until recently and it just kind of snuck up and me and slapped me in the head. I don't talk to him regularly, I don't see him that often. I don't get it! If one is happily married, why would she crush on someone else? It's driving me nuts because I don't understand the attraction. Maybe I'm just bored and looking for someone else aside from my hubby to give me an ego boost by noticing I'm cute. Maybe I'm struggling with getting older and noticing the fine lines and not as perky breasts. Maybe I'm missing the butterflies one gets when first starting a relationship (my hubby and I have been together for 7 years).

I'm trying to put the kibosh on the fantasy but it's just so fun to fantasize...and I know that's all it can ever be. I don't think he's into me (like I said, we rarely see or talk to each other), nor do I want to succumb to that "grass is always greener" BS by doing something stupid that I would regret. My husband is a sweetheart and by all rights things are very good between us both in and out of the why is it that I keep thinking about this friend? Crap.

Confession #3188

Dear Dickhead I mean hubby,
After five years I have to say I’m still in disbelief at how quickly you changed. One minute you were the love of my life, sweet, wonderful, great with my son, and a communication pro. The next minute you were a raging drunk with a penchant towards violence and hateful words. Even though you’ve been sober over the last few years you still haven’t changed. If anything you’ve become even more controlling and angry. I’m no longer able to even keep anything I want in our room. Everything has to be your way even down to how many bottles of shampoo, conditioner, body wash etc. I can have in the shower. Maybe you should be happy about the fact that I want to take care of myself and I want to improve myself but you aren’t. You only put me down for it. You wonder all the time why I had an affair well guess what you would have one too if you were married to you. You don’t appreciate the fact that I work full time plus take care of the house and when your laid off you still expect me to do all the work at home and away from home. FUCK YOU. Then you have the nerve to complain when I don’t help out. YOU DON’T WORK. When I stayed home with the kids the house and the kids were my job. Cleaning, dinner and even the sex and the blow jobs. Everytime you get laid off you argue with me about me not doing enough to help you out. I don’t make dinner blah blah blah maybe I’m a little tired from the 2 hour commute and the 8 hours of work I just did. Just once I’d love to hear something nice come out of your mouth. Instead your just always complaining about me. It seems I don’t do anything right except for sucking your dick. What a lucky man you are you get to treat me like shit and yet you still manage to get laid three to four times a week. Lucky you that you are at least good in bed otherwise you’d be joining the ranks of my ex-husband. No pussy, no maid , lonely and miserable with only the kids to keep you company. I will say the only thing that has changed is that even though you complain about doing it at least now you help out a little. I guess you got tired of me bitching and moaning and then ultimately not doing it or maybe your just afraid that if you don’t shape up a little I might end up fucking someone else again. I hope some day soon you wake up and realize that I’m not that bad and that you should be more appreciative. I won’t hold my breath though.

Confession #3189


You used to have my heart..........I was gaga over you, until you showed me that all you truely cared about was yourself and getting ahead in work......... When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but so happy, when I told you, you layed the guilt on thick and convinced me that this would ruin your career and your life and that I had to get an abortion which I swore I'd never do, I lost my family because of that but you promised me you'd spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to me. Then low and behold shit hit the fan and I'm the one left holding the bag and your nowhere to be found! I'm sad I didn't see your controlling selfishness sooner, I would have kept the baby and told u to go fuck yourself! Once right after the abortion you told me that you felt like u forced me into it and you felt incredibly guilty.... not wanting you to hurt I told you that I made the decision knowing it was best for us as a couple...... I lied I felt forced and everytime I have a nightmare and wake up screaming I hate u a little more! Like I said you used to have my heart......I used to be gaga over you...... You crushed my heart and stole a piece of my soul and ill never look at you the same again!

Confession #3190

It drives me crazy when you rush me to get out of the house. Mostly because I will be standing there with my coat on and ready to walk out the door while you spend the next 15 minutes wandering around the house getting ready. You say that I am slow in getting ready - HAH!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

You say Truu Wife, I say No.

Last week I wrote a pretty cathartic post on my home blog about an incident that happened to me in 2007.

I contended then, and still do, that my blog idea and name were lifted and used by someone who had prior knowledge of my blog...and had written a fan email with a request for me to give the content (for free) to the Huffington Post.

I felt pretty good after that post. I had finally spoken, out loud, what I had alluded to and danced around for three long years. I named the person - Romi Lasally.

There were lots of comments on that post, and some bridge re-building has begun with some bloggers. I am eternally grateful for that.

I am cross posting the entry I put up today.

Because this just can't continue. It isn't right.


So, after thinking and listening and emailing and talking, I felt better about the situation around True Wife Confessions and the obvious derivation.

I decided to wander over and look at the site...You know, what the heck.

Which is when I saw "Truu Wife Confessions"

Oh Sweet Jeebus. My blood pressure rose dramatically.
But I did nothing at first. I thought. I meandered.

And then I emailed, through the website.

I stated that the title was derivative but for ONE letter, and I wanted it taken down.

The response?

Thanks for reaching out Dawn. This vertical has been up on the site for almost 2 years (since I relaunched

Would you have any interest in taking this vertical over and using the confessional on your site and pulling your content into the truu blog?

truuconfessions works on a lifestage model (much like the knot, the nest, etc) and wives was always a category and then its own vertical. Just as the huffingtonpost creates "big news pages" around topics, that's all I did and continue to do with other topics.

I'm sorry for any bad blood in the past - no intention to "plagiarize" as u say. If you'd like to work together on this section (with a fair rev share split) I'd be happy to talk by phone or email.


Um, Hell No? Hell to the Nizzo?

My response:

No. I have no interest in partnering with you.
I want you to take it down, regardless of how long it has been up.

Dawn Rouse

Within Minutes, I got this:

Thanks for your quick response.

Sorry. I'm not going to go in and change the infrastructure of my site.


And My final response:

The concept and title is derivative of MY site, which has been in place since 2006.

The is my last request to take down that section. I should, by rights, ask for a portion of your revenue for the entire time you have been using the name. I am not.
Take down Truu Wife Confessions.

Dawn Rouse

Let's see what the next chapter brings.

Updated to add the Contact form for "Truu wife". Feel free to use it - Hell, even if you want to tell Romi that I am a spiteful bitch who should shut up. Just let your voice be heard. I am not being quiet this time around.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

True Wife Confessions 318 pieces of halloween candy

Confession #3171

I have been taking care my dying father for a couple of months. You say that you can't complain, because I have to do it, but then you DO complain. Also, I have begged, whined, yelled, discussed, cried, and politely requested that you help around the house. You always say no, that vacuuming, pet care, etc. is my job, or you just shrug as I run around trying to lay everything out for the week in the three hours I have sometimes on weekends when my family helps. My dad CAN'T BE LEFT ALONE. I am the only one without kids. I bought you a video game for our anniversary, and now feel like I've drafted our divorce papers. You play every waking second, even when I cone home, having been given the night off by my family, who wants me to "have fun with my husband." Little do they know that i'll be ignored for the entire night.

Today you said you didn't want to see me. You were mad that I was upset that you didn't spend time with me when I came home, which you SAID we'd do. Not to mention the house literally stinks at times. I am working full time, caring for my father, taking care of our home and cooking for you, all while you gain weight so you can't fit into your clothes, and play that stupid fucking game. I never knew how truly childish and selfish you really were. You are not a grown-up. You have said you have no respect for me, that you have no respect for anyone but yourself. What in the heck is the matter with you?

My father told me that the money he leaves me is not to go to you, or my sibling's spouse, either, that it's for US. I thought we were one flesh, should share, etc., but now I would say to my dad, fucking-a right! I'm not paying off your irresponsibility just so you can leave or cheat in a debt-free environment. I really love you, and you have your awesome moments, but generally you're being an unbelievable, unhelpful prick. I am sorry, though, that when you said "at least I'm not disabled" I said "it feels like you are". It does feel like that, because you're glued to the couch, but I shouldn't have said it.

My confession is, divorce is not as unpalatable to me as it used to be. Also, with the way you acted today, I believe you're cheating on me. We could have spent the afternoon and evening together. It's a rare and beautifully warm day, but you didn't want to see my face and went "shopping" instead. Weak.

Straighten up, you ridiculous asshole. Grow the fuck up, you gigantic child, before I truly begin to hate you instead of just being pissed.

Ps-at this rate, I think you'd make a shitty father and I'm glad we don't have kids yet.

Confession #3172

You know that dream I told you, where we got married and had two kids? It’s no longer my dream. Your immaturity and your indiference made me realize that I deserve someone who really loves me. Sometimes we’re so busy that we only see each other once a week… so would it kill you to text or call me at least once a day? I’m always the one reaching out, the one who can’t stand days of silence and missing your voice. And you know what? I don’t want to wait around for you to grow up and one day realizing I’m in my 30s and still living in my parents’ house, while you’re still trying (and failing) to graduate. In your mind, you’re still stuck in your teenage years and always will be. You’re a spoiled brat, wanting to live off your parents until you’re old, not having any ambitions of your own! One day I’ll find someone who will walk by my side, not someone I have to drag around like you.

Confession #3173

Sometimes I step back and realize I'm married to a racist, size-ist, sexist alcoholic, and I just can't believe I did this to myself.

Sometimes I believe I let it happen so that you'd be forced to release your carcinogenic anger. (Hey, you're 240 days sober. It's a start.) Sometimes I believe I deserve an open-minded, self-aware husband who thinks before he opens his mouth and spews hate, and even realizes why the hate and disdain doesn't make sense, and that one day I'm going to have one of those husbands, and it'll be you.

But most times I believe I don't deserve any better. I deserve to be stuck here.

Confession #3174

I love you. You are the most amazing thing that has ever been mine. Sometimes I neglect you. I become irratated with my responsibilities and my desires and I forget that you have them too. I forget that it is you, not me, that wakes up and heads off to work at 4:30 AM. I forget that it is you that then comes home and sits beside me, spending your time with me instead of your friends. That it is you that continually reminds me that men are not all bad. And that bad can go good and not just the other way around.

I noticed your absyss yesterday, the one you got from shooting herion before you met me. I looked back at the pictures of us. You're the only man who has ever treated me right and I remembered the story you told me, when you were in prison having withdrawals. Shaking and crying out on a cold prision floor while the guards made fun of you. I wish I had been there then.

Then I remind myself that I am here now. My head on your chest as you caress my bare back and think only of me, not of other women. You are a changed man and you give me the best you can. You deserve the same. I'm sorry.

Confession #3175

He had been looking for me for years, he said. He kept checking all the social network sites to see if I was out there, somewhere (I’m not). And three months ago, after nearly 28 years, he found me through a professional network site. I nearly fainted when I got the first email, asking if I used to be (the name he knew me by). This man was probably the biggest influence in my life on the person I was to become – all in good ways. But he broke my heart. I left him in California, came home to the Midwest and never sought him out again. I wanted to – oh, how I wanted to – but I didn’t. I was too proud.

He’s happily married with two small children – this man who said he would NEVER get married and NEVER wanted kids. He lives in Ireland now. I’m happily married to the father of our two mostly grown children and live 6 time zones away from him.

He told me that he’s thought about me once a week for 28 years and wondered where I was and how my life turned out. My picture is on the website and his 2nd email to me said ‘You’re more beautiful than I could have imagined.’

I probably should have stopped this. But the very idea that he’d been thinking of me even more often over the years than I had thought of him was an ego boost of major proportion.

I didn’t tell my husband he contacted me. We correspond through my work email solely. The messages have settled into a friendly pattern. Nothing will come of this – I quit loving him in that way literally decades ago. But I’m not going to tell my husband.

I’m keeping this all for myself – I haven’t told a soul. I cherish pondering the fact that I truly did mean as much to him as he did to me. It’s a little box of joy I can open in my mind any time that I need it.

Confession #3176

Hi Honey;
I just surfed through some wife rants. Some of these women are hurt and abused, some are just assholes. I decided that I am not going to "let it all hang out", but I will hang out most of it.
Foremost, I love you, I love your mind, I love your body. I wish you would share more of them with me. Your son and I are doing some cleaning, I do not know how far it will go, but we are trying.
I know I am an asshole with the budget, I will try and do better.
You, possibly because you are very tired, have put me through physical hell lately. When we were first married, you wanted sex once, maybe twice a month, and even then it did not seem that you really wanted it. Through the middle years, things got some better, but I still got more sex from my hand than I did from / with you. They say that a woman's high drive years are her 30's, and those are behind us. You now are premenopausal, and I am scared shitless, that the rest of my sex life is going to be like those first years.
We have not made love in nearly two weeks. In the past days, I have been torn apart physically and mentally. Physically, it feels like I have a headache in my prostrate, and the pain from this has gone as high as mid back. Emotionally and mentally, I have been on a roller coaster from hell. I hate masturbation, even though I do it, and I have not done it recently. I WANT MY WIFE.
I have thought about getting a friend with benefits. I have thought about leaving. I thought this morning that its to bad one man can only be married to one woman, that with multiples, there would be more income, more help domestically, and more sex. But that is not right.
I love you, and I guess I love you enough to endure what I am going through. I hate that one of these nights you will be just amourous enough to give it up, and then the hell cycle of "oh, yeah that was nice", "man I miss her", no sex, but cuddle me, "I am coming apart at the seems, its been two weeks", will start again. I am about ready to forget the whole sex thing, but the hell of it is, I am probably too horny to do so.
I am happy with you - you are a wonderful person, but I am not happy emotionally or physically .I need you more, it seems, than you need me. You can enjoy yourself at the computer, and get cuddled when we sleep, and it is enough. IT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME, I am dying inside, I want to date you, talk with you, kiss you and F**CK THE SH*T out of you.
I enjoy what sex we have, because I really enjoy / get off pleasing you. I have told you that I need to be touched and how, yet you cannot seem to bring yourself to be interested enough in me / sex to do it. I am really having a tough time here. As hard as I can, I am yours forever, but if I would ever do anything I shouldn't, know that its not all me.
I love you very much, enough to put up with life as it is, and if I can endure it, life with little to no sex. Please don't make me live there
Your Husband

Confession #3177

I love you husband. You are my perfect match in every way. For 8 years we were so close and completely in love. I don't doubt that you love me now, you just love money more. I hate the fact that it is so important for you to work late every night, we are not hurting for money. I understand your need to secure the future for our family, but if you continue to neglect the security of our relationship you will have no family in the future. I never thought I was the type of person to cheat, but I met someone who makes me feel like I'm important, beautiful and alive. We talk all throughout the day. Even though I know it's probably fake, I still enjoy knowing someone will answer when I call and not want to hang up. But he is not what or who I want- I want YOU and I want back what we used to have in the beginning. Please listen to me and don't ignore what I have been saying for so long. I don't want to hurt you but I fear that this man is eroding my thick "I'm married" barrier far more quickly than I thought.

Confession #3178

You make me feel so ugly and I don't know how to stop from hating myself for hating you. Why am I not enough? No matter what I do- no matter what new clothes I buy or how much I work out or how much weight I lose you still don't want me, you still don't touch me, you still hide and find all the ways you can to look at and look for naked photos of other women online. Do you think I believed you that the dating site memberships I found on you really belonged to someone else? The memberships dating back through our entire marriage, engagement, and dating relationship. I don't even know you any more and I worry you are having an affair and just hope I catch you undeniably if you are. You find ways to avoid me and lie and tell me you are too tired for me to touch you. I lied when I pretended I didn't know what that crust in your underwear was. I just wanted you to know I find it. Asshole. I want to save enough money to get the hell out and divorce your sorry lying ass.

Confession #3179

You quit drinking (again-- and hopefully for the last time) and I want to tell everyone how proud I am of you but that would require divulging personal things to people who really don't need to know. But I am proud of you. I can't imagine what you deal with in your head on a daily basis and I wish I could do something to fix that, but I know (and you know, too) that alcohol only makes it worse. I can't imagine my life without you, my mind goes blank, and I would do anything to keep us together and happy. Anything. I love you. P.S. Being sober makes your dick harder---another plus!

Confession #3180

I let you change me. How did i end up here with someone so unmotivated, unconfident, socially awkward and with a beer
belly? I don't understand how a person gets gout so many times and continues to suck food down like a vacuum. To make
matters worse you refuse to see a doctor.

I try and try to encourage and support you in the 9 years we've been together. You have so many resources at your hands
but yet you choose to work in a retail store for someone else instead of creating your own business, which you have the
talent to do. Your boss offered to sell you his business and you are still thinking about it. You are too old for this
shit. Get off your ass and open your own business. I offered to help write your business proposal and even suggested
business investors(your family member's who would say yes) and my help in running your business but yet it's all too
mature and serious for you to discuss ("I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW'). In my teens i made alot of
financially mistakes because of my disfunctional family life. I'm still financially paying for those mistakes and this
is holding me back in my career. I need to get my masters degree and bring this up for discussion all the time. Again
you have the finacial means to help me (us really) but you never say a word. You don't seem to understand that my
(financial) success is also your success. I would do anything in my power to help you improve yourself but i don't seem
to get the same from you.

I'm truly tired of this relationship and want you to be the one to end it. I can't find it in myself to end it with you
for the third time (you get so depressed). I truly thought i loved you and would be with you because we share so many
laughs. I'm tired of staying in all the time. We argue so much because you try to control me and attack my personality because you are unhappy with your own and you really have no close friends. I find your controlling behaviour emotionally abusive and when i say so you become enraged. I'm tired of your jealousy and have explained i will not allow you to dictate my friendships.

Please hurry up and end this because someone else has my attention now and he is just waiting for me and has no idea i feel the same way. I have known him much longer then you and never paid him any attention. Well since he relocated to our city, i just realized he has all the qualities i have always needed in a man. You are not a man but a mama's boy.
I can't even bear to see you naked anymore and would rather masturbate because i find you physically unattractive. And yes you are right when you say people must wonder why i am with you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

True Wife Confessions 317 effects of colonialism

Confession #3161

It is difficult for me to feel anything but angry when you criticize me for not cleaning up to your "standards" when you disappear to Yoga for 2 hours. Sorry I didn't get to the living room - I was cleaning out our daughters dresser and washing all of the winter clothes - after she had tried them on to make sure they still fit. So your little tempter tantrum because the living room wasn't "clean" since "You told us to clean it up Two hours ago when you left" makes me want to punch you right in the fucking face.

Confession #3162

All of those years trying to get pregnant you never were supportive, excited or really interested. You say you were but damn it! You were not! No IVF or anything too evasive, god forbid you be supportive in an intense venture as that. Take time away from work for your wife and to create a child together? I must have been insane to think you could do this. Skip forward after years of trying to get pregnant to adoption. One failed adoption and you were off the adoption train. Did you care that I spent three weeks depressed and in bed? Why torment me and suggest we adopt a child in our family that needed parents? You knew that was a hopeless possibility. I wonder know if that is why you suggested it? An easy way to dodge children. Never a sweet touch or loving words to give me. No endearments. Everything is about you, your day was worse, your back is much more stiff and sore compared to mine, you work harder, have more stress, WTF! I exist, I am a person, an individual. I am so attracted to another man in my life that if he acts on this attraction we seem to have going on, I will accept his advances with open arms. I hope if this happens I have already found my own place but if it does happen, it happens. I need a release. I need something for me.

Confession #3163

I don't know where I am. Six months ago, I would have said, "No way". Now, I find myself fantasizing about being single. I want to finish my degree and be done with it. I want to find a job. I want to know that I can make it on my own.

You've never done anything wrong. But I get the feeling that as much as you try to control your temper, you're really not doing a very good job. Our kids deserve better than that. I remember telling you 6 months ago not to make me choose between you or the kids. I will choose them. Because they deserve to not be in a house where they are afraid of your reactions.

Why is it that one person can make you doubt your whole life? I remember that's how it was when I met you. You made me think of things in a new way. You make me believe that I deserved it. Now I want a change again. But everything is against me. I just want what I have now, but extra.

You told me it was OK that I am in love with two men. But what good does it do me if I can't be with him? How am I supposed to give you what you deserve when all I think about is him? How do I get that rush back with you?

It would be easy if I could forget how I feel about him. My skin feels like fire every time I see him. My heart races.

Sometimes I feel like marriage is a trap.

Confession #3164

My husand is a dirty stinking pig. I woke up this morning and he had wet the bed, the second time this year. We went to a party with some friends and he drank way too much, much more than anyone else at the party did, and embarrassed I made us leave early. But it didn't stop there. When we got home he insisted on staying up for a few more hours drinking a lot more beers. I went to bed by myself and was asleep when he joined me. I was only woken up by the disgusting feeling of wetness all around me and a second later all I could smell was horrible urine. I jumped straight in the shower and scrubbed myself all over, he can clean up the bedroom when he wakes. I'm sick of this dirty bastard because he has a drinking problem but I still want to be able to go to partys with friends yet remain responsible but how can I go without him? I think I'm gonna quit, let him wake up in his own piss by himself!

Confession #3165

After many happy years of marriage I began an affair with a woman who was also married. The whole thing was about sex, in fact the moment I met the woman I wanted to make love to her, and I never stopped trying until it happened. The affair lasted over 2 years, and it wrecked my marriage. The woman, who I'll call Ann (not her real name) was a full and experience lover who encouraged me to do every sex act I wanted with her, she let me cum in her mouth, she swallowed me, which my wife never did. It made me feel like I was in heaven. Guess that makes me a sexual pig or something....But she was more important to me than my own family for a long time.

Confession #3166

What part of "I don't want a big ring or fancy wedding, I just want some romance" are you not getting? Seriously any proposal will beat the last one I got from my ex that involved me being 3 months pregnant stuck at a house party on Halloween and being woken up at 4 AM by a stoned and inebriated ex saying "We should get married!" ANYTHING would beat the pants off that, even if you just proposed with a latte.

Confession #3167

sometimes I would like you to look at me with dessire and kiss me and then make love to me... so I wouldn't have to come downstairs to grab a beer and play online games because this is another of many nights that you just want to snore... sometimes I feel so lonely even though you are right there... sometimes like now I wish I could intimate with you and be in your arms but it looks like more than one night of that a month is too much to ask... you are just 33 and are already so indifferent about me... I wonder how is going to be when you are 53 and I feel scared...

Confession #3168

Dear Husband,
I am sad today. I think you are getting closer to the day when you will finally declare that you were not cut out for this. Closer to the day when you return to when the biggest thing you had to worry about was which shirt you were going to wear and when you would go to the tanning salon. I know that getting an instant family is difficult - but we love you. We have loved you all this time... and all these years. More than anything... yet daily you are frustrated by us - by them. They are only being children - very good children I might add - and have every right to make mistakes. Please let them. Let them spill milk and mess up their rooms once and a while without making them feel like monsters. You have turned into a negative, self involved person - and living here with you watching that is breaking my heart. I don't want to make them invisible. I don't want to be invisible myself. I miss you already... and you're not even gone.
I will love you until the stars fade from the sky. I promise you. And I will miss you until the day I die. My biggest regret will be that I couldn't fix this. I'm not even sure what is broken.

Confession #3169

When i first found out the you liked me i didnt know how i felt. We worked together and youre a notorious flirt. I never took you seriously. But i gave in. You charmed the pants off of me, literally. But im glad you did. I just got of a long, bad relationship with someone who didnt even kiss me, let alone make me feel good. It had been two years since i had a man make my knees weak just from kissing me. You make me laugh, youre caring and sweet. And you have this dangerous quality about you that i love. The sex is amazing. You make me feel so wanted, like you cant get enough of me. Ive never had such hot sexy, dirty, passionete sex with someone. You tell me how much you want me..when we worked together we had this secret dirty naughty thing going on the no one else knew about..i loved our pretend cigarette breaks, which were really an excuse to go to your truck and make out. Basically, i was broken and you fixed me. I was so sad, so heartbroken after the last man..i felt like i was perpetually sad for months. And after the first time we spent time together i felt something change in me. Now about got married so young. You have two beautiful children that i know are your entire life. Your ex dangles those kids over you like a horse with a carrot. You cant go out late if you have them, cant go out with friends, and dating me pisses her off beyond belief. You have no custody agreement so its a constant battle to not piss her off or else you cant have the girls. Anytime something you do isnt to her standards or how she wants then the threat to move away with them comes along. You got pulled over with three grams of pot two years ago and now thats on your record..and in the state that we're in isnt going to give the dad w a pot charge 50/50 custody. So it's a double edged sword..youre an amazing father and they adore you. I see the look in your eyes when you tell me how she got mad about something and is saying she'll take them. I feel like a total asshole getting upset about how you bend to her still..but i understand why you do. Which is why i dont say anything.

Confession #3170

I used to love you
Over 40 years of picking up after you, calming upset neighbours, making excuses and putting up with your put downs and control. I cannot understand why I am still here.
I get nothing from our relationship. We were both trained for high income work and I did so much better than you, had offers which I turned down to have children for you, who were not in my life's plan when young
I helped you promote your career to the detriment of mine and when you suddenly landed into the big money [we previously had equal incomes] you wanted to change from joint to separate bank accounts, and pay me '' housekeeping''.
You then got me pregant again and renegged on the housekeeping.
With 3 children under 5 and one on the way I could not earn andtou used to ''forget'' to give me any money- for up to 8months at a time. You must have enjoyed the poer it gave you to have me begging .
You were earning a quarter of a million and used it as a power base to control me.

I aked why you would never help with the children and you grandly said ''You would reduce me to housework !''. What do you think you had done to me?
I gave up my career for yours- then you pitche d yours away and stopped working
You had affairs and left me then decided you wanted me back. You cam ebegging. Why did I take you back?
I cannot explain that, but it was the worst thing I did - after marrying you.
You have few friends apart from the bottle.
You cannot relax without alcohol.
You are domestically lazy and unhygienic.
You never pull your weight in the house. You come in after I have cooked and washed up, and done half the drying and putting away , and say you will help.
You do half the remainder and walk away leaving the mess and claim to have done the lot.
If you mow the lawn there are huge grass tufts left growing everywhere.
YUou are always breaking promises.
You never do a job properly or finish it
Our children recognise this too.
You were never there when they were growing up and they are angry
You were out ,big-noting yourself with male organisations, Always with drinking involved
You were not there when our child had an accident needing prolonged hospitalisation.
You were not there to guide our children who now have far reaching problems for which they blame you.
You are totally engaged in self fulfilment and self-stimulation and cannot face the real world without your alcoholic prop.
It would be nice if you could contribute regularly to the housekeeping instead of bringing home food to cook a meal once in 3 weeks [and telling my friends you do all the cooking]
It would be nce if you did not dirty the floor, walls and windows if you cook a meal.
I wish you would stop treating my purchased supplies like a supermarket and buy some regular supplies yourself. I hate seeing you scratch your way through my purchases to pick out what you like.
I remember a boat trip to the islands near your birthday time years ago. I was making you up a gourmet gift basket and had hidden some smoked salmon etc near the back of the bottom fridge shelf. to put onto it at the last moment.
You grandly announced on the island. ''Look what I brought for you'!Don't say I don't think of you.'. It was the salmon for your gift. that you proudly displayed.
Could you not think to dactually BUY something nic efor me - fancy stealing my gift for you!!
Since then you have repeated this act several times.
I see you getting old and losing your physical and mental ability and it is dragging me down with you.You don't want to do anything but sit
I think daily of leaving you but have not
I don;t know what would happen to you if I left. You have only one friend in the world apart from your family [and some of your children don;t want you too much]
We are old. I am still working and you are doing just a little.
I am too busy to leave. Maybe too old to get up and go.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

True Wife Confessions 316 Lost

Confession #3151

I have a hundred reasons why I have stayed with him but now after almost 21 years of marriage, I wish I had left a long time ago. By my staying I have taught the kids that I am weak and that it is OK for a man to treat a woman the way he does to me. I feel that I have failed my children and I hate who I have become.

Confession #3152

You are the girliest guy I have ever known. I complement you every chance I get, and it usually gets slapped back in my face. I keep saying the things I say because

1) I want you to know you are these things to me

2) I might want to hear them back more often then once every two months!

Is it so hard to just tell me I'm beautiful as you run your hands down my back? Or tell me I look pretty on the days I actually wear makeup?

But you're SO insecure about everything, even your ability to love me and treat me well, I suffer for it.
We have a wonderful relationship. You are so sweet and gentle, and you're everything I never knew I wanted.

But I often wonder if you don't think these things about me. These things you don't say that I so want/need to hear. Is it because you don't actually think I'm beautiful? I worry that you are only with me because I want you with me.I've always been big on what you think, on your value and your choice in every matter. Do I actually make you happy?

Confession #3153

When you’re working lots of overtime the kids and I don’t miss you as much as I tell you we do. We love you and like to have you around, but by now we’re pretty good at being on our own

Confession #3154

How can I hate and love someone at the same time? You do nothing in the house - then you have day of making it look good on the surface, then dare to yell at me when it starts getting messy again. We both make the mess... We both work. Fucking deal with it, rather than pretending it's not there.

And drinking as much as you isn't good. At all. You might as well be having an affair with beer. It sucks - and the disgusting behavior, the sleepwalking and the constant laying in bed isn't a turn on. Although, paying me no real attention and kissing me like I'm your mother isn't a turn on either. How hard is it to show me real affection? If you can't, then why are you still here?

I've had all kinds of horrible things done to me so that we can maybe have kids. Have you hugged me? No. Have you asked how I really am? Not really. It hurts. Really damn hurts. It's soul-destroying and embarrassing. And you don't seem to care.

You talk to me like I'm in your way. But you can also be so caring and when you ACTUALLY relax, you're wonderful. But you don't ever do that unless you're drunk. It's no way to live.

Which is why I've ended up in an affair. Wasn't planned - keep trying to end it. Not even sure how he feels about me, which is even more isolating at times. But he makes me feel alive - and he wants me. Really wants me and shows me affection that you haven't for years. It's a recipe for disaster, I know it is. But I need to feel something other than desperate loneliness. I hate myself - for this, but also for being so weak that I put up with this relationship. But I love you.

So I'm stuck. Maybe I'm pathetic and weak and trying to have my cake, and eat it. All I want is for you to show me an ounce of real want for me - to show me that you give a shit.

Confession #3155

I sent in a confession last summer. When another man (a mutual friend of ours....someone you would never expect) looked at me and told me that he was attracted to me. That I was gorgeous and funny. Something that you had not done in all of our years together. That was nothing but a harmless verbal fling...that lasted for a few weeks. A flirty text here or there, but I knew nothing physical was going to come of it, and it didn't.

What I did not realize was that it was going to open the door for me to act on the negligence I'd been feeling from you for years. I didn't realize I'd start looking for attention and compliments everywhere I went. I didn't realize that I'd want to go out with my girlfriends just to have someone turn their head to look at me or to compliment me or to ask for my number. I drank too much last summer, to numb myself from the truth.....that I no longer loved you, but I never acted on any of those feelings with anyone else.

We have been married 8 years now...together for 10. I did love you early on. I was young and didn't know that each time you criticized me or laughed at me or made fun of my weight (which at 5'6" and around 130 lbs......WAS NOT FAT) that I would slowly pull away from you. You have spent our entire relationship criticizing my every move and wanting to control me. It's weird though, b/c it never felt abusive in an obvious way.

But now that I am older and wiser and ironically, in even better, I see that it was emotional abuse. It makes me so sad, b/c you are a wonderful father and provider. You know now that our marriage is in big trouble. You try so hard to never say a word and boy have I tested you just to see if you mean it. I still think you need more counseling and probably an anti-depressant, but I know you are trying.

What I do not know is that if I can ever love you again. Not the way I need to in order to stay in this marriage forever. It makes me so sad....because we have 2 beautiful children together. We have a lovely home, nice cars, and plenty of money in the bank. But it is not enough for me to stay. I don't want to leave now, but instead of looking for attention this summer, I have slowly started to plan my departure. I begged you to listen to me, to love me unconditionally for years....but you either wouldn't or couldn't. I still have hope that something might change for us, but deep down, I feel like I have known for quite some time that this thing wouldn't last.

Almost a year ago I turned to the one man I loved before you. He was unavailable 15 years ago and he still is. I do not feel good about my actions, but he has shown me more love and affection than you ever have. He has reminded me of what I deserve to feel everyday. I'm sure many will say that it is just the normal course of any normal affair, but it is not. We will never be together, I know this. It breaks my heart, b/c I love him again and realize that I did back when I was young too. I can say whatever I feel, be whoever I am and he loves me through it all. He is not going to leave his family and I will not leave you, or mine for him either. I just wish that somehow, you could have seen what you had right in front of you for all those years.

I have spent a decade doing everything imaginable to make you love me. I have dieted, sought counseling, used anti-depressants......everything. And I know now, that the problem was never me.

And now, I have gotten myself in way over my head....b/c I am not dumb enough to think that my feelings for him aren't affecting my ability to love you again. I guess the sad thing is....I just don't know that I want to anymore. I want to feel loved unconditionally.....yes, just as I do with him. And yes, I know it is easy to do that in an "affair" b/c you never have to deal with reality. and no....I am not in search of the kind of infatuated love that happens in the beginning of any relationship. And yes, I know your actions are no excuse to make the decision that I have made over the last year.

I never expected to be my age.....with such sadness in my heart. I will end this affair regardless of what happens with us. I will not see him if I end up single, b/c he is not the answer. But what he gives me and has given me is. Unconditional love, affection, kindness and support. It is a powerful drug and one that caught me completely off guard.

I'm not even angry anymore. I am sorry for my sins against our marriage.....but mostly....I am sad. Sad b/c deep down, I know the truth. And my truth is that I don't love you anymore and likely, never will again.

Confession #3156

Dear love,
Its been 2 weeks since the night we agreed to be friends who see eachother every so often casually. We did this bc of your new department you got transferred to in the pd. 20 hour days are not relationship friendly I know this you know this but it still kills just the same even worse maybe because we still want to be together! I know this is something you've always wanted and its the chance of a lifetime 4 you so I can't and won't hold you back. I don't want to be the reason you have regrets in life, but I also know with out a doubt we are perfect 4 eachother in every way, so to give you up is crushing! I only hope that one day soon we can move forward again as a couple get married grow old together and sail around the world!!! My heart feels empty with out you Come back to me soon!!
All my heart,
Your shooting star

Confession #3157

I love who you are, support you at dificult times and appreciate who you are. But you always shouting at me for not doing things your way. You always think your mama is great and best. I am nothing as compared to her. I did my best to cook for you but I seldom really compliments. I always had to be accomodating and go out with your parents but you unwillingly to go out with my parents!
You always talk bad things about my parents, this hurts me. I admit I treat badly to your parents before but it becasue they are demanding. They demand and expect to accompany them to go out every weekend when I just want some precious moment with you and the kids. BUt this is seldom fulfilled. If you go out with me and the kids, it unwillingly. You love your prents to go with you. When my parents go out with us andthe kids, you will make excuses to go back early. This is unfair.

I wanted to have sex with you but it limited to few times per YEAR. Why? It is because you are exhausted? Or me unattractive?

Confession #3158

I think Robert Browning had it right when he wrote that famous poem. I'm glad chivalry isn't dead, and that we both know we're meant to be together. I'm glad that we have that elusive "true love" that so many people are looking for : an old-soul relationship like Nancy and Ronald Reagan and other people who were married heart, mind, and soul. It bugs the fire out of me that you don't keep the lawn mowed as often as you should, and that you leave your clothes on the floor by your side of the bed, and like video games, but I think after 8 years of marriage that is a really great list, and none of those things come even close to being major issues. I'm glad your mother has common sense and is realistic enough to not be nosy, but is such a kind and compassionate person (maybe where you got it). I'm glad you have the traits that are good in my Dad, but not his personality or problems with dishing out verbal and emotional abuse. I'm glad you're a good listener and try to understand when I tell you about things. I'm glad you are most happy when I am happy and vice versa, and that you have that rare quality of being a truly good lover and never rushing or being selfish. I'm glad I can trust you and when something comes up that causes you trouble, you tell me so that I can hold you accountable. I'm glad you're willing to work to keep our relationship strong and not afraid of commitment. I'm glad we did what we knew was right and created a strong friendship before allowing ourselves to get involved so that when we go through "dry spots" we still love one another's company and companionship. I'm glad you want to have children because the world is painfully lacking men like you, and women who require them. Most of all, I'm glad you're you.

Confession #3159

I am sorry that I set up a trap for you to fall into, and then blew up at you when you did what you thought I wanted you to do. It wasn't fair, and I am sorry. I am so glad we can talk about it - rationally - and I could apologize to you. I love you, and old patterns are hard to correct, but I think we can just keep trying. Thank you for loving me - when I feel very unloveable.

Confession #3160

Dear Co-worker,

When you requested we be FB friends I accepted. When I found out my job was being off-shored and you specifically would be doing my job and I had to train you, I remained your friend. When I posted on my status that I was "disappointed and scared" over loosing my job (never mentioning the company name nor saying anything remotely unprofessional nor defaming to the company), and you told the execs in NYC causing them to jump to erroneous conclusions, then I un-friended you.

Next time, perhaps you should stick with facts instead of letting people jump to conclusions based on your innuendo. Maybe if you did that, then the execs wouldn't need to apologize later. Just a suggestion.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

True Wife Confessions 32 water freezes

Confession #311

I love you more than anything in this world. You are my love, and I know that I will be with you until we are old and gray. I try to be good and sweet but I fucking hate your mother and can't stand that you talk with her twice a day, everyday! I know why you do it, I truly understand, but that doesn't matter to me at all. I can hardly stand to be in the same room when you talk with her cause she makes me spitting mad with her random stupidity! How did you ever come out of a fucked up home such as the one your mother created? I hate when she comes to visit and I count down the days until she is gone. If you ever let her stay with us as long as last time, I will find every possible thing to do away from the house so that you will have to manage with her all by yourself. I promise. You have made me promise that if anything ever happened to you that I would take care of her, well, Baby, sometimes I just don't know if I will be able to keep my end of the bargain.

Confession #312

Sometimes I am struck dumb by the fact that I got a fantastic mother-in-law as well as the amazing son she raised.

Confession #313

I am so thankful that I "manage" the finances because you will never know that the reason things are so tight now is that we are paying for my 4 month stint with an online gambling addiction!

Confession #314

Guess what? I do not like having sex with you. Contrary to what your MOTHER told you, size does matter. I understand that you had a birth defect, but there are times when I can't believe that for the rest of my life I will be having sex with a man who's penis is literally an inch and a half long. AN INCH AND A HALF! And keeping the lights off during sex does not mask the problem. I love you with all my heart, but I hate your tiny penis.

Confession #315

I wasn't dropping off documents at "Mike's", we were following around and doing drugs.

Confession #316

I really hate it that when I look around our room, I
see a hamper in the corner. And that on the floor,
less than 4 inches from that hamper are your dirty
underwear. About 6 inches from that, some raunchy
socks. And a t-shirt. I've seen you play basketball,
so I know you understand the concept. HIT THE BASKET.
How 'bout for each time you score a basket with your
dirty laundry, you score in bed? Bet we still only
have sex once or twice a month!!!

Confession #317

Just stop bitching. I love you. You are a wonderful, handsome man and a good
father. We had our bad times in the past but now things are good. We have a
wonderful life. Our kids are beautiful. We have a great home in a nice
neighborhood. We have decent jobs. Why do you bitch about everything??? We
went on vacation last week and our twelve year old asked me why you complain
about everything. Just stop it. You are driving me crazy.
Confession #318

Whenever I meet any of your friends I have dreams about having sex with them because sex with you is so routine and boring, I dream of a man who will initiate sex with me instead of making me ask. We're in our 20's why am I only getting some one or twice a month if I leave it to you???? We don't even have any kids.....

Confession #319

In all the years we have been together you have never once told me that my body turns you on. You always seem to point out women that look good. You don't realize how many years I have suffered inside. You tell me that my face is so beautiful and my inside person is so good but I don't fucking want to hear that. I want to hear that I look good and know that when you close your eyes you are thinking of me. Not of the woman that you undressed with your eyes earlier that day. Or the friend of mine that is nice and in shape. Why did you marry me if you wanted to change me so much? It is sad that when we have sex I get off by thinking about you and that girl you told me to look at in the store. Because I feel you are screwing someone else and not me...

Confession #320

I thought I would feel bad about cheating, but I felt cheated that it was bad

I love my belly dance lessons but I never intend to dance for you

you are very good in bed, very good

when you take over cooking supper in the middle of it because it dawns on you that I am monitoring our child in the shower, folding laundry, cooking supper, and cleaning up the living room; don't stop cooking supper

when you have a day off and I have to work, stay out of the bathroom, stay out of the kitchen, as a matter of fact stay in bed until I am gone

If you refer to watching our child as babysitting one more time when you talk to your friends; when I get home I am going to pay you and ask you to leave. You aren't babysitting you are parenting!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

True Wife Confessions 315 gumballs in a machine

Confession #3141

I love you so much. I know it's not your fault you have to be in Afghanistan. I know you didn't want to go, that you never wanted to go. I know you call me every chance you get, and I know you're counting down the days until you can come home to me, just like I am. But sometimes, even though I try so hard not to, I still feel angry. Angry that you're gone for so long, angry that I'm here by myself, angry that I spent our first wedding anniversary without you. I don't know how not to be angry about these things. Most of all, I'm angry that you never tell me how you feel over there, even when I ask. I know you have to feel something. I would rather hear how you're doing, really doing than listen to a list of tasks you completed on a particular day. When we only have ten minutes to talk on the phone once a week, it's important to know what emotions you're experiencing. Because sometimes, I feel angry because I'm afraid you might not feel anything at all. And me? I feel everything. Sad, scared, angry, depressed, listless, small, weak, pitiful. If you think I need you to be the strong one, to pretend everything is fine so that I don't worry, that's not true. I just need you to still be you. Please still be you, now and when you come back to me.

Confession #3142

I broke your heart today. It is the last thing I wanted to do. I did love you very much and I know after everything your love for me was unwavering. I am trying to convince myself that ending this three year relationship was the best thing for the both of us. Things were great.. as long as I never asked you (in as nice way possible) to help with chores or pick up after yourself. You know my life's dream was to travel but every time I even mention a place I would like to go one day you immediately sigh at me and get irritated. I didn't like your lack of foresight You have a $50,000 school loan that you have no intention to pay back. Don't you see how that will ruin everything? You wouldn't be able to finance anything like a house or even college for your future children. I tried to nicely suggest a cleaning schedule so you could help me, but you immediately started shouting at me. I'm tired of mopping up your piss around the toilet bowl. I'm tired of the piles of clothes around the apartment and garbage everywhere. I'm tired of you accusing me of cheating on you every week even though I have never done so.

But you did love me and I loved you, and when you started shouting at me that day I realized I couldn't even sit down and talk to you about things that concerned me. I was never able to. I just hope that I am right to end it. I am an odd girl and you loved me for it. I don't think anyone else will. All in all... I hope you find someone who loves you and wants to take care of you, and have your children. When you look at your first born baby in the eyes I hope you see that it is the best day in your life and you couldn't have had it with me. There will always be a special place for you in my heart. I hope you treat this as a new beginning, and not an opportunity to become even more bitter. I love you until the day I die.

Confession #3143

for the husband of my heart; my one and only fish, my Boyo, whom I live with now: I love you so much. You are my friend, lover and soul mate; I feel safe (and very hot!) with you. I know you'll always be there for me. (This sounds so cliched) You have healed so much in my life. I am forever grateful.

Confession #3144

to my (thankfully) EX of five years:

When I first thought about doing this, I worried that it would be PAGES long: there were just so many things I was angry about. But as time has passed, I find i am no longer interested in complaining about your coldness, your lack of interest in me for 20 years of marriage, your blaming me for everything that went wrong and calling any request, be it ever so politely phrased "character assassination." I no longer care about those things. there is one thing i will not forgive you for. You intentionally and systematically alienated our daughters during the divorce. These are the children who were the whole point, you realize, for me marrying such a humorless, unimaginative and emotionally unavailable - not to mention sexually unavailable - in the first place. I wanted a child (you had no opinion, really) and T was born. Five years later when I got pregnant again you fought me tooth and nail until I miscarried. Two failed pregnancies later, I had S, thanks little to you and mostly to my own feeling that I had to make some sense of the bitter thing that was our marriage. I mothered and cared for them; the happiest times of my life (before now) are when I was raising them. I love my daughters more than I have ever loved anyone. You might have come to love them - as much as such a smug, self-righteous son-of-a bitch can love anyone - but i wanted them before they existed. Of course I made mistakes, but not from lack of love. They were 21 and 14 when we separated. "I'll take them with me," you snarled when I told you I wasn't moving, you were; I wanted to stay in the house where I'd raised them.

I remember when the younger daughter was being a bitchy teen, around the time just before you finally moved out - I knew she was upset about something andI wanted to talk to her but you refused to let me(!). When I insisted you sat in on the conversation and I still remember (you can bet she does too) you screaming at me "She doesn't have to listen to this!" which effectively ended the conversation. I decided not to pursue that because I could see how miserable she was. I worked hard to keep connected with her despite you badmouthing me at every chance. Her sister is older and saw through this fairly quickly (I didn't raise stupid children) but S is too young and too vulnerable and you succeeded with her. When I couldn't afford to live in the town where S went to school you agreed to let me see her in your house when you were out of town (the only time I ever saw her; fortunately it was quite a lot of the time, good parent that you are. (Yeah,I know; you called her on her cell every day.) then as soon as I had moved you changed your mind and said you had "been advised" it might not be "legal" for me to spend time with my 15-year old daughter in your house and I was reduced to inviting her for dinner every other month or so. And she was left lone while you went to conferences and visited your girlfriend.

S has had many difficulties in the time you have been the primary parent; the worst being when she had a nervous breakdown you failed to mention until she was actually in treatment. I don't blame all this on spite for me, although there is clearly a lot of that. Most of it is just your pig-headed conviction that if it works for you and doesn't cause you any trouble, it must be right. S is very mature; she can take car of herself. if she doesn't talk to anyone about anything, that's convenient since you really don't have time, emotional inclination or parenting skills to talk to her anyway. Fortunately, S has an intelligent and caring older sister, plus a good "alternate family." I love her and am still devastated by the rift between us. Maybe if you had given her some of the affection and care she I wasn't allowed to, I might eventually get over this. As it is, I will never forgive you.

Confession #3145

This would be my first confession. Im not even sure on where to begin, i have so much to say, so much to write, so much emotions that im going through.Ive known my husband for over ten years and things were good at the beginning but once i moved in with him, it was a whole different story. You learn so much about each other and you wished you never moved in or gotten married.... So move on to 8 years later, we are married with two kids, I can honestly say life has gotten so difficult that no one expects it. The love that once was there is all gone, the communication is gone. He really is a nice guy and supports us financially but that's it. Im pretty enough for guys to check me out but my husband doesn't even glance my way.Im young, pretty, fit, great personality (i feel like im selling myself here), im funny and i get along with so many people but not my husband. We do argue more than anyone i know that is if we are communicating, I have a high sex drive and he doesn't so im always being left out in the cold. I need more than life. I have been feeling this for the past two years now. Our life has not moved on, yes we have two kids but i need more in life. I need the excitement of seeing someone that you love, the connection that you only can get from a loving spouse. I need a house, i need to hear the "i love you" at least once in a while. I would love the hear i miss you, im thinking of you, what the hell just let me hear something besides 'can you do me a favor'. No screw you and your favore. So to my husband, you are a fucking slob, too lazy to pick up your dirty socks off of my kitchen counter, too lazy to pick up your dirty underwear from the bathroom, too lazy to look at me, too lazy to kiss me good bye or hello, but not lazy enough to ask for dinner or to mention your thirsty. I would love a break, I need a break from you because im so fed up with life. When i look at you I feel nothing, I do not feel like a wife but a roommate, I doubt this will last forever....

Confession #3146

7 months ago I found out you were cheating on me, by going through your texts since you had been acting so strange. You tried to deny it with a smile on your face and laughing, telling me I was crazy but I knew better. Then you finally fessed up and said we were done. I spent 8 years doing everything for you, taking care of the kids, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner every night, you always had clean clothes and your uniforms were ironed. I put my life on hold and moved every time the military demanded it. Moving 7 times in 8 years was not fun. Nor was raising the kids alone while you were gone for 10 months straight TWICE while you voluntarily deployed to Iraq. You treated me awful while I was pregnant with our daughter and you were in Iraq, because you didn't want another kid, and was mad that it was a girl. It takes TWO people to make a kid, I can't help it that the hormones in birth control didn't agree with me and that you refused to use a condom. So now you are in another state and blaming me for our financial trouble....the problem that you created! All those bills that are racking up- all you. I barely have enough money for groceries and gas every payday but you can spend $345 in four days in ATM withdrawls. Who knows where that is going. But now, you are going to Afghanistan to 'get the debt paid down and get rid of me'. Someday the kids are going to see you for what you are. Taking them for 4 hours is not 'taking them for the day'. You want to go out and have fun with them and bring them back to me like they aren't your responsibility also. They are still our kids, you need spend time with them. And I really mean it when I ask you not to bring your whore around them. You and the whore sleeping in the same bed when our kids are staying the weekend with you is NOT ok! She shouldn't be there in the first place, spend time with her on your own time, not the kids time! Don't worry, she is ten years younger than you, I am sure she will get sick of your crap soon enough. Oh, and as for trying to move your pay deposit and not giving me enough to support and take care of our kids? Well, my lawyer and the military will have something to say about that. I know it burns your butt that I haven't 'worked' for the last 8 years, but taking care of the kids is a full time job, and the fact that you can't take care of them, your apartment and cook for a weekend should tell you something! I would be heartbroken for my kids, but I don't know if I want you to make it back from Afghanistan. You have made my life hell and I am ready to move on.

P.S. You really should answer the phone when I call. You would never know if there was an emergency with the kids if you don't answer, and NO I will NOT text you in the event of an emergency because I am sure I will be otherwise occupied! Besides, it's not like I call to harass you like you do to me!

Done with you and your bull

Confession #3147

If I have slipped away to a little-used guest room to read a novel with the door closed, I might be able to listen to your hopes, dreams, worries, and concerns about the mosquito bite on your shoulder but I doubt I can do it without the annoyed look on my face. GO AWAY.

Confession #3148

about 80% of the time I hate you. I hate you for your illness and I hate that you are such a selfish prick. You say you love me, but nothing you do on a regular basis shows you have any respect for me in a practical way. I do 99% of the things in the house. Would it KILL you to cook when you know I hate it? So that instead of coming home from a 10 hour work day that dinner was cooking instead of me having to put my bags down and get out pots and pans? Could you put a f-ing dish in the dishwasher? Get off your ass and DO SOMETHING. I work. I don't care that you don't, but it seems like you might feel the tiniest bit of guilt over the fact that I work 50-60 hours a week and still do the laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. But it is not worth my time to tell you any of this, because it just makes my life more miserable. The idea of you pouting around being a wounded big two-year-old is completely not worth it. Besides, you would probably f-up what you did anyway..... you don't like stress, right? God forbid the least little amount of stress enter YOUR life. God forbid you have to fill out a FORM or something. You are like being married to a 12 year old. I frequently wish you would just die. Your health sucks anyway. Just go. You smoke like a flippin chimney, so let's just get it over with. You know why I don't nag you to quit? Cause I'm ALL FOR IT. Smoke away ass-hole. Shave another 10 years off my sentence. I frequently wish you would have been successful in your bid to kill yourself. My bad luck. Ah well. I am detached. You do whatever the hell you want. I have a full up life and refuse to let your sad-sack self drag my ass down.

Confession #3149

You are so handsome when you smile - really smile. I remember the man I fell in love with when I see you like that.

Confession #3150

ok, i'm really starting to resent you, dear husband. i don't think you realize how difficult it is to be alone with 5 week old infant and 2 dogs 20+ hours a day. you go to work at 7pm and get home around 8am. then you walk the dogs and go to bed and sleep until around 3:30 or 4pm. then you get up, walk the dogs again, eat, shower, and go back to work. sure, i know you have a tough schedule too (and i appreciate that you work hard so i can stay home with our son), but at least you get to sleep. i'm up all night long feeding our son and changing his diapers. i get to sleep maybe 2 hours at a time IF I'M LUCKY. and when i complained about being tired you actually said, "maybe YOU should go to work and I'LL stay home" i guess you think taking care of an infant (with absolutely zero help at all) is easier than dealing with stupid fucking retards who go to the ER for stupid fucking shit that doesn't even warrant going to the fucking work in a country bumpkin ER, not a big city ER where they actually get patients with serious issues. sorry, but i think my "job" is harder than yours is. i'm lucky if i can finish feeding our son his bottle without falling asleep and dropping the bottle on him sometimes. i'm lucky if i can take a shit in peace, or wolf down a bowl of cereal, or shower! and you never have to listen to our son scream...and boy, can he scream! and you don't have to try to make dinner and keep our son from screaming at the same time. i swear, if i WAS single, i would just eat cocoa krispies for every damn meal. i never even feel like eating the dinners i cook for you...i'm too fucking tired to eat! and you go to work and get to talk to other people. i socialize with our son and our dogs...don't get me wrong, they are all pretty good company (mostly when they are all being quiet and calm). in fact, they are all probably better company than you are. you have also said SEVERAL TIMES, "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED A KID." holy fucking shit...if i hear that one more time, FISTS ARE GOING TO FLY!!! sometimes i feel like packing up the van with our son and the dogs and just driving back to nj where i have family and friends. i am not enjoying feeling like a single mother with a roommate who is never here. and i've been doing this BY MYSELF ever since getting home from having the weren't even here to help me out when i was trying to recover! the one time when i did wake you up to take care of our son so i could attempt to get SOME sleep you got all pissy with me! WTF??? you might as well go out and get yourself a girlfriend if you want to have sex ever again too because i'm too fucking tired and i didn't ever enjoy it before anyway...i only did it to try to keep you i don't care about keeping you happy...i just want to sleep when i can and try to keep SOME of my sanity...

Friday, August 06, 2010

And in other news...

If any of you reading are interested, I am currently at BlogHer 2010.

Where I am not only rocking some seriously hot dresses and shoes, but also here as one of the Finalists for
BlogHer's Voice of the Year for my home blog, I am doing the Best I can.



Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Envisage Year 3

It’s that time again: Envisage 365, a daily photo project blog run by and for women, is gearing up for its—can you believe it?—third year, and is opening up the roster for participants once again.

You can see for yourself how Envisage works by visiting the current year’s website here: Envisage 2009-2010 or get more info about the details of participation by emailing Sarah, the project founder and leader, at

Like a fine wine, this project just keeps getting better over the years! Don’t miss out on what is going to be our best year yet; if you’re female-identified and interested in participating for the 2010-2011 go-round, send your inquiries to Sarah at the above email address by August 20, 2010 and prepare to start sending your photos in starting September 1, 2010. We look forward to “meeting” you!

Many of you now that I am involved with this project, and have been since the first year. I hope to continue into year 3, given my workload and other life situations. 

I have exclaimed my love of this project frequently. In a time when women can say that they don't identify as "Feminist", I can think of nothing more empowering than watching a group of women - virtual strangers - in their lives over the course of a year.  It is, possibly, the most feminist project I have seen run in a longitudinal manner. 

In substance, most of us have nothing in common.Different cultures,  Different races, Different sexual orientations, Different educational backgrounds and income levels. Some are married, some divorced, some happily Not married at all. Some have kids at home, others have adult kids and some have "fur babies". 

It is not a rah-rah club for stereotypes about women. It is not a contest to prove who is better at parenting or losing weight. It is a raw and at times painfully honest look at the lives of women. 

I won't lie. We sometimes get into tiffs on the group - especially in the first months of every new year. I told Sarah it is the "growing pains' of new members of our family coming in. Yes, Some photos bother some members. Some members are more comfortable with their sexuality and it's various expressions than others. We try to listen to each other and work a middle path that does not censor anyone's voice, while still discussing things we need to talk about. Some people choose to leave the project, and that is OK. It's not for everyone.

There is very little that is considered off limits, but disrespect is one of them. If you can't accept that other women do not live their lives like you do - be that sexuality, religion, marital status, politics or any other label and role that a women fills - than this is not the project for you. If you are ready to perhaps be challenged as to Who Women Are, than by all means, please join us.

Oh, and if you have not read Danielle's AMAZING post about why she identifies as a Feminist, do it.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

True Wife Confessions 314 cicadas singing

Confession #3131

When my mom was dying, I trusted you to take care of the kids, and yourself. What I didn't expect (since this was not the first time you'd been left with the kids), was that you would fall completely apart. You called me every night being whiney, complaining of chest pains, and how "hard" it was doing "all the kidstuff".

I was spending every second I could with my mom, and yet, you were constantly calling me. You did not stay at practice with our son, OR arrange for someone else to stay, even though that was a requirement. You did not go to our daughter's OPENING night. You told the son you had to be with the daughter, and told the daughter you had to be with the son. Instead, they both ended up alone. You are the adult. I am not saying you don't have feelings and concerns, but YOU are the grown up. YOU should have been comforting them. Their granny was dying, and I was in a scary place for them.

Instead? You just played video games or slept. You didn't interact with them at all. You did not clean, EVEN BASIC cleaning. The kids actually called me complaining about the house. You did not cook. Often left the kids to their own vices. You went to bed before they did, did not enforce bed times. You can not leave kids that young to their own vices!!

You went to the hospital with a panic attack, and cost us hundreds of dollars because you thought you were having a heart attack (You KNOW that wasn' t the case, you've had panic attacks before).

When I got home? The house was a wreck. I mean a nasty health hazard wreck. Gnats everywhere, all through the house. The only cleaning done had been done by the kids. I came in after 2 weeks of caring for my dying mother, lifting her, turning her, washing her, being on my feet or in an uncomfortable hospital chair for 12+ hours a day, and a goofed up flight, to having to clean the house, with bleach. (And on my best day? I am in constant pain, and because I am a mom, I don't take narcotics.)There was even an inch of cat litter on the bathroom floor. EW.

It has been a year, and I am still hurt and angry. Each time the collectors call for your medical bill, I get angry all over again. In two weeks time you lost your kids respect, and mine. When we try to talk to you about it, you go defensive and imply that the kids should have done more to help you. Perhaps they could have, but YOU ARE THE ADULT! The resentment that has built for them in the time since, is going to be hard to undo, because you are now resentful of them too, as though they betray you by not being little grown-ups.

I love you. I do. I want this to be behind us. However, if you continue to be so resentful, I will leave. Period. I do not deserve to live like this. The children do not. YOU do not. Please get your act together.

Confession #3132

I love my daughter but sometimes want my old life back. Don't think am mother material. I find lots of things a struggle when they shouldn't be. I have put on loads of weight and feel disgusted in myself. Have no sex drive. Husband understanding - says I don't disgust him which is nice. I used to have such self control and discipline - not any more - am like a leaf in the wind. Am trying to get healthy have joined WW, got all the manuals and not read a word as yet. Am on medication and getting counseling but gonna take time to break these habits and get my old self back - however she is. This is all I have to say hate talking about myself it seems self - indulgent and attention seeking

Confession #3133

I do the best I can and have done for 18 years, 10 of which we have had children. You are pessimistic, cynical and antisocial. I am opptimistic, positive and social. You are miserable, angry and stressed out permanently. You have smoked dope for most of your adult life and suffer from depression, (what comes first the chicken or the egg? dopey). You want to be the boss in the house and have control over our domestic life. You speak to our 7 year old soon like rubbish, call him an idiot and a dickhead and go off your head when he comes in for a cuddle on the weekend, by screaming "Get Lost!", nice. You criticise everything I do and say, passively agressively. You think you are always right and that smoking dope every single night, sometimes 3 or 4 times is not an issue. You have health problems and have been told that if hyou don't stop smoking or being so stressed you will have a stroke. We go away for our anniversary ( the 2nd time in 10 years) for one night and you don't even hold my hand when we are walking to the restaurant or out and about. You never say you love me and call me Grandma every night when I say I am going to bed. You will not go out for a date night and when we have gone out with other friends or family members you speak to everyone like rubbish and make everyone miserable. ( that has only happened 2 times this year) and only then you made sure you made me cry and upset before and during each event to punish me for asking you to go out as a family. You walk out of the house every morning without saying goodbye to anyone. This is no life, no way to have a family life and no way to have a marriage, I hate you so much. And I can't believe you have gotten away with it for so long. I am scared about starting seperation but what other choice do I have?. I can't stay with you anymore.

Confession #3134

To my husband:

You are a wonderful husband. I am so lucky to have met you. We have a beautiful daughter that you are an amazing father to. When you're at work all day I think the sweetest thoughts about you. I count my blessings. I count the minutes until you return home each day. And then I bitch and moan about everything. I never want to have sex. I hardly let you touch me and I'm rarely affectionate. I have no idea what my problem is. You're going to get fed up one day, I know it. Why wouldn't you? But I love you deeply and I'm sorry I don't show you.

Confession #3135

I started an affair in October last year, I thought it was just about the sex.
Now its been 9 months and I have fallen in love.
Thats the reason why I hate spending time with you.
Thats the reason why I don't come home after work.
Thats the reason why I can't look you in the eye.
Thats the reason why I don't tell you I love you anymore.
Thats the reason why I want to tell you that I will leave you.
But WHY can't I tell you that I want a divorce and be with HER?

Confession #3136

Truth be told I'm madly in love with you and I wonder every single day since the day you asked me where you could find the hoses what I did to get so lucky! I can see that you feel the same, ill tell you soon, but in a funny way I like not saying those 3 little words bc your actions are saying it for you, and just 4 the record, you are the only man I want to wake up to for as long as I keep waking up!

Confession #3137

After 13 and a half years, I wish that I could appreciate all you do and the father you are to our 3 kids. I'm too busy focusing on everything you don't and have never done for me. I know I sound ungrateful and jealous. I'd never take you away from the kids for a second but I wish SO much that you had a better balance and the ability to not say the WORST possible thing to me in any given situation, every fucking time. I love you and you are a wonderful daddy but you really suck as a husband.

Confession #3138

You used to think I didn't love you because I wasn't interested in sex. Now that I am, you say you've never felt so loved. That's ironic because the reason I'm so horny lately is because I've been exchanging erotic emails with an old friend. Your old friend.

Confession #3139

why do I fantasise about my 30 year old, six foot four, all muscle personal trainer? He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.When I'm training with him I am so distracted I can't take in the instructions he is giving me! Am I selfish and self absorbed? All my friends tell me how much you love me and how lucky I am to have you and I want to love you exclusively but some how I can't live up to this ideal. My personal trainer doesn't give a damn about me and I am not stupid enough to ever think he would but seeing him energises me. I never think of him when I have sex with you - that would make me feel terrible - but I am so conflicted. When we went away alone together without the children for the first time in seven years we had a lovely, loving, sexy time together and I thought you would want to do that again as much as I did. But you just said it was too hard. Maybe if you just acted as though you wanted to spend time with me and that it was not a chore my personal trainer would vanish from my thoughts. Then again, maybe not. The trainer is sooo hard to resist!

Confession #3140

Dear Husband of 15 years,

You're an asshole. You're a creep. You're an idiot.

I discovered last year how much of one you are. You have been cheating on me/us since day one with married and single women, with prostitutes, and possibly with men as well. You had the audacity to inform me that with two of these women you led them to believe that you were going to divorce me, marry them; so they could be your new wife and mother to our 5 children. Both of these women you confessed were prostitutes. The reason you told me you wanted to marry them was because they were pretty and had a job. What standing on the corner? You're 10 years older than me and these women were even younger than me. You're a pervert.

You're dirty. You smell. You rarely ever take a bath. You never brush your teeth. And most of the time you never shave. You're sick. And you wonder why. You look and smell like throw up and ass.

You preach to everyone that will listen how much of a good guy you are and that's why our children are so well behaved. You're stupid. You say how important it is to tell the truth and be truthful and seek the truth. You say you have morals and values, etc. You profess to be a Christian. You're a retard.

You're a coward.

Whatever I felt good for you has been destroyed. And somehow, our counselor told me, I was just to get over this. That you couldn't help it. That you were/are a sex addict. Both of you are full of SHIT.

The paycheck is nice though. I now have full control over all of it. Anything you pay her or is it him for a quickie bj in the parking lot will have to be with spare coin change that you accidentally find laying around. Good luck hunting for pennies! The kids and I will no longer go without because of your spending it on your selfish dirty self.

No one understands why I have stayed. I don't expect them to.

Happy 1st Discovery Anniversary - loads of sarcasm.

Here's to wishing you were dead instead,