Tuesday, June 24, 2008

True Wife Confessions 259 Exam Prep

Confession #2581

Well, that is how I always start conversations that I am not 100%$ sure about – WELL – second marriage, thought I was so dam in love, a few years go by, and nope, uh,un, this is not what I bargained for – I settled, and I am paying the price- but, did I have a real choice, being 37 yrs old, and my first hubby saying 'see ya, you cannot give me any children so buh bye-' it is over, and I was so scared, so I cozy up to the first man I had sex with and felt an attraction for – and now we are married and it is so not what I want, but what is love, really? I ask my sister who has been married for 34 years, “are you still in love with _(my bro in law)__? And she says, “what is love?” - is she quoting a Bob Marley so ng? I really want to know, goddam it!!!! I can’t ask my Mom bc she died 2 yearas ago, she was married to my Dad for 62 years --- was she happy, in a state of wedded bliss for all that time? Heck, no, but she stuck with it, most likely bc of me and my 3 siblings--- but they had something that I think is so rare now a days, that one would be extremely lucky to experience it – I sold out on my 2nd time around, I totally admit it, but I had my fingers crossed that it would be better than it really is ; better than the first one , you know? – oh well, live and learn – I just want to talk to somebody who may be in the same sort of predicament, or someone who needs to vent, to just talk it out; sometimes I feel sooo alone; my two close friends are miles apart from my reality, they are both dealing with their own lives, ( as we all are, I know...) managing their lives as best as they can for the time being… who wants t o talk? I need a friend – just someone to bounce things off of –

Hello? Anybody out there? Thank you for any input whatsoever-Or not- I just need someone to bounce things off of, and I have been to a shrink, and find them of not much consequence - I feel as though I am a cry baby to my only 2 friends left, and fear losing them bc of my issues with my mate and the need to talk about them --- :(

Confession #2582

Dear Husband,

When you tell me you’re too busy to go to my family reunions, on trips to visit either of our families, or to anything else involving family, I know you’re lying. I just pack up our kids and go anyways—it’s important for them to spend time with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And the kids and I always have a fantastic time. We miss you like crazy, and everyone asks about you, but we still have fun.

Confession #2583

I spoke to you on the phone today. For the first time in 14 years. It was the voice that still to this day if you showed up on my doorstep I couldn't tell you no. I never could. It is strange how I thought I had put you in my past, but all it took was a two minute conversation about nothing really important for you to consume my thoughts and heart. All of a sudden I was 19 again. Young, confident and loving every minute of it. I never thought I would feel that way again. Oh, how I love it! Please call me again! I promise I won't tell him if you won't tell her.

Confession #2584

In February you told me that you didn’t want to be married to me. This was something of a shock, since I thought we had been getting along really well. I know we’ve had a lot of problems – some that have lasted for years. And I know a lot of the 16 years we’ve been together, things have been shitty and hard. But I thought we were moving forward, into a good place. And then you told me you didn’t want to be married to me. That made my stomach hurt.

Well, I still feel kind of sick about it. But I realize that maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re done. Maybe we’ve been done for a long time. We tried therapy, but neither of us does more than talk for an hour with the therapist and then ignore the big giant mess for the next two weeks. And we haven’t been back since I walked out because you blamed me for not having a job and holding you back.

Which, by the way, fuck you. You hold yourself back. You and you alone. Nobody has every stopped you from taking classes and getting your degree, or looking for a job with a future. Only you. You can find hours and hours during the week to play video games or fantasy sports, but none for me or our amazing daughter or time to take classes and better yourself, like you keep saying you want to.

I know you’re mad at me for staying home with our kid, even though you emphatically agreed that one of us needed to be home. I know you’re also mad that I went ahead and got an M.A. and now am in law school, and am working full time this summer and will work part time next year. But you know what kills me? I got a scholarship for my M.A., so the whole thing ended up costing us like $2,000, which I've deferred, so you haven't paid shit. And law school? That $80,000 and counting I’ve taken out in student loans? That’s all on me, fucker. I wouldn’t take a cent from you to pay for it. So how that affects you is beyond me.

So now, you’ve decided you’re not quite sure if you want a divorce. Instead, you’re doing the things you want to do. Taking weekend trips. Golfing. Going to ball games and hanging out with your friends. And when I got a little upset about it, and said it made me sad that you would make plans with everyone else but me, and your answer was that you were sad that I didn’t make plans with my friends? Well, that was pretty much the end for me. I can’t fathom how you think that things are o.k. Or maybe you just don’t give a shit.

So now I’m sitting here on a Friday night, while you still aren’t home from golfing, trying to plan the next year of my life. I will finish school, and get an amazing job and take the bar and leave your stupid, sorry ass. I hope you like your bachelorhood when there isn’t a wife at home making sure the house is clean and there’s food in the fridge and your kid is being taken care of.

I hope you like your freedom, fucker.

Confession #2585

OMG Get up and do something!! Your ADD is driving me cray. You walk around in circles but do nothing!!!! I clean up your messes and your kids get you food. I don't care how much money you make, you do nothing for me and I am beginning to wonder what WOULD I do with out. Unless you are 400 feet underground and hanging with all the guys, you're not happy. I am a girl and would like to be treated as one, not just the screw to make you in a better mood. Oh yeah, I have to go now to get ready for your family and father's day. You know the family I can't stand. :)
Love? Me

Confession #2586

Dearest Husband,

I am not now nor have I ever professed to be perfect, but when we met I told you that I treat people the way that I want to be treated. If you feel that I have not done so, please tell me what I have done wrong and I will be happy to correct it. The way you have been treating me lately is not the way I treat you, you have become selfish, verbally abusive, and apathetic towards our marriage and our home.

We have been fighting for months, having the same arguments over and over again. I can’t seem to communicate with you so I have asked you to find a marriage counselor. I asked YOU to find one so that when he/she tells you that you did something wrong, you can’t fault me for picking a bad therapist.

I’m not even sure if we will make it to therapy since your initial reaction was “Great, another expense.”, even though I told you that our marriage might not last the year. But in case we do make it to therapy, I want to start out by confessing that I am a bad wife.

I am a bad wife – because I have the audacity to defy my husband and not allow him to take out his frustrations on me when he blows up at the least little thing for which I am in no way responsible.

I am a bad wife – because I have the temerity to stick to the agreements we made when we were married seven years ago and follow through on paying the household bills on time and doing my weekly chores to the best of my ability and not doing them when I get around to them, doing half the job or refusing to do them at all like you have chosen to do.

I am a bad wife - because I selfishly took days off of work to sit by your bedside and nurse you through two pulmonary embolisms and waited on you hand and foot when you broke your ankle in three places (in the middle of us buying a house and moving), and not act like you who when I told you I was going to need to have an endoscopy done and would need you to drive me home because they were going to give me anesthesia and the first words out of your mouth were “Can’t your friend (blank) do it?”.

I am a bad wife – because I have the unmitigated gall to take control of my health and work diligently to lose 65 pounds in the past year (and will lose the other 35 and get down to my college weight) and not take a more self-destructive approach to my health like you do; a diabetic who is 150 pounds overweight, refuses to exercise and buys himself packs of oreos and will eat four ice cream bars in 15 minutes.

I am a bad wife – because I am weak enough to admit when I am wrong and don’t look for excuses or try and blame other people for my actions. Instead, I do my best to change my behavior.

I am a bad wife – because I have committed the unpardonable sin of putting the needs of my family/household above all others.

The thought of us divorcing and having to sell this house and start from scratch financially scares the living daylights out of me. But what scares me even more is the thought of being miserable the rest of my life. I love you but something has to give.

Confession #2587

I hate that I love you. I hate that I care about you. I hate that I am so dedicated and honest while you have unwarranted suspicions. I know that you love me... I can see it in your eyes when you look at me, I can hear it in your voice, I can tell by your actions, and I can tell by the way you always try to make me happy. But if you love me, why do you lie to me? You lied to me and kept secrets over the years and you're still doing it now. Over the years you've placed personal ads, you tell me you'll be one place when you're really somewhere else, you buy porn and hide it from me (why I don't know, because I like porn, too), and countless other things. I don't care if you place personal ads anymore. I don't care if you're meeting women. I'm at the point where I just don't care about anything you do anymore. I am just going to patiently wait to catch you cheating... because as of right now, I have no proof... only a feeling. One day you'll slip and that will be the day I feel completely justified in leaving you... that is, if I don't get so fed up before then I end up leaving anyway.

And I know you're keeping money from me - from our family - for bills that need to get paid. I was putting your credit card back into your wallet last week and found over $120 in there. Where did that come from? What are you spending it on?

I have no tolerance anymore for your insecurities, your short temper, your hatred of people in general, your lack of involvement around the house (but you have no problem bending backwards for others), I am tired of the lies and the secrets, but most of all, I hate how much it hurts to feel this way about someone I love.

But my love is fading... and I don't think it can be stopped.

Confession #2588

I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.

True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?

What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???

Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mother can be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...

My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.

I learned something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".

So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.

Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.

Confession #2589

I didn't write or call you this Mother's Day mom. Just didn't feel like pretending this year. You left us when we were six and four. Have you any idea how much that hurt? Have you any idea how much the world has hurt us in your absence? You call us maybe once or twice for the year if you feel like it and say you love us before you hang up. Do you really? It's been 22 years now. I'm all grown up now but my heart still feels this pain. The yearning to have you here in my life, the longing to have the love you have for your other two kids. You came to visit our country a few years ago. Would it have killed you to spend one night with us? I've heard of many cases where mothers go abroad to live but they still kept close contact with their children by calling, writing,visiting even sending them tickets to visit. What did we do wrong?How could you forsake your first born?
When I was seventeen you told dad to organize our passports to come visit you. I was sooo happy.... It never came to past. You never knew but I overheard you on the phone talking to dad. You said you wanted us to come.Your brother had an argument with you telling you how you had forgotten your two daughters.Dad said never mind him. Was that the only reason you asked us to come?
Growing up without you has been hell. No one to guide us, no one to shop for us, no one to nurture us. I had to be my own mother for myself and my sister.
Do you know that I cry every birthday because the one who gave birth to me isn't around to celebrate? Could you imagine how I felt on my wedding day when you weren't there?Do you know how I felt when the doctor told me I had polycystic ovaries and might be very difficult to get pregnant? Some people don't deserve the blessing of being a mother. I don't hate you, just wished that you loved me....

Confession #2590

I used your toothbrush and peed on it after you told me you wanted a divorce. In my head I kept hearing "Piss on you...."

Monday, June 16, 2008

True Wife Confessions 258 This American Life episode

Confession #2571

After we left church on Sunday you told me you were not going to ask me to marry you as long as everybody keeps bringing it up. What do you want me to do about it??? If you keep being ridiculous I am going to tell everyone I am not interested in getting married when they ask us about it! I bet that would halt the questions!

Confession #2572

yesterday...when we had sex...and after it was finished and i cried while i orgasmed...it wasn't for you. it was for him.

the pillow...i used it to muffle me saying his name, not yours.

i do love you...but i want him...

Confession #2573

Well, I am going back to therapy tomorrow. I am still so mad at you. Why did you do this thing and think you would get away with it. I know you didn't say that but what if you didn't get caught. I didn't do anything but be your wife and I am going to therapy. I am feeling paralyzed again and I told you I didn't trust you still and you are still ignoring me. Are you embarrassed or do you feel bad? I am sure it is both but you need to talk to me. I am looking at other men wondering what if... I haven't done this since I met you and now I feel guilty. Look at what you have done to my head.......OMG I just want to go back to the place I was happy and not questioning everything you do. I am wondering if you really were so innocent 10 years ago. Not good.

Confession #2574

You are a perfect husband. But you are not perfect for me and I will eventually leave you. I have to, because otherwise you will find out about all the shit I have done this past year and I don't want you to hurt you with that knowledge.

But since you will never read this, in the past year, here is what I did:

1. Kissed an Irishman
2. Got passed out drunk, had sex, and forced myself into believing it was date rape. Now I know it wasn't, and the biggest mistake I ever made was telling you about it because I have seen how much it destroyed you and that kills me.
3. Had sex with my female best friend, once while you were upstairs in bed waiting for me (and I will again)
4. Had Internet sex with my best friend's ex-boyfriend, who you also considered a friend (and I will again)

I think I will just keep doing worse and worse things to counterbalance the perfect life you have set up for us if I don't leave you.

Part of me does want to build that house with you and to have your children, and to continue to let you take care of me the way you have been doing. But only part.

I'm sorry. The only question left in my mind is when to tell you.

And I know you won't believe this soon, but I do love you, and I wish the evil bitch in me could go away but she won't.

It makes me sad to know that the evil bitch side of me has destroyed our marriage but she has and I need to leave and become one whole person again.

I will miss you and will mourn what could have been.

Confession #2575

You know how for the last 26 years I’ve whined about your propensity to be cheery in the morning? Now that menopause is hitting, I’m waking up at 4. Then you wake up at your standard 5 ( which I’ve never, ever understood……) well, hey! I’m grateful for the friendly company. I don’t know how long this will last. I truly want to sleep again, god almighty how I love sleep. But in the meantime, here’s a new dimension to our boring, long-term relationship that I kind of like. Insomnia has a huge silver lining for now. It’s nice of you to abandon your thousand year old routine to hang around for a few minutes. I especially appreciate it because I know how desperately important routine is for you. But that’s another confession--and a less up-beat one, too.

Confession #2576

When we met, I was overweight. Well, actually, I was goddam fat. You didn't seem to care. And then I lost a ton of weight (due to taking on an extra job, actually trying to lose weight, and being in love with you) and you seemed to like me even more. Then we got married and I got pregnant three months later and gained 110 pounds over the next nine months. Now our baby will soon be two years old, and I am still fat as hell. I weigh 280, and I feel really guilty and crappy about it. You never complain, never make any comments at all. Our sex life is okay; mostly I just take care of you. But I know it would be SO much better if I lose weight again. I really want to, for so many reasons....our sex life, my health, to not be a bad influence on our daughter, to be able to fit back into my cute clothes, to actually have a little self-esteem again..... But for some reason, I just can't get back on track. I'm too chicken to have bypass surgery or anything. I'm going to make another serious attempt at it. I know I can do it; I've done it before. I love that you aren't hard on me about it, but then again, maybe if you'd call me a "fat ass" or tell me I'm disgusting I could get motivated....

Confession #2577

I love you and the fact that you see a future and want to marry me. It makes me so angry that you are letting your daughter ruin your mood about it. She is 9. She will get over it. Even if you aren't with me, you will eventually be with someone. And what about her mother who is shacking up with some loser and her two other kids? She says that she is worried I will come between you guys when I think her mother did that a long time ago.

Confession #2578

I know we aren't meant to be married. It's been almost 10 years, but I keep ignoring the obvious because you are truly an all-around nice guy. You help with the house and the kids, you work hard to keep us comfortable, and your material needs are relatively few. We just lack the passion that should be in a marriage, and have lacked it from the very beginning. I thought that things would get better over time, but it's just not happening.

I'm starting to feel that this situation is starting to take an ugly turn. Every time I'm in the car by myself, I picture getting into a horrific car accident. I've even contemplated what it would be like to drive my car into a tree, full speed. Injuries and death fill the quiet space in my head. I'm being consumed with these thoughts of "escape", and I think it's because it's the only way I can think of to get away from you. Do normal people have these thoughts? Most likely, no. Then I think that I wish YOU would be the one to have an accident so that I could finally be free and move on.

Confession #2579

I met you when I was 14. You approached me as if I was the most beautiful person you had ever seen. I often wondered why. I though that it was just a fluke and you were just being nice to me. In high school you were the popular boy /the pretty boy who had girls flocking to you by the hand full. Still you wanted me and I often wondered why. I was shy, naive, innocent, and afraid and my home life was depressing. I had low self-esteem. You were confident, happy, funny, and smart and the list goes on. We had a on and off again relationship for years. Your parents told me that you wanted to marry me right out of high school; you said you wanted to marry me. You told my parents that you wanted to marry me. I thought that we were going to be married. I had no doubt in my mind. You were my first everything. You mother told me that the reason that you would always come back to me was because I let you make mistakes and not hold it against you. You knew that I was what you wanted. I guess we were all wrong.

Fast forward 6 years. Early 20’s we lost contact during this time. No, you lost contact during this time. I would run after you and the calls became les and less until there were none. I still lived at the same address, had the same phone number. You could have contacted me if you wanted to. I had heard that you had gotten married, even though you say that it was not for love you still did it. I can not tell you how devastated I was. I did not understand. What happened? What did I do? How could you? How dare you? So I felt that I had no choice but try and move on. This was not my plan. You were the reason that I wanted to get up in the morning. You were all I though about, but I couldn’t have you. Was I that easy to forget? 5 years later I found someone else and got married.

Fast forward 11 years. Still married, three kids and I run into you. Damnit!!! You say that you still love me and I was the one. You say that your marriage was a mistake and it was not for love. I was the poster girl for being against people who cheat in a relationship, married or not. I have learned that you don’t know yourself until you have been tested and should never say never or judge someone for the decision they have made because you don’t know what you will do until you are in it.

You claim that you have not married because you could not see yourself marrying anyone else but me and would have thought that I would have done the same. Why? Why do you insist that you marrying someone else does not count? You also have kids.

We had an affair, not just once, but at your house, my house, in the car, the movies, way over 20 times I have never felt more complete than when I am around you. I was ready to leave my husband and risking breaking up my family. I would start arguments in hopes that he would have enough and he would ask for a divorce. That way I wouldn’t feel guilty. I don’t know who I am anymore. This isn’t who I was supposed to be. I didn’t believe in adultery. I know that you were/are the only one that this would have happened with. I decided to stop seeing you because it was too much for me and I wanted to be around you more and more. We haven’t seen each other in 6months and it is one again killing me I feel like I am right back at the beginning and I have to train my mind again to keep you on the back burner.

My husband did not deserve this. Even though he knows that you were my first love and that I never really got over you, he trusted me.

Even through I have had my own suspicions that he was cheating early in our marriage and I was right he still didn’t deserve this, like I didn't deserve it. I will never tell him because the only reason I would be confessing is to make myself feel better. It will do nothing but destroy him. This will go with me to the grave. You have the nerve to be mad at me because I got married. You say that you are struggling with this affair because you are torn between doing what it right and your feelings. You have reminded me that I took vows before God and my family and you use this against me to make yourself feel better. If I am not mistaken, you said the same vows in front of the same God that I did when you got married and you did not hold up your end of the bargain either. At least I had some feeling for the man when I got married and at that time felt that he was it.

I hate this. I hate this, I hate this. My life has been nothing but thoughts of you. I have thought about you everyday from the day that we met. I live in my own personal hell. I would never wish this on anyone. It is like I am stuck in purgatory. You are an addiction. Back in the day there were times that all I needed was to have my "fix" by hearing your voice, live or recorded and I could go a few days before I need my "fix" again. I am back to that again I need to have a sponsor so when the cravings would come I could work with someone to get through it. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I have prayed over the years that I could let you go. I have been a good girl all of my life and I decided to do one of the most frowned upon sins. A part of me wishes I never met you. Part of me wishes I wasn’t me.

I have tried to justify this by believing that my affair was different. That it was not with some random guy I had just met a few months before. I actually try and believe that our love was/is so strong and real that it has stood the test of time and it was something that could not have been helped. The realty is that an affair is an affair. Technically, I have had an affair of the heart with you from the beginning. You are not single either but the world would say that I was at fault because I am the married one. So does that mean that if she was to know what happened it would hurt her less because she was not your wife. She is the mother of your child. I try to believe that after 15 years your motive wasn’t just to get a piece of ass from this person who you know adores and worships the ground you walk on. I try to believe that I am not this stank whore with no morals. I try and believe a lot of things.

You said that you want to be to at least be able to contact each other because after all, we are friends. I have told you over and over that I am not strong when it comes to you and I have asked you to please say no when I get the urges. But you don’t. You claim that you are as addicted to me as I am to you. I would love to believe that but I have never figured out why you were attracted to me. I need to believe that you loved me at one point. I need to believe that there was a reason behind all of this and my prayers were not in vain.

The sad thing is that even if I was to leave my husband, I know deep in my heart that you would never marry me or even have a steady relationship with me. It would be just like high school, on and off and I would still be the one waiting for you to make up your mind. You can not commit to me or anyone else. There is something about us that just doesn’t work. I am tired, disgusted with myself and disgusted with you. Let me go. I am waiving the white flag, I want to be free.

Confession #2580

Dear “Ying”,

Yesterday when we found out I was pregnant…. Was the happiest moment of my life. I know we have our little arguments now and then. Nobody’s perfect. But you have been so close to it that it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world baby. I can’t wait for this bundle of joy to get here. People will never understand why we’re together. We are complete opposites, but it doesn’t matter. That’s what I need in my life. Just like I always tell you baby you complete me. You are the Ying to My Yang.

I love you.

More than anything in this world.



Monday, June 09, 2008

True Wife Confessions 257 - The year the Goths split into Visi and Ostro

Confession #2561

Instead of moaning about how sick you feel, I wish you could just ask me to give you attention. I realize that is what the "I feel so sick" stuff is about - and I think I would respond so much more kindly if you just ASKED for my attention. Telling me how ill you feel just makes me want to give you a pill and shut you the hell up.

Confession #2562

I see him everyday at work. He is everything I always wanted in my life. For so long now, I have convinced myself that it was all one sided. In the past few weeks, he has let me know that he feels the same way. A relationship is impossible. We both know it. When we started flirting, I was married and he wasn't. Since this began, he has gotten married - and I'm still married. We love our spouses and don't want to hurt them or our children, but we can't fight this attraction anymore. So I am going to make the first move. I only plan to kiss him, but I don't think I would stop anything more from happening. I have been faithful for 9 years but that is about to change - tomorrow.

Confession #2563

I'm confession #2474.
He unexpectedly proposed last night. I joyfully accepted.
The ring is perfect

Confession #2564

You're no longer the person I married.
You spend every spare moment at the bottom of a bottle, and I hate the way you terrify the children. You've put on so much weight that you don't even resemble who you once were, the person I once fell for all those years ago. And yes, I'm now having an affair. After you've accused me of all those other infidelities - wrongly! - I finally found someone that loves me for who I am. Someone that I ache for, someone that gives me goosebumps just by thinking about her. She's beautiful. And I love her.

I feel so very guilty that I've trampled all over my wedding vows. I loved you back then, truly I did. But we've grown apart over the years, and the children are all we have in common now.

If it wasn't for my children I'd leave you right now. I know that I will never again find the intensity and passion I feel for her. But I can't because I know that you'd take them from me as soon as I told you that I was leaving. And it would hurt them so to be with you; it'd damage them irretrievably to be bossed around and used by you. And so I'm stuck, living a lie, living only for the times when I can be with my darling lover. And I think that somewhere, deep in the dark, scarred bowels of your soul that you already know. I know that you snoop around, rat-like, looking for clues, looking for an excuse to fight. Maybe soon I'll just stop bothering to erase my texts or emails, let you see for yourself how little I care for you now.....

Confession #2565

I am madly in love with a man I work with. He has the most incredible blue eyes and you can tell that he loves to talk to me. He knows I am married, but I want him, and I want him to want me too. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up, looking forward to seeing him each day. I want one kiss .. one kiss........is that so terrible? Truthfully, I don't want to settle for one kiss, I want to be in his bed. I want to touch him, smell him and be ravished by him.

Confession #2566

This is the only relationship I've ever been faithful in. Interesting since it is the worst. So many times I should have left you for the all the sadness, embarrassment, and humilitation I have allowed you to put me through. But, I stayed.

Now there is a man who has shown real interest in me and we have been flirting and testing the waters for months. After so many years of being a mommy and working and going to school and supporting our family on my own I am beginning to feel like a woman again. He is helping me to feel that way. The only next step is to do something physical with him. I've been hesitant for many different reasons, that I never considered when I was younger, but last night, you made the decision for me.

When I was fussing over something silly on my face and said it might leave a scar, you looked at me and said, "Who cares? It doesn't matter anymore"! I looked at you and you shrugged. You were not joking! I can't remember the last time you gave me a compliment or held my hand or kissed me with more than a peck. All I can remember is the times you told me you didn't like my hair, or how my body is not the same since the babies came, or why can't I be more like so and so, or remember when you used to look this way!

I am tired. You have drained me and any love I felt you at some point has long since gone. Now it's only tolerance. And yes, I am going to cheat on you with a person you despise, not because you know them, but because of what they are, and I am going to love it. And that wasn't planned, it just worked out that way:)

Confession #2567

I think you've become less responsible since we've been married. And I totally blame myself because you are spoiled. You've forgotten how to think on your own. It is not necessary for you to remember to take out the trash...you know that I will either a) remind you to do it a gazillion times or b) simply do it myself. It is not necessary for you to bathe the kids because you know that I will either a) remind you to do it or b) simply do it myself. You have no need to remember to pay the bills, unload the dishwasher, or put the laundry in the dryer because you know that I will either a) remind you these things need to be done or b) simply do it myself. Do you see a recurring theme? Do not gripe about my nagging, if you would take some INITIATIVE to do any of these things above I would not need to remind you. The fact is you can't remember which feet your shoes go on unless I am there to remind you. I am not your secretary, maid, or mother - I am going to work to re-train you to think of these things on your own. You're a big boy, I know you can do it - you've just gotten lazy about thinking by yourself.

Confession #2568

Gee, guess what honey? Our bank's credit services just called. The guy said that the back amount owed on your ******** credit card is now $260. Strangely, this is the same card that you told me that the balance was transfered to the ********* card and it's now closed. Looks like you are lying to me again, huh? Big surprise. And it's about money. Shocker. Maybe I should just accept the fact that as long as I am with you, I am always going to be in debt. You don't understand the need to work to be free of it. I can't do it by myself, especially when you make 2/3 of the household income, and you lie to me about things like credit cards, which you had NO BUSINESS OPENING IN THE FIRST PLACE. HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU BE??? I guess your sister is right though, I should be grateful that you're just a pain in the ass, and not a pain in the ass with no job, like your brother. Set that bar high, right?

I'm trying, right now, to work up the energy to be upset that you've lied to me, once again. Hmmmm. Somehow it's just not happening. I don't care anymore. And you wonder why things are strained between us. Why don't you think really hard about that?

Oh, this is good. You just answered my email asking you what was the deal with this credit card. Here's your answer, word for copied-and-pasted word:

"I just spoke with some Indian woman on Sunday about that, she admitted they were in error, and will have everything fixed by 6/15. Tell them to call me next time."

Um, yeah. Do you really think that I believe ANY of this shit? To your face, I pretend like I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, but I KNOW YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT. I wonder what excuse you will have when they call again next month, telling me you are now like $350 past due on that card? Will it be another Indian woman on the phone that you've worked things out with? Or, "It was a computer-generated letter, they made a mistake", like last month? I can't wait to hear the next excuse. You see, I KNOW you're lying. I can't prove it, but I know it like I know myself. After 17+ years of living with you, it's so obvious when you are lying. I don't know why you keep doing something that you are so very, very bad at. Just for the record, I DON'T BELIEVE A GODDAMNED WORD YOU SAY.

You just called. You've been on the phone with the bank. The problem, you say, is that you closed that first account, but the bank didn't actually close it. It's the bank's fault. Funny, that's been your story for about six months now. Every month..."Oh, it's taken care of now. I thought it was closed, but it wasn't. But NOW it is." Every month, it's the same bullshit. Then you launched into a big, long-winded explanation of how the two cards were supposed to be merged, but someone at the bank goofed (eyeroll), and after that all I really heard was "blah, blah, blah." Same shit, different situation. Different situation, same lies. The funny part is that you think I actually believe what you're saying. Do you realize how ridiculous this bullshit is that you're asking me to swallow? I know that you know I'm not stupid, so why do you ask me to believe this unfathomable bullshit? $1600 in late fees and mysterious other fees, in SIX months? Really? I'm speechless right now that you even think for one second that I would buy ANY of that. God, I am just so, so tired.

Confession #2569

My darling husband. We've only been married a year and a half and I love you so deeply. You give me so much freedom... So much that I sometimes lose the way. With no boundaries, I seek out others for my own wicked desires. One of my exes came back from out of the country. You've been gone at work, making sacrifices to assure we will always live comfortably. You poor thing. Working your toned butt off and passing out in front of your laptop at the end of the night miles and miles away from your own bed. I love you. But I love my freedom. I love the affairs I've had. My ex is back as I said. We've made love almost every time we've been together. When you come home and you stretch out your weary arms tome, you have no idea that another man has been wrapped around my body, covering me with his scent. Your eyes are so sad and poetic. I'll hold and comfort you forever my love but I am a virile woman with needs. If you are not going to give it to me regularly, then I'll find someone that will. I'm only sorry that I don't feel any regret or guilt. In fact, it only leaves me wanting more...

Confession #2570

Dear Husband,
After everything we've been through together, I just can't believe that you would want to break up with me over something I said about our neighborhood. You say I don't understand. But I really do. You grew up here and this neighborhood, shitty as it is, is a big part of your life. When you see people you went to school with, old friends, even some relatives - on the streets buying or selling dope, prostituting, or broke - it must be very depressing. And it just seems like things keep getting worse. I understand all that, and I have told you as much. But is the neighborhood and my lack of understanding in your eyes really worth you getting so pissed off and not speaking to me for three days? There must be some bigger issue that you are pissed about, or maybe you just don't love me. This isn't the first time you've gotten mad at me over a small issue and decided to "break up". THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID! I used to get al l upset and cry and beg you to forgive me for whatever I had done (and the majority of the time I didn't even know what that was). I'd kiss your ass and walk with my head down until you finally got over it. But not anymore. If you have no more feeling for me than to treat me this way, then fine. I'm over it. Last night, after you said "I'm done with you", you thought I was going to give you a blowjob. It was the first time I've ever refused to do what you wanted. And it felt good. I am not your sex slave, and I will never sleep with you again if we are not "together". I was determined to hold our family together no matter what - no matter what I had to put up with, how many times I had to swallow my pride, or how shitty you treated me. After all we have been through together - over three years together, the birth of our daughter, the death of your brother, the death of my grandmother, your alcoholism, surviving Hurricane Katrina, your health problems, your tax situation, your ex-wife and child support problems, an interracial marriage, and my family disowning me - I was finally beginning to think that we were a strong family and it would take something huge to ever come between us. It infuriates me that I was so wrong. I'm not glad that you want it to be over. Far from it. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone (besides our little girl), I intended to spend the rest of my life with you, and you are [were] my best friend. But obviously I had the wrong idea about everything. You're not who I thought you were, and our marriage/family/life must not be important to you. The funny thing is I know that you're thinking I'm going to pack up and leave and take the baby with me. But I'm not. That house is half mine - it's in my name too. I am the one who has nowhere else to go - you have other family members. I'm stayi ng. You can leave or move into the other bedroom. Meanwhile I'm going to be saving my money so that I can eventually leave. You should have the house you grew up in and the neighborhood you love so dearly. I hope your old ass has enough time to start over and have another family that is picture perfect, completely understands you, and can read your messed-up mind.
With much anger, hurt, and bitterness,
Your Wife

Monday, June 02, 2008

True Wife Confessions 256 color mode

Confession #2551

I hate that I miss you on Sundays. I know it isn't you that I miss but the image of you - of a loving husband, which you were not. I still wish you would have fought for us. I am going to find someone who thinks I am worth fighting for. I hate the fact that I still miss you. But I am proud that it has been a month and I have not contacted you. I am just waiting for the hurt to go away.

Confession #2552

i must say i love you very very much you are definitely the first person i have ever fell in love with and it has taken me 20 + yrs to finally let it happen. However i know deep down inside we aren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives, we're both young and you're younger than me and i know this isn't it for us. i feel horrible sometimes stringing you along and making you believe that i believe we are going to get married and have kids and move away and grow old, i keep thinking if i say it and agree with you enough i'll start to believe it, truth is

i dont want that....not with you... you are caring, sweet, and there when i need you and the sex is out of this world amazing, but yet you're so immature and dumb you do whatever you want to do and you are not trust worthy, way too jealous and any little thing alters your whole attitude towards me, like talking to a friend for 30-40mins on the phone when you've spent the passed 8 days with me is ridiculous, your friends are worthless sons of no good assholes, we've been thru too much and it amazes me how you know all the things i shouldn't be doing or do, but yet you turn around and do them yourself. you do things that are hurtful and disrespectful and your excuse is "i just don't know, i don't think" i hate your family with a passion except one person, yes i believe you cheated on me with her, i know you did. it still hurts me to this day, everyday i find it more and more harder to kiss you like i use to, sometimes your whole existence annoys the shit out of me. but yet i do still love you too much, and everyday i hope somewhere deep down inside i can fell like i use to when we first kissed, when we first made love and i don't, what we have is great but it isn't long lasting, i just hope when we finally end this its on good terms because i believe you'll be the greatest friend..

Confession #2553

If I had known you would turn out like this, I never would have married you. Yes, we have four bright and beautiful children, but you are a miserable failure as both a husband and father. When you tease the kids incessantly until they cry and then you laugh? Guess what? They aren't having fun! They are learning to hate you! They all complain to me about you when you aren't around. We spend so much of our lives trying to figure out how to avoid being the brunt of your jerky behavior. When you sulk around the house making snide comments to and about me? Well at first my love for you died a little more each day, but now (since it has been long dead for years) it just reminds me what a self-centered asshole you are. You are, I think, THE most selfish adult I have ever met. You are incapable of thinking about anyone other than yourself. You are incapable of having empathy for anyone else's troubles or feelings and in fact take delight in creating stress and problems. When we met I was a happy and fun person, your emotional abuse over the last 13 years has ruined any chance I had for a good life, and I hate you for it. I wish the rest of the world could see you for what you really are.

Confession #2554

Last night you installed new porch lights. I watch you stand on that rickety ladder, holding the fixture in one hand, switching tools out of your ripped and baggy work pants with the other, wrapping the electrical tape with those long artistic fingers of yours, that cute little wrinkle of concentration you get between your eyes.... Hubba hubba! You have NO idea how sexy you are. Oh, baby! You get my current flowin'.

Maybe next week we can ::wink wink:: sand the deck.

Confession #2555

I feel more like your mother and maid than your wife.

Confession #2556

I love watching you play with the kids.I fall in love with you over and over when I see you with them. You, my love, are just as goofy as they are and I love you for it.

Confession #2557

Sweetie I love you with everything I got but I'm bored.
we have been together for so long that I think you forgot that I was here.
I know you love me but you seem to love your poker even more. true you have cut back on
playing so much which I do appreciate. but it still takes up our weekends.
you play every Thursday night, then on Fridays you leave the house at six thirty in the evening
and do not return home until five thirty the next morning.
you sleep for most of the day on Saturday, we spend a couple of hours together,
a movie, dinner. we return home. come Sunday
you sleep until noon or later, you get pissed if I ask you do something with me.
then you get up get dressed and go play another poker game!

What happened??? We used to have so much fun together, now we just have a routine,
I wish I had the fun and exciting man i met seven years go back. please find him for me....

Confession #2558

You tell me all the time that when I am sleeping you touch me, and try to have s** with me WHILE I'M SLEEPING! You told me that the other night you were able to get my pants off but then I woke up. So your telling me that you would have s** with me while I am sleeping? You say that ALL men do this to there woman but I don't think that they do at least not the one's that respect there wives. Maybe I will cut off your you know what while your sleeping how about that?

Confession #2559


This could be long. For now I'll just say: I'm SO glad I made you get fixed...I know its bad, but I would always have compared our kids with what the kids I would have (gladly!) had with Him (gorgeous- people used to STARE at us and tell us what beautiful children we would have) I still love him, after all these years, you know a lot (not all) about it. Back to reality, though:

The one question I can never answer is WHY you married me- you don't like sex! I do....a LOT. Enough so that its a problem now, a big one. Remember when we were dating and I was SO clear and upfront about my sexual needs? YOU LIED TO ME, no two ways about it. I know you were a virgin and there were some small specifics you didn't know, but really, since you were thirty-friggin'-two when we got married, I figured that you must know yourself well enough by now. I was wrong.

You never had a plan, you have no goals and ambitions past feeding yourself more gross junky food and playing the guitar all day long. You are just thoughtless and selfish enough that you would have let me stay working at the office, 45+ hours a week, being miserable and getting fatter, drinking too much every night, forever. You also would have agreed to having a baby- why I'm not sure, you don't know what to do with kids and you would have been a pretty bad father. Again, I'm SO glad I made you get fixed- it comforts me that you will never be able to replicate your lazy ass.

I'm seriously thinking about leaving you- if my lover (oh, ya, by the way, I have one, he's your age but in such great shape and he does EVERYTHING just right. He's been in love with me for a while. We have been off and on, mostly on, for about four years.) gets everything together just right. We talk about having a baby (and how cute it would be) all the time, our families are already friends, my parents know him and would love him (after they got over the embarrassment of me leaving you and getting in "trouble") as a son in law. He asked me to stop sleeping with you, and after almost a decade of making ALL the moves on/for you, it hasn't been hard...I only did it out of forms' sake and to keep you from being suspicious, its not like I enjoy our passionless, kissing-free, bad/no oral/only in bed, stupefyingly boring "sex". What's funny is, you don't seem to notice that we haven't done it since April AT ALL, and its almost June. I wonder how long it will be till you notice.

Ps. The cats like me best. Oh ya, by the way, you drove me to drugs; I get high every day and you never even notice. I've been smoking pot most days (to sleep) since about November. Awesome!

Confession #2560

About 14 years ago, we met...you weren't my boyfriend, just a "friend"...I had a boyfriend at the time, and you were younger than me so I never really took you seriously. I used to use my boyfriend's truck to drive an hour to go see you, regularly, and cheat with you. Eventually you got a girlfriend and we stopped talking...last year, by accident, I found you online and emailed you . Turns out you're dating a friend of mine and have been for a few years...small world. We finally all got a chance to see each other again and it was really great to see you both and see you so happy. But part of me still wants you. I want to know if you're as good now as you were then and if anything's changed. I want to tell you that you were my first love and old flames never really die, they just smolder at a slow burn.