Wednesday, September 06, 2006

True Wife Confession Route 66 - Getting our kicks

Confession #651

I know how you flirt with other women. I read your myspace comments and your message board comments to other women. How do you think that makes me feel when I see you flirting and calling these other women hot? I feel like a fat piece of shit when you do that. Like I'm not good enough for you. Why do you think I am always upset and mad at you when you go to your events and stuff? Because I know some of those chics are going to be there and you are going to be flirting with them. I stay at home with OUR daughter and you get to go out for weekends and stay gone all night long so that you can be with your friends. Why don't I ever get to do that? Our daughter is only 2.5 years old and you've spent the weekend away probably 8 times now. I've NEVER did that. Sometimes I think I hate you because of it.

Confession #652

Dear Husband,

I know you read this website and I'm hoping you are reading this confession right now. This one really IS mine.

You are an amazing father.

I tell you that all the time and you say, "But I'm a daddy, it's my job!" And I tell you that most husbands I know don't do half of the things you do and you say, "But why? Why'd they have kids in the first place if they weren't going to help out? They're missing out on their children's lives!!" Even writing what you said makes me smile because you really have no clue what a sweetie you are. Most guys aren't raised to believe the daddy has to do more than be a sperm donor and occasionally, "babysit" their own kids. I don't know what went right with you, but kudos to whomever schooled you on what it means to be a real man.

I just wish you'd really believe that you are King Stud Man and A Number One Daddy of the Century. But you shrug and say, "It's no big deal, I like being a dad."

I don't know many husbands who have ALWAYS gotten up with the baby and toddlers overnight because the wife has a hard time falling back to sleep once woken up and the husband can fall asleep easily. He'd rather his wife was well rested because he knows what a hard job being a stay at home mom is. Even tho he works full time and has intense pressures at work. Yeah, honey, that's very very rare. And you've been on "night duty" for years now and never and will be again once the baby comes and you have never complained once and never will. You'll stagger around in a stupor and still say, "Sleep deprivation doesn't bother me."

I don't know many husbands who would come home to a wife sprawled out on the couch with no dinner prepared because she's too sick and drained from being pregnant and grab the kids and say, "Come on, let's make dinner for Mommy tonight!" And do that night after night after night. And never complain- not once. Instead, you say, "You're pregnant. You're making our next child. You're only job is to make sure you feel ok."

And you're not a con artist. You aren't boinking some floozy on the side. You're this big lovable nerd who truly loves being married and being a dad. I think you need to be in a museum where women could owe and aha over you and ask if you could be cloned. You cook, you clean toilets, you do home repair, you tell me to get out of the house for "me time" whenever I want and you never never never complain. You loved me thin and now love me fat because as you say, "I fell in love with YOU, not your clothing size."

Ok, so you're not romantic in the traditional sense. You don't send chocolates and flowers and sweep me off my feet with poetry or whatnot. But when I say I'm bored with the kitchen floor, you will retile the floor without hesitation. That's your version of romantic and honey, I'll take it!

So what's my confession? Not because of anything you do or say, but I fear you will find someone who is better than me. A Victoria Secret model who can cook gourmet meals and actually enjoys keeping the house spotless while wearing short skirts with no panties. She never forgets to send your mother a birthday present and always wears makeup and loves giving oral sex nightly.

Instead you got me. You unlucky bastard. And I have to believe you work as hard as you do for us because you truly love me. But sometimes, I wonder why. Sometimes I fear I'm not good enough and don't deserve you. Then sometimes I tell myself to shut the hell up and just enjoy this incredible experience. I got lucky. I just wish I could give back to you what you give to me and to our family. I will make an effort to show my appreciation more. You deserve more Me Time and Sleep Time and Cooked Dinner Time yourself.

You rock, Stud Man. You rock hard. Never ever forget that. We love you.


Confession #653

I found you last week. Someone sent me a people finder just to see if I was in there and I checked for you instead. Sure enough, there you were. I knew you had moved to another state, but I had no idea where. I now know you live in North Dakota. I told myself it would give me some measure of comfort and security, that it would make things easier knowing you're clear across the country and there's no chance you would ever see me around town and that it was good to know exactly where you are. But I lied to myself - it's so much worse.

I used to only think about you once in a while. Now I think about you all the time. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder how you are...that you don't creep into my mind. I know you married her - the her who was standing there so ready to console you when I broke it off. I know you just had your third child. And although I'm happily married with 2 children myself, I can't help wondering or hoping that sometimes she does something or says something that reminds you of me. Maybe she tosses her hair over her shoulder the way I used to, maybe she giggles like I do, maybe it's the way she reaches out to touch your face when you smile like I used to, or maybe she lays her head in your lap and falls asleep like I used to love to do, and I hope that in that moment, even on some subconscious level, you miss me and you miss what we had even just a little bit.

You were the true love of my life. I will forever suffer for being too selfish and stupid to appreciate you when we were kids. I was too stupid to see that you left your friends to come be with me and instead focused on you arriving late. I was too stupid to see that you followed me up to college because you wanted to be with me and not because you wanted a change of scenery. I was too stupid to see that we were an almost perfect fit the way we were and would have been perfect after I grew up a little.

If it at all atones for my behavior then, please know that I still love you, I will always love you, I appreciate you now and I will always live with the thought that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I let you go.

Confession #654

I don't know why I looked at the cookies on your computer. I knew what I'd find there, and now I am hurt and humiliated all over again. You try to argue that it's the same as my romance novels, but we both know it's not - those are real women in your porn. And they are women who are younger and thinner than me, and as our marriage goes on, they will be younger and thinner yet than me. One day I'll be in my forties, then fifties, and you'll still be looking at pictures of dead-eyed nineteen year olds who are apparently 'hott' and 'ready' - and who I suppose once dreamt of something more than this.

I can't be 'cool' or 'relaxed' about this. I feel undesirable. I feel unwanted. I can accept that your libido is low because of all the stress you face at work, but to find this stuff on your computer feels like a kick in the teeth. There's a woman right here, in your house, who'd be happy to get naked for you.

And you know that when you look at porn, you're participating in the exploitation of those women (I'm sorry, I don't buy that empowered women crap in the face of the drug abuse and sexual abuse statistics in the industry.) And you're a good guy. You're better than this.

Sometimes I wish to God that the internet had never been invented. At least I could have burnt magazines.


Confession #655

I lie to you when I tell you that it's almost 9 o'clock. It's usually
only 7 am. Although 95% of the time you go right back to sleep I like to
spend extra time with you before you go to work.. even if it is only a
moment or two. A simple sleepy kiss. I love you.

Confession #656

Guess what. The reason I want that divorce RIGHT NOW, in spite of being separated for SOOOOO long (a year-ish) and never making a big deal about it before? I'm pregnant. And hell, honey, it's been a year and, even if I wasn't expecting, I'm just ready to get this over. He's a better match for me than you ever were.

Confession #657

I don't know that I love you as much as I love who I am with you. You make me feel like a queen. I wish I could say that was enough to keep us together forever. But there are just too many things that need to be different, and I know they never will be. I could probably stick it out forever but I just don't want to. I want more out of this short life. I might even want him, instead, even though I know he will never make me feel like you do. But you will never make me feel like he does.

Confession #658

Remember I had a miscarriage two years ago? Well, I
had an abortion (on purpose) after I realized you
weren't going to marry me after dating you for 5
fucking years. I hate you!! I will eventually marry
you then dump you.

Confession #659

I am jealous of you. I do not think I have ever been jealous of you before. I am a little mad too. How does it happen that you get to have a baby by accident, and i who am married and been trying for ever does not. I am happy for you, but I am also jealous.

Confession #660

You disgust me. You said that your antidepressants lowered your sex drive, make you unable to cum. Funny that you sit around and look at porn all day. At night you tell me that you are too tired or not in the mood, or I get 2 seconds of half-assed effort. I found your porn and you lied about it. Looked me in the eye and lied.

I told you before how I feel about that. I take really good care of myself, a lot of men find me attractive, it's wrong to spend all of your sexual energy on porn and leave nothing for your wife. I've got news for you, you want to stay with me, you will pay the price. The only way I will stay with you after this humiliation is by cheating. When I go on my trip next month I am going to cheat on you. I will find a man that makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and then I will give him everything that I now refuse to give you. You made me feel so badly about myself, you Bastard.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

#654-

I agree and know exactly what you mean and feel.

Anonymous said...

652

I'm not your husband. But I wish I was. How wonderful that you can recognize the value of a husband that does his best to be a good father, husband and provider.

Anonymous said...

#658

If you hate him just leave now. Don't put yourself through more hell by marrying him. You deserve better.

Anonymous said...

#652--I could have written that same thing word for word. I think women like us are pretty damn lucky to have such WONDERFUL husbands and they aren't recognized enough!!! I'm always afraid he'll find someone better...but he assures me there isn't such a thing!

nononsense said...

#652 I think our husbands were cut from the same cloth and I am glad that they were given to women that appreciates them for all their goodness.

Anonymous said...

652, your husband sounds very much like mine. We have our arguments, but for the most part, this life we have is bliss. I'm glad to see someone else out there knows the happiness I feel on a daily basis. I too worry that he'll wake up one day and think he can do better than me. But he just tells me no one else can love him like I do.

Anonymous said...

#653

I know exactly what that is like. I hope we can find peace with the life we have.

Anonymous said...

#654: I feel like I wrote that. What is the solution? He's not gonna stop, he's just gonna hide it better. And even if he does stop, I'll always have it in the back of my mind. Especially when we make love and he closes his eyes for a moment...is he pretending I am that girl from the video? That skinny, gorgeous, blonde bitch? Then I get mad and hold it against him. Porn can ruin a marriage from the inside out.

Anonymous said...

#658 - Just get out now. Don't waste years of you life waiting for a chance to have revenge. Start a new life now. Don't wait to find someone who can make you happy. That will feel much better that getting even with the asshole.

Anonymous said...

#654

I had a similar problem, but found that it had more to do with how i felt about myself and my low self esteeem then it did with him viewing it.
I worked on making myself better and bulking up my confidence and now the situation is better. I believe because I am more willing to try new things and be the one to come to him and start things. He noticed the confidence (that I could only get from within myself)and it was a turn on.

Anonymous said...

#651

I know exactly how you feel.. My wife is doing the exact same thing to me. I feel worthless, degraded, and unloved. It's no wonder the past few years have been so loveless. I really hope you find a way out. You deserve better.

Anonymous said...

#652

I thank my lucky stars my luck stars every day that my DH is how you describe yours. Is it wrong to be sad for those who arent as fortunate

mex said...

652

Ut Oh.. he's a bigamist! I married the same guy:))

On the flip side, is yr name Beth?

LOL

Anonymous said...

#652 could have been written about my husband, too.

#658-Life is too short to waste your time and energy on hating someone or hurting them out of spite. Just leave, and find happiness with someone else.

#660-His antidepressants probably have lowered his sex drive. He might still be able to masturbate, but not be able to maintain an erection long enough to have intercourse. Have him ask his Doctor to adjust the dosage, or try a different medication. If you love him, help him. Cheating on him is not the way to go.

Anonymous said...

2:04 are you trying to say in a round about way that it is your fault he was looking at porn? That you weren't good enough and that's what the problem was? Because I just have to say something sounds really really wrong with that. You feeling bad about yourself or looking a certain way is not an excuse for him to look at porn. Sounds to me that you changed your attitude about it and decided that it was okay for him. And that's great. It's great that you have found a better you and are working things out and trying new things. But I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't change who I was to justify a man looking at porn.

Anonymous said...

652 and others with the same comments- We are ALL so very fortunate for the husbands we have. I look at my other friends who have failing marriages and just sigh. We are the lucky ones. SO VERY LUCKY. My husband will be home from Iraq in 20 days we were allready close but this has brought us so much closer.

Anonymous said...

#654, you broke my heart. I don't get it either. I don't get how I can love my husband and think he's sexy despite his gray hair and pot belly; but he can love me but still find someone else sexy.

If it's just the way men's and women's brains are wired, it pisses me off at God.

Anonymous said...

to #652: You're sweet to say all that, but it's not through any amazing effort on my part. I just do what comes naturally. It happens to dovetail nicely with what makes you happy and that's just so much the better. I'm glad I am the way I am, but I don't believe it makes me a Rock Star or anything. I'm just this guy, y'know?

At least I'm pretty sure it's my wife that posted that. Given the number of responses indicating it could have been them that posted it appears I'm not the only guy like that. Though she did mentioned this site to me over the weekend to remind me to check it out since I haven't been reading it lately.