Wednesday, October 29, 2008

True Wife Confessions 7 - Deep Dark Edition

Confession #061

I think I might be in love with another man. I think I might be planning to leave you for him, but not yet.

Confession #062

I want to continue marriage counseling because a week leading up to the appointments, you are usually on your best behavior. When we don't have an upcoming session, you get lazy.

Confession #063

Recently I met a man who I could tell was sort of "into" me. I got the feeling that if I wanted to, I could have had an affair with him. I was very tempted for the first time in our marriage because I'm lonely and have been for years. You pay more attention to your work and on-line poker games than to me.

Confession #064

Just because I grew up in a family of lawyers doesn't mean I'm good at fighting with our builder to fix our leak problems with our house. I know you don't like the sales lady, but we're not dealing with her anymore. You want to fight with them to get them to replace the drywall instead of just patching it, YOU call them. YOU tell them about your allergies when you're not even sure there IS mold from the leak and then YOU argue with them when they play dumb. I can breathe just fine. YOU can deal with their lackadaisical attitude about replacing the drywall versus patching. I'm going to take a nap.

Confession #065

For several months after you proposed, I kept a boyfriend on the side- for the sex. He knew all about you, but I was pretty sure you weren't sincere about the whole getting married thing, so I saw him during the week and you on weekends. I saw him for the last time on the night before I moved in with you.

Confession #066

For a two month span in 2001, I went off my birth control pills without your knowledge or consent. I also poked holes in the condoms with needles.

Confession #067

This morning, when you were pawing me while you thought I was sleeping, I really wasn'’t sleeping. I kept my eyes closed in hopes that you would leave me the hell alone since it had only been FOUR HOURS since I went to bed. Despite what the Letters to Penthouse say, I do not get instantly aroused just because you are pinching my poor, still-sleeping nipples. So when you said those seven words that you must have thought would make me want to instantly have hot porn sex with you, I pretended to wake up confused about what was happening. Because honey, asking "could I get a quickie before work?"” is almost guaranteed to NEVER get you even the teeniest bit of cooperation from me. Asshole.

Confession #068

If I am committing to having sex with you, I expect it to be a mutually satisfying experience. I do not want you to "catch me later", or "owe me one". In fact, the whole "blow job embargo" could be lifted, if only you would abide by this rule of thumb. I don't dislike giving blow jobs, I only pretended to not like it since you were doing such a shitty job from your end....

Confession #069

sometimes you fall into the very descriptive metaphor: You are a gardener who wants to put his tool in the shed before doing any yard work.

Confession #070

After sex, your need to jump up and wash is disturbing. I mean, having some semen on you? Doesn't make you gay. It's YOURS. You've filled me with the shit on more than one occasion. Deal with it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

True Wife Confessions 271 Zenobia

Confession #2701

When the cat jumped onto your lap and landed really hard on your balls, I was secretly thanking her for doing what I have wanted to do for weeks.

Confession #2702

I am so in love with you, but you don't love me back. I should just try to forget you and move on, but I can't. I want you. You and only you, forever. I can't even imagine ever being with another man because I love you so much. You are my everything. You are the one I call before I fall asleep and the first person I talk to when I wake up. I know we could have such a wonderful life together. I love just watching you sleep. You don't know this, but whenever you fall asleep when I'm around, I try not to let myself sleep. Because I just want to stay awake to watch you sleeping. I usually put my arm around you and kiss you softly and tell you that I love you. And sometimes I cry. I cry because I want to be able to do that when you are awake, but I can't. The mornings I wake up next to you are the happiest mornings of my life. You are so incredibly sexy and you turn me on so much. I know the sex I had with you was the best I'll ever have. But sometimes, I wish it had never happened because I just want more. Do you know what I would give for you to fuck me again? I want you so bad. And it hurts me so much to see you with that other girl. That girl that you can't possible love. I swear, she is the ugliest human being I have ever seen in my life. I don't know what you see in her. She won't even move to Florida with you! I would move with you in a heartbeat. The day you showed me the engagement ring you want to get her, I thought about killing myself later that night because I don't know what I am going to do without you. I am glad that she lives far away so that you spend all your time with me instead of her. But I hate it when you talk to her on the phone when you're around me. Because I'm in love with you. I'm the one that's always there for you and knows all your secrets. I'm the one that does everything for you and sacrifices for you like crazy. You know all my passwords and have access to my bank account. My bank account that I so freely share with you. My biggest secret is that I really wish she was dead. I want her to be dead so that maybe you'll spend forever with me. I want to spend forever with you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I wish I could just kill her myself sometimes. Please don't decide to marry her. Please. We are so happy when we are together. When you touch me, even the simplest hug or tap on the shoulder, sends chills up my spine. You're all I ever think about. When I tried to have sex with someone else to stop myself from thinking about you, I started crying. Crying because I just wanted it to be you. You are all I'll ever want. The only thing that keeps me going on is convincing myself that one day you will see that we were meant to be together and love me. Love me as passionately and deeply as I love, and always will love you.

Confession #2703

So now I'm getting emails from flight attendants telling me what a dog you are on trips. Nice, really nice. It's not enough that I stumble upon your misdeeds myself, now I have to listen to your co-workers snickering about what a fool I am. And what do you say when I show the emails and text messages to you? DENY & DEFLECT like always. God how I wish I'd never gotten myself into the position I'm in today; completely dependent on you for every dollar, and everything else. I've really screwed myself ... and you're out screwing everything else. I hope you're ready for the karma that awaits you, cause you're gonna get a whole Goddamned airplane full Mr. Airline Pilot.

Confession #2704

For the past two years I have thought about no other man except you. Sure there have been some men in between but nothing ever lasts and no man has ever made an impression like you have. I haven't seen you or spoken to you in a few months actually. So you would think that by this time I would have gotten over it. The funny thing is that we were never together like that. And I hate not knowing if that was all my fault or if you were never really interested. You had no idea how much I like you or how much I wanted to be with you...I was too scared...scared of my friends knowing...scared that it would all blow up in my face if I showed too much emotion. And now look at where i'm at. I'm here two years later wondering what if... I know you have a girlfriend now. I wonder if your happy or if you ever think about me. I wonder how I would react if I ever saw you with your girlfriend. I'm afraid it might be devastating to me. You actually called me about two weeks ago...i'm not sure where exactly that came from. I asked you to call me some time and you basically disappeared. I want to move on and not think about you. I hope your happy and I just wished I could be happy too...I always think in the back of my mind somehow someway maybe we would end up together. If that opportunity came about I wouldn't let it pass me up.

Confession #2705

I'm angry at you for not taking care of your health. You are turning into your father. He was always skeptical of doctors and played the "strong and stoic" role his entire life. He never saw a cardiologist despite everyone's urging. He had already suffered at least one silent heart attack before he finally would admit that he was sick, then had a mini-stroke on the operating table when he was undergoing a bypass for his clogged arteries. He ended up being partially paralyzed and never recovered his health; some months later, he suffered another heart attack that finished him off. Only he didn't die right away. He suffered brain damage, never woke up, and we had to sit around the hospital watching him die.

I AM TERRIFIED THAT YOU WILL END UP LIKE HIM. You are following in his footsteps. I do not want to come home one day and find you dead on the floor. I've asked you again and again to see the doctor. I've made appointments for you and dragged you there, and made you tell the doctor about everything that was bothering you. You didn't want me to come with you the last time around, so of course nothing was done. You suffer from sleep apnea, but don't schedule a sleep study. You continue to be sedentary and stuff yourself with food. You complain about allergies, but never make an appointment to see an allergist. You are susceptible to migraines, but have not discussed this with your doctor. Your health is making you miserable, but you never do a goddamned thing about it unless I make you.

I am tired of being your mommy and dragging you to the doctor. I want you to take responsibility for your health and take better care of yourself. It isn't rocket science. I do it for myself AND the kids; I don't understand why it's so hard for you.

I want our sons to know you as the happy, energetic man I married. I do not want them to have to sit by your bedside in the hospital and watch you fade away into your final slumber. How could you possibly want to put them through that ordeal when it was so painful for you to watch your own father die?

I love you and don't want to lose you before it's time for you to go. And I'm frustrated because you could be happier if you just took better care of your body. And I'm angry at you because I am selfish and want you with me for a long time, but you don't seem to think this is important.

Confession #2706

I don't love you. I did once, but you wore me out with your excesses - too much drink, too much smoking, too much sex - never stopping when I asked you to, always wanting more. You kept none of your promises to me, I suspect that you have cheated on me many times, but somehow I don't care. We haven't had sex for years and you don't turn me on. In fact, no one does. Isn't that sad. I don't have love in my life, I don't have sex in my life. My confidence levels are so low that I cannot imagine anyone wanting me - you certainly don't, except to keep a roof over your head.
Yes, I have a great home (which I paid for), a great job (for which I bust my a**) and good friends. I know that you are totally dependent on me, both financially and emotionally and I don't know what you would do if I were to leave you. You'd probably end up in the gutter, and I guess I can't let that happen. But if you were to die tomorrow, it wouldn't be the end of my world. I'd be sad for a while - bad habits die hard - but I'd get over it and move on. Maybe that would give me the space in my head and heart to look for someone else. I just don't want to grow old with you.

Confession #2707

Wow, its been over twenty years and still it hurts. I have found out in the last 4 days that I can handle the judgements of people I don't know, but to hear those words come from you, they were devestating. The choices i made over 20 years ago, they are my choices, and I will deal with them when the time comes.

You were my "safe" place, my best friend, my lover, my soulmate.

You've taken away my safe place, my "home". My "home" has always been when you are. We are married to other people, we have both decided that we would handle all the problems that come with that, and so far after over 9 years, we have doen great.

You are the "Husband of my Heart". You always were, even before we made the choices that we are living with now.

The unexpected betrayal that you so carelessly just "threw" out there has changed everything, the way I look at myself, the way I look at you. You so carelessly just abused the trust I had in you.

Confession #2708

Someone pinch me. This can't be real. You are back in my life after a long time.
You are not married anymore. It is what I always wanted.
I am the one that is married now.
What am I gonna do?

Confession #2709

You gave me the best orgasm of my life last night - missionary style, too! I
can't remember feeling that connected to your body in a while.

I'm sorry you're not a father yet. We'll get there, and you'll be the best ever.

Confession #2710

My Dear Love,

Do you love me the way I love you?
Have you ever?
Will the fear of you leaving me again ever really, truly go away?
Will our marriage make it?
Will you ever appreciate me the way I appreciate you?
Do you look at me the way I look at you and I'm just too insecure to realize it?
Are you right when you say we are just "too different"?
Will you ever become what you were before?
If you do, will I finally have the strength to leave you?
Will you ever see me?
Do you and I just don't know?
Will you ever comfort me the way I wish you would?
Is it okay that you don't?
Am I expecting too much?
Will it just take time?
I can wait.
I want to wait.
I love you.

Do we have it better than most?
Should I just be grateful?
I am.
But is it okay to want more?
Am I being too much?
Is it really me?

Will you ever be proud of me the way I'm proud of you?
Will I ever be what you want me to be?
Will I ever be what I know I can be?
Will the spotlight on you ever shift over to me?
If it does, will you be able to handle it?
If it does, will I still want you?
I'm scared I won't.
What if I won't?
What will we do?
Will you appreciate me then?
Will you see me then?
Will you tell me everything I've been wanting to hear?
Will you beg for me?
Is it weird that I would want you to?
Will it be too late?
I hope not.
I don't want it to be.
I love you.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Envisage 365

Someone of you may recall a post this summer calling for participants in a photo project chronicling the lives of women - one picture a day, every day.

Some of you answered that call for participants, including yours truly.

We are now 47 days into this project.

The images and insights into the lives of women across the country and world are simply amazing.
I spend a large chunk of time every day looking at these photos and pondering the intimate details of other womens worlds - not unlike the time I spend reading the confessions that are sent.

I would invite you to look too - you may find yourself reflected in the photos of this group of phenomenal group of women.

Monday, October 13, 2008

True Wife Confessions 270 Electoral Votes

Confession #2691

As crazy as it sounds, for the past 13 years I have felt somewhat uncomfortable around you. Looking back on it, I now know that we were never soulmates. You have always been angry, defensive, paranoid and negative. For years I thought you were right and I was wrong. I would make friends at "mommy and me" groups and you would tell me not to bring mommy friends home or not to go to their homes because they could be possible kidnappers. "Of course," I would think. How could I let my guard down and befriend a complete stranger? No matter that she had one or more babies of her own and had bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep and wouldn't possibly want or have the energy to kidnap another baby. You made me feel like a bad mother for making friends. Now, I realize that I am not the bad or crazy mother. You are crazy. You have many, many emotional issues leftover from your crappy childhood, and I have run out of patience with them. I love people. I love being social. I love to laugh. I love to think the best of people. You do none of these things. There isn't one thing in your life that I can see that brings you any joy whatsoever. Not your 6-figure salary, your cute home, pretty wife, or not even your two perfect, beautiful boys. One day, when the boys are old enough to be fed up with your negativity too, I will leave. We will all leave, and then you can have the isolation you so desire.

Confession #2692

I really thought that after a year of us being apart that I would have moved past you, past hoping that we will get back together but I haven't. I think about you everyday still. I want nothing but you to be happy, and I know that you aren't. I don't understand why you felt so obligated to get back together with her after what she did to you during your marriage. She only wanted you back because you were moving on and she was afraid that the free money would stop. How can you be so blind to not see this?? Everyone else has seen what she is doing to you, doing to your family. You don't speak to your sister anymore because of your girlfriend. Your mother had to choose between being my friend or not because it hurts her feelings. WTF??? After all the pain she has put you through over the past 12 years you still went back.

I don't know honestly if I will ever get over you. You are such a wonderful, caring, honest man who deserves the best. Instead you are working two jobs to support a lazy, unkind, nasty woman who only keeps you around because you make money and give it to her.

I will always love you...even though I have tried to move on.

Confession #2693

I am so head over heals in love with you it hurts sometimes. But why is it you never invite me to your house? Why is it you only come to mine? My gut tells me you're not hiding anything, but still, I have to wonder what the hell your reasons are. I've mentioned it to you a couple of times, but your responses were extremely vague and not much help.

This drives me crazy at times. I know I can't say anything more to you, because I know you'll just dig your heels in even further. You're a very private man and perhaps you just need to continue to protect your space for whatever reason. You're a very self-confident man, too, so perhaps you just don't need to include me in all aspects of your life the way I want to include you in mine. I don't know.

So I silently stew about it. Thank goodness I can at least vent here. It helps. At least someone is aware of my frustration.

Confession #2694

Today is my 3-year anniversary and I came home from work to find my husband drunk (he was home all day)...yeah me...happy anniversary! You think he could wait until 5:00 pm to start drinking on our anniversary, like most decent drunks. I can't wait to leave him.

Confession #2695

Why is it that when I ask you questions like, "why do you have scratches on your back" or "why were you online at a hotel for 4+ hours when we have a computer here, a company laptop & you were supposed to be at work!" You tell me I'm just crazy! You want me to tell you where these scratches came from & that the receipt for your computer time at the Holiday Inn belonged to your friend (yeah, & he convieniently put it in the compartment in your car. And, why is that you are still holding onto your photo albums of your ex-girlfriends, especially "V". You know that I hate her & what she did to you & I've never hated anyone in my life. You told me you'd get rid of them when we 1st got married then I found them when I thought you've been cheating on me. They were hidden under a drawer in your dresser. You told me you'd NEVER get rid of them no matter how much it hurts me. It doesn't seem to bother you at all that having all of the evidence of your past with her is here in OUR HOME. I know she killed your babies even after you told her you'd stay with her but that's why I hate her & I know you'll never get over her. I just wish you'd get it through your damn head that I'm not as stupid as you think I am. If something is going on, just have the balls enough to tell me. It makes no sense to lie in order to save my feelings from the truth. Just be a man & tell me what the hell is going on with you. BTW, if we keep having these dumb ass fights over "well, you're pissed so now I'm pissed." I'm gonna snap & shred all of those pics of your "awesome" exgirlfriend, baby killer.

Confession #2696

This is the second time I've left you, you've been completely wonderful to me. Your love for me seems truer than the movies but it was suffocating. Your love for me is so naive and romantic I can't help but feel like I have to revolve my life around it for you. We've never been on the same page...infact we've never been in the same book. All I end up doing is hurt you and the one left crying is always you. I can't do it anymore this is why I left. I'm not the only woman you'll ever love. I know there will be someone who will give you what you are looking for. The only thing that scares me is that you'll never look at another woman. I'm scared that through all that has happened between us you will still simply sit there hoping that I will come back even as a friend. I hope that someday and someday soon that you will open your heart to someone, someone who will make you happier than I ever could. I hope you find happiness *blank* because to me you are amazing.

-always tearfully thinking of you

Confession #2697

I wish I had married your brother instead of you. Your inabiilty to groom yourself disgusts me and having sex with you kinda makes me want to vomit. Perhaps this is the result of 7 years of inattention or your inability to recognize what makes me happy compounded into one giant rant, perhaps it's just the truth.
Your inability to find happiness in the smallest things in life (a sunset, the moon, the stars, a breezy summer day, etc.) makes me want to sleep with your artist friend who really appreciates everything intangible about life (even though he's sort of gross). Moments make up our lives and my moments with you are BORING. Why I married you I have no idea...
If we weren't married, we wouldn't be friends as we have nothing in common. Living with you sucks the joy out of my soul.
I dont' want it to be this way. You are a good man but we just aren't good together.

Confession #2698

Just wanted to say thank you for providing a safe space for us to let
out all of the bad, sad, mad, mean and crazy thoughts that are in our
heads and hearts. I have sent several confessions in the past two
years (about 3 different men - does that tell you the state of turmoil
in my life?) and the simple act of making the thoughts concrete and
visible and having a safe place to send them, a place where no one
judges and where someone might actually understand, is liberating.
After having written each of my confessions I was able to step back
and look at things more clearly, more realistically. In one case,
confessing helped me end a relationship that I wondered why I stayed
in for 21 years. In a more recent confession, I realized that I was
being whiny and insecure and actually had the power to speak up and
maybe change things. Confessing enabled me to speak up and communicate
with my partner and the situation became a non-situation, just a
little part of couple-hood that needed to be worked out. I know this
doesn't happen for every woman who writes to you but I am hoping that
it happens for others besides myself. By gving us a safe space you are
letting us find our voices and and the power we have. Thank you.

Confession #2699

I hate the fact that you still want to see your ex-girlfriend 18 years after you broke up. I don't care if her mom and your mom are friends, I hate the fact that you want me to be friendly with her, too. I married her damn leftovers!!! I have a past too, but I never made you face any of them

Confession #2700

Thank you for holding me when I cried this week. I don't need you to fix it, I just need to know that you are there and supporting me. That is worth more to me than roses or gifts or anything else you could do. Listening to me makes you sexy to me, and while I wouldn't say that our sex life ever depends on what you do for me, I can sure as hell tell you that when you listen to me - kiss away my tears and hold me? It makes me want to celebrate you as the man I adore. I just may pull you into a bathroom at your work and show you!

Monday, October 06, 2008

True Wife Confessions 269 Hawkmoon

Confession #2681

Our anniversary is coming up.
I am expecting this to be better, WAY BETTER, than last year.
I am not a hard woman to please and you know that.
I want this day to feel as special as it did the day we got married.
I want you to to fuck me hard and play dirty...more than once in a 24 hr period.
I love you with ever ounce of my being.

Confession #2682

We decided the best thing for us right now is to get divorced...I am so upset that you still act like I should do stuff for u and be nice to u...U weren't nice when ur mother kicked me and ur child out...u weren't nice when your mother belittle me in front of u...U say that u want to help me and ur child find a place to live and that u want to give me money to care for ur child, but i think it is a crock of SHIT!!! u couldnt care for us when we were married...u couldn't be the man u say ur going to be...y should I believe u when u make all of these promises to me??u made those promises when we got married and u never fulfilled them...I want so badly to keep a good relationship with u for the sake of our child but u r starting to be a royal pain in my ass!!!I am so sick of u pretending like everything is fine...I AM NOT FINE!!!I AM HURT AND SHOCKED!!!No I don't cry every night and I'm not in total depression, but I am still hurt!! I am so sick of listening to u!!!!Even when we were married I felt like a single mom...I did and still do do everything for our child!!!No wonder she doesn't ask for u every day...She is use to u not being around...Please stop trying to be my husband now, it is too late for that...I am no longer going to give in to u...I am not ur property anymore!!!Don't think that u can come around when ever u want either...U have to decide if u r still going to be in our child's life or not...I am trying so hard to keep strong and not break down...I know I can do this without u because our whole marriage I was doing it with out u!!I think u better get it together!!!Maybe u need to reasserts the situation!!It is over and will never work as long as ur mother is involved and u cant be a real man and take care of us like we deserve...SIGN THE PAPERS ALREADY!!

Confession #2683

Sweetheart, you are wonderful and special in so many ways. You are
gentle, affectionate (greatly so!), playful, attentive and clued into
"me". You help with the dishes, the laundry, the housework. You buy
groceries. You rub my feet and let me put my head in your lap while we
watch TV. You are just about the best thing that's happened to me in
my life. I am very lucky. I just wish we had sex more often. Yes, you
are 15 years older than me (62 to my 47), three years out from a heart
attack and taking medication for high blood pressure. And sometimes
things just don't work they way you want them to. (And yes, you take
Viagra when you need to.....which isn't all the time.) I understand
all that. Sex with you is awesome. Really. It's just that once a week
isn't enough. Yes, I know there are women out there who would be
grateful for even that. But it's not enough for me. You say that if
everything were working you would like to have sex 2-3 times a week.
That's great. I would like that too. Hell, sometimes I would like it
twice a day every day. I know that's unrealistic (but we have managed
it a few times). And I feel so awkward talking about all of this to
you. That's what the real problem is. I feel like I don't have a right
to say anything. I am afraid that you will think I am a sex maniac or
a slut or never satisfied. That's not true. I really do enjoy
sex....especially with you. I just can't talk about it with you so I
cry. I cry if you look at me because I can't tell you what I'm feeling
or thinking or needing. I'm afraid I will hurt your feelings and you
will feel inadequate. So I swallow the problem and I cry and I get
quiet and sort of "remove" myself. And every night we go to bed and I
wish, I hope that you will make love to me. And you don't and I'm
disappointed and I wake up in the morning distant and crying. It's not
good. It's not healthy. And I don't know how to make it different or
better or not hurt so much. I wish I knew how other couples manage
this difference in drives. I wish I knew how they talked about it. I
wish I didn't like sex so much. Maybe there really is something wrong
with me.

Confession #2684

You killed "dinner time" for me. I remember those days, when my dad enforced that we had to be on dining table to get dinner or else we wouldn't get any. It was annoying at first. But in my late teen years I realized the importance of "family time". We still share the same family time whenever we get together. But "we" never had the dinner time. We never had "we" time. You killed it for me. For last 2 years I have had dinner by myself. BY MYSELF. I tried to cope up with you, followed what you said but eventually I give up.

We had arrange marriage so differences in our lifestyle was bound to be there. I am used to having dinner at 7 and you have dinner at 11. Do we have any common ground - NONE. In our initial days, I called you nonstop in office trying to convince you to come home - maybe because I was hungry or maybe because I was lonely. You have long work hours. We never discussed the timings, we just fought over them. There were times, I would call you at 8 and you said you would leave office in 15 mins. I would calculate that by 9 we would have dinner together. At 9.15, i would call you - off course full with anger. I would invariably find you again in office, and you argued that work consumes you, leaving you with no bandwidth for anything else. It was hard for me to believe that someone can get so engrossed in work that they forget about their family. But I guess I started believing in you. In between some of our fights we agreed on -
1. the one who is at home will have the responsibility to call the one who is outside to get the update on timing - as this is what your mom did and you were used to that "routine". However, I didn't agree as in my family - the one who was missing the deadline was suppose to call.
2. I shouldn't wait for you to join me for dinner as you couldn't predict your work.

I don't think i voluntarily agreed to these conditions, but did I had a choice ? Two years later, we are separated. I m not surprised. The husband and wife who don't even have time for each other for dinner - do you think they would have survived bigger conflict ? Ha!

Confession #2685

I can't stand being in the same room as you. Yes, it's gotten that bad and it's never going to get any better. You are too selfish, period. You should've never gotten married and you should never have had kids. I kind of knew what I was getting into when I married you but the poor kids sure didn't ask for you as a parent. Someone who thinks that paying the bills is the only responsibility towards them. Oh, I forgot to throw in the obligatory 30 second conversation you try to have with them, doesn't work and won't in the future. I've told you so many times that they just want to spend time with you, do things with you. You don't have to do some big production, it's not what they want. But, you are too busy with work, the gym, everything else under the sun other than your wife and family. And, no the excuse that you are doing this for all of us is BS. You are doing these things because you want to, not because they benefit the family. You're salaried, newsflash, working 12+ hr days 5 days a week plus working on the weekends doesn't get you more money, no comp time and only gets ridicule from your boss. Nice to know that they appreciate you, huh??

What's really sad is that I really didn't want that much from you. I'm sure that that's part of the problem, that I let you get away with basically giving me nothing (after all, paying the bills is all you think you have to do) and as you got older, you got more selfish, so you gave me even less, which was and still is pathetic. I used to do so much for you, so very much and was very happy to do it, as I loved you. But, the more you showed me that you didn't appreciate what I did, criticized other things that I did, the more you acted like I was a burden in your life and not someone you loved (you don't even act like you like me, much less love me), the less I did for you and the more I concentrated on the kids and myself. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when a wife can tell a husband what they really need (and it not even being that much) and the husband just won't do it. Pretty sad.

What's sad is that I think that you truly believe that your only responsibility to our family is to pay the bills. Well, that's all we need from you. You've shown us that you're not willing to do anything else and while it's sad, you're not missed when we're doing things together. The kids will end up losing, as they do need a dad in their life, even one who's not much of a dad. I guess you fit that bill, as you can't be bothered most of the time to even talk to your kids. The TV and computer are way more important then they are.

I bet you never thought you'd end up like your Dad, did yo? You are turning into your dad and it makes me want to vomit when your voice sounds just like his. You act like him and your mannerisms are like his were. The sad thing, is that your dad was actually a pretty good dad to you until his problems started and that's when it started going downhill. You've NEVER been a good dad and you don't have the problems your dad did. What's your excuse? Oh, I forgot, you're doing this for us. Right....


Bitter, Party of One

Confession #2686

If you don’t make up your mind soon, I’m going to have sex with him.

Confession #2687

I've been with you since I was 17 and love you so much. You're my friend but I've violated our friendship, and our vows. I told you that I wasn't being satisfied. I told you I wanted more passion, more sex, more intimacy. My sex drive has shot thru the roof and yours seems to be waning. You're not responding. You're not hearing me. You don't touch me during the day and barely look me in my eyes when I get home from work but you still want that midnight quickie. I understand the stress, the bills, the kids but you can't neglect me like that. I tried to tell you, touch you, hold you but you say "not now, we've gotta do this...", "hold on, wait...", "the kids..." Yeah I can understand putting me off once or twice but every time? Then when we finally get to bed you're sleep? Or you give me 3 minutes of your time? I'm so frustrated. I just want you to desire me, make me feel sexy, look at me like you want to take me right then and there, desire me. Don't let loose so quickly - enjoy the intimacy. I tried to tell you but you didn't respond. You kept pushing me away so I decided I was going to get it from someone else, someone who is the opposite of you. Someone tall, white and athletic. I searched for it and I found it. I had the opportunity and although hesitant, took it. He was amazing. He gave me those same chills that I felt many years ago from you. He did things to me that made me feel desirable again. He acknowledged my beauty. He looked me in the eyes with is beautiful blue eyes and made me feel so sexy. He took control and lasted and didn't climax until I was satisfied. It was unbelievably amazing. But what have I done? I never in a million years would have thought I would do that to you. People idolized us as having the perfect marriage but what's going to happen now? How do I stop? I never meant to hurt you. It was a selfish decision, but why do I want more?? What is wrong with me?? I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. God help me.

Confession #2688

Now the therapist says I need to NOT talk about the effects of your indiscretion on me and our marriage because you wont' hear me and it will only get ugly between us. Well, it is ugly now and I am not the one who went outside the marriage you are and I am not the one who ended up arrested and had huge fines to pay, but I am paying, too. This has cost alot of money, and emotions for us. I can't stand you right now and you just want to get closer. I want to talk about it and I can't because it won't good for you. You know what, here's my big middle finger to you. I can't get the thought of you and someone else out of my head and I am supposed to not talk about it because you have a disorder???? When does it get better? I am tired of the worse and sickness part for our vows. I think I need a break. Oh right, that won't help your recovery. Why??? ruin a good thing? Just once I want to come here with a good thought and post.

Confession #2689

Just under 10 years I have been by your side. I tolerated and forgave you when you would ignore my phone calls for weeks on end - when I was parked outside your house staring at you sitting there ignoring the ringing phone. I loved you and refrained from pressuring you as all my friends got married and had children. I put up with a string of asshole roommates. You lied to me saying I was the only one you have had unprotected sex. All of these things and more were acceptable because you were an amazing man and I treated you like shit.

But, you do this to me... you fuck a whore...twice. You leave the condom wrapper in the trash I empty. You don't wash the sheets and have sex with me on them. You, the one that no one would ever think would cheat.

So, lately I don't want to go anywhere near your family and I don't want you anywhere near mine. Everyone thinks you are so perfect, that I am so lucky to have you, that you are a great man... and I just want to scream. Well, really I want to tell them exactly what you did and let the pieces fall where they may. Their perfect son paying for sex when I am out of town...

So, I keep the condom wrapper in my memory box that I have had since I was 13. It is there to remind me like the dried flowers, cards, newspaper articles remind me of all the other momentous occasions in my life. And I'm back to the gym. After I lose the 30pds if you are still up to this, or if you are still watching porn when I am in the other room I am going to start fucking anyone that looks good to me. Keep it up asshole and this is how the next 50 years are going to go.

And that damn Taylor Swift song keeps playing in my mind it is making it hard to forgive/forget:

And I should've been there, in the back of your mind

Confession #2690

This relationship with you is clearly the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I have to confess -- I'm terrified that you'll leave if I'm anything less than perfect for you. I try so hard every day, but it's wearing on me big time. I'm not perfect. I need for you to accept me as I am. I can't keep up the false front anymore.