Monday, August 16, 2010

True Wife Confessions 315 gumballs in a machine

Confession #3141

I love you so much. I know it's not your fault you have to be in Afghanistan. I know you didn't want to go, that you never wanted to go. I know you call me every chance you get, and I know you're counting down the days until you can come home to me, just like I am. But sometimes, even though I try so hard not to, I still feel angry. Angry that you're gone for so long, angry that I'm here by myself, angry that I spent our first wedding anniversary without you. I don't know how not to be angry about these things. Most of all, I'm angry that you never tell me how you feel over there, even when I ask. I know you have to feel something. I would rather hear how you're doing, really doing than listen to a list of tasks you completed on a particular day. When we only have ten minutes to talk on the phone once a week, it's important to know what emotions you're experiencing. Because sometimes, I feel angry because I'm afraid you might not feel anything at all. And me? I feel everything. Sad, scared, angry, depressed, listless, small, weak, pitiful. If you think I need you to be the strong one, to pretend everything is fine so that I don't worry, that's not true. I just need you to still be you. Please still be you, now and when you come back to me.

Confession #3142

I broke your heart today. It is the last thing I wanted to do. I did love you very much and I know after everything your love for me was unwavering. I am trying to convince myself that ending this three year relationship was the best thing for the both of us. Things were great.. as long as I never asked you (in as nice way possible) to help with chores or pick up after yourself. You know my life's dream was to travel but every time I even mention a place I would like to go one day you immediately sigh at me and get irritated. I didn't like your lack of foresight You have a $50,000 school loan that you have no intention to pay back. Don't you see how that will ruin everything? You wouldn't be able to finance anything like a house or even college for your future children. I tried to nicely suggest a cleaning schedule so you could help me, but you immediately started shouting at me. I'm tired of mopping up your piss around the toilet bowl. I'm tired of the piles of clothes around the apartment and garbage everywhere. I'm tired of you accusing me of cheating on you every week even though I have never done so.

But you did love me and I loved you, and when you started shouting at me that day I realized I couldn't even sit down and talk to you about things that concerned me. I was never able to. I just hope that I am right to end it. I am an odd girl and you loved me for it. I don't think anyone else will. All in all... I hope you find someone who loves you and wants to take care of you, and have your children. When you look at your first born baby in the eyes I hope you see that it is the best day in your life and you couldn't have had it with me. There will always be a special place for you in my heart. I hope you treat this as a new beginning, and not an opportunity to become even more bitter. I love you until the day I die.

Confession #3143

for the husband of my heart; my one and only fish, my Boyo, whom I live with now: I love you so much. You are my friend, lover and soul mate; I feel safe (and very hot!) with you. I know you'll always be there for me. (This sounds so cliched) You have healed so much in my life. I am forever grateful.

Confession #3144

to my (thankfully) EX of five years:

When I first thought about doing this, I worried that it would be PAGES long: there were just so many things I was angry about. But as time has passed, I find i am no longer interested in complaining about your coldness, your lack of interest in me for 20 years of marriage, your blaming me for everything that went wrong and calling any request, be it ever so politely phrased "character assassination." I no longer care about those things. there is one thing i will not forgive you for. You intentionally and systematically alienated our daughters during the divorce. These are the children who were the whole point, you realize, for me marrying such a humorless, unimaginative and emotionally unavailable - not to mention sexually unavailable - in the first place. I wanted a child (you had no opinion, really) and T was born. Five years later when I got pregnant again you fought me tooth and nail until I miscarried. Two failed pregnancies later, I had S, thanks little to you and mostly to my own feeling that I had to make some sense of the bitter thing that was our marriage. I mothered and cared for them; the happiest times of my life (before now) are when I was raising them. I love my daughters more than I have ever loved anyone. You might have come to love them - as much as such a smug, self-righteous son-of-a bitch can love anyone - but i wanted them before they existed. Of course I made mistakes, but not from lack of love. They were 21 and 14 when we separated. "I'll take them with me," you snarled when I told you I wasn't moving, you were; I wanted to stay in the house where I'd raised them.

I remember when the younger daughter was being a bitchy teen, around the time just before you finally moved out - I knew she was upset about something andI wanted to talk to her but you refused to let me(!). When I insisted you sat in on the conversation and I still remember (you can bet she does too) you screaming at me "She doesn't have to listen to this!" which effectively ended the conversation. I decided not to pursue that because I could see how miserable she was. I worked hard to keep connected with her despite you badmouthing me at every chance. Her sister is older and saw through this fairly quickly (I didn't raise stupid children) but S is too young and too vulnerable and you succeeded with her. When I couldn't afford to live in the town where S went to school you agreed to let me see her in your house when you were out of town (the only time I ever saw her; fortunately it was quite a lot of the time, good parent that you are. (Yeah,I know; you called her on her cell every day.) then as soon as I had moved you changed your mind and said you had "been advised" it might not be "legal" for me to spend time with my 15-year old daughter in your house and I was reduced to inviting her for dinner every other month or so. And she was left lone while you went to conferences and visited your girlfriend.

S has had many difficulties in the time you have been the primary parent; the worst being when she had a nervous breakdown you failed to mention until she was actually in treatment. I don't blame all this on spite for me, although there is clearly a lot of that. Most of it is just your pig-headed conviction that if it works for you and doesn't cause you any trouble, it must be right. S is very mature; she can take car of herself. if she doesn't talk to anyone about anything, that's convenient since you really don't have time, emotional inclination or parenting skills to talk to her anyway. Fortunately, S has an intelligent and caring older sister, plus a good "alternate family." I love her and am still devastated by the rift between us. Maybe if you had given her some of the affection and care she I wasn't allowed to, I might eventually get over this. As it is, I will never forgive you.

Confession #3145

This would be my first confession. Im not even sure on where to begin, i have so much to say, so much to write, so much emotions that im going through.Ive known my husband for over ten years and things were good at the beginning but once i moved in with him, it was a whole different story. You learn so much about each other and you wished you never moved in or gotten married.... So move on to 8 years later, we are married with two kids, I can honestly say life has gotten so difficult that no one expects it. The love that once was there is all gone, the communication is gone. He really is a nice guy and supports us financially but that's it. Im pretty enough for guys to check me out but my husband doesn't even glance my way.Im young, pretty, fit, great personality (i feel like im selling myself here), im funny and i get along with so many people but not my husband. We do argue more than anyone i know that is if we are communicating, I have a high sex drive and he doesn't so im always being left out in the cold. I need more than life. I have been feeling this for the past two years now. Our life has not moved on, yes we have two kids but i need more in life. I need the excitement of seeing someone that you love, the connection that you only can get from a loving spouse. I need a house, i need to hear the "i love you" at least once in a while. I would love the hear i miss you, im thinking of you, what the hell just let me hear something besides 'can you do me a favor'. No screw you and your favore. So to my husband, you are a fucking slob, too lazy to pick up your dirty socks off of my kitchen counter, too lazy to pick up your dirty underwear from the bathroom, too lazy to look at me, too lazy to kiss me good bye or hello, but not lazy enough to ask for dinner or to mention your thirsty. I would love a break, I need a break from you because im so fed up with life. When i look at you I feel nothing, I do not feel like a wife but a roommate, I doubt this will last forever....

Confession #3146

7 months ago I found out you were cheating on me, by going through your texts since you had been acting so strange. You tried to deny it with a smile on your face and laughing, telling me I was crazy but I knew better. Then you finally fessed up and said we were done. I spent 8 years doing everything for you, taking care of the kids, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner every night, you always had clean clothes and your uniforms were ironed. I put my life on hold and moved every time the military demanded it. Moving 7 times in 8 years was not fun. Nor was raising the kids alone while you were gone for 10 months straight TWICE while you voluntarily deployed to Iraq. You treated me awful while I was pregnant with our daughter and you were in Iraq, because you didn't want another kid, and was mad that it was a girl. It takes TWO people to make a kid, I can't help it that the hormones in birth control didn't agree with me and that you refused to use a condom. So now you are in another state and blaming me for our financial trouble....the problem that you created! All those bills that are racking up- all you. I barely have enough money for groceries and gas every payday but you can spend $345 in four days in ATM withdrawls. Who knows where that is going. But now, you are going to Afghanistan to 'get the debt paid down and get rid of me'. Someday the kids are going to see you for what you are. Taking them for 4 hours is not 'taking them for the day'. You want to go out and have fun with them and bring them back to me like they aren't your responsibility also. They are still our kids, you need spend time with them. And I really mean it when I ask you not to bring your whore around them. You and the whore sleeping in the same bed when our kids are staying the weekend with you is NOT ok! She shouldn't be there in the first place, spend time with her on your own time, not the kids time! Don't worry, she is ten years younger than you, I am sure she will get sick of your crap soon enough. Oh, and as for trying to move your pay deposit and not giving me enough to support and take care of our kids? Well, my lawyer and the military will have something to say about that. I know it burns your butt that I haven't 'worked' for the last 8 years, but taking care of the kids is a full time job, and the fact that you can't take care of them, your apartment and cook for a weekend should tell you something! I would be heartbroken for my kids, but I don't know if I want you to make it back from Afghanistan. You have made my life hell and I am ready to move on.

P.S. You really should answer the phone when I call. You would never know if there was an emergency with the kids if you don't answer, and NO I will NOT text you in the event of an emergency because I am sure I will be otherwise occupied! Besides, it's not like I call to harass you like you do to me!

Done with you and your bull

Confession #3147

If I have slipped away to a little-used guest room to read a novel with the door closed, I might be able to listen to your hopes, dreams, worries, and concerns about the mosquito bite on your shoulder but I doubt I can do it without the annoyed look on my face. GO AWAY.

Confession #3148

about 80% of the time I hate you. I hate you for your illness and I hate that you are such a selfish prick. You say you love me, but nothing you do on a regular basis shows you have any respect for me in a practical way. I do 99% of the things in the house. Would it KILL you to cook when you know I hate it? So that instead of coming home from a 10 hour work day that dinner was cooking instead of me having to put my bags down and get out pots and pans? Could you put a f-ing dish in the dishwasher? Get off your ass and DO SOMETHING. I work. I don't care that you don't, but it seems like you might feel the tiniest bit of guilt over the fact that I work 50-60 hours a week and still do the laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. But it is not worth my time to tell you any of this, because it just makes my life more miserable. The idea of you pouting around being a wounded big two-year-old is completely not worth it. Besides, you would probably f-up what you did anyway..... you don't like stress, right? God forbid the least little amount of stress enter YOUR life. God forbid you have to fill out a FORM or something. You are like being married to a 12 year old. I frequently wish you would just die. Your health sucks anyway. Just go. You smoke like a flippin chimney, so let's just get it over with. You know why I don't nag you to quit? Cause I'm ALL FOR IT. Smoke away ass-hole. Shave another 10 years off my sentence. I frequently wish you would have been successful in your bid to kill yourself. My bad luck. Ah well. I am detached. You do whatever the hell you want. I have a full up life and refuse to let your sad-sack self drag my ass down.

Confession #3149

You are so handsome when you smile - really smile. I remember the man I fell in love with when I see you like that.

Confession #3150

ok, i'm really starting to resent you, dear husband. i don't think you realize how difficult it is to be alone with 5 week old infant and 2 dogs 20+ hours a day. you go to work at 7pm and get home around 8am. then you walk the dogs and go to bed and sleep until around 3:30 or 4pm. then you get up, walk the dogs again, eat, shower, and go back to work. sure, i know you have a tough schedule too (and i appreciate that you work hard so i can stay home with our son), but at least you get to sleep. i'm up all night long feeding our son and changing his diapers. i get to sleep maybe 2 hours at a time IF I'M LUCKY. and when i complained about being tired you actually said, "maybe YOU should go to work and I'LL stay home" i guess you think taking care of an infant (with absolutely zero help at all) is easier than dealing with stupid fucking retards who go to the ER for stupid fucking shit that doesn't even warrant going to the fucking work in a country bumpkin ER, not a big city ER where they actually get patients with serious issues. sorry, but i think my "job" is harder than yours is. i'm lucky if i can finish feeding our son his bottle without falling asleep and dropping the bottle on him sometimes. i'm lucky if i can take a shit in peace, or wolf down a bowl of cereal, or shower! and you never have to listen to our son scream...and boy, can he scream! and you don't have to try to make dinner and keep our son from screaming at the same time. i swear, if i WAS single, i would just eat cocoa krispies for every damn meal. i never even feel like eating the dinners i cook for you...i'm too fucking tired to eat! and you go to work and get to talk to other people. i socialize with our son and our dogs...don't get me wrong, they are all pretty good company (mostly when they are all being quiet and calm). in fact, they are all probably better company than you are. you have also said SEVERAL TIMES, "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED A KID." holy fucking shit...if i hear that one more time, FISTS ARE GOING TO FLY!!! sometimes i feel like packing up the van with our son and the dogs and just driving back to nj where i have family and friends. i am not enjoying feeling like a single mother with a roommate who is never here. and i've been doing this BY MYSELF ever since getting home from having the weren't even here to help me out when i was trying to recover! the one time when i did wake you up to take care of our son so i could attempt to get SOME sleep you got all pissy with me! WTF??? you might as well go out and get yourself a girlfriend if you want to have sex ever again too because i'm too fucking tired and i didn't ever enjoy it before anyway...i only did it to try to keep you i don't care about keeping you happy...i just want to sleep when i can and try to keep SOME of my sanity...

Friday, August 06, 2010

And in other news...

If any of you reading are interested, I am currently at BlogHer 2010.

Where I am not only rocking some seriously hot dresses and shoes, but also here as one of the Finalists for
BlogHer's Voice of the Year for my home blog, I am doing the Best I can.



Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Envisage Year 3

It’s that time again: Envisage 365, a daily photo project blog run by and for women, is gearing up for its—can you believe it?—third year, and is opening up the roster for participants once again.

You can see for yourself how Envisage works by visiting the current year’s website here: Envisage 2009-2010 or get more info about the details of participation by emailing Sarah, the project founder and leader, at

Like a fine wine, this project just keeps getting better over the years! Don’t miss out on what is going to be our best year yet; if you’re female-identified and interested in participating for the 2010-2011 go-round, send your inquiries to Sarah at the above email address by August 20, 2010 and prepare to start sending your photos in starting September 1, 2010. We look forward to “meeting” you!

Many of you now that I am involved with this project, and have been since the first year. I hope to continue into year 3, given my workload and other life situations. 

I have exclaimed my love of this project frequently. In a time when women can say that they don't identify as "Feminist", I can think of nothing more empowering than watching a group of women - virtual strangers - in their lives over the course of a year.  It is, possibly, the most feminist project I have seen run in a longitudinal manner. 

In substance, most of us have nothing in common.Different cultures,  Different races, Different sexual orientations, Different educational backgrounds and income levels. Some are married, some divorced, some happily Not married at all. Some have kids at home, others have adult kids and some have "fur babies". 

It is not a rah-rah club for stereotypes about women. It is not a contest to prove who is better at parenting or losing weight. It is a raw and at times painfully honest look at the lives of women. 

I won't lie. We sometimes get into tiffs on the group - especially in the first months of every new year. I told Sarah it is the "growing pains' of new members of our family coming in. Yes, Some photos bother some members. Some members are more comfortable with their sexuality and it's various expressions than others. We try to listen to each other and work a middle path that does not censor anyone's voice, while still discussing things we need to talk about. Some people choose to leave the project, and that is OK. It's not for everyone.

There is very little that is considered off limits, but disrespect is one of them. If you can't accept that other women do not live their lives like you do - be that sexuality, religion, marital status, politics or any other label and role that a women fills - than this is not the project for you. If you are ready to perhaps be challenged as to Who Women Are, than by all means, please join us.

Oh, and if you have not read Danielle's AMAZING post about why she identifies as a Feminist, do it.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

True Wife Confessions 314 cicadas singing

Confession #3131

When my mom was dying, I trusted you to take care of the kids, and yourself. What I didn't expect (since this was not the first time you'd been left with the kids), was that you would fall completely apart. You called me every night being whiney, complaining of chest pains, and how "hard" it was doing "all the kidstuff".

I was spending every second I could with my mom, and yet, you were constantly calling me. You did not stay at practice with our son, OR arrange for someone else to stay, even though that was a requirement. You did not go to our daughter's OPENING night. You told the son you had to be with the daughter, and told the daughter you had to be with the son. Instead, they both ended up alone. You are the adult. I am not saying you don't have feelings and concerns, but YOU are the grown up. YOU should have been comforting them. Their granny was dying, and I was in a scary place for them.

Instead? You just played video games or slept. You didn't interact with them at all. You did not clean, EVEN BASIC cleaning. The kids actually called me complaining about the house. You did not cook. Often left the kids to their own vices. You went to bed before they did, did not enforce bed times. You can not leave kids that young to their own vices!!

You went to the hospital with a panic attack, and cost us hundreds of dollars because you thought you were having a heart attack (You KNOW that wasn' t the case, you've had panic attacks before).

When I got home? The house was a wreck. I mean a nasty health hazard wreck. Gnats everywhere, all through the house. The only cleaning done had been done by the kids. I came in after 2 weeks of caring for my dying mother, lifting her, turning her, washing her, being on my feet or in an uncomfortable hospital chair for 12+ hours a day, and a goofed up flight, to having to clean the house, with bleach. (And on my best day? I am in constant pain, and because I am a mom, I don't take narcotics.)There was even an inch of cat litter on the bathroom floor. EW.

It has been a year, and I am still hurt and angry. Each time the collectors call for your medical bill, I get angry all over again. In two weeks time you lost your kids respect, and mine. When we try to talk to you about it, you go defensive and imply that the kids should have done more to help you. Perhaps they could have, but YOU ARE THE ADULT! The resentment that has built for them in the time since, is going to be hard to undo, because you are now resentful of them too, as though they betray you by not being little grown-ups.

I love you. I do. I want this to be behind us. However, if you continue to be so resentful, I will leave. Period. I do not deserve to live like this. The children do not. YOU do not. Please get your act together.

Confession #3132

I love my daughter but sometimes want my old life back. Don't think am mother material. I find lots of things a struggle when they shouldn't be. I have put on loads of weight and feel disgusted in myself. Have no sex drive. Husband understanding - says I don't disgust him which is nice. I used to have such self control and discipline - not any more - am like a leaf in the wind. Am trying to get healthy have joined WW, got all the manuals and not read a word as yet. Am on medication and getting counseling but gonna take time to break these habits and get my old self back - however she is. This is all I have to say hate talking about myself it seems self - indulgent and attention seeking

Confession #3133

I do the best I can and have done for 18 years, 10 of which we have had children. You are pessimistic, cynical and antisocial. I am opptimistic, positive and social. You are miserable, angry and stressed out permanently. You have smoked dope for most of your adult life and suffer from depression, (what comes first the chicken or the egg? dopey). You want to be the boss in the house and have control over our domestic life. You speak to our 7 year old soon like rubbish, call him an idiot and a dickhead and go off your head when he comes in for a cuddle on the weekend, by screaming "Get Lost!", nice. You criticise everything I do and say, passively agressively. You think you are always right and that smoking dope every single night, sometimes 3 or 4 times is not an issue. You have health problems and have been told that if hyou don't stop smoking or being so stressed you will have a stroke. We go away for our anniversary ( the 2nd time in 10 years) for one night and you don't even hold my hand when we are walking to the restaurant or out and about. You never say you love me and call me Grandma every night when I say I am going to bed. You will not go out for a date night and when we have gone out with other friends or family members you speak to everyone like rubbish and make everyone miserable. ( that has only happened 2 times this year) and only then you made sure you made me cry and upset before and during each event to punish me for asking you to go out as a family. You walk out of the house every morning without saying goodbye to anyone. This is no life, no way to have a family life and no way to have a marriage, I hate you so much. And I can't believe you have gotten away with it for so long. I am scared about starting seperation but what other choice do I have?. I can't stay with you anymore.

Confession #3134

To my husband:

You are a wonderful husband. I am so lucky to have met you. We have a beautiful daughter that you are an amazing father to. When you're at work all day I think the sweetest thoughts about you. I count my blessings. I count the minutes until you return home each day. And then I bitch and moan about everything. I never want to have sex. I hardly let you touch me and I'm rarely affectionate. I have no idea what my problem is. You're going to get fed up one day, I know it. Why wouldn't you? But I love you deeply and I'm sorry I don't show you.

Confession #3135

I started an affair in October last year, I thought it was just about the sex.
Now its been 9 months and I have fallen in love.
Thats the reason why I hate spending time with you.
Thats the reason why I don't come home after work.
Thats the reason why I can't look you in the eye.
Thats the reason why I don't tell you I love you anymore.
Thats the reason why I want to tell you that I will leave you.
But WHY can't I tell you that I want a divorce and be with HER?

Confession #3136

Truth be told I'm madly in love with you and I wonder every single day since the day you asked me where you could find the hoses what I did to get so lucky! I can see that you feel the same, ill tell you soon, but in a funny way I like not saying those 3 little words bc your actions are saying it for you, and just 4 the record, you are the only man I want to wake up to for as long as I keep waking up!

Confession #3137

After 13 and a half years, I wish that I could appreciate all you do and the father you are to our 3 kids. I'm too busy focusing on everything you don't and have never done for me. I know I sound ungrateful and jealous. I'd never take you away from the kids for a second but I wish SO much that you had a better balance and the ability to not say the WORST possible thing to me in any given situation, every fucking time. I love you and you are a wonderful daddy but you really suck as a husband.

Confession #3138

You used to think I didn't love you because I wasn't interested in sex. Now that I am, you say you've never felt so loved. That's ironic because the reason I'm so horny lately is because I've been exchanging erotic emails with an old friend. Your old friend.

Confession #3139

why do I fantasise about my 30 year old, six foot four, all muscle personal trainer? He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.When I'm training with him I am so distracted I can't take in the instructions he is giving me! Am I selfish and self absorbed? All my friends tell me how much you love me and how lucky I am to have you and I want to love you exclusively but some how I can't live up to this ideal. My personal trainer doesn't give a damn about me and I am not stupid enough to ever think he would but seeing him energises me. I never think of him when I have sex with you - that would make me feel terrible - but I am so conflicted. When we went away alone together without the children for the first time in seven years we had a lovely, loving, sexy time together and I thought you would want to do that again as much as I did. But you just said it was too hard. Maybe if you just acted as though you wanted to spend time with me and that it was not a chore my personal trainer would vanish from my thoughts. Then again, maybe not. The trainer is sooo hard to resist!

Confession #3140

Dear Husband of 15 years,

You're an asshole. You're a creep. You're an idiot.

I discovered last year how much of one you are. You have been cheating on me/us since day one with married and single women, with prostitutes, and possibly with men as well. You had the audacity to inform me that with two of these women you led them to believe that you were going to divorce me, marry them; so they could be your new wife and mother to our 5 children. Both of these women you confessed were prostitutes. The reason you told me you wanted to marry them was because they were pretty and had a job. What standing on the corner? You're 10 years older than me and these women were even younger than me. You're a pervert.

You're dirty. You smell. You rarely ever take a bath. You never brush your teeth. And most of the time you never shave. You're sick. And you wonder why. You look and smell like throw up and ass.

You preach to everyone that will listen how much of a good guy you are and that's why our children are so well behaved. You're stupid. You say how important it is to tell the truth and be truthful and seek the truth. You say you have morals and values, etc. You profess to be a Christian. You're a retard.

You're a coward.

Whatever I felt good for you has been destroyed. And somehow, our counselor told me, I was just to get over this. That you couldn't help it. That you were/are a sex addict. Both of you are full of SHIT.

The paycheck is nice though. I now have full control over all of it. Anything you pay her or is it him for a quickie bj in the parking lot will have to be with spare coin change that you accidentally find laying around. Good luck hunting for pennies! The kids and I will no longer go without because of your spending it on your selfish dirty self.

No one understands why I have stayed. I don't expect them to.

Happy 1st Discovery Anniversary - loads of sarcasm.

Here's to wishing you were dead instead,