Wednesday, April 28, 2010

True Wife Confessions Sweet and Sour 29

Confession #281

When I ask you what time you are going to be home from where ever it is your going, tell me what time you are going to be home. Don't tell me 10pm because you think that is what I want to hear and then come strolling in at 2am blaming it on the guy driving not wanting to leave. If you aren't going to be home at 10 then CALL ME! You have a cell phone that you use ALL THE TIME...just once, use it to call me and tell me you will be late. Or better yet, quit being such an inconsiderate jerk and come home on time!

Confession #282

I can't begin to explain how frustrating it is to go somewhere with you and never leave together. Or the fact that every moment off of work is hanging with your buddies...playin' cards. You do have a family you know...remember me? our boys?Not to mention the fact that HELLO we are getting married in 3 (yes...3) weeks and you are blowing our money on poker! You know for once...just once...I would love to be the irresponsible one. I would love to party with our friends and not worry about the children, the dog we are sitting for while YOUR parents are out of town, making sure the house is clean the fridge is full of food, the laundry is done and whatever else it is that I do....just once would be nice!

Confession #283

I hope she is worth it, I hope you find out whatever it is that her first two husbands found wrong, and hope that you one day kick yourself for giving up our 10 year marriage and our 3 year old daughter for your piece of ass that was just so good. I hope your daughter never finds out or figures out that her daddy wanted a better piece of ass than to fix what was wrong with our family. I sincerely hope that the person that doesn't like kids, and doesn't ever think kids should be at a party does not become the person that helps you raise our daughter

Confession #284

I want to have an affair with a black man that has a huge penis. When i am having sex with you, i am dreaming about a big dick in me stretching me out and loving it.

Confession #285

The only reason that I say hateful things about Japanese women is
because I feel like I will never measure up to your ex-girlfriend who
was Japanese. You have told me countless times that I don't have to
compete, and somewhere, deep in my heart I believe it. I just need
to get it through to my head. I am not as racist as I sound - just a
bit envious.

Confession #286

I am so sick and tired of you always being sick, having pains in your chest, pains in your ass cheek, and just being all around sick. when I met you you seemed somewhat strong and healthy, now 17 years later I am the one caring the 50 lbs of dog food & salt for the water softener & removing the cap off your ketchup bottle. I really think that all the meds that your on is not helping you but is killing you slowly. but you won't listen to me when I tell you this and you say that your just following doctor's orders. BULL SHIT- GET A BACK BONE AND LEARN HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH INSTEAD OF HAVING SOME QUACK PUSHING MEDS. ON YOU every time you go in for a check up.

Confession #287

I absolutely hate walking into the bathroom and stepping over your dirty clothes and towels just so I can use the toilet….Clean up after yourself you lazy scab…

Confession #288

Tonight was the last time that you speak to me like that in front of our children. When you speak to me like that you make yourself look like the immature, ignorant, and out of control asshole that you really are. The next time you choose to show your self like that I will take your flippant, "fuck off" advice to heart and leave you and your temper tantrums.

Confession #289

If you accuse me 1 more time of having a boyfriend then I WILL go cheat on you, there are 4 of them just waiting for the chance, then afterwards they'd love to come kick your sorry wife beating ass.

Oh and here's another for you, I'm filing for FULL CUSTODY with supervised visits and a DIVORCE tomorrow. I'm planning on leaving you high and dry fucker. This has been my plan for years, and my new found contact with old friends has pushed me into doing this.

Oh and I'm going out tomorrow night for my birthday and to celebrate me LEAVING you!!!

Confession #290

I hate that I'm the one who always buys you presents; you've never even written me a note before.

I hate that you always turn to me for money - never once have you bought me lunch, and you always ask me to pay you back for the things you help me buy. I must have spent hundreds and hundreds on you already, from the cumulative dollars here and there.

I hate that you tell me you felt jealous when I talked to this one guy a lot, but don't realise I felt the same way considering how 9/10 of your friends are females. I hate the way you have no inhibitions around them, never refraining from hugging them, getting all touchy-feely, then telling me that "they're just friends" when I object.

I hate the way you tell me I'm too sensitive, and that I have to learn to trust you. Trust is never given freely, and you haven't proven your worth.

I hate the way you compare me to your ex-girlfriends.

I hate the way you don't stand up for me, but stand up for other girls.

I hate the way you constantly tell me how pretty other girls are.

I hate the way you want to set up a band, a dance group, and all the other sort of shit with other girls, but never once want to include me in anything you do.

I hate the way you tell me that I don't communicate with you enough, and don't tell you the problems I have with you. And when I do, you somehow talk around it so it always ends up as my fault.

I hate the way you're always more than an hour late for our dates, leaving me to wait solitarily by the streets.

Most of all, I hate myself for not having the courage to tell you all this. I hate my heart for feeling so happy when I see you, that I'm never able to figure out whether I should leave you or not.

Monday, April 19, 2010

True Wife Confessions 28 Days Later

Confession #261

I don't say that I appreciate you enough. I spend more time bitching at you than saying how good you really are. It's wrong of me and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that when I get PMS I turn into a raging, insane BITCH. You deserve better.

Confession #262

My dad had come over to help pack up some personal items of mine from school and family heirlooms to store in their basement because we no longer had storage space at our place. Dad left the boxes in our living room and said he'd come back to get them the next day, then the two of us went to dinner. A few months later, my husband and I hit a rocky patch in the marriage. I went to stay with my folks. While in the basement, I found the boxes dad had packed. I unpacked them and found that items were missing. It turns out that while Dad and I were at dinner, my husband had carefully untaped each box and stole some items. Then he taped them back up so we'd never know it happened. The divorce papers came last week. THANK YOU GOD!

Confession #263

Your penis is unusually tiny. Maybe 4 inches? When not erect, I can't even tell you have one. I can't feel anything when we have sex. Here's a big reason for having sex before you get married. Or rather, a SMALL reason. Try before you buy, ladies!

Confession #264

I'm pretty sure that you know how much money I spend and you almost never call me on it. Well, maybe the time I spent 600 bucks at Hannah Anderson and you made me take half of the things back. But still

Confession #265

For the milionth time, I will never swing with you. I won't go to swing clubs or swing parties just to, "Check it out." You think they're going to be hot models? Reality check, honey. Most of them are white trash and most of them don't use protection because, "We're all married, so we're safe." Why didn't you tell me you were into this germy disgusting lifestyle BEFORE we got married?

Confession #266

The fact that you have stayed with me through all of my mental health issues, and have rarely called me crazy out loud, even when you are thinking it in your head? You took "the good with the bad" part of our vows seriously and I am eternally grateful.

Confession #267

My husband is dead set against sex toys. He asks me why I need sex toys if I have him around to satisfy me? I say it's something fun to add to our sex life. He said it's either him or the sex toys. So when he goes to work, I get out my hidden collection of sex toys and do myself silly. Maybe my husband does have something to fear. The sex toys are a lot better in bed than him.

Confession #268

It was just two days after I started the Pill and wasn't protected against pregnancy yet. I asked my husband to put on a condom before we had sex. He agreed. He leaned over to the nightstand and made a big effort out of opening a condom wrapper and putting it on. When he came, I felt it. I pushed him off me and saw there was no condom. He had MIMED putting on the condom and had hidden the condom under the bed. I demanded to know why. He said, "You're not gonna get pregnant, so what's the big deal?" It was the first moment that I felt fear in my heart that I had married the wrong man.

Confession #269

Do you not wipe after taking a dump? I do your laundry, you know, and I don't think you use toilet paper.

Confession #270

I love that you are the one who bakes for all school functions. Me? I would buy something, but you? In the kitchen, baking giant cookies or super fudgey browines.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

True Wife Confessions 310 dandelion blooms

Confession #3101

I can't say this to you because I want you to sign the damn divorce papers. When you said you finally got the courage to look at them this weekend,bullshit. You're holding on to them so that I'll file taxes with you for last year - no other reason, you asshole. And when you said you didn't look at my documents and just handed them to the accountant because its none of your business - it is everything I have not to tear you to pieces. YOU are not a noble or honorable person. YOU are the asshole who fucked around on me during our marriage and yet withheld sex from me for the past 3 years. And during the last year when you're going through alcohol detox and I was the good wife supporting you and being patient for the sex to return - you were drinking and fucking around. So, fuck you asshole. There is nothing honorable about you. Just sign the mother fucking divorce papers and get out of my life. I don't need you.

Confession #3102

I know you are planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday - because you are so Terrible at being sly and keeping secrets - and I hear you talking on the phone to people who must be flying or driving in and while you try to be vague, you just Aren't. And it is sweet. Terribly, terribly sweet, and I love you for it.

Confession #3103

I just give up.

Confession# 3104

Dear hubby,
On days where I'm super pissed off and in a foul mood when you walk in the door its a good suggestion to ask how you can help instead of telling me to pull my tampon out and get over it! You may work outside the home but what I do is work too! We have 3 kids together...all under 5. I don't just sit on my ass reading magazines and tan! Some days I don't even get to take a shower because I'm so busy! I love you dearly and would love to be in a better mood but when I'm required to do everything around the house plus all the errands and what not because heaven forbid you lift a finger or you'll freak out like a baby, it stresses me out to no end! Oh and one more thing...I was happy to get you the motorcycle you've always wanted, because you do work hard, but when you wrecked it being stupid without hesitation I gave you the money we were gonna use on a down payment for a new mini van..... And you had the audacity to be an ass for weeks following and you didn't even act like you appreciated what I did for you, I wanted to strangle you! Please PLEASE PLEASEEE grow up and realize that you have a great life! I love you more than you know!
Your stressed out wifey!

Confession # 3105

We've been together almost 8 years....and there are still no signs of us getting married. Both of our families ask us if we talk about it or have any plans. It's the same story: "Well, I want to get my career going and pay down some of my student loans before starting a family".

It's time to get real: we are in our mid-20's, and we've been together since high school. The real reason that we are not ready to get married is because you still work a part-time job and live with your sister, and I refuse to consider marriage because I am afraid of having to support a whole family on my own.

I love you with all my heart. You are my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without you. However, I will leave you in a year if you don't have your shit together. You need to grow up and realize that your current situation is not a good look. I won't bring you around my co-workers or to alumni parties because I am always embarrassed for them to ask you what you do for a living!

You have had so many epiphanies since you graduated from high school. After the first two, I really thought you were going to get it together and finish college and get a full-time job. But then after the fourth and fifth ones, I stopped paying attention. I don't care what kind of dreams you have, or what the little voice in your head told you, I am telling you to get an adult job and learn how to be self-reliant. You don't even have to finish school (college isn't for everyone)!!

The reason I get so irritated with yous sometimes is because I truly think that you don't care. You are comfortable being on the bottom, but I am not! It is time to put down the XBox controller and be a real man.

Confession # 3106

We've been together just over 5 years, you are 3 and a half years younger than me. I turn 32 later this year, and although I didn't want kids in the early part of our relationship.. I do want one now. Not lots, even one would be great. You know I feel this way these days, and although you don't have the same drive that I do, when I was pregnant last year, you were even more excited than I was. That pregnancy didn't turn out well, in fact, it saw me in an ambulance being rushed into emergency surgery with a ruptured tube on my left side. (ectopic) I lost that tube, and face a greatly diminished chance of ever having a successful pregnancy now. I hang on to the idea that we could still have a baby together, but cry to myself with every period. You tell me you want to stay with me forever, but here is the thing... if we can't have a baby together, I don't know if I do.
You would make the best father around. You are kind caring devoted artistic and fun. You cook the most amazing meals anyone could wish for. You make me die a little when you hang out with other people's babies or young children, the way you just get them, the way they just love you. I would give up any kind of material success to have that, you interacting in that way with our child. I would give every single thing for that. But if we can't have a child, I feel differently. If we can't, then I don't really know if I want to. See, you are pretty hopeless with money... You are an artist, I get it.. those two skills don't go hand in hand.. I on the other hand earn so much less than you, yet still managed to save the deposit for our home, pay the bills, put something aside for (hopefully) some improvements on our home. If there is no baby, and I have spent the prime years of my life where that was possible with you.. then what is the point? I am not afraid of being poor, but would I really choose it for no reason? If we can't have a baby, do I really want to spend the rest of my life bailing you out of your credit card debt?

Confession # 3107

I am furious about the amount of money you spent on the new TV (without consulting me, I might add), the amount of money we spend for satellite TV every month, and the amount of time you spend watching the damn thing. Your life, your childrens’ lives, and our life together are all passing you by while you sit in front of that giant time and money sucking hole every day.

Confession # 3108

I see the texts on your phone, dumbass. I know where you are going and who you are seeing. I care less about who you are fucking and more that you think I am so oblivious that I wouldn't notice. You haven't been able to out think me in 15 years, what makes you think you can now?

Confession # 3109

We have had a rough last 5 years, I will admit. We have been through everything imaginable while our life took a whole new shape & form. I am going to be honest, I don't know how we have made it, but somehow we have. I feel closer to you than I have in our 15 years of marriage & our kids have only benefitted from us growing closer. I know that your ego took a huge hit when you lost your job & we solely survive on my income now, but you took a huge step and started back to school. You have no idea how much i respect you for how hard you are trying. I just don't know how to tell you that. Everytime I try, you just say "Well you did it for us, so I can too." I am not trying to compare us, I just want you to know how I feel. Do I get frustrated sometimes with you & your procrastination, YES! Does that mean I don't love you and I'm going to leave you? No, it just means I'm frustrated with you at that moment. After everything that we have been through I know you think I'm gonna leave, but I LOVE YOU and You are stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere. We have made it through this we can make it through anything. <3

Confession # 3110

Sleeping in separate bedrooms may be what saved our marriage. I don't have to hear you snore, or listen to the radio or fight with you about if it is too hot or too cold. I know it sounds odd, but I like when you visit...then go back to Your bed in the other room. This works out really well for us and when we first did it, I thought it signaled an end to our marriage. It may have been a new beginning.

Monday, April 05, 2010

True Wife Confessions Round 27

Confession #261

I've reached the end of my rope. I am no longer in
love with you. Your fart jokes are no longer amusing.
When you touch me, I just want to push you away. I am
in love with someone else. The only reason why I keep
you around is for the paycheck, as shitty as it is. As
soon as I start making more money, your ass is gone.

Confession #262

I really think it is your job to teach our little boy how to ride a bike. The fact that you have never taken the time to teach him how is driving me insane! Especially since you spend at least 15 hours a week on yours!

Confession #263

Couldn't you, just once, say SOMETHING during sex? Tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm hot, tell me I smell great, tell me I turn you on...SAY SOMETHING--even if you have to lie a little bit! Your moans and groans just don't always do it for me...throw me a frickin' bone, PLEASE? Haven't you ever read a magazine article about women and sex before--it all starts in the brain, my love! Tickle me THERE before you go anywhere else! Maybe if you had been saying that kind of stuff all along in our 20 years together, I wouldn't have gained all this weight. I would've known I was attractive and not just some lump you want to screw a couple of times a week just because I'm there.

Confession #264

Why is it that you can do that fantasy role playing with your friends and
on-line but you can't role play with me in bed?

Confession #265

I am leaving you because I hate your fu*&ing kids

Confession #266

You have absolutely no right to complain about our sex life when you turn down shower sex all the time simply because you don't like to bathe. Oh, and no, I won't put my mouth there till you're clean. Why is this hard to understand?

Confession #267

It really hurts when I tell you exactly how I want you to make love to me
yet you never listen. You start us right back into the same position doing
the same thing. Maybe a little change won't make it feel like such a chore
for you.

Confession #268

Sometimes when you sleep, I lay by your side and start to cry. I picture what it would be like if you died in a tragic accident. To be honest, I don't think I could keep on living if that happened.

Confession #269

What guy walks around with hair down to his butt anymore? Oh, you're keeping it REAL, staying true to your ROCKER ROOTS? God, even Tommy Lee has short hair these days. You look like a woman. A really ugly woman. And I'm sick of everyone thinking we're lesbian lovers. It's embarassing. YOU'RE A TINY, SKINNY MAN. You cannot pull off super long hair. CUT IT, you 80s hair metal band looking reject.

Confession #270

Your breath stinks 24 hours a day. What died in your mouth? Maybe you should see a doctor. Why do you think I keep mints in both cars and almost every room in the house? If you get into bed and want to have sex with me one more time without gargling first, I am going to puke on you. How can you not be aware that your mouth stinks that badly?