Monday, January 25, 2010

True Wife Confessions 24, Sans Kiefer Sutherland

Confession #231

Sometimes I wonder if we should really be together. If it weren't for our
daughter, I'm not sure I would put up with your bullshit.

Confession #232

Have I told you I hate your family? From your alcoholic brother, to your
sister and her inane blathering about nothing, to your father who watched
me from our living rooom, drinking coffee, while I shoveled 18 inches of
snow from our driveway at 6am before I went to work, to your mother who
said "I'll just make some dinner for me and your father" after I came home
from work and picking up our son from football. I mean, hey, don't bother
with us.... we aren't tired or hungry and god knows, we don't have to
eat...... assholes. Next time you go into the hospital and they come to
"help", tell them I'd rather sit through a discussion of third world
politics with Paris Hilton.... at least it will be shorter than their visit
and I know there is an end in sight.

Confession #233

Why do you get pissed off when I ask you not to say inappropriate things in front of our children? I appreciate the fact that you think I'm sexy, but when our seven year old son snuggles up to me and lays his head on my chest, don't look at him and say "hey, those are MINE." That is just wrong, and could be confusing to a child.

Confession #234

I rarely ever orgasm with you. I've faked it 99% of the time that I've been with you. Now that we have two small children, and you continue to not show me any day to day affection, or appreciation, yet have the ability to criticize multiple times a day, I loathe every time we have sex. I find no enjoyment in it. It's all an act. I just go through the motions and wait for it to be done and when it is, I just feel cheap and used up. You're sucking the lively hood out of me, and I just let it happen because I would never be able to support the kids with out your income

Confession #235

Please, for the love of GOD, tell your friends that I don't want to host guests EVERY NIGHT!!! I don't want to go to someone's house to hang out every night that we don't have guests, either. I want some time, just the two of us, to run around the house in our underwear, so to speak. I hate that we can't even spend our ANNIVERSARY together without five different people trying to convince us to go hang out with them even after I've politely declined their offer, explaining that it's our anniversary!!! Some of these friends are in their thirties and forties. They should be grown-up enought to take NO for an answer the first time, not to mention the tenth time I have to say it! If you don't tell them, so help me God, I'm going to tell them, and when I do, we just might have plenty of one-on-one time together for quite a while, get it? And BTW, don't try saying it's her just the same as him, because she's told me she'd rather the two of them spend some alone time at their own house, if she could get him to. You could also be a man and tell them NO yourself, instead of telling them to ask me every time! Grow some, and JUST SAY NO!!

Confession #236

I remember telling you after dating for a month that I had done some things I was not proud of and that if you couldn't handle it you were free to leave. Basically, I would never tell you my NUMBER. Give you the LIST. And I wouldn't want to know yours. You hugged me and said that you didn't care what I had done before. You loved me for who I turned out to be because of those experiences. But, after three years of dating and two years of marriage, you've started to take jabs at the amount of guys I've slept with. I fucking hate you for that. It's really not fair. Doesn't stop me from loving you because I think you're feeling insecure about our postmarried kind of boring sex life, but it still pisses me off. Don't throw that shit in my face.

Confession #237

Yes, I have a cocktail in my hand. Again. For the third night this week. I am the sole caregiver for our young children. The fact that I have a cocktail in my hand 2-3 nights a week...the moment you walk in the door? Ought to be a given!

The fact that I don't wake up in the morning, roll out of bed and immediately pour myself a martini? Well, that is more of a miracle than the Virgin Mary!

Confession #238

You think I'm the perfect wife. You think I enjoy cuddling with you. You have no idea that I'm in love with a woman and have learned why I was never comfortable with the physical part of our relationship.

Confession #239

I'm having a hard time remembering why we got married in the first place, the level of resentment that I feel on almost a daily basis is really starting to "taint" my outlook. I'm tired of coming to you and asking, begging, pleading, yelling, seducing, talking to you about the same thing over and over. I've tried every tactic and it's always the same, I get nothing. How can you expect me to not feel this way when day after day you come home from work and leave it all up to me??? You work late, come home, eat your dinner and spend a lot of your free time on the computer. Do you not realize how shitty I feel when I tell you that I feel lonely and that I need you? Do you not realize how angry it makes me??? Do you not realize that you are supposed to be the 'man of the house' and you need to step it up and HELP ME???? I don't think I can lower my expectations anymore than they already are. This is not the kind of relationship I wanted and it makes me sad.

Confession #240

You made me stop drinking, when you are the one with the outrageous drinking problem. It is so bad, I can't even drink wine with my dinner. When I tell you I'm going to my mothers house for the weekend to help her out, I'm really checked into a hotel drinking all weekend with my girlfriends, and you are the one footing the bill.

Monday, January 11, 2010

True Wife Confessions 307

Confession #3071

You have a cold. You are not going to die (unless I strangle you for being such a punk when you have a cold).

Confession #3072

You heard her vomiting, so your fake "I didn't hear it cause I was asleep and thought it was a dream" thing is NOT working. I was not a happy parent to have to deal with the vomitfest alone.

Confession #3073

I found out your gift to me this Christmas only cost $29.00 and then you said you had a $10 rebate to mail in. So you only spent $19 on me?? I am not materialistic and would be perfectly satisfied with this until I saw your other gifts to your mother and son. You spent well over $300! WTF? Am I not worth more than that? After all I do for you? I regret spending so much on you and wish I could take it all back. This is just icing on the cake compared to the other things you have done the last few months. Apparently the only people you aim to please is your immediate family that obviously I am not part of. And by the way, those gift cards you received for those restaurants. God forbid you take me out to a nice dinner. In fact go ahead and spend them with your buddies drinking at lunch.....Things are about to change drastically between us. You're such an asshole!

Confession #3074

im sick and tired of your whining and 'me me me' attitude. u sound just like a four year old and its getting on my nerves. im not sure if i even love you anymore! u rarely act like a man! the only time u did act like one was when i ended up in hospital NEARLY DEAD. that was the only time in nearly two years. why? why do you make commitments and promises and tell me that you'll grow up and u don't even TRY to keep them?!
i cant even talk to you about my problems or my day anymore because all you want to do is talk about YOURSELF and YOUR work and YOUR insecurities and YOUR problems! dont i exist? if i even try to approach you about this fucked up attitude of yours you just start crying even if we have a small fight! i dont even cry as much as you do! im a woman! u cry more then a girl! why do you do this to me? you've shattered all of my self esteem just because you havent got any or at least pretend you don't, you just lean on me for everything and i cant even TALK to you about my problems because u start talking about yourself and how much u dont like your workplace and how much u dont feel like going to work and how much u dont know how u can have more self confidence.. well even i have got my own problems mister. grow up! u say u cant have a normal self esteem.. why? i have a normal one and i had a hard and abusive childhood and u've had a perfect one and claim u havent got any self esteem?!
i dread the days when im going to see u because everytime i say a tiny bit about myself u start huffing and puffing because u say that all i talk about is my hair and make up and my friends. what do you want me to talk about?? how great u are? you sometimes ask me why i dont open up that much to you nowadays! its obvious why i dont open up to you! u're the most self-centered person i know and yet you claim that you're not! what do YOU want from me?!

and yet everytime i feel like i want to leave u, something happens and i get all stiff because i dont know how i can do it, uve done soo much for me and i know u love me! u treat me like a princess and try all that u can to cheer me up and make me happy whenever something goes wrong or i've had a bad day and i feel so obligated towards you! yet you always manage to get me wrong and now im so confused i feel like crying every time i talk to youand although sometimes i feel like i want to leave you, other times i feel like i cant be without you and yet when you do all those fucked up things u seem to love to do, i feel like i resent you and i dont want to be with you and i want everything to come back the way it was when we were still friends and u were always doped up on everything u laid hands on and i was always running around with my best friends and do whatever i wanted to do with them because i love them so much and i love u too but i cant do stuff i want to do with you sometimes! i cant even get slightly tipsy or drunk when im with you because u start acting like some sour puss even when your friends talk to me u seem like u get jealous and everything even if a guy talks to me u seem like u want to break his nose! u know i hate that you make me feel incompetent and unable to do stuff by myself! now because of your fucked up attitude im starting to like someone else and i REALLY like him i look foreward to talk to him and everything even though i know i shouldnt feel this way but i cant help it :s u really make me feel like im locked up in a room where i cant express myself or anything! i dont even THINK about telling u all this because if i do, im sure u'd misunderstand me like u do all the time when i try to tell you and ull start crying and telling me its not ur fault and you'd blame everything around u and even myself and u wouldnt even let me finish ONE sentence! i really want to show u this but i cant.. im even feeling tired every time i talk to you and i feel like im really doing a huge effort even by answering the phone every time u call me because ur so fucking insecure that u ask me all kinds of questions from WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY DIDNT YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?! to am i bothering you? or even 'am i doing good? am i man enough now?

yes sometimes you do bother me! i've got so much to tell u and u dont even let me say a single word and then u make me feel really guilty because u start crying and whimpering and saying its all your fault and when u do that u make me feel soo frustrated i feel like i cant even talk about my feelings and i have to do everything to please you..

oh and dont get me started by the sex and how good it was at first and how now i dread it and prefer masturbating more then doing it with you..

Confession #3075

Why is it that you can NEVER let me be my own person. You said that you would change and I could start to have my own friends...But then you go back to your old ways..i thought you learned when i went away that I could do this without you..And you what, you just should me that you will never change...FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU...

I was so much happier when i was away, I was me..Do you really care to really get to know me and who I really am...

Maybe if I am really gone from here and there is no way that you can ever hurt me again...would you even care..i doubt you will give a shit if i didn't wake up tomorrow.

But I promised a very special person in my life that i would never leave him or my girls to deal with that kind of pain..

Confession #3076

I don't like taking care of you. You are worse than any child. I thought marriage would be a team effort at raising children, taking care of a home, etc. You however, seem to think we are all in servitude to you. That if you just "show up" you are contributing. That communicating means being under the same roof. You think sitting in the same room gets you brownie points. That coming home at 7:00 from the gym each night to have a meal with you wife in kids in your sweaty gym clothes is a sacrifce. Your youngest goes to bed at 8:30. How can you really get to know her, you eat, you shower, you plant your butt in front of the TV night after night. Sometimes you make it to bed and sometimes you don't. You can't talk about anything interesting, you only talk about you and your work.

What happened to the guy that I dated. We danced, we traveled, we went to movies, we took the kids to the park, on so on and so on. We talked on the phone for hours when we were dating, now a grunt or a work rant is the extent of our dialogue.

Oh, I know. You got everything you wanted. Custody of your daughter, me, a new house, a new job, and a new baby. Well, you are gonna lose it all. You have already lost your oldest daughter. You are too interested in yourself and your needs to see that you are losing the people around you.

Your mood swings suck! You have more PMS than I do. Your either totally checked out and wrapped up in your own thoughts or you are ranting because everything didn't go your way. You say you are "self contained" I say you are selfish.

You don't help around the house. You resent doing anything in the yard.. You are boring. You let your own 2 year old grab "big girl" scissors and sit right beside you while I am getting are so involved with your precious TV you dont' even notice. Christ. How did your first daughter survive you????

Checked out. Now it's my turn. Focus on your family, focus on your marriage. Get out of your own head! PS- let's have sex sometime other than midnight. PSS- let it last more than 3-5 minutes! What did you use up all your energy at the gym and all of your creativity at work????

ARRRGGGHHH! The next ten years are mine :-) Pay attention. Change is in your future.

Confession #3077

My father died nine years ago, but this morning I had such a vivid dream that he was standing next to me in my old house. He was giving me comfort because I was frustrated about the piles of clutter, worn-out junk, and garbage everywhere because I'm very proud of keeping a very tidy house. He kissed me on the top of the head, gave me a shoulder-to-shoulder hug, and said, "It's just a phase. This too, shall pass." I woke up smiling because he used to say that phrase every time I realized I had to break up with some immature jerk of a boyfriend that was using me, was using drugs, was unreliable, or was just generally no good.

Seconds after I got up to let the dogs out, I heard you stomping around and acting like a little child because you couldn't get my truck to start. You wrecked your car last week, and you keep changing the blame among icy conditions,the quality of your tires, and the unpredictability of front-wheel drive cars. (You could have slowed down on the slick roads, you had the money to buy tires but chose to save it instead, and I managed to get my front-wheel drive car four times the distance without incident by driving cautiously.) I went back out into the storm and spent two hours waiting with you for the tow truck to take the car to a mechanic. I even bought you dinner afterwards. I don't want to be your chauffer until it's fixed, so I let you borrow my truck this morning. It's not as fancy as the classic car you have sitting in the garage or the other classic car you're having rebuilt, but it runs and has good tires. My truck ran just fine yesterday when it got an oil change and clean bill of health from the mechanic, and it started just fine when I went out there in my pajamas to give it a try this morning. Instead of admitting you're an idiot, you continued to shout and act as if your problems were somehow my fault. Not only are your problems not my fault, there isn't a single one of them I haven't helped you deal with. The fact that you would stand there taking your frustrations out on me moments after I'd gotten out of bed is a real eye opener about your maturity, your character, your gratitude for the generosity of the people in your life, your ability to plan and solve problems, and further proof that you're not right for me. You want to shout? Bring it on, my daddy didn't raise a door mat. You're lucky I decided not to kick you to the curb today. I'm not doing a damn thing for you until you apologize and sound like you mean it. Let's see what a few weeks of riding the bus does to your attitude.

Confession #3078

I know what I’m doing is wrong and that I’ve finally turned into a “statistic” but I feel like I can’t help myself. I’m your average, middle class, married working woman, two kids, nice house, church going, supportive family. Everything that should make me a “good” person. Here I am in the midst of a tumultuous affair with my next-door neighborhood.

We started as neighbors, friends. A little banter here, a little banter there. Suddenly I was in a whirlwind of having a crush. It was fun, harmless I told myself. Then that fateful night came. A neighborhood party. We hung out for hours, totally PG flirting. HE confessed HE wasn’t happily married. I could feel the tension between us. The interest. The desire. A few days later, a rare warm late fall day we got to be outside for hours with the kids. Flirting was rampant though kept in check due to the presence of both our spouses. In an opportune moment, HE leaned over and whispered HIS email address to me and asked me to email HIM the next day.

Our email exchange was/is ridiculous. Sometimes as many as 50 emails back and forth a day. Pushing for more information, teasing, flirting, challenging me. I had the opportunity to be home early one day and let HIM know. HE came over to “talk.” I was a nervous schoolgirl. Couldn’t hardly look HIM in the eye. Things got close, intense. HE said I had to make the first move; I started to and then hesitated. He pulled back. A moment later, HE dove in. The most amazing kissing of my life. All the while, I was thinking, “I am breaking my marriage vows right here in my own kitchen with my next door neighbor. Seriously? This is my life?”

More phone calls and emails. Such chemistry. A few days later things progressed. I stopped just in the nick of time. Who am I doing this? On my own couch with my own neighbor? More days passed. Hundreds of emails, more than a few phone calls. We started having sex on a fairly regular basis.

Almost three months later, I’m obsessed, wrapped up in a web of mixed emotions. I long to be with him but know it’s virtually impossible. Relationship with husband is seriously on the rocks and essentially over. All that’s left is for me to tell him it’s officially over. Know I’m hurting him but feel like I can’t imagine a life with us together ever again. As much as I try not to think of a “future” with HIM, it’s getting harder by the day.

We avoid talking about feelings other than to tease each other. We both have said we’re crazy for each other. My marriage is/will be ending soon. Not so sure about his. Life is complicated. Now the question is, will I be happy being the other woman in his life if he decides he can’t leave yet?

Confession #3079

I sleep terribly when you are away on business.

Confession #3080

Dear Friend,

We have known each other for 10 years now. When we met, I was married. I knew you were attracted to me because I was the first woman you approached that night. I know I was the first because I noticed you when you walked in the door. We talked for a half an hour, just about random things before it came up I was married. You immediately got up to pursue other interests.
It is good that you did. I never cheated on my husband, nor was I ever tempted. But after getting to know you over the years, in every way, you could have been the one to tempt me. Thank you for not tempting me. Instead, you end up with my best friend. Whew, I thought that was great. You would be a good friend and had a good woman and it was how it was supposed to be.
Fast forward 2 years. Here I am going through a divorce and quite confused about it. I never had second thoughts about you, but you were a dear friend to me during that time. You gave me a male perspective when all I had were my female friends' thoughts and advice. The three of us became fast friends. It was alway the three of us.
I remember the first night you approached me. The three of us went out; you, me and your girlfriend, who was my best friend. I remember feeling low about my self for some time and got dressed up that night. You immediately took notice and complimented me. I didn't think anything of it; just a nice compliment from a friend. We went to a couple of bars before finding one and staying there for the evening. We were all having a great time drinking and dancing. I remember needing to take a break so I sat down at our table. She stayed up on the dance floor and you came to join me soon after. We were just randomly talking for a while and then you said it.
You told me how attracted to me you were. How you always had been. Then you told me how you thought about contacting me while she was out of town because you found a scrap of paper with my number written on it. I asked why you didn't and you had said you weren't sure how I would react. I at that moment still was unsure of how to react. When I did react, well we know what happened.
Somewhere between the alchohol, the sexual tension between us and the knowledge that I could take something away from the "perfect" best friend, we ended up outside behind the bar completely engrossed in each other's lips.
That in itself was wrong. We were almost caught right then and there. We should have credited it to a drunken mistake. Are either of us that easily right minded and strong willed? No, we had too much chemistry and curiosity to stop there. We managed to figure out that we would leave my car at the bar and I would go to you and her's place because I was too drunk to drive, then you would take me to get my car in the morning on your way to work. We tried that night when she passed out, but we were too paranoid and felt too guilty. Again, we should have left it at that. Not us!
We had an awkward ride to my car. Very quiet and reflective of what happened or didn't happen the night before. When we reached my car, that elephant that was sitting in the backseat piped up. You asked if we should or were going to continue with the events of the previous night. I should have said no. I could have said no. I said to follow me home.
We proceeded to have AMAZING sex. So amazing that we are still having it 8 years later! We should have never started, considering the circumstances. But we did, and I have enjoyed every minute of it.
Yes, there were several years that we did not see each other. We would talk occasionally, to keep up. But I was around when you first met your wife, and continued to be around well into your courtship. We only played once while you were actually married, and only because I was broken up with the man I spent 5 years with. Why was it ok with me for you to be the cheater but not me? I will never know the answer to that.
We then move forward to this past summer. You called me out of the blue and told me you were getting divorced. I know it crushed you and you needed a friend. Not just sexually, but just someone to be there. I was dealing wiht the realization that the last break-up with him of 5 years was just that; the LAST break-up because it was really over. So in the last 10 years, we have both walked each other through a divorce and a break-up or two.
Of course we started sleeping together. That is what we do. We are too attracted to eache other and have amazing sex and neither of us has to put another notch in the belt or try to invest in something new. We started off by getting together once, maybe twice a week. Then one night you asked me to stay. We had never spent the night together. You held me all night. I liked it.
I liked it because it was comfortable. It was nice to be held. You feel the same. We started spending every night that neither of us had our kids together. It would progress to 4-5 days a week. We got into very heavy conversation. There "I love you's" thrown out. There were all the "what might have beens". Then you got to the "Who cares if she finds out? It's been so long". We do love each other, I think more than each of us will admit, but we can't be together. And that is all on me.
I am not willing to give up that friendship and many other friendships that will sever if the truth of us ever came out. I wish I could, but I can't. You make me laugh. We can talk about anything. We can be silly. We dance. We are too much alike. We better each other. But it can't happen and we both agree on it.
So if we both agree on that, and we both like spending this time with each other, are we hurting or helping each other? I think it's both. You do too. We have both said that it will break both of our hearts the day one of us walks away due to finding someone else we can be with. But I am not actively pursuing that avenue. The main reason is that I don't want to find someone I actually like and have to give you up. You are comfort to me.
For that reason, I said we should slow down. I am getting too attached. You agreed. But we also agreed to get through the holidays because no one wants to be alone. We made it through Thanksgiving. Now let's get through the New Year and see where we are.
I love you and I know you love me. Whether we are in love, I don't know and don't think that we would ever admit it if we were. But I do know that I have become a better person because of you. You made me believe that I am good enough. Even when I am not feeling like I am. I know I have helped you get to a better place as well.
No matter what happens, we know that we will always be the best of friends and we will have each other in our lives for the rest of them. I love you friend.
Let's dance tonight!