Wednesday, September 26, 2007

True Wife Confessions 211 Steel Reserve

Confession #2101

I HATE YOU, can't you see I want to be your wife? Why won't you even consider that after four years it is either we talk about getting married or we break up. I don't want to waste four more years with you. You wonder why I am happy one minute, then angry, then depressed, then crying. THIS IS KILLING ME, you are the one, why am I not the one?

Confession #2102

Your emails to your ex-husband depict yourself to be a rather jealous and bitter woman. Did you honestly think telling him about your sexual encounters would make him jealous? Do you think he was turned on about you joining some S&M group? It only convinced him how bi-polar you really are and how he made the right decision divorcing you. How do I know? He tells me everything whenever you send him a nasty email or call him to give him a hard time. I gotta thank you for doing so, for we have such great sex after laughing at your emails and I notice that he appreciates me more!

Confession #2103

We argued the other night .. it was bad. You're convinced that our little girl 'cries for no reason' because I baby her. I babied our son far more than you ever knew and he wasn't a crier. I think it's just the difference in kids and in genders. But when you BLAME me for it, that doesn't do anything to make you look good in my eyes. It makes angry and hurt. I cry about it because I'm so pissed off I want to kick your ass for saying things like that.

Oh ~ and you need to figure out if it's funny or not when I tickle your nipples. Sometimes you laugh at it and sometimes you get mad. The last time (same night as above) it made you mad and you screamed, cussed and said some horrible things to me.

And here's the Dali ... Women do NOT get their asses beat by their men because 'they run their fucking mouths and don't know when to shut the fuck up." They get hit by their men because their men are ASSHOLE COWARDS with other issues and not much intelligence.

I know as sure as I'm sitting here typing this that you were going to say: You make me want to punch you right in the mouth. You didn't .. you only said part of it. But here's the thing - if I "make" you feel that way than you don't have much self-control. Maybe you should work on that. 'K?

Confession #2104

"Grow up" what I feel to be your last words to me. I feel like being
with you did make me grow in many ways. Not ,maybe, in the way you
mean, but growth nonetheless. I learned alot from being with you. I
learned alot about myself, and not all of it is easy to admit to
myself. I am not a very nice person sometimes, I am childish, selfish,
and somewhat spoiled. I am also generous and forgiving, and weak. I
let you walk all over me, treat me like dirt. I was stood up, cancelled
on, kept waiting; I had promises broken, confidences betrayed, and I
forgave, I understood, I waited, I listened to new promises and shared
new confidences, always ready to believe you. Fool me once, shame on
you, fool me twice....

I have taken off my rose colored glasses, I see you for what you
are, not what I wanted you to be, not who I wanted you to be, just who
and what you are. You are not all bad or good, wrong or right, and
neither am I.

I will miss you, more as time goes by and the rose tint clouds my
memory again......

But for now, I agree with you, too much drama. Mine and yours. Mine
is thankfully under control, funny how alcohol can have such a negative
effect on people and situations, how caring can come across as anger.
Yours is different, understated maybe, but there. I hope you can find
what you want. I hope someday we can be friends. But someday may not
be in the near future. Yet somehow I think that if we ever reach that
point it will be hard fought and well worth having waited for.

Confession #2105

I know your ex girlfriend emailed you back. I know she sent a picture. HELLO? We share a computer! Did you think I would not see the pic of her that she sent?

I'm hurt that you never told me. I mean, really, I'm the one who told you to email her back when she contacted you to begin with. I'm hurt that you are hiding this from me and I don't know how to bring it up. Why can't you be honest with me about it?

If you're worried that I am jealous, trust me, NOTHING could be further from the truth. She looks like a 50 year old grandmother with a bad poodle perm. I know I am hotter than she is and always will be. I also know that you would never take her back after all the things she did to you. I also know that you know that this, us, our marriage, is the best thing to ever happen to BOTH of us and we're a team.

I admit, I want you to mention the picture so I can openly gloat. What did you see in her?

Confession #2106

I was lying still in a darkened bedroom at 11 o'clock at night. You walked in, nudged me, and asked "are you going to sleep?" No, I'm mowing the lawn, dumbass. And you wonder why I'm so moody and cranky all the time.

Confession #2107

I'm starting to hate your step mother.
Some grandparent she's turning out to be.
Selfish, bitch!

Confession #2108

To my husband:

We are coming up on our 10th anniversary and I don't know if I want to celebrate or run away. I have been so patient after all these years, hoping you would change a little - meet me halfway - to make our marriage stronger. To my disappointment, you have not changed much. You are still smoking, unromantic, unhelpful with household chores, selfish, and rude. I am so very tired of fighting over your ashtray breath and lazy, selfish ways. I really wish you would try to change some of these things for the sake of our family. Don't think I won't leave you because I can and I will. I know we have two small children but what difference will it really make if we aren't together? You only see them for a few minutes every night anyway, sometimes not at all because your work comes first.

I hope you will see what you have before you lose us. I am only still here because I want us to work out so badly. When I married you, I said for better or for worse and I take that seriously. However, everyone has a limit and I'm reaching mine. Please listen to what I'm saying and work on becoming a better husband and father. Your children and I need you and want you to be a part of our lives but if you refuse to change, even a little, our days together as a family will be numbered. I simply cannot go on living an unsatisfied life with you. I know that marriage should not be this hard and the kids and I deserve a better life.

Confession #2109

We've been together for 5 years, married for 3 and I can't be with you
anymore. I accepted your cheating on me with your sons mother,
abandoning me while I was pregnant for a week while you hung out in
another state. I've put up with you hitting me and belittling me in
front of our daughter. And while you continue to disrespect me and treat
me like gum under your shoe, I found love in the arms of my co worker. I
am about to leave my job for a better one, and once my money is saved up
I'm leaving you because I want to raise our daughter alone and teach her
that she is strong and I don't want her to see the way you treat me
anymore. I never want to be married again and I just want to be the
person my mother raised me to be, independent.

Confession #2110

My fantasy is to leave you home alone with the kids for 2 weeks so after I
come back home you would appreciate me more. I would go on a cruise and
drink lots of frilly drinks and get massages every day and lay in a deck
chair and read in the afternoons. But I know in real life I would hate
going on a cruise without you and I would miss the kids terribly.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

True Wife Confessions 210 - the year the Romans make peace with the Scots

Confession #2091

Thank you, sweetie, for everything. I would never have gone back to school,
I would never have found my calling, I would never have found love without
you. I love your child, and my child, and the family that we make up (as
dysfunctional as it can be occasionally) and I love the past that we have.
I love the way that you make me laugh. I love that you don't want me to be
submissive, or smaller than I really am, or anything other than what I
really am. Thank you for helping me find what and who I really am.

I love you.

Confession #2092

You don't want the pooch on the furniture, but every morning right after you leave for work, the dog jumps up on the bed with me. I make sure there's no hair on your side, but we're talking every day for years. And she knows your car and footstep--as soon as she hears either approaching, she's off the bed or couch or chair.

The kids and I have tried to imitate your footstep, just to see if she can be fooled. Nope. She only bolts when it's really you. Hey, I'm a little sorry that the kids are being taught to lie to their dad, sort of. I know it's bad we don't respect your desire in this matter, bad that the three kids and I know the truth about the dog's bad habits and you don't. But I do love having that dog snuggled against me while I work. I even do my work on the couch so she can rest her head on my lap.

Confession #2093

I am truly sick and tired of dealing with your depression. Especially
since you really aren't dealing with it in a constructive way. Sleeping
16+hours a day isn't *dealing* - it is avoiding. I want a life again, I
can't and won't sit around and watch you sleep anymore - I was up for 5
hours before you woke up yesterday morning (noon), you were awake for
all of 5 minutes and then you went back to sleep.

I can't take it anymore. I was putting on my makeup when you came into
the bathroom - you realized I was upset. I told you, while crying, that
you really hurt my feelings that you would rather sleep than spend any
time with me. Do you have any idea how badly I felt about myself all
day yesterday??? You had the nerve to say that you didn't *choose* to
sleep this much it just happens. Well, it has been happening for over 9
months - I can't take much more. I love you but I'm dying inside and
what I feel for you is dying as well. I am lonelier now than when I was
single. I am going to start planning my weekends again, like I did
before we met. I spent 15 years as a single mother - I wasn't always
ecstatic but hell, it was wayyyy better than this! At least I was
participating in life and doing things that I enjoy.

I HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE! If you would rather sleep your life away, that
is up to you. I will not sit by and watch you sleep anymore.

Confession #2094

You have told me for years that you planned on divorcing me. I used to cry and get upset and tell you not to joke about that - it wasn't funny and it hurt my feelings. Then, I simply accepted it. After so many years of having you introduce me as "your first wife", or talk about when you divorce me...I just realized you must be serious. So, I began to withdraw. Plan my life without you. And I too began to joke about when we get divorced.

This weekend you came to me and told me how infuriated it makes you when I talk about us getting divorced.

Really? I think I said the same thing about 13 years ago to you. Your actions have deadened me.

Confession #2095

I know we are not going to make it. We just got married and I can see the end coming. I know you love me, and I love you more than ever. I was so happy when you went into treatment for your drinking. I truly believed that it was a step in the right direction for us. I missed you like crazy while you were gone, but now that you are home, I am totally miserable.

You have questioned EVERYTHING that the kids and I have done!! You weren't here, it didn't get done just like you would have done it, but GET OVER IT!!! I busted my butt every single day you were gone, and to know that it's not appreciated or even acknowledged is a total slap in the face!! Just think, you can't even handle the house and kids for one afternoon if I need to go somewhere. I get 5 or 6 calls asking about something totally stupid. You try dealing with a job, house, dogs, 5 kids, school, dance, scouts, grocery shopping, paying bills, yardwork all by yourself for 28 days!! Not to mention coming up to see you every single weekend so that you truly saw that I was behind you 100%.

I am thrilled that you are sober; your sons need a Dad that will be around for a long time. But unless you agree to work on the rest of our problems, I am leaving in 3 months. I refuse to be miserable for the rest of my life. Sorry it's gotta come down to this, but I can't take any more!!!

I love you!

Confession #2096

I'm sorry I have gained so much weight. I gained 100 lbs. while pregnant, and haven't lost all of it yet even though the baby is a year old now. I am disgusting to myself, so I know why you don't act like you used to around me. I'm trying though - I've lost 10 pounds this month. I try my best to be a good wife and mother, and not to complain about anything you do. You used to feel like you weren't good enough for me, even though I never thought that....and now I feel like I'm not good enough for you. I hope you can wait for me to get back to my old self. I love you and the baby more than anything, and sometimes I'm so happy - when she's laughing and you're laughing with her - that I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest. It seems like eventually in life...sometimes lose members die...friends leave...looks fade....I just want to hold on to our family as long as I can. Wait for me baby.

Confession #2097

Hey babe,
You're not so bad, but your friends are totally creepy. A woman just
knows. Those guys are bad news. Sorry I don't like them. They are
potential rapists and child molesters. You're better than them.

Confession #2098

You are a good husband. A great dad. You put up with my shit. You support me. You are a friend. But he makes me feel like an absolute goddess. He wants me in a way you never did. I want him in a way I've never wanted before. I hunger for him day and night and he hungers for me. He is rough when I need him to be. He is gentle and loving and writes me poem and songs. He says he loves me and I walk on air for hours. I have no plans to leave you for him and I don't know where this is going....but I have no inclination or power to stop it. If it weren't for our daughter I would run away with him. To Greece. Anywhere.

Last week we made love without a condom and said he likes the idea of me having his baby. Secretly I do too.

The weight I lost was for him.

When you ask me if something is wrong, and I say "no" I am really missing him.

The smile you catch on my face sometimes is a memory of the last time he and I made love.

That bruise on my thigh was from his hands. I would sometimes press on it to remember how his hands felt on me.

I know I have a pathological need to be loved. I know I need to feel sexy. He gives me that.

I don't even feel bad. I deserve some happiness because I am so, so unhappy sometimes and all the pills in the world don't make me feel the way he does when he kisses me hard, bites my lip, holds my face and says "I love you."

I deserve that.

Confession #2099

Sometimes I think I should have married someone more like me. Someone who has a college degree and wears a tie to work instead of coveralls. Someone who would love to take me to dinner theaters and fancy charity fund raisers instead of the closest karaoke bar or the dirt track races. We were engaged for 2 years while I finished college and I never questioned if you were the right one for me to marry, now we've been married 7 years and I can't help but think I sold out to the first guy who offered me a ring. It's not that I don't love you, I really do. But we are very different people in a lot of ways and I hope our relationship will survive these differences...

Confession #2100

Love is a Drug

Oh the feelings! The exhilaration of falling in love. It truly can be a blinding experience. My name is (fill in the blank) and I am a love junkie. Falling in love releases "feel good" chemicals in my brain. My system becomes filled with endorphins, my world seems brighter, more colorful, more exciting!

When I met you there were plenty of red flags a-flyin', warning warning warning. But with the blinders in place, I went ahead and fell in love anyway.

I refused to question anything you told me. As time unfolded, it became harder for you to keep all the lies straight and so I learned, over time, to take everything and anything you told me with the proverbial grain of salt. Today you could tell me the sky is blue and I would have to see it for myself before I would believe you.

I want to list the ways that I used love as a drug.

Go back and read the paragraph above.

Refusing to heed the warning signs.

Rationalizing and justifying certain actions in my brain.

Believing that love conquers all.

Naively thinking that if I loved you enough, we could get through any turmoil.

Believing that I could change you by example.

Allowing myself to be controlled by you, so as not to upset the apple cart.

Lowering my standard of conduct and doing things that felt wrong to me.

Aggressively asserting my way of life on you, living under the illusion that I had any type of control over you.

Living in denial.

Oh yes, love is a drug. Sometimes I think that life would be so much easier if I were living alone. That then I would only have myself to worry about, that my life, my feelings, my worth, my happiness would not be dependent on what you are doing or not doing.

And then I remember talking to a counselor several years ago and admitting to this person that if I got out of the relationship with you, that I would probably go right back out and start hunting for another love relationship, undoubtedly going through the same motions and emotions again, looking to someone outside of myself to "fix" me or someone that I could "fix." And remembering the words from the counselor, telling me that I should look inside myself and figure out why I feared being alone, why I felt such an urgent need to be with somebody else in order to feel whole.

So I have decided to take stock in the relationship I have now. Hey, it's familiar, I've gotten somewhat used to the ups and downs, the roller coaster ride so to speak.

It's time to hunker down and see what needs fixing in me. Believe it or not, I still love you. And I can appreciate the lessons that I've learned from this relationship. So join me on this ride, or don't

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

True Wife Confessions 209 songs on my mini ipod

Confession #2081

I strongly dislike your feet. The rest of you is nice, but your feet are disgusting.

Confession #2082

I'm very angry at you but I can't tell you yet. If I did, I'd tell you I want out of this marriage because you are a huge, demanding, whiny pain in the ass who can't see anything from any point of view but his own.

I want to get over feeling like that before I bring up what's wrong. I mean, besides your self-centered pain-in-the-assness.

Confession #2083 created a yahoo account with a benign name so you could respond to women for sex on craigslist (this, after getting nowhere with those sleazy on line dating sites--yes I know all about them). Then you left some parts of the new yahoo mail in history (you thought you were careful enough with deleting) so I could see the new email address. You also used the same password you use for EVERYTHING so I can sign in to your email. Oh, and you think you're being so smart by only sending a "body shot" (no face) of you to these are so freaking stupid - your FIRST AND LAST NAME is on your email address!! Do you know that??? I don't know whether to keep letting you go on with this or do something about it - do you realize all of these craigslist women are hookers??? I always knew I was the smart one, but c'mon..... If you DO something and get CAUGHT with a HOOKER, you could ruin our family.

Why have I done nothing about this so far? I'm seeing just how far you will go. And, also, I'm in love with someone else. We are SO fucked up and nobody would ever guess it from our upper class suburban life :(.

Confession #2084

I am so much happier with your son out of the picture. I didn't always feel that way, but this year has been absolute hell thanks to his uncontrollable bitch of a mother and the way she has ruined him. I am terrified that he (or his mom, just as bad) will call because no good can come of it. First, he'll give you some garbage about what a terrible dad you are and then she'll get on the phone and spout some BS. You'll hate her, hate yourself, not talk to me and then get mad at ME. Even though I did nothing wrong, at all.

I've been around since he was 3 years old. We took him on almost every vacation we've ever been on, including our honeymoon. I never ever resented him until all this happened. I don't know how to fix any of it. I love your son and if he could treat you with respect (even a 13 year old is capable of it) I would love to have him back in our life. Until this year, he was an awesome boy who I was proud of. Smart, funny, caring, helpful. His mother squeezed all the good qualities out of him and now he only has manipulation and vitriol. Everyone says that he'll change and see what a fucked up mess his mother is, but I don't believe it. Manipulative adults were once manipulative children.

Confession #2085

As we have grown older, I have made a serious attempt to mature in how I behave when we argue. I try to stick to the topic at hand, avoid cussing (very difficult for me and my potty mouth), and use those "I" statements everyone has heard about. Meanwhile, you have regressed. You make personal attacks, you pick on my weaknesses, and you cuss. Every time you do it, it makes me hold just a little more back from you, it makes me build up a little more of a wall between you and my heart, and it makes me love you just a tiny bit less. Is that really what you want? Is it really worth it? You might want to think about that.

Confession #2086

If I find your cigarettes I throw them away and hope with all my heart you
won't buy another pack.

Confession #2087

This one goes out to my soon to be ex husband:

You're not a good father. You were okay when we were together, but
deciding to stay in Texas after the baby and I moved to California
(where you were supposed to meet us two weeks later) makes you a bad
one. To me, the first requirement of parenthood is being there. If you
aren't in your kid's life, at least in the same zip code, you're not
fulfilling that requirement. Calling me and saying that you're going
to be in a town 10 hours away in a week does not count as an attempt
to see your kid. Text messaging her (she's two, retard) to say I love
you means nothing. If she hears me read that message, she hears my
voice saying, "I love you". If you call her, she hears your voice.
A real parent finds a way, makes it happen. A good father would never
go months without seeing his baby.

Confession #2088

Dear M;

I died a little bit the day you signed your rights away to our daughter. I don't think that part of me will ever come back.

Confession #2089

I know that you make more money than I do, but I took a job that paid less so that I could be around for our child. Stop punishing me for it. I do not think it is out of line for me to expect your help with a few things around the house. When I ask, do not belittle me, do not threaten me, do not throw a temper tantrum. You are nearly 40; it is well past time for you to grow up. A little laundry or a few dishes are not going to kill you. There is just no way that I can do it all by myself and I am not going to try and kill myself anymore to do it. So either help out or shut the f*@#k up when the house isn’t perfect.

Confession #2090

I don't know what it is about you keeps me wanting you more. The sex is great! I enjoy every minute of it, but is that all to it? What about you? Is it that you truly love me or is it the sex? I know u care for me, this i am sure of but when it comes to love, hmm, I'm not too sure. There is a fine line between love and lust and I think we are caught somewhere in between

Thursday, September 13, 2007

True Wife Confessions 208 Radio Radio Luxembourg

Confession #2071

Last week when we were joking around you said that you wouldn't get married again if something happened to me because you thought maybe you weren't meant to be married and we both laughed like you'd made some hilarious joke about how nagging I am. The only thing is, I can't stop thinking about it because you hit the proverbial nail on the head. I don't think you were meant to be married.

It took you saying that for me to realize that all my frustrations that have mounted over the last few years are directly attributable to the fact that deep down, you probably shouldn't have ever gotten married - to anyone. You're my best friend, a great daddy to our two kids and a really good person, but the fact of the matter is that you're not a real spectacular husband because in the end, you just always want to be on your agenda and your ability to compromise or participate in the give and take of a married relationship isn't very good. In fact, you suck at it. There, I've said it. I think you're kind of a crappy husband.

I know you are faithful to me and I trust you completely, but I just have a hard time accepting the fact that you always do what you want to do when you want to do it, with no regard to how it impacts your family. I am beginning to understand that you don't do it to be mean or thoughtless but that you just truly don't think about it. That almost makes it worse.

What time you'll be home from work is a total moving target and it just doesn't seem to register with you that it would sure be nice to have a ballpark. It's so selfish of you to be unable to communicate with me on simple things like that. And then, when you come home and immediately leave to run, just announcing where you're going, without asking if it's a convenient time or if that works with our dinner or my schedule, it makes me want to put my fist down your throat. It's really confusing to me how someone who loves me - and I believe you do - and who loves our kids, can just have no regard for simple, common courtesies like that. I think I make your life too easy. It's the only explanation I can think of that explains how you could have no regard for me and are unable to extend to me the same flexibility that you demand for yourself in our household. I've tried to talk to you about this and you just don't get it, which I don't get and then we both end up angry.

I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like to be a single parent to our wonderful kids and that makes me sad because it's not what I want and I don't think it's what you want either. The other reason it makes me sad is that when I try to think about what impacts that would have on my day to day routine in running our household and parenting, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. You're so wrapped up in what you want to do that you're often a non-factor and I don't count on you to do very much. Sad.

This isn't the marriage I imagined for myself when I was young and idealistic and it's not even the marriage I thought I was getting into when I enthusiastically entered into it with you. I think having kids made me realize how selfish we both were, and that worked when it was just us, but now that we have these two amazing kids, it's not working for me. I think you were right. You shouldn't be married and shame on me for finding it out this way.

Confession #2072

I see that you’re trying. I really do. I see what you’re doing differently and I really do appreciate it. I know you want to make this work. I do too. I hate that we both have to work through our issues, but I’m glad we’re doing it together. You stay beside me while I learn to deal with my past. I’ll hold your hand while you work through what you survived in the war. Thank you for staying.. Thank you for not trying to scare me away. I see that you’re trying and I can never thank you enough. Some day we’ll find that we’ve become the elderly couple in the park who slowly shuffles through while holding hands. It’s so rough at times, but I can’t imagine it any other way

Confession #2073

I find it absolutely revolting that you refuse to take a shower for
sometimes 2 weeks straight. The only way you ever take one is when I tell
you that you won't get any sex from me unless you do. And sometimes that
doesn't even work. You disgust me. And I don't want to be disgusted by the
man that I love. PLEASE take a fucking shower!

Confession #2074

Why is it that you can spend our money like there is no tomorrow and I have to be the frugal one? Maybe for once I would like to have something nice. Did you ever think of that?

Confession #2075

Beloved husband,

I am attracted to your best friend. I've known him now for twelve
years, the same as I've known you. And over the years, my attraction
has grown and waned, but it never completely fades. I suspect that he
has some feelings for me too, but I'll never know for sure. I
certainly won't ask him or share my feelings. It's a forbidden
subject. And nothing would ever come of this attraction. We both love
you and would never ever betray you.

But, sometimes when he leans in close to me and I can smell his skin,
it makes me crave more. Or when our fingers accidentally touch, I feel
electricity. And when the three of us are just sitting on the couch,
sometime I think about what it would be like to kiss him. What it
would be like to be held by him. It is unsettling.

Confession #2076

my confession i sent last week made me want to talk to you. so i did. and you reacted exactly the way i thought you would. you blamed it all on your job and you told me to tell you to quit.

i know the hours you work make a difference. you say that we are not used to being married now that we have worked separate shifts for a year now. i know part of that is true, but what is the excuse that sometimes you are downright mean? after we had our talk and i told you that i wasn't happy, you said you knew. you said you weren't happy either. you said that rather than get another divorce, that you would quit your job.

i know that you want to work first shift. i want you to work first shift. it's not fun for me to take care of 95% of the kids' needs all the time. sometimes i want/need a break. but we are not in a financial position at the moment to do that. we need to use the income and pay off some bills, then you can look for something else, as you know that you won't be able to make as much elsewhere. but in the meantime, you and i need to work harder at our relationship.

you need to help more with the housework. and you did this weekend. which really helped. and you didn't act like an ass. that was appreciated. but what you did do was after our conversation on Saturday, it was like you forgot all about it Sunday and Monday, and you are back to normal, might i add, after you got some, which is exactly what i told you would happen.

so here we are again... what to do now?

(heavy sigh)

marriage is not what i expected that it would be. it's hard. sometimes it's not fun. the companionship is great, but sometimes i long for the butterflies again.

do the butterflies always go away? is it supposed to be this way? i don't know, I'm just trying to figure it all out...

Confession #2077

I’m so sorry I cheated on you. At first I thought it was special with him and that it was ok if I lost you. I thought you were indifferent toward me and might not even notice if I left. Now I realize that I was wrong. You just showed your love in different ways and I refused to see that. Things haven’t been perfect for us but it was *us* and we made it through so much. I’m terrified to separate from you. I don’t want to be without you. I wish things hadn’t gotten to this point. Thank you for so many years of love. Thank you for being my best friend. I will always regret the hurt I’ve caused you.

Confession #2078

All men who work for Law Enforcement cheat. Sorry wives – but they ALL do. I see it every single day. Just a heads up to the ladies- so you can keep your eye on your man with badge.

Confession #2079

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry I wasted almost 3 years of our married life caring about a jackass who didn't feel the same way about me ... except for when he acted like he did so I could be manipulated into caring about him again.

I'm sorry for the e-mails to him, the phone calls, the fantasies, all of it.

More than anything else, I'm sorry I still care. So sorry.

I wish he was dead. And at times like this, I wish I was, too.

Confession #2080

I have no idea why I broke up with you. I keep trying to tell myself it's because I couldn't move there..but in the end I think it was that and because I don't find you as attractive as I used to.

I was expecting you to be just as cute as you were when you were my age, back then. But you aren't. You have aged..whether it be from time and stress or I don't know. And I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a man I didn't find that attractive.

I love exactly who you are, but my shallow side won and I didn't have the balls to admit that to you. I am an uber cunt and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for throwing you away.

Monday, September 10, 2007

True Wife Confessions 207 grapes on the vine

Confession #2061

I've been thinking about it for a while...
I've been thinking that maybe i would like to try anal sex. But since you've never really expressed any interest, i'm very hesitant. We've always laughed together that it's an exit hole only, and i've joked that if you do it to me, you have to let me do it to you.
I think that if i suggested it you would probably say yes.
I'm afraid it might hurt.
I'm more afraid that you will like it. After three babies, i'm reasonably certain that anal sex would feel a lot tighter for you than vaginal sex. I'm afraid that you will like it more than regular intercourse and that you will be disappointed if i don't enjoy it enough to do it again.
I'm also very self-conscious about it; i mean, it's my anus, for crying out loud! Nobody's ever been up close and personal with it.
I don't know...i probably won't say anything. Since the last baby, i seem to have lost my sexual confidence. I have a hard enough time asking you to touch me. You always offer.
You're a great lover.

Confession #2062

To my ex-husband,

I had an epiphany about you a couple of weeks ago.
You're still a jerk, and I don't like you one bit.

But the hatred is finally gone.

I have peace in my heart after three years. Make that 16 years.

It feels GOOD! :)

Confession #2063

I love you so much. I would give the world for your smile, and somewhere I know you know that. You know that I have put my happiness, needs, wants, emotions, money, absolutely everything aside for you. You know I love you so much that I would never leave. Sometimes I wonder if this is what ruined us, or me, or what we used to have.

I was being a "douche bag" last week so you went to a party and danced with a girl named Eva. You hooked up, and even "have her number." You tell me I need to apologize for "everything I have done to you." I have bought you a motorcycle. I have charged $1200 dollars on my credit card filling up your gas tank 5x last month and paying for all your food. YOU are the one with a 34 on the ACT, YOU are the one that got a FULL RIDE to college, YOU are the "genius" that is going to be a petroleum engineer. Why am I paying for you? I have called you over and over again balling and apologizing for anything I could think of, saying I love you and I miss you.. to which you respond, "contact me, and we are over." I have never cheated on you. You broke up with me that night. I never touched Collin. I slept on the floor of his house.. you were THERE, why don't you believe me? Why am I treated this way for something that never happened? ..when you hook up with other girls all the time, because I was being "a douche bag" ? Do you not think cheating on me is worse in every way possible than me sleeping on the floor of our friend's house because you broke up with me and I had no where to go at 2:30 am?

You call me stupid, you hang up on me to talk to other girls, you tell me I fail at everything, and when I beg for you to say I am beautiful, you get "annoyed"
and hang up on me. When I cry, you call me "so fucking immature." I have cried for a very long time over you. I am trying so hard. I have given you everything my broken heart could possibly give. What do you want me to do?

Laughing with you is the best thing in the world. When you touch me, there is nothing I could do to tell you no. When I fall asleep with you and feel your heart next to me, it is the most peaceful feeling in the world. But I never get simple things like voice mails saying I love you anymore, I never get phone calls, or even text messages. I never get any emotions from you really, unless you want sex, or for me to talk dirty to you.

I love you. I can't do this anymore. But I could never leave. No one is like you.

P.S - My grandfather dying is more important than talking dirty to you.

Confession #2064

Two weekends ago you told me the 'truth'. I never would have been the wiser. Of all the people in the world, you, my husband of two years, I trusted. I never have doubted a single word you have spoken, and now I don't believe your own breath to fill your lungs.
You say you don't remember what day it was. You say it was when we were first together and you always meant to tell me. And now I know that they have been laughing at me all along.
Micheal was my friend, he saved my life once. Before you knew me. When I lived in a different world. And he's known your secret all along. You threatened him not to tell me. I know you would have come through with your threat. But I would think I meant more to him than that. Maybe he is laughing at me too.
I can't stop thinking about what you told me. Fuck you! And your condescending ways.
You are fake. Just like everyone else.
You say it doesn't really matter. You're still the same person.
But that is not the point. If I had known what you did right after you had did it...we would not be here now.
We would not be married, have a car and house (not a home anymore) and dog.

This life I have right now with you is based on fraud.

And all I can think about is Where am I supposed to be right now?

Please sign me Anonymous

Confession #2065

My husband was deployed months ago. We have a mutual friend whom I would consider to be one of my closest guy friends. He used to date my best friend and that's how I met him. Well, a month after my husband left he called me and was clearly drunk and trying to drive home. I look out for my friends and we had a spare bedroom so I told him that he could stay there. We were talking like every other time we had talked. We were both laying on the floor facing different directions because we didn't have furniture. This was nothing new. He asked me if I had ever played the teasing game and I said no. He asked me if I wanted to play and I agreed only if we didn't let things go too far. I should have known better. Things got out of hand and I told him to stop a couple times but he didn't. He kept going and we ended up having sex. He apologized the next day and told me that my husband doesn't need to know and that it was a huge mistake. My husband knows about that night. The friend doesn't know that I told my husband. My husband doesn't know that we had sex 3 or 4 more times and the last time I had told him to stop just like the 1st time it happened. And he didn't. I liked the attention at first, but I didn't like that he forced me to have sex with him the first and the last time. I felt so guilty and unworthy of my husband. After I told my husband what happened the 1st time, he told me that if it happened again he would go to the friend's superiors and take action against him. Did I mention that the friend is in the military as well? He is now married and expecting a child and I don't want to tell my husband about the other times because I don't want to ruin the friends family life. His wife doesn't deserve that and neither does their child. It's not their fault it happened. I'm torn and not quite sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Confession #2066

Sometimes I feel that I can’t do it anymore. My life is so hectic. I know that others have it much worse, but it’s so hard to focus on the positives sometimes.

We are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and as it gets closer, I just wonder if we’d be better off apart. I know you say that you still love me, but it’s your actions, not words that I think about. The only time you really ever touch me is when you want sex. Ever since you started working nights again, our relationship has deteriorated. The other day I looked at apartments online. I actually thought about leaving you, and it wasn’t the first time. I don’t feel that we make each other strive to be better people anymore. You no longer make me a priority. I know that part of this is not your fault. I am used to being on my own, am an only child and very distant at times. I don’t need the companionship that others do, so I tend to push you away without thinking about it. I’m sorry about this. I don’t like to kiss you because you smoke and don’t brush your teeth often enough. I don’t go down on you because it’s gross. It’s not that I haven’t before; it’s just that doing it makes me gag. You are great about our sex life though; you require very little from me and constantly try to please me. But that’s where it ends. You rarely do house work even though I work full time and take care of the kids in the evening taking them to their activities, cooking and helping them with their homework. My day is so long and all I hear from you is how tired you are. It gets old. I feel especially stressed out right now with all that’s going on, but I have no help from you. You didn’t even go to the grocery store last night like you said you would.

This is not how I envisioned spending my life. I didn’t know that things can change so much. I used to think we had a great relationship and for the most part we did, but it really has changed over the past couple of years. You get so angry at times and I don’t understand why. On the weekends when we do see each other, you don’t spend any time with me. You don’t get up until I finally get so mad at trying to wake you up for hours that it makes you mad, and then we’re pretty much done for the day. I am so tired of hearing how tired you are. How do you think I feel? I feel like I might as well be on my own, at least then I am truly a single parent, rather than being one and still having to deal with your shit.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to leave or not, or to even try. Any time I mention this to you, you get so bent out of shape and defensive about it. This is how I FEEL, I can’t change that. Is it worth it to try, even though I don’t feel that we can fall back in love, or do I cut my losses and move on? I don’t know, I feel so confused…

Confession #2067

When we were homeless I had places to go. But I couldn't go there with you,
so I stayed homeless. I was miserable. Then I moved to the other side of the
country with you, leaving everybody I have ever known and loved, FOR YOU!
And what have you done for me? Bought me a computer? I couldn't care less
what you buy me, or how much money you make. It's not important. What is
important, is that you make me feel loved. You go to work, you come home,
you do your own thing, and then you go to bed. There's no, "Hi baby, I
missed you, you look beautiful today." it's only "Hey can you make me
something to eat?" Maybe the reason that we hardly ever have sex any more is
that I don't feel sexy. Did you ever think of that? Maybe if you made some
effort to compliment me I would be happier. When I ask you why you love me
all you can say is "Because I do". When I ask you what you love about me all
you can say is "I don't know." how am I supposed to feel when not one
positive thing about me comes to your mind? When I am asked the same
questions I have a million and one positive responses. I can't take it
anymore. I am lonely and this place is killing me. Your family is horrible.
Not one of them respects each other. I miss my family who ALWAYS respects
one another. I am beginning to resent you, and if nothing changes I think I
might hate you. I don't want to lose you. But if I stay miserable that just
might happen. And the worst part is that I've told you all these things
before, and all you can do to respond is start listing off things that I do
wrong. I don't deserve this. I really don't.

You make me a little bit disgusted. The whole porn thing is just weird for me and it is hard not to look at you and think you are a pervert. Sure whatever it is "normal" for guys to do that, I guess. But still I think you are a little gross. And I make comments all the time that are condescending and I know I am hurting you, but you hurt me all the time.

Confession #2068

The other night we were in bed, talking for the first time in what felt like ages. We even started to laugh about something...and for a second I remembered what I fell in love with about you. But, just like that the conversation moved to why I wasn't a good enough mother, wife, housekeeper - you name it. And I watched any flicker of love I have for you get extinguished again.

Confession #2069

Thank you for letting me have all day Saturday to shop with my girlfriend...AND not being in a pissy mood when I got home cause you had to be primary parent all day.

Confession #2070

I am so very confused right now. If I followed my instincts, my gut feelings, I would turn and run from you, because my fears that you are screwing around with your ex wife are true *if I followed my guts*. I want to believe you when you tell me that I need to trust you, and I feel guilty when I don't trust you. Maybe I don't trust myself?

The lack of sex is getting to me. More than a little. I finally stopped bothering you about it, because even after my medical problems were over, you still don't seem interested. You show affection in so many other ways, so I know that you do care, but even if you are stressed or always tired, you would rather watch your fucking hunting shows than have sex with me. Oh, blowjobs are fine, and I love like hell to give them to you, love being able to please you like that, but after a couple of months of so many of those, and only two sessions of sex *both of which were really rushed, might I add* I am starting to feel like I am rejected, obsolete. I want to scream or cry. I don't want to hurt you, but I have considered pursuing other relationships. Surely someone else would like to fuck me on occasion. Do you not respect me? Am I fat? Have I lose my appeal?? I have lost weight. I was attractive to you at first. We used to have sex a couple times a day, now I am lucky if we do a couple times a month. What happened? I feel like crawling out of my skin half the time, do I repulse you? You tell me that I need to build my self confidence, but that you are glad I am so sexually confident. Do you realize that since you have blown off all my advances towards you, I am starting to doubt myself even more? I didn't think that was possible. It has only been 5 months. I want this to work, we aren't married, just in a committed relationship. I feel like we could be perfect for each other, if it wasn't for this one thing. I am only 27. I feel like I am expected to feel old and frigid. Yes, I feel rejected. I can understand how your ex wife would have felt that way. But I care for you, aside from this little thing, I care for you so dearly. Part of me wonders if I am holding onto a future that can't exist. You have been so good to me. but I struggle in so many ways that you have never even seen. I feel lost. I feel like running away. I want you for once to WANT me and make the first move, before I lose my mind.

You were worried that I would screw my exes even though I feel nothing for them but work with one. I've thought about it. They may not care for me like you do, but I am a human being who enjoys sex and by damned, they like sex too. You don't seem to like it with me, or so it feels.

And another thing, I am glad you like my father, but you are so much like him in so many ways, all the ways I cannot stand, that it bothers me and I am insanely jealous that you are such good friends with him. I feel left out when the three of us get together and hang out...

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

True Wife Confessions 206 - the number of bones in a normal human skeleton according to Gray's Anatomy

Confession #2051

You have to be the most narcissistic person that I know. Every time that I try to talk to you about something you always turn the conversation back to you and your interests. And you wonder why I rarely talk to you anymore.

Confession #2052

We're coming up to our first year anniversary. Sadly, due to work, we'll be apart, but that won't make the day any less special for me.

We had a rough year, no thanks to your ability to not stand up for me. It's getting better and I appreciate that you realize what harm it caused. Thank you.

We spent the most amazing honeymoon together and I want to thank you for that. It was fantastic being alone with you in a new city, exploring and walking about.

There are days I forget I am married, not because I hate it, but because when I think of all the complaints that other wives have, living with you and being your wife is easy.

You're a fantastic husband and I love you with all my heart.

Confession #2053

You are such a dumbass. I can’t decide if you are really that stupid, if you think I am that stupid, or if you are screwing with me. I found your MySpace page MONTHS ago. I have one too. We met in college. I found yours when I was browsing the Alumni. I can’t believe you haven’t found mine yet. I am not hiding it. I did, however, make it private so I wouldn’t have to worry about what I say and if it is going to piss you off. Yours is not private and I check it out every week or two. Your girlfriend leaves you comments all the time about how she can’t wait for the special weekends you have planned for the two of you. Then she leaves you comments about what a wonderful time she had afterward. These are often weekends that you told me you had to work so you couldn’t see our children!!!!! When they tell you, on the phone, they miss you and wonder why they can’t see you until next month, you tell them you have to work to make money for them. Then you head off to the beach for the weekend or go to a concert. It breaks my heart for them and it makes me think less of you every time I catch you in a lie and you act so wounded and demand to know how I dare accuse you of putting less than your best effort into being a father. And it is right there. The truth. Where anyone with a computer and half a brain can see it. I manage to conduct a decent social life every other weekend (usually in much less time than that.) You have every week night and every other weekend free, if you choose. In a year or two our older child will be able to log on and see it for herself and then how will she feel? Asshole!

Confession #2054

I got drunk last night and spent two hours sending pictures of my feet to a friend of mine who, like you, has a foot fetish. He said my feet were "yummy." It seemed so much less creepy when you said it.

I still don't want anyone but you, dearest. Too bad I would rather beat you with a wrench than be near you.

Confession #2055

Sometimes life gets to be too busy
Sometimes I don't realize what I have before me....
Sometimes I get angry - really angry....
Sometimes I think I'm all alone.

Until -

The middle of the night,
in your sleep you roll over
and pull me into you ...
I know I'm not alone.
I know I'm loved...

Then you start to kiss my neck ....

I realize I whine, moan and complain
but I also realize and I know just how lucky I am....
afterall... I am the Duchess....

I love you....
lets just quit the whole pissing me off part K?

Confession #2056

We live together. Two years now. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he has 1(child doesn’t live with us full time, only every other weekend). We live in my house. Had huge argument last nite. What it boils down to is this. I pay the mortgage, utilities, groceries, all of it. For two years. He did pay the house taxes last year ($3000), he pays for a dinners out when we go, a majority of the time. Also, I do housework and yardwork. (My girls help out with chores etc.) He had the gall to say to me that I live beyond my means, I told him that it was none of his business, since he doesn’t contribute to the household. He never complains when I am spending my money on groceries that he eats. If I have to rely on credit cards to help me out when I am short, due to me trying to cover expenses, that I feel he should be helping me out with, then that is what I have to do. I shouldn’t have to ask, should I? This is not really a confession, I just needed to get this off my chest. He is a good man all around. (He has a Flip-house project that we both worked on and is trying to sell, he is paying mortgage on that but that has been only since 3 mths ago, he pays child support to his ex). Am I being unreasonable to blow up, been stored up too long.

Confession #2057

All I ever wanted was for it to be just "us"; you, me, and our daughter together in our own home. But you and your mom had to go behind my back and get a house for us all to share. Now I live with a woman I can't stand and will never get along with. I know she is your mother but I am your wife, doesn't that count for anything? I have given so much of me to you. I have given you a daughter, my unconditional love, my money, my heart, and my soul. Never have you told me you loved me and meant it. At our wedding you couldn't even look me in the eye. Why do I allow you to hurt me like this? Why do you allow your mother to disrespect me in so many ways? I do EVERYTHING for and with our daughter. You NEVER spend time with her or me because you are always too busy playing golf or hanging out with the boys. I don't ever trust your word anymore, you have lied too many times for me to trust you. I am tired of having to live in our room because your mother only has rude disrespectful things to say to me. I wish your mother would stop trying to raise OUR daughter the way she wants it done. I don't need her to make dinner for my child or tell me how to care for her. I also don't appreciate your mother cutting our childs hair without my permission. Why wont you do the things that will turn me on when we are in bed together? Does everything really have to be all about you??I am sick of your step-brother being a lazy fat pig and making messes and everyone expecting me to clean up after him. I didn't marry him or your mother, I married u!!! Stop making excuses for not getting a real job. Do you like when your boss takes $500 for your check because he felt like it? If you wont say anything to him about it then you should let me, but instead you hide like a scared mouse and beg me not to say anything. Let me say it out loud...I THINK YOUR MOM IS A BITCH. I know she does things on purpose to piss me off and I am about fed up!!! You need to start being a real man and quit being a little momma's boy!!!!

Yours Truly,

I wanna strangle u and ur mom

Confession #2058

My my...

I am one of those women that I used to silently criticize. I have been repeatedly hurt by a man, yet I keep going back to him. He does not mean to hurt me, he doesn't do it because he is a bad person, and I know he loves me.

He does it because he is a damned COWARD. He's so afraid of actually loving me that any time things start to get really good, he flinches away. I'll tell you what, buddy. If anyone should be scared, it's ME, got it? I should be afraid of the pain that I know will come again and again and again, but here's a hint: I AM NOT.

That should tell you something. Pull your head out.

I'm not going to hurt you, so what the hell are you so afraid of!?

I said I wouldn't go back to you the third time. I did. Then a fourth. This is the fifth time. I know there are other men. I do not want one of them. It's only you. If I have a say in it, then it's you, darling. If I don't have a say in it, then I don't want anyone.

Confession #2059

I think you would be very surprised if I told you how much I hated you sometimes. The things you say to our daughter, the emotional bullshit you pull on her just makes me want to puke. She's only 8 you asshole, don't say things to hurt her just because you are mad at me. We have been together 16 years but I KNOW there is no chance of 16 more. The next time you threaten to leave I wish you would really mean it.
I don't understand how you can be such a great dad & husband one minute & then the next you are such an ogre. If our friends only knew..... Your family knows. How do you like that? Your 2 favorite sisters know everything that goes on here...funny seems you pulled this bullshit when you were 8'd think over the course of 38 years you would grow up. I blame your mother. In her eyes you could do no wrong & you really believe that.
You disgust me.

Confession #2060

Many people will wonder or ask, why do I feel the need to hate Xxxxx so
much. What does it do for me, but cause stress and ill feelings in my
life, which is for the most part severed from him. The reasons I feel
the need to hate him and to hold it close to my heart are quite simply
to serve as a reminder. A reminder of how far away from myself I let him
drag me. A reminder of where I was when I met him, and the issues that I
was facing that made me vulnerable to that kind of man. A reminder of
just what a woman will put up with and in hindsight a reminder of why
she does this. A reminder of the absolutely mind numbing abuse that can
be so easily swept under the rug. A reminder of what my children had to
witness for the, "sake of the family." A reminder of the kind words and
gentle caresses, which can so quickly turn into acidic, corrosive
spewings and rock hard slaps which resonate into your very being and
change you forever. A reminder of how much time I wasted.

That being said, all of these reminders that I force upon myself
everyday, serve a purpose. That purpose is to help me raise my girls to
be strong women, who do not choose a man that hurts them, ever. A man
that loves them 27 days out of the month, but hates them the rest of the
time, IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. To help them realize the potential that smart
women have, and help them realize that they can do it without a man in
their lives. To help them realize that no matter what the circumstance
they deserve to be loved unconditionally, from family members,
boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers. Be the type of woman who loves with
everything she has, and does not have any regrets no matter the outcome.
Just do your best in any relationship you have, and expect the best from
your significant other. Nothing less. To help them realize that the
things they do, have a direct impact on how other people see them, and
to know that it really doesn't matter. That they can be the chick in
school with multi colored hair, or the cheer leader, or the geek. That
the labels are there and always will be, but only you can take that
label and make it mean something to YOU. Only you can decide the future
you are going to have. I want them to experiment with everything, learn
from all of their experiences, and take something with them where ever
they go. To know that their feelings are just as important as everybody
elses, and if they have an opinion, SHOUT IT. Even if it is the most
controversial, least popular one out there. Especially if that is that
case. Shout it, but be able to back it up. Have a sense of humor, laugh
a little bit at everything. No matter what is happening you should
always try to find something humorous about it. It will keep your stress
levels below toxic, if even just a notch below. Draw on yourself, even
if everyone else says no. Eat cake for breakfast without feeling like
you have to go to the gym and sweat for 4 hours to make up for it, hell
eat cake for lunch to. Don't buy Glamour and Cosmo unless you can look
at the pictures and realize that those models have cellulite to, and
computers can do wonders. When your 20 take a bunch of lovers, use them
and throw them away, it is empowering. Sleep with a woman, you'll
realize that there is not that much mystery around it, and that they can
be just as hard to deal with as men, a vagina does not automatically
give you sensitivity. Go to college if you want to, but know that i will
not be disappointed if you don't. Know that your life is yours, and you
can do what you want with it, and you can do it with whomever you
choose, as much or as little as you like, wherever you want to. And know
that the only person you have to explain yourself to, is your boss if
you have a job. You will never have to explain yourself to me, I love
you unconditionally. Learn the art of kissing ass, you will need it at
work, and there is nothing wrong with kissing ass to get where you want
to go, as long as you balance it out with hard work and determination.
There is a way to kiss ass without debasing yourself, learn it, and live
it, it will help you. Believe in God if you want to, but don't do it
because someone tells you thats what you are supposed to do. Don't be
afraid to question what you are taught about religion, and don't be
afraid to do it differently in spite of what others may think. Be
gracious and kind, when you amswer the phone smile, it really does sound
different, and can make or break the conversation. Smile at people on
the street, random people that you do not know, people who look like
they need it. Let people think one thing about you based on your
appearance or your beliefs, then show them that you are better. Be proud
of being better, but not boastful. Help people as much as you can. Even
if it is just a little, its better than nothing.

Now you may be asking what does all of that have to do with reminding
myself about how much of an ass there father is. Simple, confidence, I
didn't have it because of him and the ways I grew up and lived my life.
I need to remind myself that I can give them what I did not have and I
can give it to them in abundance.

You never understood this part of me, and I know you never will...I am
glad I don't have to try and make you understand any longer.

The Courage To Heal

A Tribute

by Ellen Bass

We were five in a plaid dress with a sash and a little white collar.
We were nine, it was after school in the garage, the smell of motor oil
and cut grass through the open window.
We were twelve, fourteen, sixteen in our own beds, in seersucker pajamas
the rain pelting down and running through the gutters.It was a neighbor,
a priest, a stranger, our father, our mother. It was every day. It was
when he got drunk.
It was before our class trip to the state capitol.
When our mother was in the hospital giving birth. Just once.

We were left for dead.
We were barely scratched.
We were found in the coal bin, so wild they couldn’t catch us to wash,
to comb our hair.
Nothing showed.

We lay at the bottom of the stairs.
We found ourselves looking down from a corner of the ceiling.
We found ourselves out in the limb of a maple tree, in the night sky, up
in the stars, where it was cool and there was so much space.
We found ourselves in our beds. It was morning and our clothes laid out
neatly on the chair, our mothers prompting us to come to breakfast.

We told an English teacher with straight brown hair clasped at the nape
with a silver barrette.
We told our mother who slapped us once across the face and closed
herself like a fist.
We told by carving our skin like a pumpkin.
We never told.

We slept clutching a plaster statue of the Virgin Mary.
By day, we couldn’t concentrate.
The long division on the blackboard smeared in our minds.
We memorized everything.
Our handwriting an exact replica of Palmers cursive, only smaller.

We ate to erect a bulwark.
We wouldn’t eat.
We didn’t want our bodies.
We didn’t want to be a part of the food chain-eater or eaten.

We took enough pills to kill a horse.
We were in a coma for a month. And we emerged in rage.
We smiled.
We smiled.
We were drunk.
The first six years of our daughter’s life.
We held our sons hand over a candle.
We somehow knew how to mother. That gave us joy.

Deciding to heal was a choice.
The first one we ever clearly made.
We didn’t decide.
The alternatives just became too painful.

We cried every day.
We only cried once but it went on for a year.
We never cried.

We gave up and drove a motorcycle into a guard rail.
We threw a chair through the window.
We stood on the steps of the psychiatric unit weeping about something we
couldn’t remember.
We remembered everything it seemed, each detail etched into the soft
organ of our minds.

We blamed ourselves because he gave us a bicycle.
We blamed ourselves because we didn’t stop it.
We blamed ourselves because our bodies responded.
We stopped blaming ourselves.

We beat a hundred pillows and tore up a year’s worth of the Sunday Times.
We filled forty notebooks with writing that dug through the pages like a

We said once in a quiet voice, */I’m angry/*.
We told our stories and we were believed.
We told our stories and our families denied it.
Never were we left alone like that. It couldn’t have happened.
We told our stories and the faces that listened told theirs.

Once, we held our fingertip up to a woman with kind eyes and she touched
the pad of her finger to ours-for a moment.
Once, we were rocked in a safe lap and someone smoothed back our hair
with a tenderness not even we could deny.

But that wasn’t the end of it.
It went on and on beyond what we’d imagined, beyond what we’d signed up for.
We sat in fear like it was our own urine.
Our hearts aching in our hollowed out chests and down our empty arms.
We thought we would not survive.
Like stroke patients we had to learn everything anew.
We saw how it seeped into the corners our lives like smoke.
Nothing was untainted, except the tough kernel we were born with, the
seed of who we could have been, could still be.

We reclaimed our bodies, inch by precious inch.
Feeling our own skin, astonished, like touching a newborn.
We tried our trust, like experimenting with drugs.
We went back to school.
We took a vacation.
We spoke the truth.
We did what we wanted.
We learned to sleep.
We ate when we were hungry.
We woke in the morning, willing.
We wanted to be alive.

We were hungry for all we’d missed.
We took it with eager, patient or tentative hands but we took it.
We made a cup of tea in our own kitchen and drank it a blue table on
which we’d set a small bouquet of daffodils.

I thought I had a daffodil on my table when I met you, I did but it was
plastic. I have a whole bouquet now, and it lives forever in the eyes of
the man who loves me and MY children more then you ever did, more then
you will ever be capable of doing.

Monday, September 03, 2007

True Wife Confessions 205 Sky rockets in flight

Confession #2041

Sweetheart, you know how I feel about you. I care about you a lot, maybe I'm even falling in love with you. And I think you care about me too, even though it's scary for you to admit it to either me or yourself.

But for the love of all that is holy, please please please talk to someone about your anxiety issues. I see in you the signs of depression and anxiety that I had, and it eventually made me so miserable. I don't want you to live through that hell. I know she broke your heart, and that you worry so much about losing everything, like you did the last time, and I understand your fear. Truly I do. But it is eating you alive, and it's affecting your entire life. This is why you're so worn out all the time-- you're killing yourself worrying.

I wish I knew how to tell you this. All I've been able to do so far is gently encourage you to look into some help, and maybe that's all I can do. I am just scared because as far as I can tell, there is no one else you let close enough to see that you're hurting, and I'm afraid you will make yourself sick or worse before you get some help.

Why do I have to be the kind of person who cares?? It sure would be easier if I could just say "that dude has issues" and walk away. But I can't. You are worth more to me than that.

I can't wait to see you again. I hope you don't have to go away this weekend.

Confession #2042

My first true love found me, after 30 years. Yes, here we go.....I know it's a book or a movie!!!

Strange thing is I had moved 3,000 miles away from where we initially met. Well, so did he. Now we are two hours away drive time.

We were separated by my parents because "He wasn't the boy for me". Basically for my parents he was not from the "right side of the tracks". We moved quickly into "town" away from "those" people. Which I never understood, as I was raised there for 16 years, so it was good enough then, right? I went on a ski trip at my 17th birthday weekend, and came back to be moved to an entirely different life. The most elite area of our town. My life suddenly changed and I had no control over it. I moved on, as I had no choice. I had a very violent and unfortunate marriage after that. But eventually I met a lovely man and now have been married for 20 years.

Recently my first true love found me, we talked, we emailed, did text messages.... and finally met again. I actually don't feel guilty, as I feel as though I was robbed of him back then when my parents took us away from each other. So, let's get to the NOW of it. He looks different,,, completely!! He has a very opposite type of life than me, OH YES. I will admit, I look amazing ( I have worked hard on it, I had to for my profession as an executive as well as an executive's wife; I have more money than he can ever imagine ever accumulating in his lifetime; and he's quite large now (I am fit and so is my husband). Large he may be, he does carry it well. I am still madly in love with this guy! He placed his arms around me and I melt, STILL. WHY? I really thought that once I saw him, things would come into perspective. But it did not. Now I find myself planning a rendezvous to be with him. What the HELL? Any advice would be great advice people!!!

Our story is really the story of "The Notebook". Funny thing is, I didn't even know about this movie until HE told me to see it. He said it really was US. He was right!!!!! His love letters are amazing. I think I'm in trouble here!.

Confession #2043

I still have refills for my fertility meds. And I took them this month and I tested for ovulation. I ovulated. And I romanced you and we made love on the correct days. After our last miscarriage you said you wanted to take a break. That my pain was too much for you to want to continue and see us fail again. You didn't like that I became a number at the doctor's office and all of the stress involved with ultrasounds, bloodwork, and the resulting son that we lost. Again.

If this works, I will tell you what I did. And I don't think you will mind. But I haven't told anyone, not even the doctor. We are still waiting for a referral to see a counselor to help us get through our latest loss and I fully intend on seeing that out with you. I hope that you will gain some insight and understand me when I say that "My life doesn't feel complete without more children." You find that offensive in some way, like I am disregarding our 6 year old's existence. Not true. She is an amazing person and I was not lying when the doctor layed her on my chest after she was born and I said, "I'm ready to do it again." I never anticipated losing three more children. It has been devastating to my heart and soul and what hurts almost as much is that you don't want to help me reach my dream of a complete family. I want them back, and I know that can't happen, but I love being a parental team with you. My heart aches to do it again.

Confession #2044

I left my first husband for my current husband. I still haven't let go of the immense guilt I feel for doing that. My ex-husband is not a bad person - he wasn't entirely a bad husband even - but I didn't love him anymore as a wife should. I loved him more like a best friend than a husband. I didn't feel an attraction to him - I didn't feel attractive to him anymore either - no matter what he said it felt hollow. It was a starter marriage I suppose, although I certainly never would have thought that at the start. My entire upbringing followed a religious doctrine where divorce is a sin...well I guess it wasn't the only one I've committed...

I had an affair - my ex never knew. Wouldn't have thought I was ever capable of doing that. One thing leads to another - and sure enough - you don't make the decision to stop and you've done things you didn't think you would ever do. Don't misunderstand - I'm not trying to say it's not my fault - because it certainly IS my fault. I just thought I was stronger than that. Apparently I'm not. Having the affair though made me take a serious look at my marriage - which I had never done - made me realize maybe I wasn't very happy if someone else could pull me in so quickly. So - I left. My ex didn't fight to keep me. Let me tell you - that is tough. He kept insisting I wasn't fighting to keep him either - he was right. But my chivalrous side still thinks he should have fought to hang on - even if I wasn't at the time - because that would have shown me that he cared enough about me to try.

So now - I'm married to the man I had an affair with - happily. It's amazing to find someone you connect with after not having that connection - hell - not even knowing that connection was possible! Do I wish there could have been another way - absolutely. Would I make the same decision again - honestly - I would like to say no, I wouldn't cheat - just leave. But if I hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have wanted to leave, and my life now is so much richer and fuller than I could imagine. Kind of a paradox. I have to live with it though, so I will continue to try to forgive myself - and hope that one day my ex will forgive me for hurting him.

Confession #2045

When I say we are broke, it means we have no money.

It does not mean that you should go to the store and buy two cartons of cigarettes and then stop at the gas station on the way home and fill up with premium gas.

It does not mean you should eat out every single day of the week.

It means we have no money. It means you are going to put our account into the red.


Confession #2046

You may think you hit gold when you started dating my X husband. Think again. Listen to what he says when he tells you why he’s divorced twice. Really listen. Ask him about his 2 biggest secrets. Really big ones, by the way. Life altering ones.

Has he started making you sleep with your shirt off so he can cup your breast? That is where the controlling starts. It will get worse from there. He will start saying your friends aren’t good enough. If you go out with your girlfriends and he isn’t invited, he will accuse you of cheating. He will drive by your house to make sure you are where you say you are. Heaven forbid you should order supper to go instead of eating out – he went through the trash can and questioned my purchases.

Ask him why he only sees his kids 5% of their lives. His decision. Not the mean old X wife.

He is a cruel, controlling person.

Confession #2047

why oh why does your work get the best of you? they get the joker, the oh its so and so's birthday, i need a prank/funny poem/something nice for them to make them smile. or you tell me about the fun you have with the people you work with, all the nice things you do for them.

why dont i get that? today is my birthday and as much as i love the sappy cards and the email that says happy birthday, i love a good prank and joke too. its like you can't or wont be funny with me. i dont get it.

i try to do nice things for you and play around with you, but all i get is a blank stare back, so why bother? its like i'm encroching on your personality when i try to bring out that fun side of you.

i wish you could be you with me. it hurts that you can't or wont and i dont know why.

Confession #2048

Why do all men lie? I don't understand it. Can't they fucking tell the truth? If you don't want to be with me, man up and tell me that. Don't say you will call and then fall off the face of the earth. Unless you're dead. Which just might be alright. At least you'd have an excuse for not calling. And if you're my ex, don't suddenly start calling and texting me every day. You were a jackass the whole year we dated and now you want another chance to 'start over'? I may be stupid once, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it again. So leave me the hell alone. It's so much easier not to care. I should have never let you take me on a date, new guy. I finally gave in, knowing you would end up the same as every other guy. Too bad I proved myself right. I don't ever want to give another guy a chance. But I also don't want to die alone. I don't know what to do. I'm just never good enough.

Confession #2049

I know you read this "blog" to make sure you won't make the same mistakes other guys have and to make sure I never speak of you like I once did him. You have nothing to worry about though it makes me smile to know you care that much. You make me tea with out asking, you rub my feet, you cook dinner most of the time, you look after my little girl with love and affection and an abundance of patience. You know what I'm thinking and your sense of humor is as twisted as mine. You challenge me when I'm being absurd, and hold me when I'm overwhelmed. You've got it figured out, whether you realize it or not. I will follow you into the dark and meet you by the swings.

Confession #2050

Every time they blame their lousy behavior, drinking, rudeness, etc…. on someone other than themselves – they’re lying to you.

When they tell you that the child they have with their ex was not planned and was the reason they got married – they’re lying to you. He was a planned and very much wanted child. Do the math.

When they tell you that there are no other children out there – they’re lying. They have another child out there, nearly the same age as the one you do know about. This is another reason why they don’t have a bank account, why they never seem to have money (paying child support) and will avoid having a joint account with you.

They tell their family and friends one thing, and you an entirely different story. They made it so that you believe their family and friends to be these awful people who talk crap about you, influence them to do bad things, and try to break you guys up. None of that is true.

That piece of jewelry that you wear from them nearly everyday, was made possible by a loan from a member of their family. The same member who you despise because of the lies you are told.

They have lied about their past and their present and even though they want you for their future – they’ve been lying to you this whole time. They obviously do not respect you, nor do they think highly enough of you to admit everything.

The saddest thing is that their whole family, all of their friends, and many others surrounding you both – know the truths. Some don’t feel it’s their place to tell you, some have tried to tell them to tell you, and some simply don’t care anymore because the lies have just been going on so long that nothing seems to change.

So, before you go down that road with them that you have wanted for so long - do some research, talk to their family, really listen to what comes out of their mouth, because ALL of us are not looking forward to when you do find out and their little make believe world comes crashing in.