Friday, September 22, 2006

True Wife Confession 79 - End of my first decade

Confession #781

You are the best husband that I could ever wish for. I know that you
know that I betrayed you but both of us are pretending it never

I wonder if it's better to just move on like this and I'm glad that
there was no confrontation about what i had done. It's just that I
don't know if it affected you, if you ever think about it, how it
affects you still, because you seem to be able to brush everything off
and nothing really bothers you and I just hope that you are ok.

I don't know how I got into that situation. I wasn't intending to do
that. At first I didn't accept the blame in my heart. I blamed him for
making me do it and coercing me into that situation, knowing how badly
I needed to feel a certain way. Now I take full responsibility for
what I did. Now I'm paying the price because i should never have
trusted another person and I got betrayed right back.

I love you with all my heart. You are the kindest, sweetest man in the world.
I don't deserve you and I think everyone knows that.

Confession #782

How can you be so awful to me? So cold, so mean, so utterly without feeling? You once loved me enough to marry me. I gave you your son, whom you love so much.
We've been apart for two years, and they've been the happiest two years of my adulthood, but when you do these awful things, it still hurts. I just don't understand how you can love someone, and then hate them. How can you treat me this way, after everything I did for you?

Confession #783

I can appreciate that you're a sensitive egg and love your family and want to spend time with them. However, being so fragile that you felt the need to leave your stressful job (working 45 hours a week) for one that might have been less time consuming but end up having crappier pay is not acceptable.

Since then in pursuit of another good paying job you have now been home with our daughter for 7 weeks (and will probably be close to 8 1/2 by the time you go back to work) while I work and carry the health insurance for the family for mediocre pay. 7 weeks already, is 2 more than I got to spend with her when she came home from the hospital a sick preemie. Sometimes I wish I had the luxuries you allow yourself and force on our family.

Confession #784

I said in August I was going to leave. I did. You won’t stop calling, emailing and generally making my life hell.

You stood me up, you lied to me and about me to your friends, you forgot my birthday, anniversaries, etc. You have never once in over 6 months come to a Dr’s appointment with me, a treatment, a middle of the night emergency room visit. You were never there for me. Talking to me from the bar for 5 minutes after I find out the cancer is back is not being supportive.

And somehow because I can’t take it anymore, I leave, I ask you to stop calling me – somehow I am being abusive. Well if the truth is abusive, then so be it. I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t care what your drunk 35 year old frat buddies think of me. I do care what I think of myself and what my son thinks of me. I feel battered, depressed and ugly from the last 3 years with you. I can just imagine what my son thinks of me.

I delete your voicemails without listening, your emails without reading and ignore your friends. But I still feel like I am going crazy. I covered for you for so long, that everyone thinks you’re wonderful. You’ve even begun to believe the lies you have told yourself.

You didn’t want me when I was there – I was never as important as the next beer or party – so why do you care that I’m gone? I am never coming back. You can not convince me anymore that you will change. All trust is gone. Please, please just leave me alone.

Confession #785

Every day when you get home from work and won't rest until you find me, kiss me, tell me you love me, and ask me how my day was, I suddenly realize...You are the best thing to ever happen to me.

And I'm grateful. I love you too.

Confession #786

I had confessed that I didn't know how to tell you we may be pregnant again. The hatred and hostility your whole family is showing me has made me decide to get an abortion without even telling you. I'm also planning on packing my bags and leaving, since you have stopped defending me. I don't want to have any more ties to you and your freakishly nosey family than the one we already have.

Confession #787

Dear Asshole

I hate you!!! And I mean it!

Confession #788

When you showed up at home with Flowers and a card for my birthday, it was the best thing you could have ever done. I was bummed because you had to work the night my birthday. However you showing up with the simplest gift, was a sign that I married a wonderful guy.

I look forward to spending many a birthday with you. (including our future children's birthday's)

I love you so much!!!! Thanks for everything that you do to help me out, without you I wouldn't survive!

Confession #789

I hate you and your low life parents!

Please tell me what possess them to call to say they are coming into town once they have already planned in, packed the motor home, and are halfway through the four hour drive to where we live?

Would it have killed them to call while they were thinking about it to see what our plans were?

Why do you not see the issue with this?

Why do you think this is ok?

Why do they?

I would never, ever plan a trip to visit some one without discussing it with them prior.

But then again, they are trash and it shows!

Confession #790

I am so sick of you. Honestly so sick of you that I would not care if I ever saw you again. The only problem with that plan is I love your daughter. I wish you understand how much of an ass you are when you are having one of your temper trantums and scream at me, “Fuck you then…..I’ll do it all by myself.” And the at six the next morning your on the phone pannicking because she is sick and, “What are you supposed to do?”

Idiot!!!! Use your fucking Brain…..oh wait….you don’t have one!


Anonymous said...

#784 - two words: restraining order.

#786 - your post breaks my heart. I'm so sorry your wimpy-assed H didn't have the balls to stand up for you, and your children. Stay strong, sweetie -- you'll get through this.

Two Munkees and a Thread said...

#786-my heart goes out to you. I was once in your shoes.

Anonymous said...

#782 - I know how you're feeling all too well. I hope you heal as more time passes.

Anonymous said...

#783 - I hear you!

Anonymous said...

#782 - I could have written that a year ago. Now my ex has a new girlfriend and he is in that "I am so in love" phase again. I really hope she gets out before he turns on her too. She seems like a good person and has been nice to my children. I can hardly blame her for taking the same bait that I swallowed hook, line, and sinker. Oh, well. At least he is too busy loving her to hate me any more.

Anonymous said...

#786 Please don't kill this baby in a moment of frustration and anger. It's not the babys fault his dad's a jerk.

Anonymous said...

#786 I agree with 2:44. Please think carefully about this decision. Do not make it lightly. Anyone who tells you that an abortion is a simple solution that you get over easily and quickly is either lying, or has never suffered after making that decision. :(

Anonymous said...

#786 - I believe in your right to choose whether you want to have this baby or not. I would never judge you no matter what you decide but I agree it is a very serious decision. Please make sure you are making it for the right reasons. I also think your husband has a right to know before you do something that can not be undone. You will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.

me, a dreamer and believer said...


Sounds like you're feeling very alone. I'm sorry for that, but please don't take it out on your baby. 2:44 is right, it's not your baby's fault.

Please reconsider.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Please reconsider, talk to someone. You'll wonder forever if you do this.

Anonymous said...

#786 - I've had an abortion and in my opinion it would not be easy to hide it from your husband or his family. Or maybe that's the point--maybe you plan to do it, and let him find out you've done it after it's too late--but believe me, you aren't likely to be able to keep it a secret. If you're worried about the intrusive family this seems like you'd be giving them ammunition.

An abortion makes you nastily ill for a month or so afterward. You can expect a month or so of extremely painful cramps, constant bleeding where you cannot wear a tampon, and wacky hormonal mood changes. I completely support your right to do this if it is what you decide. But I want you to know what you're getting into.

It was the right choice for me, no question, and I understand if you want to make the same choice. But please take the advice of someone who's been there, and don't take this lightly. Even if you're a person who doesn't have an emotional attachment to the fetus, it's a big health event and will make all your other issues more difficult. Not that pregnancy is easy either.

I feel for you and I hope you can find a safe way through this.

Anonymous said...

an abortion is a piece of cake (to hide)

I have had 2. Two good friends have had one each.

All 4 were aborted in the first trimester. The sooner you do it, the less bleeding.

This was 10 years ago (in that era) and none of us gave real names and also paid in cash. The places were reputatable, safe.

It's like a period, hardly worse. I do not know *what* the above commentor is describing: botched job? 2nd/3rd trimester? miscarriage?

An abortion is EASY... take a mental support group ( a friend) Take a Xanax prior (easy enuf to get) and take a pain pill later.

You will be good as new in 2 days, maybe less.

Anonymous said...

#784 - I was married to an alcoholic. It sucked. You did the right thing by getting out. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. They just have no idea the misery they put other people through.

Anonymous said...

Great advice 8:15. What a saint you are. I'm glad killing your babies was so easy for you. A little bit disturbed about your advice to this woman. Do you work in an abortion clinic? You advocate for you and your friends. Read how you came across. Using abortions as birth control is dispicable.

Dawn said...

I rarely leap into the comments...but I want to stop the abortion as right or wrong - right now.

I have had one, and have had many friends who did as well. I also have many friends who feel that they could have never made that choice. I respect both sides as valid ideologies.

This is not a place for that debate.

Anonymous said...

Good for you Dawn, this is not the place for an abortion debate, neither is it the place for judgement. These are confessions people, dark secrets that the posters divulge to get them off their chest, if they wanted judgements I'm sure there are plenty of people in their real lives that would willingly oblige, can we please ease up on the knee jerk reactions?

For the record 777 is mine, it's not something I would admit to anyone, not even to myself really, seeing it in print allows me to assess it's validity.

Thank you for this site Dawn, I'm a daily visitor, it helps to know others are in similar situations and from time to time read how someone has dealt with something relevant to your life.

May the force be with you sisters.

Anonymous said...

Dangerous advice 8:15.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if we're still supposed to raise our hands when our confession shows up so that nobody else thinks that these are all made-up or what...
...but just so the whole world knows, my confession popped up in this one.

And honey, if you ever read this site or this confession: what I told you on the plane last night home from Chicago still stands. You're the best thing in my life. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

#784: You are doing the right thing by keeping this toxic asswipe out of your life. I hope you finally find some peace and joy, for it sounds like the real cancer was him. Continue to take care of yourself and surround yourself with positive people and positive energy. Your son will be fine. Btw, a restraining order might not be a bad idea.