Thursday, August 31, 2006

True Wife Confessions Highway 61revisited

Confession #601

I hate you. I've hated you since about two months after we got married the first time. You are sadistic, perverted and just an awful man. So now, eleven years later, I am just keeping my mouth shut and trying to get through until the kids are old enough that if we get divorced I won't have to leave them alone with you. After we got divorced, I only got back together with you so that I wouldn't have to send the kids 1000 miles away to stay with you and your crazy fucking mother. And I only married you again so that the kids and I would have health insurance. I have done awful things to you in retaliation for the way that you treat me and in the hope that you will finally just leave me and the kids (it's not like you even care about them or are ever nice to them).

But I know that you never will. It makes me sick how you are so needy and say that you love me so much and can't live without me. If you love me so much, why do you push me around and choke me? How can you think that slapping me and hurting me and pissing on me during sex is LOVE?

Mostly I hate myself for staying with you. But I'm trapped. I can't leave the kids alone with you. And the court doesn't care that you are a fucking pornography-addicted, control freak- you'd still get visitation.

You alternate between being a whiny little bitch who wants to hold my hand and "cuddle" and says that I am so cold and unaffectionate and the classic abusive husband. The whole household walks on eggshells around you.

I hate it that I spend so much time doing every little thing that you need that it makes me resent the kids needing me to do stuff. I hate it that I am so wound up from your bullshit that I snap at them for stupid reasons.

I hate it that I have to do everything in the house in addition to working full time. I hate it that you won't do a single goddamn thing for yourself but complain about the way that I do things. When your single job at home was mowing the lawn, you never did it. The grass was knee-fucking-high. This summer, while I'm doing it, you're bitching that I don't use the weed-eater enough.

I wish almost every day that you would die. And if there were a way that I could kill you and not get caught I would do it. In a heartbeat.

So enjoy your remaining few years of having me to control and humiliate and wait on you hand and foot. Because as soon as our youngest is old enough, I am so so gone.

Oh and by the way, you are a fat ass and not nearly as funny as you think you are.

Confession #602

When I met you, I immediately recognized you as a wonderful man. I knew you would be a great husband and father and I couldn't let that go so I married you and over the years you have proven that I was right. But I'm so very far from being attracted to you and our sex is so polite, orchestrated and the same every single time. I make myself have sex with you because I know you expect it and that you're extremely attracted to me and not because I actually want you. My ex-boyfriends used to say I was the best and wildest sex they'd ever had and now I find myself encouraging you to work night shifts because I'd rather use my vibrator than have sex with you. I miss my libido. I know I'm cheating us both out of a passionate marriage, but I really do love you and I know you love the children and me. I could never cheat on you or leave you because I know it would destroy our little family, but sometimes I find myself thinking that something could happen to you on the job and I'd be free to be me again.

Confession #603

You are the love of my life, but nothing sends me into a silent rage faster
than when you decide to watch porn while we are in the middle of foreplay or
sex and have to waste five minutes finding a scene on the DVD or the
videotape. My problem isn't with the porn, it is with the time and it is
with watching you go soft while you find the "right" scene. If you want porn
on while we do it, please cue the damn scene up beforehand and have it
waiting. Watching you search for a scene makes me feel like a prop and makes
me wish I hadn't spent all the time beforehand getting both of us warmed up.
And watching you switch tapes or discs makes me wonder if I should just get
up and get dressed.

If you want the porn on, ask before we get started, or just turn it on as we
get started. Don't ask me and then act like you are only suggesting it for
my benefit. Because unless you already have the scene waiting to go, it is
NOT going to do anything to get me going. I've told you this many times, and
each time you act like it is new information and wonder why I am so cranky
about it. You know which scenes I like, this isn't rocket science or
alchemy.

While I'm at it, you can either complain that I never initiate anything, or
when I do, you can ask why I'm in the mood. You can't do both. If you don't
complain, you can ask me what got me so wet before we came to bed. If you do
complain, don't question why I want it, just slide it in and be grateful.

Confession #604

We've been together for 7 years now and I really want a baby. I know you
said it's not the right time and you don't know when it will be, but I
can't help the way I feel. Sometimes I think about going off my birth
control and not telling you and than letting you think its just one of
those crazy flukes. But I could never be that deceitful to you.

Confession #605

you told me that it will never work because I will never change...Who are you kidding? You were lucky to have me....You, me, and everyone else knows that you are an asshole from hell who has put me through more BS than any human should have to endure at the hands of a "lover". But you know what? You're almost right, I do need to change....The first change will be permantly removing you from my life....thank you for giving me my lightbulb moment....and PS: I really really hope the charge you got for assaulting me sticks, cause maybe you didn't deserve it that night, but there were plenty of nights you did and you deserve to have that one on your record so everyone will know what an ass you really are.

Confession #606

When I married you, I was in love with someone else. I married you because I liked you and believed you were an upstanding man. I didn't allow myself to think about whether I would ever love you as a should. I was correct about your character to an even greater degree than anticipated. I am in love with you now and have been for some time. I know our marriage is not perfect, but most of the time I feel that it is close. I am sorry about the beginning. I could not help the way I felt. Thank you for choosing me in spite of what I suspect you knew.

Confession #607

You are truly a selfish asshole. Just can't seem to give up that need to be a bachelor, can you? I have put up with your drinking. With you being so far gone on whatever drug that I found you in the basement, crouched behind the boiler like a frightened cat. With your staying out all night long, without so much as a phone call. A DUI. Your memberships at Yahoo Personals and some fucked up sex personal site. But I'm the one that is the problem, right? Now, I am pregnant with your child. And I thought you had changed. And last night, you went to the store at 6PM. And came home drunk at 3AM. Who is she? I know...It must suck to have to look at me pregnant. Go to hell. Ladies out there...They don't change.

Confession #608

A part of me believes that you got sick on purpose because you didn't want to have kids.

Confession #609

This weekend I am not going to go to my moms to spend time with family....I am going to be with the man I was in love with since I was 12 and lost contact with for 8 years! I have thought about him everyday, even though we have a wonderful life and child together. I need to be with him.

I am sorry.


Confession #610

I hate your family. I hate your brother. I hate your cousins. I hate your uncle. Most of all I hate your mother. She is rude, selfish, ungrateful and she smells. I hate taking our son over to her house because he always comes out smelling like musty smokey b.o. Just like your mother. I hate when you drive her places in my car because I can smell her when I get in.

I hate that your brother only visits her three times a year, and when he does he might get around to doing 1 small chore for her and even though you are constantly going over there to do real chores for her, she goes on and on and on about how wonderful your brother was to mow the back lawn. What about the weekend before when you put a new roof on her house? I don't even think she said thank you.

I hate that you think she is the most wonderful woman in the world. I hate that we have given her thousands of dollars to "help her out" over the last few years and that even though you went to the bank with her to straighten everything out, she's fucked up her finances again.

I hate that when her car died last year, she made you (she refused to let me, because she didn't want to inconvenience me) drive her to work, while I waited for the tow truck by the side of the road and then had to pay for it myself (remember that? I was 8 months pregnant).

I hate that when we go over to her house for family dinners, she treats your brother's girlfriend and I like shit, while she treats your brother like a King and you like a Prince. Remember last Christmas? When she gave everyone else (including herself) dessert, and "accidentally" forgot to give me a plate? And there was no dessert left? So I had to sit there while you animals eloped down your dessert, pretending that it was alright. By the way, obviously your mother didn't teach you boys any manners, you're supposed to wait until everyone has a plate before you start eating.

Speaking of what your mother never taught you boys growing up (and I WILL blame it on your mother, because both you and your brother are guilty of all these things), you have NO table manners, you lick your plate and your knife when you are done eating, you don't shower daily (you are a grown man with a wife, child and PROFESSIONAL DESIGNATION, get up ten minutes earlier and TAKE A GODDMAMN SHOWER every morning), you don't shave every day, you wait until your hair is long and shaggy and scraggily looking before you will go for your $10 (cheap ass) haircut. You will wear the same clothes day after day and you never even offer to help with the laundry. You never help with the dishes, the vacuuming, the sweeping, cleaning the toilets, nothing. You don't brush your teeth before you go to bed, and you don't brush your teeth when you wake up, you wait until 2 minutes before you leave for work. That's disgusting. And I blame all of that on your mother because your brother is the SAME WAY.

Despite all that bullshit, I still love you and think you are a good husband and father. (But you make me so mad sometimes!)

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I absolutely love this website! When I start to feel bad about being perpetually single, I read these posts and it all just goes away. I think I would rather be single than take the chance of one day writing a post like these.

Anonymous said...

Please #601, leave him before he kills you, and then you will have no say if your kids are around him or not. Go to a womens shelter, get public assistance, do whatever you have to, but leave. I am afraid for your life, and your kids.
#604, I did this, and it did not go well. He suspects, but does not know for sure. He is resentful that I made him have another child.

It hurts me that so maany people are in so much pain :(

Anonymous said...

#607 - they don't change!! thats definelty right...i was dumb enought to stay in a very similiar relationship....2 kids and 5 yrs later, i'm finally gone, thank God!! i gave him more opportunities to straighten up then anyone should and it never stuck for him, get out while you can!

The first post, can't remember the #: I pray for you and your safety, and i just want to tell you i understand where you are coming from...i dont necesarily agree but i understand, i did it for a long time too, stayed with the asshole so my kids would never be alone with him...i finally left, and guess what? havent heard from him...problem solved for now....i will NEVER leave my kids alone with him. I hate to think of the effect staying is having on your kids though (thats what did it for me), and i hope one day they can understand that you did it to keep them safe. good luck to you, please be careful

Anonymous said...

My god. Poor you. Hopefully he will just die of some kind of staph infection from being NASTY. He sounds like a catch.

Dinosaur Mom said...

Anonymous 9:05 - Amen. There can really be a lot of joy in family life, even pretty dysfunctional family life. But it's not easy and it's not for everyone.

#601, I'm so sorry, that's a horrible situation. It's difficult to leave when you have kids to protect and feed. But when you leave, even with all the problems you'll face, you will wake up in the morning and life will go on. And you will be protecting your children and saving yourself.

Jaelithe said...

#601, I hope you can find some help and get out of this situation soon. I know you are afraid he will hurt your kids if he gets visitation rights or custody rights that will allow him to be alone with them, but he could hurt the kids RIGHT NOW. He could do it in front of you, and you might not be able to stop him until the damage is done. He could do it behind your back. in the 15 minutes it took for you to run down to the corner store. He may have done it already.

And he IS hurting your children right now, by hurting their mother.

I am sending positive thoughts your way. I hope things get better for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

#601

You need to get OUT of that marraige. The benifits of health insurance are simply not worth the long term effects on your children. They are learning that it is ok to dis respect their mother and women in general. They witness and understand alot more then you realize. My mother did this..went back for our "security" and age 32 I still have nightmares. I don't trust men ...neither does my sis. My brother refuses to have children w/ his wife..as he firmly believes that it's genetic.

And as much as I love my mother, there are still things I can't forgive her for.

Your in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Pissing on you during sex? Wow, that's a new one to me. I'd be pissin' in his coffee in the morning for that one.

Anonymous said...

#603 - dude I so understand... you have no idea.
nothing drives me crazy like that totally surprised look and the "What's gotten into you?" questions, when he's said he wants me to be more aggressive. Do ya or don't ya? Gheesh!

Anonymous said...

609 if you have a wonderful life with your husband then why do you need to be with this man? Doesn't make any sense.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for all your rage. why do us women have to feel so much rage?

Julie said...

#601: Please excuse me for the strong words, as I am really upset after reading your confession.

Hell with getting out of the marriage, that man belongs in JAIL. Jail or no, I don't believe he deserves to have any visitation rights anyway, being both physically and sexually abusive. Choking and pissing on you during sex without your consent is rape, end of story. Please take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

601 this has left me feeling like this isn't something to just "confess" -- you need to do much more than this... you need to save yourself and your children ASAP. He will, if he hasn't already, abuse your children as he has you. Please leave. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you're better off for coming to this blog and reading the comments your fellow sisters have left.

You CAN do it.

Anonymous said...

#601
I seriously hope you take the advice handed out by my fellow posters here - they've all said it perfectly, there is not much I can add - except to stress that 7:17 is absolutely right - you CAN do it. Not to put any blame on you, but yes, your kids are already being permanently damaged by this. If you leave now - and get help if and when you do, it could be dangerous - hopefully your kids will learn that a woman does NOT have to accept that kind of behaviour, and a woman can be strong enough to leave. I wish I could come to you & help you leave RIGHT NOW. Since I can't, look for women's shelters in your area, they can and will help.

Anonymous said...

#601, I have thought about you all day. I read your confession first thing this morning and am still thinking of you tonight. Please do get OUT. I agree with the others that you are not doing your children any favors by staying. Find yourself a lawyer that helps women in your type of situation so you can keep your children away from him.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am 609.
That weekend was wonderful. I needed to be with him because I needed to get the closure I never had....I got it. I have told my husband and he forgives me. He understands because he is a wonderful man and knows me and my heart. Telling him has made us stronger.
BTW, I did not sleep with the other man.

Jenny said...

#602 - you might check out a book called something like The Great American Sex Diet... from what I've heard, it is a great way to reconnect and learn how to be turned on by your partner, and for him to learn how to turn you on, too. It sounds like he just needs a nudge in the right direction.