I once loved you, rather, I do love you, but not like I should. I love
you because you are the father of my children. However, I can't put
anymore into this 10 year marriage, I can't. I have started seeing a
therapist because my life is slowly crashing down on me. I love him,
not you. I want to be with him, not you. Yet I can't leave because of
the kids, it would kill me.
I'm slowly killing myself inside because i'm torn. I don't hide you
from him, you know all about him, but what you don't know is how much
I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. How he
wraps me in his arms and kisses my forehead and tells me "Everything
will be okay, baby." How when I lie in bed with him it's like heaven.
I've never felt like this before, but yet I can't leave you. I haven't
slept with you since I met him 2 years ago.
You do everything for me, you treat me like a goddamn princess and all
I want you to do is shut me out...kick me out, anything, but you
don't. You still love me as much as that day when we said "I do." I
wish I could say the same.
I've lost myself, yet when i'm with him I have my strength back and
I'm the person I used to be. I love the person I am when i'm in his
presence, because i've found me. I'm sad when i'm not with him, I know
you see that. He has not once judged me for what i've done, or what
i'm doing. He wants to be with me too and I know it frustrates him
that i'm still here living under the same roof as you.
Please, please let me go.....that's all i'm asking.
You're selfish. You don't think about anyone but yourself. Yes, you do provide for the family but that's about it. You spend no time with your kids or with me. You think that because you "work so hard" that that entitles you to sit in front of the tv most of the time you're home. Your kids are dying for some attention from you and they would love to spend time with you.
We've talked and talked and talked and it all comes back to nothing changing. I've told you what I need, to feel loved by you, to feel appreciated, to think sexy, to think that you might actually want to spend time with me. Nothing has changed and it's sad. I don't expect much and maybe that's the problem. I've expected and gotten so little from you in the past that to you, this is ok. It's not. How hard would it be to think of someone other than yourself for once? You have a family and you need to think of them sometimes. It's not all about you, despite what you seem to think.
We won't be here forever if things don't change. It's sad that it's taken me this long to realize that how you've been acting for as long as I've known you isn't ok. I deserve more and our kids deserve more. They deserve a father who wants to spend time with them, wants to do things with them, wants to be in their lives and wants to make them a priority. I deserve a husband who acts like he loves me, who makes me feel pretty and sexy, who tells me that he's proud of me for my accomplishments, who makes me a priority in his life.
Yesterday I read your email (duh! change your password or if you're going to be doing this, create a new account!) and found a "response to your profile" posted on that gross "dating/sex" site. So I went and signed up for that site so I could search for your profile. Sure enough, I found it and what I read disgusts me. You signed up for the site, and posted a profile about how all you want is just sex - the language you used was very vulgar. It hurts me because we do have a lot of sex. I'm way smarter than you; you will never be able to get away with things like this with me. The day last week you got home early - I know you lied about what time you got home (but I don't know why). The pictures you took of yourself - I've seen them. You've set your browser to record no history, yet you don't delete cookies. You will not get away with anything.
2 hours after signing up for that site, I got an email stating someone had responded to my profile (which was totally fake, by the way).....it was YOU, wanting to see a picture of me. I was shocked, but I did not respond. I don't know if I will. Because getting angry about it at all makes me a hypocrite since I haven't been entirely faithful either--but at least for me, it is about so much more than just sex. I have not had sex with anyone else, but I've wanted to because of how they make me feel emotionally.
We're in trouble. I love you a lot, and I want us to be happy especially for our children, but we both obviously need things we are not getting from each other. We are in trouble and it scares me. I'm scared of the honesty that will be required if we confront this. I'm terrified of what will happen if we don't.
You're right -- I really am not at all interested in having sex with you ever again. You're a lazy lover who has no interest in his partner's satisfaction. Who in their right mind would want to have sex with that kind of lover?
And you're right about something else -- I have no interest in sleeping in the same bed with you ever again. You snore and you move around a lot, and those things wake me up and KEEP me awake. I get really cranky when I'm kept awake like that. Neither one of us needs that.
So I confess. You're right on both counts. But to tell you that and have you hold it over my head? No way.
I really must confess that I could be alot nicer, and lot happier if you'd just carry your own weight. You are 37 years old. You are good at math. You can surely figure out that if you don't have money to fix your boat, motorcycle, or truck it is because you need to GET
A JOB! Duh! Just quit your belly aching, get a job and don't sit there and complain once you get a job. It is a job. It you enjoyed it, it would be a hobby and they wouldn't have to pay someone to do it. Life is not that complicated. I am sick of either being a b*tch or martyr.
I love you, and I love your family. But I find it infuriating that
your mother calls me only to complain. Mostly about your dad, and
when I have input or a tiny complaint about you--in effort to "dish"
or have an actual two way conversation--I get informed that you are SO
much easier to deal with than your dad. And that's because of her.
Of course. And then she's right back to her rant. I can appreciate
that in your all-male family, your mother now feels like she finally
has someone to listen to her. But I am seriously at the end of my
rope. I am in medical school, yet she'll still call, and I tell her
I'm studying, and she still drones on for an hour. Seriously, next
time she calls, do NOT give me the phone.
You've broken my heart in a million pieces. I ache.
I would never have been a lover to you. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have fallen in love with you either. I shouldn't have bared my heart and soul to you. I was too young, you were old enough to know better. I am still too young, still too in love with you. Why did you let this happen? Why me?
I have to say good-bye to you, and I don't know how. This friendship doesn't Compare to what we had and it will never be the same again. You are married and I'm left here to rot.
I don't wish you to be in hell. I just wish to find happiness and forgiveness for myself.
I really hate your job. But what I hate even more is that you don't care that I hate it. You don't care that we're broke because you make shit money. You don't care that you're home maybe 2 evenings out of every week. You don't care that you work every Saturday. You don't care that I'm miserable because I have to have a job I HATE just so you can have a "career" that doesn't pay jack and has high school kid hours. I wouldn't dream of giving you the ultimatum "me or your job," because truly, I'm not sure which you would choose.
My being sick does not equal you being sick. It is possible for one person to be sick without the spouse automatically being sick. I know you find this hard to believe, because as soon as you know I am sick, you start laying the groundwork for your own "Illness" days later.
Oh, and I understand you don't want to "catch" what I have, but running after me and wiping down the phone and handles I touch with rubbing alcohol, or the bed with Lysol? Makes me unreasonably angry. I don't have the fucking avian flu, I just have a cold. Deal with it.