Tuesday, November 21, 2006

True Wife Confession 122 Performance Space

Confession #1211

i know when i left you i made the right decision. i did what was best for me. you turned me into someone i didn't like. you belittled me, made me feel unimportant, didn't want to put any effort into us EVER. you crushed my self esteem and it's been over a year and i'm still not who i used to be before YOU came along.

a mere three months after i left, i heard you already had another girlfriend, while i'm still alone over a year later. even though i don't miss you and i know i did the right thing, it still pisses me off when i hear that you treat her better than you ever did me. why did i not deserve to be treated well by you? i did everything for you, i put up with so much shit, i tried to make our relationship better. i tried until i couldn't anymore and after that the only thing i tried to do was make you as miserable as i was. why, a year later, does it still make me jealous to think of you with her, to think of you treated her the way i'd always wished you'd treated me? it still gets to me that you've already found someone, that you're happy, and i'm still here, miserable and alone. waiting for someone better than you to come along (and sometimes wondering if i made a mistake, because maybe there is nobody better). i hate you for making me hate myself. and i hate you for telling her she's beautiful and how much you love her every day. i hate you because i still have enough feelings left for you to hate you.

Confession #1212

I love the fact that you cooked and cleaned, but I
wish you'd put bad food from the fridge in a sealed
plastic bag instead of dumping it in our trash as is.

Our entire apartment smells like the dumpster and you
still haven't figured out why yet. Sometimes I wish
you'd use common sense instead of needing me to bitch
it into you - over and over again

Confession #1213

I can't confide in you, and I hate it.

If I tell you something that upsets me, you get upset too, and you yell when you're upset.

If I tell you something that worries me, you'll get worried, too, so much that you won't sleep.

I never asked you to take on my burdens. I just want you to be supportive and help me work through them. By taking them on yourself, you create bigger problems, and that's twice the shit I have to deal with!


Confession #1214

To my soon to be ex husband
I don't know if I ever really loved you like a wife should love her husband. I honestly now think I only married you because I didn't think anyone else would want me. You did so many things to hurt our relationship while we were dating and then after we got married and you wonder why I want a divorce. You quit a well paying job because you said didn't get along with your boss 10 months before our wedding. Instead of looking for a job you sat around watching tv and hung out with your friends until I threatened to call off the wedding THEN you got a crappy job making half of what you were while I was busting my ass to pay for the wedding.
We found out I was pregnant a week after our wedding. You were so excited but yet again quit your job. Instead of looking you were online constantly talking to young girls until I caught you and you LIED to my face. You didn't even look for a new one until I was taken out of work by the doctor. Then only found something parttime. Who did you think was going to pay for the baby stuff when I was not allowed to work????? You helped out with our beautiful daughter while our son was in the hospital, and then that all changed when he came home. I told you that if things didn't change I was leaving you, and you really didn't think I would did you?
Your mom took you in and of course you told everyone how horrible I was to unfairly leave you. Can I just say F You buddy! I put up with your crap for wayyyyyyy too long and now that mom is gone you think I will take you back. FORGET IT! You went around bitching to your friends that I wouldn't work when in fact I couldn't go to work because our son needed around the clock care. But anything to make you look better to your friends right? I really feel sorry for any woman who gets involved with you because no matter how much you say you have changed, you really haven't.
The sex was good in the beginning but then you started saying you weren't in the mood, you would turn down my advances. You are a total fool..plenty of men want someone like me in their bed, and I have found a wonderful man who gives me what I want and actually has a sex drive to match mine.

Confession #1215

I don't love you and I have never loved you. In THAT way. I love you like a dear friend. I have a soft spot in my heart for you, because I believe your heart is good. I married you because I wanted to take care of you, help you have a good life, because I felt like, without me, you would have ended up in a bad place. You had such a hard childhood. The abuse, neglect, and the string of asshole stepfathers.

Can people be happy without THAT kind of love? The "soul mate" kind of love. I have known that kind of love. There is someone who made me feel that way -- who made me feel like I was home when I was with him -- that there was no one else in the world when I was with him. But he didn't return my feelings. So I married you. I still long for him and cry every day about him.

Confession #1216

I know about your MySpace account.

You've listed yourself as single, and younger than you really are.

Why?

You know about my ex, and his predilection for online chats with women, and my resulting phobia about cheating.

If you cheat on me, I'll make your psycho ex look like a Girl Scout. That's a promise.

Confession #1217

Husband,

Right before I moved away from our friends and family to be with you again in our new town and state, I went out and partied hard. I flirted with a man and found a way to go with him that appeared to be innocent. I'd like to say I was still drunk, but I wasn't. I fucked him hard three different times that night. I am sorry that if you ever find out about this that it will destroy you, but the sex was amazing. It was hot and wild--what our sex has rarely, if ever, been. I think of that sex almost everytime we make love. I wish your libido was as great as his and that you would match me for wanting sex.

I do love you. I will never tell you, and I won't ever do it again.

Your whore wife

Confession #1218

Thank you. Thank you for supporting this new job even though we don't need the money. Thank you for understanding that after 6 years I just need to get out of the house. Thank you for not making me feel bad that we'll have to put the girls in daycare and we might need to buy a new car so I can get to work. Thank you for not pointing out that the housework and other household chores I take care of everyday will likely suffer after I start working. All these things play in my mind every hour of every day and I'm almost ready to have a panic attack just thinking about it so thank you for just saying "hey, it's ok.. this is what you want remember," this morning when I needed a reminder. This is what I want. So thanks.

Confession #1219

Yesterday I made a fool of myself over you again. It
has been more than a year since I broke up with you,
but I still can't let you go. I love you, and you
don't love me. Well, you love me sometimes--when
you're feeling insecure, when you're sick. Yesterday
you tried to be nice, but it was so obvious you just
wanted me to go away. And it hurt so much.

Confession #1220

Here I am again. I hate you. I love you. You drive me
nuts. You are in an inapproiate friendship with your
friend's wife. When I tell him just how much you two
talk, and the way you talk about her, I doubt he would
have much trust left for you. You take my feelings for
you and ignore them, reject them, and make me feel
like shit. You don't love me. You only want me around
when your dick gets hard. You are the reason why I am
so unstable now. You are the reason now why I have
tried to kill myself twice in the past two years. Not
my exhusband but YOU. You are the reason why I am now
seeing a counselor. You are the reason why I am on the
verge of quitting and moving away. I hate you, yet I
love you. I cannot keep letting you take advantage of
me the way you do. I will not do your laundry anymore.
I will not let you use my cameras anymore. I will not
buy you food anymore. You do not know how good you had
it when you were living with me. You do not know how
much I loved you and how much shit I was willing to
put up with. You have no idea how much you hurt me
when you chose to ignore me, my feelings, my pleads,
and my cries. You have no idea how bankrupt I feel
now.

And if you ever read this, I hope you know this is me
referring to you and I hope you take this and move
very very far away from me.

13 comments:

Funk Master Flex said...

#1220-I know exactly how you feel. Cut his ass off now. Trust me, you'll find someone else who will appreciate all of your kind heartedness and affection. I was trapped in that love you, hate you bull@%&# and I could kick my own ass for staying as long as I did.

Anonymous said...

1212, since he cooks and cleans *and* cleans out the fridge--can't you take out the garbage instead of bitching at him?

Anonymous said...

1212- Honestly, one of the reasons I left my stbx is that he insisted that all of the trash go into little ziploc baggies. It was more of a control issue since we took the garbage out every evening anyway.

I would recommend you relax over this small issue.

If you have a hubby that is decent and kind and this one small irritant is his only downfall - consider yourself blessed.

Anonymous said...

1215- I am where you are. It's been nearly 5 years since I've seen "the one that got away", and I still think of him every. single. day. Chin uP

Anonymous said...

1211, you ARE better off without him. Losing yourself to such negativity is never a good thing and I'm proud of you for standing up for the woman you are inside and not making excuses to stay the woman you were trying to be for him. Remember, he probably treated you okay at the beginning, too, or you wouldn't have stuck around. It may only be a matter of time before he stops telling his new woman what you wish he'd have told you. Take heart, there are better men out there, men who aren't afraid to tell you what you mean to them, who will delight in the things you do for them and reciprocate those things in kind. There ARE. I promise.

Anonymous said...

I haven't even heard of the trash in the baggies idea! Seems like something very small to get worked up over. And a big waste of baggies.

Maybe he can take out the trash after he cleans out the fridge?

Anonymous said...

Hey, 1211:

It used to tear me up that my ex-husband appeared to treat his twinkie girlfriend better than he'd ever treated me, especially after all I'd done for him. But now I know he DOESN'T treat her any better. He's just as much an asshole to her as he was to me.

And now I'm seeing a wonderful man who treats me the way I DESERVE!
You'll find one, too.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

I haven't even heard of the trash in the baggies idea! Seems like something very small to get worked up over. And a big waste of baggies.

Maybe he can take out the trash after he cleans out the fridge?

4:32 PM
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

That SHOULD read "Maybe YOU can take out the trash after HE cleans out the fridge?"

I should think so!!!

Anonymous said...

1211 here:
to those that left comments: thank you :) you don't know how much it means to me to hear there are better men and i will find one. sometimes you just need to hear it's possible.

Anonymous said...

#1212:

If you cooked and cleaned and he complained about how you put the garbage into the garbage can, there would be a complaint here about how ungrateful he was for your hard work.

Quit bitching, say thank you, and take the damn garbage out yourself before it starts to stink in the first place!

Anonymous said...

Bitching about the garbage is a no brainer hon. Personally, my older boys take care of the garbage. But when they were too small and my husband and I had to do it, it just wasn't an issue. Got lots of other things on the "must bitch about priority list." I've been married almost 15 years and you won't make it if this is one of those things you can't resolve without making it a big issue. Now, I can completely understand about 2:17. Are you kidding me? He made you put the food in little ziploc baggies? Wow, talk about being a little obsessive and maybe a little anal. Or alot of both. I use the garbage disposal and if you don't have one, they are fairly cheap and easy to install. Maybe that would solve your problems.

Anonymous said...

Uh yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with the others 1212, get some perspective. That is a ridiculous thing to get worked up about.

Anonymous said...

some comments sound like men. what are the odds men followed that link to here from a few days back?

1215 -- Wow. You aren't the only one, sister. Not by a long shot. I totally have days like that ~ then I remember, if I lived day to day with that guy, he would likely drive me nuts. Looking back at old flames is like looking thru candle light ~ nice and soft and forgiving and wavering - not too clear.

Let him go. He's gone.

But I hear you. I do!