Thursday, November 02, 2006

True Wife Confessions 109 Shibuya

Confession #1081

Ten years ago today we married. We stood before our family, our friends and God and committed to each other to make it a lifetime and go the distance.

Three years ago I sat you down and put the apartment listings, daycare locations and job listings I was applying for in front of you because I was done. We were done. I was sick of the disrespect. Sick of being unloved and deemed unlovable. Sick of feeling too young to live the rest of my life like that. Sick of allowing our son to watch and learn how NOT to treat his wife. I put all the print-outs in front of you and told you to choose. Either choose the wife, family, home, LIFE you already have and choose to do it right or choose for me to leave.

To my surprise, you re-chose me. It took a while to re trust the unguarded me with you again but I did and there isn't a minute now that I'm not eternally thankful for it, for you, for us. We're ten years older and ten years wiser with ten years of history behind us and we're better than ever. I can't imagine what my life would be if you'd made the other choice and I'm going to spend the next ten years and longer letting you know how thankful I am to have what we have.

You spent a year not being you and we spent a year not being us. I know neither of us has forgotten that and I think that's a good thing. We're not taking what we have for granted anymore. You're my friend again, my husband again, his dad again, my love again.

I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me and for him. You work so unbelievably hard, away from home so much during the week, so that I can be here with him, caring for him, getting him off the bus, making lunch. When he first joined us I was so set on having a career and now I get a panic attack at the thought of having to get a job which would make it so I was not the one to kiss the boo-boos and slice the apples. Thank you for calming me when the money gets tight and the panic hits and soothing me that we'll figure it out, it'll all be ok.

And then when you are home, you're so engaged, so participating, so loving with him. He IS learning how to be a great husband and father through you. He's got the BEST daddy and I've got the BEST husband.

Happy Anniversary honey. I couldn't have a better life and that's because of you. Thank you for your endless love, support, care, friendship and heart.

Confession #1082

From one wife to another:

Your husband is spineless. If there's a visual for the word "Tool" in the dictionary, it should be a photo of your husband's clueless mug. He's just as neglectful of your children as you are. I feel so bad for your kids... No wonder they have so many problems.

Confession #1083

I confess that I'm not sure if I love you anymore. Perhaps I should be
more succinct. I do love you, but I have fallen out of love with you, and
every time you hurt me I love you less. You hurt me in big ways and
small. You have grabbed my arm and bruised it several times, you have
pushed me onto the floor, you have broken my things and thrown objects and
smashed glass on the floor, and you have expected me to clean up, and I
have. I hate myself for doing those things, but I did them, there's no
denying it. These violent actions have been spread out over 3 or 4 years,
so they seem somewhat diluted I guess. You have insulted my family and my
friends - that's less forgivable than the physical stuff. What wears away
at me is the little things, though. You treat me like a child. I have
supported you in your quest to change careers for three years now. You
have health insurance and a house because of me. I don't deny that you
work your ass off, because you do, but you seem to forget that I do
too. Sometimes you make more money than me; more often, you make less or
none. I know you'll eventually make a good salary, but I feel as though I
am your slave and I am under a microscope all the time. You do nothing
around the house, you complain that you have no clean socks when I'm in the
midst of doing laundry (hello? you can also do laundry! I'm pretty sure
you've done it before...), you smoke cigars and then expect me to love your
smelly self (and you tell everyone you're a non-smoker just because you've
given up cigarettes and pot), and you complain about the lack of sex. The
lack of sex, my friend, is because you are mean to me. I clean the hell
out of the house, and what do you do? You notice a slight film on the
counter in one spot, probably leftover from the soft scrub, that you can
only see in certain light. You can't compliment me or be thankful for the
fact that you do nothing - NOTHING - in our home, you can only find
fault. I work late because the grant I'm paid from runs out soon. I'm
trying really hard to have my boss find a way to get new funding for
me. I'm not cheating on you. If we fail, I'm never, ever going to be in a
relationship again. There is no way under this sun that I want to have
another relationship if we split, especially not one that would involve a
penis. You dictate my time, and you question every move I make when I'm
out of your sight. I AM NOT YOUR EX. I am not the person who cheated on
you. I have such an incredible desire to be devoid of male contact you
should be thrilled. You make me feel like a child. You explain everything
to me, down to how to clean the dishes - that you never wash, by the
way. Um, guess what? I have a brain! I'm pretty fucking
intelligent! Probably more than you! To say nothing of the fact that I've
cleaned a gazillion dishes and bathtubs and counters and rugs and clothing
and...and... and... you don't do any of it. And I do. You aren't allowed
to criticize. If what I do is so bad, YOU do it. I work more than forty
hours a week, and I am also going to school. You have lovely dinners and a
clean house and clean clothing because of me. You have health insurance
because of me. I can't believe you have all of this and you are still mean
and arrogant toward me.

I don't even know why I'm with you anymore.

Confession #1084

Some days the only reason I don't leave you is because all the men who've shown an interest in me are polyamorous and ugly. If I have to settle for an ugly man I'm sure as hell not going to share.

Confession #1085

Do not ignore me when I try to get you up in the morning... one of these days I won't give a damn that you hate cold water and I WILL use it. I'm having a hard time remembering what a great guy you can be when EVERY morning I have to go ahead and get your fat ass outta bed. It makes me madder then you will ever know.

Oh, and when we argue on the phone DO NOT act like a frikkin' child and hang up...


Confession #1086

I love you so much it makes me sick. But I must admit, I was relieved when your mom died. I can't believe I am writing this, it's been my little secret for almost a year.

Confession #1087

I love you with all I have.

BUT. I loathe cuddling with you at night. You have gained over 50 lbs in the 16 years we have shared and after 2 kids, I have a weak bladder, PLUS I am a night sweater- the last thing I want is your dead weight on me when I am trying to sleep. That- and your shaved public region itches my back, which is the real reason I sleep clothed. You tell me I should be lucky to have someone who wants to cuddle? Besides you – who said I didn’t?

Confession #1088

You know, a compliment or two would go a hell of a long way. I'm not talking about gushing or being ridiculous, but SOMETHING - "hey honey, you look really nice" or the occasional "I think you are beautiful". I don't need tons of verbal reassurance, but damn, it would be really good to hear it every once in a while FROM YOU.

Because when the guy at work says it, I light up inside. Thats how I know I miss it, but you say its silly and you shouldn't need to say those things, I should just KNOW them. Still, a girl likes to hear it once in a while.

Confession #1089

From one Mom to another:

Your son's got a drug addiction and he's been trying to sell his wares to the neighbor kids. You don't seem to care. But it KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT. I wonder what he'll be inhaling, sniffing, or injecting when he's 17, 18 and older. We've already been a victim of his drug problems. And it keeps me awake at night wondering what else he'll try to steal from us in the future.... He has no conscious nor compassion. Looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Confession #1090

It was me who was home with our new baby waiting for you. It was me up late every night so we could see each other. It was me trying so hard to make things easier for you because you were "stressed out from work."

It was you who had a sudden interest in working out everyday. It was you who wanted to shop for clothes. You even showered me and the baby with things. We had family days and took the baby to the beach and the zoo. It was going so well.

I believe you when you say you didn't sleep with her. Perhaps you just hadn't had the chance yet. But you know what? It would have been easier if you had. I would rather you had slept with her, but it was her you were calling every night on your way home from work. It was her that was watching you at your games. It was her you called before you left for your business trips. It was her that would completely change what you stand for.

It was you who held my hands and looked me in the eyes and lied. Over and over you lied. I was overreacting and I didn't understand; it was no big deal; you two are just friends. Even if you didn't sleep with her, you're a liar and a cheat; you're not the person I married.

My confession is that I'm the one who made the mistake. I should've left you then. Because now, two years later, I still can't trust you. You're not my safe place. You're supposed to the one man that's never lied to me. And every time you open your mouth, I question it; the sincerity, the look in your eye. Everyone who knows you says that you're the most honest, stand-up guy they know; they haven't got a clue. And I'm not telling, because now, our baby is little girl who loves her daddy more than anything. And as much as you've let me down, I know you won't let her down.

12 comments:

strongerthanyouknow said...

#1083
Please, please leave this man before it gets worse. You are obviously a very capable, hard-working, strong woman. You don't need his abuse. And it is absolutely abuse. You deserve better. Find a support group or call an abuse hotline to find out about your options and help that is available.

Anonymous said...

1083:
I have lived your life. And now that im on the other side of it, i wish i could grab your hand and pull you out too. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You are a beatiful strong woman. It always only gets worse. I am only 3 months out of my relationship from hell, but the relief i feel is palpable. its hard, with 2 kids, but worth it. My time is my time again, the dread and anxiety that lived in my stomach for 5 years is gone. I can breathe. I can walk around with my head up and not be afraid that if i say hello to someone, i will pay dearly for it. i am ME again, a vibrant social woman. Sometimes i used to think it would be easier if he just beat the hell outta me, cause then i wouldn't be able to rationalize the abuse away. But it is abuse. He's killing you slowly. If you can, get out....theres a better life out there

Anonymous said...

1083 -

You have described my life. What a bunch of crap that we both have put up with. I'll tell you what....after one horrible weekend where I was left in a hotel room so he could go out drinking, I left him. I took the kids and went to my parents house. FOr a couple of weeks we lived on friends and my family's floor.

We've tried counseling and he says exactly what the counselor wants to hear. When we leave he calls me on the phone and badgers me until I cry. We were supposed to go out on a weekly date, either he's too busy or stressed or when we get out he makes me cry by saying things like I am boring or saying that it is acceptable to provide me constructive criticism. (NO - IT IS ABUSE)

It has been a hard road, but I have been gone for 90 days. I so don't belive in divorce. My parents have been together for 40 years. My brother has been married for 17 years. However, each time I get closer to divorce I feel a huge sense of relief.

Anonymous said...

#1090

He slept with her.
Leave. It seems a lot harder when you're just comtemplating it, but you can do it. You'll be so much happier.

Anonymous said...

#1090,

How do you know he won't let your little girl down?

I don't want to chip away at what you still have ... but I'm afraid that if you stay just to give your daughter access to him, he'll do to her what he's done to you.

Anonymous said...

1090 -
I stayed for my son, because I thought that was what was best for him. But as time went on I was the one who continued to suffer. To question and doubt every word out of his mouth is no way to live. I couldn't take it anymore. Our divorce will be final in 34 days. Life does go on, it's hard, we miss him, but in the end my happiness is just as important as my son's.

Anonymous said...

1090: I don't know whether you should stay or go, but I do think this: Unfortunately, by letting *you* down, he has already let her down. If she doesn't know that yet, she probably will eventually--even if you don't tell her. Kids are walking antennae, it seems.

Anonymous said...

#1083
If we fail, I'm never, ever going to be in a
relationship again.

The relationship you describe is a failure, because it is a one-way street.

Anonymous said...

Your children learn about relationships at home. What they see there is what they grow up thinking is "the norm". They don't learn it at school, or at their friend's house, they learn it at home.

Is this the relationship you want your child to have when he/she is an adult? Because if they grow up thinking this is the way a marriage should be, that is what they will end up with.

If you won't get out for you, do it for them. Having a normal one parent household is infinitely better than having an abusive two parent one. Because that is what they will learn, that is what they will seek out, that is what THEY will live if you continue to expose them to it.

Do it for your kids. No matter how well he treats the kids, they are seeing and learning about the way he is treating YOU. And that will scar their relationships for a lifetime. And I hope you don't want that for your children.

Get out, show your children that they are better than that, that they deserve a mom who gets respect...and ultimately that is what they will demand from their partner.

Anonymous said...

1088 - Please know that you're not the only one living this way. Sometimes I just want to cry because I'd give anything to hear, "You look beautiful." I'd always taken that for granted in my other relationships (it would even get on my nerves at times!), until I married a man who never does it.

Of course, then I get mad at myself for needing to hear that so bad.

CheekyMonkey1973 said...

You're all a bunch of slimy skanks. Shut up and realize how much your husbands are kissing your unworthy fat asses for a negligible amount of mediocre pussy.

Anonymous said...

Cheeky, I'm ashamed that you live in my country. But at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that you're single, and always will be. No woman worth her salt will put up with a man like you. Enjoy your loneliness- you've earned it.