The other day, when I told you I was too sick to get out of bed? Well, I was sick, but I really just wanted to stay in bed. How does it feel to run your ass off all day?
I love you more than anything. And I am happy that you have a new job that you love. I know that things will calm down when your restaurant opens and I know that these long hours are only temporary. I know that everything will be worth it.
But I am so fucking lonely. I feel like I have a part time husband. I miss you. It doesn't help that when you are home you are talking about work, drinking, or so exhausted that you are a zombie.
I am at the point that if an opportunity came up (and I know that it won't), I would probably cheat on you. Just to have the emotional connection to someone again. Just to feel loved and desired, and to have someone look at me in that way. And just so that I could touch someone without him pushing my hand away.
You do not know that I used to carve bloody trails in my arms with razorblades. When the canyons started to heal, I'd scratch them open again. I'd never heard of self-injury; I thought I'd invented it. When I realized it wasn't an option for me any more, I wept in public. You don't know this.
You don't know the joy I felt with another woman's pubic hair scratching my chin.
You don't know that one of my most consuming orgasms came from anal sex with someone who repelled me. Another came when I was chained up and every time I moved in response to her lips, the chains clinked. The sound tipped me over the cliff.
You have no curiosity about these things. How can you have no curiosity? How can you possibly not want to know, even when I try to tell you?
You do not know that when I was 18 I carved canyons into my arms and scratched them open week after week to keep them from healing.
You do not know that two of my most intense orgasms came when I was chained up with a woman tasting me, and during anal sex with a man I loathe.
You do not know how close I've been to suicide how many times, and you do not know how antidepressants have given me my life back.
I've tried to tell you these things and you aren't interested enough to listen. How can you not want to know? If you said anything to me like I've said to you, I would put down whatever I was doing and come sit knee to knee with you and hold your hands until you were finished telling me. But when I've tried to tell you, you just stare past me. How is it possible?
You suck! You brag about all the jewelry, clothes and big ticket items you bought your ex wife for her birthday, Christmas, valentines day, etc. What did I get? After 9 months together, first you couldn't remember my birthday, although it conveniently fell on a holiday this year. I got a last minute gift of a whatever was on sale at Hallmark. At least I did get a card. That made it seem less crappy I guess. I don't expect big expensive gifts, but when you bring it in and say its nothing fancy, I just stopped and got it on my way here, it makes me feel like crap. I would rather have had dinner and a movie than a last minute thoughtless gift that you made me feel like you had to put yourself out on.
I don't need or want fancy stuff, but for god's sake don't call me the night before my birthday and ask if tomorrow is my birthday and then proceed to tell me that you didn't get me anything. It makes me feel like crap that you can't even take 5 minutes out to find something special for me. I just wanted you to remember and make it a little special. I haven't had anyone make my birthday special in YEARS! I guess I expect too much from you.
When you told me that I was fatter than most women that you have dated and that I was much more bigger than the woman you married, well what can I say....
You ripped my heart out and stepped all over ever insecurity that I have.
May I bring it to your attention that you are shorter than most men that I have dated and are about a foot shorter than the man I married. For the love of God, I could eat soup off the top of your head with out to much effort.
If there is someplace else you need to be, I would suggest you get there because I have had enough!!!!!!
Go be with the woman who smarter, who understands your passion about the water, and who is skinnier than I could ever be.
I'm done.....it's time to be ME!!!!!!!
Here we go again. Another holiday season with all of your fucked up ex's to deal with. Why is it so hard to schedule things with the kids. Nothing has changed. Why do we have to battle over a simple family meal every year!!! Grab your balls and tell these women that you want to enjoy some time with your kids. While your at it tell the second ex(not wife - just girlfriend for 1 year) to get her own damn family to make miserable- stop using yours.
Or if you feel like the discussion is not worth it- then shut the hell up. Your not going to be assertive with them for the benefit of the kids over a few measly hours then tell me so I can quite caring.
I hate it when you are spineless.
Why won't you propose already? I know you love me, but it hurts that it's been six years and you keep putting it off. You have told everyone we know that you want to marry me and you've told me many times, but actions speak louder than words. I can't wait forever and I told you that fourteen months ago-how much longer should I wait?
Every holiday/birthday that goes by I get excited and then let down. I told you I never wanted to be one of those women that had to beg or give an ultimatum for marriage, but I have inevitably become one.
I hate that I have to ask my grandfather if we can sleep in the same bed when we visit, it makes me feel like such a child. I hate that my sister and her husband have been married for 4 years and they've only been together 5 months longer than us.
I gave you my grandmother's ring almost 3 months ago and after our anniversary weekend last week when you didn't propose I came home and looked at the ring hoping that you had it in your bag and just got nervous, well it was exactly where I put it 3 months ago-with dust all over it.
It's really starting to affect my self-esteem, I catch myself saying things like 'why would he marry me-I'm boring or I've let myself go a little' I know this is unhealthy and I really don't need this added insecurity. You have no idea how close I am to leaving, I can't imagine my life without you, but every day that goes by I resent you a little more and respect myself a little less.
I love you, but if you don't stop pissing and moaning about the dog I'm going to strangle you. Leaving him outside in the cold rain for 2 hours until I got home from work is not cool. Especially when he spent those 2 hours rolling around in MUD! Yes, giving the dog a bath at 10 o'clock at night is just what I've been missing from the past two days of hell I've had. I should have made you give him the bath, but I was so mad that had you come near me when I was getting the tub ready, I would have drowned you.
Darling, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will always love you unconditionally.
But for chrissake, is it that hard to RINSE your dishes then PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER when you say you will? If I see one more greasy dish sitting out on the counter - just ABOVE the dishwasher - I'm going to upend it on your face while you're sleeping.
You want to marry me in January? We JUST started dating! I've barely gotten to know you and you act like we've been together, forever! You're wonderful and so supportive of my child but you're so obsessed with me it becomes a turn off. And then there's the porn that you can't live without. Your, "deal breaker". You want to be able to look at pictures and watch movies of 1,000's of women having SEX, totally naked yet you want to make sure that I don't look at ANY men when we're out. I'm not even remotely a flirt but it's a bit of a double standard...don't you think? You also want me to have a flat tummy. I'm in pretty good shape for a 40 yr old woman. I don't smoke or drink. Good with money and a devout Christian girl....yet you want that flat stomach. I had a BABY! I have arthritis in my BACK! You want a woman with a flat stomach because all you've done FOREVER is looked at airbrushed women in magazines! They aren't REAL! Most of them DON'T enjoy what they do! Wake up and smell the coffee.
Join reality. Unless you change, we have no future....go get a blow up doll.