Monday, November 20, 2006

True Wife Confessions 121Cribbage Victory!

Confession #1201

When you sit up doing who knows what on the computer all night, don't get hateful with me when I wake you up early because I have to be at work. If you would go to bed at a decent hour, you wouldn't feel so awful in the mornings, genius.

And also? When I am busting my tail trying to clean AND trying to watch our rambunctious (that's an understatement) 2 year old, and you just sit on the computer and watch TV....it makes me hate you a little more each time. I know you grew up with a nasty mother, but you are almost 30 now, AND you know how much it bothers me.....so WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD can you not clean up after yourself????? GROW UP ALREADY!

Other than that, I love you :)

Confession #1202

To my husband:

I hate you more than words can say. Our anniversary just passed and you didn't even acknowledge it. FUCK YOU!

I think you are crazy an never should have married you. I hate the way you look, the way you smell, everything. I wish a truck would run you over, and I hope you suffer terribly first. You are stupid and always were, which is why you'll never get anywhere in your job you loser.

I dream about meeting someone else who can be my companion, who I can talk to, who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I long to walk hand in hand with someone, to hug them without being immediately groped, to have an intelligent conversation with them. I want to be taken out to dinner and a movie, something you would never do you cheap bastard. And let me tell you something, if I ever meet him, I will be out that door in 5 minutes, and if you ever bother me again, I hope he beats the crap out of you.

Confession #1203

It's day three of you not talking to me, ignoring the kids and basically pouting. You know what? I'm not caving. I know it's childish- but you're being childish too. Whatever. I don't know how else to make my point to you. The way you've been acting lately? It' s.not.okay. But you won't listen until you know I'm mad.

Also, google history keeps a history of searches even when you delete them from the computer. I saw the search for bang my wife please. I know you went there. What the hell were you thinking??

Confession #1204

You seem to have changed your ways after four years of being kind of a douche bag. You are still drinking too much and wetting the bed sometimes, but you've been being patient and loving with me after years of blowing your stack at me on the slightest of pretexts. You actually stood up for me (for the first time in the almost 10 years we've been married) to your wacko mother when she insulted me for the umpty-umpth time. I am starting to consider you an emotional refuge again instead of just another source of tension in my life. This is huge.

Alas, I consummated the emotional affair I embarked on nine months ago two weeks after you stopped being a douche bag. Two wrongs totally do not make a right - now I'm having panic attacks and I know it's my conscience rearing up. I am never going to tell you about this but it's eating me up inside.


Confession #1205

I called you a prick because you refuse to acknowledge ME, MY FEELINGS, MY EMAILS, and the CD I sent you because I was feeling SO BAD FOR YOU! And I can't believe that you are so cold and unfeeling that it doesn't bother you in the slightest that by doing this, you continually hurt my feelings...that's why I called you a prick!


Confession #1206

Sometimes I am just too damn tired to clean up before you get home. I see you roll your eyes at me, as you look around. But I can't do everything, I just can't.

Confession #1207

Stop using me as an excuse because you don't want to hang out with your friends. I could care less if you spend a weekend with them. Telling them that you have to be around to help me out makes me want to fall over laughing...or that I am sick, or that the kiddo is sick. How about this: "No thanks, I'm busy."

What's the worst they will say? That you're pussy whipped? Please, their old bachelor asses WISH someone would pussy whip them, but they are all still too juvenile to be attractive to any adult women.

Confession #1208

When you want to, you can make me laugh so hard. I wish you would want to more. I miss that.

Confession #1209

I want to congratulate you on picking up on the fact that I needed a break from our child and booking her for a playdate tomorrow, which YOU will be taking her to. I know that you feel a little nervous about hanging out with the moms, but I also know that you are doing this for me so I can have a little slice of peace.

Confession #1210

Why do we play this game? Why do we do the dance of "Who will call for the (fill in the blank)"? Its everything...Doctors appointments, hair cuts, birthday party rsvps, pizza...You name it. You try to hand me the phone. I didn't see "Event Scheduler" included in my wedding vows. THEN, you try to get me to go and pick up the pizza you have gotten me to order?!?!?

What is up with the pathological fear of the phone? Plus, I hate calling to order food for you cause you keep changing your order and I feel like an asshole as I repeat word for word what you are saying to the person on the other end.

10 comments:

mex said...

LOL.. 1210.. We all play +that game+

One you've been married 31 some +odd+ years, the roles (of who makes appts, who grocery shops, etc etc) become more established.. But a little word of caution....

Don't, say, start emptying the litter box for a week or so.. Just to be Nice.. cuz if you do something 2+ times, then that becomes "your" chore

Also, when preggers- that's a good time to get rid of some of "yr" chores.. cuz you can claim the gyno tole you you could Not touch a plunger, or "Comet" (cleaner)...

So the more bambinos you have, the more tasks +he+ can inherit..

SL

mex said...

LOL.. 1210.. We all play +that game+

Once (edited above) you've been married 31 some +odd+ years, the roles (of who makes appts, who grocery shops, etc etc) become more established.. But a little word of caution....

Don't, say, start emptying the litter box for a week or so.. Just to be Nice.. cuz if you do something 2+ times, then that becomes "your" chore

Also, when preggers- that's a good time to get rid of some of "yr" chores.. cuz you can claim the gyno tole you you could Not touch a plunger, or "Comet" (cleaner)...

So the more bambinos you have, the more tasks +he+ can inherit..

SL

Anonymous said...

1204: He's come around because you've finally stepped out. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Keep having the affair and your husband will make you a very happy woman.

Anonymous said...

Um...she said she "stepped out" AFTER he started treating her better.

Anonymous said...

oh that's right! Having an affair si good for a marriage!

PLEASE.

Anonymous said...

12:10 I don't understand your comment. Is that sarcasm? I hope so, because otherwise that is some screwed up advice.

Anonymous said...

#1202 - wow, who knew my husband had another wife!

Anonymous said...

1210

I feel your pain. I get it because he's too busy at work to call & make appts. Yeah...

So when the phone rings, I'm usually too "busy" to pick it up when he's at home. :)

Anonymous said...

1206-dont be so hard on yourself. a cluttered home is a sign of a healthy home.
just ask my man.

Anonymous said...

Ok I'll admit it emotional affairs are wonderful for a marriage. But be very careful.