Saturday, November 04, 2006

True Wife Confession 111 - the age at which Bilbo Baggins left the Shire

Confession #1101

You say that you love me, but that you don't love me the way a husband should love a wife. You say you are broken and ask me to give you time to figure things out.

I've tried hard to be patient and do whatever I can to help you, but I am running out of gas. I feel empty, alone, and unloved.

I still love you and I am torn between doing whatever it takes to help you and taking care of myself and making sure that I don't get damaged further.

I just know I can't go on much longer like we are. You do nothing more than hug me. You do not kiss me or say "I love you" anymore. I feel like I am reduced to the position of live-in nanny/maid at our house--sleeping in the guest room for the past two weeks.

How much longer is it fair for me to endure this? How much longer until I make myself a priority? This may be working for you, but it is not working for me.

Confession #1102

I just cooked the driest turkey EVER (I really didn't want to kill us with undercooked meat, and we don't have a kitchen thermometer). And I was completely guessing at the gravy (first time I've made it at all), and it came out so lumpy (at least it tasted right)! And yet, you ate it all, cleaned your plate, all the while saying, "Mm, Baby, this is SO GOOD." Thank you for making me feel good about myself after a stressful day for both of us, and making me feel confident in one of the few areas we both enjoy (we have such divergent interests), and that you know is really important to me to be good at. I didn't even mind cleaning up after I cooked tonight. (Here's another confession: I usually hate it. I wish you'd volunteer to clean up more.) (Tonight you DID volunteer! And I said NO! Because I was so blown away that you were being so considerate, even after our stressful day.) I can't wait to get married in September. God I love you.

Confession #1103

I'll never forget when you yelled at me over the phone. The words, "fucking die," will always haunt me of how you really feel. I think you should go find someone who makes you happy. Obviously, being married to you doesn't exactly thrill me at all, anymore

Confession #1104

I have always wanted to tell you this. Your breath stinks and you you have horribly skinny legs. When you stand in front of me and THINK you are sexy......well you are not.
Your legs look like sticks and you are bald. But I love you anyways

Confession #1104

He broke my heart 12 years ago and now he's back. He says he will go to the
ends for the earth for me. I know that you love me to an extent but would
you go that far? Doubtful. He uses words such as "I'm so full of you, My
heart thumps so loudly in my chest when you are thought of", all I get from
you is "Your so full of it". I'm a strong person I know I can make it on my
own with 2 kids, not a doubt in my mind really, but would you let me leave?
or would you try to take away my kids for your own personal selfish reasons,
I know your mother would. She's an evil witchy woman of the worst kind.
Only time will tell.

Confession #1105

Telling me what a great father you could be AFTER convincing me that an
abortion was our ONLY option really fucking hurt. It was beyond
insensitive. Telling me you would have taken me to the doctor's after I
went by myself wasn't so great either. Finding out that the reason you
abandoned me while I was pregnant was that you were seeing an 18 YEAR
OLD GIRL hurt me more than you can imagine.

I am so thankful that neither myself or a child will be stuck with you
for the rest of our lives. But I will never ever forgive you for making
me give up on the one person I know I could have loved. I gave up
everything for you, for us. I did everything you asked. How could you?
Every word out of your mouth has been a lie. You broke every promise
you ever made to me.

The sad part is, after all you've put me through, I still love you.
Well, I don't love YOU, I love who you used to be. I love the man who
sent me flowers at work and held the door and brought coffee to the
office on his days off. I miss the terribly sweet, romantic, loving man
that I gave my life to. You are not that man anymore, and I hate you
for it.

Confession #1106

I think the reason I've gained about 20 pounds in the last 4 months is because I don't want to swap again. I know I agreed to it and liked it, but that's the problem- I liked it too much and I don't want to end up doing something stupid like doing it behind your back. I hate that I've gained the weight but I don't want to feel sexy... not to anyone but you. On the other hand I hate the weight and I miss the compliments and looks from other men. I guess I lack self control. I love you, husband.

Confession #1107

Does everyone have a certain 'someone' (obviously not their husband) that they day dream about a bit too frequently and would so like to act upon it, but don't ??? Because in the six years that I have been married, I have ALWAYS had crushes on different men at different times. Even when the marriage is going well.

Well, now I know that I can act on my current crush if I want. And people, I DO need to have some great sex. I know that the reality is it probably wouldn't be as incredible as I imagine it could be...but I sooo want to.

I try, I really have tried to make my husband better in bed. But, he is a SELFISH lover. He couldn't care less whether I come or not. Says he does, but never does anything about it. I do everything. He complains that we don't do it enough, but he actually never initiates it anymore. He watches way too much porn, and I think he thinks that that is how you are supposed to fuck someone. That I am going to have some huge orgasm by blowing him or something. Have tried explaining the term FAKE ORGASM, and that these women are acting (uh-hem). But, he just doesn't get it - and obviously does not get it, because I fake it all the time.

I know that if I act on this, it could all end in tears. I don't want to fall in love with anyone else, and I do want to be married (mostly) to my husband. But the most of the time, the sex is just not good. And there is only so much a vibrator can do, right?

I feel very guilty even writing this. But saying that, am I seriously going to have not even semi-good sex with this man for the rest of my life??????????

Confession #1108

I know we said we weren't buying Christmas presents for each other
this year. We're traveling for family and spending for them, and we
need to be wise monetarily. I know that. But even if you usually
take 2 years to pick out whatever lotion or other object from a kiosk
in the mall that you think I'll enjoy, I like your presents the most.
You really care about picking them out. I secretly hope you get me
one anyway.


Confession #1109

I love my husband more than anything in the world, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something. I think about past relationships and think, what if. I would never tell my husband this, I would never want to hurt him, but I want to know what I missed. I won't risk it now because I have a family and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Confession #1110

Do you know what dear husband? I'm so sick of you using your back injury as
an excuse to not do things. Well, things that *I* need you to do. It hurts
so bad, you just had to sleep all day. But the next day, you are up and out
of the house right behind me to go hunting or whatever. NOT FAIR.

You wonder why I get pissed off when you go away for a few days, leaving me
with all the housework, childcare, etc.? Have you ever thought that maybe
*I* would like a day or two away, with no responsibilities? But that's not
possible, because unlike you, I have to get my tired, cranky ass up every
day and go to work. To a job I absolutely hate. Why is it too much to ask
to have you help me get our son ready, so I'm not late for work every day.

Also, when you say you are going to the store for something, and I say, ok,
there's XX amount of money, and you come home and say you spent twice that
much, regardless of what you bought, I'm allowed to be pissed off that you
fucked up my budget, AGAIN! Your compulsive shopping habits are driving me
absolutely insane. I'm sick and tired of being so fussy about money,
because you can't stop screwing the budget up. YOU FIGURE OUT BILLS on our
limited money, since you still aren't back to work. When was the last time
I bought myself something? HUH? A very long fucking time. Yet you always
go out and get whatever you want for yourself. NOT FAIR!

Deep down, I'm almost not afraid if you leave. I'm a bitch? Buddy, you
don't know how good you fricking have it. You will NEVER find someone else
to put up with the shit you put me through on a daily basis. Yes I may
overreact to some things, but you drive me to it, constantly.

I could go on, but what's the point. Nothing will change, even if you did
read this.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

#1107...Pick one crush, one night and one moment in time to have the fuck of your life. Then you'll have something to fantasize about when you go back to reality. May not be the politically correct advice but no one knows your life unless they have lived it. Life is mostly grey, not this wonderful black and white people like to make it.

Anonymous said...

1110:

Leave.

Anonymous said...

1102:

i'm jealous. you are a lucky lady.

Anonymous said...

All these comments are numbered wrong.

1110 - yes, leave.

Anonymous said...

Oops. No they aren't. My bad.

Khali said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

1101

Sounds to me like he's done. He's using you now and it's just hurting you to stick around. Whatever was there before isn't there anymore and unless he finds it damn quick there's no point in you putting yourself through all that crap

Anonymous said...

#1107.... you're definitely not alone. I've been married 8 years and still get crushes on other guys. I don't really get the urge to act on them, and I really don't know why I even get the crushes, but they are there. I'm not proud that I feel that way, but hey-- we're only human. I do know I'd be pretty mad if I found out my husband had similar feelings for other women though! lol!!!

Anonymous said...

#1107 - Crushes are normal. You're married, not dead and there are plenty of attractive nice guys out there who are fun to look at or flirt with. You're not doing anything wrong by having a harmless crush. We're responsible adults who know better than to act on every primal urge we have.

My husband and I discuss our current crushes all the time. It's fun and keeps things interesting.

Anonymous said...

1107, I just wanted you to know that you are SO not alone. I just finished watching a movie that brought back memories of an old crush, well, maybe more than just a crush, but in any case I sit here feeling all alone and haunted by the memories. My Dh and I have no sexual chemistry whatsoever. He thinks sex is all about talking dirty and basically just fucking. We never made love, EVER. I think its from all the porn he watches. Either way, we havent had sex since July 4th b/c I just cant give myself to him like that anymore, it makes me sick just thinking about it. It's always been about him getting off, even after i tried to tell him what I need from him. Life's too short. I know people here will judge this, but I agree with the first responder here. It's all grey. We all need to feel alive, even if its momentary.

Anonymous said...

#1107 - I know how you feel. Crushes are normal and healthy. Acting on them is dangerous though, I know because I've done it (am doing it). I think I thought that if we hooked up and had sex I would get it out of my system. Unfortunately, that backfired on me (and him) because all we want is more. And in someways it's worse for us because we liked each other so well before any of this ever happened, now everything just seems maginfied. So, be careful, and know for sure that this is a check you really want to cash because once you do there's no going back.

2:21 has the right of it.