Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Let's play a game....

In the spirit of the almost holidays, I decree we all need to laugh a bit more.

I started this on I am Doing the Best I Can, and it still makes me laugh every time I read them. As I am in the midst of finals, I need to laugh, Friends. Else I will be digging a nest into the Education library and hibernating for the next several months.

Yes, the moments during a budding "relationship" when you know it is D-O-N-E. Of course, alot of the ones I detailed on my blog were the moments during sex when the guy Lost me. Just Lost me. You know, smacking your ass at the WRONG moment. Or being too "Toothy". Or wearing socks. Or the guy who told me over drinks how he needed to have a great blow job in which the woman swallowed in order to have a truly satisfying sexual experience. Thanks for the info, Next!

Soooooo, Friends, Romans, Countrywomen (and men too - I know you are out there reading), Lend me your tales of doom.


Anonymous said...

What fun! Let's see...

There was the guy who was so small he apologized afterward by saying, "I'm sorry I'm hung like a squirrel." Poor fellow, he didn't know he was hung like an ant.

Then there was the boy who slapped my ass and actually said, "Whose pussy is this?" Hysterical laughter ensued.

I can't forget the boy who should have made porn. He never did get that monster in me.

The boy who couldn't wait. I swear his pants hit the floor and it was over. No, I never called him back.

The boy who announced during the act that he wasn't planning to call me back. I answered by saying, "Thank Gob, cause I had no intention of calling you either!" He called me every day for six months. I had to have my number changed.

The asshole who decided to announce he was married...during the act.

The one who was so drunk he didn't realize that he can't shove his dick down someone's throat without repercussions. Yeah, I barfed on him.

The one who was a virgin. Bad ladies. Just BAD. Poor boy had no self control. Is it technically sex if it doesn’t last 30 seconds?

Wendee said...

I went on a date with this guy I met at work (not a co-worker, thank God) -- first date. He was taking me to his friend's birthday party. What he neglected to tell me was that it was a swinger party. After we had some fun in the hot tub, he stood up... the only thing I could think at the time was "old balls" (like in Big Daddy with Adam Sandler). I asked him to take me home, and when he asked if we could go out again I said No & wouldn't let him kiss me on the mouth.
From then on the girls at work & I affectionately named him "OB".
What kinda guy takes a first date to a Swinger party? LOL.

Anonymous said...

A game!!! YEAH!!!

Ok so the guy who started calling me by my best friends name! LOL He obviously wanted her not me, I was a stand in!

The guy who never made it further than touching my silky panties! lol Fetish of his!

The guy who bit me. He would bite me and then growl. Yah, can you say obedient school?

The guy who asked me to put on red lipstick so that he would have a ring around his penis! LMAO He was fun!! lol

The one who insisted on cuming on his sheets and leaving me to sleep in the wet spot! Needless to say, I made my exit before I got stuck to the sheets! LMAO

The one who that said anal sex never hurt. Yah right, I think I hurt him pretty bad afterwards! he may still be limping from the pain I caused him.

Anonymous said...

I was seventeen. And extremely shy. And covered with acne. And this guy and I were kissing, and he started kissing my neck, and then he snuck his hand up and unbuttoned my shirt, and I was so afraid that he'd be grossed out by the acne on my chest that I said "I'm, erm, breaking out there," and he gave me this dazzling smile and said "Zits on your tits!"

You couldn't pay me to be seventeen again. He, on the other hand, probably still is.

Anonymous said...

Ok, you want a guy's input?

How about the girl that pushed me away, and out of her, whenever I started breathing a little heavy. No, I wasn't about to finish, I putting a little effort into it, and this was *well* beyond the dreaded '30 seconds' that I've been reading so much about.

No, we never got together again.

Anonymous said...

We were doing it doggy style when his cat crawled between his legs, under me and stuck his face up to mine to be petted.

I started laughing, he started laughing and he said "I know there's a pussy joke there somewhere but I can't think of what it is." We gave up and just went to sleep.

Anonymous said...

During my first time, the guy asked me who my daddy was. That was an instant mood killer for me, so I thought I'd return the favor by replying with my father's name.

I was with a guy who tried to wear a Magnum condom even though it was obviously too big for him. When it kept slipping off, he blamed it on me being "too wet." He also had bad breath and when I dumped him the day before my birthday and he told me he planned on going down on me on my birthday, I felt I had made the right decision just in time.

Then there was the guy who always wore sweat pants when I came over so that he could slide them down easily without actually taking off his pants.

Then there was the guy who would come to fast and jump up and hide in the bathroom because he was embarrassed.

Then there was the guy who constantly tried to take off the condom mid-coitus when he thought I wasn't looking.

Then there was the guy who was too big and pretty rough who would grind his pubic hair into my crotch.

Anonymous said...

I had been dating a guy my junior year of college. I think we'd been dating maybe 3 or 4 weeks and one evening, the relationship was connsumated. One of the "moves" of the evening was, to put it bluntly, tit fucking.

So, I go home later that night and jump in the shower. It might be 2 or 3 in the morning. I look down on my breast and see something that looks like a dot. I try to wash it off. It doesn't move. I get closer to look at the mysterious dark spot on my boob.

Holy FUCK -it's a bug. It looks like a TICK! I dig it out and run to my best friends room and wake her ass up to look at this, cause now I am freaking out. She sadly has the job of informing me that it was a "crab". I run back to the shower and shave EVERYTHING in the pubic region. I am flipping out.

But wait, it gets better. After I calm down, I decide to be a responsible sexual partner, so after a few days, I call him and say "I believe you may have crabs, as I found them on me and you are the only sexual partner I've had in the last 6 months". He had the BALLS to tell me that he didn't know what I was talking about. He also had the Balls to try and call me a couple times afterwards. As fucking if!

Dawn said...

Yes - Guys can share too - I know all women aren't fabulous sexual partners - Although murmuring "I want to come on yout tits" from behind in the heat of the action might get you a "WHAT?" - but only cause I really didn't hear you -

Maybe. Just saying...

Anonymous said...

There was the boyfriend who got drunk at his best friend's wedding reception and puked (in the toilet, Thank G-d) as soon as I got him back to my apartment. We were just out of college and he still lived with his super-religious parents. I couldn't take him home in that condition so I let him stay at my place, even though I was pretty tired of taking care of a drunk by that time. I went ahead to bed while he finished being sick and after awhile he crawled into bed with me. I expected him to pass out but instead he plastered himself to my back and started grinding his pelvis against my butt. Sublte, huh? I said no and told him to go to sleep. Then he started licking the back of my neck and I said "Oh, gross! You just spent half an hour in the bathroom throwing up and you didn't even brush your teeth. Get back on your side of the bed and GO TO SLEEP!" His response? "Oh, Baby, don't worry. It'll be great and I won't even kiss you." He slept on the couch that night.

Unknown said...

Oh Sweet God, these are hilarious.

I dated a guy who

1) Had a framed photograph of George Bush on the wall. The first one. Bill Clinton was in office at the time.

2) Had a framed photograph of "the members of Congress" on his wall. Could not identify anyone in the photograph.

3) When I asked for a drink said, "Sorry. I don't have anything." You don't have tap water?

4) Said, "I gotta go let some of this out." Went to the bathroom. Left the DOOR OPEN. Peed for an ungodly amount of time.

5) In his video/DVD rack? He had all of these free videos that you send off for. Like the Bowflex one and one for John Deere tractors. He didn't have any actual movies, just those free ones.

6) Told me he loved me. On the FIRST DATE.

Um. No. Never saw him again.

Anonymous said...

ohhhh how about the guy who, when he was just about to come, pulled out and came all over my chest. Not so bad until he started rubbing it in!
I was mortified, especially when I asked him why he did it he said "all the girls in the movies like it!!!


Anonymous said...

I was a virgin when I got married. Well, vaginal virgin. I had had oral sex with another guy (not my hubby). So, a coulple of weeks after getting married, when he is going down on me for the first time, suddenly his head pops up with the most disgusted, sticking his tongue out, looking-like-a-frog face. I felt gross, and rejected, and disappointed. I still miss the good oral, because he's never tried since, but everything else is good.

Unknown said...

OH! And I also dated this guy who was in the army. On the first date he said, "Do you want to know how I rate you?" I said, "Um. Whatever." He said, "I'd call you average to slightly above average." I said, "You want to know how I rate YOU?" Shockingly, he did not.

A few weeks later he told me he was sorry, but I was just "not the one." I said, "Um. Okay." Then a week later, he showed up on my doorstep WITH A DIAMOND RING. I said, "Um. WTF?" and he said, "Well, I don't love you or anything, but you do have those childbearing hips-"

I hope I didn't hurt him badly when I slammed the door on him. I know it hit his foot, but just a little.

Anonymous said...

These are the funniest stories ever! I am so glad it's not just me!
Several of us had snuck into a state park, me and this guy were getting it on a big rock, when out of no where a black cat jumped up on the rock right by head, we both jumped up and screamed and ran!Mortifying at the moment but now HILARIOUS! Come to find out many years later - at the time he was dating who turned out to be my best friend. Oops! Her and I got a huge laugh out of it!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, these are priceless.

When I was in my early twenties, and not making a lot of money, I said yes to a date with my old-ass opthomoligist ( I was hungry and wanted a nice dinner) He took me home, asked to come inside to use the bathroom, then asked me to walk on his back in my high heels. Gross old man!! I got another eye doctor after that.

One guy thought it was sooo sexy to shake his penis back and forth ( oh yes, what a turn on)

Anonymous said...

Recently, I was with a new "friend". He was younger than me, which is a rule I rarely break ( younger men have alot of enthusiasm, but not so much talent)

Anyway, things are going all right and he picks me up, and throws me on the bed. Still all good, right? He starts on down to eat at the "Y" and suddenly pops up and says "I can't! The Smell!"

as if I had a freaking year old tuna between my legs ( I took a shower not 2 hours before!!!) - Well, I was offended (to say the least)and loss my enthusiasm and desire real quick.

You'd think it was over, right? No. He then decides we need to "shower" - which - OK, I can do that. But it was when he took peppermint shower gel, put it on his fingers and inserted said fingers into my nether regions that the whole thing became story worthy.

Guys - peppermint shower gel? Stings like holy fucking hell. Not a turn on, in the least.

And either commit to the vagina, or don't but don't waffle. And don't expect any oral in return if you aren't "into" decent oral. Fair is Fair.

Anonymous said...


I go out on a date...The gentleman was really nice..And I learned years ago- dont do dinner or a movie. Do appetizers and a drink in the event the night sucks... Well after appetizers, and a sprite for *moi* cause I am on diet pills- He walks me to my car, we embrace in a nice kiss...He is thrilled...I am thrilled...*wink wink..We do the doo...The next day 7 hours later, he sends me an email telling me how wonderful -beautiful..blah blah blah..I am...And then the kisser... I am too fat for him, and unless I drop more weight, he wont be contacting me anymore... Well, after I cried my eyes out..I sent him an email that said....

"It's ok..I used you also for those 3 minutes just to feel a man versus my powertool.....If I would have known I was to fat for you after my clothes were off, I would have requested we met at a buffet bar."

PS... your dinkie doo was small.

Men...they aggrivate me...


Anonymous said...

I was on a blind date. We were driving to dinner. We passed a temple with a big menorah outside. I said "That's really pretty. It's lit up for Hanukkah." He put an earflap cap on his head, affected a German accent, and imitated a Nazi concentration camp guard.

Anonymous said...

And then there was the guy who told a rape joke on the first date. God, I'm glad I walked to *that* meeting. No way would I have gotten in his car after that.

Anonymous said...

I was at a party with some workmates and ended up in a dark corner kissing this guy. About 10 minutes or so into it he decided to tell me that he's been with a man before. Why did he think that would turn me on?

The next Monday at work he was telling everyone that we were dating. I told him to back off and he cornered me into the work kitchen demanding to know what was going on. I told him I wasn't interested and that the making out session was a mistake and that if kept harassing me that I'd get charges drawn up.

Next week he suddenly had a girlfriend he was moving in with.

Total loser.

Anonymous said...

Well, the socks thing is something I can relate to. One of my exs used to insist on leaving his socks on while doing it doggy style. There's really nothing like being on all fours, looking between your legs, and seeing the ugliest, scrawniest, hairiest legs between your own...with huge ass white tube socks. He's the one that made me have the rule with my husband now: no socks in bed. No matter what. They are forbidden.

Anonymous said...

Oh god, I need to add to the pile:

1. The random hook-up who kept saying "Do I make you horny, baby, do I?" a la Austin Powers. At first I let it go because I thought he was being ironic, but unfortunately after the 10th time I resigned myself to my fate.

2. A Valentine's Day date with a gorgeous artist (Imagine Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Depp's lovechild). We check into a motel and undress, begin the lover's embrace when...my hands hit oil. This guy had the worst case of back acne I have ever encountered. [shudder]

3. The guy who instead of whispering "sweet nothings" into my ear, would start telling these crazy stories involving Amazonian cannibals and other improbable scenarios.

4. The guy who thought cunnilingus involved sticking one's tongue out and nodding for 30 seconds.

MommyHeadache said...

Wendee...I had a date who took me to a swingers party too. Before we got there he just said that I might be surprised if some people started kissing each other at the party. I said, cool, I can handle that. Imagine my surprise when we got to the party and there was a mattress in the middle of the floor, sprinkled with sex toys and hand cuffs. Something told me that we wouldn't be playing Clue that night. I didn't care, but why couldn't he have been straight with me?

Anonymous said...

How about the 20-something guy who, until I helpfully informed him of the truth, thought that women only had two holes downstairs. He thought we peed and gave birth out of the same bodily exit.

Anonymous said...

I am fat. I once went to a chubby-chaser-type dance. I met up with a
very, very handsome guy whom I'd met on the internet. He wanted me to go
home with him that night, but I played it cool and made him wait. (Ok, I
went to his apartment the next day.) I was so excited to be having sex,
as it was the end of a dry spell for me. HOWEVER. He thought it was
sexy to say "You want me to f*ck your fat p*ssy? Yeah? Tell me. Tell me
you want me to f*ck your fat p*ssy." It horrifies me to admit I
complied, but not nearly as much as admitting that I went back for more,
with the silly hope that it wasn't a habit. No such luck, that was his
favorite phrase. After the second time I knew I wouldn't be back,
especially after he asked the most ridiculous question - "So, am I the
best you've ever had?" NO, asswipe, I think I've had better sex with my

Anonymous said...

All right - how bout the one whose package was so big that most positions were painful - so of course he wanted to twist me into every position he could think of - all the while I am desperately trying not to grimmace as he hits my cervix over and over.

And of course, he was determined to give me a vaginal orgasm, so the battering continued.

I'm not sure what movie guys have all watched that they think that going at it at a million miles an hour is a good idea, but the cervix is not a body part that likes to be "hit"

Anonymous said...

Or the one who announced
"Hope you don't mind hairy guys"
as he was disrobing.

He wasn't lying.

Anonymous said...

OOOOOh. I have one,

I briefly dated a marine biologist.

It was bad enough that the guy had Fish sheets. Yes, you read that correctly - sheets with fish on them. Pillowcases too.

Oh no, there is more. I arrive at his house and we make it into the bedroom (prior to my seeing the fish sheets) and he has porn on his bedroom television. I'm not opposed to porn, but it seemed a bit soon - that is when I saw the "set up" - Laid out on a little box was his bottles of lube, and his butt plugs. And a pair of latex gloves.

I'm pretty sure that was our last date.

M-M-M-Mishy said...

And here goes:

Once after a night of heavy drinking (I think it was his birthday or perhaps new years??) my bf and I start to go at it... both of us, completely wasted. Everything's fine, a little clumsy, but mostly going according to plan when he passes out on top of me. I'm a medium-build, but he was solid muscle and about 60lbs heavier than me. I spent over two hours trying to get him to wake up and get off of me. When he finally came to, both of my legs had fallen asleep and I couldn't move. Not sexy. In the end, I wasn't sad when we broke up. The sex sucked when he was sober as well.

I love this game!

Anonymous said...

About 15 years ago, in college, I was once involved with a guy who was the most unchivalrous man alive. This guy started as a platonic friend who I hooked up with one drunken nignt. We lived in the same dorm and his roomate was the nastiest human on the face of the earth. The roomate was lazy, sloppy, greasy, just gross. Roomate was supposed to be on some kind of church retreat so friend and I were getting busy in his room. We were both buck naked and we had kicked the bed covers onto the floor when we heard roomate's key in the door. Friend and I had already decided that it would be a disaster if our other friends found out about our hookup because then they would expect us to be a couple and we both were just horny as hell and not looking for a relationship so we had sworn each other to secrecy between the stripping and the heavy breathing. Well I don't know if friend was really that worried about the gossip or if he was just obeying an instinctive need to cover his own naughty-bits, but he grabbed the blanket off the floor and threw it over my head (yeah..that's where his naughty bits were) leaving my entire naked body exposed to McNasty. Lets just say that the position I was in gave roomate a very thorough view of what I had to offer.

Worst part? Somehow the roomate still recognized me. He would blush and run the other way every time he saw me for about a month. Then he finally admitted to me that I was the first naked woman he had ever seen in real life and since things hadn't worked out with friend maybe I would want to come visit HIM sometime, because he really liked what he saw!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't know what possessed me, but I once dated a guy who used to say "Mee-YOW" in bed. A lot. Whenever he did something he THOUGHT I liked. He was big on dirty talking as Kermit or Miss Piggy too. Freak!

Anonymous said...

Wow. So much bad sex!

There was the one guy who was such a fussbudget that he left me sitting in a restaurant, alone, because he refused to sit in a breeze (it was about 70 degrees and he had a dread fear of colds) and I refused to move. We had already moved tables once.

There was the guy who had left his wife and we were seeing each other. He got back together with his wife and said "But we can still see each other, right?" Wrong.

I had a one-night stand with a guy who called me up like a year later. It wasn't bad the first time so I did it again. It turns out in the interim, he had gotten a stockbroker job. He said "Do you like me more now that I have money?" Uh, no. Get out for thinking that I would.

The guy who was so concerned that I didn't have orgasms with him. He had a habit of talking about his sex life with whoever he met and I told him I wouldn't put up with him spilling my private life all over the place. My best friend came over and he started telling her how I never came. She said "Wow, she doesn't usually have that problem with other guys." Then she and I left, never to return.

Anonymous said...

These are so good!

Let's see...the guy with the TINY penis who got off when I would say "panties" or "naughty."

Or the one that was going down on me and then came up and his mouth was numb so he sounded like he had just had novacain...totally not his fault, but that image is burned into my brain to this day. That was our first and last time together.

Anonymous said...

9:02 - OMG! You just reminded me about the guy who purred like a cat (a really loud one)right before he came! What is up with that? Thank You. I have not thought about him in years and am now having a good giggle.

Anonymous said...

THEN theres the guy that is thrusting so hard that he is literally pushing you all the way up the bed, so that your head keeps hitting the head-board... but after that he keeps pulling you back down the bed and neglects to notice he literally has you pinned down by your hair with his hands... and then thinks that your 'OWs' are somehow an indicia of pleasure!

Anonymous said...

the guy with a tiny little penis that would shake violently and i mean violently after he came, and make all sorts of wierd noises while he shook and shuddered like a freakin madman....i mean come on, i know its good and all, but it was wierd. the 1st time (yes, there was more than once *hanging head in shame*) i seriously was like omg whats wrong??? i thought he was freakin having convulsions or something like epilespy, it was wierd. or the guy who INCESSANTLY asked me what i wanted and how like we were in a damn porno and im just like asshole, obviously i just want to be fucked, so shut the fuck up, do your job if you even have a clue how! oh, or the guy that totally called me out on my fake orgasm!! ooops. seriously he was humongous and i was getting tired of the cervix tap and wanted out damn it!

Anonymous said...

slightly off-topic, but... i dont really understand why there is this big taboo about men wearing socks in bed. I would MUCH rather have a guy wear socks in bed than to risk having his hairy, scaly, calloused, feet with long scratchy toenails touch me... maybe im just foot-phobic, but... socks are welcome in my bed!

Anonymous said...

Well, there was the one guy who said, "so, do you want me to come inside, on your face or what?' I guess he was being considerate, but I thought the offer of a facial was a bit premature, considering it was our first time together.
Then, there was the young man who would point to my breasts and yell "buttermilk!" and referred to my nether region as my "vajeje."
He is now a Christian missionary,btw.

Anonymous said...

About ten years ago, before I met my husband and just after college,
I ended a relationship with my second boyfriend ever! Everyone was
quick to point out that I had never dated around much. I was easily
turned off by little quirks and therefore never bothered to continue
a relationship once this happened. To me it's a waste of time. I
decided I would not only begin dating, but I would date more than one
guy at a time if I was asked to.

Shortly after making this decision a guy in my neighborhood asked me
out. I had met him before and we knew each other's names. We had had
several conversations at the pool the previous summer, so I knew he
was nice and funny and if it weren't for his slightly long nose he
would have been really hot! But I had decided to date around and the
slightly long nose was not going to be a factor. We went out, hit it
off. Great fun. He was a doctor! He drove a new 5 series BMW and
was very funny. He was nine years older than me which was kind of
refreshing because he was not all tits and beer like the guys my age
were. I agreed to continue seeing him. We went out a few more
times. Had a great time together and the nose was still a little
long, but this guy was such a great guy I felt shallow thinking about
it. Maybe this could work. I was not having romantic feelings for
him, but I was attracted to him now- even with the nose! I was so
surprised by this.

After about six weeks, we had been out to dinner one night and
stopped by my place to let my dog out on our way to a bar. He walked
in my house and as he stepped over the threshold of my door I heard
this sound. Like a loud, low creak. I wasn't sure what it was at
first. My dog had greeted us excitedly at the door, and my floor was
ceramic tile so I knew there was no wood to make that noise, but the
sound was quite loud. This all ran through my mind very quickly and
I was pretty much going to blow it off until he said "excuse me, I am
sorry, that slipped. It must have been the dinner"

He had farted...... I was mortified. I don't have brothers and my
family is a little uptight and so am I, about that at least. I
couldn't say a word. I think I blushed and I wanted to hit him
because I knew at that moment I would never see him again. We went
to the bar and met some of my friends and then went home. He called
several times over the next three weeks. I screened all his calls
and never spoke to him. I avoided him in the neighborhood- even
coming in from the other side of the complex!

I did not set eyes on him until I bumped into to him at one of my old
haunts about six months later. I never told him what happened.

Anonymous said...

In college, I REALLY liked this fellow - let's call him Bob. One night after we'd had a few great dates, I had to drop a friend at the airport, and while on the way home I got a phone call from Bob asking me to meet him and some friends at the bar. When I got there, Bob was really, really drunk. I offered to take him home. On the way home, he sat on the middle console of my truck, leaning on me. I thought, okay, he's just getting fresh - he's drunk. We got to his house, and I told him to have a good night. He wouldn't get out of the truck. I repeated, more firmly, good night. All of a sudden there was this terrible smell, and he was attempting to roll down the window, and he threw up, half in and half out of the truck. Oh. My. God. Now keep in mind, this is in Alaska, and it's the dead of winter. I got out of the truck, walked around to his side. I opened his door. I walked back around to the drivers side, got in, pulled my feet up in my seat, turned around toward him and literally pushed him out of my truck with my feet. He landed in the snowbank in his driveway. I pulled his door shut and took off - driving the whole way home with my windows down to freeze out the terrible smell, my knuckles white on the steering wheel. I found out later that his roommates rescued him shortly thereafter from the snowbank.

Later, he brought me flowers in class and said he was sorry. My response was, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

Anonymous said...

1:33, I am totally foot phobic as well, but I demand a certian amount of foot hygeine from my man. The feet you described would never be in my bed, with socks or without.

Everyone else here is talking about sex, but since we were invited to tell stories about the moment they "lost " us, I have a non-sexual foot-related tale to tell. In college I was flirting madly with this total hottie who was in my economics class. We always arrived at the same time and usually walked in the door together. He had this ruggedly handsome thing going on and when the weather was nice he would show up with his motorcycle helmet inder his arm. Sooooo hot. We always had something flirty to say to each other on our way to our seats and he had finally gotten around to the "are you seeing anyone?" stage when Spring arrived in all its glory and hottie showed up to class one lovely April day wearing sandals. He had the NASTIEST feet known to man. They were scaley, ashy (and he was a white guy), his toenails looked like he had just allowed them to be broken off by the inside of the toes of the hiking boots he had worn all winter instead of trimming them, and it may have been my imagination, but I am pretty sure there was visible toe jam. I shudder in horror even now. In that one day I went from big smiles and "when are you going to give me a ride on your motorcycle?" to looking at the floor (not his feet) and barely saying "hey, howya doing?" on my way in to class. I even started showing up later than usual to avoid him. He must have been wondering what the Hell happened.

Anonymous said...

Ok here is mine.
This guy was a really quiet guy untill...Right at the moment he started SCREAMING like someone is killing me screaming like a total girl screaming at the monster in a horror movie screaming!! Of course it was summer so my windows were open and it was in the afternoon so I KNOW the neighbors heard. I remember when he first started screaming I just froze like what the hell?? Then as he went on I just started hoping he would finish soon. I was horrified. Needless to say the first time was the last time with him.
Still cant believe it

Anonymous said...

Ok ladies, enlighten me. I seem to be the only guy posting here so far (yes, that's me up there), so I have to ask:

There's been at least 2 mentions of the cervix tap and how it doesn't seem to be something desireable.

Now, I'm realistic about my size, and I know I'm not huge, but reaching the cervix isn't a rare occurance for me either and none (or rather neither) of the women I was with when it happened complained in the least. In fact they seemed to really enjoy it, as did I.

This is one of those 'every woman is different' things, right?

Anonymous said...

i am one of the cervix tap women....i guess evryone is different, i dont know...but hell it makes me cringe just to think about it! ughhhhh maybe they really do like it, or maybe theyre just faking!

Anonymous said...

9:10, actually, I don't really mind the cervix "tap" in a hurts-so-good kind of way. However (way too much info. alert)I am tall (almost 6', if that has anything to do with anything) and I think my vagina is a bit longer than average. When I was pregnant with my daughter the nurses in the dr.'s office were never able to check my cervix because their fingers were not long enough. The doctor, who was a man, was the only one who could do it without hurting me. So maybe what is a "tap" for me would be a "bang" for someone else or maybe I have a bit of a masochistic streak (never thought so before) but I do think it is different for different women. When in doubt, ask. Most women would appreciate a man who is sensitive enough to do that.

Anonymous said...

This was the BEST IDEA EVER! Seriously I am laughing so hard I had to get my inhaler!

"so, do you want me to come inside, on your face or what?"
...Classic!! LOL

Keep 'em coming, I am forwarding this to my sister (Hi Sarah) she needs a laugh I know : )

Anonymous said...

My "lost me" moment is also non-sexual in nature.

I got married a year out of high school, and have been happily married for 16 years. Before that, I dated quite a bit in high school, starting at the age of 14 or 15. I had an older brother who was two years older, so I could go out without restriction as long as my brother had a date and we could double date.

I dated the same guy throughout most of my junior year in high school. Everywhere we went, I paid for everything...movies, dinner, mini golf, whatever. I had a great paying waitressing job, and my boyfriend didn't work. At first I didn't mind paying, but after awhile it started working my nerves. He would come to my job, sit at one of my booths all night, ordering food that I had to pay for. That cost me potential customers and not to mention the fact that the food wasn't cheap at this particular place. I tried to talk him in to getting a job working with me, but he wasn't "ready" for that.

Talking to him didn't work, so I started avoiding him. At one point a week went by and I wouldn't take his calls. Knowing I couldn't go on putting him off forever, I agreed to see him. I remember vividly what happened. I picked him up and drove to the gas station to get gas. I had just finished paying for the gas, and was fueling up. He rolled the window down and said,

"I knew you couldn't stay away from me forever. You just can't live without me, can you?"

I replaced the gas cap, drove him straight back home and said, "Get out." I never talked to him again. :) Boy, was THAT refreshing!

Anonymous said...

I dated Patchouli Guy. I finally couldn't take the cloud of Patchouli that surrounded him and had to end it.

Anonymous said...

A little Patchouli goes a LOOOOOONG way! Maybe he and my freshman year roomate found each other and are living hapily ever after in a house that no one will visit. 16 years later and I can still smell the Patchouli in my nightmares.

Anonymous said...

I do not enjoy the cervix tap. It feels like a freaking doctor's appointment, or a giant cramp. No sexual pleasure there.

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to think that I'm one of the few women out there who have only had one sexual partner. Granted, I married young (23) and I dated my husband for 3 years before we married. But still! Since when does dating = sex?? I dated other men before meeting my husband. Men I found very attractive. My husband and I did not wait until marriage, so it was not a religious thing. It was more of a "I respect my body" thing. I didn't have sex with my husband until we were dating for almost 2 years. By that time I was confident that we truly loved each other and it wasn't just lust. That way, even if we broke up, I wouldn't regret having sex with him because we truly loved each other. And waiting really let me see my husband's character. Sure he wanted to have sex. But he never pushed me, he never made me feel guilty. He truly respected my feelings. He was such a gentleman. I'm so glad I waited! I hope I can convince my daughter to wait for true love, too. It seems "booty calls" are the norm these days.

Anonymous said...

haha...wellllllllll good for you, truly not being sarcastic thats great for you. as for the rest of you....these "booty call" stories are freakin hilarious...keep em coming ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm also 23 and have had only one partner, who is my husband of almost 3 years. I was a virgin when I got married, but I did wait for reasons relating to my faith. Waiting is hard, but it was so worth it to know I'll be with the man I gave myself fully to for the rest of my life.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Look how well that turned out for Jessica Simpson.

Anonymous said...

I'm not Jessica Simpson, and I've also already been married longer than her. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

What's with the judging all of the sudden? I am truly happy for those women who have had only one sexual partner and are satisfied with that. I am also happy that I experienced other men before I met my husband. Some women may not feel the need to sow their wild oats, but I did and I am not ashamed of it. Since when does having more than one sex partner in life = a lack of respect for one's self and one's body? There is more than one way to live and still be an okay person.

Anonymous said...

I've also only had one partner--my husband of seven years. However, that doesn't stop me from laughing really, really hard at the 'adventures' of those who have had more than one. Your stories rock! (Plus, they make me realize how very lucky I am to have missed out on all the dating world). Hee hee.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the cervix tap thing. Well I wouldn't call it a tap, more of a beating. It's not uncomfortable if done properly, but the whole 100 miles an hour, especially from behind can be excruciating.

Speaking of beating though, I once hooked up with this guy and we were messing around, and he started fingering me in this horrible pounding way which felt more like being punched repeatedly in the crotch. He wanted me to come and was asking me if I had (total turnoff, I hate that), well I obviously hadn't and wasn't going to, but didn't have the heart to tell him he was hurting me, so I faked it...I think he could tell that I did, it's hard to fake ecstasy when you are in alot of pain. Things didn't progress to sex, and I left his place shortly after. I haven't seen him since.

Anonymous said...

Maybe miss priss with only one partner is truly jealous of these hilarious stories. Why else would she be judging? And might I add miss priss, you totally ruined the momentum here. Go somewhere else and judge.

Anonymous said...

I'm really picky, so my dealbreakers have happened long before reaching the bedroom.

There was the dude who turned out to have drug and alcohol problems who peed with the door open on our first or second date. Not cool. Then he left a message one night when I went out dancing with a friend wanting to know what/who my "love muffin" was doing that night.

Another time I had a blind date with an older and not particularly attractive man. Within 5 minutes he started going on about a costume party and this hot woman who wore lingerie as her costume. Umm...not a good way to impress on a first date. Then he wanted to know if I'd like to go to his kid's little league game later that week.

What's with the single dads trying to rush you into meeting their kids? I'm a mom, but if I was dating, I'd want to know the guy before letting him anywhere near my kid.

Anonymous said...

There was Mr. Nubbin' dick who tryed to screw my belly button.

Mr. Horsecock who was TOO proud of that scary thing. I think he actually had to roll it up to fit it inside his pants.

Mr. Toothey who liked to CHOMP, not nibble. Can anyone say bruises/teethmarks everywhere?

Mr. Ohmigod I'm soooo close, are you close, after approx. 15 seconds.

Mr. Role Playing guy would get so into his little fantasy, that 2 hours later (after being bound and gagged the entire time), I made a hasty retreat, without giving it up.

Or the best of all, my stalker of 7 years who actually believed he was charming me by wearing tights, yes TIGHTS under oh so short shorts and NO underwear... EWWWWWW

Anonymous said...

Well my friend told me this one..we were about fifteen at the time..her boyfriend and her started fooling around - he fingered her - but just stuck his finger up there and didn't move it or anything. Just kind of parked it there.

Anonymous said...

Mine was not a date but the guy tried to pick me up 30 seconds after I walked in to a bar to meet some friends.

He sat down next to me and told me how beautiful I was...yada yada yada....I thanked him and told him my husband would be proud as well. That did not stop Romeo from handing out more sexy come-on lines...."I can't stop looking at your tits" was the next thing out of his mouth. I looked at him horrified and told him his comments were very rude and asked him to leave.

Then he made some comment about how since moving to this town he noticed the women did not give good blowjobs - they were all teeth. I suggested he move back to where he came from and ask them to remove their teeth...problem solved.

By now I am signaling the manager and the bartender to have him removed when he reached into his pocket, popped some pill which I prayed was not Viagra and then he turned to me and said "You make my dick hard" I nearly fell off the stool laughing and I just finished my drink, kept laughing and walked out.

Seriously, did he think I was going to say "Ok baby, take me now" ????? What a creep!!!!

Anonymous said...

Cervix tap?!
WTF??? i am very sexually experienced, and have been with men of all sizes but dont think i have ever felt this, or even heard of it!
Sounds painful... glad i've managed to avoid it so far!

Anonymous said...

Moment it was over..

--great wonderful guy who thought kissing meant you licked the person on the face

--any man who looks hot in a renaissance costume probably doesn't out of it, 'nuff said

--guy who said his wife had given him permission to cheat on her. um, what is the definition of cheating again? duh.

--partially drunken fella at a party & I were getting busy, and he needed to visit the restroom.. ok, it happens sometimes. but he opened up the closet in the bedroom we were in and pissed all over some stranger's clothes. EWWWW.

--another nice guy that never even scored a date because his flirting style consisted solely of tickling. He thought he was tickling, but really he was just stabbing unsuspecting women in the ribs with his fingers. OW.

--I'd never thought there could be more than one guy out there who did a shake-yer-penis boogie. GAWD that was awful. If I never see that again as long as I live, I will rejoice.

As for waiting til marriage for sex. to each their own. Thank the Goddess we're not all forced to follow the same beliefs. ;)

Anonymous said...

I haven't had many relationships sp this list may be a little shorter than some of the other ones on here. So here goes!

Guy One was my high school sweetheart. We moved in together the summer after graduation. We never had sex; HE wanted to wait. He went on a trip to Mexico a few months later and I got home early the day before his flight arrived so that I could decorate for his homecoming. Long story short, in doing so, I walked in on him buck naked screwing a friend of mine. They totally both scrambled for covers and clothes while I just stood in the doorway and watched. Then he said - and I kid you not - "this isn't what it looks like, honey, we're doing the laundry." Yeah, in the nude. I snorted, laughed, and left.

Guy Two started his proposal out by saying "I know you'll say no, but..." Yeah, he really said that. Then he gave me the most beautiful diamond ring I've ever seen and said "I know you won't wear this after saying no, but..." What a weirdo.

jae said...

I knew 'Jon' was not the one when after dating a few times he expected me to have sex with him on a dingy couch in his basement with his parents upstairs right above us. When I refused he told me he would take me home and then just dumped me off on some side street where I didn't know where I was. I never talked to him again even though he worked with my best friend and I saw him often. What an ass. I'm always greatful he wasn't my first!!

Anonymous said...

I have full dentures (at the ripe old age of 32), and I'm generally up-front about it with men I'm dating. Well, a few months ago, I was hitting it off pretty well with a guy, and we started making out. He said "get those teeth out of there", and I did. He was so enthralled with the experience that he wanted me to take them out every time we kissed! Too much! I was done with him shortly after that.

Anonymous said...

This is actually a story on myself.

I put on lingerie and did a little hootchie-coo dance and got my dh all hot and bothered.

I'd forgotten to take my tampon out.


p.s. I'm a one partner woman too, that's my choice. It's not any of my business what anyone else wants to do with their lives and their bodies. You girls go!

Anonymous said...

I dated a guy I was so infatuated with I didn't notice the red flags stuck all over him -- unemployed, living with his parents at 36, no interest in furthering his education past high school, always putting himself down about all that stuff. He would also go on and on about how smart, and sexy and beautiful he thought I was. Then we had our first (and last!) night together. We were naked, and I was trying to engage him, touching him, kissing him, but he just LAY there, not letting me anywhere near his crotch. He sort of brushed his hands over me, but that was it, other than some really wet kissing.
Then he said "Johnny is a bit shy."
I realize the poor guy was probably nervous and embarrassed about being impotent, but him saying that almost made me retch. And maybe "Johnny" wouldn't have been so shy if he had actually attempted some foreplay!
Eww, eww, eww.

Anonymous said...

Re: Cervix Taps - if you can't hit bottom don't bother.

Anonymous said...

2:27: That reminds me of a friend (I swear it wasn't me) who was drunkenly fooling around with a mutual friend one night. He started fingering her, and then just stopped dead. It took her a couple of minutes to realize that he had passed out cold in the middle of things. She then had to manually extricate herself from the situation.

Anonymous said...

Okay, my experiance with the "Penis Tap". Tapping is okay, POUNDING it hurts! If a guy is way too endowed it's going to be very painful for the woman on her cervix. The cervix isn't part of our erogonous (sp) zone.
3:16- Isn't that shaking the penis so stupid? WTF? Yeah bud, real sexy. Like a kid with a toy. How do they think that's a turn-on to us??

Anonymous said...

Let's see...where to start...

First time ever...I was screaming in pain because he just pounded me into the bed for 60 seconds. Afterwards, he asked me, "Did you get it?" No dickhead. Pain for me isn't always good! He also told his wife when he married that he was a virgin...lemme run into her on a BAD DAY!

College love of my life would NOT commit to sex. He was afraid of me getting pregnant even though I was on the pill and we used condoms. We finally did after 6 months to which he called a couple of days later and said, "This is moving too fast for me. I need some time." After his "time" he only wanted to do me in the booty and would make me bleed and cry for days. I was heart-broken when we broke up. What was wrong with me?

My first husband actually fell asleep while I was on top and started snoring. MEN! If you are tired, just say so. He woke up and said..."Did I fall asleep?" Asshole.

Been with too many who were small and talked a BIG game. Honey, if I can't feel it, I can't even fake it.

As for the cervix tap...I don't like it just because to me, it takes my breath away and gives me such pain I would rather stop right then and scream in a pillow than continue. I like a lil pain once in a while but no thanks. Every woman has their own pleasures which is why sex is different with each of us.

I'm tired and I'm sure I'll post more when my memory comes back.

My husband did not have sex with his first wife until they were married. HER CHOICE! And she turned around and was cheating on him within a year. My sexual total is much higher than my husband's but he prefers me that way because he knows that when I told him I was ready to settle down and have kids, I really meant it and have no regrets. He is happy with the few he was with because he's never unsatisfied with me. TO EACH THEIR OWN! DO NOT JUDGE!

Anonymous said...

Ok ladies (yes, I'm back), let me clarify something. I didn't come up with the term 'cervix tap' I was repeating.

And all I meant was the occaisional brush, not banging it the whole time. That's what meant the women I was with liked. She would be spasming around me and hit me with it sometimes, too.

Anonymous said...

Can I just say I feel bad for the doctor who got dumped for farting. To each his own, but seriously, that kind of thing happens. Different that falling asleep while fingering me....

Anonymous said...

Seriously, how can you be married for ANY period of time and not fart in front of that other person. I seem to remember a big debate over this very thing in the comments of TWC somewhere. Beware, there are women out there who live in fantasy worlds and believe that passing gas is a crime. I agree, I feel kinda bad for the farting guy too.

Anonymous said...

...oh yeah, and the cervix pounding. Absolutely PAINFUL! Which makes it unacceptable to me. To each his own.

Gleepleglop said...

Mr. Suave rolled up in his aging Jetta to pick me up, but the handle to the passenger-side door didn't work. In fact, the door was tied shut with a length of clothesline, so I had to climb in through the window.

Oh, who am I kidding? I married the guy.

Anonymous said...

So 8:51, did you happen to find a man who never farts? Just askin'.

Anonymous said...

If she dumped him over a fart then it was all for the best because she was clearly not into him at all and they were both better off ending the relationship before it went any further. It does seem like a really silly reason to break-up though. I mean who has never had one slip out at an inconvenient time? No one has that much control. I also like a guy with a long nose. Ya know what they say ;).

Anonymous said...

oh boy.

there was the guy who swore up and down after ONE night together that we were meant for eachother and he was going to marry me. hey, i made it very clear what my intentions were, don't go stalker on me now.

oh, how about the ex with the three inch penis who believed for well over a year that i wasn't faking it.

and the friend i drunkenly attempted to hook up with. after about ten minutes of "maybe it'll stay up now" i walked out of the room.

and what is with guys and the "extra-large" condoms for an extra-small penis? seriously, if you have to hold it on it is too big.

and mr. romantic who came all over my brand new tattoo. unsanitary much? moron.

Anonymous said...

At least the guy who farted & was dumped had the decency to say excuse me. He could've blamed it on the dog, or her. ;)

Anonymous said...

Hello Ladies, Fart-dumper here... In my defense I was 23! I am now married three years and have two beautiful babies, 20 months and four months. Somedays, I wish the grossest thing I encountered was a fart. I have a raunchy sense of humor and a fart joke sends me off laughing like a ten year old boy.

However, I still don't like to be around a real fart- something about breathing in ass-air skeeves me out. (yes, I know that is weird.) I hate public restrooms for just this reason- the smell of someone else's poop - gross! My kids are the only exception- I am immune to it with them.

I had only been dating the Doc for less than two months, and an earlier poster was right, it wouldn't have worked out even if the fart hadn't happened. Yes, I was attracted to him, but it took work. And by work I mean BEER. To borrow from "Burger" (Sex in the City) I "wasn't that in to" him.

My husband knows the story (I met him shortly there after) and he met Dr. Fart in my neighborhood! He is not allowed to fart around me, but does anyway! It's a bonus for him when I roll my eyes and tell him he's gross. He did this before we were married and it didn't even make me think about dumping him. It's a forgivable offense by him.

We all have our pet peeves, this is mine.

As for the nice doctor, by some strange coincidence, a friend of mine is one of his patients. He married several years later. I don't think I scarred him. If I ever bumped into him, and he eluded to the abrupt end of our cortship, I would apologize and claim immaturity.

Anonymous said...

Ah yes...quick draw McGraw. Mr. Fun Sized. Mr. Tell-me-when-you-come, who tempted me to tell him I'd call him tomorrow. And there was the time I fed my ex-husbands worms and he didn't know...good times, good times.

Anonymous said...

OK here goes..lol.

The first guy I was ever with was great until he neglected to tell anyone that we were seeing each other. I ran into my cousin who was friends with the guy and said something about going to their firhouse banquet, she had no clue that he had invited me. Needless to say it ended fairly soon after that.

The second guy is my now STBX. Finding him looking at porn of pregnant women, teenage girls, and older women grossed me out and I never let him touch me again.

Anonymous said...

This is the best ever! You guys have reminded me of so much. I've been divorced 2 years now and haven't dated much since. HOWEVER, I have had a few odd experiences such as...
...men telling me that they think about me when they jack off (um...thanks...NOT)
...men telling me that they had really big dicks, and then asking if I liked anal sex (???)
...men telling me that if I wasn't into anal sex, then I had never had it done right
...the one man I did date for two months (only man since my divorce) was self employed (read unemployed) and IMPOTENT. Damnit. He was all talk. He told me about how much he loved giving oral, and then NEVER attempted it. I finally dumped him (not b/c of the poverty or impotence actually...unbelievably) because the negatives just kept piling on.

Thank you for reminding me that, although I'm in the longest dry spell of my LIFE, that it's potentially not that big of a loss. I had forgotten my single days and the humiliation/awkwardness therein.

Anonymous said...

Guy #1: Know that seinfeld ep where they were discussing good naked vs bad naked? Oh yeah, this guy was ALL about being naked. ALL THE TIME. As soon as we walked in the door, clothes and undies were off, and then, THEN he had the nerve to get down on his knees, ass up in the air so he could make "kissy" with the dogs on the floor. Literally made me want to vomit.

Guy #2: Came within ten seconds. As I was getting dressed to leave, he said, "Okay I'm ready to go again - are you?" I laughed at him, shook my head and left.

Anonymous said...

On the farting issue..
We were at his parents, trying to quietly have sex and he was just pushing me too hard and i let one out.
I don't know who was more horrified!
We still laugh about it now.

Anonymous said...

The cervix "tap" - it is usually more like a jab and it hurts like someone sticking their finger in your eye. Not sexy. Not pleasant.

And as far as the people who married as virgins, I am glad it worked out for you. I can't imagine not trying the pants on before I bought them, though. But that is just me.

Anonymous said...

omg i know! i mean look at all these horror stories....can u imagine marrying one of these sex wierdos and not finding out till the vows were said....ohhhhhhh that would suck. definetly gotta take the test drive....maybe love would conquer all, but still, nice to know what ur getting yourself into

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....the guy with the foot fetish who only wanted me to get him off with my feet. Or the one who decided that one orgasm was enough for me and I was just being greedy if I wanted more. Or the guy who told me that I was "OK", would be great if I lost 20 lbs (I wear a size 10) but I would "do" until someone better came along. Needless to say I told him he wouldn't "do" at all and put him out of the car far, far from home.

Anonymous said...

11:24 here. I am one of the was-a-virgin-when-marrieds that posted earlier. Not the one that was all like "everyone has one night stands." I was just saying what I did, and that I was happy with my decision. I don't know if the "don't judge" comments were given toward all "virgin" comments, but mine was simply stating what most of these comments are stating--I'm happy about my decision. I didn't say a thing about anyone else on here, and I'm obviously on here reading and appreciating these hilarious stories.

I have noticed more judgemental comments toward the virgins anyway. And my husband was also a virgin, so he had no experience as to have already become a "sex weirdo."

Anonymous said...

I had an ALMOST one night stand with a guy who after giving me so-so oral sex asked me if he could fuck me with his toes.

I don't think I have ever gotten dressed as quickly as I did that night.

Anonymous said...

My moment when I knew I was with the wrong guy wasn't *exactly* sexual in nature, but I think it qualifies.

My first husband (who was 17 years older than I was and whom I married far, far too young) always wanted me to wear lingerie. He'd bring home corsets, stiletto heels, all kinds of stuff. After we'd been married about a year, we were doing some shopping. He gestured to a Victoria's Secret store and told me that he wanted stuff from there for his upcoming birthday. I said, "For me?" He said, "No, for me." It turned out that he'd been wearing the lingerie he'd bought for "me" when I wasn't around, and finally decided to admit his fetish to me. I tried to be supportive, but seeing a guy with a pot belly and back hair parading around in lacy panties isn't nearly so much of a turn-on as you might imagine....

That, coupled with his *overwhelming* porn addiction (he was particularly drawn to the "she-male" type where the models have both breasts and penises) skeeved me right the hell out. That wasn't the only reason I eventually kicked him out, but it was probably the starting point.

Thanks for providing the confessional, Dawn! This is fun.

Anonymous said...

Ok folks I got a really gross one....... I NEVER have told it out loud before...(nor will I!)

When I was much younger, I slept with my boyfriends roommate cause I was pissed at the BF. He wasn't bad looking, and had always sort of come on to me. We go to his room and start doing the nasty and just as he starts to say how great I am.....He pulls out and PISSES on me!!!! OMG! I freakin' jumped up and ran from the place and NEVER went back. Broke up with the BF and all....over the phone.

Man, I'm glad I've been married for 14 yrs now (Faithfully) and all my crazy days are over!

Anonymous said...

On the farting issue-I too would be totally grossed out by someone who would do that in front of me so quickly. ICK. And they can be held. I have never done that in front of a guy I was dating nor my husband and we've been together 3 years. Of course it doesn't stop him from doing it, I am trying to get him to leave the room and sometimes he does.

Anonymous said...

There was the one hippie type guy I made out with one night, until I heard him with the aerosol spray can of deoderant for about a minute a pit... take a freaking shower dude.

Then the guy that chewed (tobacco) and would lightly peck me on the lips, that wasn't the bad part - the worst was sex with him. If he was on top I felt like I was in a rainforest - he would sweat horribly and it dripped off him!

Another ex would make me go wash up before even thinking about oral sex - I wonder why I was with him for so long...

Anonymous said...

1:30, your expectations are unrealistic. Farts cannot always be held. Farts happen. Grow up honey. In 15 years you'll feel differently and might even be ashamed that you make such a big deal over something EVERYBODY does EVERYDAY. You sound like a high school girl on the issue. I actually feel sorry for you. Must suck to hold your farts ALL the time(very uncomfortable too). And I'm sure you make your husband feel like a terrible person when he does it. Like I said, Grow up!

Anonymous said...

I have news for you 1:30. I once made a comment to my husband that I had never farted in front of him. He kept a straight face for all of about 10 seconds before he fell over laughing hysterically. Then he said "And I guess I don't snore either!" I looked at him and said "yes, you do snore. You just don't hear it because you are aslee.....Oh."

Trust me. Your husband is fully aware that you are human and your farts do indeed stink. If he says otherwise then he is just trying to spare you some embarassment. If you really do have the superhuman ability to hold in all of your farts then you are in a very small minority.

Anonymous said...

I went on a dinner date with a guy a few years ago. I started out the date by asking what I thought was a pretty innocuous question: "Have you done much traveling?" He responded by telling me (in detail) about the brothels that he'd visited in various countries (and continents). After dinner, he had the nerve to ask to 'see my apartment.' Um, NO.

Anonymous said...

5:03 - my farts don't stink. I make "poo pouri".

Anonymous said...

When I was in college I dated a boy for about a week. We kissed and made out with "above the clothes" petting, pretty tame stuff. Within minutes he came like a dog, dry humping my leg through his jeans and mine. I was pretty disgusted, but didn't want to hurt his feelings. I made up a nice story to let him down easy. He came up to me in class later on and in front of some mutual friends told me that I was his dream girl and that he had to have another date. I thought that was pretty sweet until he wanted to know HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST. I was so offended and angry I never spoke to him again. Twelve years later I sometimes wonder if he was trying to salvage his own pride by calling me a whore.

Anonymous said...

Have you noticed that the "big talkers" are ALWAYS a disappointment? "John" was a hunky frat boy, but his idea of a French kiss was more like discount sushi - warm dead fish, starting to smell.

Anonymous said...

1:17, did you ever see that skit that was on either SNL or MAD TV years ago. It was a comercial for supositories that made your farts smell good like roses or vanilla. I think there was even a "new car scent" classic.


Anonymous said...

I am anon 1:30. That was my first comment on the issue. I never said everyone doesn't do it, I know it's natural, I just feel like it's something you should step away from people to do, just being polite, just like burping. My husband does not feel terrible for doing it in front of me, I assure you. He still things its funny to do so it doesn't bother him. Now when he has smelly gas and does it more than once he'll appologize because it's just gross and then he'll try to run out before he does it. He does know it's natural but he also tells me he doesn't wanna hear me do it...I just haven't ever brought myself to do it. Just like my sis in law and her husband will do number 2 with each other in the bathroom, never..niether me nor my husband could do that...sorry. I have never made a big deal over farts..lol..I hardly think about it..it's natural to me to just not do it around people.

Anonymous said...

anon 1:30 again..to anon 5:03. My husband does know that I do it, obviously. He sees me occasionally leave the room or something of that nature and he knows what I'm doing or sometimes he asks..I tell him. I'd just rather spare people of a smell if there is one at that time. Like I said above, to me it's just about being polite and manners. I am fully aware that it's natural and everyone does it and I'm totally fine with the fact that some couples just do that in front of each other. I however would like to be spared of my hubby's horrible smell whenever possible!! It's not a big deal, I don't know why some people are getting so worked up over farts. People just feel differently. I care to keep it private. No big deal! sheesh.

Anonymous said...

1:03, I get what you are saying, I have never farted in front of another person ON PURPOSE either. My point was, that sometimes it just happens. I find it very hard to believe that never once, in your entire life, have you ever had one slip out before you had a chance to stop it. I just think it's a little harsh to label a person as inconsiderate, rude, or disrespectful because of one uncontrolable incident. Anyway, this argument has been blown (no pun intended) all out of proportion. I have better things to do than be an advocate for flatulence. Peace.


Anonymous said...

To 5:03. I'm sure at some point in my life I may have, but I know I haven't with my husband or a man of interest, unless like someone pointed out it was in my sleep or something of that nature. I'm also not saying it won't ever happen. I don't think it's rude if someone does it in front of people on accident. I know lots of familys do it in front of each other..and whatever..but if I were around a lot of people and someone let one rip, yeah, I'd think it were rude, just like if they burped, especially if these were done on purpose and not just a slip up.


Anonymous said...

cervix taps and farts... oh my.

My husband (now ex) and I were both nekkid. He was lying face down and I was attempting some sort of sexy back massage. I was working on his lower back and sitting on his buttocks when he farted. Right into my privates.

Needless to say, it ruined the mood.

Anonymous said...

Enough already with the 'fight of the fart' and the debate over 'virgins vs. let's get it on'!

This was a fun enjoyable walk down memory lane, and as usual on so many blogs, we have to watch some sort of drama or back and forth unfold. Enough!!!


Mine is similar to another poster - There was the guy that I was really into but he was extremely small, and after we had 'finished'...he had to be very careful about pulling out afterwards b/c the condom would end up still in me after was was no longer. And he was definitely not using large condoms.

Ladies, isn't it one of those shared experiences of the female gender (or I guess any individual that finds penises their desired sexual organ :-) that the first time you 'see it' or 'go in for some action' you sorta hold your breath, hoping that it will be a pleasent surprise?

Anonymous said...

how about the guy whose eyes would roll back into his head as he came... disturbing to say the least... combined with a most fearful convulsion which would leave the entire BEDROOM (not just the bed) with graffiti sperm.

Anonymous said...

Mine is not sexual at all, but it was definitley the moment he lost me. My ex bf and I had been together a couple years and he KNEW I have a terrible fear of bears. Like I will hyperventilate and get nose bleeds. (weird i know). Anyways, one day we were baby sitting and a bee got into the house and was in the bathroom. I begged the bf to kill it, knowing how much it would scare me and the kids! Instead of being my knight in shining armor, he locked himself in the bedroom and wouldnt come out until I killed the bee!!! Needless to say, we didnt last must longer after that....

Cynthia said...

ucI have no idea why I even gave my last guy as much time as I did. He had this thing where he could never finish during sex. Apparently, he just couldn't and he couldn't finish by blowjob either. It HAD to be a handjob that finished him off and it usually took forever (none of this was my fault. he did tell me this was the norm for him). It was very frustrating. He also would tell me to make as much noise as possible because he wanted his neighbors to hear. I'm all for noise, but come on. And what's with all the rough hair pulling? Not to mention the fact, that he never cared very much for what I liked in bed. He never tried to find out where I liked to be touched, he just assumed he knew. The finisher? After sex, he would tell me that he was obviously the best I had ever had. No, he didn't even bother asking that either. It was just a statement. What an ego. Luckily, that relationship didn't too long but it lasted long enough so that I was questioning my sanity.

Anonymous said...

Dude was probably gay.

Anonymous said...

Ok, guy and I are going at it in the doggie position on the living room floor and I realize that his penis is going limp. I don't know if he came or what, he made no indication of an orgasm, but he kept going at it and getting limper. After a minute or two, I start trying to politely crawl away and he chased me, still trying to hump me with his limp penis. I had to fake an orgasm to get him off of me.
I never did find out if he thought that we liked it limp or if he just couldn't tell when he came.

Anonymous said...

How bout guy that finished after 3 - yes that's right - THREE - strokes. Um, thanks for that non-event Mr Stamina.

I'll always laugh at this: At a party in high school with a guy (first date) - parents of the guy had a baby complete with baby monitor -a couple went into another room - drunk stupid teenagers (including my date) slipped baby monitor into the room they were in. We soon heard guy smacking some part of her body and breathlessly saying "Who's your daddy baby. Who's your daddy" Freaked me out.

The guy who IMMEDIATELY fell asleep after he finished - and I had not. I do not accept being drunk as an excuse.

RE: the cervix tap.

The tap can be quite fun - the pounding from behind - makes me want to rip out my female parts to make the pain stop.

Anonymous said...

1. Friend telling me he screamed my name when he came after jacking it in a hotel bathroom.

2. Short-term boyfriend ejaculating from just a kiss from me and sheepishly whispering, "It's, um, been a long time."


Anonymous said...

Being young, dumb, and in love, I put up with DISGUSTING behaviour from my ex. It makes me laugh now, and hopefully you'll all get a kick out of it too.

This man, who I very stupidly dated for over a year (and who broke up with me on Valentine's Day because he no longer found me attractive) had habits like these:

- eating his own toenails (believe me, I had a hard time with this one, and I wouldn't kiss him for ages after I saw him do it)

- eating his own um, spunk (he would jack off into his hand and eat it, claiming it "didn't make a mess that way"... He was right, and of course it was HIS to do whatever he wanted with, but ewwwwwww!)

- refusing to go down on me, yet insisting on blowjobs (he didn't like the taste of me, but he drank TONS of coffee, which made him a hypocrite who tasted gross)

*I stole the keyboard. She tastes good. He was on crack! <--- signed the Fiance

I truly belive that all these loser men were put on Earth for one reason only- to make it easy for us to recognize the keepers! (Yes, honey, like you!)

Anonymous said...

As a dude who just found this thread - you guys are really harsh on people who come quickly. Men are just like women in that respect, it varies. Sometimes my wife comes in a few seconds, sometimes it takes 15 minutes, and sometimes I come after just a minute and sometimes I have trouble finishing if I'm really tired. It varies. If the guy does that every time, sure, but the first time can just be a fluke.