My dear husband,
He will always be in my heart. Im sorry if that hurts you. He was there long before you came along. On our wedding day though, I gave up the hope of him and I. For the hope of you and I. I was willing to push my feelings for him aside, because I did love you. Not like I love him. Not more. Not less. Just differently. But I knew it was you I wanted a future with.
And now, so many years later. Im not sure anymore.
Over the years we have both done things that are not right. I admit to my fault as much as yours. The little things start to wear on a marriage. It was hard, but I could live with it. I dont remember when I started searching for him again, I just did. Never thinking I would find him. Never thinking I would ever talk to him. I dont know if I even wanted to. It was just a distraction. Something to get me through the day.
It wasnt until she was sick. Until she was dying. Until I had to go through it alone. That I really started to think I couldnt do it anymore. I searched that whole summer for him. I prayed to God everynight to bring him back into my life to help me get through losing her. But he didnt.
Things got even worse between us. But I was still hanging on. Hanging onto the hope I had the day I married you. Then, you threatened me into doing something that I never believed in. And I had to go through it alone. I know you have said your sorry, but I just dont think I can ever get past it. I told you this before, but I was so scared of losing you. Instead I lost me.
I found me again. In him. One phone call and I felt like I had come home. I remembered the girl I used to be before I let you break me. He has this way of making me absolutely love who I am. And I hate myself when Im around you.
You dont have to worry, there is nothing going on between us. I love hearing his voice and talking to him about all the things you wont. He knows what I did. He never once judged me. And somehow made me feel like I can forgive myself for it.
Yet things with you and I are no better. We are still struggling. Still trying to hold on. Somedays I dont think either of us know why anymore. We love each other, and most days we like each other. But we are not good for each other.
If we could only go back and redo the past two years, than I wouldve been with you forever.
I hate to say it, and I know you feel it, but I dont have any hope left for us.
I saw you looking at her at the party. You weren’t oogling or gawking at her, you just noticed her, and how could you not, everyone did. She looked absolutely stunning. I did not get mad at you because I look at other men that are attractive, it’s just looking, I know I don’t fantasize about them and I hope you don’t fantasize about other women. I think it’s normal to notice attractive people. But when I saw you look at her, I knew, others may not have, but I have known you for 10 years and I knew, because fifty pounds ago, you looked at me like that, and that’s what hurts. I miss those looks.
You irritate me so.
Just wondering what it must feel like to be so perfect - I mean honestly, as you point out each and every one of my faults as a wife, a mother, a housekeeper, a human, I just have to wonder, how did I happen to snag Jesus Christ? Confucius? Buddah? Mohammed? Allah? God? Yahweh?
Cause as you rail on about how lazy I am, I just have to think what it must feel to be perfection.
I went out on Friday night like I usually do. I was not looking for anything, only to have some fun after a very long stressful day. We had been flirting the last few times we saw each other. Maybe it was the alcohol but he said things that made me feel really good. He told me I was beautiful. Said that he could fall in love with me, why is life so unfair? He was hung up on the married part but I told him not to think about it. I never expected it to go as far as it did. He quickly kissed me. After sitting at the bar and holding hands and just looking at each other and talking in each other's ears we both thought we should go home. He pulled me into the bathroom, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. We had a full-on make out session. We chose to leave thru the back door. We couldn't get it open. We laughed and we made out again. We touched each other. He kicked the door open and we made out again in the alley. He offered to drive me to my car and we kissed some more. When we got to my car, we made out again. It was exhilarating. Now I can't get him out of my head and am longing to see him again. My head is spinning...
Why do you insist on us going out as a "family" and then pout and act pissy all night because your child acts out in public? This isn't new behavior. This isn't an occasional reaction by you. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And you wonder why I say I would rather say home? I mother one actual child, and mothering you just pisses me off.
I hate that you watch TV for the sake of watching TV.
Yes I did back over the 100 dollar baby stroller with my car, and no it never did push straight after that
All of the texts I get? They aren't all from girls
Relationship? Not much of one. Zero balance…the scales are completely tipped. I give and I give. I care more for you than I do for anyone or anything else, including my family and me. And, just as I realize that I’m not receiving anything in return, aside from heartbreak, you sense my discomfort and give just enough to spark my hope that things could eventually change, if only I work hard enough to prove myself to you.
Even worse, when you decide to provide that crumb of tenderness I crave, I start imagining that the lack of caring and affection I feel is just my own insecurity, another one of my many imperfections, and that maybe you’re just so comfortable with me that you don’t feel the need to assure me that you want to be with me. I often can’t decide whether you simply take for granted all that I am, or if what I feel for you is totally one-sided and you simply continue to use me until such a time that you feel strong enough to move on into the world in order to find what you really want.
I’m not doing myself any favours by allowing you to hurt me with your callousness and distance. I’m compounding the problem by keeping silent when there are things that I feel bothered by. Every time I hold back about what happens to me when I feel belittled by you, I take more and more away from myself. Soon enough I will be totally buried by insecurity and smothered by the knowledge that, once again, I could not measure up.
Little by little, because I don’t communicate all the things that are inside me, I start to see an amount of insensitivity in you that I never would have suspected could exist. I start to see that people are all the same, the ways in which they take may differ, but a taker will always take and a giver will continue to give - long after there is nothing left to spare.
In spite of all this, in spite of the fact that soon there will be nothing left of me, still I stay, because I’m afraid that my many mistakes and my tendency to consistently get things wrong dictate how deserving I am of affection and love. And, while you don’t satisfy my very human need to feel wanted and appreciated, I accept that no one worthwhile ever will. Thus I continue to try harder to please you…and the cycle continues.
What’s worse, what makes it more devastating than you could possibly imagine, is that I love you. When you hurt, I hurt. I would have given anything to take the pain from you and contend with it myself. When I waited so long to hear that you were ok, when I finally began to fear the worst, I prayed that your life be spared on that table and that I be struck dead instead. I would have gladly died if it meant that you would be healthy. I would take the love I feel for you back, but I can’t. It’s not something I choose. Absolutely not. I would have retrieved it long ago if that were the case. It’s something that is a part of me yet has a life of it’s own. It’s part of me, yet it belongs to you.