As I sat across the table from you tonight and watched you eat that enormous salad with Emeril's "Bam" all over it I couldn't help but think of how unattracted I was to you. I mean, kudos for losing the 140lb in 7 months. Unfortunatley now you look like an anorexic freak, like a melted form of your former self. You're all boney and your skin is flabby. It is a complete turn off and that is why we no longer have sex. I'm hoping that someday you decide to pick up a barbell and start packing on some muscle. Right now you look like a clothes hanger in your shirts. Have a fucking sandwich for christsake.
Oh, and this business of "going off my antidepressants" is driving me crazy. Your mood swings are just about more than I can handle. You mostly act like a 4 year old and I feel like slapping you silly. Get a fucking grip. Life is hard. All your "flooding emotions" make me want to throw up.
Grow up and gain some weight.
I think the affairs I am having are saving our marriage. I actually love you more and our sex life has gotten a little better. Part of it is that I know that other men (also married) find me attractive - I'm not waiting for you to say anymore. I actually mean it when I tell you that I love you, for the first time in years.
I wish that I could open up to you and let you know what I feel. But every time I've tried, you throw everything back in my face.
I wish you would realize that every time you treat me like crap, I hate you just a little more. Long ago the hate overtook the love.
I wish we'd never moved to the city together. You talked me into a place that costs too much for one salary, so I couldn't throw you out.
I wish you'd just go ahead and leave, like you tried to do in the past. I was stupid then, afraid of being alone. I'm not now.
Everyone always tells me how lucky I am to have
married you. I agree with that statement on my end but
you, poor man, were doomed from the day you met me.
I don't really understand why you treat me so well.
Why you allow me to dictate every waking moment of
your life. Why you allow me to stay in bed all day
while you play with the kids and clean the house only
to be yelled at by me when you quietly come into the
bedroom to ask me what I'd like for dinner.
I make more money than you do. This doesn't bother you
at all but it does bother me. Why don't you try
harder? Why don't you go back to school? Why don't you
do something so that I won't have to keep going to
this job that I despise and can do something that I
might actually enjoy for less money?
Why do I feel like you're obligated to do this for me?
I don't particulary care about sex with you. I'm
prefectly happy not doing it but this is the one thing
that you try to force your will on. I've been woken up
on so many occasions with my underwear pulled down and
you trying to force my legs open.
Last night, I told you the next time I would call the
police and have you arrested for rape. I've told you
this before and it hasn't stopped you yet. I ask
myself why don't I just give in to sex a couple of
times a week or just end it all already and divorce
you so you can find someone who enjoys your nocturnal
We've been together for 11 years now. I've already
cheated on you twice, both times ended every badly as
I became immediately needy and clingy to these men. It
wasn't about the sex but rather being around a man who
I found exciting and smarter than I was.
Someone who made their own decisions. Someone who had
ambition. Someone who treated me badly.
You don't know about those other men and I have no
intention to tell you. I like to think it's because it
would hurt you too badly and I haven't done it for
going on 6 years now but in reality, it's because I
want to keep the door open for other opportunities. I
don't want you looking over my shoulder.
There's another man at work who fits all the
aforementioned criteria. I know that if I continue
working there we will both end up cheating on our
spouses. I know it yet I am hoping it happens. I
daydream about him and make little excuses to stop by
He invites me to go out with a group of people after
work but I haven't gone. Yet. I know it's wrong and I
know it only end in tears. Why am I doing this to us?
Why can't you see that I can't be the one in control
because I only fuck everything up? Why can't you see
WHY oh why must you sulk and pout like a big wimpy baby when I ask you to do anything with my family? Why do you feel free to talk badly about my mother and my brother and just let everything with your ANNOYING family (especially your mother) just go??? I am sick of keeping my family on hold until the very last minute for Thanksgiving and Christmas plans. If my family did this, you would be pissed, but since it's your family, no big deal. I am sick sick sick of your silent act, and frankly, I don't give a shit right now if you ever talk to me again.
More often than not, I wish you’d drop dead.
Here's a shout out to anonymous confessing - I love that I can write in and see my thoughts and feelings in type, and share them with you all out there. Ladies, whoever you are, I love our common thread. Even if often times our common threads are idiot males who are putting us through living hell.
Here's my latest. I hate to say that my feelings for you have changed so much - when I thought so highly of marriage and committment, and all that goes along with those things. I used to preach like I knew what I was talking about - it was easy to do before I was actually married. I knew it wouldn't be easy - and I am okay with that, but what I didn't realize was that when we got married, that I would lose all of my physical attraction to you. We went out recently and every time you touched me I wanted to run screaming in the other direction. You talked to another girl most of the night at that party, and you know what? I WANTED you to take her home. Knowing that that would be the last thing on earth you would ever do ... but why not? Please. Have an affair. Fall in love with someone who isn't me. Do something so I won't feel like such a complete ass for wanting out of our marriage. You are the best man on the planet. And what I want is sex. Not from you. I know that I should be careful about what I wish for - I may just get it. But you know what? I deserve it. I should be miserable for awhile. I had an affair. I've already started lying to new guys I meet about what my life is like. And I know that there isn't another you out there. I don't know what to do, and baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I have to do this alone for awhile - maybe a long while. Maybe forever.
I'm so tired of your temper. You think just because you've never hit me that it's okay. It's not. You're impatience with the kids isn't okay either. I know that they're annoying. I know that they whine. I know that they cry at the drop of a hat and then continue to cry for half an hour. I'm the one that's here with them ALL.DAY.LONG. Is it too much to ask that when you're home for the 2 1/2 hours until bedtime that you are patient and kind and don't yell at them constantly? Things here are relatively happy until you come home- then everyone is crying until I put them in bed. They're kids. It's what they do. They're a heck of a lot easier to deal with if you treat them with respect and love rather then demands and knee jerk reactions.
I don't know what's happened to you. But I don't like it.
If I ever chance to bring up something you may do differently parenting-wise it's met with anger and you throwing back into my face my lack of perfection. I know I'm not perfect. Believe me. But do you think maybe that since I'm the one that spends 24/7 with these kids and since I'm the one that reads the books, magazines, and websites about child rearing that maybe, just maybe that maybe I might be able to tell you what works a little better? When are you going to realize that half the reason they don't listen to you is that you don't enforce what you say until you've said it 10 times. There's a reason that all I have to do is start counting before they jump- they know that I'm serious when they see that first finger go up. Also- the empty threats? That doesn't work either. They know very well that you're not going to throw all their toys away, make them walk home on the freeway, or make them sleep in the backyard. They're not dumb.
Neither am I. Yet I feel like you think I am whenever I make a comment you don't agree with. I don't think you realize how much I read and study about politics, history, different religions, the environment ect. But if I don't agree with you then I must be wrong. I miss talking to you. Now you're not interested in hearing me talk- just having me listen. Sometimes I have things to say too. But I don't think you care.
I feel like I'm retreating farther and farther into myself when you're around. I'm not free to be me with you- so I save myself for other people. Doesn't that make you at least a little bit sad? It should.
Sometimes I think that I made a huge mistake- that if I'd waited longer I'd have met someone that I'd have been more compatiable with. That makes me sad. Yet- because of the kids I'm not leaving. Yet. You need to get on the ball with your temper and your attitude before you kill off the best part of me.
I hope you read this. I hope you know that it's me writing. Most of all I hope it makes a difference.