Wednesday, August 23, 2006

True Wife Confessions Studio 54

Confession #531

I hate you. I. Hate. You. I mean it, I am not just angry. You have fucked around on me so many times. And everytime I have tried to forgive you. I have tried to have a family with you. When you went to bootcamp, I waited, when you were deployed I waited, and every time I wait it seems there is someone else. Another nasty whore who will sleep with a married man. I raise your daughter with very little help from you. I sold some of her clothes before for formula and diapers when you would rather spend money on beer. No matter what you tell me I am a fucking awesome mother. I used to try to make you happy, I no longer give a damn. I only care about my baby and me. I am only with you until I can make money to support myself and my daughter. Soon, I will not have my heart shattered when I find a condom and a wad of $1 bills. I am numb to it now. Go ahead, tell me again I am fat and lazy, tell me again how stupid I am, tell me again how you don't care about me. GO AHEAD YOU FUCKING SMALL DICK FAGGOT!!!!!!!!! Go burn in hell motherfucker. I. Fucking. Hate. You.

Confession #532

Anal sex hurts. Sometimes for days afterward. I would never ask you to do
something physically painful for my sexual satisfaction. Stop asking and
stop making me feel guilty for not wanting to.

Confession #533

What is your idea of foreplay? It's certainly not mine....Why don't you have one of your ribs removed so that you can suck your own fucking dick if it's so damn tasty...You seem to think I should be doing it every time we have sex...In your mind it is the most enjoyable act for me on the planet. What about me????? No wonder I've turned into a Desperate Housewife --- wishing for someone else to give me the sex I've been dreaming about for 7 years.

Confession #534

I think I need a divorce. It's not that I don't care about you. I do. You definitely love me way more than I love you. Tonight you brought up the 25000 dollar home equity loan again and used it as an excuse for not having enough leverage to buy a piece of property and turn it over into big money...Like it was my fault or something that we couldn't do it. Yesterday you told me I was deaf and blind and had no common sense. What is wrong with this picture?

Confession #535

I read these confessions to remind myself how lucky I am. Yes, you do play your video games. Yes, you do love your football and hockey. I still don't get how you can be the smartest person I know and yet love wrestling and have the worst taste in music. However, I have never done a load of laundry since we've been married and every morning you walk my dog, even though you are not a dog person, so I can get more sleep before I go to work. I could not even begin listing all that you do for me, but those 2 things alone blow my mind. I am a lucky gal.

Confession #536

I hate your son. I really do. I know I told you that I could 'do this' when you proposed. You gave me every chance to get out before we got married. I said I could handle it. Sometimes I just can't. I know he has mental problems. Bad ones. But lots of times it's just an excuse to be a dumb-ass. I hate how you can bitch and bitch about him. But if I say anything and voice my frustration - then you immediately defend him and attack me.

I am dreading next week. He comes back from summer vacation with his worthless mother. I hate that he's coming back. That's why I'm depressed.

Two more years of school - then he's out. That's it.

And you KNOW that I will not consider having a child with you until he's gone. He will NEVER be around a child of mine. This makes me so sad - especially since I'm finally feeling like I want to have a baby. And I won't.

Confession #537

Sometimes for brief fleeting moment I forget that I am married to the
worlds biggest moron.
If the boys weren't so young, I'd have left years ago.

Confession #538

I often wish I'd never had a child. I know I'd be thrown to the lions if anyone ever heard me say that, but it's true. The few people I've said it to have gone all "oh but you'd miss him" on me. Well, of course I would miss him if he left tomorrow, but if I'd never had him at all, I wouldn't know what I was missing, would I? And if I'd never had him, I wouldn't be trapped in an abusive relationship that I thought I'd gotten out of. There is no "getting out" when you have a child together. The law makes sure of that. You're stuck with them forever. And I know it's wrong to blame that on a child, and I don't--I blame it on the fact I was ignorant enough to have a child in an abusive relationship. I also hate that my life will never be "mine" again. I hate that I will forever be worried about another person the way I worry about my child, and that I will spend the next several years worrying about whether or not I've fucked him up so badly that he will never have a normal life. I hate that I can never be the mother I wish I could be, and that he deserves. I just don't have it in me. I'm selfish and I have problems, and I should have realized my limitations and not given in to the pressure to procreate.


Confession #539

It was me who scratched the SUV !! I backed out of the drive way and hit the garbage can that YOU left setting there for over a week

Confession #540

To my ex-husband:

Confession 1: I lied when I told you that, because we live in different states, the child support payments had to go through the court. It was my decision. I chose to do it that way because I knew you wouldn't pay it if I didn't get it before you could spend it. You've proven me right this summer by changing jobs and not letting your new employer know "for a few months because you needed to catch up on a few bills."

Confession 2: I also lied when I told you that I would try to talk the county attorney out of go after you for the payments that you missed. While you were off "catching up on a few bills", which in your world apparently means buying a new truck and goodness knows what else, I was struggling to make ends meet while at the same time buying school supplies and paying school dues for this coming school year.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

#538- this is what depression sounds like. I felt the same hopelessness right after I had my baby. Post partum turned into more depression. Get help. Please. Don't live in despair. Oh, and leave that bastard.

Julie said...

#538: Get thee to a doctor! With counseling and/or medication, you can find yourself again. Your words and tone are indicative of depression. There are millions of us in the US who have been there; many hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

#532 - I feel your pain, in the most literal way. The last time I gave in to the begging and pouting (over six months ago) I bled for almost a week. Normal activities still hurt at times, even occasionally make me bleed more. And yet he still whines and begs, pouts when I tell him to stop asking, even has the nerve to tell me I "enjoyed it"! WTF? Even the hard-core masochist types stop when an activity causes permanent damage! I've considered buying a strap-on and letting him find out just why I keep saying no.

Anonymous said...

Those feelings are a sign of depression? My son is almost a year old and I think the exact same thought of "I wouldn't miss him if I never knew him." I love my son, but sometimes it's just so overwhelming and lonely when you don't have much of support system. I don't think that necessarily means I'm suffering from depression. Does it?

Anonymous said...

#532...hell yeah. It hurts badly. My husband won't quit asking either.

Anonymous said...

#538 and anon 1:39~

Those are classic signs of depression. Do your children a favor that could potentially save their lives and yours and find someone to care for them while you are getting the help you need. My heart aches for you. I'm begging you to please seek help. Depression is physical and mental, please do the right thing. My thoughts are with you.

Bianca said...

Wow these are getting raw. I do hope that being able to tell someone helps a little and seeing it in print is the little extra push it takes to get help.

In all I have to say after reading these good or bad I find that I can look at my husband with the same love that I had for him on our wedding day because of this site.Thank You Dawn for showing more then a few of us that we are not alone and that sometimes that dirty dish in the sink isn't the end all. Even if more then a few of these have sounded like I was writting them.

Anonymous said...

#531- If your husband is committing adultery, it is against the UCMJ!!! Go talk to legal services and get help. All branches have to follow the same code of military justice so don't put up with the scumbag if he's still in!

Anonymous said...

#532- I bleed afterward and even after telling my husband this he still asks. It would help if he would feel a tiny bit guilty about making me hurt, but he asks anyway. I don't think I've ever done anything to him that made him bleed (even accidentally).

Anonymous said...

To the moms who are depressed- it's normal to feel that way for up to a year after giving birth. It takes the body at least that long to recover, sometimes longer. If you think it's chemical, please get some help. Even regulating hormones by the use of hormones can help.

It can also be emotional. Having a child is a major adjustment. I suggest finding a playgroup in the area and meeting other moms. Find one online and talk to women and find out you are not alone in feeling isolated, depressed, and having so many conflicting feelings. It's perfectly normal and doesn't make you a bad mom or a bad person. It makes you human!

Get out of the house as often as you can. Staying home all of the time also leads to depression. Go to the library for story hour or find toddler classes like at Gymboree or similiar. You will be amazed at how much better you feel once you get out and get active with your baby around others who also have babies and children.

To those who are having issues with anal sex- I like what that one person suggested. Have him experience anal penetration so he knows what it feels like. It's your body. You have a right to say no. If he whines, that's his problem. Buy him some anal sex videos and some lube and leave him alone with the DVD player. Some sex acts are meant to be fantasies.

If that still doesn't work, and you are willing to try again, I have heard Astroglide lube is the best for anal sex. It is long lasting and may prevent some of the painful issues afterwards. Go with a slick lube, not a jelly. There are many out there just for anal penetration but most are oil based and cannot be used with condoms. If that is an issue, find one that is safe for condoms.


Hope this helps someone!

Anonymous said...

4:38

there is nothing normal about wishing your child was never born and there's nothing normal about depression either. It doesn't just run it's course and go away--these women need to tell their doctor and get some help. Yes the underlining cause could be hormones but that still doesn't make it normal or natural.

In regards to your advice for the women whos husbands guilt them into having anal sex--uh I think your off there too. It's rape if he forces them and if they don't want to do it they should not do it! period! a different kind of lube isn't going to make it better. If they're bleeding afterward, there are tears and he's causing them internal injuries! Sex is suppost to be a pleasurable experience for both parties involved. These men sound like selfish bastards.

mb said...

Anal doesn't have to hurt, but if it does, stop! I like the idea of having him experience it, if he wants it so bad. Lots of straight guys enjoy anal stimulation, so you never know. Here's a few tips:

If you like anal play, and want to do it and enjoy it, start with fingers then move on to small dildos, increasing the size gradually over the space of a few weeks, not hours till he can fit in you. Add lube and enjoy. Play with yourself while he does it/you do it.

Maybe he just wants to try something different, taboo. Talk to him and maybe there's something else that might be more fun for both of you. Some people just don't like anal, and that's OK.

Hope that wasn't too porno Dawn!

Dawn said...

No - not too porno at all. In fact, I concur wholeheartedly. Trying something new is fine, but if it hurts - Stop.

In fact, I think I have learned something new, and I thank you mb....

Dinosaur Mom said...

#538 - I used to whisper to my baby that I was sorry, that I knew they had promised him a real family but I was all he was getting. It is hard to have your whole life turned upside down and I have thoughts like yours too. But don't doubt that you have it in you to be a good mother, and it really does get a lot more fun when they start to be kids instead of babies.

D said...

#538
Oh, sweetie. I was feeling the same way recently. What helped me was to realize that I did have a right to be a mother...what I could not expect was to be perfect at it. I am not messing my child up-I'm just doing the best I can. And so are you. Get help if you feel you need it, but most importantly, get support from others who have been there. You can do this, and it sounds like you're the best thing in his life!

Sugarmama said...

One of the anonymous commenters said that it wasn't normal to wish your child hadn't ever been born, but I don't think that's what #538 was saying exactly. I get it. I'm a divorced mom with not the BEST relationship with my ex-husband, and I've often wished I'd never married him. Which means that my older daughter would never have been born, sparing me a lot of heartache and bitterness.

I'm crazy about that child, but that doesn't mean that I still wish that I'd never gotten together with her father and could now enjoy my 2nd marriage and 2nd child without all the angst. This is totally fucking normal! A human heart doesn't follow the usual logic. Don't make her feel even worse than she already might.

Anonymous said...

My heart bleeds for all of these poor little innocent children who were brought into this world by selfish, ignorant parents with no forethought as to how they were going to raise them, and now have to pay for those mistakes with unhappy childhoods. Get on medication, go to counseling, get a divorce, grow up, do whatever you have to do to ensure that these kids don't grow up to be you or your husbands. GOD!!

Anonymous said...

No one knows what parenting is really like until they are a parent themselves, so all the forethought in the world can't prepare you for what's in store. Does that make them ignorant? Yes, but not selfish, IMO.

1hotmomma said...

#532 -I asked my husband if kicking him the balls gave me an orgasm, would he let me do it? I mean, yeah, it hurts him for a little bit but it sexually turns me on so he should let me do it anyway, right? He stopped begging me for anal sex. And when I do give in he understands to BE GENTLE!

Anonymous said...

To 9:07- I am a parent myself. I thought long and hard about getting pregnant, because once you bring someone else into this world, they are your responsibility forever. So be responsible. A child has a right to be loved and properly nurtured. If you are mentally unable or unwilling to sacrifice your life for someone else (a helpless, dependent baby, not some asshole who will never be there for you) then DO NOT HAVE A BABY until you can take proper care of it. That is all I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

I think that you are all missing the point about 538. She is in a situation that is not good and feels trapped because she has to put her child before her own happiness. It is much easier to escape from a bad situation when it is you alone than it is when you have to think about the welfare of someone else. It can create feelings of hurt and resentment that are natural. I don't think that anyone has the right to judge her for her feelings until you have been in a similar situation. And I for one completely understand what she is trying to say. It does not make you a bad mother to wonder "what if". At least she aknowledges her feelings and that is the first step to a solution to her problem. Kudos to you 538 for being brave enough to say what some of us are thinking.

Anonymous said...

i AM #538. i wrote that. my child is almost 5 years old. my child's father turned out to be a drug addict and an abuser. i used to be one to say "if they don't leave, they deserve what they get." boy, did i ever eat my words. judge not, lest ye be judged.

i don't hate my child. i would throw myself in front of a bus for my child. but since i left dear ol' dad 2 and a half fucking years ago, i've been stalked, had my life threatened, received countless threatening and harrassing emails and phone calls, had my new boss called and told that i'm psychotic and won't take my medication (not true), and been through a custody fight that would make a sane person's head spin. (in fact, it has.) i am currently withholding visitation for a variety of reasons and have filed for sole custody based on the same reasons.

my child has certainly suffered from it all. the transitions are hard enough, but adding in a "father" who is a lunatic and dangerous only compounds the problem. then add in the unsympathetic child care/preschools who have kicked him out because they were sick of dealing with his issues and you've got one serious problem. in a year, he went through 4 preschools. the 5th and most recent is a wonderful place who has been willing to work with him, but it's still hard to get those phone calls about behavior problems. i took my child to a therapist every week for 6 months. i took him to a psychiatrist and put him on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds just to help him get through a fucking day.

like some of you suggested, i got help for myself shortly after i wrote that original post. and FINALLY i feel like i can do this without ending up in the nuthouse.

so THANK YOU for all the supportive words, and for all the not-so-supportive ones, i sincerely hope your lives remain perfect and you never have to deal with something of this magnitude.

Anonymous said...

#538, you should be applauded for your courage. You are obviously a good mother. I wish you strength and happiness.

Anonymous said...

#538 so THANK YOU for all the supportive words, and for all the not-so-supportive ones, i sincerely hope your lives remain perfect and you never have to deal with something of this magnitude.

well said.

NO ONE knows what parenthood is like until they're there. So for the person who said don't have one until you're ready - well, what if someone HAD thought of it long & hard, felt they were ready, had the baby, AND THEN suffered PPD or generic post partum blues - what then? It's all well & good to PLAN but once you have that baby, everything can change. Good for you that everything worked out perfectly, but it just doesn't for everyone. Get off your high horse.

Dawn said...

As the evil genius behind this blog, I encourage you all to read my experiences with Post partum depression. On I am doing the best I can, I wrote "Good Mothers Don't"
http://balefulregards.blogspot.com/2006/02/good-mothers-dont.html
and on Gimlet I recently wrote "Unspoken" after being interviewed for an article on PPD
http://gimleteye.clubmom.com/the_gimlet_eye/2006/08/unspoken.html

One of the reasons I hid it for so long was that i had planned our child ( down to the minute of conception) and am a Professional in Early childhood education. When my world crashed down around me, and I found myself hating my baby?

Parenting ( and PPD) opened my eyes to empathy for and towards other women. You can not know how hard the job of being a parent ( or being in a marriage) is until you are smack dab in the middle of it.

Women don't have to feel this way. I am five years post diagnosis and I missed almost 4 years of my daughters life cause I was mentally checked out. It was the best thing I ever id for myself..and my daughter.

http://balefulregards.blogspot.com/2006/03/breaking-my-circle.html

One of my promises when I came back to my life was to talk about this. There is no shame in depression.

Anonymous said...

BRAVO, DAWN! Glad U got the help you needed, and you and ANY women with the courage to talk about this are HEROES, in my opinion.

People would be AMAZED to find out how many women share similar negative experiences & thoughts re: childbirth, AND THEY ARE ELATED when they find out they're not alone. Pretending everything is hunkydory instead of ACKNOWLEDGING these feelings and finding out YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE only serves to worsen the problem. Why the shame in admitting these feelings? For fear we aren't the perfect parent we pretend or want to be? There is no perfect parent of course, but a STRONG parent can admit these things, and maybe work with & talk to other women about it. EVERY woman I've ever talked to about this kind of thing was RELIEVED to the point of tears that they weren't the only one. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it doesn't mean you went into parenthood all willy nilly, and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean you're going to destroy your child's life - it means YOU'RE HUMAN.

Again, congratulations on your strength, Dawn, and may more women have the strength to talk about this! THERE ARE MORE OF US THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE!