Tuesday, August 22, 2006

True Wife Confessions 53 Herbie the Love Bug's Number

Confession #521

To my beloved.. You were and still are the love of my short life. I honestly think we were meant to be. Like we promised that one evening on the Ferris wheel.. We were soulmates. But you couldn't take the pain and handle the separation when I went off to school and when I couldn't afford to come home as often as I wanted to. I feel like you blame me. That look in your eyes.. When I mentioned I was working with a guy on a project... I never left you. I loved you with all my soul.. but.. You gave up on the love we had. I'm sorry I wasn't meaningful enough.

And to the young man I'm seeing now.. I'm sorry these feelings for the other still exist. It hurts me too when you talk about her too.. But that's how and why we meant. I know you will always love her, and I'm okay with that. I want to fall in love you. I worry that I'm not because.. Again, It's a distance relationship. Then I smile and think about how I put up with your pro-wrestling obsession because it makes you happy.. And your happiness makes me laugh and smile.

Confession #522

I think about him everyday, even though it's been more than two years since I've seen him and longer than that since I kissed him. The worst thing about having an affair and deciding to stay with you isn't the guilt, which at times was overwhelming. It's knowing that there is something--someone--else, someone who is smart and funny and passionate about a cause, someone who could have a job making tons of money but chooses to work for a non-profit because he wants to make a difference, someone who makes me laugh, someone I respect, someone who made me feel like I was the most incredible person in the world. One time, he cut a picture of flowers out of a magazine and put them on my desk because "everyone deserves flowers." Funny thing is, I don't think I'd want him now if I was single, but I can't get him out of my head. I fantasize about running into him somewhere, wishing for it, hoping for it, to see how I'd feel after all this time because I've come to realize that though I might not want him, I know I don't want you.

Confession #523

Even though we've been divorced for nearly six years, I still can't manage to get you out of my life. You were evil enough to trap me into violating a court order that I didn't even know about so you could take our son away from me. You managed to ruin my finances, my future, my sanity all for the sake of winning a war I wasn't even fighting with you.

And today I just received another court date so you can try to get more money from me when I don't even make 25% of your yearly salary. Are you out of your mind? What more do you want from me? You have our son, my money, and even though we have joint custody of him, you make all of the decisions. The only thing left is my life.

I hate you more than any one person should have that emotion in them and pray every day that you get run over by one of the trains you work on because you and your family are so fucked up that my son is traumatized by your incessant need to keep up with the Jones'. I cringe at the thought of all the abuse I never reported and hope that you don't poison our son with your filth. I mean who would stay married to a man who confessed he's bisexual?

I have no idea how on earth I managed to get myself into this vulnerable and screwed up position but I guarantee when I get out of it, you will be just like the rest of the scum on the earth and be rotting somewhere in hell.

Confession #524

Last night, when you smiled at me and told me that I was beautiful? You repaired alot of things. Keep it up and I might put my wedding rings back on.

Confession #525

I'm sorry because I've tried to cry and be sad about what I've done, and I can't. I feel the sobs inside of me, and I can't seem to bring them out.

The other night, when you left for poker? The night that I asked you if you even wanted to stop by the house before you went? I was waiting for your friend to stop by - yes, that friend that you are thinking of. He was waiting for me to give him the signal to come by. Its only the first time and he has now made it clear to me that it was the last.

He has decided that we will forget what we did. I can't. I think about it everytime you and I make love. I am imagining that you're him, and remembering the things he did to me.

I love you with all my heart. I just can't stop thinking about your friend. And I'm scared by that. I'm scared because he doesn't want it again and told me that it was beyond wrong. I'm scared because I want to be with you both and this has never happened to me before. This is only something other people do.

I love you. But I'm scared of it.

Confession #526

I love that you're so hairy because it makes me feel less self-conscious about how hairy I am.

Confession #527

You don't know that I posted a profile on an adult website and have been dating, and sleeping with, some of the men I've met online while you've been gone. They treat me better, have more respect and consideration for me, than you have in a very long time.

I got flowers for my birthday. From a man I hadn't even met face to face. I got flowers, cards and visitors when I was in the hospital. From men I've only chatted with or only had dinner with. I actually got to go see a movie! Not a kids' movie. A grown up movie. I get to go dancing. They're more concerned with what I think of them when they dance with me than what all the strangers at the club think of them when they dance. You should try it sometime.

Did you know sex can last longer than 10 minutes?! Did you know I actually am capable of having an orgasm?! Did you know it's possible to sit and just snuggle/cuddle, even all night, without it having to result in intercourse? Snuggling for the sake of snuggling. Touching just for the enjoyment of feeling someone's body next to you. Kissing for kissing's sake and not an item on the checklist of "to do before sex".

Did you know I'm more important than a video game? Or a TV show? Well, at least somebody thinks so. And now I realize it too. And I realize how incredibly miserable I've been. And I realize it's not all my fault.

Last time. Last chance. Going to counseling means more than one visit. If you really want to fix things with us, prove it. Make the appointments with the counselor. Go to them. Work on things. It can't be all on me to do it. It has to be both of us. I'm already half way out the door.

Confession #528

If I do decide to divorce my husband, what's to say that you will be any better? What's to say that you won't leave me like you did 15 years ago? I may not be thrilled in my marriage, but you'll need to work a hell of a lot harder to get me to trust you enough to take that risk. What's more? I am already more in love with you than I care to admit. I never stopped, just tucked it away somewhere.

You scare the shit out of me and thrill me in ways that I can only barely discuss. I fear telling you any of this, as I don't want to seem weak.

Confession #529

Sometimes when I am mad at you, I fart on your pillow. I know it's immature but it makes me feel better knowing that it may still smell when you lay your fat head down.

Confession #530

I want to have a baby more than I want to be married to you.

I tell my friends that I don't want to, because I'm so fucking tired of wondering what's wrong with me that you don't want to have a child with me.

If you won't give me a baby, I will leave you. I've been telling you that for a year and a half, and I'm not fucking kidding.


Anonymous said...

Some really heavy confessions on here today...but the farting on the pillow-that takes the cake.


Anonymous said...

If you say you are going to leave, and you mean it then you just need to leave. If you don't mean it them stop saying it because it doesn't work when it's just words. I said I would leave and I did. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Life is too short to spend on losers.

Anonymous said...

529 - you rock!

Anonymous said...

527--once again, I'm amazed at women who whine about not getting respect and then go out and cheat on their husbands. Somehow cheating seems to be rationalized by the "I'm not happy" mantra. If you're not happy, GET OUT. Don't cheat and lie and sneak around, because that is not a way to gain anybody's respect, least of all your husband's. And even though you think those men are "respecting" you, how do you know they're not just using you for sex and thinking you're a cheating slut?

Anonymous said...

529 may be the funniest thing I've read all month!

Anonymous said...

I am a man and read this every day. I want to make sure that I never get in the position that someone would confess these things about me. As a man I want to be respected and have her light up when I come in the room. I read this to check in to make sure I am doing and being the kind of man that women are attracted to. I am now dating a women that I think is fantastic. We havle long term potential. This blg helps me stay on track. As the man I believe I need to take the lead. Kiss her in a way that lets her know the incredible passion that I feel for her and make love to her in a way that makes her grip the sheets. Every day I think of being that man for her and yet I know there are no guarantees. I will continue to read and learn.

Anonymous said...

11:04 what you say makes sense but this is reality. No matter what "morale" stance we could take on these issues this is what is real. As a man I want to know how not to become the one being cheated on. I believe that some men are/have become pussies that have no backbone and some are asshole/jerks neither is going to work over the long term. Somewhere in the middle is the confident guy that "takes care of business", is appropriately sensitive, helps out around the house, is in control when women are stressed, and has passionate sex in the bedroom. The kind of sex that lets the women know that he is in charge and yet allows her to feel safe and unjudged. NO, its not easy figuring it out as a man...but the consequences is dire...just look at these confessions...

Anonymous said...

Why is it that cheating seems to be the fix-all for a unhappy marriage? Being unfaithful, lying, and dishonest couldn't make a person feel good about themselves, but then again I have never been in that position. Good luck to all of you. Sorry for the unhappyness, hope you find it with one of the men you are cheating on your husband with. Because that is always a good foundation for a lasting, loving, TRUSTING, relationship.

And second, what is wrong with admitting you are bisexual? And why are you so grossed out? Maybe that's why he left, your not open minded enough to except people for who they are.

Anonymous said...

#529. Genuis. Why didn't I think of that myself?

Anonymous said...

#527 - Hope this doesn't come across as mean, but you might want to take your own advice in the last paragraph of your confession. YOU can't seriously be working on the marriage with one foot out the door.

#523 - Phew. That's a lot to have on your plate. I wish you strength and courage.

Anonymous said...

#523, My heart ached when I read your post. Don't ever give up. Believe in karma, and try to see about getting a better lawyer if possible. Even if it means financial help from family. I wish you luck,strength and peace, and may your son come back to you as soon as possible.

Anonymous said...

11:59 how is having an affair a "fix all" for a marriage? It is a way out but that is a far cry from a "fix all." And if she had no idea he was bisexual when she married him then she has every right to be grossed out. What is good for some is not for others and it should have been her choice. You sound cuckoo.

Anonymous said...

#529...You're fucked up! I love it!! LMAO

Donna said...

I've seriously considered doing a combo #529 on my husband...but not for revenge or anything...just for laughs!

Anonymous said...

I am #529. Yes, the pillow farter. I have been reading this blog daily for about a month now and just had to share that.
My story can and does go much deeper than farting on my husband's pillow but I don't need to get into my husband's "emotional affair", his lack of attention to me, blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong I mean absolutely no disrespect to the brave women who leave confessions like that. I am just tired of rehashing MY story. My husband now knows exactly how I feel most of the time because I tell him. There are just those certain times when I bite my tongue and rip one on his pillow to save a fight. It always works. Kind of like counting to ten or getting in the last word or something. I am fucked up and I love every minute of it! LOL!

Anonymous said...

To the pillow farter....You're fuckin' hilarious. My husband is afraid of any farts because he fears he is inhaling poop particles. This would just kill him. thanx for the laugh.

Anonymous said...


I am a female lawyer. There are few instances where a judge will take a child away from the custody of the mother, let alone grant a financial benefit from mother to father...especially when he makes more $$ than you. There are only a few reasons why that would happen. US law in pretty much every state says that the child should stay with the mother except for these reasons...the fact that there is a restraining order against you says a lot. You cannot NOT know that there is a restraining order against you unless you failed to show up to the court precedings. I am sorry for what you are going through BUT obviously there are reasons. I wish you the best in getting your life back together.

Anonymous said...

#527 meet your soulmate #509

You both give me the creeps.

Anonymous said...

529!!!!! I'm literally crying over here! That is f*cking hysterical!!! LMAO!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

#525-- I'm in that same position. I could have written it word for word. Glad to know I'm not the only one. Hang in there

Anonymous said...

Confession #530

then leave. why have you waited a year and a half already? that's time you can't get back.

Anonymous said...

There is not enough room on this or any other website to go in to all the reasons why. I started to be more detailed, but then it wouldn't have been anonymous. He knows the things he's done that make me want to leave. I've dragged him to counseling so many times.

He swears he loves me but refuses to do anything to show it. He's manipulative and just wants me to stay because I'm "his". He owns me.

After I found out about his girlfriend I was devastated. Cried to a friend about it. A male friend. He tried to make me feel better. I was inconsolable. Took me 2 hours to figure out that he was trying to do more than just comfort me.

That was the first time I found out that I truly am beautiful and desirable. That I'm not worthless just because HE says I am or treats me like I am. Is it wrong to want to feel good? Is it wrong to want to feel beautiful and desirable?

I will work on my marriage. I believe he can fix things IF HE WANTS TO. But this is the last time I go to counseling. He has to make an effort this time. Because now I know I can make it without him. I don't NEED him. I'll go to counseling because I WANT him. But I won't be miserable anymore, waiting for him to decide to treat me right.

Don't judge. There is so much more behind these confessions than there is room or time to relate. Yes, they do respect me. They treat me like gold. They know my situation because I've been upfront with them about it. And my husband knows how miserable I am and that I want to leave. We're seperated. So is it cheating? Not to me. And obviously not to him because his girlfriend is the reason we're seperated.

But again, I will work on my marriage. I won't leave because of someone else. I will only leave if he refuses to fix things with me. It will be because we truly tried and couldn't work things out. Not because of HER and not because of my "friends with benefits".