Tuesday, August 15, 2006

True Wife Confession 47 Milo Rambaldi's favorite number

Confession #461

n the month and a half since we've moved, you have done the laundry once and only because I told you that you weren't getting any until you did. You did one load and left the second in the washer for over a week, a fact which I discovered this morning. So, from now on, I'm only doing my laundry.

I dislike how I have to harass you to do chores. Yes, I know you'll get to them eventually but it shouldn't take a week to wash the dishes!

One of the reasons I am so nervous about the idea of having children with you in the future is because right now, even though we only have one pet, a cat, you never ever hear her whine at night. So it's only me who ever gets up to check on her and see why she is being so annoying. If we have a baby and I am the only one who ever gets up to check on it, I swear to god I will leave you. I cannot be in a relationship where the responsibilities of child-rearing are not shared equally.

Confession #462

You're a fucker. I hate it that you say because our daughter is a lesbian that she will not be welcome in our house when she is "grown up". How do you think that will make her feel?? Do you honestly think I would not make our daughter feel welcome?! FUCKER! Remember this darling husband, YOU can be replaced, she cannot. This is my house too. Did I mention you were a fucker?

Confession #463

Tonight, when I was bent over, picking up our child's toys, and you leaned in and touched my crotch, I seriously wanted to beat the shit out of you. I'm on the rag. Don't you get it? DON'T TOUCH MY CROTCH WHEN I AM BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG. A more appropriate gesture would have been to hand me the jar of peanut butter and a large chocolate bar. Had you done that instead, you might have gotten a blow job later-instead, you get nothing. One day you might learn-but the odds aren't good.

Asking me why my period is taking so long to get over with is just dumb. You're not the one bleeding like the aforementioned stuck pig, nor do you have a sensation in your stomach much like that of an elephant sitting on your gut. You have no right to ask, because even if I wasn't on the rag, I still would not want to have sex with you tonight.

Confession # 464

When you choose to stay up until 1am watching your wrestling shit, do NOT whine and complain and be crabby to me in the morning because you're tired and have to go to work. You were stupid. Learn from your mistakes.

When I come up with a plan, you tell me it's wrong and dumb. So we do things your way. It falls apart. So you suggest the VERY method I had suggested in the first place and declare it your own idea. And I applaud you and sing your praises to your face because you are either too stupid to remember it was my idea first, or too embarrassed to admit it. So I let you go on, thinking you are the MAN when in reality I'm the brains of this operation.

Confession #465

If it weren't for me you would go to work buck naked every single day. And you would starve while you were there. And you'd walk home because you can't remember to put gas in the car or get the oil changed.

I do appreciate you taking me to a Japanese restaurant for our anniversary. I know how much you hate Asian cuisine. You even tried sushi for the first time. I know you hated most of the meal but it means so much to me that you smiled and choked down most of what was on your plate in an attempt to make my day. That was really sweet.

Confession #466

Please do not suggest that I go have some 'me time'. You only suggest this when you are gearing up for a night of playing cards with the guys and are trying to avoid the guilt trip you lay all on yourself. GO. Have fun. I don't care. I will gladly stay home, put our child to bed, and order Chinese food, since I can never get it because you hate it so much.

On my days off, as you leave for work, don't bother suggesting I 'take it easy' and try to get some rest while our daughter is at school. I know you are going to call me 10 minutes later to ask me something stupid. I know you are going to call 5 more time before lunch to ask me more dumb questions. So I just do stuff around the house because even when you're not home, I can't get a moment's peace.

Confession #467

I hate your family. Your sister is a bitch. Your mom is too needy and your father is a perv.

Confession #468

i wish just one time you would tell me I'm sexy. You tell me I look pretty.
or that this outfit looks good on me. Never once have you told me I'm sexy.
I hate that many other men tell me this all the time. And all it makes me do
is wish that it was YOU telling me that. I think you're sexy. All the time.
and I know you don't think I'm sexy. It breaks my heart. It has for years.


Confession #469

I know fabric softener makes your skin itchy. Sometimes, I use it anyway. At
first, I thought the allergy was all in your head. But interestingly enough,
you're right – fabric softener DOES make your skin itch. Every time I use
it, you complain a few days later about your skin being dry and itchy. I
feel guilty, but I really love how fluffy the towels are when I use
softener.


Confession #470

I'm so glad that after a year, you have finally made a friend at work. I'm
trying desperately not to freak out that the friend is a woman. I know she's
happily married. I know her life revolves around her newborn. I know you're
not interested in her at all. I still freak out about it a little.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

#463, Why do they do that?! My husband and I were just laughing so hard.....because after 15 years of marriage he still does this. And yes, rag or not sometimes I just want to turn around and beat the shit out of him.

Donna said...

Haha #463 cracked me up. See, my husband would love it if we just altogether lived in separate homes when it is that time of the month. I actually kinda like it that way because then he doesn't bother me or anything and I can cramp and bitch and moan in peace.

Anonymous said...

way to go, 462! Now THAT"S a mom!

Jaelithe said...

#462-- You go, girl. Parenting isn't a job you can quit. Say it to his face.

#469-- Can't you get him a couple of towels that are just his? Get them embroidered with his initials, or something? And then wash those separately, along with his clothes, without fabric softener? Then you can have your fluffy towels, and he doesn't have to itch. Just a thought. Also, you might try switching brands. Maybe there's one he isn't allergic to.

Anonymous said...

Jaelithe,
I think you're missing the point...

Julie said...

#462, you are absolutely correct. What a fucker! Even Dick Cheney supports his daughter (albeit in his special Dick Cheney way).

#463, groping, during any time of the month, is an unforgivable sin in my little universe. I just think it is so dehumanizing! Are we show poodles or something? Virtual hugs.

Anonymous said...

#461-My husband swore he never heard the baby cry at night. Wait until you become a mom. You will wake up every time that baby moves, much less cries, and your husband will be there snoring in his deep sleep. A tip: Don't be too hard on him. It's really not his fault that he's a sound sleeper. The baby might not wake him up but a smack upside the head and a stern "your turn" will.
#462-Yes, he is a fucker. You however are a mom and a hero.
#463-HA!

Bianca said...

#469
I laughed because I would do the same thing.

Jaelithe said...

Well, I know that #469 probably finds some sort of secret thrill in putting herself first by not momentarily caring that her husband is allergic to fabric softener. I just felt kind of sorry for him ;)

Jaelithe said...

I meant momentarily not caring. Heh. Whatever.

Anonymous said...

Oh, #464 cracked me up! That could be my life! Especially the "brains of this operation" part! Bravo!

Queue said...

I feel bad for fabric softner guy too, it'd be different if he was making it up in his head, but he's really not. So that is kinda F*cked up on her part.
Confession 470: I understand, mildly identify and I am proud that you know, you'd be surprised how many women don't know and freak out

Suebob said...

Yeah, normally I have sympathy for all the commenters. But 469...yeesh. Poor guy can't help it. Get him his own towels. For like $30, everyone can be happy.

Anonymous said...

#469 Did you know that fabric softener can reduce the absorbency of the towels? It coats the fibers, which makes them smell so good and feel so soft, but the coating reduces absorbency.
I will go be a geek elsewhere now.

alosha said...

#470 - tread lightly, but keep an eye out. it would freak me out too. trust your instincts.

alosha said...

#470 - tread lightly, but keep an eye out. it would freak me out too. trust your instincts.

Anonymous said...

#463...holy shit that is so my story! what the hell is it with our men?! its like they know its all gonna bother us THAT much more when its that time of the month, but yet theyre still gonna go for it..::imagining husband with electrical collar right now:::...

jenner said...

Confession #462

BRAVO! It always amazes me that even in 2006 there are people who think the way your hubby does - ESPECIALLY about his own child. Good for you. Your daughter will be that much happier being herself knowing you are in her corner.

CaliforniaStyle said...

These confessions are too funny!!!