Tuesday, August 29, 2006

True Wife Confessions Opus 59 ( Beethoven)

Confession #581

I knew about your secretly planned wedding. I’d bought the dress two months before you told me. Come on, do you really believe that I could find the perfect dress in less than a month? I had it hidden in the back of my closet.

Confession #582

I can’t tell you how many decisions I have let you believe you made yourself. I plant the idea and wait for it to sprout.

Confession #583

When you tell people that you did more work in childbirth than I did, it makes me want to punch you in the face. It isn’t even cute. Yes, I had morphine and was groggy. But I felt every damn thing. I promise you.

Confession #584

When you are away on a business trip, I sleep on your pillows so I can smell you. It helps me sleep.

Confession #585

When I had my wisdom teeth out and you took care of me? True love. Same with when I tore up my knee and you changed all the dressings. That stuff just melts me. Cause you know how much I like to be able to take care of myself, but you don’t let me.

Confession #586

I have let our daughter wake you up when you are hungover. I consider it a parental penance.

Confession #587

Just admit that you have no mechanical skills. Please. It will save us all lots of time and energy. You can’t fix a thing to save your life. Write a grant? Yes. Fix the car? Hell, no.

Confession #588

I find the cigar smoking sexy. And the port drinking. It makes you smell great.

Confession #589

Your daughter tells me the things you tell her not to tell me. There are no secrets with our child. I know about throwing the apple out the car window...and many other things.

Confession #590

I tell my girlfriends everything. Even the stuff you tell me NOT to tell them, I do. They’re my girlfriends. Sometimes we laugh at you and the other husbands. We can’t help it.


Anonymous said...

"Sometimes we laugh at you and the other husbands, we can't help it"

hahaha! too cute!

Anonymous said...


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THAT WOULD PISS ME OFF - tell him if he's so experienced in childbirth now, why doesn't HE carry & birth the next one........or suggest you help shove a melon out of his penis, just to compare notes.......LOL

Julie said...

#583: Whoa, your hubby needs one BIG boot to the head with that one! The NERVE!!! Gawd, I can think of 101 ways how his comment is NOT funny, at all. BTW, I had a morphine drip too during delivery, and that was so I wouldn't flip out while my 10.5-pound baby was threatening to BREAK MY HIPBONE. What a jerk!

Anonymous said...

I saw this comedianne who was talking about her husband complaining because he always had to carry the luggage into the hotel when they traveled. She said "I carried twins for 9 months with no help from you. I then delivered them through my vagina. So, until I see you pass a piece of luggage through your butt--you're carrying the luggage with no help from me!!!" Men just crack me up when they think they have ANY CONCEPT of what labor and delivery is like! The only thing they have that is even close is a kidney stone--maybe your husband needs one of those. They give him morphine, so maybe then he'd see how IT STILL HURTS WHEN YOU HAVE DRUGS!!

Anonymous said...

#586--I do that too! Not necessarily when he's hung over, but if he's sleeping late on Saturday and I have been up for hours fixing breakfast or doing laundry!