Saturday, August 05, 2006

True Wife Confessions 39 (Pier)

Confession #381

I desperately want to trust you, but your lies have made that very hard. I waited for her to come out of work one day, so I could see what she looks like. I even took pictures of her and followed her home, and she never had a clue. She stopped at a liquor store and started drinking before she even got home. I don't know what you see in her. She must have flattered you, because we had a good life together and you selfishly traded it for her. I saw what you wrote to her about me and it has broken my heart. You did nothing to let me know you were unhappy. How unfair of you. I thought we had a wonderful marriage and I have been cheated of it. I know you say you are done, but I can't trust you. I am a stranger in my own life.

Confession #382

You say that I have to get a job now that the kids are in school, and I
want to have a job again, a career. I know that we can't survive
financially without it. However, I've dragged my ass for a year because
I know how it will be, me going to school online full time, working 30
hours a week for shitting wages and maximum hassle, and still taking
care of the kids, house, pets and all the other details of our lives
that you never even think about. You promise that you'll help out more
when I get a job, but you promised that when I went back to school. You
don't even have the first idea how to pick up some of the things I do
around here, and you make no attempt to find out. Every time you talk
about equal rights for women and your feminist mother I laugh on the inside.

Confession #383

You think you are better than me, but you aren't. Really, I can't figure out why you feel that way. I supported you for at least 5 of our 7 years together, even when you were so scared of commitment you wouldn't even call me your girlfriend, much less propose. I paid your mortgage for two years while you slept in my bed in my home with me. You let your mother and your sister emotionally abuse me for years and did nothing to stop them because you didn't want to make waves. You are selfish and you are cruel. I may not be a gorgeous woman, but I deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

Confession #384

I hate that you make me feel like a piece of shit for practically everything I do.

I think it's crazy that if I make a mistake you never let me forget about it and act like it will happen all the time because i'm that stupid. Like the time the mortgage payment got skipped somehow and you then stopped putting money into the account because you wanted to actually write the checks out to pay some of the bills. Yet you still just hand me a pile of money and say here. Well, what the fuck you aren't doing what you say you are going to dick head!! And it was a mistake. You act like you never make mistakes. You are not god.

About money, you lived here for free right down to me paying for your car insurance for 4 years. Then we got married and I got pregnant and you wanted me to stay home yet you only give me $750 a month for the bills and I put in $1500 from my fathers estate. Then you yell at me because I use my credit cards to cover expenses sometimes. Well, what do you expect me to do, pull money out of my ass??

Confession #385

If I'm good enough to make love with you, share my home with you, and look after your children, then I should be good enough to be your wife. I'm too old to be a "girlfriend."

Confession #386

You really are a good man. You have a healthy sense of right and wrong. You're a true family man. Deep down, though, I suspect that no one else would put up with either one of us and our quirkiness. If we were married to other people, I don't think either one of us would have stayed married 15 years. I'm too quick to run my mouth and you're too quick to change your mind about stuff.

Sometimes when I am really hacked off at you, I know I stay with you because you are a good father to our kids. When you set limits with them, it's out of love. If they had a stepfather I'd never let him discipline the kids because I'd never be sure if he was doing it out of jealousy and spite or out of loving concern.

If I could change anything about you at all, it would be this: I wish you were more of a hugger and kisser and hand holder. You're romantic in your own way, but I could use a little more affection. I guess these confessions aren't really new to you. You already know how I feel.

Finally, I do want you to know that I love you and I truly hope you outlive me. I don't ever want to have to mourn you.

Confession #387

I resent a lot of things about you. For instance, I resent the fact that you are able to leave a job because you don't like it and I have to stay at mine even though I hate it. You left a job that was earning you more than enough money because it was "not for you" and took a job making much less. Now I'm stuck making up the difference in incomes at a job I HATE every day. I can't leave like you could because I don't have the person at home working her butt off to give me the leeway, like I did for you. It seems like you always end up being the person who gets to be coddled, and I'm always the one who has to "be strong". I also resent you for not being considerate enough to at least give me a chance to tell you how unhappy I am without you making it into something about YOU. (Maybe it is all about you after all. Maybe you're what's wrong with me.)

Confession #388

I secretly pray that you will cheat on me so I can leave you without being the bad guy to our kids.

Confession #389

We upload our photos to the same photo-storage site, and it disgusts me to see that you take photos of women's asses. Seriously, WTF? You see a woman walk by in tight jeans and you are compelled to take her photo without her permission? You are violating those women's privacy you big fucking pervert. And what creeps me out is that your BioDad does the same damn thing, I know because he uses the photos as his screensavers on his computer! Is this like a genetic compulsion the two of you have? Do the two of you not care at all how it makes your wives feel? Go ahead and look all you want, but don't put those photos in a folder where I can see them. Asshole.

Confession #390

I am scared to death of living the rest of my life without feeling passion, and never being in love. I feel like a friend towards you these days instead of a wife and lover. I feel like I settled for an okay relationship instead of waiting for a great one, simply because I didn't want be alone and because I knew you would never hurt me like the others had. It's not fair to you and I am sorry. You are a good man and you deserve to be loved thoroughly instead of halfheartedly.

You deserve better than me. Because if he came to me right now and said he loved me and wanted to be with me, I would go with him in a heartbeat.


Anonymous said... too

Anonymous said...

390, I know your pain...unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

390,, (comment #) ya.. I too.. Sux, eh? Great guy.. but if *HE* came back into mky life, I'd say.. BYE BYE, NOW.. Thx for being a GREAT EVRYTHING: family man, Christtian, husband, father.. but HEY.. where are the common interests and yeah, the orgasms? I miss you assHole..... it's been 2 decades and yopu have never left my mind,.... Tell me again, just WHY did we break up? Cause you were dumb and nd my hubby was/is a Saint? I forget.

Anonymous said...

I'm living're not alone. Well, sort husband isn't all that great, but still.

Anonymous said...

anonymous #1 did this happen to us all. I had no idea there were so mamny of us, in love with someone we cannot have, settles with someone good enough. My husband is a wonderful man and father, and I love him...but I am not in love with him (and I have never really felt like he is in love with me either), and have never stopped dreaming about HIM-who I was so happy with but stupidly left, thinking he would wait. I always wonder if I should have held out for love like that again, or if love like that only happens once, and my husband is the best there was besides HIM?? Anyone else??

Man, I feel so awful just writing these things, though it is cathartic.

Anonymous said...

I hear you, maybe we met our husbands at a time in our life when we were in a weak or insecure place, I dont know...Maybe we settled thinking there's noone normal left, this is as good as it gets....if we only knew then what we know now...

Anonymous said...

#389 - my husband has the same problem but it is worse... he loves fat women and feet and loves looking at them naked. He doesn't do it anymore at home but at work. And he belongs to yahoo groups that include groups in our home town but SWEARS he doesn't want to meet anymore. I don't believe him. I fucking hate him for it. Freak. Yet I look the other way? Because I don't know for a fact that he's ever cheated. I know - he cheats with his heart and it hurts just the same.

Anonymous said...

# 390 I feel like that too. Wonder how many women feel like this, cause it's a sad life to live. Not the saddest, but sad nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

To 390 and the posters above:

I’ve heard other women berate the fact that they “settled” for someone who wasn’t their “passionate lover.” And the daily death that occurs as result.

This argument carries the same weight as a man who says “when I was 18, I dated a girl who had the body of an 18 year old. Now that I have children, I’m settling for accepting a woman who doesn’t have the body of an 18 year-old. And every day, seeing 18 year old girls out and about, I realize that my wife deserves someone who appreciates a 35-year-old with stretch marks.”

The truth is, life is not a “Dynasty” re-run. Mostly, being a grown up means that not every day is a fantasy. You have responsibilities to your children and the people around you.

It’s OK to grumble here about the fact that you wish there was more excitement in your life. It’s not OK to go out and get a divorce because you think your husband deserves someone who is passionate about him. I assure you, he is reasonably satisfied and that you would not be doing him, or your children, any favors by breaking your commitments to seek some elusive- and likely unattainable- everlasting passion. You married your husband for a reason- go back and re-examine the qualities that attracted you to him in the first place.

If your life lacks excitement, take up a new sport like bull riding or skydiving.

Anonymous said...

I wrote #389, and I'd like to thank the person who commented that they understand. Fat women and FEET? I'm so sorry.

We went to the mall tonight, and I come out of the restroom after changing the baby's diaper, and he is standing there looking at his camera and chuckling. "Look", he says, "I got busted." And he shows me the photo, and it's of a pretty young woman wearing a low-cut tank top, looking PISSED. He says "I took her photo, and she saw me and she was NOT HAPPY."

Well what the fuck did you think would happen?? Just because a woman goes to the mall in a tank top doesn't mean she is a piece of MEAT you ass. And why show me the photo? Are you trying in a passive-aggressive way to tell me that you wish I looked like that? Do you think that woman has had as many children as I have?

I hope one day that a woman who's photo he has taken gets her boyfriend to punch his face in. Seriously. Maybe then he'll reconsider what he's doing.

Anonymous said...

poster about 390:

It is not about wanting is about having been in love before, and settling for less than that when we married for some reason (maybe thinking adult love couldn't be like that, or it would grow, or love like that could not come twice in a lifetime and we already lost it).

I am not an immature excitement seeker and I am well aware that love that is passionate and exciting as my first does not stay like that forever. I am also aware that there are mature married couples who are still crazy about one another, who still light up when they see one another and find a million little ways to show their love every day. I am not in one of those marriages because I did not marry a man that I wa sin love with or that wa sin love with me. I did not knwo at the time I was settling...I thought it was simply unrealistic of me to expect fireworks twice, and that this was what grown-up love was like, and real grown up love was never passionate and exciting and giddy. I was wrong. I have never considered divorcing because of it, my life is happy and stable. But I do sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had waiting to be full out crazy in love again...maybe I would be alone and it never would have happened. But this is a place to vent and share secrets...and that is mine.

Anonymous said...

#390 breaks my heart because my best friend is in exactly the same kind of relationship. We're talking having sex maybe twice in the last six years. Yeah, she made her choices, and yeah she has to live with them, and yeah they promised for better or worse, but who knew that would mean being roommates for the rest of their lives? I respect her for staying, but I just feel so bad for her sometimes.

Anonymous said...

#381 - I've been there. If you want to email me, I do understand.

Anonymous said...
for the military families

Anonymous said...

I think in some states, filming or photographing people without their knowledge might be illegal. I don't know if that will have any affect on your husband, but maybe you want to research and see if your state has laws like that.

Maybe one of these days someone will catch him at his game and punch him in the nose. Or contact security and have him hauled out. Maybe that will wake him up. I'm sorry. :-(

Anonymous said...

I was anonymous # 1 commenter.. I want to say that I am not taking up BULLriding.. or whatever that BS comment was. I let thye love of my life go cuz... Hell, I dont know.. prolly cause he ended it w/ me first.. and prolly cause I hate to "lose" ya know? But... he was dumb.. and there were Huge signs that I was bored.. And I am married to a great man (hey he stuck by me thru this torrid affair.. YUP.. and I could go on, but I will say that we (my husband) and I have mucho sex... goes thru periods.. like all I guess.. but this man.. THIS MAN... who I think about every day.. the one from 20 years ago.. Vaginal Orgasm.. ever had one? I bet most women haven't.. clitoral Os are more common.. well, when I think about that, and think about our own "private" made up language.. and some thriller activities we had.. well, I KNOW there COULD be more to THIS marriage.. but hey, I can always try Harder.. but he is Perfect. And i do mean PERFECT.. and that's kinda defeating (and defacating) in itself

Anonymous said...

389- your husband is stalking these women. It may not seem like something as harsh as stalking, but it is. He could get into serious trouble for this, especially if he "accidently" snaps a pic of an underage girl that he thought was legal. I'm sad that woman didn't get security or call the cops. He needs a harsh dose of reality.


Could you start snapping pics of guys? Their asses and crotches? And drool all over them and show them to your husband? If he isn't a violent guy and wouldn't beat you senseless, maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine.


Maybe you need to sneak a pic of him naked and post it all over the internet, along with personal details. Have him stumble across it one day and see how he feels.

I feel for you. He's not being fair to you. Especially if you have asked him repeatedly to stop.

Anonymous said...

you messed up with the in laws and now the husband. isn't there anybody you can get along with??

Anonymous said...

I am another woman in the position of 390. I might have even written it. When the man that I long for walked away many years ago, I waited for him. My heart was broken. He wasn't ready. We were too young. I understood all of that. I promised myself I would never allow me to feel that MUCH again. So, when Imet the man who is now my husband, I chose him from a very different standpoint. Would he hurt me? Would he provide? Would he be a good father?

What was missing in that equation was passion. I did not then, nor do now feel Passionate about him.

Is he a good husband? Yes. A good father? Yes. Does my heart skip when he touches me? No - never. Does he understand me the way the other man does? Not really. Am I in contact with the other man after 16 years? Yes. Does my heart skip a beat when I get an email from him? Absolutely.

It isn't as if I expected a grand passion in my marriage. I intentionally chose to Not have that, out of fear of being hurt. I was very realistic when I approached marriage. I made my choice. I chose stability and companionship. I never thought I might regret that choice. However, the older I get, the more I long for some passion - some spark.

And yes, he and I have talked about this, but he doesn't understand what I am saying to him. That I need him to be a lover to me, not just a husband.

Would I leave for the other man? I don't know, but it has crossed my mind.

Anonymous said...

The anonymous poster at 11:55 P.M. has to be Kevin! Can't bullshit a bullshitter Kevin! So screw you and the BULL(SHIT!) you rode in on!

Anonymous said...

1:18, how I feel EXACTLY. My story to a T, except for me it has been 10 years since we broke up...i left...he left..

Hugs, anonymous 1:00pm and 7:58am.

Anonymous said... are me!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I thought i was so alone in feeling the way i do about the choice i made with my marriage, and my feelings about my husband (or lack thereof). Thank goodness for this site.
And yes, anyone who sounds as assanine as 11:55 does HAS to be Kevin...

Anonymous said...


I wrote #390, and I am stunned at how many of you understood what I was saying and feel the same way.

I'm not saying I don't love the man and I'm not saying I'm leaving him. He thinks our relationship is the best ever and says he wouldn't change a thing. He's stayed with me for 12 years through a lot of bad things, and I know he loves me. That's why I'm still here.

I'm only 31 years old and I see the years stretching out in front of me--not living, not enjoying, just existing. It's scary and I was just thinking about things in my life that I need to change to be happy again.

BTW, I am not in contact with the ex and I won't be. I still think of him, but strictly as a fantasy where he realizes how stupid he was to let me go and he's never forgotten know.

Anonymous said...

I've asked my husband before if he doesn't think it is illegal to take a person's photo without their permission, and then he gets mad and says he isn't hurting anyone. I've asked him how he would feel if he knew people were taking photos of me like that and he says "well, you're hot, they should take your photo".

He just doesn't get it. At all.

Anonymous said...

#390 and all who may think everything would have been different with "the man you're supposed to be with." But after a few years, chances are you would feel the same way about them as you do your current husbands.

Anonymous said...

A warning to the 390's...I married the man I felt passionate about and loved and thought was my soul mate. He is inconsiderate, selfish, was a financial burden for most of our 13 years together and saw nothing wrong with me working all day then doing all the housework, dragging my ass home around the same time he was dragging his out of bed, was a complete slob who never picked up after himself, had poor hygiene, and was just as selfish in bed as he was out of it. And HE left ME! For a young girl.
I've come to realize that just because you have great chemistry with someone doesn't mean you should be together.

Anonymous said...

To all the 390 women:

I can't help but to wonder how much of what you're feeling is the "grass is greener on the other side" thing.

When I'm having trouble with my man, I feel quite a bit of melancholy for my ex and I attribute it to having better chemistry with the ex, but, if I'm completely honest with myself, I know that is not the case because my ex is a selfish bastard.

What I remember about my ex, particularly when I'm mad at my husband are the good parts my relationship with my ex - the deep conversations, the excitement, the intimacy, but during these times I'm not going to recall the times when he stood me up or when he got someone else pregnant.

When you spend day in and day out with a person, it's reality and you see the very good and very bad in them. The ex has the very bad days too. He farts, his breath stinks, he wants sex at the most inopportune times. You just don't see it because you are not living with it daily.

I'd rather live with my husband in reality - both the good times and bad then live in a fantasy world with anyone else.

Anonymous said...

Everyones situation is different. My ex was not, and is not, an asshole. In addition to the passion and spark between us, he was also a very good guy. He did not cheat on me, he did not beat me, and he was kind and sensative and supportive. I made a selfish decision, and lost him because of it. We are still in touch (minimally) rnough for me to know he is a good husband and father.

It is not always the case that "mr passion" is also "mr jerk". I wish he was, it would make it easier.

I am not in a bad marriage now, and I don't think the grass is greener. I just think that I never got over my first love, and I wish I had waited to be with someone I had that same kind of chemitry with. I tell myself the spoark would be gone by now anyways...but realiuty is that I know many couple married far longer than me that still have that spark, and we don't because we never did. I married safe, kind and stable...but no spark. My ex was safe kind and stable with spark...I wish I had held out for that.

1:00, 9:03, 7:58 and 4:30.

Anonymous said...

Right there with you 390. Its not a case of the grass is greener, its not a case of time would make it different. Trust me, its been 7 long years, and I still have that feeling for him. I had it the first day I met him and I will have it until the day I die.

I moved on when he chose someone else, and I got married to someone else I loved but not in the same way. He has been a good father, but not such a good husband. He has his moments when I think I will stay forever just like my vows said, then he has his moments when hes went too far and he hits me then makes excuses or he puts me down and then laughs. I still stay because of my vows.

And everynight when I go to sleep "He" fills my thoughts, every morning when I wake up his name is on my lips. And when I think of running away, its his arms I want to run too.

Until youve been there. Dont judge.

Anonymous said...


Please. do not stay with someone that hits you. He is not a good husband or a good father if he hits you. Witnessing violence is as bad for kids as being victims of violence. Please, please get out. Find Mr. single...whatever it takes. Don't be a victim and don't be a statistic.

anon 1:00, 9:03, 7:58. 4:30, 8:36

Anonymous said...

10:54 Its been about a year since the last time and never in front of the kids. No Im not stupid enough to believe it doesnt have an impact on them. Sometimes I just think its been so long since the last time, maybe it wont happen again.


Anonymous said...

390 - Is it possible to get that spark or passion back? I am 25 years old and have only been married for 2 years and I love my husband, but I don't know what happened to that spark. :(

Anonymous said...

9:09, I don't think you are stupid. Even if it is never in front of your kids, it dos have and impact, and as they get older they wont be ignirant of it forever. You KNOW he'll do it again one day...and eventually episodes will get closer together and worse, not the opposite. That is just the cycle.

Good father's do not abuse their children's mothers.

This is not aobut you being stupid, lots of smart women stay in abusive relationships. It is the cycle...and I know it is very hard to break...and I hope you do.

Anonymous said...

5:23- I believe its all a choice. You choose to wake up in the morning and make the best of the situation. You CAN do things to make things better or more passionate, if the passion was once there. If you once had that passion & desire with your husband, then yes it can be there again. You just have to want it, he has to want it and you have to work at it.

Anonymous said...

387. Just find a new job, without discussing with him first. If he can do it, why can't you?.

Anonymous said...

390 - me too, me too, me too. To all of the 390 empathisers - can we start a Yahoo! group or something? This is such a relief, to find people who can relate! I usually feel like no one understands me.

I, too, had been hurt in previous relationships and vowed to take a different approach. I "chose" to start dating my now husband b/c I knew, through mutual friends, that he was a "good guy". My biggest thing at the time was "no cheating". And in the 8 years we've been together and 6 years of marriage, there has been no cheating.

But there were some surprises. A huge lack in ambition - which was a real shock. A level of immaturity that I had not seen. A lack of intelligence that was a devastating blow.

Couple those with things I already knew: kinda corny, a so-so lover, etc. ... and after 6 years of marriage, we are even less than roommates because we're not even buddies. We're not even real friends. We are partners in raising our children, that's it.

I don't want to live like this, and I don't know how to make it better. I would like to make it work - especially for the sake of our children - but I have lost all respect for this man. How do I unscramble the egg?