Monday, October 30, 2006

True Wife Confessions 107 Feast

Confession #1061

OK~Here's the thing:
I love you so much baby but I swear sometimes you are the neediest man alive. You can't give me 1 hour of peace when I watch Grey's Anatomy because "I need to feel like the most important thing". GIVE ME AN HOUR OF QUIET WITHOUT YOU ASKING ME "WHAT'S THE LAST MOVIE WE WATCHED SO I CAN BUY THE SOUNDTRACK?" CRAP! I swear!!!!!!!!!!! I know you work while I'm finishing my Masters but what is going to happen when I work, too? What do you do for me? Nothing....you work and bring home money, which pays the bills AND I'M GRATEFUL FOR THAT but what do YOU DO for me? When was the last time you cleaned the house for me? When was the last time you cooked supper for me? When was the last time you picked up your shit and put it in the laundry? WHEN???? You can't tell me, can you? You work and come home and EVERYTHING ELSE is taken care of for you!!!! I'm sick of it.


Confession #1062

I enjoy sex more when you shave. You enjoy sex more when I enjoy sex more.
We are both fully aware of this simple equation.
What I don't understand is why it's not motivation enough to make you shave every day. Or at least once a week.

Confession #1063

Do you think I am naive? Hopefully by now you've realized that I most certainly am not. Your friendship is pissing me the fuck off. But I sit back and I keep it bottled up inside because I have guy friends of my own and I can't be a hypocrite, my pride won't let me. Difference between my guy friends and you girl friend - we don't want to fuck each other. Right here is the only place I can set my pride aside and say this friendship of yours is absolute 100% bullshit.

You think I don't notice how giddy the two of you get when you're around one another? I know how you are - you've been the same way with me. I know how she is - because I know HER! You know what else I know? I know you know it bothers me. Yep, you know damn good and well that it hurts, and that's the one thing you promised you would never do. Problem is, I can't tell you these things. I don't know how. So I sit here and type out the words, hoping it will make me feel better. I hope it does, or some day who knows what will happen.

I am asking you to please stop hurting me. If it means you are looking at an ultimatum, so be it. Hurt me now and pick her than allow me to hate you later because you've fucked her. Maybe you already have and I just won't let myself believe it. Wow. Maybe you already have. Holy....shit.

Confession #1064

I love you even though you are married to someone else. I love you even though you're not always nice to me. I love you even though I know the odds are not in our favor. I love you even though you didn't, and won't, choose me. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe, and accept, that after not believing in love, or soul mates that I found both in you but will never get to live out my life as I should. With you. At this point I think that if you are ever free from the obligations of your current life, wherever we both are, we'll end up together. Because as much as you might roll your eyes and be cynical about the prospect of happiness, you know that we belong together. No matter what, I will never be sorry that I met or fell in love with you, because even with the hurt, it has been wonderful to know that I could feel that way again; that I could have that kind of connection. Because of you, I will always believe that love is the answer.

Confession #1065

Why am I fantasizing about my friends?

Confession #1066

There are so many wonderful things about you that I feel a little odd
about bitching about this one, but. . .

It's really getting on my nerves that you make commitments and plans
and just simply tell me about them, rather than checking to see if
maybe I have plans or have something I might need to do. I have to
always check with you about things I want to do without our children,
wonderful though they are, before I plan them to see if you'll be
available. It seems rather unfair and it's starting to piss me off. I
know that your work has "all the time" hours, your job is like that
and I'm fine with that. But going to do extra things without at least
a conversation about it feels more and more like an imposition on me
and the things I might want to do. I end up having to run hither,
thither and yon on my lunch hour and when it takes forever to actually
get to where I can do the things that need or that I want doing, I can
really only do one thing during lunch. And if I don't do it then, I
have to take the kids -- which makes everything take about twice as
long and about 10 times more complicated.

I hope my view of this is simply skewed and it's not really as bad as
it's becoming in my mind.

Confession #1067

I wish it was better, instead of longer.

Confession #1068

You question me about how much money I spend, and yet when I suggest that I get a part time job, you tell me it isn't worth my time.

I'm applying anyway, even knowing you will be pissed, cause I have to do something for me - have MY money, my friends, my world. The world of "YOU" is killing me, in every way. I never would have expected this from you, and it disappoints me.

Confession #1069

When I come home from fucking him the whole afternoon, I don't feel any guilt what so ever.

Confession #1070

When things exploded with him, they exploded. I escaped with the two children, and the relief I felt was similar to that a woman feels when she stops banging her head against a wall. I always had to do it all with him. I was his nanny, maid, accountant, petsitter--you name it. Worn to the bone, I collapsed every night feeling depressed and worthless. And he was always there to remind me of exactly how fat, ugly, and stupid I was. He drank, got stoned, avoided his kids, avoided me as much as he could. I cannot even describe the hell that it was, and I'm not even sure how I managed. I guess having to make sure the kids were ok kept me afloat.

For the longest time, I thought that perhaps he'd get better...I didn't remember him being like that when we married, or even before we had the kids. What happened?

Words echo in my head from my ex-husband...foul things he called me for no reason other than such incidents as me using the automatic ice maker when he rounded the corner on the cordless phone (it made the work answering machine messages he was collecting seem not so clear). I remember when I had given birth to our wonderful son, and four months later I had already managed to get down to 115 lbs as a 5'2" woman...yet he screamed at me until his veins popped out of his head that I was soooo fat. Why did I do it all? Why did I listen? Why did I believe? And then when I told him that I was going to divorce him, I will never forget the first words out of his mouth: "Who will do my laundry?"

After 10 years of marriage, he couldn't even remember what color my eyes were.

And then you came along.

I chased you off. I told you that one bad marriage was enough. I told you I'd never trust again, love again, nor risk anything again. I told you that my children came first, and for God's sake, go the hell back to France and leave me alone.

You went back to France and asked your best friend to be your best man at your wedding because you had met the woman of your dreams.

And for a year you waited, patiently. You tried to help me lug my emotional baggage rather than left me with it. We started to date. You were romantic, sweet, kind. You treated my children as if they were your own. My sister, who has hated every single man I ever dated, loved you to death. My friends asked if they could clone you.

I didn't realize marriage could be any other way than bad. I have heard my friends bitch about their situations, and I know that my own circumstance was not unique. Yet, what you've taught me is that there are good men in the world...and there are good marriages. I just needed to look a little harder.

I get flowers, chocolates, love notes, nightly massages...you walk in the house and immediately decide to take out the trash, mop, and vacuum. When both kids need something at the same time, you grab one, knowing that I'll take care of the other. My children call you daddy, and they prefer being with you than their own father. You have a good heart, and you are always patient and kind when I have to deal with my ex. When I decide to use my time to help another, you jump right in and help the other person too. If all French men were like you, I'd make all my single girlfriends buy tickets to Paris! You help me, you love me, and you are the least selfish person I know.

Thank you for showing me that not all husbands are selfish and mean. Thank you for showing me what love really is...and most importantly, thank you for showing my kids EXACTLY what they too deserve in a relationship one day.

Je t'aime...

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I swear that #1064 could have been written by me...I almost started crying when I read it...please don't give up on love...if it is meant to be, you will be together. I believe that, and it is the only thing that gets me through the days and nights.

Anonymous said...

Dear 1070, I am so very very happy for you & your French homme & your kids and y'know what just reading your confession has brightened my day, yahoo for love, yahoo for you!

Anonymous said...

"Je t'aime" indeed! It is almost enough to make me buy a plane ticket to France! Congratulations, you deserve the happiness that you have now.

Anonymous said...

1064:

He married someone else instead of choosing you, isn't always nice to you...he's not your soul mate.

It's just zsa zsa zsu. You can have it with anyone, even someone totally wrong for you. My ex-husband and I had major ZZZ, and he was an utter shit.

Anonymous said...

#1062 - Amen sister! My husband grows an extraordinarily thick beard very quickly. He only shaves about every ten days or so. You'd think he'd get the hint when our 2 yo dd doesn't want his kisses. No one likes whisker burn--especially not where I get it when we have sex.

#1066 - I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in that situation. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've had to cancel plans because dh wasn't going to be home. He's never once had to cancel or decline plans because of me. Not really fair. It's gonna change. Soon.

Julie said...

#1062: Assuming you mean his face, I'm totally feeling ya. Chafing sucks!

#1070: Sniff, sniff...what a beautiful story!!! I'm so happy for you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks 1070. I'm feeling a little cynical and pessimistic about finding somebody else someday when I'm emotionally over my train wreck, and you gave me some hope. :)

1062 said...

Hahaha, yes, I mean his face. Glad to know I'm not the only one!

Anonymous said...

Does 1065 mean she is fantasizing about her male friends or female friends?

Confession 990 said...

1066, I know exactly how you feel. I'm #990, and I found it hard to make that confession as well because my husband is wonderful in so many other ways (cleans our house, cooks, is affectionate and my best friend). But you know, feeling like his schedule trumps mine all the time, well it's trying after a long time. And it's frustrating.

Since I posted that, I've tried telling him that he needs to check with me first, that I'm not his Beck and Call Girl anymore. It's been getting better. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

1070: Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me see more clearly what I need to do.

Anonymous said...

#1063... he already has. I'm sorry, but I was sitting right there, where you are, writing what could have been the same thing...and mine already had, several times.

Anonymous said...

#1066, I think we are married to the same man. Never a thought about me or if I have plans.

Anonymous said...

1064 soudns like a high school student who has a crush on a teacher.....

Anonymous said...

1070 - THanks! I needed to hear that. I'm the one who's husband yelled at her in labor, allowed the dog in bed during sex, husband regularly accuses me of cheating, and who's husband doubts his kids paternity.

It is great to hear that there are wonderful men out there.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had a man like 1070.

Anonymous said...

#1063~
This is very hard for me to write because by all accounts of your story, I am you. My husband supposedly gave up his "friend" a few months ago. I still don't believe it. Now, last week, I discovered an email account that I didn't know about and he has himself signed up on all sorts of Dating sites. He does this while I am in bed. He even has himself listed as divorced with no children. We have two beautiful children and we are not divorced. He doesn't know that I know yet because I am finding new things everyday and I am just collecting it. I wish that this wasn't happening to you just as much as I wish it wasn't happening to me.

I am #1070 said...

Thank you, everyone! I wish everybody here to be as happy as I am now. Nearly all the women who post here sure as heck have EARNED a man like my wonderful husband (just like I tease him myself that I earned him after what I already went through!).

Anonymous said...

#1066: Me too. I have told him and he does try. But I feel as if I need to make all my plans two months ahead to make sure he doesn't fill in all the free time.

I've started making up things i have to do just to make him cancel his plans for once. And it's helped.

He isn't trying to be an asshole, it's just that our lives are skewed to work this way. I work from home, have been the stay at home parent. He's out of the house all day and just needs coaxing to remember we're sharing the weekend andn evening duties.

Anonymous said...

1062 - You are petty. Get over yourself.