Tuesday, October 24, 2006

True Wife Confessions 102 River

Confession #1011

Yes, I know I volunteer more than I should. I know I work more than I should. I know that I spend more time on schoolwork than I should. But when I say I'm feeling overwhelmed, what I want you to do is help me out more, not explain to me how to fix it. I don't want you to tell me that I need to stop taking on so many tasks. I KNOW that. I just want you to load the dishwasher, and I'm leading up to that. But before I say, "Could you please load the dishwasher?" you try to tell me how I need to slow down.

I just want you to load the dishwasher. Okay? Not tell me how to fix things.

Confession #1012

To my soon to be ex-husband:
Not only did I get sole custody of our two children, I got all the child support money I asked for, medical reimbursement, and NO visitation from their sorry excuse for a father in the Parenting Plan! You, who said "you'll never take my kids away from me"... I'm glad, now, that you left us with nothing, moved 1200 miles away (back to mommy), and have not contacted us.
When the IRS comes knocking on your dad's door for not paying taxes for the last 10 years or so.... think of me -- he shouldn't be paying your sorry a$$ under the table while your children get nothing!
I can't wait to be rid of you totally! 2007 is my year, baby!

Confession #1013

I hate that you don't brush your teeth or shower everyday
but I love that you always put the toilet seat down.

I hate that you use your eczema as an excuse not to wash up
but I love that you cook dinner 3 times a week.

I hate that I have to nag you to rake the yard
but I love that you always put the garbage out every week.

I hate that you spend hours on the computer
but I love that you always offer it up to me when I'm around.

I hate that you make me ring up to schedule your doctor and dentist
but I love that you will drive me anywhere I need to go.

I hate that your answer to my not wanting to try anal sex was "why? it's
just like having a poop"
but I love what you do to me with your fingers.

I hate that I have to nag at you to dress up for YOUR family get-togethers
but I love your new hair style.

I hate that you leave your coffee cups lying around
but I love that you don't mind when I'm having a lazy day and the housework
isn't done.

I love you
but I am in love with him

Confession #1014

I want all of you, your entire heart, body and soul. We're both so much closer than we have been in years, but there is still a little space between us, and I want to close that last little distance.

I don't want to leave again. I'm scared of the unknown, afraid of all the danger over there, scared of losing you again, scared of ..... just don't know how to say it all.

You are who I want and who I long for when I'm alone. It has to be hard for you to trust that this is all real, and to make yourself open and vulnerable to me, but I hope you will see that I'm trying to be the person I should have been long ago. You and 'that guy' are my family, and that's all I need in life.

Talk with me, help me understand you even more. Trust me. Love me. Be honest with me. Remember me when I'm gone, never forget me if...

Every now and then you relax or forget all the bad stuff and I get to see your heart shining through, and it is so very beautiful, it overwhelms me.

I'm glad I came home.

Confession #1015

When you "babysit" (as you like to call it) our son on the two days a week that I work, could you please, please, please just clean up his toys. When I get home the last thing in the world that I want to worry about is tripping over them. It takes 15 seconds. And another thing, please stop referring to spending time alone with your son as babysitting. How ridiculous would it sound if I went around seven days a week saying I was "babysitting" my own son? Oh, and just one more thing. Our son is teething right now. When you use a teether from the refrigerator, and he is finished with it, when you get a new one out, put the other one back in so that in the morning when I wake up with him and he is screaming because his gums hurt I have something cold to give him to chew on.

Confession #1016

To my ex (boyfriend):

To this day, I don't know what you were thinking. When you came up to
me as a leader at a CHURCH function and said "Hey, cutie, how are
you?" And I was 14. You were 23. I didn't even like you at first,
but with the lack of any fatherly influence in my life, I can now see
how my environment made you more attractive over time. It took a year
for you to kiss me (my first kiss). You called me and said that we
couldn't be together because of the age thing. I said fine. But you
kept coming after me and flirting: touching my waist, winking, giving
kisses on the cheek--all hidden, by necessity. Of course it was
flattering--You were handsome, a college graduate, could buy me things
that boys my age could not. But if I knew then what I know now, I
would have run despite my need for acceptance.

Eventually we hung out all the time, with the same group of friends.
But you thought of ways to be with me alone: driving me home, lying to
everyone else about where we were. And eventually I started doing it
too. I'm still angry at myself for lying for all those years to the
people I loved. I wasted my entire high school experience on you; I
didn't get to be an adolescent. You were wonderful to me sometimes,
but you became more and more pushy and forceful. You nagged and
nagged and begged and whined until I gave in to you one compromise at
a time. Sometimes, when we were messing around, I was still saying no
throughout it. I was trying to be the adult, and do the right thing.
I see now how wrong you were, but then I just felt dirty and guilty
and used. Even when you started being abusive (grabbing me,
occasionally throwing something at me if you were angry, and
commenting about how my size 6 jeans were looking tight and was I
gaining weight?) I thought I had to stay because no one would ever
want me after what you did and said.

I also had anger toward everyone else. Why did my mom and step dad
let you hang around, even staying the night (on the couch) sometimes?
Why did your roommate, a pastor, not ever ask why you had a 16 year old
girl in your room all the time? Why did no one confront me? I
realize now that I so desperately wanted to be caught, to have someone
care enough to stop me. People trusted me too much. In every other
area, I was the "perfect" child, student, friend.

I thank God every day that I finally came to my senses and left you,
and didn't come back when you begged for the next 6 months because
then I was finally 18 and we could be together and be legal. Too
late. I figured out that I deserved way better than you. I think you
figured that out too.

I have moved on and through the years learned to forgive both myself
and you for our wrong decisions. Somedays, though, it's like I'm
still that scared child; I have to shake it off. I hope you don't
treat your wife this way now (she's my age...9 years younger, and you
chose her because she was easy and you finally figured out I wasn't
taking you back). Most of all, I feel sorry that my
wonderful-and-exactly-the-opposite-of-you-husband has had to deal with
my emotional baggage, none of which is his fault.

Confession #1017

I know you were a little surprised that I didn’t want to take your name. I diplomatically explained that it had nothing to do with my level of commitment to you, or any negativity about your name—it was basically a business decision as I’m professionally well known under my own name and I didn’t want to confuse people. Your family was disappointed too but you stuck up for me even though you weren’t completely happy with my decision yourself. Your family has been very respectful of my wishes and I love them for it, and so much else. All in all it went fine, and the only person who can’t get it right is my own grandmother.

So why does it bug me when people make mistakes about it and call me be your last name? You’d think I would be able to gracefully shrug it off, considering I really am proud to be married to you and I love feeling like part of your family in addition to my own.

Some part of me is just still angry that I ever have to have the conversation. That everyone, in this day and age, seeing an independent and professional woman get married, was surprised that I would “refuse” the “honour” of taking your name. What?!?

Why on earth would I take your name? I have my own name. Sure, like a lot of people I got my original last name from my father and not from my mother—but I kept it that way because that’s how I feel about it—I’m a descendant of my father’s family in appearance, temperament, and love, while my mother’s family is weird and awful and if I had somehow been given their name I would have changed it.

Names are powerful. My name is the word that means me. And the bottom line is, the meaning of me has not been changed by marriage to you. Nor should it be.

Confession #1018

You had better appreciate this Brazilian wax and give me some amazing oral, cause this shit HURT.

Confession #1019

I hate that you seem to be incapable of changing
the toilet paper roll. It really isn't that
hard, and you should try it sometime. When I
asked you if you needed me to show you how, I
really wasn't kidding. Change the roll! I
love you, but I absolutely despise sharing a
bathroom with you.

Confession #1020

After I had our baby you pushed for sex as soon as the
OB gave the OK, then you made me feel like shit when
it hurt and I told you my body wasn't ready. You told
me something was wrong and I should go back to the
doctor. Anytime I offered an alternative to sex, you
blew it off, stating it wasn't The Real Thing. You
know what, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I
was trying to make you happy and trying to keep the
peace. Way to go champ, you made me feel like a piece
of crap during one of the worst parts of my life. As
if adjusting to being a new mom and trying to balance
baby, marriage, and work wasn't enough stress.

Months later you complained that our intimate life
wasn't what it used to be. Never mind that I was
exhausted from being a mom and working full time. You
mentioned how one of your good friends likes it
several times a week. What was I supposed to say? It
hasn't kept her husband from cheating and threatening
her with divorce. Was I supposed to give my blessing
for you to hook up with her since I wasn't cutting it?

When I responded that I still wasn't over the way you
treated me months before, you told me I needed
counseling. Way to kick a girl when she's down. Make
her feel even worse about herself. I told you I
wasn't comfortable with the idea and I didn't know how
we'd find the time and money. That was true. But
there was one more part. I'm afraid if I tell a
counsellor how much anger and resentment toward you I
have buried away, she'll tell me what I've been
wondering all this time: that maybe I'd be happier
without you. I don't want to go there. I don't think
you do either.


Anonymous said...

1018, ROTFLOL!!!! Truer words were never spoken, Sister!

Anonymous said...



Julie said...

#1017, I totally feel your pain! Every time someone refers to me as "Mrs. So-and-so" my nerve endings ignite. I chose not to change my name as well, because my own name reflects my ethnicity (my husband's name is as Anglo as can be), my own personal history, and is just...me!

My in-laws sniffed at my decision, with the same insinuation that it was an "honor" to take on my husband's name. Like, hello! They're not the Einsteins or Rockefellers or anything.

It's funny what kind of anachronistic baggage surfaces after marriage (and especially after grandchildren are born). Do you have kids? How did you guys decide on their last names? Our son has his father's last name, but his middle name is Korean (given by my dad according to our family pattern, which is not normally done from the mother's (my) side). I considered that an acceptable compromise.

Anonymous said...

Argggg!! I HATE those long ass confessions!!

Anonymous said...

Maybe she needed to vent. Is that not what the site is for?

Anonymous said...

If you don't like them, no one said you had to read them!

I'm sure there are quite a few more of us who don't mind.

Anonymous said...

1017 here. Julie, I think that's a lovely choice for your child's name.

I don't have kids but if/when I do, my husband and I have tossed around a few funny options (giving them a mishmash of our two names; giving them the name of whichever family they most physically resemble... although I'm pretty sure that would be mine because the brown eye gene always trumps blue, right?)

Each of our families have a long history in their regions... not Rockefellers, as you say, but there are large family plots in the cemetery, and there's also historic property to be passed down. We've also talked about letting the kids choose at a given age, knowing that they'll have their own identification more with one side or the other. Of course that way lies hurt grandparental feelings.

Most realistic so far: if we have a boy, his first & middle name are after my favourite granddad, and his last name is my husband's. If we have a girl, she gets his aunt's first name, his mom's middle name, and my last name. If we have two kids, and their teachers wonder why they don't have the same name, well.... I haven't got that far!

Anonymous said...

1017 - You'd think that brown eyes always win over blue, but that's not the case with my gorgeous blue-eyed daughter (I'm blue, DH is brown). Another interesting genetic tidbit: two left-handed people only have a 40% chance of having a left-handed child. This also happened to us. Genetics are a crap shoot, so be prepared to be surprised when your future child is born!

Anonymous said...

What does DH stand for? I've seen it many times and can't figure it out.

Anonymous said...

5:13: that's just it -- it's not called True Wife Venting. Thanks for making my point.

Anonymous said...

DH stands for "Dear Husband." Or, "Damn Husband," depending on the confession. ;)

Anonymous said...

9:48--So people should only confess things when they are the proper length to suit you? Maybe you could leave parameters, just so we can all keep in line with what's appropriate.

Anonymous said...

1020 I don't know any woman who's been ready to have sex when the OB said "Okay, go for it" at six weeks. I know I wasn't. In fact, it was kind of funny. My husband and I were sitting there and the OB said "You can resume all your normal activities, including sexual relations" and together we said "Thank god! Now I can finally" and he said "have sex again" and I said "vaccum the damn house again!" Then we both looked at each other like the other person had grown two heads. What IS it with men that they can even THINK about sex when they haven't had two hours of sleep in a row? WTF is up with that!? Anyway, I don't have a solution for you. My baby's almost two, and my sex drive still isn't what it was before. My husband isn't happy with it, but he's trying to deal. Just know that you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

4:25/9:48, I don't understand the problem. If you don't want to read the long confessions just don't read them. Why bother to even comment on the fact that you don't like them? Unless you just felt like venting.

Julie said...

Hey #1017, thanks so much for replying! It sounds like your situation is just begging for the 4-part name, which I see more often nowadays, usually of the pattern:

First Middle MommyLast DaddyLast

It's reminiscent of the Spanish/Latin American naming convention, and once you get over the sheer length, it seems like the most fair. Again, not an option for us, as my husband's and my last names sound ridiculous together, having originated from very different continents. Anyway, I'm sure you can see the potential landmines in all this, argh argh argh! Navigating family politics is not easy!

Best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

Hi 1017 & Julie,

I'm not married so don't share a name with my partner. Even if we were married I would keep my name, it's a no brainer to me.
When we had our son it caused some problems, I saw no reason why the child I carried and birthed should automatically have his last name - I still don't but I agreed to it, you have to pick your battles and all that. My son has my last name as his middle name, I had to fight that battle but there was no way I was going to give that up.

So our solution for our current and any future children is:

First Mumlast Dadlast.

Yes all of the kids will have the same middle name, if I'd had my way completely, girl children would get my last name, boy children his.

Anonymous said...

1018, I have a feeling I know who you are...seems I just read a blog entry somewhere else about a painful Brazillian wax...hehe

Anonymous said...

11:28, why do YOU feel the need to respond to my 7 words? Chill out, contol freak.