Saturday, October 07, 2006

True Wife Confessions 89 Percent more truthiness

Confession #881

Every moment that I spend with you I feel a small piece of me die. Every single time you look at me with blank eyes devoid of emotion and love, every time you ignore me, everyday we go without talking, every time you refuse to show me even the smallest bit of intimacy---I die. It is a slow death. A painful death. Much worse than any I could imagine. It leaves me angry. It leaves me wondering when it will be my turn for love. Left by my parents, unloved by spouse. My own personal hell.

Confession #882

I know you think my brother is a sleazy, no-good dropout, but he's still my brother, my family. You were so mad when you found out that I bought him a bit of groceries - I don't give him money or buy him cigarettes, I just buy him a bit of food sometimes. I really don't understand how you can be such an ass to insist that he must fend for himself. He made a choice to live on his own, but I don't think that means that we can let him starve. Now I sneak him groceries - I shop when I'm at work and take them to him when I go out in the evening. It's not worth the fight and you being mad at me for days, so I just don't tell you.
Also, that extra food that you found in the car last week? - I didn't forget to bring it in, it was for him.


Confession #883

Every time your mother visits I realize that you are so much more than how you were raised. Yeah, you have some mildly annoying habits. But compared to her they are nothing. I don't know how you stood it all these years. I know I'm the one who is always pushing to maintain a relationship with her, but when she's here she's so irritating I can barely stand it. How is it possible for one person to turn the conversation to herself over and over so doggedly? Did she train for it?

Confession #884

I know you are sleepy. I am sleepy too. But, when you yell at our child at night and tell her to go back to sleep before you beat the shit out of her? And this makes her cry harder? So you yell louder? I swear, if I had a knife, I would stab you in the fucking heart for that. I don't know where you learned that being a bully works, but it is a piss poor strategy and will lose you your wife and daughter someday.

Confession #885

Although I adore you, your memory loss really tries my patience.

For example, recently I told you all about the amount of fiber in a particular breakfast cereal. You listened intently and said something like, "Wow, I didn't know that." This morning, you took the cereal out of the cabinet and "educated" me on how much fiber it has.

I already know. I told you for Christ's sake.

I know your memory is horrible and I know your memory is horrible for a very valid reason. It just makes me insane that you try to tell me things that 1) I already know and 2) I told YOU about or you wouldn't even know

Confession #886

They always say hindsight is 20/20. I should have listened to my Mother when she told me to slow down and date other people before I got so serious with you. Mothers really are always right. I have feelings for you because you are the father of my child, but I don't love you. I stopped feeling love a long time ago. You only make an effort when you want sex, other than that you don't even act like you care. I'm not even attracted to you any more. The only reason I'm still here is our son. You are his world, and I don't want to crush him. I don't know how long I can live this way, but you can bet that when and if I do leave our son will be coming with me.

Confession #887

Sometimes I fantasize while listening to Brad Paisley's song "She Everything" that you wrote it and you wrote it for me. And then I get mad at you because you didn't write that song and you didn't write it for me.

Confession #888

If you grab at my breasts one more time I am going to cut your hands off. I don't like to be mauled, it is not a turn on at all. You act like they are your personal property and that you can do whatever you want to them. Sometime I am going to grab your penis and do the same things that you do, and I will bet money that you will be rolling on the floor in agony. When I tell you to stop I am not joking around. I mean stop. As in right fucking now. I am a person, not just a pair of boobs.

Confession #889

I was so happy a few weeks ago. Now, I don't know what's wrong with me. I find myself getting angry and annoyed with you for no reason. The things I found most attractive about you, I now find really, really, annoying.
I'm also worried that you'll end up leaving me once you find out that I'm not as sure as I was a few months ago. You've been bettering yourself while I've been staying the same. What if you meet somebody better? I don't think my heart could take it, and though I know, right now, at this moment, I don't deserve you.
The fear, the unknowing, the stress, the agitation-it's all becoming to much for me.
Maybe I'm just scared. Our relationship is getting serious and I think I'm scared of commitment.
I love you. I know I do. But I don't know if I'm ready for the engagement What do I do?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Confession #890

I do so many of the things other wives are confessing they hate their
husbands for and I'm terrified that you are going to hate me for it.
I'm lazy, I'm a slob, I spend most days sitting at the computer, I
never finish anything I start, and I'm a bad mother. When I tell you
that, you say, "Look at our daughter, she's amazing, and that's
because of you!" but I know that it's only despite me. I think Elmo
pays more attention to her than I do. Your family sees what a loser I
am, and I'm sure they wonder why you don't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm
some sort of project for you. Like because you can fix anything, you
want to see if you can fix me. And I do need fixing. But you deserve a
wife who doesn't need to be fixed, or at least one who isn't as
completely broken as I am.

Sometimes I wonder if you like me this way. When I'm at my lowest lows
is when you are the tenderest and give me the most help. Maybe I am
this way because it's working. I can get away with being lazy if I
just tell you how often I think of killing myself, which really is
often, because then you do the dishes that I have let sit in the sink
for a week and order us a pizza so I don't have to do anything. And if
I scream about how overwhelmed I am, you'll come home on your
lunch break and vacuum and tell me that I'm doing a great job. And I
love you so much for that, and I hate myself so much for it.

I know I can do better. I know I am capable of great things. You know
this, and you have helped convince me of it. I'm trying to be better,
and have faced many setbacks. Sometimes it is hard not to give up on
myself when I feel like the only person in the world who HASN'T given
up on me is you. And I'm sure you will too, one day. I don't know why
you haven't already.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

889, that is your intuition talking to you. slow down. Hind sight is 20/20, but it is just that, hindsight. always listen to your intuition.

Anonymous said...

#884 - Please do whatever you can to have your husband learn new ways to deal with his anger/frustration. It is not appropriate at all and he needs to stop immediately. Get in his face and tell him it. must. stop. NOW.

My heart aches for the constant eggshells you and your child deal with to avoid his outbursts. No one deserves to live in fear on a daily basis.

Anonymous said...

#884 I agree completely with 1:36 pm. Verbal abuse is just as, or more damaging than physical abuse. You need to take your daughter away if your husband can't or won't get help immediately. My parents yelled constantly, although they didn't hit often. And today I'm in therapy to unlearn all the crappy stuff I absorbed from them so I don't continue the cycle of abuse with my son. Please, please, please protect your little girl. She doesn't have anyone else on her side.

#890 I hear what you're saying. My husband is always more supportive when I am at the end of my rope. I try really hard not to take advantage. Most days I succeed, but it's tempting to let him be the rock. Just remember that it's give and take.

Anonymous said...

#881, I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now. I hope it gets better.

#890, Do you know that you are depressed? I think your husband knows, either consciously or subconsciously, that you are depressed, understands that your depression is a temporary illness that is not your fault, and is trying to do what he can to keep you afloat until you find yourself again (Hopefully it is really just that, and not that he prefers you in a state of dependence).

As a SAHM who has often struggled with my own feelings of worthlessness, may I make a suggestion? I think it would really help you feel better about yourself if you got involved in some sort of activity out of the house, around other adults, without your husband or child, that you find rewarding, be it a couple of hours a week volunteering, or some time at the gym, or a book club. It seems your husband does want to help you, so tell him that what would help you the most is if he could help make it possible for you to do something like this, and then help make sure you actually do it.

Anonymous said...

#884 - Get your head out of your ass. If your husband is "beating the shit" out of your daughter, you need get her out of there. Staying and hoping he will change makes you JUST as guilty of child abuse as he is. Wake up. You're messing with the life of an innocent.

miracle seeker said...

884

You can choose to stay. Your child cannot. Does your child deserve the sort of treatment you are describing? How awful her father treats her that way ~ in a way, too, is ~ how awful her mother stays and allows it. My heart breaks for this helpless child. Please reread what you wrote and make some immediate changes for your child, if you cannot for yourself.

We teach people how to treat us. With every angry outburst and emotional abuse, you are teaching both this man and this child that it is ok.

Heartbreaking. There are programs, places to go and people who will help you. Please reach out and get both of you away from him. Today.

Jenn said...

#887-- I hope you see this post....I do that too!!!!! That's me!! Have you seen the music video? It makes it even worse...

Elizabeth said...

#890 - I struggle with depression too. 85% of the time I am perfectly fine. The rest of the time isn't severe enough for medication. I hope that you are seeking help if you really feel like killing yourself ever. My mother went through that, and her suicide attempt was one of the worst times of my life. She felt like we would all be better off without her, that us kids were great despite her, and it WAS NOT TRUE. My husband also, at a low point, tried to committ suicide because of his depression. Please, please, as a spouse and daughter who've gone through it, get professional help. You are not a lazy, terrible person who is a bad mother. Your family would not be better off without you. And you don't have to feel this way.

If you find that continuing to feel this way forces your husband to help more, talk to him about it. My husband did the same sort of thing - not really getting involved until I screamed that I couldn't take it anymore. When I talked to him about how good it made me feel to have him finally help me but how bad it made me feel that he didn't do that until I was at my wit's end, he finally understood and we developed a better, healthier pattern that benefitted both of us.

Good luck to you, 890. I'll be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

#890--I agree with the other posters, you are depressed, PLEASE get some help!

My husband also lives with severe depression and had taken to drinking as a coping mechanism. We are still trying to help get it under control with counseling and medications (he's tried several but none have helped so far). He tells me all the time that he doesn't care about anyone or anything. He knows he's being childish and selfish. What your husband is doing is not helping you at all-I know b/c I was doing the same sort of things for my husband. Making excuess for him, doing anything I thought would lessen his burden, etc... It just made the situation worse. I want nothing more then for him to get better, but he has to want it too.

You need to tell your husband, it sounds like he'll be supportive.

Please get help and do it for yourself b/c that's the only way you're going to take it seriously.

Shannon said...

#890
You sound just like me a few months ago. In the back of my mind, I knew I was depressed, but I figured I would just snap out of it.
When I told my doctor that I had been having thoughts of suicide, she gave me a depression test and I scored as a "severe depressive". She said I would never have "snapped out of it" on my own. I believe that you might be a severe depressive, too.
There are medications and other forms of treatment that can help people like us. Please talk to your doctor before this gets worse.

Anonymous said...

#888 - Not only is that annoying as hell, but it most certainly does NOT get me 'in the mood'. Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are reading these replies, #890. People have and do feel the way you do. I was one of those people. I got help and life has gotten better. Your husband sounds like a doll who will listen and always care. Now you need to care about yourself and see your doctor. I care too...