Monday, July 24, 2006

True Wife Confessions 28 Days Later

Confession #261

I don't say that I appreciate you enough. I spend more time bitching at you than saying how good you really are. It's wrong of me and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that when I get PMS I turn into a raging, insane BITCH. You deserve better.

Confession #262

My dad had come over to help pack up some personal items of mine from school and family heirlooms to store in their basement because we no longer had storage space at our place. Dad left the boxes in our living room and said he'd come back to get them the next day, then the two of us went to dinner. A few months later, my husband and I hit a rocky patch in the marriage. I went to stay with my folks. While in the basement, I found the boxes dad had packed. I unpacked them and found that items were missing. It turns out that while Dad and I were at dinner, my husband had carefully untaped each box and stole some items. Then he taped them back up so we'd never know it happened. The divorce papers came last week. THANK YOU GOD!

Confession #263

Your penis is unusually tiny. Maybe 4 inches? When not erect, I can't even tell you have one. I can't feel anything when we have sex. Here's a big reason for having sex before you get married. Or rather, a SMALL reason. Try before you buy, ladies!

Confession #264

I'm pretty sure that you know how much money I spend and you almost never call me on it. Well, maybe the time I spent 600 bucks at Hannah Anderson and you made me take half of the things back. But still

Confession #265

For the milionth time, I will never swing with you. I won't go to swing clubs or swing parties just to, "Check it out." You think they're going to be hot models? Reality check, honey. Most of them are white trash and most of them don't use protection because, "We're all married, so we're safe." Why didn't you tell me you were into this germy disgusting lifestyle BEFORE we got married?

Confession #266

The fact that you have stayed with me through all of my mental health issues, and have rarely called me crazy out loud, even when you are thinking it in your head? You took "the good with the bad" part of our vows seriously and I am eternally grateful.

Confession #267

My husband is dead set against sex toys. He asks me why I need sex toys if I have him around to satisfy me? I say it's something fun to add to our sex life. He said it's either him or the sex toys. So when he goes to work, I get out my hidden collection of sex toys and do myself silly. Maybe my husband does have something to fear. The sex toys are a lot better in bed than him.

Confession #268

It was just two days after I started the Pill and wasn't protected against pregnancy yet. I asked my husband to put on a condom before we had sex. He agreed. He leaned over to the nightstand and made a big effort out of opening a condom wrapper and putting it on. When he came, I felt it. I pushed him off me and saw there was no condom. He had MIMED putting on the condom and had hidden the condom under the bed. I demanded to know why. He said, "You're not gonna get pregnant, so what's the big deal?" It was the first moment that I felt fear in my heart that I had married the wrong man.

Confession #269

Do you not wipe after taking a dump? I do your laundry, you know, and I don't think you use toilet paper.

Confession #270

I love that you are the one who bakes for all school functions. Me? I would buy something, but you? In the kitchen, baking giant cookies or super fudgey browines.


Anonymous said...

I so agree with #265. It's such a disgusting lifestyle. I never realized that so many husbands are like my husband. They just don't get that most of the swingers are nasty trash.

Anonymous said...

What IS it with the skidmarks?? So many men leave skid marks...I don't know any women who do that. Is it laziness? Anal leakage? In too much of a hurry??? CLEAN yourselves, men!

Anonymous said...

My husband literally takes 5 minutes to wipe after going to the bathroom. Every time. (He says it's because he's hairy, and it's harder to get clean.) Sometimes it annoys me, because he'll often make us late for something. However, after reading about these hygenic issues, I'm so grateful!

stasia said...

268- oh my god.

Anonymous said...

My husband refuses to wear white underwear because he doesn't want to leave skidmarks. Good choice since I do all the laundry!

Anonymous said...

265- feeling ya

Anonymous said...

263, I think you married my ex. I'm so sorry!

Anonymous said...

Hurray for flushable wipes, when our son needed them my man said, Those things are great can we keep getting them? no problem hon

Anonymous said...

Men can't wipe their own asses or a baby's for that matter. IM NOT GOING TO SHOUT OUT YOUR SHIT STAINS!!!!!

Anonymous said...

#268 is highly disturbing.

Anonymous said...

#267-Good for you!

#268-That is REALLY scary.

#269-Those flushable wipes aren't just for kids, and they work really well. Get some!

Desperate Housewife said...

Ba ha ha ha ha!!! Wronged ex-wife do I get my confessions on here?! I've got a shitload of them!

Reiza said...

268, get the hell out of there. I'm with Pragmatic Chaos up there. This is the most disturbing confession I've read. It scared the hell out of me. I hope you got out quickly.