Thursday, July 27, 2006

True Wife Confession 31 (trente et un)

Confession #301

I really am all healed up from giving birth, I'm just not going to tell you that because this is the only time in our relationship you have given me affection without expecting sex in return.

Confession #302

Just because you are older than me, that does not mean that you know everything. It may be possible that I know more about a subject than you do. I however, do not feel the need to rub your face in the fact that I know more about it than you. Just because you feel like an idiot, that does not give you the right to be a dick.

Confession #303

When I visit my family and friends back home do not constantly call me to talk about nothing. They live 1000 miles away and I see them 10 days a year, you get the other 355. Do not be so greedy for my time. There is also no need to check and see what I am doing. I am a responsible adult (unlike you) and can have fun without getting into trouble. My old friends (the ones that happen to be men) are not a threat to you. I have known them for years and if I had wanted to be with any of them I had plenty of opportunity in the past. Stop being so jealous and controlling. I am more likely to leave you for that than for an imagined affair.

Confession #304

I wouldn't seem so jealous if you didn't flirt all the time. With
everyone. I trust you....really I do. I know you won't do anything.
But it is just so annoying especially when others point it out to me.
You are engaged remember? And I do have feelings. Try to remember
that.

Confession #305

How do I tell you that I hate your son? I knew you had a child when we started dating. I married you knowing that this part of your life was included in the package. I counted myself lucky that you and his mother had never been married, had been apart since before his birth. Little did I know how much I was going to hate knowing that you and I would never experience a first pregnancy together. And now? Now that we are days away from the 1st anniversary of our first infertility treatment and still not pregnant, knowing that you have a 12 year old oops? I feel so broken and incomplete. You are smart enough and sensitive enough to never bring up her pregnancy unless I ask and for that I'm greatful. But it kills me to know that if we do finally get pregnant, none of it will be new and exciting to you. You've been there and done that. I don't blame you, though. For some reason, I blame your son...the physical representation of this past that I can never truly be a part of. I welcome him into my home, I've tried to help raise him. I clothe him and feed him, using my own money, and attend his recitals and parent-teacher meetings, but I'm still just the step-mom and sometimes that sounds an awful lot like when I used to get introduced as "dad's girlfriend." My opinion is never asked. Never mind the degree in education and child-development, ignore the fact that I was a nanny to three children for years...more of a mother to them than their own mother, I couldn't POSSIBLY have any information to offer, experience to share, advice to provide to you and her, who have never raised a child, who were only children, who never so much as babysat for an afternoon. I feel shut out. And sometimes, just sometimes, it makes me hate you just a bit too.

Confession #306

I love you dearly but the attention I got from another guy the other day was
enough to make me think about what it might be like to be with some one
else.

Confession #307

Being married to you is like having a roommate. We don't have sex, but we laugh alot. We don't kiss or do anything intimate, but we watch TV together. You are a kind man, and there is so much wonderful about you. But I married you because I wanted a lover, not a roommate.

Confession #308

I love you for what you've become and how you have taken me to places so amazing I can't describe BUT....

if you don't stop thinking that because I go to school full time, that I don't work. I clean your damn house, wash your damn clothes, cook your damn food (when I'm not at school trying to better myself), have sex with you when I'm not exhausted and take out the damn trash. What do you do? Work. Yay for you. I worked while you went to school and now I get "the look" when you don't have any clean underwear! Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe that I, too, would like to come home to a clean house with my clothes put away and the trash already taken out? I don't guess you have. Where's my clean underwear? In the washer, waiting ever so patiently for ME to put it in the dryer. Where are my clean dishes? In the dishwasher, again waiting for me, because apparently, taking 5 minutes to put them away, distracts you from more important things, like watching tv.

I realize that you work hard and I do appreciate what you do but appreciate what I do, too. Please notice what I do is way more important that what you do sometimes. I notice that you keep the grass cut and the dog happy, so notice when I clean that damn house to perfection - for you.

Confession #309

Dear Husband,

I hate you. I really do. Everytime you leave the house I hope you die in an accident. I've even thought about 'tweeking' your brakes on your motorcycle. You wonder why we have no sex life. Did you ever have sex with a drunk. It is no fun. Last time you even said "can you pretend you are enjoying this?" You are a lazy lazy man, yet always complain about how I clean the house or cook dinner. Why don't you try doing either one once?? We have 2 children - that you have never once changed thier diaper, bathed or put to bed. Yet you tell me that I am lazy and fat. Why am I fat? In hopes that you won't want to have sex with me. Oh. I do get bonuses - twice a year - that I don't tell you about. My mom is saving the money for me so that I can leave you and hopefully find some love in this life

Confession #310

I love that you care for my child as though she were Ours. You help with vomit duty and everything. You are my best friend and I love you immensely but please for the love of all that is holy, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN. Do not question my preparation methods and do not compare my cooking to that of your mother's. It just makes me want to slam your head in the oven. And, if I don't ask for help, don't just assume you know how to do it better than I. Because you don't.
Ah, I feel better already.

14 comments:

Jill said...

comment 310--I hear ya!!!

Anonymous said...

#310 -- Right on, baby. God, that is so annoying. If you want to help, help by getting out the dishes, setting the table, or taking the dog out from under my feet. NOT by asking if I salted the water or preheated the oven enough.

Ah, I feel better knowing I'm not the only one :)

Anonymous said...

To the gal that hates the step-son...you need some serious therapy, that is the saddest thing I have ever heard. You have some problems if you take out your own issues on a poor kid. Shame.

Anonymous said...

#305: I know this irrational hatred of yours comes from a deep pain, but please consider the following:

1.) Like it or not, that boy will be the brother of any child you conceive. Your own child's flesh and blood. I know it is hard for you, but you must try to bring yourself to love him for the sake of your future child. Why would you want to bring another child into an already dysfunctional home that is full of resentment and hatred? If you do the work now to learn to love your step-son-- who at the moment is your ONLY son-- when you finally do get pregnant, your home will be a much better place for your biological child to live.

2.) Have you ever considered the advantages of having a partner who has already been through one pregnancy, and has experience raising a child? Pregnancy, childbirth, and the post-partum period can be very hard on a woman, and many men do not realize just how hard it is until they have seen it happen. Most women seem to be able to become mothers overnight, but, as I am sure you can tell from reading this blog, most men have to be taught to be fathers, and to be supportive partners to the mother of their child. You husband has a head-start. Don't discount this. In the hopeful version of the future where you finally have your "own" child, at 3 a.m. when you're lying in bed completely exhausted from caring for a newborn and he's up changing your baby's diaper like a pro, because he already knows you need help, and he already knows he is up to the task, you will be grateful for his experience.

3.) Is it possible the reason that your husband and his former lover don't accept your input concerning how to raise their child because they sense intuitively that you don't consider that child to be yours? You have to pick a position. Either you ARE just his father's wife, or you ARE his step-mother. You have to decide to love him as your own before you can expect to be allowed a say in how to raise him. Once you allow yourself to accept him and love him as your own, then and only then will you be in a position to argue for more say in his life.

Anonymous said...

ahh 310-I completely agree!

My dh will not make himself anything to eat-but he will critique my culinary skills.

It's always something like "hmm, this is good, but next time I'd..."
"you've got the taste down, but you could work on presentation"
Oh would you now?! You want it to look better before you shovel in down in 3 minutes--before I've even had time to make myown plate and join you?

I'd like to see you make your own dinner or your own *#&%ing snack for that matter.

Do I tell you how to fix electronics? Nope, don't tell me how to cook

Anonymous said...

#310-Amen! I've never claimed to be Martha Stewart and I know your mom is a wonderful cook and it's all a very touchy subject for me. You assure me that you married me and NOT your mother. Then STOP comparing me to her.
#305-Try to stop worrying about nothing being "new" to your husband once you do get pregnant. If his son is 12, I'm guessing he was young when he was born and he is now a grown man with 12 more years of maturity under his belt. He is married to you, loves you, and is trying to have a baby with you. That is all very different from a "oops" baby and pregnancy. It will be new to him.

Anonymous said...

#305

Maybe once you stop hating innocent children, you'll be blessed to have "your own."

If your husband is smart, he will leave you and not aid in your attempts to bring children into this world.

You knew it was a package deal and you should be glad that your husband is man enough to be a father to his son.

You sound like a really selfish person.

Anonymous said...

305--as another infertile woman, I understand. Don't listen to these others who haven't been there. Who haven't been through infertility hell and know what it's like to see every other woman have a child.

Therapy has helped me--I hope it helps you. Just know that you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

309..., could be me

Anonymous said...

to #305 - You sound like you're living my life - 16 years ago anyway. My husband had a son from his first marriage and that child & I DID NOT get along! We were definitely not friends and were not even civil to each other until he was over 17, and frankly looking back I'm amazed my husband married me knowing that. I have never experienced the infertility battles that you are going through (for which you have my deepest sympathies) but I can speak from my experiences in this instance. Trust me, if you do not come to some kind of truce with this child you will be so completely ashamed of yourself once that child grows up (been there!!!!). Once you have your own child (and I have faith that you will have one, in some way) you will realize just how wrong you have been. And as a woman who has been pregnant more than once - it doesn't matter how often you go through that experience, it's like new every time. And so it will be for your husband. And the poster that said you will appreciate having a husband with experience with little ones is absolutely correct. You need to separate your feelings about your infertility from this child who is completely blameless in all this.

and for the person who said that she knew he had a son when she married him - yes she did, but knowing it & living with it are 2 totally different things.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who is at least a little bit jealous of #307?

Anonymous said...

#305-The only person you should feel annoyed with is either your husband or yourself. Your husband has to respect and include you in the decision making, but at the same time, you are probaby sending out some very obvious vibes as far as your hatred/resentment. Remember, HE'S JUST A KID. You're a grown womann who needs to be responsible for her actions and her decisions. And you did know this situation going into this marriage. And once you become a mother, you will realize how wrong you were for even feeling any hate toward this child, or any, for that matter. Imagine if it were your child that someone's new wife hated. It would kill you to think that a grown adult could feel such intense hatred toward something that you love. This boy could be the best thing that ever happened to you in the long run. You'll be giving this new baby a big brother that could help love and protect it. But first you gotta give that love to this boy. Set a good example. THAT'S what being a good mother is all about.

Lori said...

To #305--Let me start off by saying that I am a mother of 5. 5 kids, 3 pregnancies. I am the youngest of 13, his, mine, and ours. I have a stepmonster(an endearing term that even my stepmother uses)and a stepfather. I absolutely love both my stepparents. First of all they are never referred to as step and never refer to any of us as step. they are my parents and I am their daughter. My parents were divorced when I was seven and both parents remarried within a week of each other when i had just turned twelve. The Oldest of my five children is my 15 and a half year old stepson. I have been raising him since he was 20 months old, aside from the 11 months it took us to find him after his mother kidnapped him to go live with a meth maker. He was 3 when we found him again and he was 3 and a half when we won full custody of him.
I can totally relate to how you feel about the fact that he has a child already and that you feel like things won't be new to him. It also took me over a year to conceive and we humped like rabbits at all the right times. I felt inadequate, threatened and jealous because my SON also was not a planned pregnancy and she only wanted custody of him to live off the welfare she was getting because of him. (and she was getting the daycare money from the state when I was paying the babysitter with my own money, it went that way with all the financial aid, I was feeding him and she was living off the foodstamp, etc. etc. you get the gist.) So you have to know that I was angry also because I fed him, clothed him, got up at night with him, I am still pretty much the only one who even disciplines him, although that is a whole nother story. I have always done everything for this child.
And I have felt the shame for feeling hateful,jealous and angry. For he is a child. Doesn't matter whose child, a child. The other advice you've gotten here is true. This will be your childs flesh and blood. He deserves to be treated like you would treat your own child. You have to remember YOU married a package deal. You can be this childs rock, his soft place to fall or you can be the one he rebels against, the one he manipulates. You are the adult here, not him. You are his example. You are not his mother and never will be, but you are an authority and can be a friend. It is very challenging (my son hasn't talked to his mother in over 2 years. I know..very sad). And he is very angry, he is old enough that i can't sugar coat it for him anymore. I have NEVER said anything bad about her for to shame the parent is to shame the child(i know this to be fact because my mother hated! my father.) I also don't let him talk bad about her for he has not walked in her shoes. He does not call me mom but refers to me as his mother. Hell, his own mother refers to me as his mom. So guess who takes the brunt of all the hell that breaks loose in his life. Me! That's who. And I will gladly take it all if that means he will grow up to be a happy healthy normal human being. Make me the heavy please, I am his mom.
Anonymous told you every pregnancy is new, and she's right. she's right your husband is more mature now and it will be totally different for him. My son and my twins are 11 and a half years apart. I have a ten and eleven year old. All new to my husband. I think hate is a really strong word when you are talkin about a child. There are times I felt like you, but you gotta get a grip, it will always be a challenge. Go see a therapist if you feel that much hate and anger because I GUARANTEE you that that child feels your disgust.
I was very lucky that I had wonderful accepting stepparents...i hate that term, I prefer to call my son my bonus child. My son. Please get some help and maybe if you tell your husband how intimidated you are then he can put your mind at ease a little.

jenner said...

Confession #307

one of my best friends is in this exact situation. And she started having an affair a few months ago in order to find the passion she lacks in her marriage. AND NOW she's constantly saying nasty things about her husband, even though he's a really good guy (which she readily admits), because she feels SO MUCH RESENTMENT being married to him. Please consider getting out of the marriage, because why stay in something that doesn't make you happy, and ALSO - if you stay and end up resenting him you are only hurting BOTH of you. I wish my friend would LISTEN to how she now speaks of & treats her husband. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. He's not perfect, but he does not deserve to be treated so meanly just because my friend doesn't have the courage to get out of the relationship. AND SHE should also have the courage to live her life the way she wants to, even if it IS scary ending the marriage. And same for you - live your life how you want to, it's too short - cliche but true.