Monday, July 17, 2006

True Wife Confessions Catch 22

Confession #211

You were such a jerk, and you made me so angry and miserable in the days leading up to our wedding day, and on the day itself, that I almost didn't go through with our wedding. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been knocked up already. I spent the entire day of our wedding terrified that I was making the worst mistake of my life, wanting to vomit, forcing myself to smile. I already wanted to divorce you before we even got home from the marriage license office. Thankfully it wasn't a mistake to marry you; I loved you then, and I love you now, and our marriage has actually turned out very well. But this is why I never want to do anything on our anniversary-- I don't even want to think about that day; it was one of the worst days of my life. I wish I could erase the memory from my mind.

Confession #212

We've been together for 12 years. After 10 years of finding a new roll of toilet paper precariously balanced on top of the empty cardboard roll, I decided we did not need toilet paper holders anymore. I didn't do it because I wanted to keep up with the trends. You can be a real jerk sometimes.

Confession #213

I do ALL of the work inside of the house, ALL of the yard work, ALL of the dog's duties, AND I work 40+ per week. I shoot daggers at you every weekend while you sleep in until 10am then get up and surf Myspace for 2 hours until lunch.

Confession #214

You CAN'T take credit for housework when you make the kids do it.

Confession #215

How is it that even when you do something as menial as boil water on the stove, you manage to use EVERY pot and pan that we own?? I swear, you went in to make a sandwich, and the kitchen is now a disaster area.

Confession #216

I have been married to you for 12 years and have loved you for 3 of them. I am only staying married to you for our child who adores you. I find you ignorant, slow, and you can't read very well either.

Confession #217

You're not fooling me with your "dumb male" act. You're an intelligent man-- you're easily as smart as I am, and I know with absolute certainty that after three years of living with me you are in fact capable of remembering where in my dresser I keep my pajamas and socks. So stop leaving them stacked on the bed when you fold the laundry, as if you have no idea where they go. Ditto the serving dishes you ALWAYS leave stacked on the counter when you unload the dishwasher. I've been keeping that ceramic platter, that cut glass bowl that chip-and-dip set in exactly the same cabinet for a year and a half now, and it would take you no more than two seconds to put them away. And don't even get me started on your spurious claim that you can't ever find the paper towels when it's time to replace an empty roll. There are ALWAYS paper towels in the linen closet, and they are always on the same shelf, right below the shelf where you keep extra bottles of your shaving cream and shampoo.

Confession #218

Why do I have to remind YOU to call the dealer to make an oil change appointment on the new PT Cruiser you wanted more than anything?

Confession #219

Honey, I love you - I really do - but the fact that you can not do anything like RSVP for any child's birthday party or invitation to play galls me. Regardless of how well you know the other family, you make me handle all the details. For such a liberated man, this is one bizarre throwback trait.

Confession #220

wish that for every hour your spent on your computer you'd spend 20 minutes with me. We used to talk to each other for hours. And I miss that.


Anonymous said...

That last one. Yep, I'm feeling it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, me too.

Anonymous said...

#217... your husband folds laundry? And empties a dishwasher? Girl, count yourself lucky and put the last couple of things away. If mine ever folded laundry I think I'd die of shock.

Anonymous said...

#212: What trends is he talking about? The hell?

And #217, I think it's time to take action. Or rather, INaction. He doesn't put the dishes away? YOU don't put the dishes away. He doesn't replace the paper towels (been there, DONE that)? YOU don't replace the paper towels. You may have to do this for a while, but eventually he WILL need a paper towel and he WILL have to get out a new roll. Ha.

Passive aggressive? Hee. Hell, yeah. But (eventually) it works, and that's what matters.

Anonymous said...

Grow up, sweetpea. Life's a bitch and then you die. Your trivial crap is laughable. I am glad you have a place like this to let off steam. Too bad that you are also displaying your pettiness. Your glass may be half-full but you can only see it as half-empty...perhaps your glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Elleoz said...

#217~ OMG! If I could get my husband to even wash the clothes or unload the dishwaher I think I would die from a heart attack.

While in not doing the things you listed may drive you crazy, please take heart that you are way above the majority of us in that you have a husband that at least attempts to help you out! I'll trade ya!

Anonymous said...

This is #217 here: Yes, being a regular reader of this blog, I know the fact that my husband ever does anything around the house means I am one of the luckiest women alive ;) It just drives me crazy that he PRETENDS not to know how to do these things when he clearly does. Why go to all the effort to unload a dishwasher, but leave everything on the counter? And then make up a story about not knowing where things go when I ask about it, even though I know he actually knows? Why spend more effort avoiding work than it would take to actually do it?

Because he thinks if he keeps doing it "wrong" I'll stop asking him to fold the laundry and unload the dishwasher entirely and just do it myself, that's why.

No dice, bub. Heh.

Anonymous said...

217 is right. What a bunch of horse shit- jeez just because she's got a pretty capable husband doesn't mean he doesn't slack off and it doesn't piss her off. This is her space to bitch and I agree with her. My husband is a GOD in some womens eyes ( including me most the time) doesn't mean he doesn't fuck up or get on my nerves!

Anonymous said...

#212-OMG if there is ONE thing that bugs me to no end about my husband, it's that he can't just replace the toilet paper roll! I just don't get it. I mean, if he is using toilet paper, he is obviously sitting down so why not just replace the roll while you are there? I've only been dealing with it for three years though.

Anonymous said...

#217; I hear you.

Vulgar Wizard said...

My question is how did #217 get her husband to even fold the laundry??? Folding laundry is like speaking Greek for my husband. He'll wash and dry his clothes OCCASSIONALLY, but he will dress himself from the dryer everyday instead of unloading it and folding the clothes. Priceless.

And if I took INaction, this house would have roaches the size of armadillos. He doesn't CARE if he lives in dirt, so long as he can lounge in the recliner and watch TV while I read these confessions out of boredom.

Anonymous said...

I found a solutin to the 'leaving shit all over the house' dilemna awhile ago. I pick it all up and put it under his pillow. And then when he throws it all on the floor I do it again the next day. EVentually he gets the hint. Or else I just throw it away.

Anonymous said...

Fucking toilet paper? Are you kidding me? I read about wife's being beat up, being cheated on, being abused, and your complain is fucking toilet paper?