I said I wouldn’t date until the divorce is final. However, I got asked out on date this week – and only after being separated from you for the third and final time. Why did I keep coming back?
My confession – I now know what I was missing and I loved every moment of my date. I don’t feel guilty and I won’t feel guilty for going. I will also enjoy every moment of date number 2.
You, my darling, are incredible. Thank you for missing me when I had to go out for a few hours on Christmas. Thank you for the incredible sex that night. Thank you for waking me up from my nightmare last night with your arms around me and your voice so soft and comforting. Thank you for this baby that's making my stomach leap around like a squid in a polyetheline bag (and thanks for the Frank-related and inside jokes). Thank you for taking in my first child and so completely sharing your own. Thank you, most of all, for tolerating the visit to my family, even though you don't understand our screwed-up family dynamic (heck, I don't either, to be honest).
I'd complain about something (or several things), but I'm still relaxed from such a perfect Christmas, home alone with you. I love you.
We have been married 12 years this Christmas. I still love you, but, I will never forget all the other women you have had in our past. Yes, I know all about them. Even the ones I used to call "Friends". I'm not going to leave. I'm not even going to fight about it. I'm also not going to feel bad about sleeping with my ex husband sometimes when I see him or my ex boyfriend from years ago, when he comes to town for business. This started 4 years ago, unlike you who started in our first year of marriage, and I've never felt better. I know when our son graduates I'll have to re-think our relationship. But, we've got 6 more years to go......
We could have had a real good life, but you didn't want it. And for years I tried to let you know that I loved you, was here for you, was available whenever you got your life in order, and realized how fabulous we could be.
Do you even notice that I don't ask you to come see me anymore? Now, when I ask you for anything, it's with the expectation that you won't come through. I use it as proof that I was right to shut you out of my heart. I no longer fantasize about opening doors and finding you on the other side. That would be a farce instead of the dream it was.
I don't belong to you anymore. It changed when I realized my bitterness over our past will poison any possible future we could have had.
I can not thank you enough for all your support this weekend. You showed me that you are in fact “supportive” when necessary. I think what happened to my friend put a lot of things into perspective for both of us. At any moment we could suffer the great loss she has and we realize that. As I cried because I hurt so bad for her, you held me, told me you were sorry, you drove me over there when we both got off work, you spent two hours there, while I held her and we cried and talked. You made her smile and laugh despite the horrible news she had received not 12 hours earlier. You grabbed my hand in the car and told me how much you loved me and you got choked up, my hard a$$, you asked God right there in our car to never take me from you. So while you may nap on the couch to much, watch more TV than I want you to, you are there for me, we’ve got the stuff. I know that in a week from now I could be so angry with you and I may forget all this for that moment, but its just that, a moment. But as for eternity, I believe we will make it.
Sure, I'll get breast implants and a full bikini wax minus the landing stip, and increase my time at the gym to 3 hours a day instead of 2-- right after you get off your lazy ass and go to the gym at all, build some pecs and some biceps and wax your back. While you're at it..how bout checking into getting a penile implant..or stent..or anything. Do you really want to talk about small apendages? Sorry that even as attractive as I am I still dont measure up to your bleached blonde, silicone injected sleezes that you love to watch, and yes, I know you've been watching them regularly.
Asshole. Fuck you and your fucking porn habit.
I absolutely adore you and I truly believe that we have one of the best
relationships out there. I get absolute joy in knowing that our relationship
is better than our friends'. We have something that not a lot of other
couples have, especially those that post on this board. I am not posting to
confess I hate your mother, I cheated on you, I know you cheated on me, I
secretely hate you, that I am leaving you, that I wish I had never married
you, that you never get me off, that I secretly hate sucking your cock, but
simply to let everyone know that I love my husband dearly and to let
everyone know that we have something wonderful.
I know this is so cliche, but PLEASE admit that you have NO sense of direction. None. We come out of the mall and you are already lost. So don't get mad at me when I tell you that we aren't parked where you think we are parked. I'm not the one who loses their keys and wallet all the time either. Trust me on this, will you?
I heard you tell our child to "Let Mommy sleep" this morning. Those things win you big points. BIG POINTS.
I'm getting this out here because me confronting you with all of it isn't going to work for me. I will either get too emotional to get it all out, or too pissed to care.
I'm tired of your porn addiction and total unwillingness to be a little less self-absorbed. Our relationship is not a porn portal for you. I don't delete what you download porn-wise because I don't want to you see porn, I do it because you put more of an effort into looking for and downloading porn than you do to our relationship. I don't mind you downloading porn when things are going good between us, shit, you know I enjoy watching it with you!
And yes, I know that in the last few weeks I have become MORE self-absorbed, basically because I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of not being valued. So here's my problem: I'm not getting the emotional, or physical support I need. So explain to me why I'm holding on to the fact that I love you?
Because I do. And I want this to work. I really, really do - more than anything I've wanted before. But I need to get something back from you in return. This isn't a notice that I'm breaking things off with you, but I'm getting really tired of feeling so low on your list of priorities and obligations.
Why do you only tell me that you love me when you know I am pissed off at you? Some occasional affection, an unsolicited "I love you honey", could do a lot to help our relationship. And telling me ONLY in text messages or emails just makes me think that you are only saying it because you think it's going to placate me. If you don't mean it, don't say it. I have a hard time believing you can feel one way and act the exact opposite anyway.
Your friends say to give you a break, that you've been through a lot, but I have too and I don't want a relationship where I'm not wanted and cared for. I get the feeling that most of the time you'd rather kick me than deal with me, rather just be by yourself and do whatever, so why you are even with me is a freaking mystery. I can't see a relationship working when one person doesn't even want to be with the other. If you are with me only due to a lack of other options, then you need to find other options, because I get the distinct impression I'm wasting my time lately. And I would hope that you could be honest with me and yourself as to your intentions with this relationship.
I know things have been a little better in the last day or two, and I'm grateful for that. But understand that I needed to get it out, to tell you how I feel. If we actually want to make this relationship work, I need to you to at least know where I'm coming from, even if you don't understand it.