Tuesday, January 02, 2007

True Wife Confession 142 pieces of scattered confetti

Confession #1411

For years I have been ashamed and nervous about my body. I never felt thin enough, perfect enough- and sometimes you would say it out loud. I never asked for oral sex because I didn't think men really liked it. On the few occasions I tried it with you, you always seemed irritated and couldn't wait for it to be done.

But with him? I feel beautiful. He loves giving me oral sex - I mean, REALLY loves it. Sex with him is so comfortable, so relaxing. He looks at me and I see a beautiful me in his eyes. He tells me I am amazing.

I wonder why I waited so long.

Confession #1412

I love you. I really do. But I can no longer control my desire to experiment with my long hidden bi side. I've placed a personal ad at an adult website looking for a female playmate. I just have to do it. I've wanted to for a really long time. It doesn't mean I don't love you or that there's anything wrong with us. It's something you can't give me. I'm gonna do it. And I'm going to enjoy every last minute of it!

Confession #1413

You know what? FUCK YOU IN THE ASS ALL THE WAY TO HELL is all I have to say to you.

Confession #1414

I had an affair 10 years ago with a co worker. It started innocent with flirting at work. Then one day we got sent to Florida for 5 days. Just the two of us. It started by him pulling me on his bed in his hotel room and we made out for probably 2 hours.

We made out like teenager for the 3 days while in Florida. He was getting ready to get married in November. Things cooled down somewhat until about 2 weeks before he was to get married. We were working late one night and made out in the office. On top of his desk, in a coworkers office.

He then left for several weeks while he got married and went on his honeymoon. When he came back in December, we talked and decided that we shouldn't be doing this. But, one night in February at his home, we had sex. It wasn't great, it lasted all of 2 minutes but I had sex with him. Eventually he left where I worked, I moved away and he moved away.

I still think about him becacuse he got me thru a very rough time in our marriage. I was weak because I would have left you if I hadn't been scared of where I would go.

Our marriage is stronger but not great. I haven't had another affair and won't. But, those few months that I had with this person was great and I do miss him at times.

Confession #1415

I am having an online affair with a man 15 years older than me. Although we've never met in person he makes me feel more special, more alive, more desirable, more beautiful than you EVER have in our 12 years of marriage.

If he lived closer to me, I would leave you for him in a heartbeat.

Confession #1416

I feel like I have lost so much this year.

So I am glad this 2006 shit is over. Part of me is anyway. Then another part of me wonders what more I will lose of myself THIS year. Which piece will go next?

When I was seven years old I wanted to be the president of the United States. When I was ten I wanted to be Miss America. When I was 13 I wanted to be the youngest best selling author-slash- Broadway sensation in America. When I was 15 I just wanted a boyfriend. And that want never stopped. I just wanted someone to live for. Fucking pathetic but it was how I was wired. How I AM wired. Boyfriends, to two fiances, to one husband.

And here I am still alone and wishing I had just stuck with the Miss America thing.

I got married over a year ago. I am still married. Legally. This year alone we have talked of separation probably half a dozen times, been separated once for a couple of weeks. We thought it was where we lived, so we moved. We thought it was our families so we distanced ourselves from them. We have fought about the petty things. Those are the things I have written about. "Haha men and their X Boxes. Haha men and their porn obsessions. Haha haha... ha ha. Hmmm."

I wish it was all about X Box. I wish it was all about all night binges on Halo and The Red Shoe Diaries. I wish I wish I wish...

I have been raised never to quit things yet I have always been a quitter. And for once in my life I vowed... "I will not quit this. I will make this work. IT WILL WORK."

So I told myself lies. I told myself I didn't matter. When he screamed at me, when he told me to get the fuck out of his life I told myself "I am hard to live with." When he told me he didn't want me because I wasn't as pretty as when we first met I told myself "Yes. He is right. Go to the gym. Do not let yourself go." When he told me he stayed with me because he felt sorry for me I said to myself "Yes. Of course." When he would scream at me for his being late for work because he turned the alarm off in his sleep and I didnt call him from my own work to wake him I thought "Yes. I am horrible. He shouldn't have to wake himself up. Its not like he's 25 years old or anything." When he told me he didn't want the same days off as me because he stated "I need my alone time. I don't need to see you that much." I thought "Yes. Again, I am not anything special. I will never be a woman a man can truly be in love with." When he would get violently drunk and fall asleep at the computer emailing numerous girls from high school telling them to send him naked pictures I thought "What could I do differently?" When he told me his whole family hated me I tried everything in my power to think of ways to get them to love me even though I could piss 4 million dollars worth of nickels on their door step and they would still wish I was someone else. I never understood who they wanted me to be. But I tried my damndest to be that someone. Jesus, pathetic. All of it.

He will never read this because he has no interest in what I have to say or do. He does not know I write. Well... He knows I type things sometimes. He doesn't know I have over 3300 pages of old journals, started novels, short stories, or articles... just on this computer. When I told him about the boxes and boxes of mead notebooks I had from when I was a kid he thought it was odd... Like collecting toenail clippings odd and never asked about it again. I don't sing in the shower anymore. I don't read as much. It all seems so trivial. But its as if he never knew my soul. Its as if he never cared.

And of course, I can be blamed still. I did marry him even knowing all of this.

I don't have any balls, literally or figuratively. And I use to have big ones! (Figuratively.) I prided myself on a strong sense of self-worth, identification, confidence and all those other Oprah-ish qualities you read about in magazines in Albertson's. The ones with the big headlines and the toothy brunette in pastels next to the big positive captioned woman mantras. I loved myself. I loved my life. (somewhat.) I was interesting to talk to. When I laughed it was real. It wasn't out of politeness. It wasn't out of not having any clue what else to do or say.

Part of me still fears losing him. Part of me is so scared of regretting him later, wishing I had kept trying. Its what keeps me still. Its what makes me apologize for arguments he starts and finishes. Its what makes me beg for him not to leave me, its what makes me turn into something that makes me sick.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

My life is literally in ruin. I can say that with little worry or care. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what the next step is. I just know there has to be something more then this. I always swore to myself this would never be me. And I am right in the thick of it, the thick of a nightmare. I have to get out of it. I have given this whole thing about 23 second chances. Well there's really no such thing as ANOTHER second chance is there?

The initial shame of it all went away a long time ago. I come from a family and community that still thinks of a dissolution of marriage as a sin. But all I can say is this... I haven't felt God in a long time. So this can't be something He would necessarily wish for me to sustain. I tell myself this and it makes me weep. Because the potential disappointment overwhelms me still, I can't completely fool myself about that. But I find myself slowly no longer caring what others will think.

I'm not one of those dumbass bitches that says "I deserve better" because no one deserves anything in life and love. What you get is what you demand. And I have to start demanding something else.

Because a part of me is still that sheepish teenage book worm who wants a love to live for. Not one that makes her feel like dying.

Confession #1417

I told you I was sorry and I'm not. I only said that so you would stop being a petulant child who probably would have ruined our New Year's Eve. I would have meant it if you had come to me immediately after you felt injured and voiced your concern and told me like man that I had hurt your feelings. But you decided to stuff it down like you always do and stew over the imaginary insult that you made up in your head. Then you sucked down 2 glasses of wine and got more and more pissed while becoming more surly to me until I had to fucking beat it out of you just so I could make my FAKE ASS APOLOGY to you so you could spend another hour (after said fake ass apology) sulking and pouting. Dickhead. You have no idea how lucky you are that I didn't kick you out in the cold, you fucking load. Maybe you do...I hope you do.
I'm only keeping you around now because I'm buried in debt (by the way, thanks for that!) and being a single parent would make my life a grueling nightmare. Have a good time while it lasts! Asshole!
You might actually be able to redeem yourself but I fucking doubt it, you self-centered prick.


Confession #1418

Sex last night was fabulous. I love how you can touch me right where you know I like to be touched. It might not be as exciting as a first time, but the comfort of you knowing my body as well as I know yours is priceless.

Confession #1419

When you cum first - on purpose - and tell me that you'll "catch me later" - I positively hate you. If I kept count, I would be first for the rest of my natural life, as you owe me that many. Selfish bastard.

Confession #1420

In a hundred different ways you are a wonderful husband to me, and father to my children. You are their real dad now that their bio-dad has dropped out of their lives. You have been there for them and me and given us such a great life. You are an incredible provider. And the way you can fix or build anything is miraculous.

You take care of us and I love feeling so secure knowing you are there to make everything right. You are so smart you amaze me.

BUT…

Why do you have to be such an ass to my son? You are so fantastic to all my other children. You spent many, many days helping my older son fix his car. You patiently put together (from scratch) a computer for my daughter. You love my grandson like he's your own.

But why do you hate my 20-year-old son? You tell him he's dumb. You mock him and say how lazy he is. You literally threw him out of the house one rainy night without socks and shoes and locked the door. He broke a window trying to get back in because he was so terrified. You tell me almost on a daily basis that you want him out of YOUR house. But where is he supposed to go?

You call him selfish and yell at him all the time that he doesn't "THINK." You say he has to learn to behave and not make all our lives miserable but how can he learn to behave from you? The only thing he's learning from you is to reject a family member merely because he's not behaving exactly how you want him to be.

My son has autism. What's your excuse?

I know living with a man/child with autism is incredibly hard. But you knew he had autism when you married me. I can't make it go away now. It's not a disease that can be cured. It's a lifelong neurological disorder. And there is nowhere for him to go right now. There's no place for him to live. He's my son and I love him and I won't throw him on the street.

Statistically second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages. Marriages with a child with autism have a failure rate up to 85%!!!! I figure any chances for our marriage to last are in the negative range with those odds. LOL. But I hope I can hang in there long enough to get my daughter through college. I want her to have a better life than me. A life that isn't dependent on a selfish, controlling, asshole husband.

If you weren't so good to my other children I would have left two years ago. I would work 2-3 jobs to get away from you and your shitty attitude to my son. But to leave now would be punishing my daughter and her future. She loves you and adores you.

But I hate you.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Two years your autistic son has had to deal with that abuse? That's two years too long, no matter HOW good he is to the rest of your family.

He's a bully, and he's picked the weakest one to show it.

Anonymous said...

I agree 100%.
You hit it dead on, 1:31.

Anonymous said...

1416: your confession touched me more than any have before. i could have written most of it myself. i've also been in a relationship that made me feel as if i'd lost myself somehow, made me feel as though i'd become someone i no longer liked. i swore i'd never be that woman, but i was. i hated myself for that for a long time. the only thing i can say is that one day you WILL get yourself back. it took me a long time, but i've finally got myself back.

"Because a part of me is still that sheepish teenage book worm who wants a love to live for. Not one that makes her feel like dying."

so am i, so am i.

Anonymous said...

1416:

If you think you've lost yourself after just a year, imagine how bad it is after ten or so. Leave now. You won't regret it.

Anonymous said...

Oh, 1416... you sound so witty, and smart and thoughtful. Don't let this happen to you. Your description of your teenage years paints exactly how girls fall apart, reduce, disappear. Your post was so moving. You've still got the chops, I can hear it.

It feels pretty asinine to try to give advice, but this is what worked for me: every time something happened that was awful and predictable, I tried, consciously and so hard, to react or make a decision that was one hundred and eighty degrees away from how I usually responded. If I thought about the decision I was about to make, or the same old reactive thought that was going to run through my head when he said something, I would almost physically wrench myself out of that direction and do the opposite. It was the most freeing thing and it saved my self. If he was a dick, I wouldn't go hide in the bedroom -- I'd pack up and go out and treat myself to a good dinner and a book. If he said something mean to me, I'd give it back to him and meaner to boot (and I'm not a mean person, but it felt right to give it back in double doses). No one wants to live that way, but somehow it gavde me the courage to get out of it. It's worth a try -- 180 degrees opposite, whatever that is. Just try it once, in a safe way; it might help.

No one deserves the shit you described. It will feel so good to be free, truly. You'll be able to build back up, you will.

Anonymous said...

1413:

Amen, sister.

Anonymous said...

Confession #1412

That's a pretty shitty thing you're doing to your husband.

Anonymous said...

#1416--my family is also of the firm belief that one should never divorce. In fact, I wasn't able to leave my husband until a year and a half after I announced I wanted a divorce because nobody in my family would help me and the kids out, and I had to find a way to set it all up on my own (note: in the long run, though, they realized what an ass he was and totally supported me...sometimes it takes time for them to come around). But all I can tell you is that once I did make that move, my life has been golden...and even though I didn't WANT to find that love to live for, I did, and we are really happy now (I think that experience went up as #1070). The first step, though, is chosing life and living over the death and depression and abuse your husband gives you. I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it is to move when you are struggling with lethargy due to the depression such a situation brings, so I wish you energy to get out of your situation with all haste...before he really does squash what is left of you.

Anonymous said...

#1420: You are choosing your daughter over your son? Doesn't he have enough to weigh him down for the rest of his life? Can you really live with knowing that you are allowing your husband to add many years of verbal and emotional abuse to what he will have to carry for the rest of his life?

If your daughter isn't autistic too, then she (and you) will find a way to work things out. Your son, however, all he has is you. Right now, it seems like you are letting him down.

Anonymous said...

I am #1420 and I wrote this confession after a very emotional night full of arguing, so it was written with a lot of anger (obviously). I’ve been with my husband for almost ten years, but the issue with my son has intensified over the last couple of years because my son has become increasingly violent. It’s a terrible situation and we’re all at our wit’s end.

I have futilely tried to get some help and at least get some respite. My ex-husband (the “real” father) has disappeared from his children’s lives. We never can even get a break from my son. I’m not trying to make excuses for my current husband’s actions but we’re dealing with a situation that is seemingly hopeless.

My husband has supported my children financially and in other manners. He’s not a total monster despite the confession I wrote. My daughter is very close to her stepfather. She would be devastated if we were to separate and she loses another father.

My son is mostly oblivious to how my husband treats him. Autism is a selfish disorder. They live in their own world and demand that their routines be the same. If there is a deviation from his routine he goes into a rage and most of his violence is directed towards me. Why? Because I’m his mother and he knows I’m a safe person to release all his rage on.

I tell my husband I can understand his frustration towards my son but his reactions to the situation are not making life easier for anyone. However, I may as well be talking to a brick wall. Someone commented and called my husband a bully, which is probably somewhat true. He has a controlling personality and right now his household is out of control and he’s fighting back to retain power.

All I can say is the good reasons for staying with my husband far outweigh the bad at this point. That may very well change in the future.

Anonymous said...

1420 it sounds to me that your son would be better off in an assisted living facility where he won't be subjected to his step fathers abuse. I can't imagine living and sleeping and loving a man who abused my child NO matter HOW difficult the child was.

Anonymous said...

1420 - Is therapy an option for your family?

I am sure that your son cannot simply chjange alot of the things that anger and frustrate you and your husband, and its no doubt difficult to deal with violent mood swings, BUT maybe the rest of the family, namely your husband and you, can go and learn how to handle those bad moments. You mentioned that the house is turned upside down, so even though your other child just loves her stepdad so much, she must still be feeling that effects of the strong tension.

I say go sit down with a specialist and learn how to handle the situations easier and better.

Anonymous said...

1420 - get some therapy so you and your husband can learn how to handle the violent moods.


Even though you say that your daughter loves her stepdad, and i'm sure she does, she is still going to feel the effects of a high tension household.

Anonymous said...

#1420 here again...and I will REPEAT what I've already said...I've tried to get help, including a place for my son to live, and there is no place available. Insurance won't cover therapy for my son.

Unless you have lived this life and tried to work through the bureacracy and red tape of getting help for a handicapped child you have no idea what I mean when I say there is NO HELP. I've been through this twice. He's not my only handicapped child.

I am looking into family therapy but it's not something my husband or daughter are willing to participate in.

I wrote the confession in a moment of pure anger but there's no way I can write and convey all the issues that are present. There's no way to explain it all. It's not a simple black or white issue.

I'm doing the best I can under circumstances that are not easy to endure. Just like all the other wives who write on here. We're all doing the best we can.

It's easy to sit on the other side and say what should or shouldn't be done.

Thanks for listening.

Anonymous said...

1420 the next time your son has an outburst, call 911 and have him institutionalized at least temporarily to get some medications.

Your husband just sounds frustrated to me, I don't see how all these posters are saying he's abusive--he's put up with a LOT! Unless any of you have been physically attacked by a grown, strong, mentally disabled man, you have NO IDEA what the hell you're talking about!

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Anonymous said...

1419: I read that behavior such as your lover's is sometimes referred to as a snorgasm. That's a horribly sadistic thing for him to do to you, and your anger is justified.

Mallory said...

1420:

I dated a guy that worked with young handicapped kids, a Big Brothers and Sister type of thing, and he would spend about 4+ hours a week with this awesome autistic boy. He was 17 and although he wasn't as violent as it sounds your son is, he did have his moments of course. His parents were at their wit's end, and those 4 hours a week seemed to help everyone involved.

Maybe look into something similiar for your son. Having someone he can look up to and admire and talk to, one on one, may help him out, and having those few hours a week without him (as bad as that sounds) may be exactly what you and your husband need.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

1420: It's sad that your husband and daughter won't go into therapy with you to try to resolve some of these issues. You know, we read these confessions on here and I know I at least imagine your tale happening every day but I'm sure that is not the case. At any rate, you are doing the best you can. Hell, my confession was written in anger too and today I'm head over heals. Good luck to you. I hope you find some help that everyone is willing to participate in.

Anonymous said...

1420: I am the mother of a son with Autism, and if ANYONE< EVER treated my son that way, he would be regretting it for the rest of his pathectic LIFE!!!! I don't know how you can put up with that?!!!

I understand about your son's voilence, and where it is directed- how do you think he felt- breaking a window to get to his SAFE PLACE???

Throw your husband out immediately!!! There is NO EXCUSE for what happended!

Special chldren need special people in thier lives, you are one, your husband is not.


As for your daughter, all I can say is, it must be very hard for her, if she is typically developing, and I just pray my other children don't react the same way.

I know its, tuff, believe me, I know. But you can't allow your son to even for a moment believe this man comes before him.

Good Luck, and God Bless
Erin

Anonymous said...

To the writer of #1416:

I wrote #1390.

If you were my daughter I would drag you away from that marraige right now. I would hate for your 'self" to be lost spent waiting to be appreciated.

Learn from my mistakes. He won't change. No matter how much you try to show him by example.

Please. Don't waste your prime years. Run fast and hard.

We only get what we settle for in life. I wish I'd learned that sooner, but I'm glad I did learn.

I'm sending positive vibes your way.

Anonymous said...

get out..for your son..its not fair for your daughter what about your poor son....come on get real....you must stand up for your son..otherwise what ever will happend is your fault....

Anonymous said...

get out..for your son..its not fair for your daughter what about your poor son....come on get real....you must stand up for your son..otherwise what ever will happend is your fault....

Anonymous said...

1427: Just so you know, I resent the money that a 2 income family has. I love my kids and I love taking care of them but I'm SO SICK of things being so tight. But somehow we manage. THis side of the fence is NOT all peaches and cream. But I too wish that you could be home with your babies. Sometimes...every great once and a while escape sounds like heaven.