For years I have been ashamed and nervous about my body. I never felt thin enough, perfect enough- and sometimes you would say it out loud. I never asked for oral sex because I didn't think men really liked it. On the few occasions I tried it with you, you always seemed irritated and couldn't wait for it to be done.
But with him? I feel beautiful. He loves giving me oral sex - I mean, REALLY loves it. Sex with him is so comfortable, so relaxing. He looks at me and I see a beautiful me in his eyes. He tells me I am amazing.
I wonder why I waited so long.
I love you. I really do. But I can no longer control my desire to experiment with my long hidden bi side. I've placed a personal ad at an adult website looking for a female playmate. I just have to do it. I've wanted to for a really long time. It doesn't mean I don't love you or that there's anything wrong with us. It's something you can't give me. I'm gonna do it. And I'm going to enjoy every last minute of it!
You know what? FUCK YOU IN THE ASS ALL THE WAY TO HELL is all I have to say to you.
I had an affair 10 years ago with a co worker. It started innocent with flirting at work. Then one day we got sent to Florida for 5 days. Just the two of us. It started by him pulling me on his bed in his hotel room and we made out for probably 2 hours.
We made out like teenager for the 3 days while in Florida. He was getting ready to get married in November. Things cooled down somewhat until about 2 weeks before he was to get married. We were working late one night and made out in the office. On top of his desk, in a coworkers office.
He then left for several weeks while he got married and went on his honeymoon. When he came back in December, we talked and decided that we shouldn't be doing this. But, one night in February at his home, we had sex. It wasn't great, it lasted all of 2 minutes but I had sex with him. Eventually he left where I worked, I moved away and he moved away.
I still think about him becacuse he got me thru a very rough time in our marriage. I was weak because I would have left you if I hadn't been scared of where I would go.
Our marriage is stronger but not great. I haven't had another affair and won't. But, those few months that I had with this person was great and I do miss him at times.
I am having an online affair with a man 15 years older than me. Although we've never met in person he makes me feel more special, more alive, more desirable, more beautiful than you EVER have in our 12 years of marriage.
If he lived closer to me, I would leave you for him in a heartbeat.
I feel like I have lost so much this year.
So I am glad this 2006 shit is over. Part of me is anyway. Then another part of me wonders what more I will lose of myself THIS year. Which piece will go next?
When I was seven years old I wanted to be the president of the United States. When I was ten I wanted to be Miss America. When I was 13 I wanted to be the youngest best selling author-slash- Broadway sensation in America. When I was 15 I just wanted a boyfriend. And that want never stopped. I just wanted someone to live for. Fucking pathetic but it was how I was wired. How I AM wired. Boyfriends, to two fiances, to one husband.
And here I am still alone and wishing I had just stuck with the Miss America thing.
I got married over a year ago. I am still married. Legally. This year alone we have talked of separation probably half a dozen times, been separated once for a couple of weeks. We thought it was where we lived, so we moved. We thought it was our families so we distanced ourselves from them. We have fought about the petty things. Those are the things I have written about. "Haha men and their X Boxes. Haha men and their porn obsessions. Haha haha... ha ha. Hmmm."
I wish it was all about X Box. I wish it was all about all night binges on Halo and The Red Shoe Diaries. I wish I wish I wish...
I have been raised never to quit things yet I have always been a quitter. And for once in my life I vowed... "I will not quit this. I will make this work. IT WILL WORK."
So I told myself lies. I told myself I didn't matter. When he screamed at me, when he told me to get the fuck out of his life I told myself "I am hard to live with." When he told me he didn't want me because I wasn't as pretty as when we first met I told myself "Yes. He is right. Go to the gym. Do not let yourself go." When he told me he stayed with me because he felt sorry for me I said to myself "Yes. Of course." When he would scream at me for his being late for work because he turned the alarm off in his sleep and I didnt call him from my own work to wake him I thought "Yes. I am horrible. He shouldn't have to wake himself up. Its not like he's 25 years old or anything." When he told me he didn't want the same days off as me because he stated "I need my alone time. I don't need to see you that much." I thought "Yes. Again, I am not anything special. I will never be a woman a man can truly be in love with." When he would get violently drunk and fall asleep at the computer emailing numerous girls from high school telling them to send him naked pictures I thought "What could I do differently?" When he told me his whole family hated me I tried everything in my power to think of ways to get them to love me even though I could piss 4 million dollars worth of nickels on their door step and they would still wish I was someone else. I never understood who they wanted me to be. But I tried my damndest to be that someone. Jesus, pathetic. All of it.
He will never read this because he has no interest in what I have to say or do. He does not know I write. Well... He knows I type things sometimes. He doesn't know I have over 3300 pages of old journals, started novels, short stories, or articles... just on this computer. When I told him about the boxes and boxes of mead notebooks I had from when I was a kid he thought it was odd... Like collecting toenail clippings odd and never asked about it again. I don't sing in the shower anymore. I don't read as much. It all seems so trivial. But its as if he never knew my soul. Its as if he never cared.
And of course, I can be blamed still. I did marry him even knowing all of this.
I don't have any balls, literally or figuratively. And I use to have big ones! (Figuratively.) I prided myself on a strong sense of self-worth, identification, confidence and all those other Oprah-ish qualities you read about in magazines in Albertson's. The ones with the big headlines and the toothy brunette in pastels next to the big positive captioned woman mantras. I loved myself. I loved my life. (somewhat.) I was interesting to talk to. When I laughed it was real. It wasn't out of politeness. It wasn't out of not having any clue what else to do or say.
Part of me still fears losing him. Part of me is so scared of regretting him later, wishing I had kept trying. Its what keeps me still. Its what makes me apologize for arguments he starts and finishes. Its what makes me beg for him not to leave me, its what makes me turn into something that makes me sick.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
My life is literally in ruin. I can say that with little worry or care. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what the next step is. I just know there has to be something more then this. I always swore to myself this would never be me. And I am right in the thick of it, the thick of a nightmare. I have to get out of it. I have given this whole thing about 23 second chances. Well there's really no such thing as ANOTHER second chance is there?
The initial shame of it all went away a long time ago. I come from a family and community that still thinks of a dissolution of marriage as a sin. But all I can say is this... I haven't felt God in a long time. So this can't be something He would necessarily wish for me to sustain. I tell myself this and it makes me weep. Because the potential disappointment overwhelms me still, I can't completely fool myself about that. But I find myself slowly no longer caring what others will think.
I'm not one of those dumbass bitches that says "I deserve better" because no one deserves anything in life and love. What you get is what you demand. And I have to start demanding something else.
Because a part of me is still that sheepish teenage book worm who wants a love to live for. Not one that makes her feel like dying.
I told you I was sorry and I'm not. I only said that so you would stop being a petulant child who probably would have ruined our New Year's Eve. I would have meant it if you had come to me immediately after you felt injured and voiced your concern and told me like man that I had hurt your feelings. But you decided to stuff it down like you always do and stew over the imaginary insult that you made up in your head. Then you sucked down 2 glasses of wine and got more and more pissed while becoming more surly to me until I had to fucking beat it out of you just so I could make my FAKE ASS APOLOGY to you so you could spend another hour (after said fake ass apology) sulking and pouting. Dickhead. You have no idea how lucky you are that I didn't kick you out in the cold, you fucking load. Maybe you do...I hope you do.
I'm only keeping you around now because I'm buried in debt (by the way, thanks for that!) and being a single parent would make my life a grueling nightmare. Have a good time while it lasts! Asshole!
You might actually be able to redeem yourself but I fucking doubt it, you self-centered prick.
Sex last night was fabulous. I love how you can touch me right where you know I like to be touched. It might not be as exciting as a first time, but the comfort of you knowing my body as well as I know yours is priceless.
When you cum first - on purpose - and tell me that you'll "catch me later" - I positively hate you. If I kept count, I would be first for the rest of my natural life, as you owe me that many. Selfish bastard.
In a hundred different ways you are a wonderful husband to me, and father to my children. You are their real dad now that their bio-dad has dropped out of their lives. You have been there for them and me and given us such a great life. You are an incredible provider. And the way you can fix or build anything is miraculous.
You take care of us and I love feeling so secure knowing you are there to make everything right. You are so smart you amaze me.
Why do you have to be such an ass to my son? You are so fantastic to all my other children. You spent many, many days helping my older son fix his car. You patiently put together (from scratch) a computer for my daughter. You love my grandson like he's your own.
But why do you hate my 20-year-old son? You tell him he's dumb. You mock him and say how lazy he is. You literally threw him out of the house one rainy night without socks and shoes and locked the door. He broke a window trying to get back in because he was so terrified. You tell me almost on a daily basis that you want him out of YOUR house. But where is he supposed to go?
You call him selfish and yell at him all the time that he doesn't "THINK." You say he has to learn to behave and not make all our lives miserable but how can he learn to behave from you? The only thing he's learning from you is to reject a family member merely because he's not behaving exactly how you want him to be.
My son has autism. What's your excuse?
I know living with a man/child with autism is incredibly hard. But you knew he had autism when you married me. I can't make it go away now. It's not a disease that can be cured. It's a lifelong neurological disorder. And there is nowhere for him to go right now. There's no place for him to live. He's my son and I love him and I won't throw him on the street.
Statistically second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages. Marriages with a child with autism have a failure rate up to 85%!!!! I figure any chances for our marriage to last are in the negative range with those odds. LOL. But I hope I can hang in there long enough to get my daughter through college. I want her to have a better life than me. A life that isn't dependent on a selfish, controlling, asshole husband.
If you weren't so good to my other children I would have left two years ago. I would work 2-3 jobs to get away from you and your shitty attitude to my son. But to leave now would be punishing my daughter and her future. She loves you and adores you.
But I hate you.