Sometimes I feel like I could do better than you. Someone more sophisticated, smarter, someone who likes to read the latest bestesellers like I do and wants to take me to plays. Someone who doesn't think it's hilarious to shoot beer cans and that a good Friday night date is going to the drag races. But then I realize that if I was married to someone like that he probably couldn't make me laugh the way you do, he probably wouldn't load the dishwasher or take clothes out of the dryer without being asked, and probably would be too busy with his corporate job to go to our son's preschool Halloween party (you were the ONLY dad there:) He would probably never understand my emotional baggage and roller coaster mood swings and deal with it all in stride like you do when you wrap your arms around me and just tell me you love me anyway. We are VERY different people in so many ways, but that doesn't mean we aren't perfect together. I'll make you a deal - if you will smile and nod when I want to go see a movie with subtitles and I buy 5 new books from Barnes & Noble because I can't decide which one to read first, I will go to the drag races and sincerely try to enjoy it and I will sit with you in the garage while you "tinker" on that car you've had since high school.
When your best friend of 30 years was going through a rough time with
his divorce I listened to him. I looked forward to the time I spent
online chatting with him after you went to bed. I found myself
getting more and more attracted to this man I used to barely
tolerate. Oh - the thought did race through my mind about how
exciting it would be to have a fling with him. But never did I let
him know that I secretly was attracted to him, while I listened and
listened to him night after night. Now he is pretty much healed from
his breakup and actually dating again. It has been months since I
have had the feelings of attraction towards him. My dear husband, I
love you very much and I hope that we will eventually fall madly in
love with each other as we did 15 years ago when we were first
married. I wish I could tell you that my heart strayed for a bit but
I never will because I love you so much and I would never want to
hurt you. You are a very good man but you just don't know how to
fulfill my emotional needs. I'm not giving up on you yet.
If you are not going to listen to a word I say, please don't stand there and swear up and down that I didn't say something. Worse yet, don't swear up and down I said something that I didn't. You are deaf as a door nail. Everyone else knows that you are going to be the spokesperson for Miracle Ear in a couple years.You are just in denial. You may know what you think you heard, but I know what I said! That is so arrogant! If you are playing playstation (or whatever), don't ask me "huh?" if you have no intention of listening to me a second time.
Oh and one last thing, I don't call that often. If you cannot pay attention to my call, turn of the f(@#*$ television while I am on the phone. As much as I'd like to tell myself you have adult ADD, I think you are truly just self absorbed and inconsiderate.
Now that I have addressed your inability to listen, next time I'd like to confess how much your inability to relay information to me make me crazy!
Other than your communication skills (or lack of), I love you very much!
You don't have to strong all the time, you know. Admitting you are human, expressing fear or doubt - these things don't make me love you less. It is when you hold it all inside and pretend like you are invincible that I don't like you very much.
I want to be married to a human male, not a superman. Letting me shoulder some of this stress would help.
Confession #1295,1296, 1297,1298 and 1299
im not your wife or girlfriend or your partner, but you feel like everything when i see you.
i didn't want to see you at the reunion. you hurt me more than any person ever, and i gave you another chance after 2 years of not speaking because I couldn't NOT do it. What's between us felt so strong, and I had to believe it was mutual. Who knows if it is or not.
I have to give up the idea that you are so much of everything to me. My feelings for you are inextricably tied up in the pain and emptiness I felt when we became such close friends. I think there is something distinct about the "between-us" ness...though, because when i was with you, i didn't need to or want to make you my "Everything," i just enjoyed living IN the stuff that was between us. I felt naked and transparent besides having just learned that I should never be so. I knew i SAW you and I didn't deny it for fear of being presumptuous. It just was. Even though i couldnt look at you when you looked at me the way you did for two years and I wasn't ready to return the glance.
Now i return the gaze and when you look at me my heart stops.
it feels trite and fake to talk about it. this between-ness between-us thing that i can't explain. that i can't entangle from my other feelings of pain and need that were woven into our friendship and relationship.
But you didn't act the way I felt. And I thought you should be lucky I was even willing to be open to you. But I was. Am? I probably shouldn't be. I don't want to be holding a door for you. But I can't deny that when you come back around it feels like I've been waiting. Even if I think I've forgotten you and us. It hurt so bad to have to close back up again.
I know it didn't make sense because I was moving out of state in a few weeks, but even I couldn't stop myself from feeling what I was feeling. I guess you could. You were hampered by your past. And I can understand that because I often am too. But don't tell me, and don't tell yourself that you were acting for ME. if you think you were thinking of me, you need to reexamine yourself. Because thinking of me really means you THINK you know whats best for me (which you don't) and your acting on that defies my dignity as a person, to know what is best for myself. As if I needed you to act in my best interests because I'm not capable.
And so your apology this weekend stung. It was an accidental apology - you might have guessed you'd see me at the reunion. I was subconsciously dreaming of you out of the blue the week before. I figured just as we'd ignored each other a year ago, you'd stay away from me and I'd inevitably stay away from you. I can't understand how you can keep hurting me and then claim the ball is in my court. I'm only too willing to forgive but you need to GIVE me an apology and more than just lip service.
You came over to say things were awkward and you wanted to open the lines of communication. I asked you who was the one who said I'd stil be around for you to come back and talk to when you were done with the mess of a girlfriend who told you you couldn't be friends with me. Ok...but you asked me to take your number and call if "I needed." Why? What would I call you for? I don't NEED anything from you. I'm the only one that can make sure my needs are fulfilled. Everything else is just icing and sprinkles. Part of that is my piece - I never realized how much I have craved for my needs to be fulfilled. But don't lock me in that story.
What about what YOU need? If you want to talk to me, why not act for YOU, and not try to act for other people. When you try to act for other people, you patronize them. You told me you pushed me away because I was moving. I told you you made me feel like I was crazy. You nodded and said you were sorry.
You took too MUCH responsibility,. made me feel like that passive victim. As if stuff is just always done to me. And you're happier and wiser and can grandiosely apologize because you just so sympathetically wish I could be happy too.
Well cut it out - you're not just the asshole and I'm not the victim.
You hurt me, but maybe you didn't want what I want. Maybe you didn't feel what I feel. If you did, you couldn't have done what you did. Years ago you responded that "the opposite was true." Yet you still hurt me worse than anyone.
This weekend you were in front of me. And looking at me I looked at you and I swear all that STUFF was there in between us and I wish it wasn't. It felt like blades stabbing into me. I didn't want to be touched that close. Especially for you to remove the knife and just float away.
Do you feel absolved because you apologized? And now you can sleep well knowing that if poor me needs something, I can have someone to call? Of course you couldn't call me because you want to make sure I feel comfortable and let me do what I feel?! STOP DELUDING YOURSELF that you KNOW how to take care of other people. You don't. What kind of gift is that? The best gift you could give me is to do what YOU feel. Call ME if you want to, DON'T, if you don't. Don't do me any favors. I don't NEED anything from you.
but I have wants.
You told me "I KNOW you. I know you had to leave...I didn't want to ...I couldn't have you staying like..."
Well then you DIDN'T know me. You were thinking of your last girflriend. (you nodded when I told you this.) So then, it wasn't about me. It was you convincing yourself it was about me when really it was your idea of me that was distorted and confused with YOU and your ideas from your past.
I'm not your exes. I wasn't about to stay for you. Plus you can't control my decisions. You can say you want me. You can say you want me to stay. You can say you want to be with me. You can say you don't want to be with me, and you can say you don't want to do distance. But allow me the DIGNITY to make my own decisions and choices. Don't flatter yourself that they are so tied to you that if you say what YOU feel and need, that I will buckle to that.
But you didn't. I'm not sure that you can or know how.
And I want. I don't know what I want. I don't want to just say I want YOU. Or that I want that FEELING. (a girlfriend asked - do you want that feeling with him or with anyone?) It's not about a THING, its not about wanting an object or having a tangible desire. I just WANT. That betweenness. BETWEENUS. I can't even rationalize and think my way around it. It was just straight raw feeling. Consuming feeling and being.
And you taunted me with the idea of contact with you, of having "lines of communication open"...the idea of that friendship, that closeness we had, before the mess or before I even returned the romantic feelings. The intimacy back before codependency. Just having someone to talk to and feel close with and share with. WIthout me feeling entangled in them or by them.
I'd forgotten that feeling. I'd forgotten ever having had that or felt that. And how I mourned last night for that feeling. Because in comparison I feel barer, emptier, this big space around me. I have deep emptiness inside me as well, and instead of trying to fill the space outside of me, connecting me to other people, I got tangled up trying to pull everything outside me within. I tried to populate the wrong space ended up losing myself in the midst. Now that I'm healing my insides (an insider job), I haven't noticed the space between myself and others. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm busy healing myself, filling my own outlines. But seeing you reminded me of that space outside myself between me and others. And it seemed so gaping and huge. So cavernous and barren. Because I suddenly remembered what it was like to be close. When I didn't have to focus so much internally, when I was fuller inside and out.
And oh jesus it hurts, because you were there. I remember when you were there. And i really don't think you had even leaked inside. I think it was healthy, for the most part. Us. Despite the fact that individually both of us have stuff. Lots of similar self-abusive stuff.
SO you tried to bestow this great gift of "open communication" which really meant - you get to feel better knowing poor me can call you if I NEED. You asked if I still had your number and I didn't so you put it in my phone. Then you found a funny and awkward way of mentioning you had a "kinda new girlfriend." Flag #1.
I had to ask - how does she feel about you having friends? "We're working on it." Flag #2. Why don't YOU take MY number (did he not just communicate that me calling him wasn't really an option. had we not been through that before??) He hesitated. FLAG #3. RUN, RUN LIKE HELL. (But of course I can't because I'm caught in the gaze. It's by far the strongest adhesive I've ever had contact with.)
He took my number. (He won't use it.) He'll have convinced himself he's done good. He's apologized, he's been the bigger man to take all the responsibility and feel pity for the poor girl who seems to always bear the brunt of it. And now, she knows she can call him if she NEEDS. But of course she can't. I can't. We hug and it feels tense. Not like the feeling I see/feel in the gaze. But like I said, he must not feel what I feel or he couldn't do what he does. Maybe he looks at everyone that way.
I leave the place bleeding from my wounds. Like a faulty nail gun. Posing to put in a nail -- as if to accomplish something productive and practical -- he actually retracts the nail just as soon as it is shot through. Leaving bloody entrails and the sad remains of a failed attempt to make contact. I only wonder if he carries my blood with him or quickly wipes the apparatus clean.
I wanted your husband because I've known him since we were kids. He's the first one that made me speechless at the sight of him.
I joined a gym without knowing that he was a member. He flirted, made me feel human. And wanted. The more that I ignored him the more he came running to me. Subtle (haha) things, jumping on the machine next to me, wacking me with the towel playfully.
Then I confessed my feelings to him. Then I heard from your son how (when asked by a classmate) why his dad wasn't working out any longer, and he said (without him seeing me) "my mom won't let him."
I wanted his child, but invitro- you know, science can do that these days.
Then I saw how whipped he was and I saw a scared little boy who was so afraid of you that he jumps before you even say anything.
Anybody that is that much of a wimp is NOT the kind of guy that I want nor need. Besides, it's all been a game the whole way, from the start of your marriage. He had a friend (he's the last person your husband should know is is "best friend" even when we were kids. )
People pulled my strings but not any more. And I see people for who they are. The puppetmaster is a pothead that has such a boring life that we were his/her entertainment. He told me you were thinking about becoming engaged when I wrote you that letter. You were - in reality unknown to me - married for a couple of years. And it is those two people (one female, one male) who have undermined your marriage from day one. Why would your husband show you the letter to begin with? That was unnecessary, and I'm sorry he was the one who put that fear in you. Not to mention that I'm sure the people responsible jokingly told you all about me and how I was the butt of everyones' joke.
But I have the last laugh. I feel sorry for you because you don't realize how much you've been played. Why else would your husband keep all of my emails and let you see them if they meant nothing from him. Worse yet, why did he never block my emails?
I realized that one) thank Heaven that we never slept together. He wouldn't have been worth it.
two) I feel young again (you really need to tone down on the makeup). Renewed in spirit, because I am now free.
three) it's kind of pathetic and endearing at the same time, that 6 people would spend so much time, effort and time into how my life was going.
four) I realize that I deserve someone much better. In so many ways and on so many levels.
I wrote you an email telling you how much he loves you. I was being nice. Anybody that would abuse me emotionally like he has done to you may or not deserve you, but he certainly doesn't even enter my radar any longer.
Now as I grab the reigns of my life, I laugh at the irony of it all - riding away with my steed and looking back only to see all of you in my dust. And the mess that you have all made of your own lives. Pity.
Go see "The Fountain," it may just give you a clue