To my so called husband:
Today was Christmas, a time to be with you wife & kids and enjoy the day. So I thought. This was going to be our last Christmas together. You couldn't refrain from texting your whore of a girlfriend for one day and then got pissed off at me because I saw the message! How does that work??!! How can I be blamed for the affair that you are having? You tell me she is just a friend, but I'm sorry there is no need for a married man w/3 kids to text a single girl (who used to be a friend of mine) over 120 times a day. I don't know how much you actually talk on the phone, but I'm sure it's a whole lot & she probably calls you so it won't be on the phone bill. You disappeared 3 nights ago all night long, told me you slept in your truck, do you really think I believe that line of bullshit? It's 40 degrees outside & you had on a t-shirt & the heater in your truck barely works. UGHHHHHHHH!! I get so frustrated at your lies. If you are man enough to have an affair, why can't you be man enough to admit it.
I truly hate you for the things you are doing to me right now. You are putting me through hell at what should be one of the best times of my life. I just graduated from college, everything was finally starting to go right for us, until I introduced you to her. You've only known her for a month & you're willing to throw away 15 years of being together, not to mention the 3 kids that we have. That really makes me feel like shit. I've never in my life ever thought about killing myself, but lately everyday I think about multiple ways to do it, the only thing that stops me is our kids. I just wanna hurt you & make you feel as miserable as I do. Hell, honestly you would probably be happy and not give a shit.
You now have asked me to separate, obviously. Yet you still want to live in this house with me & our kids. So basically, you want me to live w/you, & let you do whatever the hell you want to do. And you even gave me permission to date whoever I wanted to, but you just couldn't see them or you would kick their ass. Oh and you mentioned us still having sex every once in a while, WTF!!! Are you seriously on drugs or what??? So let me recap this again, you want us to separate & u can see whoever we want but you want me to hide it cuz you couldn't imagine seeing me with anyone else, but you want me to still have sex with you if you want, and of course not mention any of this to our kids? OMG I have never seen such a screwed up way of thinking in my entire life!!!!
I have given you my entire life, I have been with you since I was 14 years old. I have done pretty much anything & everything you have wanted. I feel like you just used me until something better came along. I really now doubt every deployment you had throughout your Navy career, if you can do this shit right in front of me, what the hell would stop you from doing it in multiple states & countries where I don't know anyone.
I feel lost in a world that I really thought I knew so well. I feel like my whole world has crashed in on me & I'm just standing in the middle of it just watching & I can't do anything to fix it. I cry at least once a day, and now seems I am more angry all day long with the entire world, except my kids. I hate that I let a stupid man make me feel like I'm nothing, make me feel like I could never make anyone happy, and make me feel so horrible about myself. I really feel like you've ruined me, you have destroyed my ego, my self esteem, my faith in love, my trust in people, my sense of completeness, and the security of my family.
I really don't want to talk to anyone, I really just wanna crawl in a hole somewhere & just hide. I wanna run away from you, from her, from here. I wanna be alone so bad just so I can try and figure all this out, but I'm really afraid that if I stay alone for too long without seeing my kids, that I will do something I can't take back. Those kids are my only reason for being here right now, let me tell you. I don't want to ruin their life, but god help me cuz I would love to ruin yours. I want to hurt you so bad emotionally that you feel like I do.
We are just 3 days from our 15th wedding anniversary. I have been asking you for a year to express to me why we are together - why it's worth it all when every time we argue you say we aren't going to make it. Just tell me something you like about me that's not about how I clean up after the kids.....I am successful at everything I do and everyone sees it but you.
I started sleeping with another man this week. I'm not going to want him to leave his wife - I just want to feel wanted. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm going to be with him as much as I can for awhile. I don't even feel bad about it.
Hopefully I can come back to you and still feel loved. He makes me feel happy about myself for now. That's good enough for me. If we didn't have our 4 children, I might leave you but they need us both and I'll stay until they are older. This will just make me feel better. You admit you've been ignoring me for years.
You're so damn smooth. Everyone at work just thinks you're the man. You drive the coolest truck and manage to look cool slingin parts in a factory. Of course you would be the one to screw the boss. I just want you to know that I know that you live with your parents and arent all that cool. The sex is ok, it takes more than a big dick and I dont think you understand that. The only thing that keeps me coming back is when were alone and you are honest with me I feel like I could fall in love.
Would it be possible to trust me on SOME parenting decisions? You do not need to be involved in every little thing, offering opposing opinions to every thing I say. It drives me crazy. I say "Maybe she should go to the doctor"- and you pop up to argue how it is just a minor sniffle. I say it's just a slight cold, and you argue that I am letting my child waste away from tuberculosis. Give it a rest.
I hate it that we work different shifts. You've only been doing this now for a few months, but it seems like forever. It's like this invisible thing that's wedged between us and we barely know each other anymore. Since we rarely spend any time together anymore, when we do, we can't stand to. Everyday this weekend we fought about something. It makes my heart sad. I feel like you are deliberately acting like an asshole and sometimes, to retaliate, I deliberately act like one too. It just sucks and I don't know what to do about it. Because of the kids, I can't work nights and you can't choose your shift. But we REALLY have to do something to change this because we are headed down a terrible path. And I hate that I am basically a single mother.
Also, if you don't start helping me out more with the housework, I am going to hurt you. Really. I can't do it all myself and take care of the kids and work full time. Well, I probably can, but I shouldn't have to. I am sick of being your own personal alarm clock. Because contrary to what you believe, I don't have time to call you to wake you up. That's why you have an alarm clock. Set the damn thing already. And it's REALLY irritating to call you to try and wake you and you ask me to call you back in five minutes, which I do and then you fall back asleep anyway and then blame me when you are late for work.
Boy, it feels good to let this all out.
But I do appreciate the fact that you are the greatest lover I have been with and always make sure that's it's not all about you. I really appreciate that, even if I am not in the mood as much as you are.
And thanks for all my Christmas gifts. You are always great about those too. I could definitely improve there.
Can I just tell you how much I freaking can't stand your mother sometimes. I mean, I like her which is strange because I can't stand her as well. She is just so damn opinionated and nosey and it kills me. I know her and your ex and ass buddies or something but I have NO DESIRE to be her best bud. Ok? I mean, you have not pushed that off on me but damnit, does every situation in our lives here have to be akward?! I say NO damnit. Can we just do one thing that doesn't require her to pipe up with suggestion or volunteering us for some bullshit? She alright sometimes, but there is always this strange vibe between us and I just want to slap her sometimes. And, it makes me want to slap you because when she wants to lecture you like you're a child and you just sit there. I hate that. Why don't you just tell her it's none of her damn business you know? You say that you can't even hear half the stuff she says and that you just let her say whatever and ignore her, but why can't you just say....thanks but no thanks mom. I guess you just don't want to hurt her feelings. That's really sweet babe, but I can't stand her sometimes!
What do you have against me relaxing? I swear, Everytime I sit down or (gasp!) try to take a nap - There you are. Trying to get me up and going something. Your wierd pathological need to make sure that I am as high strung and wired as you is disturbing. Doing nothing sometimes is a GOOD thing. This is why I make sure your life insurance is up to date - your death by stroke is a near certainty.
When I tell you that there is something wrong with your guy-friend...I mean it. I can spot the psychos a mile away and he is one. Stop defending him. Stop trying to explain his wierd behavior.
I must purge you from my head. So, I intentionally make images that wound me. The day you left me. The day you told me that you didn't want to have a baby with me. The look of fear in your face as you only thought about yourself and fled. I should hate you. But I don't. I never have. So I find more wounding images - you telling me you still had feelings for me after all these years when you found me. That you have a wife and three kids. Children I was apparently not good enough to have with you. I remember the last time we talked on the phone - how sad you sounded when you told me we needed to stop this. How your voice cracked a little. How I cried when I hung up the phone. So, in order to get you out, I find images. Maybe you and your wife are expecting another child? Maybe you and your wife are wildly happy? I don't know - but I must imagine you happy. I must imagine you surrounded by your children. I must imagine that you are wildly in love with your wife. Because if I don't, the temptation to come to you is life threatening for me. Time hasn't made me forget you - but I hope to hell it does.
For those of you who post, have you ever wondered if people listen to what all you say? Well wonder no more. I was on a certain website one day, a site a lot like this one in fact, except lets call it TruePhilanderingWifeConfessions, when I came upon Xmas gift ideas; one of which said, get him a sundial!
Hmm. A portable sundial instead of a watch. Sounds interesting. So I go to the site and it lists the best seller as the Aquitaine. The description sayz, ”..Henry II was notoriously late for his love trysts with his mistress and eventual wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine (he was usually on a hunt). In 1152 Eleanor had a special, portable sundial created for him so that he'd know when to leave the hunt to meet her.”
I guess I was amused by this no end. I could think of it as sexy, what with a hunt and all. I also guess I thought I could just scratch out the, “eventual wife” part, if that was on the paperwork.
I weigh the pros and cons and decide,..how romantic! He’ll never be expecting this! Then I go to order it. And whadda’y know! It costs almost as much to mail it to me, as it does for the item itself. You gotta wonder. Just how much do I love this man anyway? I end up justifying it by thinking its just as important to support the Canadians as it is to buy Chinese. Maybe even more so! So I buy a 45 dollar pewter key chain sight unseen.
I guess another way of looking at why I must do the frivolous is, love is blind. Unfortunately the rest of me is not blind. I can actually see quite well. So imagine my surprise when the envelope arrives and I read two things. The first words are, Imitation Pewter, loud and clear across the packaging.
Imitation pewter? What in hell does that mean? Pewter is the least expensive of all metals to begin with! You can get pewter figurines for 5 dollars anymore! So does this mean it’s actually pricier than it may seem? Are these words of encouragement? Why then do I suddenly feel taken?
Ok ok. I do calm down after my initial unease. I’m mean, its here. Wont be sending it back now will I, if it costs another fifteen dollars to mail it 100 miles. I guess I could always drive it back if I needed a day away. Besides, my lover never know and I wont tell him. I’ll just show him how to use it instead.
Well let me tell you. Henry could sure fudge with Eleanor when late, what with the accuracy of this thing. What time is it anyway? Its most definitely one o’clock by the looks of it. Oh no, make that two o’clock. Perhaps three? Geez Mareez! It’s obviously the thought that counts with this! Think real hard and maybe your man will decide to come see you sometime. Because any other way he just won’t make it on time!
I yi yi. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking. I was thinking this was a lovers thing. He’ll most definitely “get it” when he reads the label. So I read the label. And it says, “”Henry…would know when to leave the hunt to return to his beloved wife.” WHAT? His beloved wife! What happened to romantic unmarried trysts and all that? This must be the cleaned up Wal-Mart version! They can’t even bring themselves to suggest the lovers weren’t married to one another?
Suddenly my last lovers rendezvous revisits my own imagination. This is like way too déjà vu. The packaging has it exactly right. There we are in the hotel room when his cell phone rings and his wife goes, Where are you? Look at the time! Come home right now!
OK OK. I get it universe. This is the great cosmic joke. Merry Xmas lover boy! Here’s a present that endlessly reminds you, your wife is calling! Better get home quick! Never forget the night we both panicked!
So what does everyone think? E Bay? I’ll go one step further I think. Brand new packaging with a story of my own. What does he know of Eleanor and Henry. Ha! I’ll make it about Henry Miller and Anais Nin or something. It'll be the bohemian Xmas instead of the Renaissance Xmas this year. Pays to be an artist sometimes. Doesn't it?