I broke all of my own rules when I agreed to meet you. You are too young for me, but there was something about you that I liked.
So when we ended up in a compromising position, I figured - why not. But stupid me. It wasn't me that you were with in your mind...it was THE ex-girlfriend. You weren't there with me at all. And now I surprised that my feelings are hurt. I shouldn't be. It was my own stupidity.
I know that sometimes I complain about you not helping around the
house while I am in an insane grad program...and it is true, I would
certainly retain more sanity if this were to happen. But you are
wonderful in so many other ways. I know you work your behind off for
us, and I love you and I appreciate you. I will try to tell you more
When I do something you don't like, instead of asking me not to do it again, you have to bludgeon me with it. Over, and over, and over. I apologize once - not good enough. You have to keep at it until I feel 2 inches tall.
Way to go, prick. Feel better now?
PLEASE!!!!! Close your mouth when you chew your gum!
I love you. I love how we are putting so much more effort in this time.
I know that sometimes I get SO frustrated with the things you do - but as
time passes I realize that I should try to accept some of these things
instead of trying to change them. Those months apart was the absolute worst
time of my life, and I am so grateful that we were given a second shot at
this. I could never ask for a better friend than you, let's make is last
forever this time. I heart you.
Even though I know it would turn out awfully, I still wish you'd find
some way to find me and beg for my forgiveness.
I've decided that I have to find a way to hate you. It seems the only way that I can kill the urge to be with you.
Budgeting money so I can go back into therapy is the kindest thing you have ever done.
Our love is not conventional. When I met you, I knew that you were not like any other man that I had ever been with. Sure, you piss me off more than I thought humanly possible. Sure, I have been a lousy wife. But you still love me, still support me. You don't understand me, but that doesn't seem to bother you. How I got the winning husband ticket in the marriage lottery, I will never know - but I am grateful. You have my loyalty forever - even if I occasionally share my body with someone else.
I resent you more than you'll ever know. To a degree I have told you what's in this letter, but lately as your mediocre status as a father and husband stumbles towards shitty, I feel it even more.
You know that finishing college has been a dream of mine. I made mistakes in my past that were no fault of yours, but this time, I blame you.
When I started back at college 5 yearsa ago you were so jealous you couldn't see straight. We fought daily. At the time I qualified for a full Pell Grant and we only had to pay for my books. Still, you hated forking over even a dime towards my education. You reluctantly agreed, but not without fighting with me, adding guilt and complaining the whole time. Yah, you gave me the $300 for books, but I paid for it every step of the way. Do you remember that we very literally fought about it every time I had to go to class? Still, for 3 semesters I attended and maintained a 4.0 average while still raising our children pretty much solo. When it came time to reapply for the grant again, unfortunately, I qualified for less and you put a stop to my going. You refused to pay for any of it and you didn't want me applying for student loans either because that would just add more debt. I reluctantly (STUPIDLY) agreed. Since then, I've been a stay at home mom and have created a wonderful home and raised two of the most awesome kids. But school was never far from my mind and I've always been vocal about that. There came a time when I had to find work for money. Unfortunately, there aren't many job options in the town we live in and I worked retail for minimum wage. I don't mean to sound egotistical, but I am so much better than that. But beggars can't be choosers. Without a degree and with limited work experience I'm not worth much to the outside world.
It was always agreed that when our youngest started school full time I could go back to the university. He started this year, but financially, you said school wasn't an option for me--that I should wait a couple of more years. Isn't it funny that while you've told me this each time I brought up the issue of going back you've racked up over $10,000 in student loans. I hate you for it.
You have a career in the military. Yes, I know you've always wanted a degree, too, but you're set for life. You already have a great job that you've planned on putting the full 20 years in to. Even without a degree you're not going to have a problem in the world getting a job in the civilian market. Your career field and your training in the military alone will land you $70K+ a year jobs--we know this because you've already been offered several. But me? I have nothing. I am 32 years old with 46 hours of college under my belt. And it angers me to the point of absurdity to know that I could be done by now, with a career if only you'd had helped me out, if you'd been supportive or if you could have seen the long term investment in me. But you just couldn't let me earn my degree first. My wishes and dreams were put on the backburner indefinitely. You could have waited to go to school. You could have seen it in your heart for me and our family to let me go first. Goddammit, we qualified for aid. All we had to pay for was my books and childcare for 3 hours a day. That's it. But no. You with your 12 years in service just had to have your degree first. You have it now and it will sit on the shelf in its beautiful binder for the next 8 years doing nothing for you. My degree could have made a difference immediately. Perhaps we wouldn't have had to live off of credits sending us $30,000 in debt on top of car payments, a mortgage and all the rest. I could be contributing financially to our family's well being. No, we likely wouldn't be debt free because we've made some very bad decisions. We might still have financial problems, but it sure as hell wouldn't be this bad. And even if I weren't finished with school yet, I'd be damn close and that would be all the closer to helping aleviate the strain. As it is we've learned from our mistakes, but we're trying to rectify them on one income (and a shitty one at that..lets face it, no one joins the military to get rich).
The ironic thing is, we're now more in debt and more financially starved than we ever were before but on paper we make too much for me to qualify for a grant. I told you that back then, too. I told you that I needed to take advantage of the government aid while I could because it wouldn't last forever. As you made rank I knew the aid would decrease and sure enough it did. And now because of your student loans on top of all our other financial shit, you flat refuse my going to school once again because doing so would cripple our situation beyond recovery. Once again my dreams are squashed. They aren't giving many scholarships away to a non-minority suburbia mom in her 30's with a husband who makes betweeny $40-$50K a year. Even if I did get some financial aid, you've refused to charge books or give the okay to apply for loans.
I can't blame you for the screw ups I made years before I knew you. But I can blame you for hindering my scholastic progress when going was possible after we got married. And I do. Some might think I should have gone anyway, but the reality is this is a marriage--it's supposed to be a partnership--and the betterment of this family should be something we both want. I don't want to have fight for my education. I want your support. I don't want to have deal with the guilt and constant battles brought on by you because you think I'm hurting the family financially by going to school and racking up debt. Ummm, your student loans did what? You can't even use your fucking degree for another 8 years!!!!!!!!
I am hurt by you. I am angry and I am not sure I will ever get over the resentment. Unfortunately, resentment doesn't do a thing for debt so I've gone back to applying for shitty retail jobs to at least help us with the extras. It is beyond any sort of rationale to me that a person who wants to go to school so badly can't because of finances. And an asshole husband.