**warning** this is a long confession so skip if you don't like those ;p
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I no longer love you (I don't know that I ever did truly love you) as a wife should, but I don't want to see you hurt(ing). I believe I made a grave mistake in marrying you and one that is not easily explained. I thought I loved you, but I don't think I ever truly did. Now it's developed into a 'comfortable' love - a love like I have for a dear friend or a family member.
But I also resent you. You asked me to marry you when I wasn't ready, but I felt I didn't really have a choice. I loved you (or so I believed) and didn't want to lose you. My life took off, while yours didn't. You decided to drop out of college and ride my coat tails. I was supportive b/c college isn't for everyone, but now I just see it was due to your lack of ambition, your laziness, etc. I thought at first it was just us learning to live together and that's why I was having to act as your mother. By about a month before our wedding, I knew it probably wasn't right, but I chalked it up to cold feet.
Years have gone by and I'm finally starting to open my eyes. I haven't been happy for almost 3 yrs; I've just been numb. I've acted as your mom, your babysitter, your maid, your cook, your pet sitter, your accountant, your financial planner, your breadwinner/sugar mama, your disciplinarian, but never your wife. Perhaps I was ready for marriage, but you were not. Or maybe you were but you needed a wife like your mom. I am not that person. I feel as if for the past 4 yrs I've had a deadweight shackled to my ankle dragging me down. I just cannot take it anymore. I want someone to support me; to walk beside; to occasionally have to pull me. Instead I'm always having to drag you along and my arms are tired.
I'm not exactly Miss Perfect over here though. You got me pregnant. I had an abo.rtion without telling you; I would never have a child with you (is that not a red flag right there?!). I've also cheated on you. I take full responsibility for the affair. It'd be easy to cop out and 'blame' you b/c I'm unhappy, but I'm not going there. I went into this with my eyes wide open, and I do sincerely apologize for hurting you. I never intended that to happen.
You still want me; you want to work this out. But what is "this" to work out? There's not a marriage to save. I'm here for now b/c I don't want to compound your pain from finding out about the affair. But I truly do not want to stay. As much as it pains me to 'give up' (god, I hate giving up on ANYTHING let alone my marriage), I think it would only be detrimental to both of us if we stay married. I think, honestly, you're just afraid to be on your own since you've always had someone there to take care of you. And I don't know how I'm going to explain this to people - you're kind, generous, caring, and very likeable. It won't make sense on the outside, but I just can't stay.
About every six months or so, when you are gone, I delete all the photos of naked women you save on your computer. I don't care that you look occasionally, but since I've gained 20 pounds I find myself feeling insecure and I don't like the fact that you 'save' pictures. Why can't you look and then move on? You are very supportive and still make me feel attractive and beautiful, and I appreciate that, but I can't help feeling fat when I see the big titty, skinny girls on your computer-most of which are not even as pretty as I am.
My confession. You told me from the start that you didn't think you were
capable of being in a relationship with a single-parent. You told me that
you had always envisioned your life to follow a certain path; meet a girl,
date, move in, get engaged, get married, have children - I wasn't your idea
of how it was supposed to happen. But we fell in love, and over the next 6
years I kidded myself that your innate sense of responsibility would
eventually lead you to making you a more central role in my daughters'
lives. In year six, I became pregnant, and for a brief moment in our life
together I felt secure in the knowledge that we would become a family, but
that all ended when I had a misscarriage at 6 months gestation.
Your mother hates me. She never once told me she was sorry for my loss when
we lost the baby. You play a huge role in allowing her to treat me this way.
I always tell you that I am sorry she feels this way about me and that I am
capable of continuing to care for her though she doesn't feel the same way
about me. I am lying, both to you and myself. It does bother me, and I have
grown to dislike her as much as she dislikes me. When I noticed the gift
that was sent from your parents to one of our friends children, it burned a
hole in my chest big enough to smolder for years. I am incensed that your
parents would purchase a gift for your friends child, yet not acknowledge my
two daughters. It's not the gift, it's the lack of acknowledgment. It's the
fact that they act like we are not a part of your life.
I cry myself to sleep most nights wondering how I became so incapable of
removing you from our lives. I sift through 6.5 years of memories and
realize that many of them are so one-sided; me loving you enough for the
both of us. I have loved you all I can, and yet here we are, in a stagnant
un-healthy relationship. My daughters adore you, I adore you, and you adore
us, but you are so unwilling to commit. I have started to wonder what is out
there for me, how my life could change if I were to sever our relationship.
It is funny how time creates this illusion of investment - I feel like I
have invested too much of my time and my children's hearts to throw in the
towel. I feel like there is always a possibility that you will follow
through with asking me to marry you. And each time I unwrapped a book from
you this Xmas, I imagined it to have a cut out in the middle with an
engagement ring inside. Each time I opened up one of the 4 books you got me
for Xmas this year and saw that it was exactly what it appeared to be; a
book, I died a little. I don't even know what is left of me anymore when it
comes to you.
I am a hardworking beautiful (on the inside where it counts) and on the
outside too, single-mother. Why have I allowed you to wound me so deeply?
When I was back home a few weeks ago I went out for drinks with my high school sweetheart. We reminisced about old times and he told me that he still loved me. I still love him too and regret that I did not wait for him. Lots of times when we have sex, I am really thinking about him and not you.
I know we are almost divorced. However, you aren’t divorced from our kids. Please, please spend some time with our kids. Did you know most of my friends have 50/50 custody of their kids? You choose to pay me tons of child support so you aren’t held responsible for our kids clothes, haircuts, daycare costs, etc. I totally don’t understand how you could choose to go months without seeing your kids. They are 3 and 1. You miss out by not wrestling on the floor with them, laughing hysterically over Sponge Bob, nighttime stories, chocolate chip cookies and kisses before bed, and snuggles when someone has a bad dream. I won’t ever ask you again to spend time with our kids. The past few times you have said that I am selfish, or you didn’t have time, or you were sick, or you didn’t have food and diapers. Did you know that our kids call my Dad “Dad?” Bummer for you…
I was a cheater
I was even what you would call an "honest" cheater..as I always told my husband. Not because he wanted to know, but because I couldn't live with my guilt and self hatred about it all by myself. It wasn't until months later and some honest self assessment that I realized how cruel I was being toward him as well as myself.
Different people cheat for different reasons. Or excuses...depending on your perspective. At the time, my reasons were more vague then real. I was suffering with Clinical Depression..and had only just started therapy and some Wellbutrin. I was finally talking about the sexual abuse I endured with my father and then my stepfather. My life was falling apart and I was helping it along. Even now writing about it with the intention of having it public is extremely uncomfortable. Easier to be a cheater then a victim. And in that period of my life I had so much self loathing that if I hadn't been married, didn't have my beautiful son to care for, I would have put myself in even more danger then I already was.
My husband is and has always been my knight in shining armor. He knew about the abuse before I accepted his marriage proposal. He helped me find the courage to tell my mother and held me when I found out that my sister was being abused. That man was finally sent to prison, not nearly long enough, but I got to see that sometimes justice is possible.
He understands that sex for me will always be a struggle. Always. Even when I was cheating it wasn't for pleasure or any "romantic" feeling toward these other men. I was doing my damnedest to push him out of my life because he was and probably still does deserve better then me. But he fought for me. For the first time in my life someone fought to keep me safe and happy. He even agreed to an "open" marriage rather then file for divorce. It wasn't until he actually started taking advantage of that, and I realized I really could lose him that things changed for us.
We didn't get over this in a month or even a year. It's taken aloooot of talking and time for us both to regain trust in each other and our relationship. Both of us learned better communication skills, to say the least.
Our marriage will last now because of those affairs..not in spite of. We're far more willing to admit to each other when we're hurting and why. Of course, our marriage isn't perfect or wouldn't even be considered "ideal" for allot of people. Our sex life is minimal and must always be initiated by me. And although I understand (somewhat) his need for it, I don't have that same need or desire. I guess that's my real confession and fear. That I can't be "enough" of a wife to him in every way that he deserves and needs. But in every other way that I can I let him know that I love him and appreciate all that he does and puts up with in our marriage. He loves me for who I am and has made his choice by sticking with me through all the emotional crap that comes along with. I just have to work on believing it.
The reason I've always enjoyed reading TWC is because I like finding I have things in common with other women. The reason I'm sending this to be posted is to maybe show that what's on the surface of these confessions....is just the surface, not the pain that lies underneath. Being honest with others, for me, has always been easier then being honest with myself.
Last weekend while I was cleaning I ran across a hotel bill that was for while I was back home for the holidays (you remember that trip you refused to go on?). It was for 2. The stay was for several days. I then investigated a little further and found several more interesting things like: the box of condoms in your suitcase, the cell phone bill with some very long and frequent conversations with a certain younger woman that we both know, who lives in the city the hotel is in, and a receipt for a very expensive jewelry purchase that I have never seen.
Now what logical conclusion should I make from all of this?
I am going to confront you, and if you can't come up with one airtight irrefutable reason for all of this, be prepared to see what the full force of my fury feels like. You may think that you have seen it over the course of our marriage but, buddy, you have never really seen me angry (annoyed yes, but truly angry no).
At that point you also better get yourself one hell of an attorney as well.
I don’t think you really believe me, but I actually did forget to take the garbage out to the road this week. Although, I have to confess that if I had remembered, I wouldn’t have done it anyway. That’s one of your two regular ‘housework’ chores and I’ve been the one to do it more often than you have lately. Maybe a week of dealing with rotting garbage will help improve your memory/ability to get out of bed at a decent hour.
Four years ago I got pregnant despite being on the pill. I had an abortion. I have never told you about it because you would more than likely go into a rage. You are obsessed with having lots of children but I will never have another one with you because you are the worst father I have ever seen. You are never home, and when you are you ignore your son or yell at him to leave you alone. You try to keep him away from the grandparents that dote on him and who he loves because you can't get along with them. You also spend more time with your "friend" than you do with him.
I am so glad that I am leaving your sorry ass. Just waiting for your next buisness trip to start packing.